All language subtitles for A.Perfect.Plan.2012.FRENCH.1080p.BluRay.x265-VXT-English

What bothers me,

is to hear all day

that lots of single guys want to settle down.

Excuse me, but I've been looking for six months.

Well, it's a desert.

I tried everything!

I go out in the evenings.

By myself of course,

but that's not that bad.
-Stop it!

I went on a singles cruise.

But I don't have the stomach for sea travel

and I was seasick for a week.

I registered on dating websites,

every single one.
But there are only idiots there!

So...

Excuse me...
A small duck liver

with pear on a bed of lettuce.

Thank you.

I've been to "Speed-Dating", "Blind Date",

"Speed Blind Date"

housewarming parties...

Since when do we invite strangers for Christmas?

She's Coco's new boss.
A very important publisher.

And?
-She was alone tonight...

She's unbearable!
-I know.

Another resolution was...

I went to see a make-up artist
who suggested a new haircut.

My hairdresser, Francis,

chose to do highlights and a volume treatment.

I wanted to show my face.

And it worked, right?

She should keep her mouth closed instead.

I haven't met anyone yet,

but I don't care...

because what matters is
the attempt of having looked for someone.

And since my divorce...

I've been better than ever.

Leave her, honey.

Cry, let it out.

I'm so sorry.

I'm ruining Christmas Eve for you.

Not at all.
-Are you kidding?

You're getting on my nerves.

Mom!

Well, she's a nightmare.

She's recently divorced.

Yes, she mentioned that five times.
But what's her problem?

My problem is,

that I'm 36.

The love of my life dumped me like trash.

I can't stand it!

I don't meet anyone.

Nobody!

Just idiots that want to hump me.
-Mind your language!

Dad, what does "hump" mean?

Sorry.

To hump someone,

it's like cuddling, but harder.

What's hard?

I'll explain later.

I'll never meet anyone.

I'll end up alone.

Well, V�ronique...

Val�rie...

Yes, whatever.

Let me tell you a story.

Not again,

the same old story!
-Please...

I'll go sit on the sofa.
-You stay here!

Val�rie...

No woman in our family

has had luck with the first marriage.

It's our curse.

More like a twist of fate.
-A curse!

I don't quite know when it started.

In 1884, with my great-grandmother Ad�le.

My grandmothers, my aunts, my cousins

all had to remarry

to be happy.

I will have a divorce too.

Of course!

Don't say that!

But it's true.

For us, the first is never good.

Val�rie...

I'm the second.

And grandpa too.

Yes.

There was one who wanted to avoid it.

Isabelle.

Who's Isabelle?

My older sister.

It began ten years ago.

She met Pierre during the final year

of her dentistry studies.

He was her tutor.

Tall and hadsome...

Soon,

he becomes her private tutor.

Soon, she moves into his apartment.

And it quickly becomes their apartment.

They work together.

Open wide.

In fact, they do everything together.

And for ten years, every week is the same.

Brunch on Sunday.

Isa, your foot!

Bowling on Monday.

Eating at the "Les Milles Saveurs" restaurant on Tuesday.

Veal chop? Sea bass?

Thank you, Pascal.

On Wednesday,

Pictionary.

A club chair!
-Yes!

On Thursday morning,

it's tennis.

And on Friday...

I'll skip the details.

Go on, Coco.

In short,

Pierre was the one.

But he was the first.

So she decided

not to get married.

Isa is smart!

In her own way,

she managed to advert the curse.
-But something was missing

for perfect happiness.

At first, not having kids seemed fine.

But at some point it went astray.

What are you doing?

Sorry.

Within a few months it became an obsession.

She was constantly thinking about it.

Even when she wasn't,
her biological clock kept reminding her.

I'm going shopping.

Everything okay?

Yes, great.

You know, many unmarried couples have children.

Listen,

for my mother, we already live in a mortal sin.
Our kid would be the devil's child.

She would sprinkle it with holy water,
whenever she'd see it.

Imagine the baby having to wear a raincoat.

In our family it's always
marriage first, then children.

You only need to do one thing,

marry me.

You know I can't.

Excuse me.

This went on for a while.

But one day she gave in.

We've known and loved each other for ten years.

Nothing will happen to us.

A modest, quick wedding and that's it.

Everything will be fine.

Since when do you smoke?

Since now.

What's wrong with me?

You were so happy.

You found the flaw.

I know,

but I want to have children with Pierre.

Being a single mom isn't that bad either.

Mom!

Hi, mate.

How can you say "yes"

when you know how it ends?

Don't tell me you believe
in these superstitions?

No, but I'm glad I'm the second.

Will "Vertigo of love" be played at the wedding?

Please don't be mad, but we'll have a DJ.
-Out of the question.

Music is my thing.

And that did it.

But...

I don't understand,
what the DJ has to do with the story...

Stop with this anecdote, nobody cares!

A story has many facets, like a prism...
-Facets.

Farah Fawcett.
-Brigitte Fosset.

Nope. You lose!

Now, where was I?

Stimorol.
-Oh yes.

You know, in Denmark,

one can get married
and have a divorce 10 minutes later.

The plan was,

express marriage and immediate divorce.

We called it

"Operation Stimorol".

There you are!

Landing in Kopenhagen at 9:53.

Lars von Anderson, a student,
will be expecting you.

He says "yes" at 11:00.

At 11:30, divorce.

