Original subtitles

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE MAYOR'S EX-WIFE WROTE A TELL-ALL BOOK.

SHE'S RIPPING HIM TO SHREDS.

I'M UP TO PAGE 27. I HAVEN'T READ ANYTHING BAD.

TURN THE PAGE.

[ Chuckling ] OHH!

�OH, BOY.

I HOPE NOBODY WRITES A BOOK ABOUT HOW I MAKE LOVE.

THAT MAKES FIVE OF US.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE!

I'M READING HELEN'S BOOK, AND SO FAR, I AM LOVIN' IT!

LET ME GUESS -- YOU'RE UP TO PAGE 27?

YEAH. IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER.

I CAN'T WAIT TO READ ON.

Mayor Winston: THAT WHORE!

-- Captions by VITAC -- www.vitac.com

CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC. AND DREAMWORKS

CAITLIN, THE MAYOR'S LOCKED HIMSELF IN HIS OFFICE.

HE'S REALLY UPSET ABOUT THE BOOK.

DID HE READ CHAPTER 16?

Mayor Winston: THAT TRAMP!

YES.

YOU HAVE TO COVER A LUNCH FOR HIM.

HE'S MEETING WITH SOME INTERNET MILLIONAIRE

ABOUT A DONATION TO THE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM.

WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO SCHMOOZE THOSE BORING RICH PEOPLE?

IT'S TIM CONNELLY.

TIM CONNELLY!

HE WAS VOTED NEW YORK'S MOST-ELIGIBLE BACHELOR.

DON'T RUB IT IN. I'M STILL NOT OVER THAT.

HE'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

RIGHT NOW?! OH, HOW'S MY HAIR?

IT LOOKS FINE.

ANGIE?

YOU CAN USE A FLIP.

THAT IS BETTER.

HI. I'M TIM CONNELLY.

HI. I'M CAITLIN MOORE.

HI. CHARLIE CRAWFORD.

CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT BACHELOR THING.

THANKS.

I HAVE TO FILL IN FOR THE MAYOR.

THE MAYOR'S JUST EYE CANDY. THIS WILL BE BETTER.

LUNCH IT IS.

I LOVE LUNCH.

COME ON.

GIVE ME COFFEE.

DRIP, YOU BASTARD! DRIP!

CARTER, SINCE YOU DECIDED TO QUIT SMOKING,

YOU ARE REALLY � � EDGY.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SOME OF YOUR NICOTINE GUM?

I'D LIKE TO, BUT SOMEONE KEEPS STEALING IT.

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.

NICOTINE GUM IS HIGHLY ADDICTIVE.

I'LL TELL YA,

THAT NEW GUM I TOOK FROM CARTER'S DESK...

[ CHEWING ] FANTASTIC!

AND THE FUN BEGINS.

HOW'S THE MAYOR HOLDING UP?

NOT WELL. I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM.

YOU SHOULD KNOW

WHEN THE MAYOR GETS DEPRESSED,

HE GETS A LITTLE WEIRD.

I CAN HANDLE IT.

YEAH, HE'S NUDE.

DOES HE GET ANY WEIRDER?

IS HE WEARING HIS FOOTBALL HELMET?

NO.

HE GETS A LITTLE WEIRDER.

HOW YOU HOLDING UP? I'M TERRIBLE.

AS IF HER BOOK ISN'T BAD ENOUGH,

THE PRESS IS HAVING A FIELD DAY WITH MY SEX LIFE.

READ THESE.

"UNEMPLOYMENT RISES. MAYOR DOESN'T."

OUCH!

"BOOK SALES REACH CLIMAX UNLIKE WIFE."

THAT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY CLEVER.

"MAYOR BAD AT SEX."

THEY'RE NOT EVEN TRYING.

I'M SORRY, SIR. I KNOW HOW HARD --

HOW DIFFICULT THIS MUST BE.

I NEED TO MAKE A STAND RIGHT HERE.

I'M TALKING FULL MEDIA BOYCOTT.

THAT'S A LITTLE EXTREME.

LET ME TELL YOU HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO HAVE PRINCIPLES.

IT'S VERY IMPORTANT FOR A MAN TO HAVE PRINCIPLES!

YOU'VE GOT THAT BIG PRESS EVENT WITH THE POLICE COMMISSIONER.

