All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 07x12 - From Here to the Pharmacy.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidant

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift
would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ Thank you
for being a friend ♪

I, Sophia Petrillo,
being of sound mind and body,

do hereby leave my daughter,

Dorothy Zbornak, nothing.

Sophia!

It's a joke.
I'm kidding.

Like when I said
"sound mind and body."

Sophia, wills are
no joking matter.

Charlie tried to
be funny with his

and left everything
to Henrietta, our prized cow.

Well, some lawyer got
a hold of the will

and represented Henrietta
on contingency.

There I was presenting my side
to a jury of her peers.

It took over six months
to get the farm back.

What a terrible story.

I mean it.
It's a terrible story.

But you must have been
relieved when you won.

Oh, yeah. We celebrated
with a big, thick steak.

Hi, guys.

Oh, Dorothy, I'm glad you're here.
Sit down.

Oh? What is it, Ma?

As you know, my child,
I'm getting on in years

and I've decided it's time
for me to settle my estate.

What estate?
Your loofah sponge and bus pass?

Don't forget
the four gold teeth

when your father worked
at the funeral parlor.

"Perks," he called them.

That's the stock you come from.

I come from grave robbers?

Grave robber, entrepreneur.

Potato, potahto.
We had a family to feed.

I hated that cow.

I still don't think she should
have been awarded the car.

Not that she got to use it.

Butt out. I'm having an
important moment with my heir.

Dorothy, Rose is helping me
make out an ironclad will.

Wait, you're using
Rose as a lawyer?

I know what I'm doing.

Every Thursday, I watch La Law.

That's L.A. Law.

I wondered why Susan Dey
didn't have a French accent.

Girls, what am I gonna do?

I got a call from a soldier who just
returned from the Persian Gulf.

Don't fall for it, Blanche.

Sal didn't come home
from World War II till 1951.

Where was he stationed?
In the attic.

Ma, you told me
he was in the arctic.

The attic, the arctic.
Tomato, tomahto.

He had a family to feed.

Well, anyway, this soldier
really did go to the war,

and he's gonna be
here any minute,

and I don't know what to do
'cause I can't remember him.

All he said on the phone
was that he had

a great time with me
the night before he left.

Oh, then it's
got to be...anybody.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Ah, there's your
unknown soldier now.

Oh, Dorothy, would you
please get the door?

And find out his name.

Blanche, what are you
so worried about?

The minute you see him,
you'll remember.

Rose, he's gonna be standin'
up with his clothes on.

He could be...
Anybody.

Please, Dorothy?

Oh, all right.

Can I come?
Sure, Ma.

Oh, boy. We're going
to the living room.

We don't have much of a
life, do we, Dorothy?

Dorothy? Dorothy?

Now remember, be nice to him.

He hasn't had sex
in over a year.

(LAUGHING)

Look who I'm talkin' to.

Hello, is Blanche here?

Yes, she is.
Uh, whom shall I say is calling?

This is kind of embarrassing.

Would you mind telling her
Loverboy is here?

Nothing would give me
greater pleasure.

Uh, Blanche, Loverboy is here.

Blanche!

Loverboy!

Not a clue.

I just got off the plane.
I haven't even been home yet.

I just couldn't wait to
see you, Blanche. Oh.

Oh, Loverboy.
That's-- That's so sweet, Loverboy.

All those months away
I kept saying,

"There's a great lady waiting
for you back home, Ken."

Ken! That's it.
Of course, Ken.

Then Ken would
turn to me and say,

"There's a great lady
waiting for you, too, Bill."

"Bill"?

Bill, he was talking to you, right?
Yes.

Yes, of course.
Darlings, this is Bill.

Well, I guess Bill and I
should be going.

I thought we should go
back to that same place

where we fell in love, Blanche.

Yes, that's great.
That'd be wonderful.

Yes. We'll go
right back to...there.

We'll just do exactly the same
things we did that night.

Oh, what a wonderful night
that was.

Bye, girls.

Not a clue.

Isn't this something, Blanche?

Do you believe they gave us
the same table?

Well, why would
they seat us separately?

I mean,
the same table as last time.

Oh, of course.
Silly me.

Oh, and look,
even the same chairs.

(LAUGHS)

Blanche, I have
a confession to make.

It's not easy.

But something happened over there and
I think you should know about it.

Well, I did keep pretty well up
with what went on over there.

I saw Schwarzkopf
on the Bob Hope special.

What I'm talking about
is personal, Blanche.

I know we said we wouldn't
even look at anybody else.

But the first night the sirens
went off, I got scared.

And there was this nurse
that I talked to.

Oh, how could you,
Ben, Bob, uh, Bill?

I swear,
it didn't mean a thing.

Was she beautiful?

Not as beautiful as you.

Well, I--I, too,
have a confession to make.

I got scared, too.

Three, four times a week.