Return to Paris at 15:00 and
you're available for Pierre.

Is this risky?
-No.

I lied to Pierre, I hate myself.

What have you told him?

The first thing that crossed my mind.
That you're depressed

and I'm accompanying you to
a spiritual retreat.

That's what crossed your mind first?

I know...

We're neighbours! What if he comes by?

You'll come up with something.

Take this.
-What is it?

It's for the snowstorm in Kopenhagen.

Oh no.
-Bye.

I have fear of flying.

I'm not Danish.
-Sorry.

You're in my seat.
-Oh, yes.

The flight attendant said I should check with you...

I have a horrible fear of flying,
and it helps me

when I see what's happening outside.

I understand.

Thank you, very kind of you.

Yes?

I'm waiting for my seat.

Don't worry, if we crash,

it hurts equally regardless of where you sit.

You know...

It's more likely to get killed when getting
a loaf of bread that in an airplane.

However...

I don't allow myself to be afraid of flying,
because I travel all the time.

I work for Routard.

The guidebook.

I know it.

Jean-Yves Berthier.
My friends call me "Gum".

Hello.

Are you going to Denmark?

Yes, like the rest of us on this flight.

No, I'm flying to Kenya. Nairobi.

Crap, I forgot something in my bag.

You must be wondering, why I'm here, right?

Yes.

I save 280 Euros with a stopover in Kopenhagen.

System R.

R as resourceful.

Do you know what you can do
with 280 Euros in Kenya?

No idea.
-Everything, absolutely everything.

Do you know what I do with it?
Nothing!

Nothing, because I'm responsible.

What will you do in Denmark?

I'll marry a Dane I don't know.

It will cost me 5000 Euros.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to relax now.

A white marriage?

Congratulations! Not bad.

I won't tell anyone.

Marriage is no longer what it used to be.

When I think of my parents...

Do you know how long my father
waited before asking for my mothers hand?

24 hours.

They were married for 70 years.

Jean-Yves, pull yourself together!

I'm the same.

If I find the right one,
I'll marry her on the spot.

And you?

What makes you think, I want to talk?

Honestly.

The headphones, the mask...

Sorry.

Louise, you understood, right?

What do you say to uncle Pierre?
-That you're here.

No.

You tell him that I'm not here!

When you see him,

what do you say?

That I have to say you're not here.

She doesn't get anything!

This is great.

Who is it?

Coco, I found...
What?

What's wrong?

Are you with someone?

Not at all.

Pierre, perfect timing.

I'm working on the
music for the wedding.

The selection is complex.

We'll start with oriental music by Enrico Macias,

then comes the disco part,

a Boney M. medley.
What do you think?

Yes.

Isa told me about Corinne.

It's not too bad, is it?

What do you mean?

Her depression. You can tell me.

Right.

It's unbelievable.

I'm here if you need me.

How are you holding up,
with kids and everything?

Not too bad, Nickel is at school,

therefore...

But it's Sunday.

Yes, it's Sunday.

It's Sunday...

...Mich�le Torr...

She's taking remedial courses.

She's not too bright.

But you know what?

It's no big deal.

Sit, let's have a coffee.

Okay? Here we go!

Yes, Isa?

He didn't come?

He stood me up.

I can only reach his voicemail.

I've been waiting for five hours.
Your plain is great!

What will you do now?

What can I do? I'm coming home.

No, you're almost there!

You will see this through!

But how?

No idea.

Be creative. Surprise me!

You're funny.
-Look around you.

It can't be

that difficult, finding a single man.

Grab the first available moron
and marry him.

Marriage...

If I find the right one,
I'll marry her on the spot.

And you?

I speak French.
-Great.

Tell me, are there churches in Kenya?

Yes, of course.

Then I'd like to take the next flight to Nairobi.

Very well.

I save 280 Euros

with a stopover, right?

No.

But I have a seat in Business Class

for 3200 Euros.

Thank you.

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing.

I'm flying to Nairobi.

Are you no longer marrying a Dane?

That was a joke.

I was under the impression

you were following me.

No, absolutely not.

Excuse me, you must find me terrible.

Yes, I do.

I'll make it up to you.

How's that?

This happens to me all the time.

I was upgraded again.

Thank you.
-You're welcome.

How's it going?

Having a nice flight?
-Fantastic.

I'm glad.

I'd like to apologise about earlier.

I'm listening.

What?

You'd like to apologise. Go on.

I apologise...

It's not that difficult, damnit!

You want to apologise.
So apologise already!

Relax. You're not the only one
who can be unpleasant.

It was a joke.
-Right.

Delightful!

Really delightful.

Will this be your first time in Kenya?

Are you kidding?

At least the fourth time this year already.

And I really need it right now.

It's my oxygen.

Speaking of oxygen, for diving...

It's because I'm single.

I just broke up with my boyfriend.

The good news is...

I'm alone.

Completely free.

Rather alone than in bad company.

Oh no.

Rather in good company than alone.

No, rather alone than

in bad company.

As you wish.

You confused me...

No. Rather alone than...

Yes, yes, immediately.

Alright.

Thank you.

Well,

see you later.

The lobby already reveals

what Nairobi Serena is.

A discreet hotel with a tropical flair.

Isabelle?

Jean-Yves! Unbelievable!
What are you doing here?

Are you sure you're not following me?

Not at all, I...

Is this how you treat women?

