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1
00:00:02,370 --> 00:00:04,338
* Men. *
2
00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,839
(chuckles)
3
00:00:05,906 --> 00:00:07,241
I can't believe this is
only our second date.
4
00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:10,244
I know, I feel like I've
known you all my life.
5
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,146
Me, too.
6
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:15,149
I'm assuming you mean
that as a good thing.
7
00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:16,284
Absolutely.
8
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,186
(both moan)
9
00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:20,454
You're such an unexpected
surprise in my life, Alan.
10
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,256
Oh, thank you.
11
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,458
Uh, once again, I'm
assuming that's good.
12
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,459
(laughs)
13
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,195
It's great.
14
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:28,662
(both moaning)
15
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:30,531
Do you always wear
your socks in bed?
16
00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:33,534
Oh, oh, no, it's just one of
my toenails is kind of snaggly
17
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,403
and I didn't want to
scratch you with it.
18
00:00:35,469 --> 00:00:37,138
Oh, okay.
19
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,006
Had I known we were
going to make love,
20
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,309
I would have slapped a corn
pad on the little bugger.
21
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,476
(chuckles)
22
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:43,477
(door opens)
23
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,045
BOY:
Mom!
Damn it.
24
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:48,616
Eldridge, why aren't you
with your dad?!
25
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,119
'Cause he's
a giant douche!
26
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:54,422
Don't talk
about your father that way!
27
00:00:54,488 --> 00:00:56,724
He's actually
a colossal douche.
28
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:59,493
Um, uh, should I go?
29
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,195
No, no, it's fine.
30
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:02,830
(moans)
31
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,133
Do we have anything
to eat?!
32
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,234
Order a pizza!
33
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:07,535
I've got company!
34
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,069
Is it Dave?!
35
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:13,107
No!
Jimmy?
36
00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,908
No!
37
00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:17,511
He's just trying
to push my buttons.
38
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,513
Yeah, Jake's exactly
the same way,
39
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:20,548
always trying
to get my goat.
40
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,082
Now, who are Dave and Jimmy?
41
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:23,451
Shh, shh, shh.
42
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:24,952
ELDRIDGE:
Please don't tell me
43
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:27,155
you're doing
Jake's loser dad!
44
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,292
I'm a divorced mother
with a 16-year-old son!
45
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:33,294
I can't be picky!
46
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:38,499
Now, shut
your pie hole!
47
00:01:38,566 --> 00:01:40,668
I hate you!
I hate you right back!
48
00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,403
(door slams)
49
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:45,873
So... where were we?
50
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:50,110
Um... are you sure
you don't want
51
00:01:50,178 --> 00:01:52,112
to spend some time
with your son?
52
00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:53,581
I just did.
53
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,383
Fair enough.
54
00:01:57,651 --> 00:02:00,321
Can you tell
I got my boobs done?
55
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:03,357
Oh, no. They, uh,
they feel very natural.
56
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:04,625
Oh, good.
57
00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:07,361
That kid absolutely
ruined the first set.
58
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,830
Same thing happened
to my ex-wife.
59
00:02:09,897 --> 00:02:11,565
By the time Jake got
through with them,
60
00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:15,769
they looked like a couple of
windsocks on a quiet day.
Yeah.
61
00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:17,638
Oh, just, uh, just FYI,
62
00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,940
I'm all original equipment.
Ah.
63
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:22,510
Aside from, you know,
a little anal bleaching.
64
00:02:22,576 --> 00:02:24,111
What?
65
00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,913
Oh, it was an accident.
66
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:29,317
I, uh, sat on a Clorox
bottle by mistake.
67
00:02:29,383 --> 00:02:30,451
Story for another day.
68
00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:32,453
(music blasts from radio)
69
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:37,758
Eldridge, turn down
the freakin' music!
70
00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:39,960
Yeah, well, I don't
want to hear you have sex!
71
00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:41,795
Then put on
your headphones!
72
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,565
That's why I bought
them for you!
73
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,268
(music stops)
74
00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:48,502
That's better.
75
00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,538
Come here.
76
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,410
Is something wrong?
77
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,979
Oh, no, no.
