All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S07E21 - Gumby with a Pokey (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

* Men.

WOMAN (on TV):
Bill, did you notice that girl

in the bikini
coming down the slope?

MAN (on TV):
I did...

You might want
to eat something

so that when
you throw up later,

it won't just be alcohol
and stomach juice.

Way ahead of you.

I call it an Egg McBourbon.

So this is your life now?

You just sit here
miserable and alone,

waiting for Chelsea to call?

I'm not waiting for her to call.

I'm watching TV.
Hmm.

And occasionally, I cry.

You do realize you're watching
the Weather Channel?

WOMAN (on TV):
All the way to the South East...

(dramatic instrumental music
plays on TV)

Happy?

Oh, yeah, The Pet Channel.

Who doesn't enjoy seeing a dog
get his anal glands expressed?

(phone ringing)

Chelsea?

(sighs)

Your ex-wife.

Oh.

Speaking of having
one's anal glands expressed.

Hi, Judith.
What's up?

Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

That's terrible.

Oh. Her grandfather died.

He was 94. It's no big deal.

(clears throat)

Well, he's in
a better place now.

He has to be.

He lived in Sacramento.

I'm sorry.
What's that?

You're kidding.

Oh. Oh, I-I...

I always loved that clock.

He left me
his grandfather clock.

Very old, worth a fortune.

I can sell it and buy a new car.

Oh, Judith,
that's just tragic.

So, uh, when are they going
to deliver the clock?

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

I guess your grandmother does
have more important things

to box up now...

like your grandfather.

You're right, not funny.

She never got my sense of humor.

Uh, well, I guess
I'll just drive up

to Sacramento
and pick it up.

Uh, once again,
my deepest sympathies.

Okay.

Score!

Help me out here.

Why would Judith's grandfather
leave you a valuable antique?

He liked me.
I was the only one in the family

who would sit
for hours listening

to his stupid stories
about Korea.

He fought in Korea?

No, he was a sex tourist.

Very creepy.

You know, I always
admired that clock.

I remember the first time
I saw it, I said,

"Bill, that is a hell of a clock
you got there."

Uh, and he was hard of hearing,

so that led
to the Korea stories.

Oh, hey,

you want to drive up
and get it with me?

Let's see.

Do I want to drive six hours
to Sacramento

to pick up a dead guy's clock?

With me.

Don't take this
the wrong way,

but I would rather get
a maple syrup enema

and then sit
on an anthill.

You didn't just make that up.

No. No, I've actually compiled
a list of things I'd rather do

than spend long periods of time
with you in an enclosed space.

Want to hear
some more?

No, thank you.

You sure? 'Cause I got a beauty

that involves hemorrhoids,
a bottle brush and sea salt.

I get it.

I'll just take Jake.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

So both you and Jake
are gonna be gone?
Yes.

Score!

* Men.

MAN (on TV):
Here's ordinary cat litter

after five days
of continuous use

by a relatively healthy cat.

Yuck! Looks bad, smells worse.

Now, here's Magic Pussy Litter

with its patented
Cluster Busters...

That is really cool.

Hey.

Hey.

What you watching?

An amazing breakthrough
in cat crap technology.

Dad says you're vegging
in front of the TV

'cause you still miss Chelsea.

Well, he's right for a change.

You know, I kind of do, too.

Remember how she would
come down in the morning,

and lean over
to pour cereal for breakfast,

and you could see
right down her robe?

Too soon?

What are you
doing up so late?

I was hungry.

Want to join me
for a grilled cheese sandwich?

Nah.
Pigs in a blanket?

I'm all right.

Two ice cream sandwiches
on a waffle?

I'll pass.

It's no trouble,

I'm making 'em anyway.

I'm fine.

You know, I really am sorry
about you and Chelsea.

Well, thanks, buddy.

Her boobs are real, right?

Yup.

Outstanding.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

* Men.

When can I drive?

When I get tired.

Relax, take in
the scenery.

Okay, now what?

I don't know.

Um... we enjoy each
other's company.

All right.

Okay, now what?

Oh, come on.

This is a golden opportunity
to get to know each other

as more than just
father and son.

What else are we?

We're two men on the open road,
free and unencumbered.

Oh.

What's unencumbered?

Uh, no restraints.

We can do whatever we want.

Okay.

I want to drive.

Later. Pick something else.

(passes wind squeakily)

Oh!
(laughs)

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Yeah.

Oh!

Oh, well, very funny.

Uh, so you want to go toot
for toot? Well, check this out.

(passes wind)

(laughs)
Wow.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

That is a bran muffin and a half
a grapefruit, my friend.

Yeah, well,
this is grilled cheese sandwich,

pigs in a blanket
and a waffle ice cream sandwich.

(passes wind)

Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah?

Well, this is an
antidepressant

and a mochaccino.

(passes wind)

Uh-oh.

Keep an eye out
for a gas station.

* Men.

28, 29, 30.

Aw, hell,
she ain't gonna miss one.