First you kiss them and then disappear.

Hang on, you kissed me.

We meet on flight to Kopenhagen,

then to Nairobi,

and we end up at the same hotel!

It's crazy!

Come.

Put your bathrobe on.
I'll meet you at the pool.

No, Isabelle. I can't.

I have to go. I'm already late.

You're not staying at this hotel?
-No, at Zebra Lodge.

Zebra has reopened?

I always used to stay there until it closed down.

Wait, I'll cancel my room here, okay?

Okay.

Hi, how's it going?

Doesn't matter.

Just move your lips like this...

Exactly. Perfect.

There are also two restaurants,

a bar, a shopping area, a casino...

Done.
-No, no, no. Please!

Golden rule,

dictaphone means silence.

Until I say "over", you mustn't

speak to me. Understood?

So, a casino,

a pool and a wellness centre.
In short,

all the luxury one can expect

at a five star hotel.

I'm sorry, work is work.

I understand.
-What were you saying?

I cancelled my room. Are we going?
-Yes.

And your baggage?

No, I know darling,

but I had to leave my mobile phone behind.

The nuns here are very strict.

You too, I miss you.

Hello? Pierre?

Pierre, can you hear me?

Hello?

Yes, I hear you now.

No,

we're not coming back yet.
Corinne isn't getting any better.

We're staying a while longer.

What?
-Sorry, it's nothing.

Corinne had another panic attack.

No, I'll call you again.
Don't call me.

Yes, me too, I love you. Bye.

Oh no!

I have the wrong bag.

Are we going?

Jean-Yves!
-Yes?

Have a look.

So?

Yes, um... Well, it's okay.

Another colour?

Yes? Well yes.

Yes?

It's so hot here!

It really is hot.

Unlike Russia.

You're familiar with Russia?

Well, if living in Moscow for twelve years

being the manager for East Europe,
Baltic and Russia for Routard

means being familiar with Russia,

then yes,

I'm familiar with Russia a bit.

And?

Here yes, but isn't it a bit too much for outside...

Should I try another one?

Choose one.

Be right back.

You look fantastic.
-Thank you.

So, Jean-Yves.

I want to know everything about you.

Well, I'm a Virgo, ascendant in Libra.

I cannot stand lies, injustice,

prejudice or tobacco.

I like sofa beds. They're practical.

I prefer practice over theory.

Many say I'm flirtatious.

That is absolutely not true.

I don't care how I look.

Apart from my hair.

I started losing it when I was 18.

I can shamelessly say I have transplants.

That's impossible!

You don't notice it easily.

I have taken two loans for them.

I hate seeing something going to waste.

I prefer coffee arabica over robusta.

I also like to dance.
Anything possible. Polka, Russian folk dance...

I've even tried lap dance last year.

But that wasn't for me.

A colour? No, many colours.

Orange, ultramarine and beige.

My lucky numbers?

Clearly, 26, 3 and 1000.

A book? "Empire of the Ants".
A song? "I Will Survive".

An animal? The centaur.

So, now you have Jean-Yves Berthier.

This was very detailed.

The good thing about living alone is
you get to know yourself very well.

Almost forgot, I enjoy bowling.

Me too. I love bowling.

All of this has given me an appetite.
I'm starving.

Alright.

What a symphony of smells!

Is this the famous "supu"?
-Yes, precisely.

The supu, s-u-p-u,

is the traditional Masai breakfast.

It's a soup prepared from goat's

heart, lung, liver

and other original ingredients.

I know what you're asking yourself.

What's a russophile editor doing in Africa?

Exactly.

I confess everything!

I'm here by coincidence.

There's no coincidence, only destiny.

No.

I'm replacing Guytou,

the one responsible for East Africa.

His yellow fever vaccination was overdue.

He was brought back immediately.

It's a suicide, coming here unvaccinated.

But of course there's no need to tell you this.

You're already finished!

Well yes, it's delicious.

Take the goat's eye.

I feel watched.

Come on,

no funny business.

I'm sorry, I can't help it.

Sorry.
-Finished? May I continue?

Sure, continue.

Her strategy worked.

She had Jean-Yves on the hook,

she just had to reel him in.

May I ask you something intimate?

Yes, absolutely.

When was your last love affair?

Twelve years.

Really? Twelve years ago?

No, I was twelve. Sandrine.

Since then, I had two or three adventures,

but not even that now.

Yes, because we are too demanding,

too uncompromising, too honest.

That's exactly it.

And you?

Me?

Nothing, noone, I'm single.

However, I'm troubled by someone recently.

Since when?

Since this morning.

How's that?
-A church!

It's the nicest one in the city.
Let's go.

Beautiful, isn't it?

It's not exactly St. Petersburg.

Jean-Yves...

I never expected this but it just hit me.

Call it what you like,

coincidence or fate.

But here we are.

Maybe I'm making
the biggest mistake of my life,

but I don't want to regret not making it.

This morning everything changed.

You turned my head upside down. Jean-Yves,

will you...

It's 13:37!
-What's wrong?

I'm going to Kilimanjaro.

If you want to come with me...

I'd love that.

Really?

Has being a guidebook author always been your dream job?
-Not at all.

I'm a writer.

But it doesn't pay.

What do you write about?

I write books for children.

But I won't bore you with it.

Okay. Great.

Well, it's about the adventures of Beurkys,

little furballs,

who struggle against...
-Careful!

