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1
00:00:08,649 --> 00:00:10,813
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
2
00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:12,543
? I'm going down
to south park?
3
00:00:12,578 --> 00:00:13,842
? Gonna have
myself a time?
4
00:00:14,274 --> 00:00:15,969
? Friendly faces
everywhere?
5
00:00:16,004 --> 00:00:17,303
? Humble folks
without temptation?
6
00:00:17,338 --> 00:00:18,601
? Going down
to south park?
7
00:00:19,034 --> 00:00:20,764
? Gonna leave my
woes behind?
8
00:00:20,799 --> 00:00:22,460
? Ample parking
day or night?
9
00:00:22,495 --> 00:00:24,225
? People spouting
"howdy neighbor"?
10
00:00:24,260 --> 00:00:25,756
? Headed on up
to south park?
11
00:00:25,791 --> 00:00:27,254
? Gonna see if
i can't unwind?
12
00:00:30,715 --> 00:00:32,662
? So come on down
to south park?
13
00:00:32,697 --> 00:00:34,609
? And meet some
friends of mine?
14
00:00:40,400 --> 00:00:42,995
Well, here we are, dude, the
first day of fourth grade.
15
00:00:43,030 --> 00:00:45,592
Yeah, no more getting pushed
around by fourth graders.
16
00:00:45,627 --> 00:00:47,339
Get out my way,
you little dorks!
17
00:00:47,374 --> 00:00:49,079
Hey, we're fourth
graders now too.
18
00:00:49,114 --> 00:00:50,814
Yeah, but now
we're fifth graders,
19
00:00:50,849 --> 00:00:52,515
You stupid fourth grader,
so move it!
20
00:00:52,947 --> 00:00:54,211
Oh, gay, dude!
21
00:00:54,246 --> 00:00:55,543
Dude, we gotta find some
third graders to beat up.
22
00:00:55,976 --> 00:00:56,806
Hey, come here.
What?
23
00:00:56,841 --> 00:00:58,572
What grade are you
going into? Third.
24
00:00:59,004 --> 00:00:59,870
Stupid third grader!
25
00:01:00,302 --> 00:01:01,383
Yeah,
get out of here!
26
00:01:01,418 --> 00:01:02,466
Ow.
That's better.
27
00:01:02,899 --> 00:01:05,062
Y'know, i heard our fourth-Grade
teacher is some new lady from denver.
28
00:01:05,097 --> 00:01:05,892
Denver?
29
00:01:05,927 --> 00:01:07,622
Dude, we could
walk all over her.
30
00:01:07,657 --> 00:01:09,353
He's right, we have to take
a hard stance right now
31
00:01:09,388 --> 00:01:11,551
And establish that we're the
dominant ones in this relationship.
32
00:01:11,586 --> 00:01:13,247
All right, hey,
listen up everybody.
33
00:01:13,282 --> 00:01:15,878
We need to stand up to this new
teacher and insert ourselves.
34
00:01:15,913 --> 00:01:18,639
Let's all do something
radical. Like what?
35
00:01:18,674 --> 00:01:21,603
Like, how about right at 8:35
we all jump on our desk,
36
00:01:21,638 --> 00:01:24,531
Pull down our pants and shout
"kiss my ass" all together.
37
00:01:24,566 --> 00:01:25,830
Yeah!
That's perfect.
38
00:01:26,262 --> 00:01:27,992
But when we pull our pants down
should we stand frontways or back?
39
00:01:28,425 --> 00:01:31,852
I mean, do we show our behinds
or our wieners?
40
00:01:31,887 --> 00:01:34,916
I think showing our asses will
be quite sufficient, butters.
41
00:01:34,951 --> 00:01:36,611
Maybe we could
stand like this,
42
00:01:36,646 --> 00:01:38,810
With our wieners poking through
the back of our legs, y'know,
43
00:01:38,845 --> 00:01:41,370
Give her a nice
fruit bowl.
44
00:01:41,405 --> 00:01:43,534
Yeah, or we could
just show our asses.
45
00:01:43,569 --> 00:01:45,697
Okay, so it's decided,
when the clock hits 8:35
46
00:01:45,732 --> 00:01:48,328
We all stand on our desks, pull down
our pants and yell "kiss my ass".
47
00:01:48,362 --> 00:01:49,643
Together
we are strong.
48
00:01:49,678 --> 00:01:50,889
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
49
00:01:50,924 --> 00:01:53,087
Hey, timmy might need some help
pulling his pants down.
50
00:01:53,122 --> 00:01:54,385
We got you
covered, timmy.
51
00:01:54,420 --> 00:01:55,684
Timmy!
52
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,279
Whoa, dude, this is
our new classroom!
53
00:01:58,314 --> 00:01:59,542
Look at
all this stuff.
54
00:01:59,577 --> 00:02:01,307
Hey, what the hell's with
these little half desks?
55
00:02:01,342 --> 00:02:02,606
Dude, look at the walls.
56
00:02:03,039 --> 00:02:04,770
Everything is written in some
strange foreign language.
57
00:02:04,804 --> 00:02:06,517
All right, children,
quiet down.
58
00:02:06,552 --> 00:02:08,231
Welcome to
the fourth grade.
59
00:02:08,266 --> 00:02:09,493
Holy god, dude.
60
00:02:09,528 --> 00:02:12,124
Her titties are
f- Kin' huge!
61
00:02:12,159 --> 00:02:14,737
My name is
ms. Choks-On-Dik.
62
00:02:14,772 --> 00:02:17,317
More like,
"ms. Makes-Me-Sick".
63
00:02:19,047 --> 00:02:22,075
Playtime is over, children,
do you understand me?
64
00:02:22,110 --> 00:02:23,806
I don't know how
your last teacher behaved,
65
00:02:23,841 --> 00:02:25,438
But this is
the fourth grade!