YOU DO IT.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

NO, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT ENTERTAINING BIG CROWDS.

NOTHING MAKES ME MORE UNCOMFORTABLE.

CORRECTION.

I HAVE TO ADMIT.

I HAVE NEVER ENJOYED A BUSINESS LUNCH SO MUCH.

I GUESS WE SHOULD THANK THE MAYOR'S EX-WIFE

FOR HUMILIATING HIM INTO SECLUSION.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO ACCOMPLISH SO MUCH AT A YOUNG AGE?

THE MONEY AND SUCCESS ARE NICE.

BUT IT'S MEANINGLESS

IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOMEONE TO SHARE IT WITH.

LOOK AT THOSE DESSERTS!

SO, UM, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN THAT SPECIAL PERSON?

WELL, SOMEONE WHO SHARES MY INTERESTS.

I LIKE FRANK CAPRA MOVIES. OH, ME TOO!

I LIKE ROLLERBLADING THROUGH CENTRAL PARK.

ME TOO.

I LOVE SCIENCE FICTION.

ME...TOO.

ARE YOU A FAN OF "GALACTIC MISSION"?

IT'S MY FAVORITE.

SOME FRIENDS AND I ARE GOING

TO THIS "GALACTIC MISSION" GET-TOGETHER TONIGHT.

WANT TO COME?

I'D LOVE TO.

I'LL PICK YOU UP AROUND 8:00.GREAT.

I'VE GOT TO GO.

OR AS COMMANDER PELDRON WOULD SAY...

TO THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE...

AND... AND...

BACK! BEYOND!

BEYOND!

[ SIGHS ]

Psst!

LOOKING FOR THIS?

THAT'S CARTER'S GUM.

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME JUMP THROUGH HOOPS

SO I CAN GET WHAT I WANT.

NO.

HERE.

JEEZ, STUART, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU TO BE NICE.

IT'S NICOTINE GUM.

I'M ENABLING YOUR ADDICTION,

AND I'LL DERIVE PLEASURE FROM WATCHING YOU SUFFER.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, WHATEVER.

OH, YEAH!

MMM!

�PAUL!

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S BEEN STEALING MY GUM!

GIVE IT BACK TO ME. IT'S MINE.

BEING ADDICTED IS NOT PRETTY.

I'M NOT ADDICTED TO IT!

I LIKE THE FLAVOR... AND THE ELEGANT LIFESTYLE.

SIR, ABOUT THIS POLICE BANQUET,

YOU SURE YOU'RE NOT READY TO COME BACK TO WORK?

Mayor Winston: Absolutely.

This media boycott has given me the chance to focus on myself --

to take long walks, to write in my journal.

But don't worry. I'm keeping all my regular appointments.

GOOD LUCK, TONIGHT.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO RUB THE THIGHS.

I THINK I'LL JUST STICK TO THE SPEECH.

HOW WAS YOUR LUNCH?

OH, INCREDIBLE.

BESIDES BEING RICH AND GORGEOUS,

HE'S SWEET AND DOWN-TO-EARTH.

AND WE'RE GOING OUT ON A DATE TONIGHT.

REALLY? WHAT TIME IS HIS MOM PICKING YOU UP?

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HE'S A LITTLE YOUNG, ISN'T HE?

OH, THIS COMING FROM THE GUY

WHOSE LAST GIRLFRIEND LEFT HIM TO DO A SEMESTER AT SEA.

WHEN THAT BOAT GETS BACK, SHE'LL BE A SENIOR.

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]

WHO IS IT?

Tim: IT'S TIM.

I HOPE I'M NOT WEARING TOO MUCH MAKEUP. MMM.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE. IT TOOK FOREVER TO GET A CAB.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA GET THROUGH THIS.

YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT. JUST KEEP IT SHORT.

IN HIS 35 YEARS OF SERVICE,

COMMISSIONER O'BRIEN HAS PERFORMED

COUNTLESS ACTS OF HEROISM

AND HAS BEEN SHOT SEVEN TIMES.

HERE TO EXPRESS THE CITY'S GRATITUDE

IS DEPUTY MAYOR CHARLIE CRAWFORD.

APPRECIATE IT.

WELL, THAT WAS EASIER THAN I THOUGHT.