...Who struggle against the cruel Arkos,

the evil ruler of the kingdom of Grull.

It takes place in a magic forest.

It may become a cartoon...
-That's great, but...

Excuse me, but there's something
I can't get off my mind since earlier.

What was that in the church about?

Put yourself in my position.

I meet the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

First,

she tells me to go to hell.
Only natural, happens to me every day.

Four hours later

I'm suddenly a God in her eyes.

Am I missing something?

Can you explain?

No.

Forget it.

I got carried away, wrapped in the moment. Alone.

But you're not alone.

I don't think that's wise.

If I go down this road,

I'll never stop.

I've been there too often.

Relax.

You definitely won't regret it.

As Guytou says,

one simply has to see this when in Kenya.

Along here.

Thank you.

It's beautiful.

Isabelle...

I know, I'm lacking words to describe the beauty too.

Lion...

A lion.

There's a lion.

There's a lion!

No, wait, Isabelle, don't.

Never run from a predatory cat.

I'm going to die!
-Isabelle, listen to me.

We must look it in the eye
and show it we're not afraid.

I've seen this in a BBC documentary.

BBC is a reliable source.

Don't panic.

I don't want to die!

We must tame it.
It's just a big cat essentially.

It should understand German,
just like in a circus.

Crap!

Isabelle.

Another option is

to play dead and wait until it leaves.

Unbelievable!

I've never been so afraid.

You see, had I let you run...

You didn't freak out?

No, I swear.
-Clearly.

I really didn't.

I had doubts at some point,

but I wasn't afraid.

When I saw...

We have to go.
-What for?

Wait for me!

Don't worry,

it's not an animal.

Just a vehicle being started.

Did you leave the key in the ignition?

Affirmative.

The most important thing is to avoid dehydration.

I got myself lost in Taiga one time

and leaves saved my life.

Here, look...

Here.
-No, thanks.

But it's full of water.

Damn, that's bitter.

Elephant dung would be ideal.

It can be squeezed.
It's a bit disgusting,

but it's full of minerals,
like buffalo dung.

Zebras, however, make very small droppings,
almost like olives,

which is useless.

Shut up!

Please. Just for two seconds.

Isa, you've been too exposed to sun. Calm down.

We'll soon reach Kilimanjaro.

And there are lots of tourists there.

Correction.

Tourist destinations

are much less crowded in evening than during daytime.

Thank you.

We could have been
in a five star hotel right now,

but this here is better. There are billions.
-No, Jean-Yves.

I'm begging you. Stop with the phrase.

I don't have the strength for this.

Yes.

Look, the Great Bear.

No.

Really, that's the Great Bear.

No, it's Andromeda.

The Great Bear is there.

Cassiopeia,

Centaur,

Pegasus, Orion.

I have no merit.

My father worked at a Space centre near Munich.

Was he an astronaut?

No, not at all.

He never left his office.

But he loved astronomy.

I was five when we moved back to France.

He built me a tree house.

We called it "the observatory centre".

It was brilliant.

He set up a telescope twice my size.

We'd watch the stars together all night long.

He promised that someday
we'd fly to the Moon.

Then he left.

Jean-Yves?

Is there anyone there?

Like a gopher, not bad, right?

Right.
-You scared me last night.

I've arranged for you to return to Nairobi.

Antokontok.

Come here.

In Masai, "antokontok" means moped.
Fortunate, isn't it?

Come on!

Antokontok, Isabelle.

Hop on. He'll take you back to the hotel.

We'll see each other tonight.

Are you not coming with me?

No, I have to stay for the wedding.

What wedding?

Village chief's daughter is getting married.

White people can't normally attend.

I can describe this in the guide...
What are you doing?

I want to stay with you.

Yes?
-I don't like motorcycles.

A few details on a Masai wedding.

First, the groom,

encouraged by village people,

goes into the wedding hut.

Although it's ancient,

this tradition manages without modern aspects.

The woman freely decides

whether she follows her future husband into the hut.

If she takes the "orkila",

the traditional wedding dress,

and enters the hut,

then the marriage is validated

by the singing of the villagers.

I forgot my jacket in the hut.
Can you get it for me?

But you don't have a jacket.

Hang on.

Do you realise what we've done?

Yes.

What a skank!

I'm sorry but it's terrible,

the way she treated that poor guy.

True, it wasn't exactly right.
-I won't finish the story,

if you keep insulting my daughter.

That would be a shame.

Honey.
-I need to use the toilet.

I love my mother in law,
even if she's stingy.

Patrick!
-Wait with the presents.

Bring the turkey.

Of course.

And?
-Everything's fine.

I'm married.

Let's go.

How was it?
-Unusual. I'll explain later.

Sweetheart!

Isa!

Don't turn around.

What are you doing?

I told you already,

there's something I need to talk about with my sister.

It's urgent.

My sister in law!

Corinne. Delighted.

Jean-Yves.
-Her husband.

Okay, bye.

Leaving me already?
-I'm late

for an appointment.

Meet you at your place then?

Alright, let's do that.
-I don't have your address.

I'll call you.

You don't have my number.

I'll call you.
-But how?

Wait!

Damn, you did it!

I knew it would work.

But why is your husband here?

He's not my husband.
It wasn't a traditional marriage.

Does it count?

It was a Masai wedding but it still counts.

You're free now, that's all that matters.

