Original subtitles

05 Police Academy 5 Assignment Miami Beach - Comedy 1988 720p [H264-mp4] English

[SHOES SQUEAKING]

PROCTOR: There's somebody down there. HARRIS: Shh, shh. Shh!

Is he gone yet? Is he gone?

PROCTOR: Sir, he's gone. HARRIS: Okay, let's go.

PROCTOR: Yo, anybody home?

HARRIS: Shh! Idiot.

[WHISPERING] Close the door.

- You know what to look for, right? PROCTOR: Yeah. No. A light switch?

HARRIS: Please try not to be such an idiot.

PROCTOR: Ow!

- I'm okay. HARRIS: Nobody asked.

[MIMICS GHOST MOANING]

He's not here.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Who?

- Commissioner Hurst. HARRIS: Of course he's not here.

It's 3:00 in the morning. That's the point.

- Maybe we should have called first. - Proctor.

If I'd wanted the commissioner to watch me while I looked at his files...

I could have come in during the day and made an appointment.

Wait a minute. You mean we're breaking and entering illegally?

- We are breaking the law? - No, no, no.

We are not breaking the law.

We are merely stretching it a little.

Oh!

[GROANING]

It's okay to break the law if you have a good reason...

like a note from your doctor or mom or something.

We are not breaking the law.

We are stretching it.

Do you get it?

- Uh, not really, sir. - I got a note in my pocket, okay?

Okay. Why didn't you just say that?

[WHIMPERS]

Commissioner Hurst...

[LAUGHING]

"Commandant Eric Lassard." Heh.

Well, there he is. Heh.

For years you have kept me from my rightful place...

as commandant of the police academy.

You always manage to come out on top somehow, don't you, huh?

I know that there is something in this file...

that is going to help me get the upper hand for a change. Ah.

[BOTH GRUNT]

Who's in there?

Commissioner Hurst?

HARRIS: Uh... Uh, yes. Who's out there?

Bob the janitor, sir.

Oh, I understand, sir. And I didn't see you here tonight.

HARRIS: I really appreciate that, Bob. PROCTOR: Yeah. Thanks a lot, Bob.

- Proctor. - Yes, sir?

This is it! According to these records, Commandant Eric Lassard...

reached the state's mandatory retirement age last year!

- Ha-ha-ha! - Proctor!

- Don't you see what this means? - No!

Proctor!

This means that Commandant Lassard...

should have retired from the police academy a year ago. Ah?

Somehow, this information just slipped through.

Well. Well, Well.

I find it my duty as a conscientious police officer...

to see to it that this file reaches the Personnel Office.

[HARRIS CHUCKLING]

Are we gonna have to break in there too, sir?

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Officer Katherine Page.

PAGE: Thank you, sir.

LASSARD: Officer Carla Grant.

GRANT: Thank you.

Officer Bill Baker.

BAKER: Thank you, sir.

LASSARD: Officer Bambi Brandon.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you.

Officer Kevin Wilson.

And last, but certainly not least, not in any way...

Officer Thomas Conklin.

Also known as House.

Congratulations!

I'll miss you, class of '88.

[ALL CHEERING]

Nice.

I've seen a lot of graduating classes.

And let me say that this is one of the very best of them.

Clearly, Commandant Lassard has outdone himself this time.

It's my privilege to announce that Commandant Eric Lassard...

will be honored as Police Officer of the Decade...

at this year's National Police Chiefs Convention...

to be held in Miami Beach.

This academy owes a great debt...

to the vision of Commandant Lassard...

which makes what I have to say next even more difficult.

It is with great sadness and regret...

that I must announce Eric Lassard's retirement...

- as commandant of this police academy. - Retirement?

Commandant Lassard has reached this state's mandatory retirement age.

A qualified successor will, of course, be chosen.

But the new commandant will have no easy task filling these shoes.

JONES: What are we going to do? CALLAHAN: Kick some butt.

HIGHTOWER: It's just not right. HOOKS: This is so unfair.

JONES: I've never seen him like this. - He was always so strong.

- The academy was his strength. - Now he's lost it.

It's just not right.

- Why don't we just shoot somebody? - Ha-ha-ha.

Commandant.

Ah, ah, ah.

- No. He ain't worth it. - Congratulations on your retirement!

I'm sorry, I mean on your award in Miami Beach.

Concerning your retirement, sir...

I want you to know how much I've enjoyed working with you all these years...

and how much I hope you enjoy...

your long overdue rest.

Well, I guess I'll run along and read my book.

Keep in touch, everyone.

[MIMICS GUN COCKING]

[MIMICS GUNSHOT]

[HUMS "THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY" THEME]

They just keep staring at each other. We've got to do something.

I know how you feel, sir. I was ready to toss in the towel too.

But then I met a man who changed my life. That man was you, sir.

He said, "Take what you have, however little..."

and do your best with it."

"Never quit. Never lose hope." That's the Lassard I knew.

And where is that Lassard now?

Right here.

By God, you're right.

I was feeling sorry for myself. No more.

I'm still being honored...

at the National Police Chiefs Convention in Miami Beach.

TACKLEBERRY: Affirmative, sir! - Go there with my head held high.

TACKLEBERRY: Yes, sir! - It will be my finest hour!

CALLAHAN: Duck! JONES: Get down!

TACKLEBERRY: That's the spirit, sir.

Good shot.

It would make my crowning moment only greater...

if my loyal graduates could be there to share it with me.

Miami Beach? All that surf, sun and fun?

Then you can meet Nick, my nephew. He's a policeman in Miami Beach.

We'll do it, sir. But only for you.

You have all given me new hope.

JONES: Way to go, sir. HOOKS: We're so proud of you.

If I cannot stay, then I'll go out in style.

Miami Beach, get ready.

Get ready for Eric Lassard!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

HOOKS: The fish!

It's good to have you back, sir.

[HUMMING]

- And I can assure you, this academy... PROCTOR: Whoa!

