Original subtitles

Go go. Put that in the pan.

And the food! Food their greatest weapon, eh?

Stir!

Stir it or it'll burn. It'll burn. Stir.

-Hey. -Hi.

You're not dressed.

You still look good. I mean, I would still...

-Aren't we going out? -No, we're friends. I made us dinner.

-Really? -Come in.

-Okay. These are for you. -Thank you.

-How you doing? -Hi. Oh. Hi.

-Thank you. -Yeah.

-Oh wow, vinegar. -Yeah, it's Italian.

-Interesting. -This is not what I expected.

-How's that? -You got the fluffy couch...

...and the carpeted floors, it's...

It's kind of American.

I expected more of that Italian hot blooded style, you know.

Clean lines everywhere.

This place looks more like my grandmother's house.

Wow. You know exactly what to say to the ladies.

-Shall we eat? Before it gets cold? -Sure. Yeah.

-You need help with anything? -No.

Sammy? You cooked my fish?

-He's cured. No more pinkeye. -You cooked my pet?

-He wasn't your pet, Jake. -We were on a first-name basis.

What if I'd brought you a puppy?

I don't play games.

I dumped my first fiance because he lied.

Yeah? Wait. What about the second one?

He lied, too, but his was much bigger.

What did the first one lie about?

He claimed he went to undergrad at Harvard.

-And? -He went to BU.

-Oh, no! Come on. -He couldn't handle living in Boston...

...and not being able to call himself a Harvard man.

You honestly...

You dumped the guy that you were considering...

...spending the rest of your life with 'cause of that?

-Yeah. -That's kind of harsh.

He was my fiance. He shouldn't be lying to me.

So which one is he?

Oh, he's not up there.

I don't keep pictures of my exes.

There's not one picture of your ex-boyfriend up here?

No! Why keep pictures of people that are no longer in your life?

I keep pictures of everybody just in case I never see 'em again.

But why would you care?

I don't know. For me once a relationship ends,

I don't ever look back.

So what part of Italy is your family from?

They're from the north. From Palermo.

Palermo? Isn't Palermo in the south down by Sicily?

The northernmost part of the south.

They're very high... They live in the mountains.

So it's like... It's such a small country anyway.

Where do your parents... Where are they from?

-I can't say. -Why not?

-Were they in the Mafia? -Are yours?

Yeah. Come on where are they from?

-Is it really that important? -Yeah, it's important.

To an Italian it's very important.

They're from the north. Torino.

-I can't believe I just told you that. -Oh, yeah. Big deal.

Your secret's out. Maybe you'll have to kill me now, right?

-I might have to. -Yeah.

All right, so...

I mean, so you spend weeks or even months of your life...

...committed to someone and then what?

Like...Poof! They just...

-They're erased like they never existed? -You're a past dweller.

Fine, if holding on to memories makes me a pastdweller,

the, yeah, I'm a past dweller.

There's only three choices. Past present and future.

So where does that leave us?

You have a girlfriend.

I need to know your level of commitment to this relationship.

None! There is no relationship.

I'm being serious now.

Seriously, I need to know.

You do know. There is none.

I think I might have found someone.

That's great.

-I'm happy for you, Jake. -She knows about us.

And I told her, don't worry, I told her.

But... It's just...

I don't know, she's different.

She doesn't have big boobs and look like a supermodel?

No, no, she's got those qualities, too. But it's just...

There's something about her. I don't know, she's...

She's kind of cool.

Run through the wild with her Jake.

Make love to her in exotic places. You're free.

There is no us.

You keep saying that...

...but I just want you to know that once I'm gone, it's forever.

My timing's off I'm gonna run ahead and do some sprint work.

-I'll meet you at the bridge. -No, I'm coming.

-No, Jake, I can't run this slowly. -I'm coming. I'm coming.

Good run, huh? Feels good?

What are you doing running off like that?

You're a woman, you're gonna get raped or killed or something.

No, I could outrun them.

You're the one that's going to be somebody's bitch.

I'm just saying that it's dangerous, all right?

Competitive, aren't we?

Whatever, Flo-Joo.

-Wow, you look good. -Thank you.

The fish looks great.

Here.

-You got him? -Yeah.

-He's cute, right? -Is this what you want?

What, this?

-This, as in a lobster? -No, this as in your dreams.

I don't even know if I could answer that if I wanted to.