Everything's great.
78
00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:01,081
Are you sure, 'cause...
79
00:03:01,148 --> 00:03:03,684
your toenail's the only
thing poking me right now.
80
00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:05,519
Oh, I'm sorry.
81
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:06,520
I'm a little distracted.
82
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:09,723
Well, let me
undistract you.
83
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,725
(electronic drums playing)
84
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,927
Son of a bitch.
85
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,566
What the hell is
wrong with you?!
86
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,902
Hang in there.
87
00:03:23,237 --> 00:03:26,073
We've practiced for this.
88
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:28,842
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
89
00:03:28,909 --> 00:03:32,012
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
90
00:03:32,079 --> 00:03:35,349
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
91
00:03:35,416 --> 00:03:37,251
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *
92
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,853
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
93
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:51,432
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men... *
94
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,969
* Men. *
95
00:03:56,036 --> 00:03:59,239
(playing melancholy version
of "Chelsea Morning")
96
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:06,013
* Woke up,
it was a Chelsea morning *
97
00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:12,920
* And the first thing
that I heard *
98
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:16,890
* Was a song outside my window
99
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:21,161
* And the traffic
wrote the words... *
100
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,163
Oh, give it a rest.
101
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,068
I miss Chelsea.
102
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:30,671
Hey. I miss the '80s,
103
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:34,107
but you don't see me
snorting blow off a DeLorean.
104
00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:37,978
I know he's grounded, Judith,
105
00:04:38,045 --> 00:04:40,581
but why can't he be
grounded at your house?
106
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:43,951
Well, I have a life, too.
107
00:04:44,017 --> 00:04:46,253
Yes, I do.
108
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,789
Since now.
109
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,524
Okay, I'll tell you the truth.
110
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:52,860
I... I've got
a new girlfriend
111
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:55,228
and she only gets off
one night a week and...
112
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,434
Why is that funny?
113
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,069
Oh! Ha, ha.
114
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:05,172
That's the pot calling
the kettle non-orgasmic,
115
00:05:05,238 --> 00:05:06,574
don't you think?
116
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,175
Hello?
117
00:05:08,241 --> 00:05:09,977
Hello? (groans)
118
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,179
Well, have a nice day,
you miserable bitch!
119
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,648
Oh, oh, you're still here!
120
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,316
Uh, uh, have a good weekend.
121
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:22,222
You know, Zippy, you
remind me of a blind
cat I used to have.
122
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,658
Bumping into walls,
123
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,259
stepping into his
water dish.
124
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,761
He was a hoot.
125
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,063
I called him "Magoo."
126
00:05:30,130 --> 00:05:31,799
Cute.
127
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:34,034
No, he was ugly, too.
128
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:37,971
Oh, hey, Charlie, uh,
you gonna be home tonight?
129
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,573
Why?
130
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,042
No.
Come on.
131
00:05:42,109 --> 00:05:44,144
I've got a romantic night
planned, but I need somebody
132
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,113
to keep an eye on Jake
'cause he's grounded.
133
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,715
I got a better idea.
134
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:50,384
Open the front door
and leave a trail of hamburgers
135
00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,185
to the Army recruiting office.
136
00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:56,089
Everybody wins but America.
137
00:05:57,157 --> 00:05:59,292
Hey, uh, Berta,
would you do me a favor?
138
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:02,830
Oh, Magoo, always
walking into walls.
139
00:06:05,499 --> 00:06:07,635
* Men. *
140
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:17,110
(floorboard creaks)
141
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,836
(engine starts)
142
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,039
(garage door closing)
143
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,147
(garage door closing)
144
00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:03,223
(rapping on window)
145
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,926
(screams)
146
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,065
Where are you going?
147
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,035
I told you. I've got a date.
148
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,370
And I told you I'm not going
to be responsible for your kid.
149
00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,339
Oh, you don't have to be
responsible for him,
150
00:07:19,406 --> 00:07:20,741
just let him see you.
151
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:23,110
You know, the illusion
of adult supervision.
152
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,012
No, no, no.
I've got plans of my own.
153
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:26,947
So if you're going to go,
take your kid with you.
