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This week was a major milestone because
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This week was a major milestone because
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This week was a major milestone because
Donald Trump made it a whole year. And I
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Donald Trump made it a whole year. And I
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Donald Trump made it a whole year. And I
got to give him a hand. Literally, I
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got to give him a hand. Literally, I
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got to give him a hand. Literally, I
think he needs a new hand cuz that
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think he needs a new hand cuz that
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think he needs a new hand cuz that
hand's got one unopened pickle jar
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hand's got one unopened pickle jar
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hand's got one unopened pickle jar
before it slides right off.
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before it slides right off.
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before it slides right off.
So, tonight I thought we'd do a progress
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So, tonight I thought we'd do a progress
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So, tonight I thought we'd do a progress
report. You know, what Donald Trump
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report. You know, what Donald Trump
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report. You know, what Donald Trump
promised during the campaign versus what
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promised during the campaign versus what
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promised during the campaign versus what
we got so far. We'll see how he grades
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we got so far. We'll see how he grades
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we got so far. We'll see how he grades
out. I'm guessing maybe like an A minus.
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out. I'm guessing maybe like an A minus.
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out. I'm guessing maybe like an A minus.
Does that sound good to y'all?
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Does that sound good to y'all?
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Does that sound good to y'all?
>> Okay. Damn. Fine. A+ then. I didn't
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>> Okay. Damn. Fine. A+ then. I didn't
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>> Okay. Damn. Fine. A+ then. I didn't
realize y'all were such fans. Let's
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realize y'all were such fans. Let's
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realize y'all were such fans. Let's
start with maybe the biggest promise
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start with maybe the biggest promise
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start with maybe the biggest promise
Trump made during the campaign.
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Trump made during the campaign.
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Trump made during the campaign.
>> I'm telling you, you're going to become
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>> I'm telling you, you're going to become
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>> I'm telling you, you're going to become
very rich. You're going to become rich
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very rich. You're going to become rich
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very rich. You're going to become rich
as hell. You're not going to know what
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as hell. You're not going to know what
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as hell. You're not going to know what
to do with the money.
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to do with the money.
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to do with the money.
>> Yes, we will.
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>> Yes, we will.
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>> Yes, we will.
It'll be 10,000 years before I run out
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It'll be 10,000 years before I run out
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It'll be 10,000 years before I run out
of ideas for what to do with the money.
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of ideas for what to do with the money.
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of ideas for what to do with the money.
You give me unlim unlimited money and I
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You give me unlim unlimited money and I
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You give me unlim unlimited money and I
run out of ideas for how to spend it,
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run out of ideas for how to spend it,
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run out of ideas for how to spend it,
I'll just start eating it. Americans
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I'll just start eating it. Americans
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I'll just start eating it. Americans
will always figure out what to do with
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will always figure out what to do with
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will always figure out what to do with
extra money. Have you ever seen how many
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extra money. Have you ever seen how many
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extra money. Have you ever seen how many
Cyber Trucks we've sold? That can't
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Cyber Trucks we've sold? That can't
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Cyber Trucks we've sold? That can't
even drive over loose gravel. And I
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even drive over loose gravel. And I
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even drive over loose gravel. And I
still see one every day. Now the
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still see one every day. Now the
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still see one every day. Now the
question is, one year later, did Trump
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question is, one year later, did Trump
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question is, one year later, did Trump
make us all rich? Considering your nana
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make us all rich? Considering your nana
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make us all rich? Considering your nana
asked the whole family to subscribe to
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asked the whole family to subscribe to
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asked the whole family to subscribe to
her Only Fan so she could pay the light
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her Only Fan so she could pay the light
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her Only Fan so she could pay the light
bill, I would say no.
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bill, I would say no.
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bill, I would say no.
If I'm being honest, I don't know
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If I'm being honest, I don't know
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If I'm being honest, I don't know
anybody who's feeling richer. According
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anybody who's feeling richer. According
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anybody who's feeling richer. According
to the New York Times, Trump has used
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to the New York Times, Trump has used
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to the New York Times, Trump has used
the office of the presidency to pocket
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the office of the presidency to pocket
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the office of the presidency to pocket
more than $1.4 billion for himself.