66
00:02:25,473 --> 00:02:27,885
And it is time
to go to work!
67
00:02:27,919 --> 00:02:30,296
Heh heh heh-
Kiss my ass!
68
00:02:32,460 --> 00:02:35,453
Oh, weak, you guys,
seriously weak.
69
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:38,084
Well, young man, i hope you have
a good explanation for this.
70
00:02:38,516 --> 00:02:40,212
Oh, i'm sure i do.
71
00:02:40,247 --> 00:02:41,979
This is the fourth grade,
you need to grow up!
72
00:02:42,144 --> 00:02:43,674
I'm trying.
73
00:02:43,709 --> 00:02:45,440
Now get back to your desk
and write a thousand-Word essay
74
00:02:45,872 --> 00:02:48,468
On why you feel you need to
disrupt my class.
75
00:02:48,503 --> 00:02:49,731
Fantastic, guys.
76
00:02:49,766 --> 00:02:52,362
Now, let us begin
our first day exam.
77
00:02:52,397 --> 00:02:53,678
Uh! Uh!
78
00:02:53,713 --> 00:02:54,923
Silence!
79
00:02:54,958 --> 00:02:56,256
What a bitch!
80
00:02:56,689 --> 00:02:57,987
And did you see
her lazy eye?
81
00:02:58,420 --> 00:02:59,717
You can't even tell
who she's looking at.
82
00:02:59,752 --> 00:03:01,448
You guys are
all such pussies!
83
00:03:01,483 --> 00:03:02,711
I can't take it, man!
84
00:03:02,745 --> 00:03:05,775
Writing in cursive, fractions-
I can't do it!
85
00:03:05,810 --> 00:03:07,470
This is it,
the end of innocence.
86
00:03:07,505 --> 00:03:10,101
This is the loss of that playful
youth all our parents warned us about.
87
00:03:10,534 --> 00:03:12,264
I just didn't think
it would come so soon.
88
00:03:12,299 --> 00:03:13,528
Yeah, only now
do we realize
89
00:03:13,563 --> 00:03:16,158
How much we all took the
third grade for granted. Huh?
90
00:03:16,193 --> 00:03:17,854
Everything was great
in third grade,
91
00:03:17,889 --> 00:03:21,350
And now that it's all over we're
starting to see just how special it was.
92
00:03:21,385 --> 00:03:26,075
? Rein the third grade?O be
93
00:03:26,110 --> 00:03:29,138
? We used to laugh and play
and cherish each day?
94
00:03:29,173 --> 00:03:30,436
? In the third grade?
95
00:03:30,869 --> 00:03:33,465
? We learned wondrous things
from our teacher so nice?
96
00:03:33,898 --> 00:03:36,493
? Sat on marshmallow desks
with teddy-Bear smiles?
97
00:03:36,926 --> 00:03:39,305
? The world seemed to
all make sense?
98
00:03:39,340 --> 00:03:41,685
? But that sense seems
to slowly fade?
99
00:03:42,118 --> 00:03:44,247
? After third grade?
100
00:03:44,281 --> 00:03:46,843
? In third grade we used to
write with crayons?
101
00:03:46,878 --> 00:03:49,906
? We would make sparkly pictures
with glitter and glue?
102
00:03:49,941 --> 00:03:52,736
? We had warm cookies
and hearts full of love?
103
00:03:52,771 --> 00:03:55,531
? And there wasn't a care
in the world for me?
104
00:03:55,566 --> 00:03:57,659
? Or for you?
105
00:03:57,694 --> 00:03:59,425
? There's not a thing
in this life?
106
00:03:59,460 --> 00:04:01,120
? That i wouldn't trade?
107
00:04:01,155 --> 00:04:03,751
? Just to go back
for one minute?
108
00:04:03,786 --> 00:04:07,213
? To third grade?
109
00:04:11,539 --> 00:04:14,135
Wow, i had already forgotten
how great third grade was.
110
00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:15,831
Oh, sure was.
111
00:04:15,866 --> 00:04:17,129
Wish i was
still there.
112
00:04:17,163 --> 00:04:19,760
Hey, that's it- We gotta
go back to third grade.
113
00:04:19,795 --> 00:04:21,023
How?
114
00:04:21,058 --> 00:04:23,005
We travel
back in time.
115
00:04:23,039 --> 00:04:24,917
Oh, yeah,
time travel!
116
00:04:24,952 --> 00:04:26,682
How we gonna do that?
Does it hurt?
117
00:04:26,717 --> 00:04:28,430
I don't wanna do it
if it hurts.
118
00:04:28,465 --> 00:04:30,143
Or if it makes you
get all sticky.
119
00:04:30,576 --> 00:04:32,272
It can't be that bad,
people do it on tv all the time.
120
00:04:32,307 --> 00:04:34,470
Yeah, we just have to find
somebody who knows how to do it.
121
00:04:34,505 --> 00:04:36,166
What about those two college
guys next door to me?
122
00:04:36,201 --> 00:04:37,897
They're always doing science
experiments in their basement.
123
00:04:37,931 --> 00:04:40,528
Yeah, if there's a way to travel back
in time, those two dorks will know how.
124
00:04:40,563 --> 00:04:42,223
When it comes to
time travel theory
125
00:04:42,258 --> 00:04:44,387
There are basically
two schools of thought.
126
00:04:44,422 --> 00:04:47,017
The "spock theory" is that
a slingshot around the sun
127
00:04:47,450 --> 00:04:49,614
Could create a wormhole
in which time could not escape.
128
00:04:50,045 --> 00:04:52,174
The "lt. Commander
data theory", however,
129
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:56,103
Is that a magnetic vibration could
create a rip in the time-Space continuum-
130
00:04:56,536 --> 00:04:58,899
Look, whatever it takes, we just
have to get back to third grade.