I just kind of take every day as it comes, you know?

I'm a present dweller.

-Well, the days are coming fast. -Yeah?

Soon there won't be any more.

Honestly? I never thought that much about my dreams.

I guess my dreams just kind of found me.

All right.

Well, the Napoleonic complex,

it comes from Napoleon denying that he was Italian.

He was pretending to be French.

He forgot, you know, that he was a lover and not a fighter.

That is why to this day my cousin Pepino in the bakery...

...will not sell napoleons.

What does that have to do with women?

Everything has to do with women.

An Italian woman, they will cook for you,

clean, iron, take care of the kids...

...but it is the man's job to make her want...

...to do those things for him.

-I think I can handle that. -Sure, sure.

You make her feel special.

You make her feel like a woman.

Like the song, you know.

It is the man's job to work, to protect la famiglia,

to make decisions, to pay the bills, the mortgage, everything tutto.

But it is the woman's job...

...to make the man want to do all these things for her.

-Capisci? -Yeah, but I can cover my share of bills.

No, no, no, no, no. You're Italian now.

Remember it is the little things...

...between the man and the woman that count, eh?

-Give me something about him. -No.

Tell me something. You have to.

-You don't want to hear about it. -Yes, I do. If we're going to be friends,

then I get to hear about him and I get to spew forth my advice.

My simple but profound advice.

No, it just feels wrong talking about, you know, such intimate things with you.

Pretend I'm a homo. A gay man, okay?

I'm just saying that way it'll just roll off of me, I won't care.

-Come on. -Okay. Okay.

-You asked for it. -I asked for it.

-I don't mean to complain... -But...?

-But he's kind of boring. -Boring how?

-Yeah. I mean, if I'm dating a guy... -Right.

...he's gotta be a step up from my vibrator...

...because that's a sure ting.

You know, I mean, it's not like I need a new crazy idea every time...

...but, come on, mix it up a little!

-Throw on an occasional video. -Throw it on.

I know.

I gave him some of my best DVDs.

I don't think he's watched a single one of them.

For example, the other night we were doing it doggy style...

...on the washing machine.

And I slapped him and...

-She did what? -Uh-huh.

All right, you might wanna rethink this.

Just ask yourself, what would a fisherman do?

She's out of my comfort zone.

-I would say. -Yeah.

Yeah, that is...

Here she is.

I had a break. Thought I'd stop by and say hi.

-Hi. -Hi.

-Hey, guys. -Hey Dr. Costa.

-How you doing? -So...

Wow. You know what? If you guys, if you cleaned up some of these boxes...

Gianluca, Gianluca.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! I got a system there. -Well, clearly not one that's working.

Jake. Do something about this, will you?

You need a woman's touch.

Don't you have any animals to heal?

-Some sick puppies... -Come on. You, guys, can help.

No, no, no, it's not in our contract.

We only do a half hour clean up a day, it's union rules.

-It's union rules. -Only, yeah.

Jake, take care of this.

-We're gonna get a beer. -Yeah.

They... He really does have a system,

-it works... -Work.

...pretty well.

Nobody's gonna spend this much for fish.

People wanna pay more.

It makes them feel like the quality's better.

-Spoken like a true woman. -No, it's all about presentation.

If your fish look clean, the sales will soar. I promise.

What happened? This is a disaster.

What the hell is this? We selling lemonade now?

You've straightened my pictures.

It's just, it's clean.

It's just a little bit cleaner, that's all.

What do you mean it's clean? It's like an operating room.

You cleaned my floor.

You could eat off this floor. This is awful.

It's a disaster.

-It's wonderful. -It was her idea.

So you're coming this weekend...

-...to the faculty dinner with me. -You serious? No.

-Yes. -No.

-I do not wanna go to a faculty dinner. -You have to. It's friendship duties.

Intelligent people bore me.

Oh, my God. Jake, don't start with me. You're coming.

-Okay, Mom. -Excuse me?

-You sound like my mother. -Well, you sound like a child.

-You're a child. -My God.

-Is your family still in Palermo? -Palermo? No.

-Actually, my parents are dead. -Shut up, Jake.

Seriously.

-Seriously? -Yeah.

-It's okay. I know you didn't know. -Wow.

But they died during my senior year.

-I'm sorry. -It's okay.

You know I loved my family when they were around. It was great.

