Original subtitles

'First: "Birth of a Nation".

'Then: "Gone With The Wind",

"'2001: A Space Odyssey",

"'Love Story",

"'See You Next Wednesday".

'And now... "Schlock"!'

"'Schlock"!'

"'Schlock"!'

When I discover who or what is responsible for this,

they're gonna be in big trouble.

Ivan, radio headquarters.

This is Joe Putzman live.

And never has a word been so full of meaning.

Live from Kablonsky Peace Park,

on location with our WAOH TV6 mobile unit,

bringing you the latest news

on the most recent

and perhaps most horrendous scene of destruction so far,

in the recent rash of the unsolved "Banana Murders" in our community.

So-called because of the banana peels usually found on the scene of the crime.

It seems that the entire

Canyon Valley Metaphysical Bowling Society's Annual Picnic

was taken by surprise this morning.

And apparently no one survived whatever ghastly thing attacked them.

The full body count so far is an amazing 239.

Although there is some disagreement on that depressing figure.

It seems that several cadavers were so badly torn apart,

that it will be quite impossible to ascertain exactly

how many individuals those pieces belong to.

Oh... I've just been handed a note here.

From what I understand,

these grisly relics of death have been put into plastic bags, or baggies,

and are to be sorted out back at the morgue.

Now it says here that the first viewer to send in a correct estimate

on exactly how many individuals those baggies contain...

Could we have a shot of the baggies, please?

...will win a free Kentucky Chicken Dinner with all the trimmings

and enough Cola for a family of six.

So be sure to send your entries right away to:

Body Count Contest, c/o Joe Putzman,

WAOH-TV, Channel 6,

your community-minded station.

There seems to be some activity over here. I'll make my way toward it.

What are you trying to say?

What was it? Was it bigger than a breadbox?

Sounds like, sounds like. Title of a movie? Title of a book?

Speak up, man!

Bananas! Bananas!

Ladies and gentlemen,

I am going to approach Detective Sgt. Wino,

who has been placed in charge of this particular case.

Possibly the most bizarre and bloody series of crimes in history.

Excuse me, Detective Sgt. Wino. I'm Joe Putzman.

I was wondering if you'd like to reassure our viewing audience,

that this reign of terror in our town will soon be over.

That these ghastly series of "Banana Murders" will soon cease.

Can you tell us anything? Give us one ray of hope,

that our streets will soon be safe to walk again.

No.

Surely you have some sort of lead, some hunch you're following?

We haven't a clue.

And I would say this thing is gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.

Hundreds more may die, in fact thousands.

If it weren't for my job, I wouldn't even go out of my house, until this is over.

These "Banana Murders" are really strange.

What you're saying is, Detective Sgt. Wino,

is that the situation is totally out of control?

Yes.

Thank you for those encouraging words, Detective Sgt. Wino.

Well, I guess that just about winds it up here at Kablonsky Peace Park.

Er... be sure and mail your estimate to:

Body Count Contest, c/o Joe Putzman,

WAOH-TV, Channel 6,

your community-minded station.

And be sure to watch the "Dinnertime Movie" tonight at six on six.

Tonight it's "See You Next Wednesday",

starring Charles Laughton, Claudette Colbert and Mickey Rooney.

A fun-filled musical frolic, through the leper colonies of Europe

during the Thirty Years' War.

Well, that's all for now.

And this is Joe Putzman saying: "Have a happy!"

Boy, I can't wait until the Big Dance. It's gonna be so far out.

I'm on the decorating committee,

and we can't decide whether to do the gym in Psychedelic or Hawaiian.

This is one High School Dance that's gonna be truly fun.

I'm bringing all my records: Bobby Sherman, The Monkeys,

Cliff Richard, The Archies, The Delfonics,

Frank Zappa, Pat Boone...

I hope Mindy's eyes are better for the dance.

You mean Mindy? Blind Mindy?

But she's been blind ever since her accident in the eighth grade.

Cleverness! Mindy went into eye surgery three or four days ago.

And if that doctor knows what he's doing,

when the bandages are removed she should be able to see.

I didn't know that.

She's been Cal's girlfriend for two years and she's never even seen him.

Yeah, well, he doesn't have to worry.

Cal is just the grooviest looking guy in the whole school.

Oh, I see. Thanks a lot.

Oh, come on, Bobby. You know I think you're good-looking.

I mean, I'm going steady with you, aren't I?

I wouldn't be wearing your pin, if you looked like... this.

Damn! Where the hell did that come from?

Look, banana peel.

Listen, you guys, I think this is the work of the Banana Killer.