Is everything alright?

Yes, yes.

Patrick insists on managing the music

for your wedding to Pierre.

We'll see.

He's working on Voulzy.

You know what,

do what you want.

Veal chop? Sea bass?

No, I'd like something else. May I?

So, I'll have...

the rabbit.

She wants the rabbit.

And I do too. You live only once.

Thank you, Pascal.

So?

Everything is resolved.

Her depression was cured in three days?
-Whose?

Oh, Corinne? No, she's fine.

It's incredible, her healing.

And the practice?

Nothing out of the ordinary.
Mrs. Nizard was there.

She had an abscess on the fourth...

What is it?

Nothing.

I'm happy.

I'm glad to be here and that we're getting married soon.

I'm happy.

Me too.

It's not Friday yet.
-So?

We had a rabbit, didn't we?

Go on, Coco. Finish them off.

Nice ring! Thanks to you I look cheap.

Some of us have style.

Yes, some do.

How is the baby coming along?
-We're working on it.

How old are you? 49?

49? I'm 43.

Ah yes. You're brave, mate.

Even at the age of 30

rising at 5 am for peeing and pooping is hard.

But at your age?

And then the puberty kicks in.

By then, you're what, at least 60?

Your son hates you, takes drugs,

runs away, wants a scooter...
"Dad, I want a scooter."

"Never." The anxiety...

But don't think about it.

You want a child, great. Get on it!

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Not a single pin!

Again, your fingers should align with the pins.

Like this, you have to...

Your fingers like this, into the...
What's going on?

Lane 14.

Oh no!

Everything alright?

Yes.

I'm dying of thirst. I'll grab a drink.

What are you doing here?

I went to every bowling place in Paris.

There are much better ones than this one.

You can't just show up unexpectedly.

You lied to me. You're not single?

No, I'm not single.

I've watched you.
You don't love him.

You want to break it off,

so you fly to Kenya, you run into me,

it's love at first sight, a miracle of love.

You return to Paris,

but how do you tell him
you've met your soulmate?

Yes, it was exactly like that.

Exactly.

Give me some time. I have to tell him gently.

Okay, I'll wait at the car park.

No, no, no.

I need a bit more time.

Absolutely. Forgive me.

Take your time. He seems fragile.

And?

It's an obsession.

Good morning.
-Morning.

Hi, Katya.
-Hi, Isa.

And?

Isa, you have a patient waiting.

An emergency apparently.

Some Mr. Berthier.

Shall I take over?
-No, it's fine.

Are you crazy?!

Nice practice. Smells like money.

I have a surprise. But show me around first.

You said you'd give me time.

I thought it over.

It'll be better if I tell him myself.
-No!

I've often been in his place.
I understand, how he must be feeling.

No.
-Really.

No!

Everything okay, Isa?

Yes, yes.

It's not right to act like this.

I'll tell him from here.
Mr. dentist...

Mr. dentist!

Isa, don't.

Be quiet!

Shut up!

Everything okay, Isa?

What's going on?

Everything okay?

Great.

Are you sure?
-Absolutely.

Oh my God.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

It's nothing.

Jean-Yves.
-What?

Listen to me.
-Mmm, yes.

Are you listening?
-Yes.

We had a great time in Kenya.
But it's over.

But I love you.

Maybe you love me,

but I don't love you.

I'll never love you, okay?

Okay.

From today on,

I never want to see you again.

You leave me alone, okay?
-Alright.

It'll be all right.

Will you need another appointment, Mr. Berthier?

Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

Date of the wedding?
-May 15th, please.

Is everything booked up?
-Just a moment.

One day either way won't make a difference.
-A moment, please.

I don't understand.
-Is there a problem?

You're already married.

Excuse me?

You're already married.

It must be a mistake.
-No.

Impossible.

There weren't any carparks. Where are you going?

Don't I need to sign anything?
-No.

One signature is enough. Where did you leave the car?

There's a marriage contract.

A Masai wedding, but civilly
registered by Marc Berthier.

That's probably his brother.

You're already married.
-I don't believe this.

What?

It's funny, as per your agreement

on this goatskin,

you're entitled to three gold pieces, a hut

and half a litre of goat's urine.

If you haven't received that, I'll make sure you do.

Does this amuse you?

No. I apologise.

Serge, my sister needs you.

Yes, of course. I'm sorry.

This is completely illegal and we'll easily prove it.

Great, let's do that.

It will be resolved in a year.

I'm getting married next month.
-Alright,

if he signs the divorce papers,

it's effective immediately.

But since the man...

Give me the papers.

She's in big trouble.

I don't understand. Who validated the marriage then?

It just doesn't work that way.

We found out later on...

that his brother, Marc Berthier,

was a registrar in Paris.

So they were married for real!

Yes, husband and wife.
-Exactly.

She furiously waited.

Time passed by.

She had to lull Pierre.

That wasn't hard.

But still.

I organised a fake bridal shower in Marrakesh.

My sister was furious.

She was hysterical.

She almost made me fear for her.

Jean-Yves was her husband. If he had to be,

she'd make his life hell.

He will beg for a divorce!

I brought you warm clothes.

The divorce papers.
-Thank you.

Bye.

Where to?

Moscow.

Everyone in Moscow knows
the Eleseevskii delicatessen.

But the best kept secret
of this gastronomic temple

is it's bakery,

where charming Irina

makes the best "pirozhki" in the city.

