Original subtitles

GOOD MORNING, CHARLIE.

DID YOU READ MY ANALYSIS OF THE FOCUS GROUP RESEARCH?

MAYBE. WAS IT IN THE SPORTS SECTION?

SO WE'RE NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT OUR LITTLE KISS YESTERDAY?

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED IT NEVER HAPPENED.

LET ME SEE THE RESEARCH.

THAT NEVER HAPPENED, EITHER.

SORRY I'M LATE. AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING?

YES. NO.

LET'S GET STARTED.

LET'S SEE THE WORK.

OKAY, THAT'S MY LEG.

SORRY. SORRY.

READY FOR OUR LUNCH AT THE U.N.?

WE GOT A PROBLEM.

THIS MORNING, MY LIMO DRIVER HAD TO HAVE

AN EMERGENCY APPENDECTOMY.

OH, THAT'S HORRIBLE.

YEAH, I APPRECIATE THE CONCERN,

BUT ONE DAY WITHOUT A DRIVER WON'T KILL ME.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST TAKE THE SUBWAY?

YEAH.

AND AFTER THAT, WE'LL EAT FOOD FROM A STREET VENDOR.

ANGIE, HOLD MY CALLS. I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT MEETING.

THAT KEEPS HAPPENING.

I KNOW.

IT'S WEIRD.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T YOU AND I GO OUT ON A REAL DATE?

A DATE DATE?

YES...YES.

IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY.

I SAID "YES" TWICE 'CAUSE YOU SAID "DATE" TWICE.

I'M LAUGHING AT THE THOUGHT OF US DATING.

I MEAN, NO OFFENSE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT REALLY THE DATING TYPE.

WHAT TYPE AM I?

THE MAKING-OUT-IN-THE-OFFICE TYPE.

CAN'T SEEM TO SHAKE THAT.

NO, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG IMPRESSION OF ME.

CAITLIN, CAN YOU COME IN HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WOULD YOU DATE CHARLIE?

YOU MEAN DATE DATE?

WELL, CHARLIE'S A GREAT GUY AND A GOOD FRIEND.

WOULD YOU DATE HIM?

I MEAN, HE'S FUN.

HE'S...SMART. HE'S GOT NICE HAIR.

CAITLIN...

FINE. I WOULDN'T DATE HIM.

WE'RE OUT OF ICE BACK HERE.

ICE CHEST ON THE LEFT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE DOING THIS.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO DRIVE ONE OF THESE BOYS.

YEAH, THIS IS A SMOOTH RIDE.

A SMOOTH, SLOW RIDE.

* SLOW RIDE

* DOO DOO DOO-DOO CHICKA DOO-DOO *

* TAKE IT EASY

* DOO DOO DOO-DOO CHICKA DOO-DOO *

[ Falsetto ] * I'M IN THE MOOD

* DOO DOO DOO DOO

* THE RHYTHM IS RIGHT

* DOO DOO DOO-DOO CHICKA DOO-DOO -- *

SIR? SIR?

WHAT? WE'RE HERE.

OH.

DAMN. THERE'S NO PARKING.

WELL, LISTEN, WE'RE RUNNING LATE.

I JUST BETTER DOUBLE-PARK HERE.

YES, BABY, [CLEARS THROAT]

IT'S JUST LIKE A REGULAR CAR...

[ COLLISION ]

[ CAR ALARM SOUNDS ]

...ONLY LONGER.

SO, CHARLIE'S GOT A DATE WITH JULIA.

CHARLIE LIKES A GIRL.

SOMEBODY GOT BITTEN BY THE LOVEBUG.

[ SMOOCHES ]

COME ON! I'M JUST KIDDING AROUND!

I'M SORRY. I GUESS I REALLY LIKE JULIA.

SHE'S SO MUCH DIFFERENT FROM THE WOMEN I USUALLY DATE.

SHE'S SMART, SHE --

OWNS A BRA.

I'M JUST NERVOUS.

EVERY TIME I REALLY LIKE SOMEONE,

THINGS GO WRONG. IT'S LIKE I'M JINXED.

THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.

I WAS CRAZY ABOUT THIS GIRL, LAURA.

WE WERE FINE UNTIL HER BIRTHDAY.

I GOT A CAKE AND PUT A CANDLE FOR EACH YEAR.

YOU PUT ON TOO MANY?

SET HER HAIR ON FIRE.

ONCE AGAIN,

CAFE SUP�RIEUR REFUSES TO GIVE ME A RESERVATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SAYING WHEN THEY REJECT ME?

"YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR US. SCREW YOU."