131
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,395
Time travel
is no laughing matter.
132
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:02,593
Four times the "enterprise"
traveled back in time
133
00:05:03,025 --> 00:05:04,757
And four times they almost
didn't make it back.
134
00:05:05,189 --> 00:05:06,487
We don't want to make it back,
we want to stay there.
135
00:05:06,919 --> 00:05:08,650
Ohh.
So, can you do it?
136
00:05:09,083 --> 00:05:10,813
It's all theoretical, but from
a scientific standpoint
137
00:05:10,848 --> 00:05:13,410
The creation of a rip
in space-Timeispossible.
138
00:05:13,445 --> 00:05:15,538
We just need to find
an inertia device.
139
00:05:15,573 --> 00:05:19,034
Hey, this kid's electric wheelchair
might be just what we need.
140
00:05:19,069 --> 00:05:22,063
Ti-Timmy.
141
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:24,226
This new fourth-Grade teacher
is driving me nuts.
142
00:05:24,659 --> 00:05:25,922
What's the problem?
143
00:05:25,957 --> 00:05:30,284
You see, chef, ms. Choksondik
has very large, uh, honkers
144
00:05:30,319 --> 00:05:32,447
And she doesn't seem to like
wearing a bra.
145
00:05:32,482 --> 00:05:33,710
You call that
a problem?
146
00:05:33,745 --> 00:05:35,043
That sounds like
heaven to me.
147
00:05:35,475 --> 00:05:38,072
No, it's really not as nice
as you might imagine, chef.
148
00:05:38,107 --> 00:05:40,667
Principal victoria,
i would like a word.
149
00:05:40,702 --> 00:05:42,831
Ooh, call the doctor!
150
00:05:43,264 --> 00:05:45,426
My new students are the most
misbehaved, illiterate,
151
00:05:45,461 --> 00:05:47,555
Brain-Dead group of children
i've ever come across.
152
00:05:47,590 --> 00:05:51,052
Well, ms. Choksondik, those children
did fairly well in the third grade.
153
00:05:51,087 --> 00:05:53,647
One of them is mentally
handicapped for christ's sake!
154
00:05:53,682 --> 00:05:54,910
Oh, which one?
155
00:05:54,945 --> 00:05:57,073
The one
in the wheelchair!
156
00:05:57,108 --> 00:05:59,705
Look, i would like to have a talk
with their last year's teacher.
157
00:05:59,740 --> 00:06:02,318
Who was it,
mr. Uh, garrison?
158
00:06:02,353 --> 00:06:04,861
I'm afraid
that's impossible.
159
00:06:04,896 --> 00:06:07,493
Nobody's seen mr. Garrison since
the last school year ended.
160
00:06:07,528 --> 00:06:08,790
Why, where did he go?
161
00:06:09,223 --> 00:06:11,602
We... don't like
to talk about it.
162
00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:13,947
But i need help
reaching these kids!
163
00:06:13,982 --> 00:06:16,146
I have nothing but the highest
expectations for them.
164
00:06:16,181 --> 00:06:17,443
And with god
as my witness...
165
00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:18,707
Ohh! Ahh!
166
00:06:18,742 --> 00:06:20,473
I'm going to teach these kids
the wonders of the world
167
00:06:20,507 --> 00:06:22,037
So that they can
reach the top!
168
00:06:22,203 --> 00:06:23,033
Arhh!
169
00:06:23,068 --> 00:06:24,799
I hope that sometime very soon
you will let me in
170
00:06:25,231 --> 00:06:26,962
On what happened
to this mr. Garrison.
171
00:06:27,395 --> 00:06:29,558
And with that i will
bid you good day.
172
00:06:29,593 --> 00:06:31,722
Well, sure thing, fine,
bye-Bye then.
173
00:06:37,346 --> 00:06:39,042
All right, when we power up
the handicapped kid's chair
174
00:06:39,077 --> 00:06:42,105
We'll accelerate at a high rate
of speed about 10 feet that way,
175
00:06:42,538 --> 00:06:44,667
Then make the required
magnetic vibrations.
176
00:06:44,702 --> 00:06:46,864
If the fields are right, it
should then create a wormhole
177
00:06:46,899 --> 00:06:48,993
Up near the front
of the classroom.
178
00:06:49,028 --> 00:06:50,758
You guys don't actually think
this is going to work, do you?
179
00:06:51,191 --> 00:06:52,887
Now, when you all see
the wormhole,
180
00:06:52,922 --> 00:06:55,916
You guys are gonna have about
4.2 seconds to run through it.
181
00:06:55,951 --> 00:06:59,412
And on the other side, you will
find yourself in the exact same spot,
182
00:06:59,844 --> 00:07:01,143
Only, one year ago.
183
00:07:01,576 --> 00:07:02,873
Back in the
third grade.
184
00:07:02,908 --> 00:07:04,136
Cool. Cool.
185
00:07:04,171 --> 00:07:05,902
I can't wait until the
teacher yells at us this time
186
00:07:06,334 --> 00:07:07,632
And we all tell her
to suck our balls.
187
00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:09,761
Yeah!
Oh, here she comes.
188
00:07:09,796 --> 00:07:11,959
All right, children, i hope you
all did your homework last night.
189
00:07:11,994 --> 00:07:13,257
Please pass your papers
up to the front.
190
00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:15,385
Suck my balls!
191
00:07:15,420 --> 00:07:18,017
Oh, godammit, you guys,
i'm so seriously.
192
00:07:18,449 --> 00:07:21,478
I said, pass your papers
to the front.
193
00:07:21,911 --> 00:07:24,073
We didn't do our homework,
ms. Makes-Me-Sick,
194
00:07:24,108 --> 00:07:25,769
We didn't feel like it.