Under my administration, will no longer be a source of any embarrassment to you.

- Yes, yes, so you keep telling me. - Sir.

Clean office. My office hasn't been cleaned in a week.

- Janitor quit on me. - Aha.

- Excuse me, sir. - Ahem, commissioner...

I would like you to look at this plan that I have formulated.

- It restructures the training... - I don't mean to bother you, sir!

Here at the academy.

Harris, you may well be the best man for this position.

You may even wind up as commandant of this academy.

But you sure have a lot to learn about acting like a commandant.

[PROCTOR GRUNTING]

At least Lassard has the respect of his men. Whose respect do you have?

- Commissioner shouldn't have said that. - He's right, Proctor.

I know, sir, but... Aah!

He still... He still shouldn't say it.

Oh. No, he's right.

Being qualified just isn't enough.

Now, I know that I was born to be commandant.

It is my destiny. Proctor...

you and I are going to Miami Beach.

- We are? - Don't you see?

We'll go to Miami Beach and help honor Lassard.

That will show the commissioner what a big man I can be.

Huh? Ha-ha-ha. Proctor!

- Yes, sir. - Get on the phone. Call the airport.

Make a reservation to Miami Beach.

- First class. - VIP.

VIP. I'll impress them from the start.

That's brilliant, sir. Ow!

[PHONE RINGING]

CALLAHAN: Hey, Jones, pick up the phone.

Up.

[LINE RINGING]

When's Lassard coming back?

[RINGING CONTINUES]

I didn't know he was gone.

PROCTOR [OVER PHONE]: Municipal airport? This is Lieutenant Proctor...

of the Metropolitan Police Academy. Captain Harris will be attending...

the National Police Chiefs Convention in Miami Beach...

and will require two first-class tickets aboard your most prestigious flight.

JONES [OVER PHONE]: All lines are busy. Please hold.

[CHUCKLING]

I got Proctor on the telephone trying to book two first-class tickets to Miami...

for him and Harris. And he thinks I'm the airport.

Great. Just what we need in Miami. Harris.

No, no, wait.

Put him on hold for a minute.

Checking computers right now, sir. Please stand by.

[MIMICKING JAZZ MUSIC]

[PROCTOR HUMMING]

[HARRIS CHUCKLES]

Ooh! Heh.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

I'd like the number for Budget Rent a Plane, please.

OFFICER: Come on, pal. Let's go. MAN: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.

[MAN BELCHES]

TONY: Go!

Go!

Go!

SUGAR: Here, boss. TONY: Here.

Duck.

Quietly.

I said quietly.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

That's all right.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Ooh. Would you look at this?

[TONY LAUGHING]

Hey, easy. Easy, easy.

[SUGAR YELPING]

TONY: Get down, nitwit.

MOUSE: Hey. - Aah.

TONY: Nighty-night. MOUSE: Heh.

All right, let's go.

TONY: All right!

- You got the laser? MOUSE: Yeah.

TONY: Give it to me. Come on. MOUSE: Okay, it's hot.

[LASER WHIRRING]

MOUSE: Yeah. TONY: Mm-hm.

- Here you go. MOUSE: Sugar, here.

[TONY CHUCKLES]

TONY: Come to papa.

SUGAR: Beautiful, boss. TONY: Oh, look at that.

Yes.

Lieutenant Callahan.

Sergeant Hightower.

Sergeant Jones.

Sergeant Hooks.

Sergeant Tackleberry.

Officer Conklin.

- Thank you. - All right. Let's go.

[ALL GRUNTING]

We've got some time, boys. What say we find ourselves the bar?

- Sure thing, boss. - Yeah. Good idea, boss.

TONY: Watch it, kid! Watch it!

KID: Hey!

SUGAR: Yeah. Nice shot. Heh, heh.

MOUSE: Ought to keep kids on a leash. SUGAR: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

- Whoa! Unh! - Oh, no.

- What an idiot. - He's stupid.

[TONY GRUNTING]

Boss.

- Out of the way, buddy. MAN: Jeez!

MOUSE: Boss, you all right? SUGAR: You all right?

- How's my hair? - Beautiful, boss. Beautiful.

There he goes, boss.

Let him go. We don't want to draw attention.

MOUSE: Yeah, the diamonds. Heh. TONY: Shh!

- Are you sure my hair's all right? SUGAR: It looks the same.

TONY: How's it look? SUGAR: Hasn't budged, boss.

TONY: All right. Let's go.

Ah, Commandant Lassard...

I was very sorry to learn that we wouldn't be traveling together.

- Now, that is a disappointment. - Heh.

Lieutenant Proctor has booked us on a very special flight.

- VIP. Excuse me. - Heh.

VIP. I understand that you're taking an economy flight.

We'll just have to meet in Miami. I'll see you there.

HARRIS: Shame. WOMAN: Morning, sir.

LASSARD: Please be careful with the bag.

Flying makes him nervous.

Ah, ah, ah.

[JONES MIMICS DETECTOR BEEP]

Metal, please.

Come through again, please.

[MIMICS DETECTOR BEEP]

HARRIS: Hmm?

[CHUCKLES]

Ahh.

[MIMICS DETECTOR BEEP]

HARRIS: Hmm?

It's probably the buckle, sir. Here, I'll get it.

Get away from me, Proctor.

WOMAN: Thank you.

- Ha, ha! - Whoo-whee.

WOMAN: Come through, please.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[JONES MIMICS DETECTOR BEEPING]

Very funny, Jones.

Proctor!

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Will passenger Helen Avive please report to the ticket counter?

Hold on. Miss? Miss.

Could you please tell me at what gate Flight 1545 is boarding?

- Gate 24, sir. - Aha. Could you also check and make sure...

that I am in the special VIP section? The name is Harris.

There is no VIP section, sir. It's a private plane.

- Sir. - Oh. Ah! A private plane.

And you and Mr. Proctor are the only listed passengers.

Ah, I see. Our own plane.

Well, well, Harris. You travel first-class, I must say.

