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It's bold. I'll give her that.

- Boldly stupid.
- Everybody out!

Did I stutter? Get out.

Go on, out!

You won't get to go home,
but you can't stay here.

Reznikov, I said move your ass.

Put one foot in front of the other

and step the fuck out.

Let's go, Cathy. Time to get up.

Oh, looks like Chatty Cathy

ain't so chatty no more, huh?

Where you taking us? A cage match?

How do we know this ain't
another one of your sick games?

Relax. The SHU is closing down.

- What? Why?
- New sheriff in town.

What happened to the old sheriff?

I need to push it all the way in.

Goddamn motherfuck!

Ah!

All done.

So is this what you pictured when
we started talking babymaking?

Well, you weren't not bent
over a kitchen island, ass up.

You want me to talk to your body
for you? Give it encouragement?

Maybe massage the area, huh?

Joe, I'm not getting
pregnant through my ass cheek.

I figure it's never too early to show
the kid who's good cop around here.

So that would make me bad cop?

Mmm. Make you... firm cop.

Because I'm cold and heartless.

- Well, you are the new "ice" queen.
- Hilarious.

Why are we even doing this

if you don't think I'm
gonna be a good mother?

Babe, I am balls deep in
medical science for you.

You think I would be poking
that gorgeous ass with needles

if I didn't think you were
gonna be an amazing mother?

Come on. Safe... Safe to approach?

Hmm?

- What's this all about?
First-day jitters? - Oh, gross.

I hate when you try and
predict my feelings, but...

yeah.

Mmm. Maybe what you need
is a Joe Caputo pep talk.

Oh, please. Save it for your
12-year-old mentee who stole my job.

To be fair, you got fired.

And she's 26.

Not helping!

- The hell is this?
- CO Hopper, good morning.

Ad Seg's already at capacity,

and your first day on the job,
you're closing down the SHU?

That is right. We will no longer
be using solitary confinement

as a means of discipline.

Listen. Over and over, studies conclude
that it's cruel and ineffective,

and it results in memory
loss, suicidal tendencies...

Tamika, we need a means of discipline.

All right? We need the threat
of a means of discipline.

And incentive programs
motivate good behavior

far more than fear of punishment.

Well, if we're not punishing them,

then what the hell is
the point of prison?

Rehabilitation. Or
at least it should be.

Perfect. Perfect.

So why don't we give them gold stars

and nut-free snacks while we're at it?

If that's actually a suggestion, Hopper,

you're welcome to add
it to my suggestion box.

You wanna know what I think?
I think this is a move.

I think it's your way of justifying
why they gave you this job.

Excuse me, they didn't give
me this job. I got this job.

Yeah, let's go with that.

Not that I have to
list my résumé to you,

but I've been taking
prison management courses

- for months now without you...
- Oh, come on, Tamika!

You really think they looked
at your night school classes

and thought, "Wow, she's so qualified"?

I got years on you, Tamika. Years!
Years of real-life experience.

We all know you got this job because...

Because you tick the right boxes.

What? You think I'm some
sort of diversity quota hire?

You don't?

Federal funding for detention
centers like ours is up 20%.

More ICE agents on the streets,

plus a growing list of deportable
offenses means our beds stay full.

Then we ship 'em out,
we bring in even more.

PolyCon charges $150
per day per detainee,

which means stocks rise, people
feel safer, everybody's happy.

This is your new office, by
the way. I got you a Nespresso.

What's the deal here, Linda?

You're treating this
gig like it's a reward,

and I can't help feeling
it's more of a punishment.

Mm, why's that?

Maybe because you gave my Max
job to an unqualified child?

You say unqualified, I
say differently qualified.

Tamika is the right face for the moment.

You got a diversity grant, didn't you?

It was huge.

And win-win.

I mean, I can't think of a person
more suited to run this place.

You obviously don't
care what people think,

and you're very unyielding.

- Ice queen?
- Hmm, yeah. I was gonna say "warden,"

but if that's the title you
want, we will make it work.

We're gonna get you a little plaque.

And this is your queendom.

Thank you.

Here they are.

It's so quiet.

They are much more
docile, compared to Max.

Our red uniforms are for Level Two,

people with felony
convictions, etcetera.

Orange are our Level
Ones, our non-criminals.

So they're in orange,
but they're not criminals?

Well, they are criminals.
They're here, right?

- They came to our country illegally.
- That's exactly right, Carlos.