Hey, Russell.

Oh, hey, Charlie.

You want a muscle relaxer?

You take one with a Viagra,

and you're essentially Gumby
with a Pokey.

(laughs)

No, thanks.

I actually have a prescription
from a doctor.

Whoa. Look at you

following the letter
and spirit of the law.

Sleeping pills.

Those can be fun.

You know, with a couple
Red Bulls

so you don't fall asleep.

Party is over, Russell.

I need to get some sleep.

Oh. Well, then
you don't want this.

Nope.

You want something organic,

something created
by Mother Nature.

What do you
got in mind?
Ganja.

You trying to sell me pot?

Ah, not just pot.

I call this Ojai So-high.

Two hits, and a couple
of chicken burritos,

and it's "Goodnight, Irene."

Don't you need a
prescription for that?

What are you, a cop?

Okay, okay, but you're just
driving the price up.

Hello.

Oh, Dr. Gollygupta.

Russell here.

Oh, hello, Russell.

How are they hanging?

Twice the length of my penis,
thanks for asking.

My friend here needs
a prescription.

All right, uh, let me see him.

Oh, okay.

Charlie, I'd like you
to meet Dr. Gollygupta

of the Gollygupta Hypertension
and Glaucoma Clinic

in Sri Lanka.

Please to turn your head
and cough.

Just turn your head...
Yeah. (coughs)

(coughs)
There you go.

Oh, that's no good.

I'll send you a prescription.

(phone ringing)

Excuse me.

Hello, DirecTV customer service.

Roger speaking.

(printer beeps)

Oh, here it is.

Ah. Great news, Charlie.

You've got glaucoma!

* Men.

You know,
for gas station sweatpants,

these aren't bad.

I beg to differ.

May I say that you have become
a very good driver?

Grand Theft Auto, Dad.

It'd like driver's ed,
but with pimps and hos.

Well, whatever.

So, uh, have you given
any more thought

to what you want to do
after high school?

If this is the
college talk,

I think we need to
both be realistic.

Hey, hey, I know

a big university is probably out
of reach for the time being,

but there's still
junior colleges,

community colleges,
trade schools.

Hmm, man, I'd like
to trade schools right now

'cause this one's
kicking my ass.

Come on, Jake.

You know what
I'm talking about.

You have to start making plans.

Did you have plans
when you were my age?

Yeah, I had big plans.

What happened to 'em?

Just drive.

My life isn't over, you know.

Okay.

What doesn't kill us
makes us stronger.

Well, then, you must be
like The Hulk.

Let me tell you something,
young man.

Chapter two of your father's
story has yet to be written.

Is chapter one
"I Crapped My Pants"?

* Men.

Is that what
I think it is?

Yeah. I got a prescription.

God, I love California.

Just walk into a store
and buy your weed.

No more schlepping out to Reseda

and trading a piece of tail

for a short bag of stems
and seeds.

You're welcome to join me here.

No, no, not while I'm working.

All right.

Okay, I'm done working.

Man...

if I'd known
you liked the wacky weed,

I wouldn't have spent
the last eight years

getting baked under the deck.

You know, when I was on break.

Actually, this is the first time
I've touched the stuff

since a ZZ Top concert in '92.

I got so paranoid, I locked
myself in a Porta Potti

and tried to tunnel home.

(laughs)

Well, good news.

Pot's a lot stronger now.

What do you think?

I've rolled better joints
on the back of a motorcycle

while digging a bullet out
of my boyfriend's shoulder.

All right, fine.

You try it.

Oh, man, I hope
this helps me sleep.

I can't take another night,

wandering around the house,
thinking about Chelsea.

Yeah, yeah, boo-hoo.

Let's fire up this bad boy.

* Men. *

This is stupid.

We should've just left it
in the car.

Well, it's very
valuable, Jake.

I don't want
to see it stolen.

Who steals clocks?

Clocktomaniacs.

You have your mother's
sense of humor.

Okay, let's put her
down real easy.

Okay.

O-kay.

Good.

So, it looks like we have
a couple of hours

of daylight left.

How about you and I get
to know our state capital?

You want to drive
to San Francisco?

No, Sacramento is the capital
of California.

I don't think so.

Trust me.

Come on, got a map
from the lobby

that shows all the places
of interest in Old Sac.

(chuckles) Old sac. Get it?

Oh, yeah.

That was much better
than my joke.

JAKE:
Look at us, a couple of nuts

hanging out in Sacramento.

* Men. *

* Men. *

(both laughing)

Do it again.

Do it again.
No, no.
Oh, come on, please.

Do it again.
Do it again.

All right, all right.
Last time.
All right.

(à la federale):
Badges?

We don't need
no stinkin' badges!

Okay, okay, I got one.

I got one.

(à la Karl from Sling Blade)
Mm.

Some folks call it
a sling blade.

I call it a kaiser blade.

Mm.
(laughing)

I like them French fried taters.

Mmm.

