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1
00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,004
* Men.
2
00:00:04,072 --> 00:00:06,374
Man, I love
German cars.
3
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,809
Well, if you keep
your nose clean and work hard,
4
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:11,445
someday you'll be able
to park them for a living.
5
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:15,216
Excellent.
6
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:19,920
Why is my ass
getting hot?
7
00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:21,555
You turned on
the seat warmer.
8
00:00:21,622 --> 00:00:23,023
Oh, good.
9
00:00:23,091 --> 00:00:25,526
I was afraid I had
another case of swamp ass.
10
00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:27,428
Another case?
11
00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:30,064
Yeah, it happens every year
around this time.
12
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,533
Only thing that helps it
is aloe vera and Vaseline.
13
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:33,934
I see.
14
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:35,869
Half a tube of each,
right in the crack.
15
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:41,342
It's like squirting ketchup
and mustard into a hot dog bun.
16
00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:42,410
Uh-huh.
17
00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:45,679
Then you, like, mash
the sides together.
18
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,448
Enough.
19
00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:48,849
Sorry.
20
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,017
You hungry?
21
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:51,419
I'm getting hungry.
22
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,988
I may never eat again.
23
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,056
Yellow light.
24
00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:57,057
I'm slowing down.
25
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:58,926
No, no, no,
gun it, gun it!
26
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,697
Man, this thing
is a rocket ship.
27
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:06,600
Okay, okay,
now you can slow down.
28
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,669
(siren whooping)
29
00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:10,771
Should I run for it?
30
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:12,473
What are you, crazy?
31
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:13,941
Pull over.
32
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,276
You told me to
run the light.
33
00:01:15,343 --> 00:01:16,777
My dad's
gonna kill me.
34
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,679
Calm down;
he's not gonna kill you.
35
00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:20,748
How can I calm down?
I just got my license,
36
00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:21,882
and now I'm gonna lose it!
37
00:01:21,949 --> 00:01:24,618
All right, all right.
38
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:25,653
Switch places with me.
39
00:01:25,719 --> 00:01:26,654
What?
40
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,622
Just do it.
41
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:31,859
And give me
your hat.
42
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,394
You want my lucky hat?
43
00:01:33,461 --> 00:01:35,663
Yeah. I want to share
in your good fortune.
44
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,638
Evening, Officer.
45
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:48,242
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
46
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:51,412
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
47
00:01:51,479 --> 00:01:54,348
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
48
00:01:54,415 --> 00:01:56,450
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *
49
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:59,253
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
50
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:02,356
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
51
00:02:02,423 --> 00:02:06,194
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
52
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,635
* Men.
53
00:02:16,904 --> 00:02:19,039
Hey. Where have
you guys been?
54
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,574
Van Nuys.
55
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:22,343
What were you doing in Van Nuys?
56
00:02:22,410 --> 00:02:24,111
That's where the jail is.
57
00:02:25,179 --> 00:02:26,280
What?
58
00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:28,115
I got arrested.
59
00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:29,950
You're kidding. What for?
60
00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:33,287
Apparently, I ran a red
light at 64 miles an hour.
61
00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,223
And I was in
the passenger seat.
62
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,492
Yes, I was driving,
63
00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,461
therefore you were in
the passenger seat.
64
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,265
Anyway, it turns out
65
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:46,900
I had a couple of
unpaid parking tickets.
66
00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:48,936
Seventeen.
67
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,371
Thank you.
68
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,573
They arrested you
for unpaid parking tickets?
69
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,575
Well, there was also
a bench warrant
70
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,244
when I didn't show up in court.
71
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:57,778
Well, how could you not
show up in court?
72
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,047
Don't they send
you a summons?
73
00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,583
Lots of them,
but I threw them away.
74
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,854
I thought they were
for jury duty.
75
00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:09,923
Long story short,
when I didn't show up,
76
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,359
they suspended my license.
77
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:14,395
And I was in the passenger seat.
78
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,231
So you were driving
with a suspended license?
79
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:20,534
Only for a couple of years.
80
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,170
Luckily though,
my license was fine,
81
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:24,972
so when they took him
to the police station,
82
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:25,839
I followed in the Mercedes.