My old man he was something else. He was such a character.

You want kids? -I don't know. I'd make a terrible father.

-No, you wouldn't. -Trust me kids aren't for me.

I have a friend who's got three children and she's always...

That's your girlfriend, Jake. Not your friend.

The point is, kids messed up her whole life...

...and now she's stuck in a marriage that she doesn't want to be in.

Wait. Your girlfriend's married?

Yeah. Well, I knew her before she was married though.

She's been in love with me all along.

Are you in love with her?

-Thank you, Mrs Vianelli. -You. You're slacking off.

I'd fire you if I could.

-You got a minute, man? -Yeah, sure.

-Right now? -Absolutely.

-Would you take over for me, please? -Oh, sure.

-What's up?

-Things good? -Yeah, things are good.

Classes are good and...

Yeah, classes are good.

-Learning a lot of new stuff? -What the hell do you want?

How much would it cost?

How much would what cost?

Counseling.

-Counseling? -Yes. Counseling.

Yes. What, are you a parrot? Gotta repeat everything I say?

Counseling!

Look, you're almost a psychologist now, right?

So, how much would a session cost?

-You want me to be your psychologist? -Yes! But...

-...we can't tell anybody. -Of course not.

I'm a professional.

But, you know...

Jeez, Jake. You're my boss.

I know. And that's why we gotta keep this between us, okay?

Very professional just... You treat me just like any other patient.

Okay, but I'd have to charge you 20 dollars an hour.

-Twenty dollars an hour? -Yeah.

I pay you twice that in the market! You go to school to make less money.

It's not all about money, Jake.

I'm just saying you use your education just to...

Okay. All right. Forty. Forty. All right? You want the session or not?

I think so.

-Good. -I think so.

All right. When do you want it?

-Well, when's good for you? -I don't know.

-Now? -Now works.

-Now works. -I could...

-Now? -I can do... Yeah.

-Okay. -Okay.

-So, what do we... -Why don't you have a seat?

-And I'll have a seat and we can start. -Okay.

I don't like this. Why don't we switch around?

-I don't... -Get over here. Get over here.

See, this is better.

Yeah. That's good.

Now. Like that. All right.

Here we are.

So, Mr Bianchi.

Tell me how your troubles began.

Do we really have to act like this? We're in a fish market.

Yes! You want a professional working relationship.

Please answer the questions.

She's six years older than me and then...

-She? -Marisa, jackass.

Marisa?

Oh, am I really paying you forty dollars an hour...

...just to repeat everything I say, Steve? Come on.

Fifty.

And I'll charge you even more if you keep on being difficult.

-That's what doctors do. -Psychologists aren't doctors.

Whatever.

If she is indeed six years older than you, Mr Bianchi,

I suggest to you in the vernacular that you dump her.

-What? -See this this woman...

...was playing tonsil hockey in the playground of life...

...while you were a mere spermatozoa in your father's scrotal sac.

Look, Steve, I'm in a bind here, man.

I got an entire relationship everything's based on lies.

-I see Mr Bianchi. -Bianski.

-I'm not Italian. -Coulda had me fooled.

And I'm not even in a real relationship with Isabella, so...

Oh now, finally, finally, we're getting somewhere.

Not a meaningful relationship with Isabella. But...

If I'm gonna make this work with her, I gotta tell her the truth.

No! Absolutely not. The truth never helps anyone.

See, relationships are delicate enough without the truth messing things up.

You see, the truth is like pure oxygen. It can kill you.

It's gotta be mixed in with other things.

What? Am I really paying you for this advice?

If you love someone, embrace them.

And if the truth helps, we'll flaunt it.

If it doesn't, avoid the truth like a plague,

like a pestilence that should be driven from the valley.

The valley.

Fathers and sons, they say horrible things to one another...

...that should never be repeated. Most of them truthful.

But what's important is how they feel. That's what counts.

You learnt all this stuff studying?

Come on Jake you don't get this shit out of a textbook, hmm?

This is life, man. Life!

And yours truly has lived it. Excuse me, ladies.

Look. Before I forget, I need to get off early tonight.

-I got plans. -Well, you're the boss.

I was gonna go down the community college and sign up for some evening classes.

-English literature. -You gotta be kidding me. You too?

Hey, I'm not gonna spend my whole life in this fish market.

I got dreams too.

English literature? You love fish.