YOU GOTTA DO MORE THAN THAT.

GIVE HIM A COUPLE OF COMPLIMENTS.

IT'S AN HONOR FOR ME TO BE HERE.

NOT JUST TO PAY TRIBUTE TO COMMISSIONER O'BRIEN,

BUT TO THE BEST DAMN POLICE OFFICERS IN THIS COUNTRY.

DID I SAY COUNTRY?

I MEANT IN THE � � � WORLD.

BELIEVE ME, I'VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME AROUND POLICE OFFICERS.

DOES THIS LOOK FAMILIAR?

LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS GREAT CITY.

[ Thinking ] MEDIA BOYCOTT, DAY ONE.

9:35...

STILL NOT MISSING SPOTLIGHT.

THINK I'LL READ SOME...JAMES JOYCE.

NO ONE'S THE WISER.

Man: TONIGHT POLICE COMMISSIONER O'BRIE N

WAS HONORED BY THE CITY.

THE MAYOR WAS NOT AVAILABLE TO PRESENT THE AWARD.

NO, HE WAS NOT.

Man: HIS ABSENCE WENT LARGELY UNNOTICED

AS CHARLIE CRAWFORD STOLE THE SHOW.

[ Thinking ] 9:37...

MISSING SPOTLIGHT.

HEY, CHARLIE.

DID YOU SEE THE PAPER? YOU'RE ON THE FRONT PAGE.

LOOK AT THAT. I AM.

FILLING IN FOR THE MAYOR AT THESE EVENTS IS GREAT.

I JUST CAME FROM THE NEW YORK FILM SOCIETY

WHERE I MET MARTIN SCORSESE AND BOBBY D.

YOU MET ROBERT DeNIRO?

ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME?

THE LINE FROM "TAXI DRIVER."

NO, I'M ASKING YOU.

YOUR LEFT EYE WANDERS SOMETIMES.

ROY FIRESTONE CALLED FROM ESPN.

HE'D LOVE FOR YOU TO DO THE SHOW TONIGHT.

OH, YES! I LOVE THAT SHOW.

THE MAYOR'S MEDIA BOYCOTT

IS THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

HEY, EVERYBODY. HELLO, SIR.

WHO YOU LOOKING AT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK, SIR?

WELL, I'VE BEEN THINKING, CHARLIE.

AS IMPORTANT AS THIS BOYCOTT IS,

I THINK I'VE PUT TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOU.

NO, NO. DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

I'M WILLING TO SUCK IT UP.

FIRESTONE WANTS YOU AT 6:00.

YOU'RE DOING FIRESTONE?

I COULDN'T SUBJECT YOU TO THAT. I BETTER DO THE SHOW.

AS SELFLESS AS THAT IS, SIR,

I'LL MAKE THE GREATER SACRIFICE

AND ALLOW YOU TO CONTINUE THE BOYCOTT.

THIS BOYCOTT HAS ALREADY CAUSED ENOUGH SUFFERING.

IT ENDS TODAY!

DIDN'T YOU SAY IT'S IMPORTANT FOR A MAN

TO STICK TO HIS PRINCIPLES?

OKAY, YOU DO THE TELEVISION SHOW,

AND THANK YOU FOR BEING SO SELFLESS.

ANYTHING FOR YOU, SIR.

[ Thinking ] CHARLIE DOING FIRESTONE.

I'M STUCK WRITING IN STUPID JOURNAL .

SO, CAITLIN,

I HEAR YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND'S A SCI-FI GEEK.

YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY WEIRD.

HEY, TIM HAPPENS TO BE A GREAT GUY

WHO HAS ONE QUIRKY INTEREST.

IT'S NO WEIRDER THAN THE WAY YOU OBSESS ABOUT FOOTBALL.

AT LEAST FOOTBALL FANS

DON'T PAINT THEIR FACES WEIRD COLORS.

AT LEAST THE PLAYERS DON'T WEAR ODD HELMETS.

FOOTBALL IS PLAYED ON EARTH!

CAITLIN, HI. HI!

THESE ARE FOR YOU.

THANK YOU. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

LISTEN, I WAS WONDERING

IF YOU'D LIKE TO HAVE DINNER AND MAYBE SEE A SHOW.

A SHOW ABOUT...OUTER SPACE?