Often copied, never equaled.

Jean-Yves!
-Irina.

Irina, your pirozhki are a poem.

You make me blush.

Good afternoon.

Irina, meet Isabelle.

His wife.

How did you find me?

The miracle of love.

I've constantly been thinking of you
since my little...

joke at the practice.

I needed time, but...

I finally know how I really feel.

I'll try my luck with you.

If you want it too.

And your dentist?

He's out of the picture. It didn't work out.

It must be said,

I'm not very easy to get along with.

Yes, but we're made for each other.

Exactly.

Here it is.

What, this?
-Yes.

But it's horribly ugly.

Yes, but it's in a central location.

Hang on.
-What?

What is it?

Here we are.

Small, but comfortable.

So, what do you think?

Honestly?
-Yes, absolutely.

It's awful.

You have a green light to redecorate.

Because now it's your home too.

What was in your puff pastry?

Spinach.

Are you sure?

Make yourself comfortable. I'll make us coffee.

Do you collect rats?
-No.

These are Beurkys, characters for the cartoon.

I already told you about it.

I was surprised to see you in Moscow.

But I'm really glad you're here.

I thought you were angry with me
for having registered the marriage.

But I did the right thing, right?

Oh, crap!

I'm so sorry.

I'm so clumsy, sorry.

I break everything, I'm really difficult to live with.

Don't worry, it doesn't matter.

The city of wonders, kitten.

Kitten. Nickname.

A game I played with my sister where we'd
slap each other for giving nicknames.

Sounds funny.
-It is.

What a fool!

Is he stupid or what?

Well, he just didn't understand,

that she didn't want him.

Love is blind.

A bohemian child.

Love is a bouquet of violets.

Love...

Too late. You lose.

In any case,

it was clear to her,

she had to speed it up.

Isa? Why is shampoo bottle empty?

Isa?

DEPILATING CREAM

Want to use mine?
-Yes.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

You're not dressed yet?

What's up?

Is something wrong?

I'm very sorry.

I have no idea how I got them mixed up.

Stop smiling.

You must be super mad.

The transplants cost you a fortune.

It may never grow back and I'm to blame.

It may. And it doesn't matter
even if it doesn't grow back.

You're not with me for that anyway,
but for this.

And this definitely won't fall out.

Gum!

How are you?
-Who's that?

Romain from Lonely Planet and Philippe

from Guide Hachette. Competition.

Handsome guys.

Oh, come on.

The French ambassador.
I'll introduce you.

Excuse me.

Jean-Yves.
-Mr. ambassador.

May I introduce my wife, Isabelle Berthier.

Good evening.

Mr. Paul Guignou,

the ambassador of France.
-His wife, Alice.

Good evening.

Katarina and Vladimir Oulianov.

Delighted.

And Andrei Petrovsky,

and old friend of mine,
who doesn't do anything in particular.

A freeloader.

My dear Jean-Yves,
you amuse us with your writing,

and today you're a delight for our eyes too.

Thank you.

Tell us,

how did the beast enchant the beauty?

Private property. No entry.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Jean-Yves is modest,

but you can tell us.

Fine.

In short,

I worked on the street for years.

Then I got tired of it

and started via internet.
You know how it goes,

the client pays and gives me orders.

Something like: "Mimic a goat",
"Call me pussy",

"Stick that in your ass."
The usual stuff.

And one day,

Jean-Yves logs in.

A ray of sunshine.

The problem was,

he always came too quickly,

so he had to return four to five times a day.

But that's how we became friends

and we decided to meet after four years.

That's not true, it wasn't like that.
-Yes it was.

Absolutely not.

That's not true.

Alright, it was a joke.

It's humour!

Listen, Isabelle.

Your little games

don't work with me, kitten.

Kitten. Nickname.

Thank you.

Isabelle, your escapades...

occur only because you're afraid.

You panic, that's normal.

"Till death do us part" fills you with fear.

But it's beautiful, damnit!

So just relax

and drop your guard down.

Embrace life.

The show "Notchka" by Igor Petrovich

is the trendiest cabaret...

What now? Oh no.

No, Igor...

Jean-Yves Berthier. Music!

No, out of the question.

Coco, it's me. No, it's not going well.

Nothing works. An utter disaster.

I've done things which I never thought I was capable of.

I act like a complete bitch

and he just looks at me with his big puppy eyes.

It's upsetting me.

I can assure you that.

He'll never sign the divorce papers.

Never.

What's he doing now?

I'll call you back.

This tee is a specialty in the Caucasus.

It's very good.

Would you like sugar?

Normally, it's drunk without it.

Isabelle?

Isa?

Isabelle?

He'll never

sign the divorce papers.

Never.

I've done things which I
never thought I was capable of.

I act like a complete bitch

and he just looks at me with his big puppy eyes.

It's upsetting me.

I can assure you that.

He'll never sign the divorce papers.

Never.

What's he doing now?

Thank you.

What?

Just a moment.

Alright then.

Jean-Yves, he wants to be introduced.

Richard, my "imaginary" friend.

I know that for me you're very real.

Jean-Yves, may I introduce Richard.

Richard, this is Jean-Yves.

Satisfied?

Well, say hi!

Hi, Richard. How are you?

So so? I understand.

What? Really? You want me to do that?

Alright, if it makes you happy.

What are you doing?