Well, it's the only way. Come, Proctor.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

- Bon voyage! - Ciao!

[SPEAKS IN GERMAN]

[ALL GASPING]

WOMAN: Oh, my God!

[ALL LAUGHING]

This is great! Our own airplane. Animals to play with.

I'll tell you, this VIP treatment is worth every penny.

[GOAT BLEATING]

A-okay! Ha-ha-ha!

Aah! Proctor!

Proctor, why do I put up with you?

Uh, well, sir, I think that's because my sister married your nephew...

- and that makes us... - Shut up, Proctor!

[CHICKENS CLUCKING]

Sir, they like you!

- Sir, what would you like to drink today? - Nothing right now, thank you.

Trichloroethane just doesn't have the appeal for me that it used to have.

I still depend on the old PR-24.

This old baby, it doesn't even break. It pulverizes.

I can smash anybody. I can hold them in a choke hold.

I have complete control over a perpetrator or a group of perpetrators.

One time, when I saw these three guys coming on from the left...

Eyes left!

Hightower, check this out.

[ALL GASP]

- What you got there, House? - There's an article here on Malone.

- I don't even like him. - Give me five points.

- You got it. - Excuse me, sir...

would you mind returning to your own seat?

- We're about to serve the meal. - The meal?

Ooh, ay-yay-yay-

MOUSE: Out of order. TONY: Let me in here. Let me in.

Jeez.

You've been waiting long? Great. She's been...

Come on! Other people in need here, you know.

LASSARD: Sorry.

I'm sorry. There seems to be something wrong with the sink.

Aah. I don't believe it. We're on the same plane.

- Boss, you know, we should, uh...? - What, are you crazy?

- We can't make a scene while we got... - Wait for your turn.

Come on. Let me in. Ooh, ha-ha-ha.

[TONY SCREAMING]

Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

Let me out! Let me out!

- I'll kill him! - No, boss!

- What? What? What? - Boss. Boss.

- The diamonds, boss. - Right. Right.

Jeez!

[TONY MUTTERING]

MOUSE: Here. Fix this.

[MIMICKING ELECTRIC SHAVER]

[MIMICKING ELECTRIC DRILL]

[MIMICKING VIOLIN]

Sir!

[COUGHING]

Please, sir. Your cigar.

You got a problem, lady?

[LAUGHS]

- Excuse me. - Now what?

[LAUGHING]

JONES: Okay, nice touch, Hooks. Yeah!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying with us.

We hope you enjoy your stay in the Miami area.

The temperature is a balmy 82 degrees.

I don't know what's the matter. It must be stuck.

- I'll get some help. - Okay.

- It'll just be a minute or so, folks. - Shall we help her?

HIGHTOWER: Let's do it. HOUSE: Excuse me, ma'am.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Thank you.

[GRUNTING]

[PASSENGERS CHATTERING]

Why, thank you, gentlemen.

You may all deplane now.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Attention, please. Passengers on Flight 183...

continuing from Miami to Caracas...

there will be a slight delay due to a small malfunction.

After we deliver the diamonds, a night on the town. Your treat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Stay the hell away from that old man.

- He's bad luck. Keep your distance. - Okay, boss.

He's a bucket of bad news. All right, now we can relax.

Whoa!

[TONY YELLING]

SUGAR: You okay, boss? You all right? TONY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- The bag. The bag! SUGAR: I'll get it.

- I got it. - I'm all right.

- Give me the damn bag. - You got it.

Let's get the hell out of here. I got people to meet.

- What is this? SUGAR: Looks like a moron convention.

MOUSE: That's a nice set of papayas. - Va-va-va-voom.

TONY: There he is. There he is. MOUSE: Who? Ugh.

TONY: Gah! Jesus.

I've read of your accomplishments, and I must say that our city...

is proud to welcome the Police Officer of the Decade.

- You're very, very kind, Mr. Mayor. - Our police commissioner, Dave Murdock.

He's in charge of the Police Chiefs Convention.

- Very, very pleased to meet you, Dave. - Pleasure's all mine, Commandant Lassard.

Mayor Thompson, I'd like you to meet...

Commandant Lassard's police commissioner, Henry Hurst.

How do you do?

And these, Dave, are my finest.

Good to have you here, officers.

NICK: Stop! Halt!

LASSARD: Good to see you, Nick. NICK: Hi, Uncle Eric.

That's my nephew Nick I was talking about. I'm very, very proud of him.

Agh! What's the matter? What are you doing?

[CROWD GASPS]

- Here's your wallet, sir. - Thank you, officer.

You're very welcome.

LASSARD: Nick! - Good to see you, Uncle Eric.

- Ah, I've looked forward to this so much. - Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Nick, I want you to meet my finest, my best friends.

Bill?

- Oh, excuse me. Bill? Bill? - Oh, Eileen. Ha-ha-ha.

Commandant Lassard, this is my wife, Eileen...

the chairwoman of our welcoming committee.

- Very pleased to meet you. - How do you do?

We've greeted everyone except Captain Harris.

- We can't find him anywhere. - Oh, he'll be along shortly.

He's traveling by private plane.

PROCTOR: Whoa! Isn't this fun, sir? Ha, ha!

Wow!

They look impressed, sir. I wish we had an elephant.

Hi!

Would you like something?

TONY: Mr. Dempsey.

- Your merchandise, sir. - Ha, ha.

- You got the diamonds? - Ah, yes, sir. We did like you told us.

We tore out the stones and threw that gold junk away.

- Good. Good. Ha-ha-ha. TONY: We hid them in the camera.

Uh-huh.

- It's gift-wrapped. - Ha-ha-ha.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- Is this some kind of joke? - Sir?

I got no excuse, sir. Somebody pulled a bag switch on me.

My boat leaves the country in 24 hours.

- You got till then. - Yes, sir.

DEMPSEY: Don't disappoint me again. TONY: Thank you, Mr. Dempsey.

Shit!

That crazy old man has our bag! All right.

