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1
00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:22,880
♪ People in the night
with people up above
2
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:25,920
♪ Oooh, yeah
3
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,040
♪ Luxury comedy, ooh yeah
4
00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:32,560
♪ In the bag. ♪
5
00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:41,560
It's like a glass hedgehog
and he comes out...
6
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:41,960
This came for you.
7
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:43,040
Really? What is it?
8
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,120
Not sure.
9
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,680
Great - new cereal!
10
00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:57,240
Mmm.
11
00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:59,400
♪ Oh baby I like it raw...
12
00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,480
♪ Yeah baby... ♪
13
00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,040
All right, Noel,
did you get my package?
14
00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:05,920
Yeah, just eating them.
Pretty good, actually.
15
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:09,200
Yeah, they're called Secret Pieces
and they're good, ain't they?
16
00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,440
(LAUGHS) Remarkable!
What are they made from?
17
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:12,720
That's my own shit.
18
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:15,120
(COUGHS) Oh, Peter!
19
00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:17,640
I mean, that's my
multi-coloured rabbit droppings.
20
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:22,320
Like, I go into a chamber
and I eat loads of vitamins
21
00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,280
and pieces of rainbow.
22
00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,760
I make rainbow kebabs
and they spin round
23
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:29,320
and I slice bits of rainbow off,
put it in pitta bread
24
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:33,600
and then I munch it down till
I'm big and fat and ready and then
25
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:37,800
I just pump them out from my blue
shorts straight into the packets.
26
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,080
I can do about
seven packets a week.
27
00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:41,400
Actually...
28
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:44,400
..they're very moreish.
29
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:45,920
That'll be the nicotine.
30
00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:49,800
When I first made them they
looked like hundreds and thousands
31
00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:52,880
but more swollen so I called
them tens and twenties...(SNIGGERS)
32
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:56,520
..and I was going
to use them as cake decoration
33
00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,360
so I phoned up Mr Kipperbang,
you know the cake doctor,
34
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,840
and he said, "Go fuck yourself."
35
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,600
But, you know, I think
they go better with milk anyway.
36
00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,480
So are they in the shops, then?
37
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,400
No, but they're outside the shops,
by the bush.
38
00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:10,440
Yeah, all right.
See you later, Peter.
39
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,760
Yeah, nice one.
Don't call me again, yeah?
40
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:28,560
You have three minutes
until take off
41
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,600
and two and a half minutes
to prepare your main course.
42
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:35,960
I will see you in
the holding pattern.
43
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:40,120
Good luck and God bless America!
44
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,320
Clickety-click.
45
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:44,760
ACCORDION MUSIC
46
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,880
Halleluiah!
47
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:09,000
Praise the Lord, the boy can see!
48
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,000
'Chop, chop, chop!'
49
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:17,800
Just look at the size
of that carrot! Ha-ha!
50
00:03:17,800 --> 00:03:20,200
Put a little whisky in that,
will you, Rodriguez?
51
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,760
Oh, boy! I think
I'm one of them lizard people.
52
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:33,920
CROWD ROARS
53
00:03:36,840 --> 00:03:40,520
(WHISTLES TV CRICKET THEME)
54
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,520
Harold Faltermeyer
disguised as an octopus,
55
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:48,240
blowing a whistle reminding you
you're fresh out of goddamn paprika.
56
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:54,520
TV CRICKET THEME CONTINUES
57
00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:59,200
DRUM ROLL
58
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,040
WHISTLING CONTINUES
59
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:11,440
Mmm...Rodriguez, put a shot of
bourbon in that, will you?
60
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,680
DRUM ROLL CONTINUES
61
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:20,200
ACCORDION MUSIC
62
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,080
BUZZER
63
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,880
Gentlemen, you have 15 seconds
to board your vessel.
64
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:45,960
Ello, ello, ello...
65
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,480
GONG SOUNDS
66
00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:49,200
Perfect job, patriots!
67
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,640
HORN BEEPS
68
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,080
Woo...doggy! Ha-ha!
69
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:11,880
ACCORDION PLAYS
70
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,120
I'm the moon!
71
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,000
I'm not in this show.
72
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,560
SCHOOL BELL RINGS
73
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:33,880
No, class. I do not
cycle home like Miss Kite
74
00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:36,440
and I haven't got
a snazzy car like Mr Ebdon
75
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,560
and I will not go on the bus
with you horrible little lot.