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more than $1.4 billion for himself.
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more than $1.4 billion for himself.
>> Wait, $1.4 billion off of being the
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>> Wait, $1.4 billion off of being the
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>> Wait, $1.4 billion off of being the
president? That's so rich it makes every
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president? That's so rich it makes every
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president? That's so rich it makes every
other president look stupid. Like, what
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other president look stupid. Like, what
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other president look stupid. Like, what
was up with George Washington's wooden
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was up with George Washington's wooden
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was up with George Washington's wooden
teeth?
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teeth?
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teeth?
You broke You should have had
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You broke You should have had
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You broke You should have had
them mers iced out.
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them mers iced out.
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them mers iced out.
[laughter]
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>> [cheering and applause]
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>> [cheering and applause]
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>> [cheering and applause]
[laughter]
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>> So, I'm going to say that promise was
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>> So, I'm going to say that promise was
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>> So, I'm going to say that promise was
not kept, but you can't win them all.
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not kept, but you can't win them all.
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not kept, but you can't win them all.
Let's look at another one.
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Let's look at another one.
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Let's look at another one.
>> So, we're going to have more jobs than
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>> So, we're going to have more jobs than
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>> So, we're going to have more jobs than
we we've ever had.
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we we've ever had.
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we we've ever had.
>> You will have more jobs. We're going to
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>> You will have more jobs. We're going to
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>> You will have more jobs. We're going to
create a lot of jobs. We will take in so
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create a lot of jobs. We will take in so
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create a lot of jobs. We will take in so
many jobs, millions and millions of new
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many jobs, millions and millions of new
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many jobs, millions and millions of new
jobs. We're going to do it like nobody
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jobs. We're going to do it like nobody
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jobs. We're going to do it like nobody
else.
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else.
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else.
>> Now, did we get millions of jobs? Well,
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>> Now, did we get millions of jobs? Well,
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>> Now, did we get millions of jobs? Well,
if by jobs you mean the foot jobs your
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if by jobs you mean the foot jobs your
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if by jobs you mean the foot jobs your
nana is given to pay the electricity
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nana is given to pay the electricity
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nana is given to pay the electricity
bill, then yes. Look, job growth across
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bill, then yes. Look, job growth across
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bill, then yes. Look, job growth across
the country has actually been down. But
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the country has actually been down. But
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the country has actually been down. But
there's one specific block of Washington
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there's one specific block of Washington
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there's one specific block of Washington
DC where job growth is through the roof.
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DC where job growth is through the roof.
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DC where job growth is through the roof.
>> President Trump of course serves as the
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>> President Trump of course serves as the
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>> President Trump of course serves as the
chairman of the board of peace.
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chairman of the board of peace.
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chairman of the board of peace.
>> Donald Trump naming himself chair of the
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>> Donald Trump naming himself chair of the
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>> Donald Trump naming himself chair of the
LA Olympics task force.
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LA Olympics task force.
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LA Olympics task force.
>> Trump is also the chairman of the
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>> Trump is also the chairman of the
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>> Trump is also the chairman of the
Kennedy Center.
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Kennedy Center.
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Kennedy Center.
>> For the first time ever, the president
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>> For the first time ever, the president
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>> For the first time ever, the president
served as the onstage host of the annual
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served as the onstage host of the annual
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served as the onstage host of the annual
honors event. touted himself as the
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honors event. touted himself as the
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honors event. touted himself as the
acting president of Venezuela.
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acting president of Venezuela.
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acting president of Venezuela.
>> Whoa. Trump. Trump. Leave some work for
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>> Whoa. Trump. Trump. Leave some work for
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>> Whoa. Trump. Trump. Leave some work for
Steve Harvey. All right.
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Steve Harvey. All right.
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Steve Harvey. All right.
Trump is taking everybody's jobs. He's
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Trump is taking everybody's jobs. He's
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Trump is taking everybody's jobs. He's
basically AI with even moreed up hands.