All right, all right, all right. We search every hotel until we find him.

If we don't get those diamonds back this time tomorrow, we're dead.

We're dead! We're dead. Oh, ho, we're dead. We're dead.

HURST: You give a fine tour, David. MURDOCK: Thank you.

LASSARD: Commissioner Murdock, what have you got planned...

as police procedure demonstration this year?

Last year, they arrested everyone above the rank of captain, put us all in jail.

Ha-ha-ha. It was all rather fun, really.

Now, Commandant Lassard, if I told you, it would, uh, spoil the surprise.

Let me show you the pool area and the rest of the hotel...

where most of our convention will take place.

It's a good picture.

I guess the uniform brings out the best in me.

Uncle Eric, are you all right?

I'm really gonna miss all this.

MAN [OVER SPEAKER]: Testing, one, two, three, four.

Testing, can you hear me? Testing.

One, two, three, four.

Is that okay?

HOOKS: This is gonna be a great convention.

They got crowd-control demonstrations...

new equipment, martial arts.

Ooh, and, look, a bomb-disposal presentation.

- You guys put on a good show. - Yes, sir, we do.

But it doesn't start until this afternoon. So this morning...

I would like you to see another show on a beautiful stretch of beach.

Of course, the, uh, pool is nice too.

- Pardon me, won't you? - Mm-hm.

Whoa.

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Attention, ladies...

the water aerobics class will begin in 15 minutes.

Show us how.

[GASPS]

Poolside masseur.

Mmm. I see.

- Enjoying yourself? - Oh, very much so. Thank you. And you?

Oh, yeah.

I just love it when a strange man puts his hands all over my body.

- You do? - Mm-hm.

- It gives me a chance to do this. - No, wait. Wait. No, wait!

[NICK SCREAMING]

[ALL LAUGHING]

WOMAN [OVER PA]: Attention, guests...

the water aerobics class will begin in 15 minutes.

NICK: So I, uh, guess I deserved that. KATE: Mm, but it was fun.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Hightower, okay, here we go. Come on.

[ALL CHATTERING]

I'll go out for a long one, okay? Okay, here we go. Alrighty!

Okay, come on.

Hey! Okay, all right. All right.

Here we go, come on.

I'll buy one. Okay, here we go! Come on! All right.

Hey! What's the matter, no arm? Okay!

[YELLING]

WOMAN: Andrew, honey!

Come on. Come get your sunblock.

MAN 1: Hey, catch. MAN 2: Hit me long!

[CHATTERING]

WOMAN: Aah! - Help! Help!

WOMAN: Shark!

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Desist and leave the swimming area now, mister.

- MAN: What's that guy doing? - Move it. Move it. Move it!

Now!

[CHEERING]

[MAKES WHIRRING NOISE]

All right!

HIGHTOWER: Way to go, House!

The secret to a great tan is control.

First, I use this Number 4 tanning lotion to give myself a nice golden brown.

Then I use a complete sunblock to keep those dangerous rays off my skin.

MAN: Throw it here, to me.

HARRIS: Some dickhead is standing in my sun. NICK: Captain Harris, I didn't see you there.

I don't think we've been introduced...

I don't care who you are, butt wipe. Just get out of my sun.

- Butt wipe? - Scram, sleazeball!

Okay. Fine.

Butt wipe, huh? Haven't heard that in a while.

- That was great, sir. - Proctor.

- Yes, sir. - Now you're in my sun.

Oh!

Woof! Woof!

[MOANS]

NICK: Let me have your sunblock, Kate.

Where's he going?

[HARRIS SNORING]

PROCTOR: Is this how your feet fit in these things?

Hey, I've never done this before. This is my first time!

So, uh, don't do anything until I wave my hand, okay?

- Whatever. - Hey, you got that?

[PROCTOR SCREAMING]

Hey. Hey! Hey!

Hey, stop!

Hey! Excuse me!

Ah. Oh, well. Never mind!

[YELLING]

Heh, thanks. I meant to do that too.

[WOMEN WHOOPING]

Thanks. Thank you.

Pretty good, huh?

- Oh, my God! PROCTOR: Whoo! Yeah.

Huh? Oh!

Hello, dork.

Hey, what's happening, dork? Ha-ha-ha!

- Hey, dork! WOMAN: Hey, dork!

- Hey, dork! Ha-ha-ha! - Yeah, dork.

Check that guy out.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

You do good work, Lisa. No question about it.

Mr. Mayor, excuse me, sir. I don't mean to insult your city...

but the people on this beach are very rude and hostile.

I'm sorry to hear that, Captain Dork.

[ALL LAUGHING]

He's an old guy about this tall, with white hair, always carries a golf bag.

- You haven't seen him? - He ain't at this hotel either, boss.

TONY: Come on, come on.

We are dead men. We are dead.

Three dead men, that's who we are. We are dead.

[CAR HORN HONKING]

- Where the hell have you guys been? - We was at the track.

- Mr. Dempsey couldn't find us. - He was very upset, you know.

SUGAR: Any of you guys want a doughnut? TONY: We got to find this old guy!

It's gonna be dark soon. We gotta look, find this guy.

[BAND PLAYING DANCE MUSIC]

[ALL CHEERING]

MAN [SINGING]: Limbo in the nighttime Where the island breezes always blow

Maybe then we'll find out Just how low you go

The music's getting faster And the stick is getting lower

Before the night is through We'll see how low you go

How low

Uh, can we get a couple of those potato coladas?

What?

Oh! And, uh, could I get a pink...? No, make it a green umbrella.

MAN [SINGING]: How low can you go?

Do you even know?

When it's all done Will you be the one?

How low

Drink up, sir. Bottoms up.

WOMAN: May I have a grasshopper, please? - Hi, how are you?

WOMAN: Mm-mm.

What a snob.

Snob? Take a look at yourself, you first-class schmuck.

MAN [SINGING]: How low can you go?

Do you even know?

When it's all done Will you be the one?

