All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S07E05 - For the Sake of the Child (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

* Men. *

ALAN:
Not yet. Not yet.

Okay.

Wait for the traffic
to clear,

and then turn
into the left lane.

Not yet. Not yet.

Okay. Go.

Hurry, hurry,
hurry, hurry.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
(tires screeching)

(horn honking)

All right, good.

Good, well done.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Driving.

Both hands-- ten and two.

Twelve.

What?

No, no, like a clock.

10:00 and 2:00.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Put your left hand
on the wheel.

Fine.

You got to like
that he can add ten and two.

Yeah.

And he did it
in his head.

(music plays on radio)

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Concentrate on the road.
(turns off radio)

What? You listen to the
radio while you drive.

I'm an experienced
driver.

You drive
like an old woman.

An experienced old woman.

My point is, never take
your eyes off the road.

Hey, don't
distract the kid.

He can barely crap and
read at the same time.

I can, too!
Don't look at me!

Look at the road!
Don't yell at him!
Jake, look out!

Look out!
(horn blaring)

Will you guys just let me drive?

Fine, fine.

Drive.

(breathing deeply)

So, Charlie,
when's your, uh...

when's your fiancée
back in town?

Uh... next week.

Huh. So, uh...

so her dad's out
of the hospital?

Yep. They gave him his new hip
and sent him home.

Huh.

So, he had a bad hip?

No, Alan, he has
a bad tooth,

but he went to
the wrong doctor.

You don't have
to be snide.

You don't have to ask
dumb-ass questions.

He didn't ask
me anything.

Yellow light, yellow light,
yellow light.
Speed up.

Speed up, speed up, speed up!
Slow down,
slow down, slow down!

Okay, I've just about
had it with you two.

Now, if you don't quit it, I'm
going to turn this car around

and nobody's going
to the movies.

Man, I've always
wanted to say that.

I have to go
to the bathroom.

You should have peed when he
made that left turn, like I did.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

* Men. *

Oh, there's, uh...
there's three over there.

Too far away.
(groans)

Why don't you ever
wear your glasses?
Because I don't need them.

Oh, really? So, why did your
eye doctor prescribe them?

It's a racket.

I think they print
those charts blurry,

and then tell you
it's your eyes.

Look, can we
just sit down?

No, no, slide...
slide over one.

Slide over one.
I need the aisle.

Why do you always
need the aisle?

Because he's got a prostate
the size of an apple,

and he has to pee
every five minutes.

There's nothing wrong
with my prostate.

I've got a teeny bladder.
It's genetic.

Another reason I think
you were adopted.

Ha, ha.

Wasn't funny when I was
six, not funny now.

For God's sake,
can't you at least wait

until the lights
go down?

I'm hungry.

Deviled egg?

No.

Close the lid.

It smells
like a box of ass.

I don't know why they
call them deviled eggs.

I think they're
just heavenly.

Why can't you just sneak in
candy like a normal cheapskate?

Way ahead of you.

Still got these left over
from last Halloween.

Shh.

What the hell
are you doing?

How am I supposed
to have a rum and Coke

without the rum?

You're not supposed
to bring liquor

into a movie theater.

Oh, but it's fine
to bring a big box of ass?

CHARLIE:
Where are you going?

I'm going to sit over here.

But... but this
is family time.

I like this family better.

Oh, damn it!

I have to pee.

Oh, great.

Focus!

Focus!

Focus!

Another great
movie choice, Alan.

Excuse me, but it
was recommended

by four out of
five critics

who were not plowed
when they saw it.

Can we please just
get some ice cream?

You sure we need
to buy some?

Your dad probably
has gelato in his pants.

Uh-oh.

What?
Nothing.

You know those girls?
Kinda.

You want to go over
and say hello?

Alan, don't be
an idiot.

No teenager wants to be seen
out with his father.

Especially when his father
stinks of deviled ass eggs.

Yeah, but teenagers
love to be seen

with degenerate
rum-soaked uncles

who always dress like they're
on line at Epcot Center.

Well, pardon me
for having a personal style.

Will you guys please,
please shut up?

Hi, Jake.

Hey.

Oh. She's cute.

You guys go to
school together?

