Original subtitles

Radar, just remember, girls love musicians.

Yes, Colonel.

I've heard that before, but I'm not much of a musician.

Come on now.

Don't sell yourself short.

Sir, can't we leave the short jokes to Captain Pierce and McIntyre? And my

family, you be tallest boy.

Okie dokie, soon she.

Now go ahead, Radar. Play Reveille.

Well, I'm sure those bugle lessons will finally pay off.

Well, here goes nothing.

Attention.

TV shots will be given out Thursday for anyone that's been to Rosie's bar in the

last two weeks.

Tonight's movie is Gone with the Wind.

I cried the first time I watched Gone with the Wind.

Are we disturbing you two lovebirds?

What are you two idiots doing in here?

What are we doing in here?

We get to talk about Franklin.

Prostate exam.

My what?

That's right, big fella. You've been avoiding this far too long.

Time to quit the grinning and drop the linen.

Poor Grit.

Oh, Frank. Be a man. Let him have a look.

All right.

Fellas, be gentle.

Not in my tent, you idiot!

That's right, Frank. You wouldn't want to get caught with your pants down in

Lips Tent.

Her name is Major Houlihan.

Not that right means anything to you two clowns. The only thing right, Frank,

might be your prostate.

All right, would you two mind taking your little traveling butt circus out of

here?

Well,

Margaret, you're next. We'll be back for your pap smear and rectal exam.

Oh, get out!

Listen, fellas, I know you're all busy with the Warren stuff, but poor little

Radar's really down in the dumps. He's at an all -time low. All -time low? I

didn't know he could get any lower.

Yeah, Henry, if he was any shorter, he'd be too small to see.

All right, fellas, knock off the jokes.

Ever since Radar's been in Korea, he hasn't had a date with a member of the

female persuasion.

I caught him peeking into the nurse's shower. That's almost a date.

Yeah, and I saw him crying on Nurse Daisy while she was masturbating.

Nurse Daisy was masturbating? She's like clockwork. Every day at 1600 hours, her

pants come flying off.

Why am I always the last to know?

Anywho, Raynard's sex drive is through the roof.

He's so depressed that he hasn't been taking care of his work, which is

me extra paperwork.

That sounds like your problem, not ours.

Well, it will be your problem the next time you request a pass to Tokyo or

Seoul. And we'd run out of paper because Radar forgot to order it.

I guess it is our problem.

Henry, if you want us to play Cupid to Radar, just say so. I'll pick up my bow

and arrow from the pawn shop.

Listen, guys.

I don't want to be in Korea any more than you do.

Just promise me you'll make it happen.

I'll be grateful.

How grateful?

Three days in Tokyo grateful.

Why not set him up with Soon -Shi?

I thought about it.

But I got a bit uncomfortable thinking of the young lad putting his tiny minnow

where I dock the big yacht.

Are we talking about luxury boats or sex?

Both, I think.

Say no more, Henry.

Radar here says the Virgin will be coming to an end.

Do you want me to sucky -fucky radar?

I don't know.

That'll be quite all right, soon she.

You just continue to do what it is you do.

Wow, Bojack's home already, Henry? It's not even dark yet.

How soon, she? Not in front of the company.

Oh, Frank.

I can see it all now.

See what, Margaret?

Your promotion, honey.

My promotion?

To Lieutenant Colonel, silly.

Lieutenant Colonel?

Lieutenant Colonel Frank Burns.

Oh, Frank.

Pearson McIntyre wouldn't be able to get away with half the crap they do now if

you were a lieutenant colonel.

Do you really think I have a chance of being promoted?

Oh, why not?

I've worked hard to put you in this position.

Well, sweet dumpling, you wouldn't be the same rank anymore, so you'd have to

obey my orders.

Your orders?

Frank, the only order I'll obey is for you to shut up and pleasure me.

But honey, your rank of major would be well below my rank of... Lieutenant

Colonel, so you'd have to obey me.