Whatever, man. Go study Shakespeare. I don't care.

I always knew you had a thing for guys in tights anyway.

-Yeah. Well, thanks for the support. -You got it.

-She's taking me to her faculty dinner. -Don't go.

Intellectuals though I count myself among them,

are very cliquey if you're not on their level.

Jake. You should have at least have had...

...a couple of good years of sex before this bullshit started.

I mean, at a minimum, you should have seen her nipples.

-Hey. -Ooh! You can't wear that.

-Why not? -Because you can't wear khaki to a formal.

Let me just... Can I...?

If you don't want to take me as I am, why don't you take Michael?

Because I wanna take you. Now just look nice for me.

-Here. Try this on. -No.

-I can't wear that. -Okay.

-What about this one? -No! None of these.

-Why do you want a suit... -This is... Let me just see.

-That looks good. -Yeah.

What's this? This.

-Wow. -Oh, yeah.

These are my anniversary suits.

If you really love someone, they don't need something like this.

All right.

-Why don't you tell me what you can wear? -This?

Well, if it's good enough for me,

it should be good enough for your Ivy League snobs.

They're not snobs. They're intellectuals.

Intellectuals bore me.

I'm not gonna have anything to talk about with them.

You're gonna have a good time, I promise.

Yeah, we do all our neutering by laser now. We love it.

-What about spaying? -Spaying's a little tricky.

I think you still need the human touch for that one.

Tonight's a very special night.

I am happy to present this year's Vets Without Borders Award...

...for Excellence in Research...

...to Dr. Marisa Costa for her outstanding work...

...with the Italian greyhound.

Careful people. She's showing you up.

So here's to Dr. Costa, one of our most cherished colleagues

and her pursuit of knowledge.

You were getting an award and you didn't tell me?

You don't ask about my work.

It's not just an award. It's a grant.

A 500,000-dollar endowment.

Not bad for four years out of veterinarian school.

That's what I mean. Five hundred thousand dollars.

You're not gonna tell me that?

-You wouldn't have come. -I would have come.

What is it you do, Jack?

I work in a fish market. -A fish market?

-You sell fish? -He's being modest. He owns it.

-So you're a businessman. -Of sorts, yeah.

Speaking of business Susan got a promotion.

-She got tenure at the university. -Congratulations.

And a pretty nice pay raise. Eighty-five thousand a year.

That's it?

I'm just saying, I mean, you're a professor.

-That's all you make? -That's actually a very good salary.

-How do you live? -Excuse me?

I just mean, I pay that out in a bad year, so...

-Wait a minute. A fishmonger makes 85,000? -Yeah.

-Really? -It's good to be a monger.

The goal of North End Fisheries is to consistently increase...

...our annual profit margin.

I just recently raised prices in the shop.

People don't mind spending more...

...because they feel like they're getting a better product in the end.

As long as I keep my costs down, my revenues are out of the red...

...and into the green.

-Yeah. -Theoretically...

let's say you had some inside information from a certain veterinary researcher...

...about a new strain of avian flu...

that had the potential to kill off the entire feline population.

-How could I make money off that? -Well, I guess in that...

...horrendous scenario,

I guess you could make a small fortune...

...short selling the pet supply manufacturing companies...

...and at the same time investing in companies...

...that produce pet...coffins.

Anyway guys, I hope it was helpful.

I don't know, I just figured, you know,

if you're smart enough to get into Harvard,

you might as well be financially smart enough to pay for it.

You really think that guy's gonna call me in to be a guest lecturer?

Probably. He loved you.

Oh, man. Me the high school dropout a college lecturer?

It would be so freaking cool.

You think they were just humoring me?

Like I really just stuck out like a hooker at a convent or something?

That's your baggage not theirs.

Why are you so upset?

I'm not upset it's just, you know.

No. What's up?

It was my night.

But I was eclipsed and not even by my boyfriend.

-Come here. -No.

If I'm gonna be overshadowed,

I would at least like it to be by someone who basks in me when I get home at night.

Me.

-Good night. -Good night?

You... Seriously?

-Hello? -Hey. Can you buzz me up?

You need a slumber party.

I was thinking more of an adult slumber party.

No! Adult slumber parties aren't as much fun.

You just gonna stand there or are you gonna come help me?

You see that line over there?

The one that represents friendship.

I think it's safe to say that we've crossed that one.