Of course they go
to school together.

Where else is he going
to meet a girl like that?

ALAN: He has outside interests.
He could've met her anywhere.

He only has two
outside interests,

and I don't think
he met her

at a taco truck
or a public toilet.

You know what, I'm not hungry.
Let's just go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We're not going anywhere.

I want ice cream.

Why, you going to
pour rum on it?
No.

Crème de cacao.

All that drinking.
You know, I feel
sorry for you.

Don't feel sorry for me.
You're the reason I drink!

ALAN: Oh, please!
If it weren't for me,

you would've choked on
your own vomit years ago.

Hey, don't flatter yourself.

I was vomiting

in my sleep long before
you came into my life,

and I'll be vomiting
long after you're gone.

MAN:
Next, please.
Oh, yay.

ALAN:
Um...

uh, I would like
to sample

the, uh...
the Passion Fruit,

and the Banana Brickle,

and-- ooh-- uh, maybe the,
uh, Nutty Butter Buddy.

Oh, geez-- why don't you just
get a double scoop of gayberry

and be done with it?

What... What do you
want, Jake?

A quick, painless death.

Hey, what happened
to those cute girls?

They left.

Oh, too bad.

I think the one
liked you.

They were looking
over here a lot.

I know.

Next time,
take a little initiative.

Yeah. We're not always going
to be here to support you.

* Men. *

ALAN:
So, you peek over
your right shoulder

and slide it
into the spot.

Parallel parking.

Easy peasy.

Are we home?

We're dropping off Jake.

Oh.

I kind of got a sugar crash
off that ice cream.

Oh, yeah, it had
nothing to do

with the four ounces of liqueur
you poured over it.

Better liqueur
than Halloween leftovers.

They charge 50 cents
for each topping,

and I had perfectly good
candy corn.

Okay, bye.

See you next weekend.

Yeah, maybe.
What's that mean?

I'll call you.

Okeydoke.

Boy, you really
pissed him off.

I pissed him off?
What about you?

Hey, he likes me.

Oh, please.
Nobody likes you.

We only tolerate you because
you have a lot of money.

All right, get out.

What are you
talking about?

This is my car.
Fine.

How much
do you want for it?

(scoffs)
Don't be ridiculous.

We talking blue book?
'Cause I just put
a new tire on it.

* Men. *

* Men. *

ALAN:
You are a lush!

CHARLIE:
You are a leech!

ALAN:
You are a misogynist!

CHARLIE:
You are a mistake!

You are a...

What are we up to?
"N."

Thank you.

Uh, you are a...

necrophiliac.

She was drunk, not dead.

I challenge.

Okay, fine.
You're a narcissist.

Better.

You are a Nancy boy.

You are old.

You are odd...

...ly shaped.

(phone ringing)
Hang on.

You are a parasite.

Not your turn.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Judith.
What's up?

What do you mean, what
happened with Jake?

We had a nice weekend.

Well, we went driving, to
the movies, um, ice cream.

Quack, rectal, suck-wad!

I never got my "P."

All you do is pee.

What? What?
Uh, n-nothing.

Little... little word game.
You know,

exercise the brain.
Twit!

Turd burglar!

Judith, I-I-I don't know
what Jake's problem is.

We had a terrific weekend.

Huh.

Jake says he doesn't want
to come here anymore.

Really? Why?

I don't know.

Did he say why?

Charlie and I don't bicker.

I mean, no more
than any other couple.

Of guys.

Right?

Right.

Oh, oh, oh!

You are a eunuch.

(sighs)

That's "E," not "U."

Learn to spell. Useless!

Look, I don't know
what to tell you.

He's a teenager--
he'll get over it.

Okay. Okay.

Bye-bye.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I haven't been happy
in seven years.

For your information,
I will not

have been here seven years
until next fall.

Oh, good to know.

Circle the date
on the calendar

so I'll know when
to hang myself.

Ha, ha. Funny.

It-it's because of you
Jake doesn't want

to come here anymore.
Great.

Tell me what I did
so I can do it to you.

(sighs)

God, you are such a...

What are we up to?
"V."

Varmint!

You are a varmint.

Yeah, well...

you are a vagina.