Richard asked me to spread jam
on my face. Funny, isn't it?

Stop.
-May I, please?

I'm talking to Richard.

Yes, Richard? Yes.

That too, of course. No worries.

Like this?

Here it goes.

Crap, it's hot!

But we had a good laugh.

Jean-Yves...

Yes, Richard?

How could I believe a woman like her
would like a guy like me?

No idea, I just did.

I must have been a bit stupid.

So I want you to

give her this.

I found divorce papers in her bag.

And I signed them.

Bye, Richard.

Jean-Yves!

Wait.

Jean-Yves, listen to me, please.

What do you want? You have the signature.

Jean-Yves, I've been with someone for ten years.

We're getting married in a month.

But in my family the first marriage never lasts.

So I needed a first husband

and a divorce.

Why me?

I'm sorry for what I did to you,

I was only thinking of myself.

And then I don't know...

You were simply in a wrong place at a wrong time.

You can hate me.

Jean-Yves!
-Crap, not them now!

Good afternoon.
Mr. Integrity falls for a call-girl?

Not bad, Gum.

Gum. Nickname.

Bye.

No.

Wait.

Jean-Yves, listen to me.

I never wanted to hurt you.

You really are something!

I still have 24 hours.

Want to spend them together?

Right after victory of the Soviet Union
over Nazi Germany,

Stalin began with the construction

of Vyssotny� Zdania,

also called "Vyssotki".

Both names are derived from Russian word "vyssoko",

that means "high".

Am I annoying you?
-No, not at all.

But I can tell I am.

No, do continue.

Really?
-Yes.

There are seven skyscrapers altogether.

Initially, Stalin had planned eight to be built,

for Moscow's 800th anniversary.
-Now you're boring me.

I knew it. You see?

Something's not right in that head of yours.

Why's that?

If Blandine married Solange first

and then married Marcel,

then your grandfather is...?
-Hector the first.

Family stories are funny.

In my family, the big toe

is smaller than the second.

It's a bit like your story, isn't it?

Doesn't look good?

Isn't it good?

No.

I have another one.

It goes well with my eyes.
-Right.

Excellent! Perfect!

Gorgeous.

You went a bit too far though.

My transplants, my bookshelf...

I know.

I'm sorry.

But you're really stubborn too.

I know, as soon as I like a woman

I get cumbersome.

Is that right?

Here, try this one.

Do you like it?
-Yes.

It's yours.

Thank you.

I have a riddle.

Now isn't the time.

I know, but it's funny.

Who's the least fortunate Russian in the history?

I don't know.

Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin.

Travelled seventeen times around the Earth,
only to end up crashing in Russia.

Noone else is laughing.

No, seriously, stop!

Well,

Gagarin is a national hero here.

Every year, there's national mourning on March 27th.

What's the matter?

I forgot about my fathers death anniversary
for the first time.

You're Gagarin's daughter?

No! My father also died on March 27th.

Oh yes,

how stupid of me. He was German.

And you're also too young, Gagarin died in 1968.

Who are you more alike,
your mother or your father?

My mother,

she leaves nothing to chance. I'm a bit like her.

I'd say quite a bit.

Nice!

But it's true.

I hope I have a little of my father's ardour too.

He was impetuous,

passionate,

crazy about my mother.

Then the illness prevailed.

They haven't divorced?

No, he died.

And he had never taken me to the Moon.

Come with me.
-What?

Come.

Where to?

It's not the Moon, but it comes close.

What is it?
-Come with me.

Well!
-What?

Never in my life!

You can't find anything better.

It's Russian and very sturdy.

Ah, well, no!
-Yes, I insist, come!

First we do a vertical climb.

Then the plane enters a free fall mode.

And then we'll be weightless.

What did he say?
-Nothing, nothing.

How long do we float?

Approximately 20 seconds.

Is there a problem? Tell me, now!

No, no, everything's fine!

How many loops?

Thirty.

How many?!
-Thirty.

What's that for?

For vomitting. Just in case.

Oh no. No!

I want to get off.
-No!

Is everything alright?

This was brilliant! Did you like it?

Yes, yes!

Once more!

Everything okay?
-Yes.

You alright?

I can't do it anymore.

And what if I was the one?

You're the first.

Yes.

Well...

Bye.

How are you?

You scared me.

Had a nice flight?

Yes, excellent.

What's the matter?

I have to tell you something.

What?

Are you pregnant?

No, not at all.
-Damn,

you scared me.

Sorry my love, I'm not yet fully awake.

I'm impossible. Forgive me.

Children at my age, it's scary,

but it will work out fine, I promise.

It will.

Alright.

Something else for a change.

Yes...

I'll go.

What are you doing here?

Don't worry.

You forgot this.

Thank you.

Hello.

This is Jean...

Jean-Paul, cousin from Qu�bec.

I'm here for the wedding.

Great! Welcome.

Thank you.

But the wedding is in three weeks.

One can never be too early.

As they say in Canada

"Who yawns before 6 am
sets after midnight."

I'm very happy for you two.

You have family in Canada?

Well, you know...

I'm

the grandson of Hector, who emigrated to Qu�bec

after Blandine

left him for...

Marcel.

We're past that point, aren't we, darling?
-Yes.

Well, I'll be off.

I just wanted to let you know I came.
Karibu, Isa.

Karibu...
-Pierre.

Karibu.

Yep, you're bad.