Well, whoever did it, obviously is bananas.

- Come on, we better go to the police. - Right!

No, wait a minute. I think we should take a look around.

What if the Banana Killer is looking at us right at this moment?

Don't be a moron, Billy. We got to get out of here.

Don't be a sissy, Bobby.

Hey, Banana Killer! We got Fay Wray over here!

- Let's go. - Come on, Billy.

What could possibly happen to all four of us? I mean...

- Whoa! - Billy, are you alright?

Hey, you guys, come on down here, it's out of sight.

What's down there?

A whole cave thing! Out of sight!

And you're out of your mind!

- What do you think, Barbara? - I dunno. What do you think, Betty?

- I dunno. What do you think, Bobby? - I don't know. What do you think, Barbara?

I dunno. What do you think, Bobby?

OK, Billy. Betty, Barbara and I are gonna come on down.

Gee, it's so dark in here.

It usually is dark in underground caves.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

- Look, blood! - Bones!

- Bobby! - Betty!

- Barbara! - Billy!

- Bananas! - Bones?

Blood? Bananas?

Billy.

There's got to be something down here and I'm gonna find out what.

Let's just get out of here. I've got such a case of the creeps.

Look, that trail of blood leads off into the darkness.

Right.

I wouldn't go, if I were you.

Well, you're not me, Bobby. You stay here with Barbara and Betty.

Be careful, Billy!

Billy, are you alright?

This time we better go to the police.

Wrong. I'm gonna go see what's the matter.

Wait...

Erm... excuse me, have you seen...?

Kids, this is all very interesting,

but how do I know you're telling me the truth?

Hello? Listen, I think we've trapped this Banana Killer.

I want eight squad cars and three men outside right away.

No. Make that the Tactical Squad and the fire engine.

No, stick to the cars and the men.

And ration out a lot of weapons, guns, clubs, tear gas, things like that. Got that?

'So that's eight men, three patrol cars, hold the fire engine,

'hold the Tac Squad and steady on the weapons?'

Right. And call Professor Shlibovitz at the university.

Tell him to meet me at the site.

We'll see whether that little theory of his is correct.

- 'Yes, sir.' - What did you say?

- 'I said, "Yes, sir." ' - Oh. That's what I thought you said.

- 'That's what I did say!' - That will be quite enough, Gloria.

I'm leaving the office in three minutes. I want everything ready and waiting.

'Yes, sir!'

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen.

The scene is tense here, as we wait to see if the infamous Banana Killer,

responsible for 789 deaths in our community in the last three weeks,

is really in that opening.

Only time will tell.

Why, I see that Professor Shlibovitz has arrived.

And as you know, Professor Shlibovitz has voiced his theory

about these banana killings for the last three weeks,

ever since he examined the first victim.

Excuse me, Professor Shlibovitz, I am Joe Putzman.

I was wondering if you would care to comment

on just what you expect to find down there today.

Certainly.

For much of the long span of its history,

our planet lay barren and lifeless.

The waters of its oceans rose and fell in tides and stirred under the winds.

But in them, nothing moved.

Above them loomed the continents, bleak as the landscapes of the moon.

Perhaps as much as two and a half billion years ago,

life mysteriously appeared in the waters.

Tiny one-cell life forms that could truly be called living.

Well, whole bunches of millions of years went by.

Reptiles developed and huge dinosaurs roamed the earth.

The ferocious Allosaurus, the gentle and dumb Brontosaurus,

the fire-breathing Godzilla.

Soon, however, even these majestic creatures gave way

to the constant parade that is evolution, to the age of the mammals.

These warm-blooded animals survive,

until almost men-like creatures appear.

However, even these early human-appearing beings

trembled before the monarch of all he surveyed: the Simian Gigantus.

Or Kong, King of the Pliocene and Pleistocene Eras.

But then we come to the mystery:

What stages of life were there,

between these early human-appearing beings and true men?

- We have evidence of the Homo Erectus. - The what?

Homo Erectus, the Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon Man.

And you've only to look about you to see the modern Homo Sapien,

that nature took literally an eternity to perfect.

But what of that piece of the puzzle that's missing,

that vacant place, that empty spot,

that blank page, that hollow shell,

that void in our knowledge of the evolutionary chain,

that missing link!

But surely, Professor Shlibovitz...

No, that's Professor Shirley Shlibovitz! A strange quirk of my mother's.

Oh... Well, then what you are saying, Shirley,

is that you believe some sort of prehistoric monster

is responsible for the recent destruction in our community.

That the Banana Killer is in reality the missing link.