154
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,416
Please, Charlie, I booked
a beautiful hotel room.
155
00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,919
And I put it on a credit card,
so there's no refund.
156
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,687
What do you mean
"a credit card"?
157
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,156
I'll pay you back, I swear.
158
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,326
Come on, it's just
for one night!
159
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,794
I don't ask for much.
160
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,697
Don't ask for much?
You're a human tip jar.
161
00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:46,033
I'm begging you.
162
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:48,101
I already took the Cialis.
163
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,170
Please don't make me
stay home with a boner.
164
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,973
You were going to make me
stay home with a boner!
165
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,042
Okay, okay, think about this.
166
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,877
If it works out
with me and Lyndsey,
167
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:59,747
I might be able to move
out of your house and into hers.
168
00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,749
Don't do that, Alan.
169
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,917
Don't toy with my heart.
170
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,519
All right, all right,
tell you what.
171
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,688
Go tell Jake to pack a bag.
172
00:08:07,755 --> 00:08:08,989
I'll drop him off at his mom's.
173
00:08:09,056 --> 00:08:10,991
Now, you're making sense.
174
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,628
(tires screeching)
175
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:17,330
Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
176
00:08:17,397 --> 00:08:19,166
This isn't over!
177
00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:21,835
Sorry!
178
00:08:23,737 --> 00:08:24,938
All right, here's the deal.
179
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,206
I've got someone
coming over tonight,
180
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,008
so I need you
to make yourself scarce.
181
00:08:28,075 --> 00:08:29,142
Are you back with Chelsea?
182
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,112
No, I'm not back with Chelsea.
183
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,947
So what's this new girl's name?
184
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,817
I don't know--
Jasmine, Jade.
185
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,453
I asked for Asian.
186
00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:45,759
Who'd you ask?
187
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,096
Nobody.
188
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,099
Just get out of here
for the night.
189
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:52,900
But I'm grounded.
Hey, hey!
190
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,234
Hey, hey, hey.
191
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,404
I don't burden you
with my problems.
192
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:05,646
Hey, Eldridge.
My uncle's horny.
193
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:07,280
I'll meet you at the pier.
194
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,282
* Men. *
195
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,818
This is fun, huh?
196
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,285
Sneaking off
to a hotel room
197
00:09:12,352 --> 00:09:14,688
like a couple
of horny teenagers.
Mm-hmm.
198
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,056
Of course, I never
had enough money
199
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,859
as a teenager to
afford a hotel room.
200
00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,528
My first time was on
a miniature golf course.
201
00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:22,863
Inside the windmill.
202
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,265
No kidding.
Did you get a hole in one?
203
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:28,435
Uh, well actually a hole in two.
204
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:30,871
I lost the first one taking
the putter out of the bag.
205
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:33,040
(laughing)
206
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,042
So, uh, where was
your first time?
207
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,877
Backstage
at a Police concert.
208
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:38,511
Oh, Sting?
209
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,881
Little bit.
210
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:43,617
(laughing)
211
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,018
Can we stop at the drug store?
212
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,353
Oh, uh, don't worry.
213
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,089
I brought enough condoms
to golf our brains out.
214
00:09:49,156 --> 00:09:51,792
No, actually, I have
to get some tampons.
215
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:54,962
Oh. Oh, you mean
for just in case, right?
216
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:57,097
'Fraid not. Sorry.
217
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:58,632
Oh, no, no.
Don't, don't be silly.
218
00:09:58,699 --> 00:10:00,133
Um, this is more about us
219
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,202
spending quality time together
than anything else.
220
00:10:02,269 --> 00:10:04,237
I'm glad you feel that way.
221
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:09,242
Nevertheless,
I do have a plan "B."
222
00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,011
Oh, what's that?
223
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,813
Plan "B," Alan.
224
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,915
It goes with my plan "J."
225
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,886
Oh...
226
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,554
Yay!
227
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,958
* Men. *
228
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:28,028
* Men. *
229
00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:33,033
ANNOUNCER (on TV):
The conference said it has been
informed by the NCAA...
230
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,668
WOMAN:
So, Charlie,
231
00:10:34,735 --> 00:10:37,004
how can I make you happy?