Carlos Litvack, Natalie
Figueroa, our new warden.

Mr. Litvack is head of ICE
here at PolyCon Detention.

ICE handles the processing,
the legal, the deportation.

And PolyCon handles the
housing and the feeding.

- What's with the bird?
- Cute, right?

Flew in here a few days ago.

Keeps the ladies entertained, so
we, uh, decided not to deport it.

Do any of them speak English?

Some, though most favor Español.

Majority are from Mexico, followed
by El Salvador, Honduras, Guatemala.

Then we have your others.

Your, uh, Haitians, your
Jamaicans, general Africans.

Of course, there's your
Asian nerds, your cool Asians.

But beware of the Plastics.

That was a Mean Girls joke.

So it's like the It's
a Small World ride,

but minus the joy and the singing.
And the line is just as long.

Some do-gooder lawyer-advocate
types told the detainees

who were working in the
kitchen that they don't get paid

and it doesn't help
their case, so they quit.

Looks like you have your first task.

Luckily, America's cheapest labor force

is just down the hill.

This is so unfair! This
shit should be legit a crime.

To have a dick like that.

He had a Make-A-Wish dick,
and he wanted to take me to LA.

I could've been a wifey or a
trophy wife or a Real Housewife.

All I ever wanted to be

was anything with the word
"wife" in it, you know?

But no! I had to say no.

And go to that stupid
fucking Indigo club

and get scooped up
with all these people.

- No offense.
- None taken.

What I don't understand is how you
even got into that club without ID.

Hello? Look at me. I don't
need an ID to get into places.

That's kinda like my thing.

She kinda looks like that girl from Glee

but with sharper lines, you know?

You know how hard it is
to get an ID after prison?

- Sorry, I'm not a criminal.
- What is your fucking problem?

People like you are the reason
this is so hard for the rest of us.

Bitch, I was born here. I
committed my crime legally.

Ugh!

Thank God you're in here.

You know what I mean.
This shit's brutal.

I need to get in touch with someone

so that I can prove
that I was born here.

- I'm gonna ask for my phone call.
- You don't get a phone call.

But there are phones right there.

You don't get a free call.

You gotta pay to set up an account,
and you gotta pay per minute.

Okay, well, fuck that.

When I get assigned my lawyer,
that's the first thing I'm gonna do.

You don't get a lawyer.

What? This is America.

Not in here.

It looks like a prison,
it smells like a prison,

but it's not a prison.

It's worse.

Okay, I get that
you're all Sally Sadface

because you're an
illegal and everything,

but that's just not me.

I'm not an illegal.

Sorry. "Undocumented" or whatever.

But if we work together,

we can get in touch with
someone on the outside.

Oh, wait, what about your boyfriend?

It's over.

♪ We're all gonna die! ♪

♪ Now! ♪

Listen up, arrimados!

Before the police come,

let's not forget why
we came here tonight.

This party may be illegal,

but that woman right there is not!

Diablo, Mr. Sexy Romantic,
made us throw you this party.

Congratulations on
the green card, Blanca!

Tell us how it feels.

Really?

Um...

Well, it feels...

Very good!

And, like, a relief.

And I know this is a
bit ridiculous, but...

back in Santo Domingo,

my mom and dad would argue a lot...

and our place was tiny, we had
two rooms, there was nowhere to go.

And I remember that song from
the show, Perfect Strangers.

You know, with Balki and Larry?

And Balki would have that "America
or Burst" sign, and I thought,

"Wow, that country looks amazing.
Anything is possible there."

And now I'm here.

All I had to do was change
a bunch of adult diapers...

fill out all the paperwork,
wait 12 years, and then...

Welcome to America!

But none of that matters.

I love this country...

because it gave me Diablo.

- Aw!
- Whoa!

Say something less fucking corny!

Shut up, buttface!

I love you.

Wait, wait, wait. You love me?

Yeah, I do.

Baby, I love you, too.

I've been wanting to
tell you for so long,

but you're so intimidating.

And now that you've said it,

I can say it.

Baby, I love you so much.

You make me so horny
when you're this cheesy.

Dude, you've got to stop
taking other people's puddings.

Why? There is a long history in
this country of pudding taking,

and it divides along
chocolate and vanilla lines.

Also, butterscotch. That's the Natives.

And that's why I...

- God damn it!
- ... eat this pudding.

All right, listen. All
it's doing at this point

is pissing off the senior citizens.

Let me ask you a question.

What is it you really want?