Yes. I'm certain that what awaits us down there

is in actuality the Schlocktropus or Schlock,

usually referred to as the missing link or Yeti.

I believe we're on the brink of the greatest scientific breakthrough

in the last eight or nine weeks.

But, Shirley, how has this Schlock been able to survive all these millions of years?

I knew you would ask that.

My theory is that millions of years ago our friend Schlock was bopping along

through the primeval jungles, looking for food.

He spies a lovely bunch of bananas hanging seductively

from a branch over the river.

Schlock finds himself in much the same situation

as the fabled "Fox and the Grapes".

The bananas are just out of his reach,

so with a mighty leap Schlock jumps for them,

but misses and lands in the river.

Just then, along comes the Ice Age

and Schlock lies frozen for these past 20 million years.

Dr. Evlof of the UCLA has had great success reanimating sperms,

after a long period of intense cold.

Bears hibernate for winters, why not Schlock for centuries?

Thank you very much, Shirley. Have a safe journey and good luck.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard

Professor Shirley Shlibovitz of the university

voice his theory on just what menacing secret that hole contains.

Excuse me once again, Professor.

What is the purpose of that peculiar headgear?

This particular helmet was designed by Dr. Hayword Floyd Jerome

of the ACME Research Group.

Yes, I see, but why is it you're wearing it?

I have no idea.

Well...

There goes a fine man, a brave man and one swell guy.

All the hopes and good wishes of our community

go with Shirley Shlibovitz.

There is nothing to do now but wait.

I'm ready.

Hold it steady.

The probe, Professor.

Thank you.

- Hold it steady. - I am holding it.

Just steady there.

Aargh!

While we are waiting, ladies and gentlemen,

I am pleased to announce that there has been a winner in our Body Count Contest.

Mrs. Leroy Binerman of Canyon Valley.

We are privileged to have Mrs. Binerman with us here today.

Just how many bodies were in those bags, Mrs. Binerman?

- Four. - That's right.

- How ever did you guess? - I don't know, I just guessed.

Well, you guessed correctly.

And that Kentucky Chicken Dinner is yours.

Well, I am as pleased as punch.

Why don't you get a haircut? Why don't you get a job?

You're in the drama department?

As a matter of fact, I run the drama department.

Isn't that wonderful? I've seen some of those productions.

Boy, are they marvelous, absolutely terrific.

You liked them? I'm so pleased.

And I tell you one thing,

I understand that you're doing a very new production and, as you already know,

Mrs. Binerman is also the sponsor of the upcoming Big School Dance.

Yes, we are terribly excited about that, especially me,

because my daughter Mindy gets out of the hospital tomorrow

and we're hoping she'll be able to see for the first time in three years.

Well, isn't that wonderful?

Well, congratulations, Mrs. Binerman,

and good luck to you and your daughter.

Oh, and by the way, if Mindy's eyesight is going to be restored,

she might like to see tomorrow evening's dinner time movie

at six on six.

Tomorrow evenings film is "See You Next Wednesday",

starring Jimmy Stewart, Donna Reed and Stymie Beard,

in an action-packed war drama

of defrocked missionaries in the Belgian Congo.

Well, we are still awaiting word from Professor Shlibovitz.

Er... and let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, the scene here is tense.

Well, I think I'll interview some of the crowd.

How do you do, sir? What do you think...?

Well... My god, is that a gorilla suit?

This is fantastic.

Is that some sort of fraternity stunt? It's ingenious...

What? No, you're for real.

What? You're the monster!

Oh my... Ladies and gentlemen,

Channel Six is proud to be the first to bring you Schlock, the missing link.

Tell me, Schlock, are you really the Banana Killer?

I'm... I'm Joe Putzman.

Come on, men.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.

You have the right to counsel of your choice or by appointment of the court.

You may make one telephone call...

Ah...

Coming!

Come in.

Hold it!

Gloria?

Hey, what do you think of that Banana Killer thing, anyway?

Well, I agree with that Professor.

I read once an amazing virility magazine about that Big Foot thing up north.

Sounded genuine to me.

That, my friend, is because you are a moron.

Well, if I'm a moron, then what's that?

'Roger, we've got a 463 and a 998 at the corner of Bentley, over!'

'Roger, 779-341-362-295.

'We got a dead dog over at the college, 10-4.'

- Oh, Mom, I'm so excited. - I'm the nurse.

- Oh, Mom, I'm so excited. - Well, it won't be long now, dear.

In few days, you'll see what your Cal really looks like.

I already know his soul, Mom, and it's beautiful.

Yes, well.

You know, we're having a big dance in a few days, Doctor, and we wonder...

Have her have a lot of rest before it goes.