232
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,205
What are my choices?
233
00:10:38,271 --> 00:10:39,873
Well, you paid for
234
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:42,810
the full girlfriend
experience, so...
235
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,344
anything you want.
236
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:46,046
Anything I want.
Mm-hmm.
237
00:10:46,113 --> 00:10:48,248
I like that.
238
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,250
Okay...
239
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:51,785
Read this magazine...
240
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,690
...while I watch
SportsCenter.
241
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,595
I want the girlfriend experience
242
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,231
and that's what
my girlfriend used to do.
243
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,700
Okay.
244
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,102
And every once
in a while,
245
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,705
look at me and sigh
while rolling your eyes.
246
00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,074
(sighs)
247
00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:18,946
Oh, baby, that's
what Daddy likes.
248
00:11:21,214 --> 00:11:23,116
* Men. *
249
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:25,986
(Lyndsey moaning)
250
00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,857
Cramps, huh?
251
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,192
LYNDSEY:
No, I'm having
another child.
252
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,228
(laughs)
253
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,097
Uh, you know,
not that I'm complaining,
254
00:11:37,164 --> 00:11:38,932
but don't you gals
usually circle
255
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,834
this time of the month
on the old calendar?
256
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,436
It's not
an exact science, Alan.
257
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,038
Aw, for God's sake.
258
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,140
It's like the horse head scene
in The Godfather.
259
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:54,081
Could be worse.
260
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,649
Could be the prom scene
from Carrie.
261
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,220
That's not funny.
262
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:02,055
Sorry. Tell you what.
263
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:03,891
I will, uh, call
for some room service.
264
00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:06,459
Any special requests?
Maybe some champagne?
265
00:12:06,526 --> 00:12:07,928
Sure, whatever.
266
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,130
Oh, your wish is my command.
267
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,833
(louder):
Uh, hello. Hi.
268
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,701
Yeah, this is
Dr. Alan Harper.
269
00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,436
I'm in room 710,
270
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:20,140
and I would like a bottle
of your best champagne.
271
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,077
Oh, really?
272
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,513
You don't have anything
more expensive?
273
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,381
All right, it'll have to do.
274
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:34,354
Also, I would like some
fresh strawberries
275
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:37,891
and a dozen blue point oysters.
276
00:12:39,726 --> 00:12:41,661
Well, find some.
277
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:45,232
This is a special evening
and I will spare no expense.
278
00:12:45,298 --> 00:12:47,234
Thank you.
279
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:51,171
LYNDSEY:
Hey, Alan?
280
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:52,305
Yes, my sweet?
281
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,107
Can you hand me
my purse?
282
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,176
Oh, sure.
283
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:04,217
Incoming.
284
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,186
Ow!
285
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:08,588
Sorry.
286
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:09,422
We're in luck.
287
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:10,958
We are?
288
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:14,694
I've still got a couple
of Vicodin I stole from my son.
289
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,163
You stole drugs from your son?
290
00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:18,465
It's only fair.
He stole my youth.
291
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:21,134
All righty.
292
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,371
Room service.
293
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,240
Oh, that was quick.
294
00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:32,179
* Men. *
295
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,047
(TV chatter)
296
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:36,216
All right, now, we've
circled back around
297
00:13:36,283 --> 00:13:39,286
to hockey scores, so...
(TV turns off)
298
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,088
time for sex.
299
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:42,655
Okay.
300
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,791
And what kind of sex
does Charlie want?
301
00:13:44,858 --> 00:13:47,627
Ooh...
302
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,162
Hard to pick.
303
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:53,833
It's kind of like
Baskin-Robbins.
304
00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:57,137
You know, if they
charged $1,000 a scoop.
305
00:13:57,204 --> 00:14:00,840
And sprinkles
are way extra.
306
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,276
Well, I guess
if I have to choose,
307
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,478
my favorite kind of
sex is make-up sex.
308
00:14:06,579 --> 00:14:08,481
You're kidding.
309
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:09,917
No, it's great.
310
00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,651
Here's how we do it.
311
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:14,888
I will do or say something
that will really irritate you.
312
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:17,290
I can imagine
that happening.