Makes it fun.
-Right.

To the bride and the groom!

Enjoy it, it won't last.

Very unsubtle.
-Don't worry.

I don't believe in curses anyway.

But your cousin from Qu�bec,

he's one of a kind.
-Who?

Well, Jean-Paul.
-Which Jean-Paul?

Jean-Paul, your cousin from Qu�bec.

You mean Jean-Paul.

I didn't understand the way you said it at first.

He showed up at our door at 9am.

With a bearskin hat.

"Karibu, Pierre. Karibu, Isabelle."

"I'm Jean-Paul. I come from Qu�bec..."

Isa, your foot.

I can't.

Of course you can.

No, this. Us.

Bowling every Monday,
with my foot never in the right place.

I'm fed up with it.

Always the same restaurant,
because it's the best one.

I'm fed up with it.

To know that we

never have a holiday in August,
because everything is full...

Isa, the wedding is stressing you.

But everything will go well.

You don't understand.
I don't want it to go well.

I don't want everything to happen as planned.

I want...

to be startled, to be surprised.

My alarm clock doesn't ring or the food burns
and it doesn't matter at all.

Or...

I don't know,

We make love on Monday or Sunday.

Or not at all for a month.

I want to be face to face with a lion.

I don't understand, Isabelle.

You've gone mad.

Pull yourself together.

No...

I haven't gone mad.

Quite the opposite.

I'm sorry.

Does that mean we won the game?

Shut it!

Do you want another slice
of the inevitable Sunday lamb?

With great pleasure.

Isa, did you want another small piece?

Don't you love meat?
-No, thanks.

You really don't want another slice?

No, thank you.

It was in the oven for seven hours.

It's okay, mom, let it go.

Pierre would have loved it.

Do you do it on purpose?

They've been separated for months.
Leave her alone.

You just can't help yourself!

Damnit!

One day, some child will break a leg here.

Better noone complains.

What are you doing here?

Everything okay?

Yes.

If only you knew, how many times
I wanted to demolish this hut...

But well...

you know your mother.
She would never allow it.

May I?

Do you know what it's like to wake up every morning

for 25 years,

and see this damn hut,

looking at you saying

"I was here before you"?

No.

No?

It scares you.

At the same time, I'm not fooled. I know that...

the six years your mother spent with your father

were the best of her life.

He was her first, but she did everything
to make sure he was the last.

Isabelle...

my little grasshopper...

Stop wasting time.

You should have demolished it.

Are you crazy or what?

It's the only place,

where I can have a cigar,

without your mother breathing down my neck.

In peace.

You never told me that.
-No.

I can still surprise you.

Do you love me regardless?

But of course.

And Jean-Yves, damnit?

Take it easy.

Excuse me, sorry.

She looked for him but he couldn't be found.

He resigned and disappeared.
No address, no phone number.

She phoned his brother.

He said he was renovating his house in B�sieux.

And guided English tourist groups.

That was it?

She came and left?

It sucks!

I can't believe it.
All you do is complain!

I slowly understand your ex.

Sorry. Take more cake.

I have a question.

Sorry, it's over, we...

Would you marry me again?

You know that in my family,
the first one doesn't last.

Look at us.

But if I remarry the first one,
he technically becomes the second.

And that should work.

What do you say?

No, I don't think it's...

I love you.

Please stop.

Come.

Here.

That was it. The end.

What do you think?

It's a lovely story.

But do you feel better?

Yes...

Crap...

Here we go again.

This is crazy!

We thought you'd like it.

It did make me feel better.

No, it's the wine and the champagne...

And you're all so nice...

It's...

Even

if the story isn't true...
-It is.

It's true.

But even if it wasn't,

I don't mind.

Very painful.

I'm sorry.

Come on, have some more wine.

To us!
-Merry Christmas!

Why aren't they here?
-They're on Gal�pagos Islands.

An emergency at the practice.
It took longer than expected.

Val�rie, meet Pierre.

Pierre?

Pierre, Isabelle's Pierre.

You haven't again...

Stop with the story. It makes me look like an idiot.

Not at all.

I don't think so.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

Give me the gifts.
Can you place them under the tree, honey?

Sit down, relax.
You too, Val�rie.

Try the cake. It's delicious.

Val�rie, finish yours. Otherwise there'll be trouble.

There's champagne, it's beautiful,
it's sublime, it's Christmas, right?

I save...

280 Euros...

I save...
My bag is at the back.

But nothing serious?

This is inedible. You ate that?
-Yes.

There's no chance in life,
Jean-Yves, just destiny.

Oh no...

I'll replace Guytou.

I believe they said "action".

Shy?

Sorry.

Shy. Yeah, right.

Action!

The Beurkys are small animals... Sorry.

That was the second time already.

The woman decides whether
she follows her future husband

into the hut.

In the hut...

...follows her future husband into the hut.

The wonderful thing about it is,

that she will take orkila...

into the hut... or to the hut's entrance...

...follows her future husband into the hut. And...

Okay, go.

If she recovers orkila...

and in turn...

Go ahead, Coco. Finish them off.

A man smiles, another weeps...

a cruel cycle of life.

Smells of feet, doesn't it?

But I love you.

Excuse me.

What?
-I mumbled in Russian.

Don't worry, everything's fine.

Hit him on the thigh again.

Yes, excuse me.

Everything okay?

That's enough.

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