83
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:27,007
By the way,
84
00:03:27,074 --> 00:03:29,643
I reset all your radio stations
to good stuff.
85
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,012
I'd like to be alone now, Jake.
86
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:33,046
Understandable.
87
00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:34,715
You've been through a lot.
88
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:37,551
By the way, if you need anyone
to drive you to the movies
89
00:03:37,618 --> 00:03:39,820
or the mall or a strip club,
I'm available.
90
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,622
Appreciate it.
91
00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,391
And you can just relax
in the passenger seat,
92
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:45,293
like I did earlier today.
93
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:47,027
Get out!
94
00:03:49,830 --> 00:03:52,733
Listen, I am sorry
that you lost your license,
95
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:55,503
but I would be remiss
if I did not point out
96
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,204
what a bad example
you're setting for Jake.
97
00:03:57,271 --> 00:04:01,008
Not now, Alan.
98
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:02,676
That young man looks up to you.
99
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,479
And when he sees you blatantly
disregard the rules of the road,
100
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:07,014
he's more likely
to do it himself.
101
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,716
(sighs)
102
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,184
You're right. You're right.
103
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,686
I'm sorry.
104
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,154
Are you really?
105
00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:15,856
Or you just saying the words?
106
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:22,496
Uh, don't walk away
when I am talking to you.
107
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:23,631
I'm gonna count
to three, Alan.
108
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,699
Oh, that's mature.
Three.
109
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,301
(punch lands)
ALAN:
Ow!
110
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:30,270
Where was
one and two?
111
00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:31,939
(two punches land)
Ow! Ow!
112
00:04:33,006 --> 00:04:34,808
* Men.
113
00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:42,215
Hey.
114
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,217
Hey.
115
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:47,855
You know I was just trying
to show concern for my son.
116
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,189
I do.
117
00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:51,191
And you know I was
just trying to cause
118
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:53,527
severe nerve damage
to your shoulder.
119
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,829
I do.
120
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,898
You know, we should maybe
121
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,900
come up with
some kind of safe word.
122
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,670
Like "pumpernickel."
123
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,271
Sure, whatever.
124
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:07,775
You know, until you get
your license back,
125
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:10,811
you can count on me to drive you
wherever you need to go.
126
00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:12,413
Thanks.
127
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,482
Of course, during the week,
I'm working.
128
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:15,983
I know.
129
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:18,419
And, uh, and Monday nights,
I'm at the senior center.
130
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,688
What the hell are you doing
at the senior center?
131
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:22,390
Free pilates class.
132
00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:23,391
(scoffs)
133
00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:26,427
They don't even check IDs.
134
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:29,797
Uh, Tuesdays
and Thursday nights,
135
00:05:29,863 --> 00:05:34,267
they have water aerobics, uh,
Wednesday is low-impact hip-hop,
136
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,471
and, uh, Friday
is movie night.
137
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,473
This week is Cocoon.
138
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:44,445
Again.
139
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:47,481
And of course on Saturday,
you know, I need to power down,
140
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:48,549
and, uh, Saturday night...
141
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:49,717
(knocks on table)
142
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:50,718
maybe a date.
143
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,319
(chuckles)
144
00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:55,222
You're calling those
magazines dates now?
145
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:58,158
(laughs)
146
00:05:58,225 --> 00:05:59,660
(makes whoosh, pop noises)
147
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:00,728
(laughs)
148
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:03,296
But, hey, any other time
149
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,998
you need a ride,
I'm your man.
150
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:05,999
Wonderful.
151
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,367
Sunday is usually good.
152
00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,469
Uh-huh.
153
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,471
Not this Sunday though;
I got a little thing.
154
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:13,674
I know, but what does that
have to do with Sunday?
155
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:16,644
(chuckles)
156
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,578
Cute, cute.
157
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:18,912
Um, you know, actually,
158
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,948
I've been meaning
to talk to you about this,
159
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:23,717
but, um, I was waiting
for the right time.
160
00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,152
Are you...
161
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:26,353
(knocks on table)
162
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,455
moving out?
163
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,322
(laughs)
164
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,192
No. But that never
ceases to be amusing.
165
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:35,563
Um, anyhoo, turns out,
166
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,965
I was invited to
Chelsea's birthday party.