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE SAYING THAT.

IT'S ON MY VOICE MAIL.

CARTER, I NEED A FAVOR FROM YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT GUY KURT IN OUR BUILDING?

I GOT CAUGHT PIGGYBACKING ON HIS LAUNDRY AGAIN.

WHAT'S PIGGYBACKING?

IT'S WHEN YOU ADD YOUR CLOTHES

TO SOMEONE ELSE'S LAUNDRY,

AND YOU TAKE IT OUT BEFORE THEY GET BACK.

ANYWAY, HE'S TAKEN MY LAUNDRY HOSTAGE.

I MEAN, YOU TALK ABOUT NO CLASS.

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR? TALK TO HIM.

AW, PAUL.

THAT GUY GIVES ME THE CREEPS. HE'S INFATUATED WITH ME.

HE WROTE YOU ONE LOVE LETTER.

IT WAS 78 PAGES.

I GOT A CONNECTION AT CAFE SUP�RIEUR.

YOU DO THIS FOR ME, I'LL GET YOU A RESERVATION.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL DO IT.

BUT YOU BETTER COME THROUGH.

I WILL. OF COURSE. I WILL.

HELLO? CAFE SUP�RIEUR?

YEAH, THIS IS PAUL LASSITER.

I'M THE PRESS SECRETARY FOR THE MAYOR OF NEW YORK.

I NEED A RESERVATION FOR TONIGHT.

OH, YEAH?!

WELL, SCREW YOU, TOO!

CHARLIE, I HAVE TO ADMIT --

I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME.

WHOA. NOTHING FLAMMABLE NEAR THE LADY.

YOU SEEM A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I JUST WANT TONIGHT TO GO WELL.

THANK YOU.

CHARLIE, YOU HAVE SOME NERVE SHOWING UP HERE.

WE SPEND THE NIGHT,

YOU DON'T CALL, THEN COME HERE WITH A DATE?

WE'RE GOING TO NEED ANOTHER MINUTE.

WELL, THAT WAS AWKWARD.

YES, IT WAS.

BUT LET'S NOT LET IT RUIN OUR DATE.

SO, YOU BEEN WATCHING SHARK WEEK ON DISCOVERY CHANNEL?

SHARKS ARE... SUCH BEAUTIFUL CREATURES.

MY BROTHER NEARLY LOST HIS LEG IN A SHARK ATTACK.

OF COURSE HE DID.

A TOAST...

TO OUR FIRST DATE.

PRETTY GOOD DRINK, HUH?

WHAT'S IN IT?

TEQUILA, VODKA, LIME JUICE --

LIME JUICE?

LET ME GUESS --

YOUR FATHER DROWNED IN LIME JUICE?

I'M SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO IT.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

OH. [ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]

THANKS FOR COMING IN, KURT.

IT WAS NO PROBLEM. I-I WASN'T BUSY.

UH, NOR AM I BUSY ANY NIGHT THIS WEEK.

OKAY. UH, SO, WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?

YEAH, NOT SO FAST THERE, CHIEF.

UH, YOU'LL GET YOUR CLOTHES

WHEN CARTER AGREES TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME.

Come on, Carter!

I want a corner booth.

Done. Done. Done.

OH. [ LAUGHS ]

EXCELLENT.

UH, SHALL WE?

SO, DID YOU EVER GET MY LETTER?

[ High-pitched ] YES.

MR. MAYOR, I HAVE A REPORT

THAT YESTERDAY YOU DOUBLE-PARKED YOUR LIMOUSINE,

BLOCKING A VAN OF SCHOOLKIDS.

I CAN ASSURE YOU THE MAYOR DID NOT DO THAT.

I ASSURE YOU THERE'S A GOOD EXPLANATION.

NO COMMENT.

I DIDN'T HAVE A DRIVER. I HAD TO GET ACROSS TOWN.

WHAT CHOICE DID I HAVE?

YOU COULD'VE TAKEN THE SUBWAY.

WELL, IT WAS TOO LATE TO GET TICKETS.

I THINK WE NEED TO SHOW THE PRESS

THAT YOU CAN IDENTIFY WITH THE COMMON MAN.

OH, GOOD IDEA. HOW ABOUT I SPONSOR A FOX HUNT?

THAT SHOULD BE EASY.

I'LL JUST...ROUND UP 8 MILLION HORSES.

HEY, JULIA.

I HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME LAST NIGHT.

GLAD TO SEE YOUR HEAD'S BACK TO NORMAL SIZE.

I KNOW DINNER WAS A BIT OF A DISASTER --

YOU KNOW, I JUST DON'T THINK THIS IS GOING TO WORK.

GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE.

LET ME TAKE YOU OUT TONIGHT.

MY PARENTS ARE IN TOWN. WE HAVE TICKETS TO "THE LION KING."

I KNOW A GUY AT THE THEATER WHO GETS FRONT-ROW SEATS.

COME ON.

WE'RE DINING AT CAFE SUP�RIEUR.

6:00.

I'LL BE THERE.

Yes.

* ANOTHER CHANCE

* ANOTHER CHANCE

* I'M BACK IN

* I'M BACK IN

SHE DIGS ME.

THE NEW YORK CITY SUBWAY SYSTEM IS THE FINEST IN THE WORLD,

AND THAT'S WHY MY STAFF AND I TAKE PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

Woman: THANK YOU, MR. MAYOR.

WELL, THERE'S YOUR SOUND BITE. NOW GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE.

COME ON, SIR.

ONE RIDE AND YOU'LL BE RANDALL WINSTON,

MAN OF THE PEOPLE.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO HOLD ON, SIR.

NO NEED, BONDEK. I HAVE THE BALANCE OF A CAT.

I LOVE MOMENTS LIKE THESE --

WHEN OUR JOBS ARE DONE, ALL THE FIRES ARE PUT OUT.

MAKES ME FEEL LIKE...

..."THE LION KING."

YOUR EGO IS OUT OF CONTROL.

NO, I WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET JULIA AND HER PARENTS FOR DINNER,

THEN WE WERE GOING TO GO TO THE SHOW AFTERWARDS.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN THIS SUBWAY THING WOULD RUN LATE.

OH, THE GODS MUST HATE ME.

RELAX.

GET OFF AT THE NEXT STOP AND CATCH A CAB.

TRUST ME -- THE GODS DO NOT HATE YOU.

WHOA!

[ THUD ]

[ ALARM SOUNDS ]

WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE GODS?

OKAY, LET'S ALL JUST, UH, KEEP CALM.

IF ANYONE HAS A PROBLEM...

JUST LET ME KNOW.

WHO MADE YOU BOSS?

I'M THE MAYOR.

WELL, I WAS A GREEN BERET.

WHY DON'T WE LET THE PEOPLE DECIDE WHO SHOULD BE IN CHARGE?

WELL, NOTHING COULD MAKE ME HAPPIER.

BECAUSE THIS CAR...

DESERVES A LEADER WITH EXPERIENCE,

HONESTY, INTEGRITY.

Bondek, dig up some dirt on this guy.

WE'RE GOING TO BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

JULIA'S GOING TO HATE ME.

SHE WON'T HATE YOU.

AND EVEN IF YOU DON'T MAKE IT,

THEY'LL STILL BE SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW OF "THE LION KING"

WITH YOUR GREAT TICKETS.

OH, DUDE.

DO YOU GET IT NOW?

IT'S THE JINX. RELATIONSHIPS AND I DON'T MIX.

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT THINGS GO WRONG

BECAUSE YOU WANT THEM TO?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHY WOULD YOU TAKE JULIA TO A RESTAURANT

WHERE YOU'D SLEPT WITH A WAITRESS?

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS SUBWAY RIDE?

DID YOU HAVE TO SCHEDULE IT THE SAME NIGHT AS YOUR DATE?

I'M SICK OF TALKING ABOUT THIS.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHY I DO THINGS.

OH, CHARLIE CRAWFORD IS SO COMPLEX.

I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU.

REALLY?

WHAT AM I THINKING RIGHT NOW?

THAT YOU'RE SCARED YOU MIGHT LOSE JULIA.

THAT YOU'RE SCARED YOU MIGHT GET JULIA.

AND THAT THE WOMAN IN THAT LOTTO POSTER HAS HUGE KNOCKERS.

LUCKY GUESS.

OKAY, THAT GUY WAS A WACKO.

HE ORDERED NOTHING BUT MEATBALLS.

SO?

HE STABBED EACH ONE WITH A FORK

AND YELLED, "YAH!"

WE BETTER BE ON FOR CAFE SUP�RIEUR.

I'M NEVER GOING TO GET THAT RESERVATION!

CALL AND SAY YOU'RE EATING WITH SOMEONE FAMOUS.

ONE TIME I GOT INTO A FANCY RESTAURANT

BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND LOOKED LIKE JENNIFER LOPEZ.

REALLY?

PEOPLE TELL ME I LOOK LIKE THE THIRD GUY

WHO GOT KILLED BY THAT TIGER IN "GLADIATOR."