You're calling me a vagina?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, that's too good for you.

What you are is...

vagina adjacent.

You know,
for some women,

this could be considered
a hostile work environment.

* Men. *

Hey.

Isn't it past
your bedtime?

I don't like to go
to sleep angry.

Try drinking more.

What will that solve?

Sobriety.

We need to talk.

Oh, good.

I was so worried
we weren't going to talk.

I've been thinking.

Maybe Jake not wanting
to hang out here

does have something
to do with us.

I mean, we have been
fighting a lot lately.

So?

So, don't you want him
to feel comfortable here?

He farts at the dinner table.

How much more comfortable
do we want him?

Charlie, if you and I don't
figure out a way to get along,

there's a chance
we might not see him anymore.

And the downside is...?

Come on, tough guy,
you know you love him.

Why don't you just admit it?

Okay, I love him.

Now go to your room
and masturbate.

Already did,
still can't sleep.

My point is, we have
to work out our differences

for the sake of the child.

Are you out of your mind?

I mean,
if it weren't for Jake,

we could just shake hands
and walk away.

After what you've been doing,
there'll be no shaking of hands.

I keep Purell
in my nightstand.

I'm not an animal.

Where is this going, Alan?

Well, I am glad you asked.

A Blueprint for Love?

It's a workbook Judith
and I got in couples counseling.

But the principles
can be applied

to any two human beings
in a relationship.

I see.

So you did this right
before she kicked your ass out

and took everything you own?

The principles are sound.

Judith is
an unreasonable bitch.

Now, okay, uh, the, um,
the first exercise--

"Building a Foundation
of Trust."

So, we each say three things
we admire about the other.

Uh, I will go first.
Um...

I admire your sense of humor,

uh, your generosity

and your devil-may-care
attitude.

Thank you.

Now, your turn-- three things
you admire about me.

Three? Really?

All right, uh...

I like that you think I'm funny.

(laughs)

Good one.

Still counts, right?

Sure.

Two to go.

What did Judith put?

No cheating.

Okay.

Uh...

you love your kid,
which can't be easy.

And...

you disinfect your hands
after you masturbate.

Thank you.

Now, that wasn't
so difficult, was it?

Okay, next.

There's more?

Have we healed our relationship,
Charlie?

I'm good.

Okay: "Three things you would
change about your partner,

and three things you would
change about yourself."

This time you start.

Why would I want
to change anything about myself?

You're kidding, right?

You think you're perfect?

In my way.

Oh, so you have no flaws?

Let us consider
the hummingbird, Alan.

Or the butterfly.

All of God's
creatures are perfect

just the way
he made them.

Except you.
You suck.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Name three things
you would change about me.

Your personality,

your wardrobe and your address.

Thank you.

Your voice,

your face,
and again, your address.

All right... (anxious laugh)
All right.

Your haircut, your
fruity little workbook

and your address.

Just... Just needed three.

Oh, come on,
we're healing.

Your cheapness,

your smug arrogance
and your address.

I'm leaving.

Hey, this thing really works!

* Men. *

The way you
chew your food,

the hair in your ears
and your address.

That stopped being funny
a week ago.

Judges?

Still funny.

So where's the kid
this weekend?

He's not coming,
thanks to my brother.

Thank you, Charlie.

Sure, lay it
all on me.

Nothing's ever
your fault.

Hey, at least I was willing
to work on our problems.

What, that stupid
Blueprint for Love?

That was just an excuse
to try to change me.

You knew who I was
when you moved in here.

That doesn't mean
you can't grow.

Why can't you grow?

Because you hold me back!

Stop it!

Can't you see you're tearing
this family apart?!

Hah! What a couple
of 'mos.

Look, can we at least establish
some ground rules

about how we treat each other
in front of Jake?

Like what?

Like we agree that if there's
something's bothering us,

we wait and discuss it
privately.
Fine.

And no name-calling.
Done.

And the sarcasm.

While you and I know

that our good-natured ribbing
is all in fun,

Jake might perceive it
as hostile.

I hate you.

Exactly.

If Jake heard you say that,
he'd think you really meant it.

I do mean it. I hate you.