Ice cream. And justice.

It's not fair that because Cindy lied,

Taystee has to be in prison now forever?

For ever ever? Yes.

And it can't even be fixed,

because they won't even be
in the same room together.

Unless I can get them in
the same room together.

Wait. But they hate each other.

Unless I can get two people who
hate each other in the same room.

But why would two people who
hate each other be in the same...

Unless... No.

Well, they could... No,
that will never work.

We gotta come up with a real,
practical, real-world example for this.

- I got it! I got it. I got it.
- What?

The Parent Trap.

Ooh. Like when you tell
people that you're pregnant,

and then your friend's stepdad

gives you money for an
abortion you don't need?

I never saw the remake.

A goddamn roll of tinfoil?

Piper, you're amazing.

All I did was look up "DIY
sensory activities budget."

I can send you all links, if you'd like?

Please don't. I can't
research baby shit anymore.

Yesterday, I went online
to buy a baby spoon,

and six hours later,
I'm in a Google deep-dive

about how leaching plastics
are gonna kill us all.

So can we talk about
anything else? Please.

Okay. All right. All
right. Piper, you're up.

How'd the sexy pics
go over with your wife?

- Oh, yes.
- Good!

Great. She loved 'em.

It's amazing how a little nip

can bridge the gap
between time and space.

- Enjoy those while those last.
- Wait. Do those get ruined, too?

Nothing doesn't get ruined.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna pee myself.

FYI, that gets ruined the most.

Oh!

Uh, I can hold her while
you go to the bathroom.

Are you sure? I haven't
day-peed alone in a month!

Thank you. Thank you.

- Uh, go. I can keep an eye.
- All right, then.

Pass the baby.

Ms. Chapman.

Oh, what's going on here?

Are we baking some babies?

You see that? Vause is dealing.

Doubt it.

With the shit going down lately?
Her dumb ass is smarter than that.

Probably gunnin' for some curry love.

No, I saw something.
I'm gonna check it out.

What the fuck, Vause?
What are you doing?

You flushing your drugs, inmate?

Vause, I know what you're up to.

You wanna save yourself some trouble?

Tell me where you're getting the
drugs from. Who's your source?

- Or?
- Or...

I'll have 'em haul your
ass down to solitary.

- Okay. All right, all right. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Let's chill, everybody.
New warden closed the SHU,

plus there's no way for us to
know what we didn't actually see.

Yeah. It was a bloody tampon.

See? Just a tamp.

You think you've got this
place all figured out, huh?

Well, I've got a new warden
to impress, so from now on,

you're getting nothing
in or out of this cell.

Whoever you're selling for,
better let 'em know you're burnt.

- Exactly.
- Also, you should never flush tampons.

The whole pipe will back up on you.

Hi, T! It's Suzanne.

And you are courageously
invited to the...

- What the fuck?
- ... library for a meeting of the...

- Uh, the...
- Give me that.

First of all, this don't say
"courageously," it says "cordially."

And what's Suzanne want me
in the library for, anyway?

I don't know. Maybe she misses you.

I mean, if you ask me, I don't get it.

Was your friendship even that great?

Because in my experience,

the good memories from the past are
never as good as we remember them,

and then the bad ones are
worse than we remember them,

but our minds, they play these
games so we don't kill ourselves.

And we just keep doing shit.

Suzanne wants to talk to me so bad,

why don't she come and do it herself?

Have you met her?

She's weird.

But have you met you?
'Cause you're terrifying.

So why don't you just
come to the library,

and you go down that wormhold?

- It's "wormhole."
- No. No, it's not!

No, it's not. I'm trying something new.

I understand, but did you
have to surprise me like that?

Yes, I did. Did you forget, Ms.
Chapman? You are on probation.

My job is rolling up on people.

How else can I catch them
violating or doing drugs

or running a baby fight club?

I promise you I'm not
running a baby fight club.

I know. I'm just being funny.

Ooh! Snickerdoodle. May I?

Please. They don't eat flour.

What?

Well, let me tell you what's not funny.

It's when I rolled up to the restaurant

that my newest supervisee
told me that she worked at,

only to be informed that
you were fired last week.

I guess I was feeling so
badly about being fired,

I didn't want to tell
you that I had been fired.

I'm sorry.

Okay, you need to tell me immediately

when there's a change of employment.

So, now, do you have a new job?

Here. Nannying for my niece.

And are they paying you?

In room and board and baby hugs.