BEFORE OR AFTER THE ATTACK?

HEY, LISTEN, I-I NEED A RESERVATION TONIGHT AT 7:00 --

NO, WAIT!

I KNOW -- SCREW ME --

BUT LISTEN -- WAIT.

YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT THE CELEBRITY THAT I'M DINING WITH.

WHO AM I DINING WITH?

CUBA GOODING JR.

RICHARD HAYDEN WANTS TO BE YOUR SUBWAY CAR LEADER,

BUT AT 7:30 HE WAS FOR EATING THE TWIX BAR,

AND AT 7:45, HE WAS AGAINST IT.

WHICH IS IT, RICHARD?

Nice job, Bondek.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.

FORGET WHAT I SAID.

YOU WERE RIGHT.

I KNEW IT!

YOU KNOW THAT WOMAN LAURA?

YOU SET HER HAIR ON FIRE.

THAT'S THE ONE.

I LEFT OUT ONE DETAIL -- THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED

THE DAY AFTER LAURA AND I DECIDED TO MOVE IN TOGETHER.

NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR BEHAVIOR,

YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I CAN TURN THIS RIGHT AROUND.

FIRST THING, I'LL HAVE MY FLOWER GUY SEND HER A NICE BOUQUET.

OH, PERFECT!

AND MAKE SURE IT'S REALLY BIG AND EXPENSIVE.

THAT'S GOOD!

YOU CAN HAVE A BALLOON WITH A MESSAGE.

YES! YOU IDIOT!

WHAT?

FLOWERS ARE SO LAME!

IF I WERE JULIA, I WOULD WANT A REAL GESTURE --

SOMETHING GENUINE AND HEARTFELT.

CAITLIN, WORDS COME AND GO,

BUT A BALLOON CAN HOVER IN YOUR APARTMENT FOR DAYS.

I'M JUST NOT GOOD WITH THIS HEARTFELT STUFF.

WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULD DO IT.

YOU NEED TO SHOW HER

THAT YOU'RE NOT THE GUY SHE THINKS YOU ARE.

I'M OUTTA HERE.

[ COUGHS ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU CAN'T GO OUT THERE!

WHICH WAY IS DOWNTOWN?

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT US A TABLE HERE.

CARTER, PLEASE.

I DO HAVE MY CONNECTIONS.

BESIDES, PAUL LASSITER IS NO STRANGER

TO FINE GOURMET DINING.

MMM! MMM!

THIS CUSTARD IS RICH!

THAT'S BUTTER.

CHOCOLATE SOUFFL�.

OH.

COURTESY OF THE CHEF.

I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU EARLIER, BUT...

I AM A HUGE FAN OF YOUR WORK.

WHY, THANK YOU.

THAT'S THE THIRD COMPLIMENT I'VE GOTTEN TONIGHT.

BOY, YOU DO YOUR JOB AS A PUBLIC OFFICIAL,

BUT YOU NEVER EXPECT THIS KIND OF RECOGNITION.

HI. I HATE TO BOTHER YOU,

BUT THE WAITER TOLD US YOU WERE HERE.

WE'VE BEEN FOLLOWING YOUR CAREER FROM THE BEGINNING.

WELL, I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

BUT, UH, I OWE ALL MY SUCCESS TO THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH.

HEY, WE LOVED YOU IN "GLADIATOR."

Carter: WHAT?

NOTHING.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF TOM CRUISE?

HONEY, DON'T ASK HIM THAT.

OH, THAT'S OKAY. THAT'S OKAY.

I THINK HE'S DELICIOUS.

SHOW ME THE MONEY!

YOU SHOW ME THE MONEY!

I LOVE THIS PLACE!

AH, AH! THIS IS ON ME. LET ME GIVE YOU A CREDIT CARD.

NO, NO, NO. DON'T GIVE HIM A CREDIT CARD.

WHY NOT?

B-BECAUSE...

I WANT TO PAY.

IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE TO TREAT YOU TO --

[ Gasping ] OH, GOD.

OH, GOD! OH, GOD!

OH!

OH! AHH! AHH!

[ GRUNTS ] GOD!

CAN'T WAIT TO TELL MY WIFE

THAT I WAITED ON CUBA GOODING JR.

PAUL!

Did you -- did you tell these people

I was Cuba Gooding Jr.?!

MAYBE.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED.

YOU KNOW, I MAY NOT BE AN IMPORTANT PERSON,

BUT I AM PROUD OF WHO I AM,

AND I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND FOR ANYBODY!

I HATE TO BOTHER YOU AGAIN, BUT...