How low can you go?

How low

Change. Give me some change.

- Scorpio, right? - No.

Sir, can I get a cigar?

- Hi. - Proctor.

- Hi. - Sir.

- Hi. Hello. - Ugh.

- Libra? - Heh.No.

[HARRIS CLEARS THROAT]

- Well, you are a very pretty lady. - Thanks.

HARRIS: Ooh, that's a nice suntan.

Ahem. Um...

I got a little suntan today too. Ha, ha.

WOMAN 1: That's nice.

Maybe you'd like to come up to my room later and put a little lotion on it.

No? Oh, look at these cute freckles.

What is your name, little girl?

What are you doing, blowing in my ear?

- No, sir, I... - Scram!

- Bu... Bu... - Ach!

- My name is, uh, Thaddeus Harris. - Hey!

HARRIS: Maybe you've heard of me. WOMAN 1: Not really.

[HARRIS & WOMAN 1 SCREAM]

HARRIS: Put it out! WOMAN 2: Don't.

[WOMAN 1 SCREAMS THEN GASPS]

I guess coming up to my room is out of the question.

Ugh!

Women. Go figure.

MAN [SINGING]: How low

LASSARD: I won't tell anyone.

Is it a mock bomb threat? A robbery? Am I getting warm?

Eric, I'm not telling you anything about the police procedure demonstration.

- You're just going to have to wait and see. - Oh, well...

You have a fine operation, David. Thank you for showing it to me.

My pleasure, Eric. I'm just sorry that I made us run late.

All right.

All right, between us, we've covered every hotel on hotel row.

You guys. I want you guys to start South Beach.

We don't see him here, we'll start Northside...

and work our way to you. You got it?

You got it? Okay, get out of here.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

MOUSE: You squirted me with your doughnut, moron!

TONY: You're disgusting. You're such a pig! SUGAR: Boss, I'm sorry.

Pigs. You guys are such pigs.

MURDOCK: We better go right on in. SUGAR: Hey, boss.

TONY: That's him!

Come on, get out of here! What are you waiting for?

WOMAN: Whoa! Oh, dear.

MOUSE: Excuse us, Gunga Din.

SUGAR: Yeah, Gunga. MOUSE: Where's the boss?

- Hey, boss. - Boss.

- He's right there, boss. See him? - He's right over there, boss.

We grab him. We get out. Quiet if we can, rough if we have to. You got it?

SUGAR: Got it, boss. MOUSE: I'll take the big guy.

SUGAR: Both are big. MOUSE: I got the guy with white hair.

SUGAR: Both got white hair.

MOUSE: I'll take left. SUGAR: Your left?

TONY: Would you shut up? SUGAR: Okay, boss.

TONY: You got it? SUGAR: Got it boss.

Oh, come on in and register.

Uh, sorry, wrong room.

[CHUCKLES]

Best of luck.

MAN: The blue card is your lunch pass.

- Boss, he's a cop! - We're dead men, boss.

- Boss! - Shut up. I gotta think.

Would you two guys clean yourselves up? You're disgusting!

He's a cop.

Come on, Birdie. Let's get our little fish a little sunshine.

Where's my little fish?

Birdie, where are you?

Oh, they shouldn't have.

Splendid!

[CHUCKLES]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come on out.

Hotel laundry service, sir.

You got anything you want dry cleaned or laundered?

LASSARD: Nothing today, thank you. - Very good, sir.

Ah, this present has real possibilities.

There you are, you naughty, naughty fish.

I was thinking of having him put a little more blue in it...

Come on.

- A piece of cake, boss. - Hey! Huh?

What? What?

What have we got here?

MOUSE: Hey.

SUGAR: Hey.

Where is the camera?

[CHATTERING]

WOMAN: And Bambi's not going to take any flak...

when she wears this lovely camouflage flak vest. Right, Bambi?

Would you care to try it on, sir?

Ooh, handcuffs. Laverne, look, restraints.

Uh, excuse me, miss. Pardon me, miss?

[COUGHING]

HOOKS: Excuse me. Uh... Uh...

- Pardon me... - Oh, Hooks. Hooks!

Why don't you try this?

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

This works even better!

[WHISTLE TWEETING]

Out of my way, dickhead.

Dick...

[WHISTLES]

Weed.

So when you see him, go:

[MIMICS PARROT]

You know what I mean? Okay.

When you see the guy, all right?

Thank you.

PARROT: Hey, dork. Hey, dork.

Don't miss the latest in police holds and grips.

They will be demonstrated on five different mats.

We have experts demonstrating techniques in...

judo, aikido, tae Kwon do, hapkido and karate.

- Hey, Callahan. - Nick.

Excellent technique.

NICK: Is that Kate? CALLAHAN: Yeah.

- Didn't know she could do that? NICK: Didn't even know she was a cop.

SUGAR: Where is he?

MOUSE: Cut the strap! SUGAR: I'm trying.

Don't!

- Come on, just get the camera. SUGAR: Okay, okay.

MOUSE: Missed him again. Go around the wall.

[MOUSE GRUNTS]

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

KATE: With our next volunteer, we will demonstrate the choke hold.

[MAN GRUNTS]

We take him down with a sweep-down.

If he becomes aggressive...

[MAN GROANS]

We take his arm, turn him around...

into the stomach throw.

[MAN YELLS]

Next?

I accept your challenge.

Okay.

Let's see what you got, Jonesey.

All right, you're on.

[KATE GRUNTS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Huh. Very good.

Thank you.

- Hey. Hey! - Next.

Jones, look at that. It's a knife.

- Watch this! JONES: Did she say knife? Whoo!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

SUGAR: Didn't hurt. That hurt. - Hiya!

Brother, let me help you up. Here.

[GROANING]

Not bad for a beginner.

What a good sport. Next.

SUGAR: That's it for me, lady.

KATE: Come on, don't be afraid.

HARRIS: Make way. KATE: Ah, here's a volunteer.

Commissioner, fabulous convention.