Don't be cute. Only I get to do that.

Will they be giving you a W-2 for
your taxes at the end of the year?

- I don't think so.
- Yeah, so that's not a job, okay?

That's a favor.

Let me keep you on
track, Ms. Chapman, okay?

We have a rapport,

but I can issue a warrant
for your arrest if need be.

So get a real job. Like, today.

Hey. The other ladies left

because they heard the
um, former-felon thing.

But, uh, listen, we are here for you.

Literally no one is here for me.

Which must be hard to understand
because you're not a mom,

but at the end of the day, we're just...

we're just not comfortable.
I mean, I am cool with you.

But this one... Judgmental.

So I totally get it, though.

Getting back on your feet
post-prison must be so hard.

And we support you.

Sending good vibes, okay? Okay.

Damn. That... that was cold.

Hey, Hellman.

Boo!

Does this bother you?
Doesn't this bother you, huh?

- Does this bother you?
- The fuck are you doing, Murphy?

Shit. Someone's not in the mood.

Not today.

Oh, that's too bad.

'Cause I had a lot of
time to think in the SHU.

Oh, yeah?

We gotta talk about Vause.

Thought it was Jefferson you'd be after.

Jefferson never would
have fucked with me

if Vause hadn't set me up.

So you're too scared
to beef with Jefferson?

I'm gonna deal with that crazy
nightmare in my own good time.

After we deal with Vause.

Hey, I'm not opposed.

That cunt flushed 1,500 bucks worth
of salt down the crapper today.

Oh. Exactly.

So you should get that cunt transferred.

Someplace wicked far away

where she'll never get to
see her lesbo wife again.

That's actually not bad.

I need to figure out a way
to get my birth certificate.

Show these motherfuckers
I don't belong here.

OMG! Look! Look, it's a turtledove!

It's... It's a sign! Of...

Of life or hope or fuckin'
keep on trying or something.

It's a sign you can get shit
on at any moment, even indoors.

I need to call... I gotta call
Daisy or my sister or my mom.

As soon as I figure out
one of their phone numbers.

You don't know anyone's
numbers? Not even your mother's?

I'm young, remember?

Plus, I don't really have a
great relationship with my mom.

And my mom doesn't have
a great relationship

with paying the phone bill.

So the only numbers I remember
are 911 or ones with songs.

Like, for pizzas and shit.

Oh, my God. I know who we should call.

- 1-800-Get-Sprung!
- Gross.

No, no. Seriously. You haven't
heard of that lawyer, Kay Sprung?

♪ DUI at night got you moaning? ♪

♪ Call Kay Sprung ♪
♪
And get off in the morning ♪

- You're sure that's for a lawyer?
- Yes!

Because I slept with someone
in their legal office. And...

it's a 1-800 number, so it's free.

Why don't you just get
this? Nothing here is free.

Not even a 1-800 number.

You need to buy a phone card
from the machine. With money.

Do you have any money?

No.

Do you have any money?

Yes.

I have $30 left from what
came from down the hill.

So come on! A lawyer
could help both of us.

Yeah! See? The dove was a
sign. The dove was a sign.

Nine... What? "Service
needed. Please call."

Machine of the Devil!

Fuck your mother on the altar!

Everything went to shit!

How so? Why don't you try it again?

So it's good? Look at it.

Sancocho tastes better to me.

Yes. It's good.

Not as good as my
mother's Olla soup, but...

... you're getting there.

Bianca? Bianca!

You should go. She's home.

Bianca!

Oh, fuck.

What happened?

I went grocery shopping.
What does it look like?

Now, come and help me
unload. What is he doing here?

Never mind him. What
happened to the car?

Oh! I was driving along,

and this mailman runs right out
of nowhere and right into my car.

You mean his truck ran into your car?

No, he did. He hit my car with his body.

Right out of nowhere, I tell ya!

My God.

I knew it was too soon for the
old bat to start driving again!

Okay, what happened to him?

Did the ambulance come and get him?

How am I supposed to know?

I left before they could say it
was my fault. It was clearly his.

We have to call the cops.

- No. No, no, no, no.
- Mi amor, I don't know about this.

You could get into trouble...

So could she! Huh?

And if she goes, I lose my job and...

Bianca, I've told you so many
times, speaka the English.

You're sure about this, my love?

Yes. She's a fucking cunt,
but she's my fucking cunt.

Stop watching me and help me unload!

I got these 12 for a dollar.

If you're nice to me,
maybe I'll give you one.