WE'RE HAVING A PRIVATE BIRTHDAY PARTY

FOR AL PACINO UPSTAIRS, AND...

WELL, HE WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO COME.

SHOW ME THE PARTY!

GOOD NEWS --

IT LOOKS LIKE I'VE MADE HEADWAY WITH THE BLONDE.

OH, WE GOT HER VOTE?

NO.

SINCE CHARLIE LEFT, YOU'RE DOWN TO THREE VOTES.

THAT REPORTER WAS RIGHT. I HAV LOST TOUCH WITH PEOPLE.

THE PEOPLE LOVE YOU. LAST WEEK YOU GOT A STANDING OVATION

AT THAT SENIOR CITIZENS' LUNCHEON.

THOSE SUPPORTERS WERE HANDPICKED.

BESIDES, HALF OF THEM THOUGHT I WAS JAMES BROLIN.

WHEN I FIRST RAN FOR CITY COUNCIL, I WAS --

I WAS SO PASSIONATE.

I COULD MAKE AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WITH ANYONE.

[ LAUGHS ]

I REMEMBER AN EVENT WHERE ONLY ONE MAN SHOWED UP,

AND HE ONLY CAME TO PICK UP WOMEN.

I KNOW THE TYPE.

AFTER TALKING WITH HIM FOR A WHILE,

I REALIZED THAT BEHIND THE BRAVADO

AND THE JUVENILE SEXUAL HUMOR...

...THERE WAS A LONELY MAN, CRYING FOR HELP.

WH--

W-WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM?

WELL... I LOOKED IN HIS EYES,

AND I SAID, "SON, I SEE GREATNESS IN YOU,

AND I'M ON YOUR SIDE."

WELL, HE BROKE DOWN IN MY ARMS.

I ALMOST BECAME LIKE A FATHER FIGURE TO HIM.

[ Crying ] OH, DADDY...

AND THAT'S WHY I GOT INTO POLITICS IN THE FIRST PLACE --

THE PEOPLE!

WELL... I HAVE GOT SOME WORK TO DO.

HI!

I'M RANDY WINSTON...

...AND I'D BE HONORED TO BE YOUR SUBWAY CAR LEADER.

CHARLIE!

HOW DID YOU GET HERE?

THE SUBWAY CAR STARTED MOVING 10 MINUTES AFTER YOU LEFT.

YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.

I DON'T LOOK THAT BAD.

HERE.

YOU NEED THIS MORE THAN WE DO.

SWEET -- CRAB CAKES.

I CAME TO TELL JULIA YOU WERE ON YOUR WAY.

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

THEY WON'T LET ANYONE IN.

APPARENTLY CUBA GOODING JR. IS HERE.

WISH ME LUCK.

UH, CHARLIE, UM...

PERFECT.

HI.

YOU MUST BE JULIA'S PARENTS.

WELCOME TO THE BIG APPLE.

JULIA, I AM REALLY SORRY.

CHARLIE, I KNOW YOU MEAN WELL, BUT --

I KNOW I'VE BEEN A SCREW-UP, BUT I FIGURED OUT WHY.

I REALLY LIKE YOU, AND IT SCARES ME.

I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT A SEXUAL ATTRACTION,

ALTHOUGH THAT STUFF WE DID IN THE ELEVATOR WAS AMAZING.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT NOW.

OR EVER AGAIN.

JULIA, I JUST RAN 40 BLOCKS UNDERGROUND

BECAUSE I COULDN'T WAIT TO TALK TO YOU.

I'M NOT SURE WHERE THIS IS GOING,

BUT I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING.

I REALIZE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE SOME CHANGES,

BUT I PROMISE YOU --

EVERY DAY, I WILL TRY TO BE BETTER.

PLEASE LET ME TRY.

SAY YES.

YES.

WHY ARE YOU SO IMPOSSIBLE TO HATE?

I'M LIKE A PUPPY.

A PUPPY WHO NEEDS A BATH.

WHICH I'LL BE TAKING ALONE.

IS THIS GOING TO BE OUR FIRST NON-OFFICE KISS?

I GUESS IT IS.

I CAN'T -- YOU WANT ME TO GET THE OSCAR?

YOU'LL HEAR FROM MY AGENT!

* TAKE IT EASY...

[ KNOCKING ]

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

Charlie: SIR...

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER MUSIC?

WELL, I'LL TAKE A LOOK.

THANK YOU.

[ BOTH CHUCKLE ]

* ...SLOW RIDE

* TAKE IT EASY

- [MAN] SIT, UBU. GOOD DOG. - [UBU BARKS]

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