Oh, shut up, Frank. Before I rip your eyeballs out of their sockets.

Captain Pierce and McIntyre will be holding the first ever Mass 4077 beauty

pageant. All nurses are encouraged to apply.

Don't think for one second I don't know you two are up to something.

Up to what, Frank?

Up to no good.

No good? Frank, that would be against our code of ethics as doctors.

You call yourself doctor.

Doctors are caring and compassionate.

Well, Frank, you must have been standing in the wrong line when they handed out

caring and compassion.

Just wait. One day you'll get what you deserve.

Get what we deserve?

You mean there's more coming than this all -expenses -paid trip to Korea?

Naughty, high, high, high.

Let's see what Colonel Blake has to say about this.

Why don't you see what Colonel Sanders has to say about all this?

And bring us back a bucket of chicken.

Attention! The current time is $1 ,600.

That is all.

You're a daisy!

Thank you.

Come on in.

and Major Hoolan.

Halt! Who goes there?

You're sticking the head. Can I get that in writing from you, sir?

Get away from me, pervert.

Sorry, sir, but you can't go in there.

Step aside, you little pipsqueak. Might I remind you, I'm a major.

Yes, sir, but, um, I know you outrank me in rank and all, but...

The colonel outranks you in, well, whatever colonels have.

And I have special instructions not to let anyone interrupt while the colonel's

involved in important international relations.

Oh.

Colonel, I demand to see you.

Not now, Frank.

I'm busy preparing my preparations.

I have to talk to you about Pearson McIntyre.

Can't it wait, Frank?

But it's important.

So is this, Frank.

Cooper, do you have any idea what's going on in there?

Not really, sir. I'm from Iowa.

This is all going down in my report, and your name will be at the top of the

list. My name, sir?

But, geez.

I only picked once.

Oh, yeah, that's a good baby

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Soon. Oh, soon.

Oh.

I'm so bored, we're going crazy.

Bored? Of course.

Crazy? No way.

I think we need a Radar Falls in Love special project.

Hawkeye, you got that twinkle in your eye.

Yeah, I think it's a sty.

I'm having dirty thoughts about one of the nurses.

But now, instead of having sex with me, she's having sex with Radar.

Which nurse do you think would do it?

It's for a good cause. I'm sure they all would.

No way. Go fly a kite.

You've got to be kidding me.

I'd rather fuck Klinger.

I wouldn't fuck either of those guys.

Oh, come on.

What about the morale of the troops?

Think of it as a favorite Uncle Sam.

Uncle Sam's already got my sweet ass and little tits over here in this

godforsaken war.

One for the Gipa?

I'm not fucking Radar.

I'll do it, sirs. Do what, Klinger? Have sex with Radar, sir.

Clinger, we're trying to cheer him up. Let's send him back to Iowa.

I know you can't tell by my exterior, but I can be a very gentle and generous

lover. Ew.

I think I'm going to be sick.

No, really.

I was voted the best oral sex performer in all of Toledo.

Remind me to cancel my vacation plans to Toledo.

Hey, Clinger, if that's true, meet me in the supply tent, 10 p .m.?

I'll wear an outfit that'll bring you to tears, Nurse Kelly.

What about you, Jennifer?

You guys are crazy.

There has to be something in it for me to fuck anybody.

Especially Radar.

I think getting Radar laid is going to be a little harder than we thought.

Maybe I'll work on Nurse Stevens tonight and see if I can, uh, convince her to

have sex with Radar. Where'd you plan on doing your, uh, convincing?

In the swamp.

What about Frank?

Movie night.

He'll be sitting with hot lips, watching Gone with the Wind.

Ah, Clark Gable, huh?

Tell me how it ends.

I think Lincoln gets shot.

In a theater?

Yeah, after he complained about stale popcorn.

Would you two pipe downwards for a grind to operate over here?

Frank, don't tell the patients it's your first day on the job.