76
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:43,920
I ride the pommel horse home
like every PE teacher should.
77
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:49,920
That's a little joke
for the tiny ones.
78
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:52,840
You see, I can be a character
like Mr Clasby,
79
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:55,160
I just need a chance to shine!
80
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,280
♪ Oh baby I like it raw
81
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:01,800
♪ Oh baby I like it... ♪
82
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,360
All right, Peter.
83
00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:06,320
Eh, Noel, who's the best
film star who ever lived?
84
00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:07,760
Kurt Russell. Yeah.
85
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:09,320
What's the best film that's
ever been made?
86
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,800
Big Trouble In Little China.
87
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,640
I told you, Nathan, you idiot!
88
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,240
I gotta go, Noel, I'm in the pub.
89
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,160
Yeah, great.
90
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,640
I'm Sergeant Raymond Boombox.
91
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,040
As you may or may not know,
92
00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,440
in 1975 I received a knife wound
in the line of duty.
93
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:29,440
A knife wound that
started talking to me
94
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,960
and occasionally
helped me solve cases.
95
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:33,920
Helped you on some of your cases(!)
96
00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:36,520
I solved most of them
you fat son of a bitch!
97
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,480
Shut up, you freak.
98
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:41,120
I'm trying to put you in
some kind of goddamn context.
99
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,720
Anyway, one of the most
exciting cases we worked on
100
00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:45,880
was when we were in Miami undercover.
101
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,040
Hooper,
what was the name of that case?
102
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,720
What, the one where you
wore the pink salmon shorts?
103
00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,960
You looked ridiculous, you're big,
fat pumpkin ass sticking out.
104
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,840
You picked those out for me,
what were you wearing anyway,
105
00:06:54,840 --> 00:06:55,400
your wife's skirt?
106
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:57,920
It was a sarong, actually,
and it was your wife's.
107
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,960
You do not have access
to my wife's sarong collection -
108
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,200
you mind your mouth!
109
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,480
Of course he did,
he was banging her.
110
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:06,840
Everyone knows that.
111
00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:07,960
He was not banging her,
112
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:11,600
they just happened to be at the
same night school doing the same
dance classes.
113
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,760
Yeah, we were doing modern tap
and er...urban hip-hop.
114
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,760
Precisely, thank you, Hooper.
115
00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,040
You be quiet.
116
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,480
Anyway, we were down in Miami and
I looked like one piece of hot ass.
117
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:27,120
'We'd offloaded some drugs
to a known local dealer
called Figo the fruit fly.
118
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,760
'Named so cos everything
he landed on turned rotten.
119
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,040
'All we had to do was get
a payment off this guy
120
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,240
'and we could bust his thorax.'
121
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:37,120
Working with these scumbags
was absolutely terrifying.
122
00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,120
If they even sniffed you out
as a cop,
123
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:40,640
not only would they kill you
124
00:07:40,640 --> 00:07:42,920
but they could make things
very awkward for you.
125
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,160
It didn't bother me,
I was a frightening mimic,
126
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,440
an unbelievable actor,
127
00:07:46,440 --> 00:07:50,200
like a slightly hairier Kirk Douglas
without the deformed chin.
128
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,360
I could slot in with these guys
as soon as look at them...
129
00:07:53,360 --> 00:07:54,800
speak the lingo...
130
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:56,200
I was one of them.
131
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,480
Yo...I gave you the money,
what's say you give me the drugs,
132
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,200
we'll go out, get a couple of chicks
and a couple of beers.
133
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,600
DOOOOOYOUTAKECAAAARDS?
134
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:10,760
What?!
135
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,800
DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?
136
00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:17,040
Er, that's not better,
try it slower or faster.
137
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:19,680
DOOO YOU TAKE CAAARDS?
138
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:23,320
Jesus Christ, that's not helping
anything, put your eyes away.
139
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,520
What are you saying to me?!
140
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:26,640
DOOOOOOOOOOOO
141
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:28,200
YOUUUUUUUUUUU
142
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:29,960
TAAAAAAAAAAKE
143
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,920
CAAAAAAAAARDS?
144
00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,960
He's saying, "Do you take a card?"
145
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:36,200
Do I take cards?
146
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,880
Of course I don't take cards!
147
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:39,640
What do I look like, a cash machine?
148
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,480
I do.
149
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,000
Sir, put your card in my mouth
150
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:46,240
and I'll be happy to
handle your transaction.