167
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:39,332
What?
168
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,935
Yeah, well, you know,
when she was living here,
169
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:44,104
we were friends,
and we've remained friends.
170
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,073
She invited you to
her birthday party?
171
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,207
I won't go
if you don't want me to.
172
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,375
I don't want you to.
173
00:06:48,442 --> 00:06:50,243
Okay.
174
00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:51,479
Asked and answered.
175
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:52,713
Done and done.
176
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:59,019
I did buy her a lovely scarf.
177
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,557
Will it support your
weight from a shower rod?
178
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:06,560
(laughs)
179
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:07,427
Classic.
180
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:08,796
(laughs)
181
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:12,032
Of course, it might be a little
awkward if I don't show.
182
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,100
Why is that?
183
00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:14,568
I volunteered to bring the ice.
184
00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:17,070
Is that why you've been
filling Ziploc bags
185
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:18,839
with my ice
cubes all week?
186
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:22,309
It's exactly the same ice
as the kind you have to pay for,
187
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,444
sans the fancy
polar bear label.
188
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,781
I'm not gonna say
this again, Alan.
189
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:30,117
I do not want you hanging
out with my ex-fiancée.
190
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:32,419
I hear you,
loud and clear.
191
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,590
It's just so rare
I get to socialize
192
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,058
with people my own age.
193
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:40,528
What, there's no free nooky
night at the senior center?
194
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,195
(forced chuckle)
195
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:43,831
(makes whoosh, bang noises)
196
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,733
(laughs)
197
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:51,104
Okay, okay, what if I just go
for cocktails and skip dinner?
198
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,541
Three?
Three.
199
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,410
* Men.
200
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,248
Alan, wake up.
201
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:02,249
Pumpernickel!
202
00:08:04,685 --> 00:08:06,787
You got to go
to Chelsea's party.
203
00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,822
Uh, okay.
204
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,659
If you don't go, she's gonna
know I told you not to.
205
00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:13,460
That's possible.
206
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,128
It's a sure thing.
207
00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,397
She knows you never
pass up a free meal.
208
00:08:17,464 --> 00:08:18,999
That's not true.
209
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:22,536
How many birthdays have you had
at Denny's this year?
210
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:24,805
All right.
211
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:26,406
So you got to go to the party
212
00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:29,076
and let her know that I'm doing
just fine without her.
213
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:30,043
Okay.
214
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:31,645
But you got to be cool about it.
215
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:32,713
You know, like in passing.
216
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:34,615
Sure, sure. Uh, how's this?
217
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,016
Uh, hey, Chelsea,
happy birthday.
218
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,618
Charlie's doing fine without you
219
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:40,654
and never wanders around the
house in the middle of the night
220
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:41,955
with a drink in his hand.
221
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,490
Alan.
222
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:44,958
Yeah?
You need teeth
223
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,727
to say "pumpernickel."
224
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:48,929
Got it.
225
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:53,266
* Men.
226
00:08:58,606 --> 00:08:59,539
Oh.
227
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,341
Alan, hi.
228
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,010
I hope I'm not
here early.
229
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,277
The, uh, the
invite said 8:00.
230
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:08,582
And, uh, 8:00 it is.
231
00:09:08,649 --> 00:09:09,783
Come on in.
232
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,253
Who is this?
233
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,689
That's how you
greet a guest?
234
00:09:15,756 --> 00:09:17,725
"Who is this?"
235
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,359
Okay. Who are you
and what the hell
236
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:22,129
you doing here
so freaking early?
237
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:26,366
This is Alan,
Charlie's brother.
238
00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:27,534
Oh.
239
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:28,802
Alan, I'm Ed.
240
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:29,937
Heard a lot about you.
241
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,072
Oh, heard a lot
about you, too.
242
00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:35,242
You know, uh, you being
in the Navy with Tom and, uh,
243
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:38,846
you guys keeping in touch, even
though you were both married.
244
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,481
And, uh, now you're reunited.
245
00:09:41,548 --> 00:09:42,683
(chuckles)
246
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:43,751
Great song.
247
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:44,852
(chuckles)
248
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:48,588
* Reunited and feels so good.