195
00:07:25,804 --> 00:07:28,833
It's choksondik, and you are
all going to have detention!
196
00:07:28,868 --> 00:07:30,581
Ha, ha, sure right
you are, teacher.
197
00:07:30,615 --> 00:07:32,294
I'm afraid we have
different plans.
198
00:07:32,727 --> 00:07:33,557
Gentlemen.
199
00:07:33,592 --> 00:07:34,891
Primary fusion
initiated.
200
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:36,621
Molecular grenadine
active.
201
00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:37,884
What are you doing?
202
00:07:37,919 --> 00:07:39,614
We're going back in time
to the third grade.
203
00:07:39,649 --> 00:07:42,246
Good-Bye, teacher, perhaps we
shall see you in another year.
204
00:07:42,281 --> 00:07:44,210
Ha ha!
205
00:07:44,245 --> 00:07:46,057
Timmy!
206
00:07:46,092 --> 00:07:47,870
Timmy!
207
00:07:52,629 --> 00:07:56,055
I didn't think it
would work. Me neither.
208
00:07:56,090 --> 00:07:59,120
Well, well, well, i'd say
somebody has some explaining to do.
209
00:07:59,552 --> 00:08:00,815
You're damn right
they do!
210
00:08:00,850 --> 00:08:02,148
Dude, timmy's chair's packed
with all that stuff.
211
00:08:02,581 --> 00:08:03,662
We gotta help him!
212
00:08:03,697 --> 00:08:04,708
Yeah, come on.
213
00:08:04,743 --> 00:08:06,475
Children, children,
come back here!
214
00:08:07,773 --> 00:08:09,901
Ahhh!
215
00:08:09,936 --> 00:08:11,234
Timmy,
you have to stop.
216
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:12,496
No!
No?
217
00:08:12,531 --> 00:08:13,795
Look, the system
malfunctioned.
218
00:08:13,830 --> 00:08:15,993
If he stops, the nuclear core
could break his magnetic field
219
00:08:16,027 --> 00:08:17,723
And the whole chair
will blow sky-High.
220
00:08:18,156 --> 00:08:18,987
What?
221
00:08:19,022 --> 00:08:20,320
Timmy, you gotta
get off that chair!
222
00:08:20,354 --> 00:08:21,582
No!
No?
223
00:08:21,617 --> 00:08:22,916
We rigged the chair to be
sensitive to his weight,
224
00:08:23,348 --> 00:08:24,646
If he gets off
the whole thing blows.
225
00:08:25,079 --> 00:08:27,242
So if timmy drops his speed below
five miles an hour the chair blows
226
00:08:27,277 --> 00:08:28,972
And if he gets off
the chair blows?
227
00:08:29,007 --> 00:08:31,136
Yep.
My god.
228
00:08:31,569 --> 00:08:34,165
It's been over three hours since the
police first showed up on the scene
229
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,626
Of a handicap boy's wheelchair
set with explosives.
230
00:08:37,661 --> 00:08:38,924
Over here, over here!
231
00:08:39,357 --> 00:08:41,520
The child can't stop or get off
the chair without risking explosion
232
00:08:41,952 --> 00:08:44,982
And so the swat team will now
attempt to disarm the device.
233
00:08:45,016 --> 00:08:46,712
Timmy!
234
00:08:48,876 --> 00:08:50,173
Closer!
235
00:08:50,606 --> 00:08:54,067
Don't worry, son, just
watch your speed and stay still.
236
00:08:54,102 --> 00:08:55,365
Look out, hanson!
237
00:08:55,798 --> 00:08:57,096
Oh!
238
00:08:57,131 --> 00:08:58,394
Timmy!
239
00:08:58,826 --> 00:09:00,124
Dear jesus,
hang on lady!
240
00:09:00,159 --> 00:09:01,423
Oh my god,
what's going on?
241
00:09:01,855 --> 00:09:03,118
Ma'am,
be very careful,
242
00:09:03,153 --> 00:09:04,884
That wheelchair
is set to explode.
243
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,146
What?! Ahh!
244
00:09:06,181 --> 00:09:07,445
Oh my god,
oh my god!
245
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,508
It's okay, just stay calm
and keep the speed above five.
246
00:09:10,941 --> 00:09:12,204
Okay, okay.
247
00:09:12,239 --> 00:09:13,935
Oh my god.
Ti-Timmy.
248
00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:15,267
Okay, i've got
the speed at five.
249
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:16,531
Good.
250
00:09:16,566 --> 00:09:19,594
What's the wheelchair's
battery power at?
251
00:09:19,629 --> 00:09:21,723
Oh my god, less than
20 minutes!
252
00:09:21,758 --> 00:09:25,652
Less than 20 minutes?
Oh, no, what have we done?
253
00:09:26,949 --> 00:09:28,680
What do you think,
too forward?
254
00:09:28,715 --> 00:09:29,979
I have had it!
255
00:09:30,014 --> 00:09:31,241
Ahh!
256
00:09:31,276 --> 00:09:32,539
These children
are out of control.
257
00:09:32,574 --> 00:09:36,901
I must speak with their last
year's teacher, mr. Garrison.
258
00:09:36,936 --> 00:09:39,298
As we said before,
that's impossible.
259
00:09:39,333 --> 00:09:41,660
What in god's name
happened to him?
260
00:09:41,695 --> 00:09:43,355
Uh, ms. Choksondik,
261
00:09:43,390 --> 00:09:46,419
Mr. Garrison had several,
uh, emotional issues.
262
00:09:46,454 --> 00:09:49,413
He was a closet homosexual
who hated gay people.
263
00:09:49,448 --> 00:09:52,044
When ever someone asked him
if he was gay, he'd go nuts.
264
00:09:52,476 --> 00:09:55,938
Then he was accused of trying to
solicit sex from a young boy.