Depending upon how often
the phone rang.

You were scared they were calling
about me, weren't you, Blanche?

Yeah. Yeah, that's it.
That's a good one.

Well, if it weren't
for your picture,

I don't think
I'd have made it through.

My picture?

You know, it sounds corny,

but I put your picture
in my locker,

and I would look
at it every day.

You don't know
how important it is to know

that you've got
somebody back home,

especially when you're
thousands of miles away

in the middle of a war.

You promised me
when I came back,

I would be
your one and only guy.

(SLOW JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Dance?

Sure.

Welcome home, soldier.

Rose, it's late.
What are you doing up?

I'm just cleaning up some
things on your mother's will.

Oh, you mean
the legal language?

No. I spilled some sauce.

Ma, what are you doing up?

Disappointed, huh?

If I'm up that means I'm alive,

and if I'm alive, it means you
can't get your hands on my money.

What are you talking about?

You know about the will.

You know if I die
you'll be on easy street.

What did you do, Dorothy, slip
cyanide into my mouthwash?

Ha, ha! The joke's on you,
I don't use it.

Oh, Ma, come on.
You're just being silly.

Here, have some tea.

It'll relax you.

Nice try, Dorothy.
Rose, you taste it.

Rose, don't!

That tea was for my mommy.

You try to do right
by your kids

and you end up as the lead
story on Hard Copy.

Do you have any idea
what she's talking about,

or do we have to
up her medication?

I do know what she's talking
about, but I can't tell you.

I couldn't violate
the attorney-client privilege.

Especially when we're talking
about a sum as large as $35,000.

"$35,000"?

And four gold teeth.

Oops.

Nice going, counselor.

Exactly how close to the
television are you sitting

when you're watching La Law?

All right, Ma, enough.

Now, where did you get $35,000?

Did you ever hear of hard work?

Well, your brother and sister
had to work very hard

to send me that money.

Are you telling me that all these
years you were hoarding money

while I had to make
big, huge sacrifices?

I'm not telling you,
you're guessing.

But to be perfectly honest,
you're getting warmer.

Oh, what a wonderful night.

Now that Bill's getting
out of the service,

we can build a life together.

Maybe with a VA loan we can get a
nice little house in the country

with a dog, a cat,
a station wagon.

Blanche, you're talking
like it's 1945.

These aren't
the best years of your life,

these are the last
years of your life.

Dorothy, tonight, when I was
dancing in his arms, it hit me.

One minute I was worried
about my hair,

the next I was in love.

Bill is the most romantic man
I've ever known.

She always says that
when they give her a hat.

Good morning, Dorothy.
Don't start, Rose, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry. That good morning
crack was way out of line.

Oh, no, it's me.

I was up all night thinking
of how Ma's been hoarding

all those checks
from Phil and Gloria,

while I've had to go without.

Well, now, Dorothy, you really can't
blame Sophia for your sex life.

That's not what
I'm talking about,

but since you brought it up,
yes, I can.

If I'd had the money, I could have
been living in a swinging condo,

instead of with...

I better not say anything
till I've had my coffee.

A slut and a moron.

I'm sorry, it must be decaf.

Good morning, pussycat.

Huh? What's so "pussycat"
about it?

Do you have any idea
of how furious I am with you?

All these years
I have given up things

so that you could
have a decent life.

"No, Ma, I don't need new shoes,
I want you to play bingo.

"No, Ma, I don't need that
vacation, you need new wallpaper.

"My car will last
another year..."

All right, Dorothy.
I see behind that mask.

You're angry.

You're damn right, I'm angry.

You've been hoarding money
for the last 10 years

and taking advantage of me.

Of course I'm angry.

No, it's something else.

I think you didn't get enough
hugs when you were a kid.

It's payback time.
Come here, pussycat.

Why don't you
hug your money, Ma?

From now on,
I'm not paying for anything.

You are on your own.

You can't do this to me.
You never touch the principal.

That money's for my old age.

"Old age"?

You don't leave
fingerprints anymore.

I'm in my twilight years.

You're in the Twilight Zone.

Hopi Indians are walking around
saying, "How does she do it?"

Ma, you're cut off.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I had to see you this morning.

I just couldn't go to the drugstore
without giving you this.

Oh, why, thank you.

Why--Why are you going
to the drugstore?

I'm your pharmacist.

You're Bill.
Bill, the pharmacist.

Bill, the man in your life.

I'll pick you up after work.

Goodbye, my love.

(HYPERVENTILATING)

Girls!

Blanche, what's wrong?

My handsome soldier from
last night is a pharmacist,

a name-tag wearing, pill-counting,
"Thank you, come again.

"Sorry, we don't validate,"
pharmacist.

Well, if he doesn't validate,
get rid of him.

Yeah, dump him like
you do all the rest.

Well, ordinarily, I would,
but how--how can I do that?