151
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,480
What the hell are you doing?
152
00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,720
Shut up!
153
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,000
Would you like a receipt
with that, sir?
154
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:57,440
YEEEES, PLEEEEASE.
155
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,360
So the goddamn gash ate Figo's card.
156
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,920
Needless to say, he was not a happy
bunny. He produced a Norman sword
157
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:05,440
and slashed me across the belly pouch
158
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,280
with the speed and agility
of a NASA cyborg.
159
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,280
Oh! Oh, my God!
160
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,080
What's wrong with you?
What are you, a re-enactment?!
161
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,920
Because of the gash,
the whole drug bust went tits-up.
162
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:19,920
And things went from bad to worse.
163
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:22,880
Oh...oh...oh.
164
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,240
Oh, my God!
165
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:26,760
Somebody call an ambulance,
this guy's in trouble.
166
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,520
Oh, really?
167
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:29,680
What do you know, are you a doctor?
168
00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,840
No, I am not a doctor,
thank you very much,
169
00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,200
but my brother-in-law
happens to be one
170
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,720
so I've been around
a lot of accidents, OK?
171
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,440
Oh, as if you're married,
172
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,320
you just appeared there
on a fat guy's gut!
173
00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,920
Could you not insult me
while insulting someone else?
174
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:47,160
If you hadn't eaten the card
we wouldn't be in this mess.
175
00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:50,240
It was so good,
it was Lloyds flavour.
176
00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:54,200
Oh, my God, it was so not
Lloyds flavour, it was Bar-clays.
177
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:57,880
It's Barclays, not Bar-clays,
you goddamn schmuck!
178
00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,360
Oh...Bar-clays, Barclays...bite me.
179
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:00,920
Oh, for God's sake.
180
00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,400
Somebody call me an ambulance.
181
00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:04,840
Use your phone!
182
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:07,400
I can't, I got no battery.
183
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,840
Well, use your phone then.
184
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:10,880
I can't help you, I got no signal.
185
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:14,080
Fine, I'll call
my own goddamn ambulance.
186
00:10:16,160 --> 00:10:19,080
SIREN WAILS
187
00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:20,680
I can hear the ambulance,
188
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,040
we're gonna be fine.
189
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,360
(WAILS)
190
00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:25,560
Oh, great, very funny.
191
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:27,120
Sorry, sarge,
192
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:31,400
I got a gift for mimicking
different types of emergency siren.
193
00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:32,960
Well, good luck on New Faces.
194
00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:35,560
I'm bleeding to death here,
if you haven't noticed!
195
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:38,920
OK, does anyone want to hear
my impersonation of Michael Caine?
196
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:43,440
No, we do not want to hear your
impersonation of Michael Caine!
Shut up!
197
00:10:44,760 --> 00:10:47,560
"You're a big man,
but you're out of shape."
198
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:49,720
And so Figo got away with the drugs.
199
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,960
I had to crawl on my goddamn
hands and knees to the hospital
200
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,320
but they fixed me up good
201
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:57,040
and we decided to stay on in Miami
for a week's holiday.
202
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,720
Me and the gash
got loaded on cocktails,
203
00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:03,320
and poor Hooper was mistaken in
his sarong for a lady of the night.
204
00:11:03,320 --> 00:11:07,160
Oh, how we laughed when he was almost
gang banged by 15 sailors.
205
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:10,440
I laughed so hard
I burst open my tummy stitches
206
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,200
and my tummy gash
regaled the whole party
207
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,960
with his impersonations of
Michael Caine and Harry Dean Stanton.
208
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,040
Ha-ha-ha!
209
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,800
A fabulous holiday
and one I'll always remember.
210
00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:24,080
Join me next week, and remember
always keep a knife under your bed,
211
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,960
cos most people are murdered
by the person they love most.
212
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,560
And I look at a lot of corpses
and most of those corpses
213
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:32,640
have been violated and raped
before being murdered, so...
214
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,120
at least a screw driver,
I mean, it's your choice.
215
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,760
Bwye-bwye, everyone.
216
00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,160
Good night.
217
00:11:48,095 --> 00:11:51,815
All bleeding coming together, innit?
Ha! All bleeding coming together.
218
00:11:51,815 --> 00:11:55,575
Ah, it's all bleeding coming
together. What a place!
219
00:11:55,575 --> 00:11:58,455
You couldn't get bored, could you?