They might not come back.

Colonel Blake, do we have some professionalism over here?

Frank, I don't know what crackerjack boxer you got your diploma from, but

actually licensed doctors over here.

Yeah, we got our licenses from the DMV.

All righty, boys and girls.

Let's not get our panties in a bunch.

Colonel, must they be so immature?

As a matter of fact, yes, they must.

Hey, Frank, I like your blue gloves.

Can't a man be stylish at work?

Margaret, you're driving me bonkers. I just don't have any patience.

I have no patience, said the unemployed doctor.

Ladies and gentlemen, he'll be here every night for your comedic pleasure.

Oh, booey -hooey.

Leader.

Kelly Clamp.

Suction, please.

His blood pressure's dropped.

Let me tie that off with 3 -0 silk.

Now! Watch my finger.

Nurse, another pint of plasma, please.

Put it on Major Burns' tab.

Okay, the vitals are stable now.

Great work, guys.

Nice save.

Show -offs.

My husband would definitely not approve of this.

Your husband?

Hawkeye said you were single.

I just told him that because I was horny and I wanted to fuck him.

Is that wrong of you?

Depends on how big your husband is.

I have a confession to make, sir.

Wrong pen.

Father Mulcahy is next door. Not that kind of confession, Claire.

I just want you and Captain Pierce to know that I am not a homosexual.

Well, neither am I. So scratch.

Hey, Clinger, are you really good at giving oral sex?

Just ask Nurse Kelly. She's passed out in the supply tent for my window tongue.

I'll take your word for it.

Trapper, I hope you don't mind, but Clinger, would you do me?

Clinger, do you mind?

Mind what, sir?

I hate it when people play with my food.

Sorry, sir. Got carried away.

Wow.

You look good.

Really good.

Being on top of that?

Well, I don't know if I want to put my face down where she's been, but if I do,

will you have sex with Radar?

Well, as long as you're as good as cleaner.

Piece of cake.

Margaret, the entire 407 -7 is going kablooey.

Oh, there, there, Frank.

You just relax. I'll make it all better.

I mean, Pierce and McIntyre are insane.

I caught Radar French kissing his rabbit.

And Colonel Blake's getting blowjobs from the enemy.

Doesn't seem to like me very much.

Oh, darling, they're all beneath you. They can't hold a candle to your

authoritarian ways.

You just don't think... What do you mean the colonel's getting blowjobs from the

enemy? Oh, yeah, I was peeking into his tent, and soon she was down on her dirty

little knees with her little communist mouth wrapped around his cock.

Was it big, Frank?

It was what big?

I mean, are you sure, Frank?

Oh, yeah.

I know an actual blowjob when I see one. I mean...

My wife never ever gave me one before, but you sure gave me one humdinger for

birthday last year.

Frank, if you mention your wife's name one more time, I'm going to rip your

balls off with a pair of pliers.

Margaret, you're all the woman I'll ever need.

We need to report this illicit activity to the general.

Oh, Sugar Plum, when you talk like that, I just want to suckle your bosom.

Oh, go ahead and...

Uncle Frank.

She said I wasn't as good as Clinger. You got out -sexed by a drag queen. Calm

down, will you? You're ruining my reputation.

Major Burns is really upset with you two guys for showboating in the O .R. He

wants to take away your still. Take away the still?

Never. He wants me to secretly place a call to General Haggerty at Central

Command. He said if I do, I can watch stag films.

Stag films?

Radar, we can do better than dirty movies.

Hawkeye's right. Wouldn't you prefer the real thing?

You mean like a real -life lady person?

Yeah, like a real -life lady person.

Just whatever you do, don't let that call get through to the General.

I think I'll go watch my rabbits have sex.

Hey, little buddy.

Little buddy? Frank, are you running a fever?

Nope.

As a fiddle. What's with the aftershave, Frank?

Can't a man take pride in his appearance and his aroma?