Here's the car right here, Doctor.

- Well, goodbye, Miss... - Nurse.

Miss Nurse, goodbye.

Thank you so much, Doctor. Thank you, you've been so kind.

Here, darling.

Yes, Gloria?

'Detective Sgt. Wino, do you have that Prince Albert in the can?'

- Yes, I do - 'Just let him out!'

I'll come by tomorrow and finish reading the homework assignment.

Cal, you're so considerate. Why are you so nice to me?

Oh, that's enough of that now, kids.

Cal, you'll have to go. Mindy's got to rest.

OK, I'll see you guys.

Cal, thanks for helping me with my homework.

He's gone, dear.

Why don't you go out in the backyard and rest?

The fresh air will do you good.

- 'We found it. Roger.' - 'Roger.'

'Roger. Car 14, Car 14. Over.'

- 'What?' - 'Car 19, we got an OK on the 7-34.

- 'Car 19, we got an OK on the 7-34.' - 'On what?'

- 'Roger.' - '10-4.'

'Correction on the 7-34. I've got a 21 next Wednesday.

'Roger. Sydney. Roger. 10-4.'

Hello? Who's there?

Hi, fella. Hi, little dog.

Hi, doggy, hi.

What's your name? Should we name you? We'll call you Willy.

That's a good name. We'll call you Willy.

We'll call you Willy, little dog. You wanna play?

Here, fetch the stick. See the stick? OK, go get it.

Go on, go on, Willy. Go get the stick. Go on.

Go on. Go on, Willy-Dog. Go on.

OK, I throw it again.

Go on. Go fetch the stick. Come on, you did it last time.

Come on, Willy-Doggy!

Good boy. Good boy. Good boy.

OK, OK, get it again, come on.

Come on, bring it back.

Come on, hurry back. Come on.

Go on. Go on.

Good boy, come on. You have fun playing, don't you?

Little dog. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on!

Go on, silly dog. What a funny dog you are.

What a funny dog. Good boy.

OK, OK.

OK, I know you like playing. Go on.

Next time I'll throw it further, go on.

Go on, good doggy.

Go on.

OK.

Go on. Go on.

Go on.

What a funny dog. I've never met a dog like you, little doggy.

Go on, Willy. You never get tired, do you, good doggy?

Come on, bring it back.

Come on, come on. OK, once more.

Come on. Oh, you're so quick, what a good dog.

What a good doggy. OK, go on, go get it.

Mindy, come in now, dear! It's getting late.

Willy, come on, boy!

Well, hurry up, Mindy, it's getting chilly. It's almost time for dinner.

Coming, Mom!

My baby girl.

I can see! I can see, Mom! I can see!

Oh, my baby, my baby.

- Cal? - I hope you're not disappointed.

No, not at all.

Well, do you think you'll feel well enough to go to the Big Dance tomorrow night?

- Oh, yes, of course. - How do you feel?

I feel as good as I look.

I'm gonna go in the backyard and see if my friend Willy's there.

- Willy? - It's some dog she saw in the backyard.

- But I didn't see him. - But I did and gonna look right now.

Willy! Willy, come on, Willy!

Come on, Willy. Where are you? Come on, doggy.

- Willy, come on. - It looks like your friend isn't here.

- But he was here yesterday. - I believe you.

I'm gonna go, OK? I'll pick you up tomorrow 7:30 for the dance.

OK, see you tomorrow.

I got something for you.

- Gee, thanks. - Bye.

Bye.

Oh... how nice to see you.

Is this one of your little friends from school?

Mrs. Binerman, get the flares out of the car!

Get back!

- The monster's trapped inside. - Right, get lost.

Men, this is the opportunity we've been waiting for.

We've got this thing where we want it. Ivan, get the box.

According to Professor Shlibovitz,

this thing has been frozen in ice for 20 million years.

So I figure it must be lonely.

And I had the boys at the lab make this thing up.

Now, I'm gonna go in and lure out that Schlock-thing.

First thing out that door: fire, shoot to kill.

I'm gonna give Ivan this whistle,

and when he blows it, that's your signal to fire.

Got that? Got that?

Guns ready? OK.

First the whistle, then fire.

May I help you?

'Boss, I don't see the kid anymore.'

Pardon me.

Pardon me, please.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Ooh! Oh, I'm sorry.

- Give me that! - Shut up, lady!

Excuse me. I'm sorry.

'Steve!'

'Please stop!'

'It was just a little dog.' 'Everything will be alright.'

'It'll be alright.'

Thank you.

Would you believe me if I told you

there was something inside of that rock we found tonight?