-You know what Freud says? -Yeah.

He'd say I'd rather be making out with my mom.

-Hey! -Beautiful day.

Beautiful day!

How you doing?

-So. -So?

How's the therapy going? Eh?

I'm not in therapy.

Why would you even say something like that?

Oh, Steve.

He tell us all about your sessions.

But don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.

He told you that?

You know you need it for some time now.

Oh, Marisa! Buongiorno.

You've got the glow!

Oh, believe me there's no glow. It's more of a flame.

I don't care. Most historians would disagree with you.

I don't care what most historians say.

I lived through it. And I am telling you.

Italy was never part of the Axis.

-Yes, they were. -No! They were not.

Is this before or after the war?

Before or after!

The Italian people were always part of the Allies.

-What? -As for Mussolini himself.

That's another story.

Are you shitting me?

Is Jake here? I need to speak to him.

-What the hell do you want? -Look I just need some help. Please?

-It's not gonna happen. -No way.

Oh, God. It's been eight years. You still can't be mad.

Time heals most wounds but Jake is like a hemophiliac.

-No no. Hemophiliac. -Yeah, hemophiliac.

He still bleeds.

Yeah, well, he doesn't have to bleed anymore.

'Cause I'm back.

She's what?

It took you eight years to realize this?

Look, I'm sorry that I was slower than you but...

...I'm here now.

If you want me...

Just help me!

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, huh?

No. Are you kidding me?

This is the best day of my life.

This is what I've been dreaming of, right?

You don't act like it.

I don't know. You guys you showed up so unexpectedly.

I just wasn't sure what to do, that's all.

Well, be excited.

This is what you and I have always wanted, right?

Yeah, no, I know. I know.

This is all good.

We're soulmates, so...

-Hey, sweetie. -You gonna play?

-So, how's it going? -Yeah.

No, it's great, you know? It's...

It's everything I've been dreaming of, so...

-It's good, yeah. -Is it?

Do you want my professional opinion or my honest opinion?

-Which one's more important? -Oh, they both are.

-Then give me both. -Okay.

Professional opinion first?

I don't care, Steve. Just give me one.

Well, let's see. My professional opinion...

...is that you get the heck out of town, you get into your truck...

...and move to another state...

...and don't tell anybody where you're going, now.

-Come on, man, I'm being serious here. -So am I!

Her husband's gonna kill you.

He is. He's Italian, you know.

You know what? If you're just gonna stand out there and listen anyway,

why don't you just come in, pull up a chair...

...and join my therapy session, you know?

You asked.

Hey, Pop. Get the counter, will you?

-It's fine, it's fine, I left a note. -Him too?

He's gonna tell me everything anyway, so save time.

I ask you as a friend, Jake, don't pull us into this.

Your life is shit.

-How are you gonna keep any clients? -How are you gonna keep your balls?

-Is this a meeting of minds? -Yeah, something like that.

-Hi, boys. -Hola.

-How you doing? -Hey, Jake.

What's up?

-What are these? -They're just... They're some...

Fish tags.

Did the Girl Scouts write these for you?

No, they're... Like he said they're fish tags.

Yeah, you see this is a fish market.

-Is it really? Thank you. -Yes.

Well we're gonna go for a walk. You wanna come?

Yeah, I'll be right there.

I'm just gonna take a minute with these guys.

-I'll meet you outside, okay? -Okay.

Go on.

-See you, boys. -Yeah. Whatever. Keep in touch.

-Bye-bye. -Bye-bye.

I know a guy he makes problems go away.

-Your kind of problem. -Yeah, Frankie the jeweler's cousin.

You're never gonna know what happened.

You just know, she don't come back.

-You got it! -Hey.

-They hate me. -No. Yeah, they do. They really do.

-Do you hate me? -No, I don't hate you.

Hey! You!

Isabella, this is Marisa.

Marisa. Isabella.

You're Marisa? I've heard so much about you.

I'm gonna... You just...

Marisa!

Marisa!

Marisa! Come on! Marisa!

God! How are you so fast?

Oh, what a tangled up web we weave.

When first we practice to deceive.

Like the song says.

It's not a song, it's Shakespeare, Papa.

-Huh? -No, that's not. It's Sir Walter Scott.

No, forget the poetry.

Because right now you got an opportunity to exploit Marisa's latent lesbian side.