Oh, good idea.

Where you going?

To the pier to get some of them
French fried taters.

No. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

What?

I love you, Berta.

I love you, too, Charlie.

Give me a thousand dollars.

Why?

Well, if you have to ask,
you don't really love me.

Oh, oh, and-and pretzels!

Get some pretzels!
Pretzels?

We don't need
no stinkin' pretzels!

(chuckles)

Oh, man, I'm so lucky
to have her in my life.

You've had a lot of wonderful
women in your life.

But you always find a way to
sabotage the relationship.

Chelsea?

MIA:
She's right, Charlie.

If there's a way it can
be blown, you'll blow it.

And not in the fun way.

Mia?

Tell me something,
Charlie.

Do you think your
inability to commit

and all your
macho posturing

is because deep down,
you're afraid you're gay?

You know,

I've wondered that, too.

Are you just a big ol' 'mo?

LYDIA:
He's not a 'mo.

He's got mommy issues.

Lots and lots of mommy issues.

Lydia!

Hey, it's Lydia.

EVELYN:
Excuse me.

Why does everyone
blame the mother?

Frankly, I think
you were more on target

with that homo theory.

Okay, I don't want
to be high anymore!

*

* Men. *

Hey, ask me why they should
change the name

of the Sacramento Kings
to the Sacramento Nads?

Why?

That way, everyone can chant,
"Go Nads!

Go Nads!"

Another winner.

Yeah, I may not be good
at school or sports,

but no one beats me
at ball jokes.

I'm so proud.

Can we watch TV?

You can watch TV anytime.

Let's talk.

You sure?

That hardly ever goes well.

Come on, what's going on
in your life?

Nothing.

Oh, please, you're 16.

That-that's a very
tumultuous time.

I mean, especially
with all the sexual issues

and the drugs and the internet.

Yeah. You gonna eat
your chicken skin?

Help yourself.

You ask me,
the skin's the best part.

Yeah, but it's not good for you.

Anyway, about your life...

Hey, there's a business
opportunity.

Go to all those skinless chicken
restaurants,

and take the skin
that they throw away

and open up a restaurant next
door named "El Pollo Skin-o."

That means "the chicken skin"
in Spanish.

That's very clever.

And guess where we'll open up
our first restaurant?

Sacramento.

Charming.

Then Muncie, Indiana, home
of Ball State University.

Then Lake Titicaca.

Not a ball joke,
but still funny.

Excuse me.

(muffled screaming)

What are you doing?

Screaming into a towel.

Oh.

I'm gonna watch TV.

Okay.

*

(muffled screaming)

* Men. *

Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God.

How many times has that

been said in this bed?

Or in this chair?

Or all over this rug?

On the balcony

looking at the ocean?

(speaking Polish)

You're not here!

You're not here!
None of you are here!

Wow, so this is
the bedroom.

I never got past
the couch.

What are you
complaining about?

I never got out
of the car.

He did me in a little
church in Van Nuys.

Right in the pew.

I would never let him
do me in the pew.

He dumped me when I said,
"I love you."

He dumped me

when he saw my penis.

Me, too.

And he never called me again.

Why, Charlie?

Why didn't you call?

(women clamoring)

I was busy.

I lost your number!

I was out of town!

You had a penis!

You, I don't know
what that thing was!

(panting)

*

This isn't happening.

This isn't happening.

Hey, Charlie.
(gasps)

Oh, Rose, not you, too.

Why not me, too?

Look, I'm really sorry
about our one-night stand.

I know I should've called you.

Yes, you should have.

Tell you what.

After I come down
off this stupid pot,

How about I'll call the real you

and take you out
on a proper date,

tell you how much
you mean to me--

how much you've
always meant to me?

The real me would like that
very much.

All I could find was
donuts and chalupas.

Hey, Rose!

Wait, you can see her?

Yeah, why?

(whispering): Can't you?

What the hell's going on?

You're imagining Berta.

Are you really here?

I don't know, am I?

Call me.

Okay, roll another fatty,

and let's polish off
these donuts.

* Men. *

Why can't I drive?

Because we are carrying
a very fragile clock

that is worth
a lot of money.
(sighs)

So when you sell it, what are
you gonna do with the cash?

Uh, I'm not sure.

I might buy a new car.

I might pay your Uncle Charlie
some of what I owe him.

Uh, I might put it
in your college fund.

So what kind of car
are you going to get?

I got my eye on a
Lexus convertible.

Sweet.
You know what?

That means you can
have this one.

No, thanks.

I want to get one
of those new Camaros.

Red with yellow
racing stripes.

And then I'm gonna
get a big, flaming skull

painted on the hood.

Don't you think
you ought to wait

to see how the people
at Domino's feel about that?

Really?

You think
I can get a job at Domino's?

Hey, a man's reach
should exceed his grasp

or what's a heaven for?

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

It means that as a
human, we should--

Oh, no!

No, no, no,
no, no, no!

Now can I drive?

* Men.