You know, go. I'll... I'll
call you later. It'll be fine.

Yeah. Scram, buster!

And then in the legend, I
put, "D is for Diarrhea."

Tell me, did you write
down every single thing

that happened while I was gone?

No, I just wrote down three things
that stood out from every day,

so they wouldn't all meld together.

Oh. Did you hear there
were two murders and one OD?

But rumor is that was a murder, too.

Reznikov, new work assignment.
They want you to run a kitchen.

Pick four inmates to help you
and give me the list by tomorrow.

No.

That wasn't an invitation,
inmate. That was an order.

I'll say it again. No.

Dwight, please keep reading
from your boring book.

Maybe that will drive her away.

Here's from a section
I called "Wonderings."

"What day is it in Stevie Wonder's song,

'I Just Called to Say I Love You'?

We know it's not New Year's
Day. We know it's not... "

I don't understand. Everyone
wants the kitchen gig.

- I thought that was your whole thing?
- Not anymore.

Oh, and Thursday's memory was
my grandmother's Vicks VapoRub.

Hmm.

I'm not the only inmate with
experience running a kitchen.

You should ask Gloria.

Gloria who?

Mendoza.

Suit yourself.

I don't understand.

The new Outlander season
ain't even out yet.

Oh! Wait. You went to the Dark Web, huh?

Mmm. I heard all about the
Dark Web on Black Twitter.

Well, well...

The fuck is this?

Parent trapped!

The hell are you doing, Suzanne?

This is your chance to
make everything better.

Now...

commence!

"Commence," huh?

Taystee, I tried to make it
right. You gotta know I did.

You gotta know I did. I went
and talked to the lawyer,

- but it was too late...
- Taystee, don't go.

Suzanne, I will throw you
across this fucking room.

Hear me out.

All I want is for us
to be friends again.

No! I know you're gonna say,

"No, no, that friend ship has
sailed," but I need us to fix this.

- What do you want us to do?
- I don't know!

Make your own justice.

I know what I would do.

Beat her ass.

Go for it.

Beat me up.

I deserve it.

That's what you want, huh?

Fuck you.

Taystee...

Get your last look at Morticia,

'cause we're about to say bye-bye-bye
to her creepy ass, thanks to me.

What'd you do?

That's for me to know and you to
witness as my plan slowly unfolds.

Or maybe you won't see anything at all!

All you need to know is
that bitch is going down.

What'd you say?

Oh, no. I wasn't talking about you.
I was talking about someone else.

That's what I thought.

See? We cool. That's my
Taystee girl right there!

Stop! Jefferson, stop!

10-33! Need help down here! 10-33!

Taystee, let go! Let go!

No! Shit!

Shut it down! Fight's
over! Shut it down!

Hopper, what do you
want me to do with them?

Well, we can't put 'em in SHU.

I don't know, Warden.

What do they say to do about
this situation in night school?

Uh...

We could, um...

Uh...

All right, lock them in
separate cells, alone.

Double up the others if you have to,

and we'll figure it out from there.

Move!

Hi! You're so pretty!

Anyway, listen. My friend
has money in her account,

but the kiosk is broken and
there aren't any more phone cards,

- so...
- Wait. Wait. Um...

Do you speak Spanish?

Uh, perhaps French?

English?

Yes, but you'll never know that!

Leave me alone, you rogue thieves.

Oh! Ugh!

Okay. Is it rude to wish that
more people in here spoke English?

- I mean, what the fuck?
- Yes, it is very rude.

Oh. Hello.

I could not help but listen in
on your conversation earlier.

See, that's sort of my thing.

Here's my phone card on
which I have $12 remaining.

When the machine is working again,

I expect a transfer of $30
from the wild one's account.

That's a total rip-off.

Yes, but I don't really know you.
It's $12 plus the risk I'm assuming.

- Deal.
- No deal.

Dude, it's $5 a minute. It
takes three minutes to connect.

Okay. All we need is two minutes.

- That's all my money.
- Thank you.

- Uh, your name again?
- Efua Onagbeboma.

Sorry, I do not shake hands.

Okay. It's, like, a cultural thing.

Germophobe.

Right.

Okay.

Hi!

Uh, yes. Can I please
speak... No, no, no!

This fucking bitch put me on hold.

Good day.

Yes. May I please speak
to Jason the paralegal?

Yes, Jason. The one with
the face and the cute...

Fuck! This bitch put me on hold...