265
00:09:55,973 --> 00:09:58,335
After being dismissed
from teaching
266
00:09:58,370 --> 00:10:00,662
He went off to write
romance novels.
267
00:10:00,697 --> 00:10:03,259
His first novel sold very well
and everything was fine
268
00:10:03,294 --> 00:10:06,720
Until he found out that his
novel won the gay pulitzer prize
269
00:10:06,755 --> 00:10:10,649
And was considered the best homoerotic
novel since "huckleberry finn".
270
00:10:10,848 --> 00:10:12,811
He finally snapped and
had a nervous breakdown
271
00:10:13,244 --> 00:10:15,408
And went up into the
mountains to live in solitude.
272
00:10:15,841 --> 00:10:17,138
Some say that
on cold nights
273
00:10:17,571 --> 00:10:19,735
You can still hear
him moaning,
274
00:10:19,769 --> 00:10:23,429
"I'm not gay
i'm not gay."
275
00:10:23,464 --> 00:10:27,055
I'm not gay!
276
00:10:27,090 --> 00:10:28,785
And nobody
has found him?
277
00:10:28,820 --> 00:10:30,984
Well, we haven't
really looked.
278
00:10:31,019 --> 00:10:32,247
I see.
279
00:10:32,282 --> 00:10:34,877
Then the only way i'll find the
secret to teaching these kids
280
00:10:34,912 --> 00:10:37,473
Is to go up into those mountains
and find mr. Garrison myself.
281
00:10:37,906 --> 00:10:40,070
But he could be anywhere
up high in those mountains.
282
00:10:40,502 --> 00:10:41,332
Oh, i'll find him.
283
00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:44,396
Even if i have to climb
up and up and up-
284
00:10:44,430 --> 00:10:45,694
No!
285
00:10:46,126 --> 00:10:46,957
What?
286
00:10:46,992 --> 00:10:48,688
Oh my god,
oh my god!
287
00:10:48,723 --> 00:10:51,101
Tom, i'm standing about
two miles outside of denver
288
00:10:51,136 --> 00:10:53,481
Where the darling handicap boy
fights for his life
289
00:10:53,516 --> 00:10:55,610
On a wheelchair of death.
290
00:10:55,645 --> 00:10:57,375
Guys, can you tell us
what kind of explosives
291
00:10:57,808 --> 00:10:59,504
We're actually
dealing with here?
292
00:10:59,539 --> 00:11:01,702
Uh, well, it's a simple
hydrogen fusion core
293
00:11:01,737 --> 00:11:02,568
With a veltic reactor.
294
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,299
It just turned into
a time bomb.
295
00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:07,327
This has never happened in all the
72 original "star trek" episodes.
296
00:11:07,362 --> 00:11:10,355
Yeah- Wait, you mean
73 episodes.
297
00:11:10,390 --> 00:11:11,887
No, there were 72.
298
00:11:11,922 --> 00:11:13,350
No there weren't!
299
00:11:13,385 --> 00:11:15,115
Oh, you're
such a nerd!
300
00:11:17,279 --> 00:11:19,009
Tom, i understand that now
the rescuers are gonna
301
00:11:19,441 --> 00:11:22,435
Try and send in one of the
handicap boy's little friends
302
00:11:22,470 --> 00:11:26,364
In an attempt to keep him calm
and hopefully disarm the device.
303
00:11:26,399 --> 00:11:29,358
It's all right, everything's
gonna be fine. Oh my god!
304
00:11:29,393 --> 00:11:31,556
All right, young man, when you
get underneath that wheelchair
305
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,720
I want you to relay back to me
with this walkie-Talkie
306
00:11:33,755 --> 00:11:35,017
And then i'll tell you
which wires to cross.
307
00:11:35,450 --> 00:11:36,315
Ready?
Let's go!
308
00:11:36,350 --> 00:11:38,478
Go blue!
309
00:11:41,075 --> 00:11:43,005
Hey guys.
310
00:11:44,536 --> 00:11:46,267
Okay- Ahh!
311
00:11:50,594 --> 00:11:52,757
Well, who didn't
seethatcoming?
312
00:11:52,792 --> 00:11:54,453
Oh my god,
oh my god!
313
00:11:54,488 --> 00:11:56,218
Stay calm,
you have to stay calm!
314
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,597
But if we get off the chair
it blows up!
315
00:11:58,632 --> 00:12:00,544
No, no, that's only
if the boy gets off.
316
00:12:00,579 --> 00:12:02,292
Oh... see ya!
Timmy!
317
00:12:02,327 --> 00:12:04,005
10 seconds, hanson!
318
00:12:04,438 --> 00:12:05,702
9, 8...
319
00:12:05,737 --> 00:12:07,035
Please help me.
320
00:12:07,069 --> 00:12:08,297
6, 5...
321
00:12:08,332 --> 00:12:10,496
Got it, i think.
Up, up!
322
00:12:11,793 --> 00:12:13,524
Timmy!
323
00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:25,206
Hey, it did work.
324
00:12:42,513 --> 00:12:44,209
Hellooo?
325
00:12:44,244 --> 00:12:47,705
Oh, what am i doing,
i'm gonna get myself killed.
326
00:12:47,740 --> 00:12:50,733
Is anyone here?
327
00:12:52,464 --> 00:12:54,592
Mr... mr. Garrison?
328
00:12:54,627 --> 00:12:56,790
Who are you?
What do you want?
329
00:12:56,825 --> 00:12:58,954
I'm the new
fourth-Grade teacher,
330
00:12:58,989 --> 00:13:01,947
I've come to
seek your help.
331
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:05,443
Please, i don't know how to
handle the new fourth graders,
332
00:13:05,478 --> 00:13:06,707
I've tried everything.
333
00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:08,637
I need to know how
you taught them.