NO. SOMETHING ON BROADWAY.

IS THERE A SHOW ABOUT OUTER SPACE?

BROADWAY'S FINE. LET'S DO THAT.

AND LISTEN,

I KNOW I CAUGHT YOU OFF-GUARD LAST NIGHT

WEARING THAT OUTFIT.

I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT.

IT WAS PRESUMPTUOUS

TO SHOW UP IN MY MATING PLUMAGE.

I HAD A REALLY GREAT TIME WITH YOU.

OH, ME TOO.

I COULD LISTEN TO TALK ABOUT BACKTAR FEDERATION ALL NIGHT.

I THINK BACKTAR HAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ANTHEM.

I WAS JUST SINGING IT IN MY CAR THIS MORNING.

HEY, ARE YOU FREE TONIGHT?

SURE. WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

THE CLOSING NIGHT OF THE "GALACTIC MISSION" CONVENTION.

OHH, IT'S OVER ALREADY?

YEAH, I KNOW. IT'S A BUMMER.

BUT WE'LL GO OUT IN STYLE.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY.

SINCE WHEN ARE YOU SUCH A HUGE FAN OF SCI-FI?

I'M NOT. I REALLY LIKE TIM,

AND I WANT TO SHARE HIS INTERESTS.

YOU KNOW, THE WAY YOU ONLY DATE WOMEN

WHO SHARE YOUR INTEREST IN BEING NAKED.

IT WOULD BE AWKWARD IF I WERE THE ONLY ONE.

PAUL, TIME FOR OUR WILLPOWER MEDITATIONS.

QUITTING WON'T BE EASY, BUT WE CAN TOGETHER.

JUST A MINUTE!

COME IN.

[ SNIFFING ]

YOU'VE BEEN CHEWING.

NO.

DON'T LIE TO ME. I CAN SMELL MINT.

YOUR BREATH, YOUR FINGERS, YOUR CLOTHES.

PAUL, YOU REEK OF FRESHNESS.

IT'S GOT ME, MAN. IT'S CALLING ME.

�PAUL!

YOU CAN DO THIS.

TOGETHER WE CAN BEAT THIS DEMON.

AFTER THIS CIGARETTE...

ONE MORE AND THEN WE BEAT THE DEMON.

WE HAVE A CRYON HOTTIE IN VECTOR 12.

UH, ARE YOU ENTERING THE ATMOSPHERE RIGHT NOW?

'CAUSE YOU ARE BURNING UP.

BENGAT�!

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

LISTEN, I'VE GOT A BIG SURPRISE FOR YOU.

REALLY?

FOR THE CLOSING CEREMONY

YOU ARE SINGING THE BACKTARIAN ANTHEM.

YOU SEEMED SO SAD THAT THIS WAS THE LAST NIGHT.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT CHEER YOU UP.

OH!

A THOUSAND KREMNOIDS.

STUART -- STUART!

YOU'RE A SCI-FI GEEK?

ME? NO.

I JUST COME HERE TO MEET HOT ALIEN CHICKS.

ZELGANTS NEED A MALE AND TWO FEMALES TO MATE,

AND A LOT OF THESE WOMEN

TAKE THIS STUFF VERY SERIOUSLY.

STUART, YOU'VE GOTTA HELP ME.

TIM HAS ARRANGED FOR ME TO SING THE BACKTARIAN ANTHEM.

AH, SO BEAUTIFUL. I CAN'T WAIT.

BUT I DON'T KNOW IT AND I CAN'T TELL HIM THAT

SO YOU'VE GOTTA TEACH IT TO ME.

OKAY. OKAY.

IT INVOLVES A NUMBER OF ELABORATE HAND GESTURES.

AND THERE ARE NO LYRICS.

IT'S BASICALLY A SERIES OF SHRILL NOISES

THAT SOUND KIND OF LIKE, WELL...

DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME

PAUL TRIED TO HURDLE THAT PARKING METER?

WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW. I'M ROY FIRESTONE.

WE'RE HERE TO DISCUSS NEW YORK SPORTS AND POLITICS

WITH DEPUTY MAYOR CHARLIE CRAWFORD.

WELCOME, CHARLIE. THANKS, ROY.