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basically AI with even moreed up hands.
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basically AI with even moreed up hands.
Hey. Hey, don't look away. This man
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Hey. Hey, don't look away. This man
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Hey. Hey, don't look away. This man
needs hands.
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needs hands.
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needs hands.
But this is crazy. Trump promised us
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But this is crazy. Trump promised us
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But this is crazy. Trump promised us
riches, then he got rich. He promised us
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riches, then he got rich. He promised us
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riches, then he got rich. He promised us
jobs, but then he got all the jobs.
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jobs, but then he got all the jobs.
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jobs, but then he got all the jobs.
Wait, what if what if when we heard all
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Wait, what if what if when we heard all
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Wait, what if what if when we heard all
of Trump's promises, we thought he was
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of Trump's promises, we thought he was
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of Trump's promises, we thought he was
talking to us, but maybe he was just
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talking to us, but maybe he was just
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talking to us, but maybe he was just
talking to himself. Because if you look
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talking to himself. Because if you look
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talking to himself. Because if you look
at it that way, he might be keeping his
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at it that way, he might be keeping his
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at it that way, he might be keeping his
promises.
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promises.
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promises.
Like look at healthcare. He's been
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Like look at healthcare. He's been
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Like look at healthcare. He's been
promising to improve healthcare for like
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promising to improve healthcare for like
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promising to improve healthcare for like
a decade now. And things are so bad, the
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a decade now. And things are so bad, the
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a decade now. And things are so bad, the
only healthcare most people can afford
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only healthcare most people can afford
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only healthcare most people can afford
is watching the pit and hoping Noah Wy
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is watching the pit and hoping Noah Wy
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is watching the pit and hoping Noah Wy
tells a patient how to treat eczema.
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>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
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>> [laughter]
>> But Donald Trump has more healthcare
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>> But Donald Trump has more healthcare
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>> But Donald Trump has more healthcare
than he knows what to do with.
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than he knows what to do with.
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than he knows what to do with.
>> President Trump says he has no idea
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>> President Trump says he has no idea
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>> President Trump says he has no idea
which part of him doctors were looking
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which part of him doctors were looking
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which part of him doctors were looking
at when he had an MRI in October.
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at when he had an MRI in October.
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at when he had an MRI in October.
>> What part of your body was the MRI
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>> What part of your body was the MRI
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>> What part of your body was the MRI
looking at?
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looking at?
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looking at?
>> I have no idea.
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>> I have no idea.
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>> I have no idea.
[laughter]
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[laughter]
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[laughter]
>> You have no idea. Are you getting so
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>> You have no idea. Are you getting so
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>> You have no idea. Are you getting so
many MRIs they just blend together?
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many MRIs they just blend together?
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many MRIs they just blend together?
Like, do you just get in tubes that
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Like, do you just get in tubes that
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Like, do you just get in tubes that
people tell you to? I'm starting to
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people tell you to? I'm starting to
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people tell you to? I'm starting to
think that if you got close enough to
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think that if you got close enough to
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think that if you got close enough to
Trump, you could probably just give him
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Trump, you could probably just give him
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Trump, you could probably just give him
a colonoscopy.
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a colonoscopy.
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a colonoscopy.
This guy's presidency is going great for
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This guy's presidency is going great for
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This guy's presidency is going great for
himself. Just look at free speech.
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himself. Just look at free speech.
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himself. Just look at free speech.
>> We will restore free speech, and we need
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00:04:21,909 --> 00:04:21,919
>> We will restore free speech, and we need
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00:04:21,919 --> 00:04:24,390
>> We will restore free speech, and we need
free speech in this country.
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00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:24,400
free speech in this country.
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free speech in this country.