334
00:13:08,672 --> 00:13:12,250
No, no, i haven't taught
in over eight months.
335
00:13:12,285 --> 00:13:15,828
Mr. Garrison, you knew
how to reach these kids,
336
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,126
You're my only hope.
337
00:13:17,558 --> 00:13:19,722
Do you know what it is
to be a teacher, ms...
338
00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:20,985
Choksondik.
339
00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:22,282
No i don't, it's a lie!
340
00:13:22,317 --> 00:13:24,481
You see, that's what you get
for being a teacher.
341
00:13:24,516 --> 00:13:26,176
You work and you work
for the children
342
00:13:26,211 --> 00:13:27,509
And then people start rumors
that you're gay
343
00:13:27,942 --> 00:13:29,240
Even though you
love poontang!
344
00:13:29,673 --> 00:13:32,269
Mr. Garrison, these children are
depending on me to give them a future.
345
00:13:32,304 --> 00:13:34,864
I can't do it without your
guidance, please help me.
346
00:13:34,899 --> 00:13:38,326
For them, for the future
of our children.
347
00:13:38,361 --> 00:13:39,624
200 bucks.
348
00:13:39,659 --> 00:13:40,887
Done.
349
00:13:40,922 --> 00:13:42,652
Dude, you gotta build us
another time machine.
350
00:13:42,687 --> 00:13:43,916
Huh? Oh, can't.
351
00:13:43,951 --> 00:13:44,816
What do you mean "can't"?
352
00:13:45,249 --> 00:13:46,763
You made it work,
just build another one.
353
00:13:46,798 --> 00:13:48,277
I can't because
pizza-Face isn't here.
354
00:13:48,312 --> 00:13:49,973
We're not on
speaking terms.
355
00:13:50,008 --> 00:13:51,738
We got in a big fight and he
moved all his stuff out.
356
00:13:52,171 --> 00:13:53,685
What did you get in
a fight about?
357
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,199
There's 73 original
"star treks",
358
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:56,896
He keeps saying
there's 72!
359
00:13:56,931 --> 00:13:59,093
Oh, jesus christ,
you've gotta be kidding me.
360
00:13:59,128 --> 00:14:00,824
No, he actually thinks
there's 72.
361
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,987
Look, can't you just build us
another machine without him?
362
00:14:03,420 --> 00:14:05,549
No, pizza-Face took all his
equipment home to his mom's.
363
00:14:05,584 --> 00:14:08,179
Now, if you can go over there and
get him to admit that he's wrong...
364
00:14:08,214 --> 00:14:11,208
All right,
come on guys.
365
00:14:11,641 --> 00:14:14,237
Man, i can't believe we have to do
this while timmy's already back in time.
366
00:14:14,272 --> 00:14:16,833
Yeah, timmy's probably back in
third grade right now living it up!
367
00:14:21,592 --> 00:14:24,153
Timmy!
368
00:14:24,188 --> 00:14:25,919
Timmy, ahh!
369
00:14:32,408 --> 00:14:34,104
All right,
let's try it again.
370
00:14:34,139 --> 00:14:36,735
Children, we are now going to
do math problems.
371
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:39,729
But teacher, i don't want
to do my math problems.
372
00:14:39,764 --> 00:14:42,793
You will do them or else you'll
be in very big trouble.
373
00:14:42,828 --> 00:14:44,523
Well, i'm not goin' to
do it, teacher,
374
00:14:44,558 --> 00:14:46,652
You can just
suck my balls.
375
00:14:46,687 --> 00:14:48,850
Don't use that kind of
language, young man.
376
00:14:48,885 --> 00:14:50,978
No!
No?
377
00:14:51,013 --> 00:14:53,609
Look, you can't counter a profane
command with an idle threat.
378
00:14:53,644 --> 00:14:55,773
You must extinguish it
with a vulgar suggestion.
379
00:14:55,808 --> 00:14:58,368
When a child says
"suck my balls", you say,
380
00:14:58,403 --> 00:15:00,531
"Present them".
381
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:01,795
Oh.
382
00:15:01,830 --> 00:15:03,561
Now, let's try it again.
383
00:15:05,723 --> 00:15:08,103
Suck my balls!
384
00:15:08,138 --> 00:15:10,448
Present them.
385
00:15:10,483 --> 00:15:13,044
Good... very good.
386
00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:15,242
You're ready to move on
to the next level.
387
00:15:15,277 --> 00:15:16,938
But i warn you,
388
00:15:16,973 --> 00:15:19,569
We will now be diving deep
into your own psyche.
389
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,949
These children know
what scares you
390
00:15:21,984 --> 00:15:23,896
And so, we too
must face those demons.
391
00:15:24,328 --> 00:15:26,023
I'm ready,
i'm not afraid.
392
00:15:26,058 --> 00:15:28,870
You will be, you will be.
393
00:15:28,905 --> 00:15:31,683
You will be.
394
00:15:34,712 --> 00:15:36,443
God dammit,
this is ridiculous.
395
00:15:36,478 --> 00:15:37,740
What?
396
00:15:38,173 --> 00:15:39,869
Dude, can you please just stop
fighting with your friend
397
00:15:39,904 --> 00:15:42,067
And build another machine so we can
travel back in time to the third grade?
398
00:15:42,102 --> 00:15:45,114
Look, there aren't 73 episodes
of star trek, there are 72!
399
00:15:45,149 --> 00:15:48,125
"The menagerie" was a two-Parter
that counts as one episode.
400
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,388
Pizza-Face is wrong.
401
00:15:49,423 --> 00:15:51,983
Who the hell cares?
I know!
402
00:15:52,018 --> 00:15:53,715
Why does he have to be
such a dick about it it?
403
00:15:53,750 --> 00:15:55,912
Won't it be better to just agree with
him and just forget the whole thing?