WELL, CHARLIE, YOU'VE OBVIOUSLY MADE QUITE A SPLASH

IN THE MEDIA LATELY.

WELL, FOR ME, ROY, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WORK,

NOT THE GLITZY LIFESTYLE.

I WAS SAYING THE SAME THING THIS MORNING TO MARTY SCORSESE.

ANY THOUGHTS ON THE MAYOR'S BOYCOTT?

WELL, TO HIM IT'S A MATTER OF PRINCIPLE.

THIS IS NOT A MAN WHO BELONGS IN THE SPOTLIGHT.

Mayor Winston: HEY, EVERYBODY.

THIS IS -- THIS IS A SURPRISE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK.

NICE TO SEE YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

I WAS JUST IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU WERE IN BRISTOL, CONNECTICUT.

WOULD YOU JOIN US?

WELL, I'M A BUSY, BUSY, BUSY MAN.

YEAH.

OKAY, LET'S DO THAT.

I HAVE TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR EX-WIFE'S BOOK.

THAT'S ONE SUBJECT I REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT.

I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT.

CHARLIE, LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR FOOTBALL CAREER.

I UNDERSTAND YOU WERE QUITE A STAR IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I ONCE PLAYED AN ALL-STAR GAME WITH EMMITT SMITH.

I ONCE WAS AT A COCKTAIL PARTY WITH EMMA THOMPSON.

WE DID HAVE EMMITT SMITH ON OUR SHOW LAST WEEK --

HE WAS TELLING ME THE FUNNIEST STORY --

ACCORDING TO MY WIFE'S BOOK, I'M NOT GOOD IN BED.

SO, UH, SO MAYBE YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS BOOK.

IF THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR.

[ APPLAUSE ]

LET'S TALK ABOUT ME AT THE POLICE BANQUET.

THE PEOPLE MIGHT FIND THAT INTERESTING.

NOT AS INTERESTING AS MY ADDICTION TO PAINKILLERS

IN THE '70s.

WHEN YOU SING THE ANTHEM, DON'T FORGET TO DO THE GESTURES.

IF YOU'RE SETTING ME UP TO LOOK LIKE A FOOL...

WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

WHY WOULD YOU TELL PAUL

THE GOVERNOR'S BALL WAS A TOGA PARTY?

CAITLIN, ARE YOU READY?

GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO TRUST ME.

INTERGALACTIC COMRADES...

PLEASE WELCOME A NEW MEMBER TO OUR CREW --

LIEUTENANT CAITLIN MOORE.

[ MUSIC PLAYS ]

* AAH AAH

* AAH AAH AAH AAH

* AAH AAH AAH AAH

* AAH AAH AAH AAH

* AAH AAH

* AAH AAH

* AAAAAH

AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

She's a keeper.

CHARLIE...

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR AMBUSHING YOU ON THAT SHOW.

I DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT, BUT I -- I DON'T KNOW --

I REALLY MISS THE ATTENTION.

TO BE HONEST, I STARTED FEELING JEALOUS OF YOU.

I KNOW, SIR.

I WAS THAT TRANSPARENT?

NO. I FOUND YOUR JOURNAL.

BY THE WAY, THAT DREAM ABOUT YOUR MOTHER --

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THAT.

[ CLEARS THROAT ] WELL, WHAT HAPPENED WAS --

NOT ME, SIR.

I REALLY ENJOYED BEING IN THE SPOTLIGHT.

DON'T WORRY, CHARLIE. YOUR TIME WILL COME.

A BIT OF ADVICE --

TRY TO STAY GROUNDED.

MR. MAYOR, MY PHONE'S BEEN RINGING OFF THE HOOK.

I GOT 30 REPORTERS WHO WANT TO TALK TO YOU

ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL PROBLEMS.

I'M BACK, BABY.

HI, CAITLIN.

STUART TELLS ME TIM MADE YOU SING AN ALIEN ANTHEM

AT THE SCIENCE-FICTION CONVENTION.

YOUR LIFE'S REALLY COMING TOGETHER.

HEY, I HAD FUN,

AND I AM NOT GONNA LET YOU RAIN ON MY PARADE.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, TIM'S TAKING ME DANCING.

GOTTA BENGAT�.

- [MAN] SIT, UBU, SIT. GOOD DOG. - [UBU BARKS]

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