Now, maybe you invite Isabella to join you two in a little menage, hmm?

-A bit like a mini scrum! -Yeah, no, just like a scrum.

That's my boy.

Yeah. It's a good idea.

What? Oh, no.

We already fixed your fish. Sir!

-It's my son. Okay? -Your son?

-Just... -No, I have to...

-My acquaintance's son and I gotta... -Sir!

His pet is gonna die if we don't hurry up.

-Your antics aren't gonna work. -They're not antics.

I swear... We just... We needed you to help Chuckie.

Jake, these rodents carry diseases.

Honey, honey, can I have this?

Will you let me take this for me.

Just let me look at it real quick, okay, honey?

She's gonna help Chuckie, all right?

-Thank you. -She's gonna help fix Chuckie.

-Yeah. -All right?

My God! What are you...

What is wrong with veterinary caution?

Really? There you go. There you go.

Can I talk to you a minute?

What, you can't just throw a kid's pet in the trash can.

What kind of mother are you gonna be?

Well, at this rate, I'm not gonna be one at all.

But that rat is dead.

Then I need you to like cardiovert it or something.

What part of "dead" did you miss?

Just fix it! Okay?

Switch it with another one, he'll never know. It doesn't matter.

This is not a pet store, it's a doctor's office.

Well, it's a veterinarian's office but...

-What's this about? -It's about a kid and his pet.

-And that's it? -Yeah. That's it.

You knew it was dead. But you came here anyway.

It's an excuse. Jake...

You really think that I would use a kid's tragedy...

-...as my own personal gain? -Yeah.

You do look nice. That the sweater that I bought you?

Get out of my office.

Why are you so pissed?

I told you that I had a girlfriend from the beginning.

I thought we crossed that line.

Get out, Jake. Out. I mean it.

You knew that we were only friends.

Yeah, well, you know what? Maybe I just didn't wanna believe it.

Hey, buddy.

I'll buy you a new Chuckie.

Hello?

Let me speak to my wife you son of a bitch.

It's for you.

I tried. She doesn't wanna talk to you.

When I'm through with you, your balls are gonna be floating...

...in a Tupperware container.

Okay, just wait there a minute. Hold on. I'll be right down.

What?

You know what your problem is, man?

You don't understand women. You don't.

You know you gotta make 'em feel special.

Like romance 'em and stuff.

Buy 'em presents. Women love presents.

She's my wife.

Not getting anywhere with that attitude.

They wanna feel like they're the only person in the world, man.

Like, you know, like they're wanted.

I'm serious. You tell a woman one nice thing,

you can be banging her in no time.

I don't wanna "bang" anyone.

-I want my family back. -Hello? Am I talking to myself here?

I want you to have 'em back, too, man.

I got a room full of kids upstairs, you kidding me?

But you gotta win her back from me.

Otherwise she's not gonna respect you.

If you didn't want her, then why did you destroy my family?

Des... Come on. It's, you know...

People always want what they can't have.

The grass is always greener on the other side that sort of thing.

You're gonna get her back from me.

You just gotta chase her.

They love being chased. It's what they want. It's not so hard.

You're an asshole. You don't deserve Isabella.

I know.

-Or any other woman for that matter. -Oh, I know.

-Another beer? -Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Hello!

Marisa! Answer the door! I know you wanna talk to me too. It's...

Shut your piehole down there we're trying to sleep!

-Piss off, Blondie. -Honey, get over here.

-There's a crazy person at the window. -I know, man.

-I'm not coming down. -Just...

-Hey! -I need to talk to you.

-Then talk. -Sweetie call the cops.

-I think it's gonna fall off. -What?

-My cock! -I'll cut your cock off.

-My Johnson! -Jake, stop it.

I did what you said.

I stopped having sex with the sheep and then the chickens got jealous.

-Please stop it. -Get the hell outta here!

I let a couple of them. Come on, a little bit.

-Nothing weird or anything just... -Jake!

-I like to have sex with farm animals! -Shut up down there.

-Shut up! Shut up! -You introduced me to 'em.

Is it so wrong? Is it?

-Veterinarian Marisa Costa? -Oh, my God.

-Apartment 302? -Come in.

You drunken bum!

Hi.

There's nothing you can say that I wanna hear, Jake.

Okay, fine. Maybe not.

But there's something I have to tell you.

Go for it.

I'm not Italian.