- Fabulous, sir. KATE: Good.

- Now... Unh! PROCTOR: This is a great convention.

KATE: Next. I need a volunteer.

Whoa! Ha, ha.

- Thanks. - Hi.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

- Upsy-daisy. PROCTOR: Whoa!

Agh!

That's okay, I'm all right.

Ow.

- Thank you. Thank you! KATE: Next.

Thank you.

An authoritative voice is very important in crowd control.

Now, let's see how some of you people do in this situation.

Officer, out here with me.

The crowd has just broken through your police line, officer.

Move them back.

ALL [CHANTING]: Hell, no! We won't go! Hell, no! We won't go!

Hell, no! We won't go!

Hey! Hey! Hey!

- What's the matter. You think I'll hurt you? - Mm, yeah.

Just remember what I taught you, okay?

- Be gentle. - Okay.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Jeez, I, uh, guess I did that wrong, huh?

I don't know. This technique has its merits.

- Oh, well, shall we try it again? - Practice makes perfect.

Officer, your turn. Out here with me.

ALL [CHANTING]: Hell, no! We won't go!

Excuse me. We need to keep it clear.

It would really help us a lot if you'll just back up.

Back off, you turkeys!

I'm a police officer, and when I talk, you listen!

Now, get your butts the hell back there before I really get mad!

And no back talk!

SUGAR: We jump out of this. That's him? MOUSE: Yeah. Go out on the limb.

Let's get him.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

SUGAR: Where'd he go? MOUSE: Why haven't we hit the ground?

SUGAR: Physics.

[GUNSHOTS]

MAN: Way to zing there, officer. INSTRUCTOR: Very nice shooting, officer.

Agh!

[YELLS]

Excellent shooting! Excellent!

Officer, you need to share those weapons with the other officers.

No. I need these.

Let me talk to him.

Eugene. Eugene!

I'll get you some of your very own just as soon as we get home.

- You promise? - Cross my heart.

- Okay. - Good.

INSTRUCTOR: Thank you very much. Thank you.

Uh, Eugene, this one too.

[FLY BUZZING]

[GUNSHOT]

Let's go.

Thank you. Let's go, guys. Excuse me. Excuse me!

May I have an interview, please?

On three, two, one, guys. Hello, and you are?

Captain Thaddeus Harris of the Metropolitan Police Department.

Only a captain? Cut. Out of here.

MAN 1: A nobody. MAN 2: Looks like a waiter.

- Sir... - Not a word, Proctor.

- But... - Eh!

- Sir... - Eh!

All right. Okay.

Our 24 hours are almost gone.

We gotta get that camera back now!

Eh! Why do we need five guys to take a camera from one old man?

- Believe me, it ain't that easy. - Yeah.

All right. Boys, I want you to try this one on for size.

Let's just say we happen to be passing by...

and the poor old guy happens to faint.

Mouse, Sugar, they happen to catch him. They set him down on the ground, huh?

Maybe they open his collar. Huh?

Maybe they slip that nasty camera off his neck.

- Hey, that is a great plan, boss. - Very good. Ha-ha-ha.

If the old man faints.

Hey! Hey! He'll faint.

Julio will make sure of that. Go on, Julio, show them.

We'll give him a shot, make him go night-night.

- That's a pretty good plan, boss. - Boss, that's great.

All right, let's get out of here. All right, come on.

Come on, come on.

MOUSE: Come on, Sugar.

We only have about 10 more minutes of this.

HURST: Lassard, congratulations!

LASSARD: Thank you so much. HURST: Commissioner.

Let me just... Here you go.

Commissioner, could I get a picture...

of you congratulating Commandant Lassard?

- Of course, certainly. Yes. PHOTOGRAPHER: Thank you.

Photo opportunity.

- Stay. PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah.

[GROANS]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Thank you.

WOMAN: Commandant, I just want to say hello and congratulations.

We'll get him next time, boss. We'll see to it. We'll get it.

It wasn't our fault.

Excuse me.

Would you just give me my damn camera?

- My camera? - Give me my damn camera!

WOMAN 1: What are those? WOMAN 2: Diamonds!

LASSARD: You broke my camera. WOMAN 1: Diamonds!

[ALL GASPING]

All right! All right!

Nobody move, or the old man is history.

- Uh, boss. - What, what?

Ah. Uh...

All right. I want to see hands in the air. Everybody's hands up.

Now. Hands up!

Pick him up. I want everybody where I can see them.

- Get the diamonds. Get the diamonds! - Oh, I see.

The police procedure demonstration.

A kidnapping. How original.

- Oh, I am honored. - Shut up, old man.

Yes, of course. I'm sorry.

Now, we make for the elevator.

Anybody gets stupid, he gets filled full of holes.

Police, freeze!

- Cover me up top! OFFICER: Let's go!

All right, release your hostage...

put your weapons on the ground, and slowly put your hands in the air!

Well said! That's my nephew.

- Shut up, old man. TACKLEBERRY: Okay, mister, hands up!

Hi.

Nobody's gonna shoot. Not while I got grandpa here.

HIGHTOWER: Now! HOOKS: Too late!

Mouse, Sugar, get in the elevator!

- Nobody move! - No, no. He's bluffing, right? Right?

Right? Smart boy. He was bluffing. He was bluffing.

- He was bluffing, boss. - He was bluffing.

All right! What floor? What floor? Uh...

Ah, ah.

What's the matter? You got a problem with this floor?

I don't mean to interfere, but the commissioners are all downstairs.

I would use the penthouse. It's very defensible.

You're all welcome to use my suite. Allow me.

[JULIO HUMMING]

[SUGAR PASSING GAS]

What? What?

Ah, here we are.

[SUGAR PASSES GAS]

TACKLEBERRY: All right, I'm ready.

Snap it up with those blueprints. We don't have all day.

OFFICER: Here you are, sir. MURDOCK: Thank you.

Tackleberry, would you please stop doing that?

Sorry, sir.