313
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,026
And then we'll have
an argument,
314
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,460
which will escalate
into a fight.
315
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,295
You'll sulk, I'll pout.
316
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,564
Then after a couple
of minutes, we'll look
at each other
317
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:27,700
and realize we're being
silly, and how lucky we
are to have each other.
318
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,736
Then I will take
you in my arms
319
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,338
and we'll hump
our brains out.
320
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,606
Fine. How do we start?
321
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,442
Let me think.
322
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,776
All right.
323
00:14:36,843 --> 00:14:38,511
Go in the bathroom
and look in the sink.
324
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,847
What?
325
00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:43,516
Just-just do it.
Trust me.
326
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:54,327
Oh, God,
it's disgusting!
327
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:55,828
Good, go with that.
328
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:59,666
Would it kill you to rinse out
the sink after you shave?
329
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:00,867
Sorry.
330
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:02,702
All right, I forgive you.
331
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:05,505
No, no-no, no,
no, no, no. Not yet.
332
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,109
Make me work for it.
333
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,511
Okay.
334
00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,946
Damn it, Charlie,
335
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,082
you're the most thoughtless man
in the world.
336
00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,451
Oh, come on, I'll rinse out
the sink when I brush my teeth.
337
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:19,786
You haven't brushed
your teeth yet?
338
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:21,989
What kind of a pig are you?
339
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,225
Nice touch.
340
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,427
But just remember, you're not
really mad about the whiskers.
341
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:29,196
You're mad, 'cause
I don't listen to you
342
00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,563
and I don't like your friends
343
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:31,798
and I said snide things
about your mother.
344
00:15:31,864 --> 00:15:33,166
Yeah, yeah, yeah, so...
345
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:35,568
when do we get to the "humping
our brains out"?
346
00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:36,936
Oh, we're not even close.
347
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,205
This goes on for hours.
348
00:15:42,575 --> 00:15:45,145
Take this and pretend
like you're working.
349
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:48,381
Oh, sweetie,
I don't have to pretend.
350
00:15:50,050 --> 00:15:52,085
How would you feel
about slapping some
351
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,287
greasy skin cream
all over your face?
352
00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:56,623
Where you going with this?
353
00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,859
I'm just talking skin cream.
354
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,329
What do you think,
I'm some kind of freak?
355
00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,231
Okay, but I'm not
that kind of freak.
356
00:16:09,669 --> 00:16:11,338
* Men. *
357
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:13,340
(music from TV)
358
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,918
(belches)
359
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,927
Whoa, that's going
to attract seagulls.
360
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:41,801
Okay, let's get this over with.
361
00:16:41,868 --> 00:16:44,871
Don't you want to have some room
service champagne and oysters?
362
00:16:44,937 --> 00:16:46,873
No. I do this better
on an empty stomach.
363
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,441
(TV turns off)
364
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:51,378
By the way, um,
I'm a little foggy
from the Vicodin,
365
00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,513
so if I fall asleep
in the middle,
366
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:56,216
just give me a little
tap on the shoulder.
367
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:57,750
Okay.
368
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,452
Come here.
369
00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:03,923
You're a good
kisser, Alan.
370
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,192
Thank you.
371
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,160
Better than my ex-husband.
372
00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:11,098
Oh. Well, good for me.
373
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:13,100
He made up for it
374
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,302
below the waist,
if you know what I mean.
375
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,938
He had big feet?
376
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,140
Three of them.
377
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:22,975
But only two wore shoes.
378
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:26,045
Lucky you.
379
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:27,714
Ah, don't worry.
380
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:29,749
Size doesn't matter to me.
381
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:31,151
Good to know.
382
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:33,853
In fact,
in this situation,
383
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,123
the smaller the better.
384
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:44,264
Um... you're welcome?
385
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:51,238
(gurgling)
386
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:53,540
What the hell was that?
387
00:17:53,606 --> 00:18:01,348
Um, I don't know.
388
00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:03,750
(gurgling)
Uh-oh.
389
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:05,218
What?
390
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,053
I think the oysters
are making a break for it.
391
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,256
Excuse me.
392
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,391
Are you going to throw up?