Funny.
One of those things

I admire about you.

Now, come on, we'll get
dressed and go talk to Jake.

You know, I just thought

of another thing
I'd change about you.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Your inability
to accept my hatred.

And your address!

* Men. *

Hey.

He still says he doesn't
want to spend the weekend
with you two.

You heard her, Al.
Let's go.

Oh, stop it.

I'm serious.
We don't need him.

I can pick my nose and
wipe it on your car seat.

We'll talk to him.

Where is he?
In his room.

Let me ask you something.

How did you convince Alan
you hated him?

What?
He won't believe me.

ALAN:
Charlie!

It's not like I can
withhold sex, like you did.

If you think
of anything, text me.

(scoffs)

(strumming and tuning guitar)

Wow.

You are getting pretty good.

I'm just tuning it.

Well, tune on, broheim.

What are you doing here?

Okay, first of all,

your uncle and I
would like to apologize

for our behavior last week.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I've got nothing
to apologize for.

Oh, really? So you've
been just perfect

through this whole thing?

What can I tell you?
I'm a hummingbird.

Shut up, Charlie.

I hate you,
and you were adopted.

Your uncle and
I understand

that we might have
made you uncomfortable,

and we want you to know

that we're going to make
a real effort to change.

When are you planning to start?

Right now.

Right, Charlie?
Yeah, sure.

So, you guys will stop
fighting so much?
ALAN:
Yes.

Uh-huh.
And you won't embarrass
me in public anymore?

When did we embarrass
you in public?

Oh, come on,
you embarrass
him constantly.

Uh, you don't?
Hey, I'm the
colorful uncle.

One day, he'll be telling
his kids all kinds

of funny stories about me.

He'll be telling
stories about me, too.

Yeah, to his court-appointed
psychiatrist.

You know, you have got a cruel
streak that is just ugly.

You want to know
what's just ugly?

The schmuck who lives
in my guest room.

At least I am not
an aging pretty boy

desperately clinging on to
the last dregs of his youth.

What are you saying,
I'm losing my looks?

Oh, now you're worried.

Let me tell you
something, pal.

Looks is all
you've ever had.

No heart, no soul, no depth
of character whatsoever.

Come on, be honest.

Which would you rather have?

My looks or those
other three things?

You know what?
Bite me!

I can't believe
you actually bit me.

Wait, wait!

I thought you were going
to talk to him.

We did. He's still
kind of upset with us.

You know teenagers.

You just can't
reason with them.

Oh, really?
Wait right here.

JUDITH:
I don't give a damn!

Weekends are the only peace
I get around here!

They're both losers!

Deal with it!

Now get your ass up
and go with your father!

I'm driving.

I call shotgun.

Shotgun?
What are you, a child?

Me a child?
You just bit me!

(engine revving)

Hey, and don't rev it!
You're wasting gas!

(engine revving)

Hey!
Hey!

Hey, come back here!

Was he waving,

or did he just
give us the finger?

Both hands on the wheel!

10:00 and 2:00!

* Men. *

* Men. *

(grunts)

Okay. Okay.

That completes the
"How to Disagree in
a Loving Way" section.

(slurred): I think we
did very well.

I disagree...

but in a loving way.

Okay, okay, next.

Um... things
we have in common.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Charlie.

Same last name.
Same last name.

Oh!
Very nice, very nice.

Drink?

Uh, yes, I am.

(grunts)

Okay, things we have in common,
things we have in common.

Uh... Mom!

We both have the same mother.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're adopted.

Oh, right, right, right.

Okay, let's see, let's see.

Uh, what do we
have in common?

Uh... Oh, oh, oh!
Uh, here's one.

Um, we both feel
unworthy of love

and battle
homosexual panic.

Maybe that's just me.

Maybe.

Mmm.

Okay, okay,
here's one, here's one.

Uh, we both love Jake.

Oh, Jake.

Mmm.

Yeah, I love him.

Where is the
little fartmeister?

I think he's sleeping.

Oh, he needs to
know we love him.

You're right.
You're right.

We don't tell him enough.

Come on, let's go wake him
up and tell him we love him.

Mmm, good idea, good idea.

Jake!
Guess who loves you!