Something that could wipe out this whole town?

'Hey, knock it off!'

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Thank you.

Excuse... Excuse me.

'If it can kill Dr. Hallen, it can kill somebody else.'

'What do you want us to do, Steve?'

'We're gonna find this thing and we're gonna make people believe us.'

'Let's try Johnsonville again, Ritchie.'

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

'The most horrible thing I've ever seen in my life.'

'Don't go in, Jim. This won't do any good.'

'Why did the caveman have to die?'

'There's a time for everything.

'The caveman slept all those years,

'then one day he woke like Rip van Winkle.

'He found the world so changed he didn't belong in it anymore.

'How would you like it if you woke in the 21st century?

'No house, no friends. Even the town gone.

- 'Just a strange world.' - 'I would like it!'

You moron! Why don't you watch where you're going?

My gosh, Mrs. Binerman, you must've been scared to death.

Oh, yes. Well, I was a little anxious, yes.

Well, I think both you and Mindy are very brave.

Well, nothing must interfere this dance tonight.

Detective Sgt. Wino has been kind enough

to offer us four policemen for outside the gym.

This is going to be the best dance that Canyon Valley High School has ever had.

Hey, Slick, I was thinking I'd go down to Paul's for a drink.

You wanna stay here and play the piano or you wanna go with me?

I wanna stay here and play the piano.

I'll take you over there.

Come on.

Your beer's right here. I'll be back in a little while.

Hey, sit down, man.

Do this.

No!

Excuse me, honey. Betty, why aren't you dancing, sweetheart?

Everybody's having such a good time. Come on.

I'll find somebody to dance with you. Come on, George, dance with her.

She's the most popular... Come on, George!

Never mind. You can dance with a donut, come on.

Oh, yes. Oh, that's fine. I like to see people having a good time.

Come, sweetie, I'll find somebody for you.

Joyce, baby...

- Arnie... - Joyce, baby...

- Arnie? Arnie! - What, Joyce?

Oh, Joyce, baby...

- Arnie? Arnie, your hands... - What about my hands?

- Watch your hands. - Watch my hands?

- - Keep your hands down, Arnie. - Now look, Joyce!

I took you to a fancy restaurant, I blew 6.50 on dinner.

We go to roller derby, we had a great time.

I came through, baby. How about you?

- Arnie, that's just too bad. - Hey! Joyce!

Ow!

Ain't no broad ever did that to Arnie Kravitz!

No way!

Hell, I've seen better legs at the health club.

- Are you happy, Mindy? - Yes, but I can't help being a little nervous.

Don't worry about that, Detective Sgt. Wino has four cops outside.

- What? - Detective Sgt. Wino has four cops outside.

Mindy, darling, you have no need to worrywith those four officers outside.

Mindy, stop worrying, everything's gonna be OK.

Really, Mindy, stop fretting. Everything's gonna be OK.

Don't be alarmed, but there's a very large...

How do you feel, Mindy?

I feel a lot more like I do now, than I did when I got here.

- Hey, would you like something to drink? - Yes, please.

Ivan, this thing is getting out of hand. Call out the National Guard!

Mindy!

Detective Sgt. Wino, that thing has Mindy!

I know, son, but there's nothing we can do now,

but wait till the National Guard gets here.

Come on, you guys. Get a move on!

Come on! Hustle! Hustle!

- Are you Wino? - Detective Sgt. Wino.

Yeah, OK. Where are the kids? What are they doing?

Burning their draft cards? Rioting? Wearing that damn long hair?

That's what really gripes me, that long hair.

Say aren't you the barber from down on 3rd Street?

Yeah, that's right. You need a trim, yeah.

- I was thinking of cutting my sideburns. - Yeah, we can style them.

Why don't you come in and have a shampoo too?

Say 4 o'clock Monday?

Monday's no good. What about Wednesday?

Can't you guys discuss haircuts later? That thing's got Mindy!

- Yeah, speaking of haircuts, you punk! - Alright, let's cool it.

Cal, we don't even know where this thing is, much less how to find it.

Look!

Alright, men, let him have it!

No, hold it! You can't shoot while that thing's got Mindy!

- Why not? - Well, give me some flares!

Ivan, flares!

Alright, men, drop your rifles!

What the hell are these guys doing?

Assume your positions!

Ready? Fire!

Alright, men, reload.

Ready? Fire!

Reload!

Come on, reload! Reload! Get the lead out!

It's over, Mindy. It's over. And I'm sorry.

Love means never having to say you're sorry!

Well, looks like the guns got him.

No. 'Twas beauty killed the beast.

What's wrong with you?