>> Yes, Trump promised a golden era of free
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00:04:27,030 --> 00:04:27,040
>> Yes, Trump promised a golden era of free
243
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,110
>> Yes, Trump promised a golden era of free
speech. Not for you. They'll put you in
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00:04:29,110 --> 00:04:29,120
speech. Not for you. They'll put you in
245
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,430
speech. Not for you. They'll put you in
jail just for posting memes. But Donald
246
00:04:31,430 --> 00:04:31,440
jail just for posting memes. But Donald
247
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:34,870
jail just for posting memes. But Donald
Trump, his speech, it's so free it seems
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00:04:34,870 --> 00:04:34,880
Trump, his speech, it's so free it seems
249
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Trump, his speech, it's so free it seems
like it's lost in the woods. She's a
250
00:04:36,950 --> 00:04:36,960
like it's lost in the woods. She's a
251
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,390
like it's lost in the woods. She's a
documentary. Yes.
252
00:04:38,390 --> 00:04:38,400
documentary. Yes.
253
00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:40,230
documentary. Yes.
>> Only if you buy a Tesla.
254
00:04:40,230 --> 00:04:40,240
>> Only if you buy a Tesla.
255
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:43,749
>> Only if you buy a Tesla.
>> Uh, Abberian
256
00:04:43,749 --> 00:04:43,759
>> Uh, Abberian
257
00:04:43,759 --> 00:04:47,830
>> Uh, Abberian
go null f. So it's goof. Is that a
258
00:04:47,830 --> 00:04:47,840
go null f. So it's goof. Is that a
259
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:49,030
go null f. So it's goof. Is that a
proper pronunciation?
260
00:04:49,030 --> 00:04:49,040
proper pronunciation?
261
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,909
proper pronunciation?
>> I would say Abraham, but it's so much
262
00:04:51,909 --> 00:04:51,919
>> I would say Abraham, but it's so much
263
00:04:51,919 --> 00:04:55,350
>> I would say Abraham, but it's so much
nicer when you say Abraham said. Well,
264
00:04:55,350 --> 00:04:55,360
nicer when you say Abraham said. Well,
265
00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,830
nicer when you say Abraham said. Well,
let's see how we say that.
266
00:04:57,830 --> 00:04:57,840
let's see how we say that.
267
00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:00,390
let's see how we say that.
>> Acetamin
268
00:05:00,390 --> 00:05:00,400
>> Acetamin
269
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,948
>> Acetamin
pergoverious.
270
00:05:01,948 --> 00:05:01,958
pergoverious.
271
00:05:01,958 --> 00:05:02,710
pergoverious.
[laughter]
272
00:05:02,710 --> 00:05:02,720
[laughter]
273
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,390
[laughter]
Pergo Verus
274
00:05:04,390 --> 00:05:04,400
Pergo Verus
275
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,189
Pergo Verus
>> as a linguist, translator, and
276
00:05:07,189 --> 00:05:07,199
>> as a linguist, translator, and
277
00:05:07,199 --> 00:05:09,430
>> as a linguist, translator, and
cryptologic
278
00:05:09,430 --> 00:05:09,440
cryptologic
279
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,150
cryptologic
technician.
280
00:05:12,150 --> 00:05:12,160
technician.
281
00:05:12,160 --> 00:05:14,870
technician.
>> Wow. Listening to Trump makes me feel
282
00:05:14,870 --> 00:05:14,880
>> Wow. Listening to Trump makes me feel
283
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:18,070
>> Wow. Listening to Trump makes me feel
like I'm having a medical event,
284
00:05:18,070 --> 00:05:18,080
like I'm having a medical event,
285
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,430
like I'm having a medical event,
which is especially bad because he
286
00:05:19,430 --> 00:05:19,440
which is especially bad because he
287
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,270
which is especially bad because he
didn't fix healthcare. But you know
288
00:05:21,270 --> 00:05:21,280
didn't fix healthcare. But you know
289
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,430
didn't fix healthcare. But you know
what? Maybe my favorite Trump promise
290
00:05:23,430 --> 00:05:23,440
what? Maybe my favorite Trump promise
291
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,909
what? Maybe my favorite Trump promise
isn't even about a specific policy. It
292
00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:25,919
isn't even about a specific policy. It
293
00:05:25,919 --> 00:05:28,310
isn't even about a specific policy. It
was deeper and more meaningful.