Could you get bored?
220
00:11:58,455 --> 00:12:03,135
You could go round this. Ha-ha!
You could go round a pointed rock.
221
00:12:03,135 --> 00:12:06,375
Look at this, I've got a tyre
on a rope. Ha-ha!
222
00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:08,295
Tyre on a bleeding rope!
223
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:09,735
Who came up with that?
224
00:12:09,735 --> 00:12:11,375
Who could come up with that?
225
00:12:11,375 --> 00:12:14,935
Higher, lower, higher, lower.
I'm in a zoo.
226
00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:17,575
All coming together.
Great food. Top-flight food,
227
00:12:17,575 --> 00:12:20,135
gotta be a gourmet chef, hasn't it?
228
00:12:20,135 --> 00:12:23,295
Gotta be a gourmet chef!
Who do you reckon? Ramsay?
229
00:12:23,295 --> 00:12:26,375
Or Worrall Thompson
Gotta be, innit?
230
00:12:26,375 --> 00:12:29,855
Hmm! Hmm! Nice food. Not that
hungry, might have that later.
231
00:12:31,655 --> 00:12:34,855
David Lee Roth, king of the lions,
you all right, David?
232
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:37,215
We'll have that later.
Yeah. There he is.
233
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:40,575
Had a little operation when I got
here, they took my penis away,
234
00:12:40,575 --> 00:12:44,215
removed my penis. Probably having
a look at it, aren't they? Ha-ha.
235
00:12:44,215 --> 00:12:46,095
Probably having a look at my penis.
236
00:12:46,095 --> 00:12:48,015
Got to get it back, haven't I?
237
00:12:48,015 --> 00:12:51,135
They're bound to give it back to me.
Probably Thursday,
238
00:12:51,135 --> 00:12:54,655
they're probably doing a diagram or
something of it for a zoology book.
239
00:12:54,655 --> 00:12:56,655
John! Any news on my penis?
240
00:13:03,095 --> 00:13:04,575
What a card!
241
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:08,655
He always does that. Ha-ha! I love
it, English sense of humour.
242
00:13:08,655 --> 00:13:11,935
I mean, I've read about it
and I've heard about it
243
00:13:11,935 --> 00:13:15,935
but I've never actually seen it
with my own lion peepers. Ha-ha!
244
00:13:15,935 --> 00:13:17,495
Peepers!
245
00:13:17,495 --> 00:13:20,535
I called my eyes "peepers". Ha-ha.
246
00:13:20,535 --> 00:13:24,095
That's cos I'm happy,
I'm happy with my environment(!)
247
00:13:24,095 --> 00:13:27,375
I love it here! All bleeding
coming together, I'm in a zoo.
248
00:13:27,375 --> 00:13:30,135
All bleeding coming together.
249
00:13:30,135 --> 00:13:35,655
All bleeding coming together,
higher, lower, higher, lower. Ha-ha!
250
00:13:35,655 --> 00:13:38,895
LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!
251
00:13:38,895 --> 00:13:42,215
It is all bleeding coming together?
Please say it's coming together.
252
00:13:42,215 --> 00:13:45,175
I can't handle it in here,
I'm going crazy.
253
00:13:45,175 --> 00:13:48,015
Help me, don't just film me, help me!
254
00:13:48,015 --> 00:13:51,215
Sit down, sit down,
we'll have some Hula Hoops, David.
255
00:13:51,215 --> 00:13:54,815
You're not chewing them properly,
David, what's wrong with you?
256
00:13:54,815 --> 00:13:56,775
They're just going on the floor!
257
00:13:57,855 --> 00:14:00,655
I love you, David,
you're king of the lions.
258
00:14:00,655 --> 00:14:03,735
I'm moving stuff about in here, John.
259
00:14:04,735 --> 00:14:07,095
I'm having a brain snap.
260
00:14:08,375 --> 00:14:11,455
Oooh, I'm treading on my lunch.
261
00:14:11,455 --> 00:14:13,055
It's gone everywhere.
262
00:14:16,455 --> 00:14:19,415
I asked for Quavers!
263
00:14:22,455 --> 00:14:23,655
In you go.
264
00:14:25,935 --> 00:14:27,495
You putting that in a frame?
265
00:14:27,495 --> 00:14:28,735
Yeah, course I'm putting
266
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,655
it in a frame, it's a masterpiece.
What would you do with it?