Sure, Frank, a man can.

But what about you?

Something smells rotten in Denmark.

Weisenheimers. Korea's nowhere near Denmark.

Just wait. You two will get what's coming to you.

Hey, maybe it's a free trip back to the States this time.

Degenerates.

Attention, 407. Due to the rise of venereal disease in the Korean theater,

abstinence is being encouraged by President Truman.

Oh, Margaret. I have to have you now.

Oh, Fred. Oh, Margaret.

Frank. Margaret.

Frank!

What is it, honey bun? Your clusters.

What about my clusters? Your clusters are pinching my skin.

If you expect me to sit still while you ravish me, you better remove your

clusters.

Margaret.

Nurse Jennifer, the incomparable beauty of the 4077 that could only become more

beautiful with some plastic surgery.

Are you talking about some unauthorized plastic surgery?

Is there any other kind?

What's going on, boys? I can't suck your cocks because Major Houlihan said she'd

suspend me if she caught me engaging in any sexual contact with any of the

officers. The war is just no fun with hot lips around.

Doc, you do know that any non -life -saving surgery is prohibited by the U

Army.

She's always yearned for bigger boobs.

She's desirous of more gluteus in her maximus. And it's been her dream for

luscious lippage in those lips.

What about Frank and Margaret?

We'll let them do their own plastic surgery.

No, I mean they'll go straight to the general.

We'll have Colonel Blake issue them a three -day pass to Tokyo. That way

never know what we're up to.

Your madness is inspiring.

Which way to your laboratory?

This way?

No, this way.

You guys are crazy. You want to tell me what's going on?

Today is your lucky day. What would you say if we told you we're going to give

you that plastic surgery that every girl has desired?

Are you kidding me?

I'd do anything.

I'd even fuck radar.

Well, that's exactly what we wanted to hear.

But there's just one problem.

I'm afraid of going into the night.

Are you sure, Sparky?

All action is north of Wee Jam Boo?

No casualties expected down here?

That's great news. Thanks.

Good news, Radar?

Yes, sir.

All the fighting is taking place well north of here, and they don't expect any

casualties down here.

Majors, it seems you've picked the perfect week to take your vacations. Are

sure, Colonel? You won't be needing us. We can cancel.

Major Hunafan, pick me on the work day.

Yeah, you two have fun. Don't forget to send a postcard, Ixnay.

The Major and I will be attending military seminars while in Tokyo.

Yeah, right.

Radar. Have a jeep ready to drive Majors Houlihan and Burns to Kimpo Air Base

for their flights to Tokyo.

Have a nice time at the seminars.

Announcement! Majors Burns and Houlihan are now on their way to Tokyo. There

will be a drunken orgy in the mess tent beginning at 2100 hours.

That's quite the nice little housekeeper you got, Henry.

Yep. I'm pretty proud of her. She's almost old enough to be one of your

daughters.

Sir,

am I supposed to be seeing this?

Well, hopefully you're going to be seeing a lot more than this, Radar.

Pierce?

McIntyre? You want me to sucky -fucky Radar now?

What's about chopper hot guy?

I licked him, too, and offered apple for pleasure.

Wow.

Okey -dokey. I think the party's over.

The colonel needs some alone time with his housekeeper now. Amps great.

But, sir, I don't think I can stand up.

That's normal, son. Just take another pixie into the women's shower and give

your little buddy some relief.

Just don't let the nurses catch you jerking off to their cleanliness.

On that note, thanks for stopping by.

Toodle -oo!

You are such a whore.

Attention! Once again, Colonel Blake is going into conference and is not to be

disturbed.

Ha!

Fuck me.

this is going to work?

If it doesn't, I want my money back.

I've been experimenting with injected bilateral breast augmentation and Radar

was able to get a sample ship from Tokyo General Hospital.

How big we going, Huck?

Let's turn our tiny tits into fantastic fun bags.