He's-- He's been dreaming
of me for over a year.

And I care about him.

I mean, I care about him
when he's a soldier.

Oh, I said things to him last night,
I've never said to anybody.

Clean things.

Oh, no, I can't dump this man.

Not after
what I've meant to him.

Not after what he's done
for his country.

Girls, how do you think
this sounds?

"Dear Bill, I always promised
my father, Big Daddy,

"that I would never get
serious about anybody

"he didn't approve of.
Since he is dead, I feel..."

Oh, for God's sake, Blanche.

Well, I guess I could always tell
him that he's too good for me.

Sometimes the truth is best.

Here you go.
Half butter pecan, half rocky road.

Just like you like it, ma'am.

Thank you, Sophia.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, here, darling,
that's for you.

Wow, a whole dollar.

Now I can buy those knee-highs
I've been saving up for.

Let me know if you have
any more work, Blanche.

Well, I may want you
to take this letter

down to the pharmacy
and give it to Bill.

Oh, Blanche, you're not
gonna send that letter.

I mean, that's so cold.

Don't you think you owe him
a face-to-face explanation?

Good job, Dorothy.

Cut off what little
income I've got.

Blanche, instead of sending the
letter, why don't you talk to him?

I mean, get to know him.
Find out where this goes.

You know,
ever since we've known you,

you have never once worked on
having a meaningful relationship.

I have had many
meaningful relationships.

Many, many, many
meaningful relationships.

Sharing a worm from a tequila
bottle is not meaningful.

No, you find one little flaw
in somebody, and you run away.

"A little flaw"?
He has skinny arms.

How'd you like
to be made love to

by somebody who has
arms like your mother?

My father made love to her
because of her inner beauty.

He never saw me naked.

I don't know, Dorothy,
maybe you're right.

I should try to make
this relationship work.

(SIGHS) Okay, I'm gonna
go get prettied up

and then I'm going
down to the drugstore

and--and get to know
more about this man.

You know, Bill's likes, Bill's
dislikes, Bill's last name.

I used to put the Haley's M-O
on the bottom, nothing.

Then I put it eye level.

The public went nuts.

It was walking
out of the store.

People will bend for aspirins.

They won't bend for laxatives.

Isn't that fascinating, Bill.

So, Bill, what's on sale?

Breast pumps.
What else?

Afro Sheen.
Moving on.

Preparation H.
Hot damn.

(CHUCKLING) Isn't she awful?

So, Bill, what other exciting
things can you tell me

about the drugstore business?

Blanche, we gotta talk.

You know the laxative thing?

Mmm-hmm. That's about
as exciting as it gets.

This place, my job,
it's pretty routine.

Oh, what are you talking about?
You're a hero.

Over there.

Over here,
I'm just an ordinary guy.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Excuse me. Here.

You give your son
this every four hours,

and if his fever
doesn't go down,

you take him to see
el doctor Seigal

at 11th and Lincoln.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Hey, who says
you're not a hero?

Welcome home.

It is home, isn't it?

Last night
I wasn't quite here yet.

This morning was real.

When I handed you that rose,

I realized I was standing
at a stranger's door.

Because the truth is,
I'm not a soldier.

I'm a pharmacist in his 50s,

and you're a woman in her...

Watch it, Bill.

You're a woman
in the prime of her life,

who I would like to
get to know better.

Slowly.

And we can both
see other people?

Sure.

Aw!

Oh, sir?
Mmm?

I caught this old lady
assaulting a man

over the last tube
of Preparation H.

The tube broke
and it's all over aisle 7.

I detained her for scooping up
the rest of the ointment

and putting it in her purse.

Sophia!

Oh, big deal.

The other guy got away scot-free,
and he wriggled in it.

Uh, Ma, I bought you
a little something.

You what?

I bought you a new handbag

to replace the one that you
ruined at the drugstore.

Oh, thank God.

The other one shrank down
to the size of a change purse.

Wait a minute.

What's the catch?

Ma, there's no catch.

I just realized
I like taking care of you.

I just wish you could have
told me about the money,

so we could be
honest with each other.

It's not that I want the money.

If I don't leave my children
anything, I'm a nobody.

How many times have I heard,

"He provided well,"
or, "She didn't leave a dime"?

I want you to be able to have
everything you want when I'm gone.

And when you do, you'll think,

"I have this because of Ma."

Oh, Ma.

Life isn't just valued
by the money you leave.

It's-- It's the memories.
The love.

And you filled
my life with that.

You're right, pussycat.

And I should want to see you enjoy some
of that money while I'm still around.

Here's a molar.

Buy yourself something pretty.

That is so sweet.
Ma, I tell you what.

Let me make you a cup of tea.

I, Sophia Petrillo,

when I die, wanna be blown
to a million, billion bits.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

I, Sophia Petrillo,
leave my daughter

to science.

(LAUGHING)