249
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,293
So where's the birthday girl?
250
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,728
Taking a shower.
251
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,163
(groans)
Women, huh?
252
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:57,998
(chuckles):
Always running late.
253
00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:59,499
Bet you don't miss that.
254
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:03,336
I brought the ice.
255
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,337
Oh!
256
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,939
(sighs)
257
00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:08,141
I guess the bottom got wet.
You know how that is.
258
00:10:09,376 --> 00:10:11,211
I mean, because, you know,
it happens to everybody,
259
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,512
not because you're gay.
260
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:16,049
(quietly): And I thought
you were exaggerating.
261
00:10:16,116 --> 00:10:17,084
(chuckles)
262
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:20,353
And remember, looky, no touchy.
263
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,191
* Men.
264
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:28,762
What's that?
265
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:30,698
A birthday present for Chelsea.
266
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,032
But you guys broke up.
267
00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:35,035
Yeah, well, I bought it
a couple of months ago.
268
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:36,937
Why?
'Cause I thought
269
00:10:37,004 --> 00:10:38,238
that's when her birthday was.
270
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:43,110
Turns out, I confused it
with St. Patrick's Day.
271
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:44,978
Are those real diamonds?
272
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:46,379
Yep.
273
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:47,547
Burn.
274
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,182
What?
275
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:52,986
You could've saved a lot of
money with Cuban zirconium.
276
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:55,588
Cuban zirconium?
277
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,589
Yeah.
278
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,425
Yeah. The girls can't tell
279
00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,993
'cause it's just
as sparkly as a diamond,
280
00:11:00,060 --> 00:11:03,563
and it's cheap
'cause it's from Cuba.
281
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,135
Good Lord, you're an idiot.
282
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,337
Hey, I'm not the one
who wasted a bunch of money
283
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,539
on a bracelet for a girl
who dumped me.
284
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,007
It's not a waste.
285
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,642
I'm still going to give it
to her.
286
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,512
In fact...
287
00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:21,749
come on, you're driving
me to Chelsea's.
288
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:24,184
Did it occur to you
that I might have plans?
289
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:25,819
Oh, I'm sorry.
290
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,287
Do you have plans?
291
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,422
No, but there's
a principle involved.
292
00:11:31,124 --> 00:11:32,559
I'm just saying,
there's a right way,
293
00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:33,894
and there's a wrong way.
294
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:35,695
* Men.
295
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:38,766
* Men.
296
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,067
You need any condoms?
297
00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,034
No. Do you?
298
00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:42,569
No. I got a buttload.
299
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:45,538
A buttload, huh?
300
00:11:45,605 --> 00:11:48,008
You may need to read
the instructions more carefully.
301
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,343
I don't get it.
302
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:53,146
W-Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
303
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,883
Have you used
any of them yet?
304
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:57,017
Yeah, sure.
305
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,185
For sex?
306
00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:01,688
Oh. Um, no.
307
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:04,091
For water balloons.
308
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,559
Well, keep a few
in reserve,
309
00:12:06,626 --> 00:12:08,728
'cause you're not
really breeding stock.
310
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,631
So, what are you
looking for?
311
00:12:11,698 --> 00:12:13,266
Birthday card for Chelsea.
312
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,935
Oh. Good idea.
313
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:18,605
(chuckles)
Look at this one.
314
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:20,240
Says, "I got you
a birthday package."
315
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:21,809
And on the inside,
it's a naked fat guy
316
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,977
with a hole for you
to pop your finger through.
317
00:12:24,044 --> 00:12:26,213
Mm, no.
318
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,514
Are you sure?
319
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,817
He really likes you.
320
00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,358
Here we go.
321
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,260
"Wishing you all the
dreams of your heart,
322
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,661
"all the love
in the world
323
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:42,896
"and the beautiful
day you deserve
324
00:12:42,963 --> 00:12:45,165
for being so special."
325
00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:47,400
That's not funny.
326
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,202
Not supposed to be funny.
327
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,404
Yeah, well,
mission accomplished.
328
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:53,440
(snorts)
329
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:54,741
(chuckles)
Look at this one.
330
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,243
It's an old lady
with long banana boobs
331
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:57,845
and a dog looking at her.