267
00:14:31,655 --> 00:14:35,575
I'd probably just blue tack it to
the fridge door. What is it, anyway?
268
00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,855
What do you mean, what is it?
It's Pele,
269
00:14:37,855 --> 00:14:39,815
but he's holding a china teacup.
270
00:14:39,815 --> 00:14:42,935
Oh, yeah, actually,
it has got something.
271
00:14:42,935 --> 00:14:45,935
You see? It's enigmatic,
like the Mona Lisa, you know,
272
00:14:45,935 --> 00:14:49,375
it's the eternal question.
Is she a woman? Is she a man?
273
00:14:49,375 --> 00:14:54,215
Is she smiling, isn't she smiling?
This throws up similar sorts of
questions.
274
00:14:54,215 --> 00:14:55,655
What questions?
275
00:14:55,655 --> 00:14:59,575
Well, it's Pele. He's holding
a china cup, that much is clear.
276
00:14:59,575 --> 00:15:01,135
But when you come down his leg,
277
00:15:01,135 --> 00:15:04,855
to the little tippy-toe of his boot,
and you see this, what is that?
278
00:15:04,855 --> 00:15:06,175
The ball?
279
00:15:06,175 --> 00:15:08,575
But is it the ball,
280
00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:12,575
or is it the saucer for the cup?
281
00:15:14,015 --> 00:15:15,855
Oh, yeah! This changes everything!
282
00:15:15,855 --> 00:15:18,095
I've got to phone Trisha!
283
00:15:23,175 --> 00:15:27,375
In the event of losing a loved one
some people would turn to therapy
284
00:15:27,375 --> 00:15:32,655
to help them through hard times.
Other people might turn to religion.
285
00:15:32,655 --> 00:15:36,655
Weaker people like myself,
when I lost my wife,
286
00:15:36,655 --> 00:15:41,015
turned to swingball. You see,
we used to play tennis together
287
00:15:41,015 --> 00:15:46,455
and I tried to recreate those
hours by wearing my wife's dress
288
00:15:46,455 --> 00:15:49,535
and playing myself in the garden.
289
00:15:49,535 --> 00:15:51,215
It wasn't really the same.
290
00:15:51,215 --> 00:15:54,735
DRUM BEAT
291
00:16:55,095 --> 00:16:58,655
Here comes Roy Circles,
he's got chocolate ankles.
292
00:17:00,735 --> 00:17:06,495
Oh, last Thursday, I woke up on my
own and there was blood in my pants.
293
00:17:09,215 --> 00:17:13,335
I mean, I look at it and I think,
I don't really like your drawings,
294
00:17:13,335 --> 00:17:15,215
but this one has something,
295
00:17:15,215 --> 00:17:18,855
and I wonder why keep coming back to
it, why I'm so drawn to it?
296
00:17:18,855 --> 00:17:24,015
It's Pele, holding a china cup.
I like it, it's clear, it's direct.
297
00:17:24,015 --> 00:17:28,215
But then my eye travels down
past his midriff to his boots,
298
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:31,495
I notice the ball
and it hits me like a thunderbolt!
299
00:17:31,495 --> 00:17:33,975
Is it a ball
or is it the saucer for the cup?
300
00:17:35,575 --> 00:17:37,855
Ha-ha, exactly!
301
00:17:37,855 --> 00:17:40,575
I didn't know you were so deep
and complicated, Noel.
302
00:17:40,575 --> 00:17:45,215
I'm usually not,
but when I do felt-tip drawings,
I get pretty deep, yeah?
303
00:17:45,215 --> 00:17:48,495
How much do you think a drawing like
this is worth on today's market?
304
00:17:48,495 --> 00:17:50,855
I'm getting it valued later
by Daran Cache.
305
00:17:50,855 --> 00:17:52,735
Who's Daran Cache?
306
00:17:52,735 --> 00:17:56,215
He invented the colouring pencil?
He's on his way as we speak.
307
00:17:56,215 --> 00:17:57,615
I'm coming!
308
00:17:58,855 --> 00:18:00,015
You are an idiot!
309
00:18:00,015 --> 00:18:01,215
What do you mean?
310
00:18:01,215 --> 00:18:02,655
You live with one of the most
311
00:18:02,655 --> 00:18:05,855
famous artists of the 20th Century,
an icon - Andy Warhol.
312
00:18:05,855 --> 00:18:07,935
Not him, he's an idiot,
he's my cleaner.