Jason! Hi!

Yeah, it's Maritza. Maritza Ramos.

We met at the funeral.

Y... Yeah, you know, the club? The
one with the, um, afterlife theme?

You said I was the first to do
the wheelbarrow thing with you.

Okay, listen. So I...

I need a lawyer.

I'm an American citizen, and
I've been detained by ICE. And...

The fuck?

Hello? What the fuck just happened?

The card is spent?

- Oh, my God.
- Unbelievable!

Blanca, wait! Where are you going?

Nowhere.

'Cause there's nowhere to fucking go

and no one to fucking call, you
stupid, dumb, Colombian Barbie.

Okay. One, I'm Colombian-American.

And two, what does my
hotness have to do with this?

Okay. Listen, listen.

We have to stay positive.

Okay? T... Think about our bird of hope!

You wasted our last fucking opportunity.

Just leave me alone. Okay?

I can't believe, of all
people, that you're giving up!

You are the stankass who
pissed herself back at camp

so the guards wouldn't touch you.

Bitch, you stood on tables.

That's not who I am anymore.

I already had nothing,

and now I have less than
nothing because of you, dumbass.

Don't blame me because your
boyfriend abandoned you.

At least I'm trying!

Well, stop! Stop trying!

Stop hoping.

Because look around you.
Nobody is coming for us.

And it's not a fucking
dove, you fucking idiot!

It's a pigeon.

Okay. Pigeon, dove... It's
the same fucking thing!

No, it's not.

Nobody gives a fuck about pigeons.

- Hello?
- Hello.

Baby? Baby, it's me.

Blanca?

Oh, my God! I'm so relieved to hear you.

What happened? Why haven't
you called? I don't understand.

I don't understand, either.

They're not telling us anything.

ICE grabbed me outside of Litchfield,

and now I'm in Arizona.

Well, no problem. I'm coming tomorrow.

I'll borrow money and drive there.

It's not worth it.

They just keep transferring
people for no reason.

I'm asking them

why they're doing all this,
but no one will tell me.

And they are treating us...

They're just treating us so...

I don't know why this is happening.

Me neither.

I'm sorry, baby.

I know I ruined everything for us

before because of that old cunt.

And it was one thing when you wanted
to wait the two years for me...

But this?

You can't keep waiting forever.

No, my love, don't say that.

We've gotten through
everything else in the past.

We're gonna get through this, too. Okay?

What's a few more months

while we figure this out?

We have the rest of our lives together.

We're gonna try heroin
when we're 80, remember?

We're gonna have our
own washer and dryer.

And a dog named...

Mojito.

Baby...

I love you very much. Tell me...

Uh, what... what can
I do? I need to know.

Okay. Get a pen.

I'm gonna give you my alien number.

Use it to track me online.

Find out what happened
to the "permanent"

in my "permanent resident" status.

Hang tight, my beautiful dove.

- Wardy Ward, wait up!
- Don't call me that.

What's up, Hellman?

Hey, don't mind Hopper today. He's
under a lot of pressure lately.

Oh! He's under a lot of pressure?

Yeah, yeah. But listen,
I think I can help you.

I've been looking at this whole
situation, you want my opinion?

You need to transfer Vause.

Vause?

Trust me, it's for her protection.

I mean, if you look at it,
she's the root of all this stuff.

Murphy and her crew have it out for her.

It's only a matter of time before
she leaves here on a stretcher.

Now... Now, I know you
have a lot on your plate,

so I already filled out the request.
All's you have to do is sign it.

Sure, I'll take a look.

Awesome. Just looking out for you.

I think another incident like
that free-for-all back there

would be a bad look for the new warden.

And by the way, I love
that blazer on you.

So is it everything
you thought it would be?

What are you doing here?

Grabbing a few things. The
new place is really bare bones.

So, how was your first day?

Good. Good.

Oh, this.

Workplace hazard, you know?

God damn it!

How the hell do you
ever adjust this thing?

You can't. It's broken.

I put in a request months ago.

Fuck.

You are not gonna last
long around this place

if a broken chair sends you
into that kind of tailspin.

It's not about the stupid chair.

Can I ask you an honest question?

Only if you want an unyielding answer.

I only got this job because I'm black...

right?

Pretty much.

And I only had it because I'm a woman.

And I only got the new job
because I'm a fucking bitch.

Look, it doesn't really
matter how we get the job.

What matters is what
we do once we have them.

That your suggestion box?

Yeah.