All right. Okay, all right.

Now, they're gonna give us anything we want.

So all we gotta do is figure out the fastest way to get to Dempsey's boat.

I'm thirsty, boss. You got any booze around here?

- Certainly. The bar's very well-stocked. - Thanks.

There might still be some ice cream left in the freezer.

MOUSE: Thanks. You're really a good host.

- You're very welcome. - Ah.

Hey. Hey. Hey!

Do you mind?

Some of us are trying to plan our escape here.

- Sorry, boss. - So we are definitely gonna need...

- a boat at the harbor. - And?

And we're definitely gonna need a fast car...

- at the hotel back entrance. - Uh-uh.

What, what?

With the roof so accessible, you'd be a fool not to ask for a helicopter.

Pssh, ha! Helicopter? What a stupid idea!

No. He's right.

We'd be a sitting duck in that car. The chopper is a great idea.

- So we take the chopper to the harbor... - Then?

- Then we switch to the boat! - Uh-uh.

What? You don't like the boat? What?

- What? - What?

I have to go to the little boys' room.

No, this is a kidnapping! It's not a kindergarten!

Boss, he did think of the helicopter.

Yeah. Come on, boss. Huh?

All right, fine.

But make it quick. Got a phone call to make here.

SUGAR: All right.

Come on. All right! All right. Ah.

[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]

All we can do now is wait until we hear their demands.

I'm afraid you're right. All we can do now is wait.

[HARRIS SNORING]

Would someone please wake Harris up?

He's thinking.

Here we go, come on. Open up. Big "aah." Big "aah."

Tackleberry!

[GUNSHOT]

[PHONE RINGING]

Would you please stop doing that?

Sorry, sir.

MAN: Incoming call for you, sir.

- Hello. - All right. Listen up. Listen up!

I want a helicopter with pilot on the roof of this hotel.

And?

And I want a fast boat waiting for me in the harbor.

- Aha! - If all goes well, I see no cops...

I hand the old man back to you at the 12-mile mark off Key West...

as soon as we're safe in international waters.

We want some proof that Lassard is still alive.

- Ah. Your buddies want to talk to you. - Oh! Heh.

- Hello? HURST: Commandant Lassard?

Oh, Commissioner Hurst, how nice of you to call.

I do hope that you do your best to rescue me.

Heh, it'll only make the whole thing all the more exciting.

Don't worry, Uncle Eric, we'll get you out of this.

All right. He's alive. How long depends on you.

I think, in his own way, Lassard is telling us...

that he'd rather risk his own life than let those animals get away.

Brave man.

Sir. I realize that this is your jurisdiction...

but if there's gonna be a rescue attempt, we'd like to volunteer.

TACKLEBERRY: Yeah. HOOKS: Yeah!

Commissioner Murdock, I couldn't agree more.

I think it is vital that the rescue team know Commandant Lassard intimately.

I can vouch for the skill of these police officers.

After all, I trained them myself.

Must be the drugs.

All right, now this is the floor where Lassard is being held hostage.

- Captain Harris? - Yes.

All right, gentlemen. This is what I want you to do.

And you will do it exactly as I tell you to do it.

[JONES MIMICKING ELEVATOR DINGING]

JONES: You've tuned to Larvell Jones on the KWURST radio. And now:

[IN DEEP VOICE] The love doctor. I want you to come here, baby.

Aah!

JONES: You and me, yeah. All the way.

Come on down. Let's get down, baby, because I need you. I love you.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] That concludes our broadcast day.

JULIO: Aha.

[MOANS]

Whoa.

[JONES MAKES WHIRRING NOISE]

Why come I got the part with the steps?

I offered you the vent.

- Uh-uh. - No.

Let's go.

"Hey! Unh: - Ooh!"

Ooh, nice, Kate. Watch this.

[GRUNTING]

Okay.

HOOKS: A woman's work is never done. CALLAHAN: Come on.

Well, that went off without a hitch.

Where is everybody?

I don't get it.

The chopper's here already.

It wasn't supposed to be here for an hour.

- Someone must've changed the plans. CALLAHAN: Yeah, Harris.

PROCTOR: Your plan was brilliant, sir!

HARRIS: Thank you, Proctor.

By giving those incompetents the diversionary part of this mission...

I've left the real rescue to the experienced officers...

namely, moi.

I will rescue Lassard, and I'll get a promotion and a medal.

- Freeze! PROCTOR: Freeze!

- We've got you covered. This is the police. - Well done, Harris!

It was my pleasure, sir. Now, everyone, drop your guns! Now!

- Proctor, get down there and pick them up. - Yes, sir.

No, no, Proctor, no. Use the ladder. The ladder!

[HARRIS YELLS]

All right! All right, all right, all right! Come on, give him to me. Give him to me

That's right. Hands up, or you've got one dead dork.

Nice twist. They're really going all out this year, aren't they?

Get these guys to the chopper. All right, I'm going to my boat.

Tell your people, I see one plane, one chopper, one boat...

before we reach our rendezvous, these guys are shark bait. You got it? Huh?

- Where's Harris? - They kidnapped him too.

From now on, we do it our way.

We're gonna need some more information.

Well?

I don't know nothing.

Oh, I see. Well, I'll tell you, partner...

don't tell me. Tell him.

The boss said to wait here while he checked on the chopper.

Then you guys showed up, and that's all I know!

I swear, I swear, I swear it.

NICK: I'll tell the others.

- Can I drop you somewhere? - No! No.

[GASPING]

TONY: I'm going down now. SUGAR: Okay, boss.

TONY: You concentrate. Keep your hands on the wheel.

SUGAR: No problem, boss.

TONY: All right, all right. I'm coming down.

LASSARD: That ended my first career.

Then, when I was 12 years old...

I got a job as a box boy at the A&P.

That was a very, very exciting time for me.

I had many, many, many interesting experiences.

One day, as I was stacking canned vegetables...

I think it was petit pois. No, no, creamed corn.

Or was it maybe succotash?