Pierce, let's not get too carried away or we can all wind up in this stockade.

I call dibs on testing out these puppies.

I thought Radar was getting first crack at a crack.

Don't worry, fellas.

There'll be plenty of me to go around if this works.

Remember our deal, Jennifer.

You have to make romance with Radar.

With these new tips, I'm going to fuck everybody.

Oh, drat.

We have to hurry. The war is headed back our way and they're expecting

casualties. So Burns and Houlihan will be coming back earlier than expected.

Let's gas her up and put her under.

Put her down, nurse.

Sweet dreams, you soon -to -be -big -boobed beauty.

I think I'm going to miss a small tit. I'll cut them off so you can hang them

over your fireplace.

I don't have a fireplace.

Neither do I. We'll use Frank's.

Nurse, once I make the incision, give me some suction.

Yes, doctor. I'll give you plenty of suction.

Don't those guys take any time off.

Why should they? They're paid by the hour.

Yeah, Henry. They get time and a half on weekends.

The MPs just called from Checkpoint Foxtrot. Major Houlihan and Burns will

back in 15 minutes.

Holy horse feathers. Hurry up, Pierce.

Did the Pope brush Michelangelo when he was spray painting the 15 chapels? Yeah,

Henry. Radar can't be rushed.

Well, I hope great tits can, or we'll all be on the chain gang at Leavenworth.

Hurry up and stick those fun bags in and close her up.

Attention! Vegas, Burns, and Ulan are returning to Tokyo earlier than

All remaining origins have now been canceled.

Great work, doctors. Her boobs are going to look great.

When I'm done, I'd like to give you a full frontal exam.

Are you trying to fuck me, doctor?

He's trying, all right.

I think he's succeeding.

When we're done, I'll take a shower and slip into something sexy and meet you in

your tent.

have fighting nearby.

The North Koreans are taking territory and they won't give it back.

General MacArthur is pissed.

Attention! Once the fighting has crossed the one -half mile point, be prepared

to evacuate immediately.

God bless us all.

Thank you.

Pierce.

Ah!

of my nurses is in the recovery room covered in bandages.

Yeah, well, that's the $64 ,000

question. Pierce?

McIntyre?

You boys wanted to vote for skinny on the poop?

Miss Jennifer hit by a bus.

She was hit by a bus?

Actually, it was an ambulance.

Yeah, she didn't hear the siren.

Backed into her and we had to operate on her chest.

That poor girl.

Radar, notify Central Command immediately that Nurse Jones is to be

Purple Heart.

Purple Heart?

Don't you think we're jumping the gun a little bit here?

Jumping the gun? Do you hear those shells?

One of my nurses was injured in a combat situation and she deserves full

military honors.

Oh, boy.

notify her family?

Uh, yes, we did.

And they were fine with it.

That's a hot reaction.

Oh, come on, Major Burns.

Holy shit!

Our tits are really in a pinch now.

Good luck at the prom, Walter.

I think I'm getting a cold foot.

I think you mean cold feet.

Just think of the warm pussy. It's going to be knee -high in. Speaking of knee

-high, let's make a toast.

Wow, you guys found great knee -high?

To Radar O 'Reilly on his big night.

May he penetrate that pussy and squeal with delight.

Break a leg, Radar.

But sir, I didn't know that was a part of sex.

Geez. Now I'm really nervous.

Is Radar in there?

I'm going to give you the time of your life, sweetie.

Here I come, baby.

Yo, Radar. Give her this.

for breakfast in a minute.

John Walter.

You ready for this?

Hi, Nurse Jennifer.

I think so.

It looks like I'm ready.

You are.

Note I found posted in the nurse's shower.

Since I don't go into the nurse's shower anymore, can you read it to me?

Attention, nurses.

Free breast enlargement and other procedures.

Please remove your top and immediately see Major.

Brianna Blair.

Attention! This movie is a parody and not from the makers of that TV show.