332
00:12:57,911 --> 00:13:00,313
And on the inside, it says,
"How many were in your litter?"
333
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,315
That's not a
birthday card.
334
00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:04,517
It could be.
Write "happy birthday" inside.
335
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,355
I need a real
birthday card.
336
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:09,990
Okay.
337
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:14,061
Here's one
with a puppy on it.
338
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,796
"For someone very special
on her birthday.
339
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:19,332
Each day is a beautiful
gift to enjoy."
340
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:20,667
That's pretty good.
341
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:22,735
Yeah, and then you
could cut a hole
342
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,406
and pop your pinky through
and give that dog a bone.
343
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:31,912
I can't help you if you're not
going to work with me.
344
00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:38,185
I'm really glad
you came, Alan.
345
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:40,187
How could I not?
346
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:41,754
We're friends.
347
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,357
I know, but I was afraid it
might be uncomfortable for you.
348
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:47,227
No, no. Don't be silly.
349
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:49,863
So, uh, that's it?
350
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:51,498
No dinner? Just finger foods?
351
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:52,966
Sorry.
352
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,234
Oh, no, it's fine.
353
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,669
I could never have enough
prosciutto and melon.
354
00:13:56,736 --> 00:14:00,273
Oh. Hey, that'd be a good
name for a singing act.
355
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,175
Prosciutto and Melon.
356
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:03,743
"Ladies and gentlemen,
357
00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:07,147
the song stylings of
Prosciutto and Melon."
358
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,684
There's an open mic night
at the senior center.
359
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:13,353
I'm going to use that.
360
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,155
Terrific.
361
00:14:16,356 --> 00:14:17,324
So, how's he doing?
362
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,292
Who?
Alan.
363
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,627
Oh, oh, Charlie.
364
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,629
Uh, uh, he's doing fine--
just fine.
365
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,498
Good, good.
366
00:14:25,565 --> 00:14:28,335
In fact, he told me to
tell you happy birthday.
367
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,869
Oh, that's nice.
Tell him I said thanks.
368
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:31,404
I will.
369
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:33,606
And I'm sure he'd say,
"You're welcome."
370
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:39,612
So, um, how are
you doing?
371
00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,448
And it's me asking,
not Charlie.
372
00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,950
Although I'm sure he'd
be interested.
373
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:44,784
Not that I'd tell him,
unless you want me to.
374
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:46,386
Do you want me to? Wait.
375
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:48,855
Tell me how you're doing first,
and then we can decide.
376
00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:51,992
I'm doing fine, Alan.
377
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,826
Good, good. Oh, so is Charlie.
378
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:56,229
Can we change the subject?
379
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,932
You're the one
who brought it up, but sure.
380
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:06,739
You ever think about your
dad and Ed having sex?
381
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:11,311
"Happy birthday,
thinking of you."
382
00:15:11,378 --> 00:15:12,779
(scoffs softly)
383
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,247
What's wrong with it?
384
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,984
It's, what to you call it,
redumbnent.
385
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,019
Redumbnent?
386
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:22,555
Yeah. You got her a present
and you got her a birthday card.
387
00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:24,091
You're obviously
thinking of her.
388
00:15:24,157 --> 00:15:26,826
So saying you're thinking
of her is redumbnent.
389
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,828
So if you act like a moron,
390
00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:31,564
saying you're a moron
would be redumbnent.
391
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:33,133
Now you're getting it.
392
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,203
Oh, buddy, you really
shouldn't be walking around
393
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,538
without a helmet.
394
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,440
Wait here.
I'll be right back.
395
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:42,109
Why can't I
go with you?
396
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:45,278
Because I'm just
gonna give Chelsea
the bracelet and leave.
397
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,014
Bring me back
a piece of cake.
398
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:50,350
Corner with a flower
would be nice.
399
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:07,967
(door opens)
400
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,275
What the hell
are you doing?
401
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,244
Um...
402
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,112
checking for leaks?
403
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:25,085
Listen...
404
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:28,088
I need you to go up there
and give Chelsea the present.
405
00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:29,556
Why? Did you wuss out?
406
00:16:29,622 --> 00:16:32,392
No, no, I just don't
want to make a scene.