Cute.

Here's my suggestion.

Do whatever the fuck you want.

And get a better blazer.

Red! What are you doing?

I've been looking all
over the place for you.

The sound of the tumble
noise is very soothing.

You know, they came by my
cell, offered me the kitchen.

But I also know you turned it down.

And they say Russians are
the ones to leak things.

Since when do you voluntarily
give kitchens to me?

Gloria...

I don't think I can do it.

Something happened to me in that box.

I left part of myself in there.

How are you okay?

I don't think that I am.

But...

I think the way we get back to...

who we were before is by
doing the things we did before.

You know what I mean?

Before what?

The SHU? Prison?

America?

Listen, I want the kitchen, but
only if you're there with me.

That's how we get those
parts of ourselves back, Red.

Maybe we can, um...

get some of the old gang together again.

Nicky and Lorna.

Norma and Gina.

Norma and Gina aren't here.

No, of course.

So it'll be like old times?

Yeah.

I'll run the kitchen, and
you'll be my lieutenant.

Oh! I see how you Russians work.

You say communism, but
you mean dictatorship.

Suzanne, what the hell are you
doing? You're gonna get a shot.

I'm sad.

I'm sad and I don't feel better,

and neither does Cindy,
and neither does Taystee,

and nothing ever makes me feel better.

Shh! Let's just think.
Let's think about this.

There's got to be some way
that we can make this right.

Tell me, does anything else happen

in any of these other
movies you've seen?

I don't know.

All I know is that this
terrible thing happened

and there is no going back
unless we do an Outlander

and go through the
stone of Craigh na Dun...

- Then, tell me what happened at camp.
- I can't tell you anything.

- Cindy told me not to tell anyone.
- Fine.

She told you not to
tell any persons, but...

can you tell me?

Hm? I mean, technically,
I'm not a person,

seeing as I have no
blood or vital organs.

You promise, promise,
never to repeat this?

Oh, I promise, promise.

Okay.

So...

I brought donuts.

Your mother has me doing the Whole30.

I don't know what that is.

Prison, remember?

Yeah. Trust me, I'll never forget.

So, if you brought the donuts,

I take it you're able to pay
me back the $50 you borrowed?

Soon. So soon.

Do you remember that summer I
interned for you in high school?

I was wondering if I
could do that again.

But as a job. If you'd hire me.

Piper, I don't think my clients are
gonna be comfortable with a felon

looking through their
credit information.

I'll file, make copies,
make coffee, make anything.

I want to pay you back.

For everything.

So I'm supposed to help you pay me back?

Yep.

Because I'm still your daughter.

Because life isn't long
enough for us to be like this.

Maybe this is the
beginning of a road back.

There's gotta be a way back.

I have been meaning to, uh,
digitize all my old files.

How are you with minutiae and
following direction? Good. Very good.

Prison, remember?

Please get rid of this donut.

Any notes on my performance yesterday?

Maybe the whole getting-in-my-face
part was a bit on the nose,

but I think Hellman bought it.

He bought it. He was so pissed,

he actually ate all the
burritos he brought in.

By the way, I got the stuff.

Raided my mom's medicine cabinet.

I'm not sure what those are,

and some might be
expired, but it's a start.

A random assortment of pills?

This one says "Centrum Complete."

Have you seen the people in here?

I'd think a multivitamin
would be a hot commodity.

You need heroin or something good.

Fine. Sell heroin from
where you get heroin from.

I get it from you.

Well, I don't know how to get heroin.

Then how did you think
this was gonna work

when you roped me into
your fucking scheme?

And why did I actually flush the drugs?

I don't know. It had to look real.

I'm sorry I don't know how
to procure heroin, okay?

I'm one of the good ones.
This is all new to me.

Not anymore. You're forcing
me to sell drugs for you.

Look,

things are a little tough right now
and I really need the money, okay?

It's a long story. I just... I
need it. So just sell the pills.

Or else...

All right, look, there is...
There is another thing we can do.

You know how everyone has
a phone in here, right?

You know what they don't have?

Headphones.

Jesus. You are bad at this.

They don't have juice.

Badison sold everyone a phone,

but it's so hard to get a charge
in here without getting caught.

If you could bring in those
portable charger things,

we could make a mint.

And it's not a felony.

We charge people to charge.

I'll go to a Target.

Or is this more of a
Costco type of thing?

Either way, I'll go right after work.

Actually, I can't go right after work...

- I don't need to know your life.
- Okay.