404
00:15:55,947 --> 00:15:57,176
No, because he's wrong!
405
00:15:57,211 --> 00:15:59,806
Look, you guys built a machine
together that can bend time.
406
00:15:59,841 --> 00:16:01,502
If you'll just
agree with him
407
00:16:01,537 --> 00:16:04,565
You can build another one and
usher in a whole new era of science.
408
00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:07,594
And live in a world of 72 original
star treks? I don't think so.
409
00:16:07,629 --> 00:16:11,055
I don't want to live
in that world.
410
00:16:11,488 --> 00:16:13,219
God, these guys are such
geek dumb-Asses!
411
00:16:13,652 --> 00:16:14,517
I know.
412
00:16:14,949 --> 00:16:16,645
Yeah, they don't even realize
that "the menagerie"
413
00:16:16,680 --> 00:16:19,709
Originally was the pilot and later
got split up into two episodes.
414
00:16:21,007 --> 00:16:24,433
Those dumb-Asses.
415
00:16:24,468 --> 00:16:25,766
Wait a minute,
i've got it.
416
00:16:26,199 --> 00:16:27,462
What?
417
00:16:27,496 --> 00:16:30,058
Dude, if you guys build
another time machine
418
00:16:30,093 --> 00:16:32,256
You can travel back in time
and ask the creator of star trek
419
00:16:32,689 --> 00:16:35,717
How many episodes
there were!
420
00:16:35,752 --> 00:16:38,711
Dear jesus,
you're right.
421
00:16:38,746 --> 00:16:42,605
This is it,
the tree of insight.
422
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:45,669
You must go in and
face what lives inside.
423
00:16:45,704 --> 00:16:46,967
What lives inside?
424
00:16:47,199 --> 00:16:49,562
Hell if i know,
i wouldn't go in there.
425
00:16:49,995 --> 00:16:51,294
Alrighty.
426
00:16:53,889 --> 00:16:55,585
Well?
427
00:16:55,620 --> 00:16:59,947
What the
- Well, there's nothing in here but an exit to the other side.
428
00:16:59,981 --> 00:17:02,507
There's nothing
in here at all.
429
00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:06,436
Oh, and i actually thought my
mental demons would be in here.
430
00:17:06,471 --> 00:17:10,330
Wait a minute, maybe there's not
supposed to be anything in here.
431
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:14,657
Maybe i'm supposed to see that i alone
do have the strength to reach the kids.
432
00:17:14,692 --> 00:17:18,551
I think i get it now.
433
00:17:21,146 --> 00:17:23,743
Hey, hurry up
in there!
434
00:17:24,176 --> 00:17:27,204
Jesus, you're taking too long
in the damn tree of insight!
435
00:17:27,239 --> 00:17:31,063
You in there?
436
00:17:31,098 --> 00:17:34,126
Hey, where the hell
did she go?
437
00:17:34,559 --> 00:17:36,506
What the?
438
00:17:36,541 --> 00:17:38,453
Ahh!
439
00:17:38,886 --> 00:17:40,582
Who-Who are you?
440
00:17:40,617 --> 00:17:43,645
I am you,
i am your gay side.
441
00:17:44,078 --> 00:17:46,241
My gay side...
i don't have a gay side!
442
00:17:46,276 --> 00:17:49,270
You must face me
at last.
443
00:17:53,597 --> 00:17:55,327
You aren't real,
you can't be.
444
00:17:55,593 --> 00:17:59,221
It is me, your darkest fear,
your gay self incarnate.
445
00:17:59,256 --> 00:18:00,484
What do you want?
446
00:18:00,519 --> 00:18:02,682
I want you to not
fight me anymore,
447
00:18:02,717 --> 00:18:04,846
To accept me
once and for all.
448
00:18:04,881 --> 00:18:06,541
Why?
Don't you see?
449
00:18:06,576 --> 00:18:08,740
All these years,
your pain, your confusion-
450
00:18:09,173 --> 00:18:12,201
It comes from one place,
your denial of who you are,
451
00:18:12,236 --> 00:18:13,932
Of whoweare.
452
00:18:14,365 --> 00:18:16,528
But i'm not gay,
everyone just thinks i am.
453
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:17,791
Oh, stop it!
454
00:18:17,826 --> 00:18:19,088
What about the time
you looked at
455
00:18:19,123 --> 00:18:21,720
Counselor mackie's penis
in the men's locker room?
456
00:18:21,755 --> 00:18:23,467
I was just
comparing size!
457
00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:25,146
For seven minutes?
Ah!
458
00:18:25,181 --> 00:18:26,877
And what about the
time you masturbated
459
00:18:26,911 --> 00:18:29,508
To the men's 100-Meter
swimming relay at the olympics?
460
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:31,238
I was beating off
to the chicks.
461
00:18:31,273 --> 00:18:32,501
There were no chicks!
462
00:18:32,536 --> 00:18:35,132
Oh, damn you, spirit,
haunt me no longer!
463
00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:36,395
Admit it!
No!
464
00:18:36,430 --> 00:18:38,594
You have to stop lying
to yourself and get-
465
00:18:38,629 --> 00:18:40,324
All right, all right,
i admit it.
466
00:18:40,359 --> 00:18:42,488
I'm gay!
467
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,083
I'm... gay.
468
00:18:45,516 --> 00:18:47,247
I'm gay.
469
00:18:47,281 --> 00:18:48,942
I am gay!
470
00:18:48,977 --> 00:18:53,304
You hear that, everyone?
I'm gay, i'm gay!
471
00:18:53,339 --> 00:18:56,332
I'm gay and it-
And it feels good.
472
00:18:58,929 --> 00:19:01,092
All right, children,
i hope you all did your-
473
00:19:01,127 --> 00:19:03,653
What is going on now?