313
00:18:07,935 --> 00:18:09,735
I suppose I could ask him.
314
00:18:09,735 --> 00:18:10,975
Andy!
315
00:18:12,375 --> 00:18:13,815
Look at this.
316
00:18:13,815 --> 00:18:16,935
Hmm, a colour diagram, how quaint.
317
00:18:16,935 --> 00:18:19,535
Not a colour diagram, is it?!
It's a masterpiece!
318
00:18:19,535 --> 00:18:21,935
Let me take a closer look.
319
00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:23,775
ELECTRONIC BEEPING
320
00:18:25,215 --> 00:18:25,855
What are you doing?
321
00:18:25,855 --> 00:18:26,935
Looking.
322
00:18:28,455 --> 00:18:31,575
I see Pele, a footballer,
holding a china cup
323
00:18:31,575 --> 00:18:33,495
which is slightly interesting,
324
00:18:33,495 --> 00:18:36,175
but does not tell me anything
I do not know already.
325
00:18:36,175 --> 00:18:37,215
What do you mean?
326
00:18:37,215 --> 00:18:39,815
You have drawn a footballer
kicking a football.
327
00:18:39,815 --> 00:18:41,575
This is a standard observation.
328
00:18:41,575 --> 00:18:43,655
Yeah, but is it a football?
329
00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:44,575
What so you mean?
330
00:18:44,575 --> 00:18:48,175
Or is it the saucer for the cup?
331
00:18:48,175 --> 00:18:50,615
ELECTRONIC SQUEAKS
332
00:18:53,135 --> 00:18:56,775
Oh, my God,
you've blown Andy's mind!
333
00:18:59,135 --> 00:19:01,855
So, Andy, what
do you think it's worth?
334
00:19:01,855 --> 00:19:06,855
Saucer, cup, saucer, cup,
saucer, cup.
335
00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:10,735
♪ Pele, Pele
Score a goal, Pele. ♪
336
00:19:10,735 --> 00:19:15,455
Saucer, cup, saucer, cup, saucer...
337
00:19:24,655 --> 00:19:26,855
DANCE MUSIC
338
00:19:32,495 --> 00:19:35,175
RHYTHMIC FOLK MUSIC
339
00:19:39,215 --> 00:19:43,015
'Sherlock Holmes. Chapter one.
Moriarty's Revenge.
340
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:46,175
'The smell of beer wafted through
the narrow cobbled streets,
341
00:19:46,175 --> 00:19:49,855
'the fog thick and clinging
to the passing stage coaches.
342
00:19:49,855 --> 00:19:52,495
'Dr Watson checked
his new pocket watch
343
00:19:52,495 --> 00:19:54,815
'and shuffled through
a concrete archway.'
344
00:19:57,135 --> 00:19:58,735
Hmmm!
345
00:20:01,735 --> 00:20:03,855
Well, Noel, to be honest, it is
346
00:20:03,855 --> 00:20:08,095
impossible to put a figure on a
drawing like that, it is priceless.
347
00:20:08,095 --> 00:20:09,615
Ashtray!
348
00:20:11,215 --> 00:20:14,375
Wow, so you think you might be
inserted in buying it, then?
349
00:20:14,375 --> 00:20:18,495
No, but if you want any free
colouring pencils, give me a call.
350
00:20:18,495 --> 00:20:20,855
It's a bit racy, isn't it?
351
00:20:20,855 --> 00:20:25,135
Yes. It is my aim to make
colouring pencils sexy again.
352
00:20:25,135 --> 00:20:26,375
Again?
353
00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:28,095
Hmm-mm.
354
00:20:40,175 --> 00:20:42,375
Ha-ha! Amazing!
355
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,655
You've got a tank
made from Swiss cheese!
356
00:20:44,655 --> 00:20:46,815
This tank is not
made out of Swiss cheese.
357
00:20:46,815 --> 00:20:48,695
It's made out of ordinary cheese.
358
00:20:48,695 --> 00:20:50,015
What are those holes, then?
359
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:52,855
Those, my friend,
are the injuries of war.
360
00:20:52,855 --> 00:20:58,215
I don't expect a civilian punk
like you to know the difference.
361
00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,575
Right then, up ahead,
362
00:20:59,575 --> 00:21:03,495
a pencil drawing of Pele,
done in the naive primitive style.