And, I mean, when Jefferson

gave that right cross
to Murphy's face? Yowza.

Morning.

Hopper, take a look.

Making some changes around here.

Great, let's hope you've
come to your senses.

You're reopening the SHU?

Nope. Making strategic
inmate transfers instead.

Move Tasha Jefferson back to D-Block
and Cindy Hayes over to Florida.

Oh, and, Hellman, about Vause...

Thanks for the suggestion.

But I looked into it, and it's
Murphy who keeps getting jumped.

That's why she's being
transferred to Missouri.

Ward, this is crazy.
You can't do all this!

Tell me again what I can't do.

Oh, and, Dixon, carry this
chair down to my office for me.

Yes, ma'am.

Hopper, sorry.

Hey, um, thanks for
adding me to your new crew.

You were always one of my best girls

and, frankly, you're the only one left.

Oh, we missed you, Red. And
Sterling missed you, too.

Sterling?

That's right. You don't
even know who he is yet.

You gotta see this kid, Red.

Yes, of course. I can't wait
to see this little yozhik.

It's good to have you back.

Hey, yo, Blake, I know I'm
not the boss of this place,

but isn't the kitchen back that way?

Kitchen? I was told
to take you to the van.

Well, maybe it's a good surprise.

Like a outdoor barbecue-type situation.

Oh, right. I'll just
add that to the list

of good prison surprises we've all had.

"US Marshal"?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. What's this?

- Where you taking us?
- Relax. It's not your ride.

Coming through!

Please, don't do this. I
don't know anyone in Missouri.

Then maybe you should
have been Goodison.

Don't tell me those
bitches are coming with me.

Nope, just you.

- Please.
- Nah.

Fuck!

I'm so confused. Where are we going?

This way my sister will
know it's really me.

You think someone would forge your
letter from a detention center?

You wouldn't understand. I've had
a lot of stalkers over the years.

Right. Because of your face?

And my body.

Excuse me. Where is the outgoing mail?

It's over there. But you need
to put a stamp on it first.

Okay. Well, where do I get a stamp?

At the kiosk.

But the kiosk is broken.

Which is why I couldn't
get a phone card,

which is why I wrote a letter.

This was before I made a real
enemy by stealing this envelope

and after I traded in
my food for the paper

and my socks for the pen.

And now you're saying that
there's no more stamps?

Wish I could help.

Let's go. It's not worth it.

I don't wanna hear it.

I wasn't gonna say it.

Baby, are you crying?

Oh, my love.

You look beautiful.

You do, too.

All right, enough with
the PDA. Talk or walk.

Bueno, baby, I looked into it.

I used all the coffee can money

and got an appointment
with an immigration lawyer.

And? What did they say?

It's not good.

She says that your green
card's been invalidated

because you committed
a deportable offense.

For covering up for the
old lady's hit-and-run?

No, it wasn't that.

She said it was because you pled guilty

to being an organizer in the riot.

That's why they didn't
give me extra time.

To set me up with this shit!

I know, I know. But it doesn't matter.

Baby, no matter what...

we will figure this out.

What if they deport me
back to Santo Domingo?

I haven't been there in 15 years...

Baby, I won't let them.

Besides, now that you're in Litchfield,

at least I can visit, right?

My love, at least here I can touch you.

It's been so long since I've
been able to touch your skin.

Mr. Zuniga?

You got any other form of
documentation with you today?

A license or a passport?

I was told I didn't need that.
That my New York ID's enough.

Right, but part of our protocol

is we cross-reference
the immigration status

with all the visitors in
and out of our facility.

And yours came up flagged for us.

Flagged? Flagged for what?

Only asking some questions here,
sir. No need to raise your voice.

He did not raise his voice.

No, listen. Please, okay?

I'm a legal permanent
resident. I've got a green card.

Did I say step forward?

You do not step forward
until I tell you to.

Can you produce that card for me?

I... I didn't bring it with me. It's
expired. I'm waiting on a new one.

But you just finished
saying you were legal.

- I am.
- But if your green card's expired,

then you're not actually
a legal permanent resident.

Tell you what.

We're gonna bring you into
processing as we sort this out.

And if there's no problem, like you say,

there's not gonna be a problem.

And if that's the case, we'll
have you on your way soon.

- So, come on.
- No, stop.

No, no, you can't do this! Hold on.

You can't do this!
He didn't do anything!

I'm scared. Yeah.

No one even knows where we are.

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