474
00:19:03,688 --> 00:19:06,716
Ha ha, teacher, we're traveling
back in time to third grade.
475
00:19:06,751 --> 00:19:08,447
Godammit, you guys,
you seriously said this time
476
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:09,762
You'd stand up
and do it with me.
477
00:19:09,797 --> 00:19:11,502
Oh, good gravy,
not this again.
478
00:19:11,537 --> 00:19:13,171
Yes, we had
anewtime machine built,
479
00:19:13,206 --> 00:19:16,200
This one out of a simple
microwave oven and a duck.
480
00:19:16,235 --> 00:19:19,264
Au revoir, teacher, perhaps we
shall see you in the past, ha ha.
481
00:19:19,299 --> 00:19:20,094
Gentlemen...
482
00:19:20,129 --> 00:19:21,392
Children, i will
have order!
483
00:19:21,427 --> 00:19:23,555
I can't wait for gene roddenberry
to tell you how wrong you are.
484
00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:26,619
Just like when you said there were no
two-Parters of "battlestar galactica".
485
00:19:27,052 --> 00:19:28,315
There weren't!
486
00:19:28,350 --> 00:19:30,513
The episode called "guys on ice
planet zero" was a two-Parter!
487
00:19:30,945 --> 00:19:31,811
No, it wasn't!
488
00:19:32,244 --> 00:19:33,108
Oh, son of
a bitch.
489
00:19:33,143 --> 00:19:34,407
I'll kill you!
490
00:19:37,435 --> 00:19:39,814
There it is,
come on everybody.
491
00:19:39,849 --> 00:19:42,194
Children, get back
into your seats.
492
00:19:42,229 --> 00:19:43,293
No way, lady.
493
00:19:43,328 --> 00:19:44,323
Eric, i mean it.
494
00:19:44,358 --> 00:19:46,521
You can suck my balls.
495
00:19:48,252 --> 00:19:50,415
Present them.
496
00:19:52,745 --> 00:19:53,841
What?
497
00:19:53,876 --> 00:19:55,139
You said,
"suck my balls".
498
00:19:55,174 --> 00:19:58,635
Well, go ahead, whip 'em out
and i'll suck 'em.
499
00:19:59,068 --> 00:20:02,097
Tha- That's what
mr. Garrison would've said.
500
00:20:02,529 --> 00:20:04,260
Touch?, teacher, touch?.
501
00:20:04,693 --> 00:20:05,991
Now, children,
listen to me.
502
00:20:06,423 --> 00:20:08,119
Why do you want to
go back in time?
503
00:20:08,154 --> 00:20:10,715
Life isn't about going back,
it's about going forward.
504
00:20:10,750 --> 00:20:13,779
Yes, there are times in our life
that we wish we could relive,
505
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:16,808
But if we already lived them
perfectly, why live them again?
506
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,836
The adventure of life is that
there's always something new-
507
00:20:19,871 --> 00:20:21,965
New challenges,
new experiences.
508
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:25,028
A fun game is a game that
gets harder as it goes.
509
00:20:25,063 --> 00:20:28,489
So it is with life.
Do you understand?
510
00:20:28,524 --> 00:20:30,886
Dude... she's right.
511
00:20:30,921 --> 00:20:33,214
Yeah, and you know,
512
00:20:33,249 --> 00:20:35,412
Now that i think about it, third
grade wasn't all that great either.
513
00:20:35,447 --> 00:20:37,108
Yeah, third grade
sucked!
514
00:20:37,143 --> 00:20:39,738
Cartman, why the hell did you try to
make us think third grade was so great?
515
00:20:39,773 --> 00:20:41,037
Yeah, you suck,
cartman.
516
00:20:41,072 --> 00:20:42,300
What?
517
00:20:42,335 --> 00:20:44,065
All right, students,
that will be quite enough.
518
00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:45,328
If you're ready,
519
00:20:45,363 --> 00:20:49,257
Let's continue on
with the fourth grade.
520
00:20:49,690 --> 00:20:51,386
Dun-Dun-Duh!
521
00:20:51,420 --> 00:20:53,151
Hey, timmy's back.
522
00:20:53,584 --> 00:20:56,047
Dude, it looks like
he's been all over time.
523
00:20:56,082 --> 00:20:58,509
He must have such
cool stuff to tell us.
524
00:20:58,544 --> 00:21:00,038
Ih- Timmy.
525
00:21:00,073 --> 00:21:02,237
You know i'm always here
to help, principal victoria.
526
00:21:02,272 --> 00:21:05,266
Hey, guess what, everybody,
i'm gay!
527
00:21:05,301 --> 00:21:07,394
Mr. Garrison?
What?
528
00:21:07,429 --> 00:21:10,025
I'm as gay as a gymnast
on shore leave!
529
00:21:10,458 --> 00:21:12,620
You admit it?
You admit it!
530
00:21:12,655 --> 00:21:14,749
Oh, that's great,
mr. Garrison,
531
00:21:14,784 --> 00:21:17,380
You've finally come to
terms with yourself.
532
00:21:17,415 --> 00:21:19,111
Yeah, it feels
really good.
533
00:21:19,146 --> 00:21:20,858
Well,
congratulations.
534
00:21:20,893 --> 00:21:22,537
Yeah,
congratulations.
535
00:21:22,572 --> 00:21:25,566
You know, i feel like
i can start anew.
536
00:21:25,601 --> 00:21:27,764
If it's all right with you,
i will like to go back
537
00:21:27,799 --> 00:21:29,927
To teaching
the third grade!
538
00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:33,388
Oh, i'm sorry, we don't
hire gay people.
539
00:21:38,581 --> 00:21:41,176
Captioning made possible by
comedy central
540
00:21:41,211 --> 00:21:44,206
Captioned by
soundwriters
541
00:00:01,361 --> 00:00:02,857
38370
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