Go home, Jake. You're drunk.

You're drunk.

Marisa! I'm Polish.

I'm watching you creep.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God! -Turn it off!

What are you doing?

-What? -Mario told me everything.

I'm leaving you, Jake. In the morning.

Then what the hell are you still doing in my bed?

I didn't wanna wake the kids.

Oh, this is just great.

-You read this? -Old Man And The Sea?

Yeah, it's awesome.

That's it. I'm turning gay.

From here on out, it's dick for me.

-It's genetic. It's not your choice. -Not true. Not true.

Freud says there's a sexual continuum.

Freud's not always right.

Pursuit of sausage, it's definitely genetic.

Enough! Okay?

Oh, do we need to explore anger management in our next session?

I can't deal with you today. You've both gotta go. Get out!

-Out. Out! -Hey, Jake.

-What? -I'll set you up with my cousin.

-He loves a braciola. -What?

What are you doing? What is he doing?

-Where are you going? Should have done this a long time ago.

-What are you... -It's for your own good.

-Huh? -Anger is a desperate cry for help.

-Get out. Out! -It is!

-Okay. All right. All right. -Out! Out!

Don't push. Ow! I said don't push.

What don't you understand? She's not here.

Fine!

-You can't be here. -I'm not leaving till I see her.

Then you will shrivel up and die waiting.

Hey. Stalker boy!

It's time to go.

I told you I'm not leaving until I see her.

You can't see her. She's not here.

She went to Italy.

Vets Without Borders?

I've been here all day long.

Why didn't you say something?

-We did! -We did!

She's my soulmate.

There's no such thing as a soulmate.

You only want her 'cause you can't have her.

When you met this broad, you denied the window.

Now you're stuck on the other side of it.

-I love her. -If you love her,

how come you banged Isabella?

I didn't bang Isabella.

Yeah, but you would have. You just didn't have enough time.

-It's transferring. -Transference.

You desperately cling to relationships that don't work...

...in order to hold on to your dead parents.

-Oh now, this is about my parents. -Yes!

It has nothing to do with feelings...

...or concern over finding a soulmate, huh?

Isabella is a literal metaphor.

There's no such thing as a literal metaphor. She's a simile.

Mr Walt Whitman here takes three night classes,

all of a sudden he's a doctor of English literature.

-Huh? -Look.

Isabella represents your parents.

Marisa represents letting go and accepting their deaths.

Oh, that's deep. You learn that at night school too?

You don't need night school for that. Try second grade.

-It's basic stuff. -Oh, basic stuff?

It's only the basis of modern psychoanalytic theory.

If you're calling Freud a second grader.

You know what? If Freud's theories are based on similes,

then I guess I'm calling him that.

You know what, Freud was full of shit. How about that?

-The first stage is anger. -I'm not angry, Steve.

-Then denial. -You know when I was your age,

they didn't have airplanes.

They've had airplanes since the 1920's.

Commercial airplanes been around since the 1920's.

Details, details. If you want Marisa, fly to her.

Fly! You know, like the song says.

-What song? -If they wrote one.

She's my soulmate.

They don't have air conditioning in Italy.

I don't know why, maybe they got it from the Greeks.

So you gotta take some newspaper, dip it in water,

wrap it around to keep it moist and fresh.

Got it? Now, Francesca, will take care of everything.

-But don't screw this up. -I won't screw it up.

-I like this girl. -I do too.

-And I want you to come back with this. -Okay.

-All right. -I'll kill you if you don't.

It's a beautiful ring.

Jackie, do me a favor.

Take this for Frankie and...

...load it up with a lot of costume jewelry,

so the customs'll never know. Okay?

-Go ahead. Thank you. -Yeah.

My cousin there he'll take care of you.

Alessandro has the finest fabrics in all the world.

Except for here. The cut...

-All right. Thanks, Silvano. -Ciao.

Hi. Do you speak English?

-Signor Bianchi. -Yeah!

Hi. Jake. How you doing?

You, Aunt Theresa,

said you could help me out.

Buongiomo.

You speak English?

You speak like a little bit of English? A little.

I need to find a guest.

Veterinarian Marisa Costa?

No, no. No, no.

She's Italian. I know she's Italian. She told me she's Italian.

So, there you go.

I need a room next to hers.

I need a, I need a... To sleep dorm mirr...

Next to her room. I wanna be her neighbor.