393
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:12,559
I wish!
394
00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:15,428
You might want
to turn the TV on-- loud!
395
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:17,063
Why?
396
00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:19,866
You don't want to hear
what's about to happen!
397
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:23,403
* Oh... klahoma
398
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:26,339
* Where the wind comes
sweeping down the plain *
399
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,275
* Where the waving wheat
400
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:31,077
* It sure smells sweet
when the wind... *
401
00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:33,180
* Men. *
402
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:34,514
All right,
one grilled cheese
403
00:18:34,581 --> 00:18:36,783
with avocado and bacon,
extra crispy.
404
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,651
Oh, thank you, honey.
405
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:41,053
You realize that bacon's
going to kill you.
406
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,390
I know.
407
00:18:43,456 --> 00:18:45,925
You say you know,
but you keep eating it.
408
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:47,927
Oh, come on, don't nag.
409
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:50,129
I'm not nagging,
I'm concerned about you.
410
00:18:50,197 --> 00:18:52,332
Fine, fine.
I'll take the bacon off.
411
00:18:52,399 --> 00:18:54,000
Don't do me any favors.
412
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:56,336
No-no, no. I'm doing it.
I'm doing it, see?
413
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,609
(door opens and closes)
414
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,110
Who's that?
415
00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:06,112
Just the kid.
Jake, get in here!
416
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:07,447
We have a kid?
417
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:09,148
You didn't say anything
about having a kid.
418
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,451
He's not ours.
He's my brother's.
419
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:14,587
So what's my part
in this scenario?
420
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:18,057
You don't think I'm a good role
model, and yet, paradoxically,
421
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:19,726
you still want
to have children with me.
422
00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:22,562
What?
423
00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:25,232
Did you go out even
though you were grounded?
424
00:19:25,298 --> 00:19:27,099
You told me to.
425
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,603
Don't look at me
like that. He's lying.
426
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,738
I'm not lying.
427
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,973
And I'm not looking at you.
428
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:35,542
All right, all right, enough.
429
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,310
You, young man,
430
00:19:37,377 --> 00:19:39,111
go to your room and think
about what you've done.
431
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,281
Whatever.
432
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:44,684
I think we handled
that really well.
433
00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:47,119
Tough love, but I'm
still the cool uncle.
434
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,456
Hey, if you're happy,
I'm happy.
435
00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:51,991
I'm very happy.
436
00:19:52,058 --> 00:19:53,326
In fact, are you free tomorrow?
437
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:56,128
I'm never free,
but I'm available.
438
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,630
Well, great.
439
00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,799
How about you drag me
to some boring museum
440
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:01,268
so I can miss the Laker game?
441
00:20:03,336 --> 00:20:04,671
It's your money.
442
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,339
Is it okay if I go
take a shower?
443
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:07,307
Well, sure.
Okay.
444
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:08,841
I'll be up in a bit.
445
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:15,615
(sighs)
446
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:18,184
Still cheaper
than getting married.
447
00:20:19,652 --> 00:20:22,121
* Men. *
448
00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:27,059
All righty.
Here we are.
449
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,162
Thank you.
You're welcome.
450
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:35,167
Believe it or not,
I actually had a good time.
451
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,936
Really?
Well, yeah.
452
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:40,940
Nice hotel,
room service, no teenagers.
453
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:42,809
Um, I'm glad.
454
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,512
So, shall we try it again
455
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:50,317
in, you know,
five or six days?
456
00:20:50,383 --> 00:20:53,119
I would like that.
457
00:20:55,388 --> 00:20:56,389
Okay, uh...
458
00:20:56,456 --> 00:20:57,557
I don't mean to rush
you, but I really
459
00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:59,959
have to go home
to my bathroom.
460
00:21:00,026 --> 00:21:01,227
Want to use mine?
461
00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:02,762
Uh, no. No, that wouldn't
462
00:21:02,829 --> 00:21:04,964
be good for our
relationship.
463
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:05,965
All right.
464
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,400
Well, bye.
465
00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:08,901
Seriously, get out of the car.
466
00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:20,146
* Oh... klahoma
where the wind comes... *
31380
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