363
00:21:03,495 --> 00:21:08,215
He's holding a china tea cup,
an obvious slant towards surrealism,
364
00:21:08,215 --> 00:21:11,135
but, as we all know,
you should never take crockery
365
00:21:11,135 --> 00:21:12,575
onto the playing field.
366
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,855
When little Steven Kahle,
the Kenyan boy,
367
00:21:14,855 --> 00:21:18,175
tried to do cross-country
with a teapot in his shorts,
368
00:21:18,175 --> 00:21:21,855
Darren Cooper tripped him up
and his winkle came loose.
369
00:21:21,855 --> 00:21:26,015
A nightmare, I had to carry that
to hospital in a matchbox.
370
00:21:26,015 --> 00:21:28,295
I'll never get over those images.
371
00:21:29,735 --> 00:21:32,455
All in all, though,
not a bad little drawing.
372
00:21:32,455 --> 00:21:37,295
Wait a second, if I'm not mistaken,
the body has been done in freehand
373
00:21:37,295 --> 00:21:38,855
but the head has been traced.
374
00:21:38,855 --> 00:21:42,215
The head has not been traced,
thank you very much.
375
00:21:42,215 --> 00:21:45,495
Tracing? Tracing?
376
00:21:45,495 --> 00:21:49,455
As we all know, Mrs Kite,
the head of the art department,
377
00:21:49,455 --> 00:21:52,135
does not see tracing
as real drawing.
378
00:21:52,135 --> 00:21:55,095
Therefore this Caran D'Ache
abomination must be taken
379
00:21:55,095 --> 00:21:57,495
as the enemy.
380
00:21:57,495 --> 00:21:59,855
Right, then, one, two, there, four,
381
00:21:59,855 --> 00:22:03,135
these are numbers, ignore those,
382
00:22:03,135 --> 00:22:04,295
and fire!
383
00:22:04,295 --> 00:22:05,735
EXPLOSION
384
00:22:05,735 --> 00:22:07,375
Ah! Pele!
385
00:22:07,375 --> 00:22:11,215
Violence, just like on
the battlefield when I was young.
386
00:22:11,215 --> 00:22:13,215
Erections everywhere.
387
00:22:13,215 --> 00:22:14,935
Pele!
388
00:22:16,215 --> 00:22:17,815
WHISTLE BLOWS
389
00:22:17,815 --> 00:22:19,855
Pele, come back, please!
390
00:22:19,855 --> 00:22:23,615
Pele, you don't understand, I've had
enough an offer from Daran Cache.
391
00:22:23,615 --> 00:22:26,655
Well, not an offer, but he gave me
his business car, pretty racy.
392
00:22:26,655 --> 00:22:29,935
Pele, please! Pele, don't leave me!
393
00:22:29,935 --> 00:22:31,175
He's good at running, isn't he?
394
00:22:31,175 --> 00:22:34,495
Yeah, he's great at running,
he's gone now, for ever.
395
00:22:34,495 --> 00:22:37,175
That was my masterpiece.
Hang on a minute.
396
00:22:37,175 --> 00:22:39,495
There he is down there in the jungle.
Look!
397
00:22:39,495 --> 00:22:41,175
Ha-ha!
398
00:22:43,095 --> 00:22:46,375
Look at him weaving in and out
of the bracken, he's so balletic,
399
00:22:46,375 --> 00:22:48,495
he hasn't spilt a drop of that tea.
400
00:22:48,495 --> 00:22:51,015
Look, he's gone right down
to the corner flag.
401
00:22:51,015 --> 00:22:52,575
Pele, cross it, Pele!
402
00:22:57,455 --> 00:22:59,455
Oh, it was the saucer!
403
00:23:00,575 --> 00:23:02,775
Or was it?
404
00:23:08,855 --> 00:23:12,655
♪ Got to go now
It's the end of the show
405
00:23:12,655 --> 00:23:17,135
♪ Bye-bye, now
It's the end of the show
406
00:23:17,135 --> 00:23:19,495
♪ Come back
next for another show
407
00:23:19,495 --> 00:23:21,815
♪ You gotta come back
For another show bye-bye
408
00:23:21,815 --> 00:23:22,815
♪ Baby, bye-bye
409
00:23:24,295 --> 00:23:25,295
♪ Baby, bye-bye
410
00:23:26,375 --> 00:23:30,335
♪ Baby, bye-bye
Baby, bye-bye, whoa! ♪
31829
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