[HARRIS WHIMPERS]

I can't quite remember. No.

Excuse me. Oh, excuse me. Is there any possibility...

that I could be held hostage by myself?

Outside would be fine. I don't mind the breeze.

What's the matter? You're not enjoying yourself here?

HARRIS: Mm-mm.

Don't you worry your pretty little head. You'll be out of misery in no time.

Wait a minute. What do you mean?

My boss's boat is waiting for me.

As soon as we meet up with him, I'm gonna sink this baby...

with you in it.

You'll never get away with this, you two-bit, filthy scum!

TONY: What did he call me?

- Scum. - Ah.

Well, perhaps you'd like to leave now. Mouse.

Ha-ha-ha. About that "filthy scum" comment...

Shut up, shark bait.

- Shark bait? - Hey. Shut up.

What strategy.

Are you quite sure we didn't meet at the Toronto Convention in '76?

You are one nutty old man.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Sug, how's it going?

We're getting pretty close, boss.

Boss? Mr. Dempsey should be plenty proud of you, boss.

You got the diamonds back. You did it.

Yeah.

I did it.

I did it. Ha-ha-ha! I did it!

MAN 1: Drop the line. MAN 2: Got it.

Mr. Dempsey, your merchandise, sir.

You're a good man, Tony.

Finish your business first. Then bring the diamonds and let's get out of here.

L... Mr. Dempsey, uh...

the dork, I don't mind, but, uh, the old man...

No witnesses.

- Don't disappoint me again. - Yes, sir.

Shit.

Sorry, Mouse, he wouldn't go for it.

Excuse me. Could I say something?

- Sure. - Don't kill me. Mm.

I won't tell on your gang. I won't say a word. You can trust me.

LASSARD: Mm.

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll shoot you second.

Thanks.

I just want to say that this has been a splendid kidnapping.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much. I really appreciate that.

And I mean this from the bottom of my heart. You have been one outstanding hostage.

Ah, my pleasure.

No, I mean it. Now I gotta kill you.

I understand.

TONY: Nothing personal. Just business.

[SINGING OPERA MUSIC]

What the hell is that?

Take care of them.

HOOKS: Out of my way, dirt bag!

Shit!

All right, all right, you and Sugar take the weenie for a hostage.

I got the old man. Come on, old man!

This way, this way! Come on, come on! Hurry up, hurry up!

[GUNFIRE]

DEMPSEY: Get him! Take him out!

Now, which one of you guys was resisting arrest?

- Not me. - Me, either.

MAN: Unh! - Uncle Eric!

Come on, Tackleberry, we need some help!

JONES: Up ahead, Hightower!

Hey!

[GRUNTS]

JONES: Keep it steady! TACKLEBERRY: Get ready to jump!

JONES: Okay, go!

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Where the hell have you been? What took you so long?

I had to change clothes!

Where'd you get those funny-looking clothes?

Wonderful! Wonderful!

[ALL GRUNTING]

MAN: Yeah?

[YELLING]

MAN [OVER RADIO]: Maintain your positions until told otherwise.

Over that way. Steady. You got it.

Bombs away!

Here I come! Geronimo!

MOUSE & SUGAR: Uh-oh! Unh!

[LAUGHING]

- Faster! Faster! - I'm going as fast as I can!

- You're in trouble now. It's a dead end. - Oh, God.

Look out, old man! Aah!

Well done!

- Look out! - Aah!

- All right! Ha-ha-ha! - Ha-ha-ha!

[GRUNTS]

Yo!

[WATER SPLASHES]

TONY: They probably think they got us!

- I think we got them! - There's no way out.

TONY: They think there's no way out! NICK: Look out, here he comes.

[BOTH YELLING]

- Well done! - It's nothing.

JONES: Let's get him!

- Captain Harris. - Sergeant. Uh...

I, uh... I was locked in here during the fighting.

- Uh, carry on. - Yes, sir!

Move it, move it, move it. Let's get these felons tied up and into police custody.

Proctor! Where is Proctor?

I'm coming, sir! Aah!

- Here I come! - Proctor.

Proctor! Aah!

I did that. I'm sorry, sir, my fault! My fault.

It didn't hurt. Didn't hurt.

[LAUGHING]

Don't just stand there. Get me out of here!

Move it! Move it! Move it!

[GROWLING]

Look out! Gator!

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

That gator better watch out.

- Roll him over, Hightower! - Aah!

No!

- All right! - Aah!

HARRIS: Thank God.

[YELLING]

Hey, hey! Stay where you are. I still got the old man.

- Uncle Eric, are you all right? - This is awesome!

It's the best procedure demonstration in history!

Uncle Eric, those are real crooks.

Oh!

Well, in that case...

[TONY GRUNTS]

Nothing personal. Just business.

[BOTH GRUNT]

[BAND PLAYING FAN FARE]

LASSARD: After capturing the Mal-Ankh-Ee diamond thieves...

and bringing them to justice...

these officers have been cited for medals of honor...

by the city of Miami.

In addition, one officer selflessly...

and at the risk of his life...

saved Captain Harris from certain death.

He is Sergeant Moses Hightower.

Let them have their little moment. We know who will have the last laugh.

Uh, yes, we do, Commandant Harris.

For his remarkable record...

this department is proud to promote Sergeant Hightower...

to Lieutenant Hightower!

I think it is fitting that Lieutenant Hightower...

receive his bars from the very officer whose life he saved:

Captain Harris.

You dork.

[NEIGHS THEN BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Congratulations, Lieutenant Hightower!

It has been a great, great pleasure...

serving you as commandant of this academy.

I'll miss you all. Farewell.

Godspeed and thank you.

Nothing could please me more than what I am about to say.

The governor and I wish that Eric Lassard...

continue as commandant of this academy...

until such time as he sees fit to retire himself.

[ALL CHEERING]

PROCTOR: Oh, no!

U m“!

[YELLING]

[CRASH]

[BAND PLAYING FAN FARE]