294
00:05:28,310 --> 00:05:28,320
was deeper and more meaningful.
295
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:29,830
was deeper and more meaningful.
>> We're going to dream big again. We
296
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:29,840
>> We're going to dream big again. We
297
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:32,469
>> We're going to dream big again. We
haven't been dreaming big at all.
298
00:05:32,469 --> 00:05:32,479
haven't been dreaming big at all.
299
00:05:32,479 --> 00:05:34,310
haven't been dreaming big at all.
No, we haven't.
300
00:05:34,310 --> 00:05:34,320
No, we haven't.
301
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,150
No, we haven't.
>> But now Donald Trump is dreaming enough
302
00:05:36,150 --> 00:05:36,160
>> But now Donald Trump is dreaming enough
303
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:37,189
>> But now Donald Trump is dreaming enough
for all of us.
304
00:05:37,189 --> 00:05:37,199
for all of us.
305
00:05:37,199 --> 00:05:38,870
for all of us.
>> We're showing a picture now of Donald
306
00:05:38,870 --> 00:05:38,880
>> We're showing a picture now of Donald
307
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,870
>> We're showing a picture now of Donald
Trump with his eyes closed, battling to
308
00:05:40,870 --> 00:05:40,880
Trump with his eyes closed, battling to
309
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,950
Trump with his eyes closed, battling to
keep his eyes open, struggling to stay
310
00:05:42,950 --> 00:05:42,960
keep his eyes open, struggling to stay
311
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:43,270
keep his eyes open, struggling to stay
awake,
312
00:05:43,270 --> 00:05:43,280
awake,
313
00:05:43,280 --> 00:05:44,790
awake,
>> slumped in a chair in the Oval Office
314
00:05:44,790 --> 00:05:44,800
>> slumped in a chair in the Oval Office
315
00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:46,150
>> slumped in a chair in the Oval Office
today, appearing to nod off.
316
00:05:46,150 --> 00:05:46,160
today, appearing to nod off.
317
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:49,670
today, appearing to nod off.
>> He may have dozed off a few times.
318
00:05:49,670 --> 00:05:49,680
>> He may have dozed off a few times.
319
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,990
>> He may have dozed off a few times.
>> Hey, hey, don't laugh at him. All right,
320
00:05:51,990 --> 00:05:52,000
>> Hey, hey, don't laugh at him. All right,
321
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:53,749
>> Hey, hey, don't laugh at him. All right,
that leave that poor man alone. He got
322
00:05:53,749 --> 00:05:53,759
that leave that poor man alone. He got
323
00:05:53,759 --> 00:05:58,629
that leave that poor man alone. He got
like nine or 10 jobs.
324
00:05:58,629 --> 00:05:58,639
325
00:05:58,639 --> 00:06:00,629
So bottom line, when it comes to Donald
326
00:06:00,629 --> 00:06:00,639
So bottom line, when it comes to Donald
327
00:06:00,639 --> 00:06:03,430
So bottom line, when it comes to Donald
Trump, there's no you in us. And once
328
00:06:03,430 --> 00:06:03,440
Trump, there's no you in us. And once
329
00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,029
Trump, there's no you in us. And once
you understand that, things will go a
330
00:06:05,029 --> 00:06:05,039
you understand that, things will go a
331
00:06:05,039 --> 00:06:07,510
you understand that, things will go a
lot better for us. And by us, I mean
332
00:06:07,510 --> 00:06:07,520
lot better for us. And by us, I mean
333
00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,670
lot better for us. And by us, I mean
Donald Trump. I guess what I'm trying to
334
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:09,680
Donald Trump. I guess what I'm trying to
335
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:12,309
Donald Trump. I guess what I'm trying to
say is that unfortunately, we're all in
336
00:06:12,309 --> 00:06:12,319
say is that unfortunately, we're all in
337
00:06:12,319 --> 00:06:15,590
say is that unfortunately, we're all in
his hands.
338
00:06:15,590 --> 00:06:15,600
339
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,080
>> Look at it.
29250
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