407
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:34,227
Here, wuss, wuss,
wuss, wuss.
408
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,562
Wuss, wuss, wuss...
409
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:38,398
(weakly):
wuss... wuss...
410
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:41,701
Just take the bracelet,
ring the doorbell,
411
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:44,271
say, "Happy birthday,
this is from Uncle Charlie,"
412
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,238
and leave.
413
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,539
Can I get a piece of cake?
414
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,275
Fine, grab a piece of cake.
415
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,943
What if they haven't
cut the cake yet?
Can I hang out?
416
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:53,413
No. I'm not gonna
sit here waiting for you.
417
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,248
Well, you don't
really have choice.
418
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:57,016
You're not
allowed to drive.
419
00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,651
What are you saying?
420
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,553
Well, at the risk
of being redumbnent,
421
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,889
I'm saying I'll
be having cake.
422
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:08,995
I can't believe I'm being
blackmailed by Forrest Gump.
423
00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:11,564
Can I tell her you're
waiting out here?
424
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,633
No! Are you nuts?
425
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:17,204
I was just thinking it'd
be a good way to get a
second piece of cake.
426
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,971
Get out of here!
427
00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:24,043
(sigh)
Run, Forrest, run.
428
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:26,346
What if I meet a
cute girl up there?
429
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:27,347
Would you mind
walking home?
430
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:28,948
Jake, I swear to God,
431
00:17:29,015 --> 00:17:31,318
do not make me
get out of this car.
432
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,721
Excuse me, let's not
forget who's doing
who a favor here.
433
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,259
Go.
434
00:17:39,326 --> 00:17:41,194
Yes, sir.
435
00:17:45,365 --> 00:17:48,067
Extra large?
436
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:52,172
Yeah, maybe if he
wears it as a lucky hat.
437
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,008
So, what about
the blonde?
438
00:17:56,075 --> 00:17:57,477
Is she single?
439
00:17:57,544 --> 00:17:59,446
Yeah, but she's
a little crazy.
440
00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,047
Mm, not a deal breaker.
441
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:05,252
The well-adjusted ones
generally won't come near me.
442
00:18:05,318 --> 00:18:06,386
Hey, Dad.
443
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,988
What are you doing here?
444
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,991
Uncle Charlie wanted me to give
Chelsea this birthday present.
445
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:13,260
Here.
446
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:14,861
So, have you cut the cake yet?
447
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,063
Uh, no.
448
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,965
We haven't even sung
"Happy Birthday" yet.
449
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:20,099
Oh.
450
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:21,434
* Happy birthday
451
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:24,771
(others joining in):
* To you
452
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:27,140
* Happy birthday
453
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,441
* To you
454
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:31,211
* Happy birthday
455
00:18:31,278 --> 00:18:34,747
* Dear Chelsea
456
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:37,284
* Happy birthday
457
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,186
* To you.
458
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:42,088
WOMAN:
Yay!
459
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:44,023
Thank you.
460
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:45,458
Thank you for coming.
461
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,694
Excuse me,
I need to get some air.
462
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:53,866
Wasn't me-- I always
claim 'em, you know that.
463
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:56,303
Come on, Skipper.
464
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,408
So, where's the cake?
465
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:11,751
(clicks on radio)
466
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:15,555
(changes station)
467
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,558
(changes station)
468
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,066
Aw, geez!
469
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,303
(flask clatters)
470
00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,540
(engine starts)
471
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,481
(crashing)
472
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:47,987
Oh, this is not gonna end well.
473
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:54,861
Charlie?
474
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:57,129
Hey, Chels.
475
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,732
Happy birthday!
476
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:03,270
* Men...
477
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:07,874
* Men...
478
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,243
Hey, did I tell you Uncle
Charlie's gonna pay me
479
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,011
to drive him back
and forth to work?
480
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,580
Oh, that's nice.
481
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,848
CHARLIE (calls):
I'm ready!
482
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:24,291
Yeah, I get to drive
his car twice a day
483
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:25,758
for three to six months,
depending on good behavior.
484
00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:28,060
CHARLIE:
Move it, numbnuts!
485
00:20:28,127 --> 00:20:29,496
Smart money's on six.
32549
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