Perfect. How many nights, sir?

Marisa, I know I was a jerk.

And I'm sorry.

But I love you so much.

And I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.

Besides you lied too.

You're Spanish.

Don't say that, Jake. Don't.

Soulmates.

Hey. Can I help you?

Yeah. I was looking for my...

For my... Do you have any shampoo?

-Shampoo? -Yeah.

-Yeah. Yeah. Hold on. -Okay.

There you go. It's my girlfriend's.

-Your girlfriend's. -Yeah. Yeah so's the robe.

You know what, just keep it. I'll tell her the maid took it.

Okay. Bye-bye.

You know what I would love to do tomorrow?

Let's go for a hike.

I can't, I have to work. I have to be up at like 6.

Oh! Okay.

Well, you know what? Let's go get some gelato.

-Gelato? -Right now. Yeah. Come on.

-Really? They got cable. -I know.

-The cable here? -Yeah.

-It's like three channels. -I know but...

Did you see the German one? I'm sorry.

Jake.

This is Michael. Michael, this is Jake.

-Jake. Boston Jake? -Michael?

Hey. I've heard a lot about you.

-I thought he was limp in the sack. -I'm sorry. What?

-I'm just saying. That's what I heard. -Jake.

Will you marry me?

-No! No, get up. -Come on.

This thing's burning a hole in my pocket.

-I thought you two were just friends. -We are.

I miss you so much.

I just wanna be with you.

Hey, she said no, so if you don't mind, could you leave us alone, please?

It's our anniversary.

Two weeks ago this very day I gave her an orgasm...

...that you couldn't possibly touch with a vibrator.

-Enough, Jake. Seriously. -You're kidding, right? Right?

This is between Marisa and me. This doesn't concern you.

You mess with my woman?

Will you marry me?

-Get up. Come on. Get up. Up, up, up! -What?

Get up. You messed with my woman.

I'm gonna kill you.

Yeah and then, I'm gonna cut off your balls.

and I'm gonna have 'em bronzed.

What's with the balls? I mean, you Italian guys.

-What do you got a Greek complex? -Yeah, a Greek complex. That's good.

-Oh, no. -Rearrange your furniture.

-I like your peach shirt. -Oh, you like peach?

Look at you.

Hey. Where are you going? You're running in circles.

-I can do this all night. -You can't.

You asked me if I had a dream.

You're my dream. I love you.

-No, Michael, don't hurt him. -You want a hug?

-Marisa. -Good morning.

Where am I?

Are you okay?

Did I win?

Yeah. You won.

-Now get up. -You get up.

-We're going for a run. -No way.

I can't take another ass kicking.

You don't have to humor me. You can run ahead if you want.

-Your poor face.

I'm fine. Promise.

-I don't remember your answer. -My answer?

Well, are you going to marry me?

-Can you beat me to the rocks? -No.

-Well, could you at least try? -Are you... I don't wanna...

You know no one's gonna buy your philosophical bullshit, don't you?

Sure they will! A psychologist who's more screwed up than his patients?

How can anyone not be cured?

Steve, why don't you just stay here?

Go to Harvard with me. They got some great master programs.

Between the both of us, we could have psychology into the sixth grade.

No, no. I'm through with Boston and this weather.

California's got enough freaks already,

so I figured Arizona's going to be perfect.

-That's nice. -They don't know what they're in for.

This would make a great picture.

-Let's get one. I got it. -Yeah.

Hey Pop, get in here and take a picture, will you?

Just a minute, please.

Now your last name Baba? Baba.

-That's not Italian. -No, it's Romanian.

But Romania is called such because of the Roman history.

The Romans went into my city of Lasi which is in the east...

-Have you ever been to Italy? -Yes, sir. When I was 15.

I worked in a cafe but I did not speak the language all that well, sir.

And a piece of paper.

You speak Italian?

A little bit I understand a lot. But I can learn more.

Yeah. Do you like fish?

Oh, I love fish.

I grew up by a river...

-...and I used to fish... -Yeah.

-Can you clean a halibut? -Oh yes, very, very quickly...

-...and very clean, yes. -Yes. Va bene.

Now most important. Do you like Italians?

Of course, I love Italians. Everybody wants to be Italian!

-Oh, bravo, bravo! -You got the job.

-All right, all right. Can you start now? -Yes.

That's enough.