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1
00:00:01,702 --> 00:00:04,072
ANNOUNCER:
Call now. Operators
are standing by.
2
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,206
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
3
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,174
What are you doing?
4
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,641
I'm calling them.
5
00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:10,044
Don't you want to be able
to scramble an egg
6
00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:11,779
while it's still
in the shell?
7
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,150
Okay...
8
00:00:16,184 --> 00:00:19,253
new rule-- you can't drink
while we watch cable television.
9
00:00:19,287 --> 00:00:21,289
You won't say that when you get
10
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:24,058
a blanket with sleeves
for Christmas.
11
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,264
Hi, Jake.
12
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:32,133
Hmm.
13
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:34,502
Can I offer you
14
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,070
some fruit and cheese?
15
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,605
You can, but I won't eat it.
16
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:40,174
Okay.
17
00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:41,342
So what's new?
18
00:00:41,375 --> 00:00:42,776
How's your girlfriend?
19
00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:45,113
That's kind of personal,
isn't it?
20
00:00:45,146 --> 00:00:47,648
Sorry. I'm just curious.
21
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:49,717
Why, you writing a book?
22
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:55,423
Yeah, it's called The Day
Jake's Uncle Kicked His Ass.
23
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,158
Whatever.
24
00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:58,759
Oh, no, don't go.
25
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,461
We so enjoy your company.
26
00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,765
Did I do something wrong?
27
00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:07,435
Yeah, you
anthropomorphized him.
28
00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:09,237
What?
29
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:10,404
It means
treating something
30
00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:12,540
that's not human
as if it is.
31
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:15,676
You know, like you
do with your cat.
32
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:18,212
Which frankly,
makes more sense.
33
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,181
I'm starting to think
Jake resents me.
34
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:22,250
See? You're still doing it.
35
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:24,385
Look, you can't
take it personal.
36
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:25,819
He's a teenager.
37
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:28,122
You know, that awkward stage
between junior high
38
00:01:28,156 --> 00:01:29,790
and methadone clinic.
39
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,326
I just want to get
to know him better.
40
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:33,694
I already know him.
41
00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:35,129
Trust me, you're
not missing anything.
42
00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,498
Come on, there's got
to be something
43
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,133
underneath that
sullen exterior.
44
00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:42,470
Yeah, a "D" student
with a perpetual boner.
45
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,674
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
46
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:49,177
Ginzu knives.
47
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,844
* Men.
48
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:54,615
Kind of like
high school, huh?
49
00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:56,884
I never did this in high school.
50
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,719
Really? Sex in a car?
51
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:00,120
You're kind of
built for it.
52
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,559
Oh, what the
heck is this?
53
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:07,695
Oh, Jake's retainer.
54
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,463
He lost this years ago.
55
00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,765
This cost me like, $500.
56
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,934
Anyway...
57
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,504
No, this is not
working for me.
58
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:17,605
Want another
wine cooler?
59
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,507
No, I want to be
in a real bed.
60
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:20,774
Well, what do you
want me to do?
61
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:21,775
You won't stay
at Charlie's.
62
00:02:21,809 --> 00:02:23,677
How can I go back there
63
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:25,179
after his fiancee
called me a tramp?
64
00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:26,380
Oh, come on, she
didn't mean it.
65
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,881
That was just
heat of the moment
66
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,417
when she found out
you'd slept with Charlie.
67
00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:31,252
It doesn't bother you,
does it?
68
00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:33,187
Well, yeah, yeah,
a bit, you know,
69
00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,488
but beggars can't be choosers.
70
00:02:36,324 --> 00:02:38,226
And I love you.
71
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,296
No, not here.
72
00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,897
Well, then where?
73
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:45,933
I'd be more than happy
to go back to your place
74
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:48,202
if you could just get past
that little incident
with your mother.
75
00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:49,337
Little incident?
76
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,405
I caught you
in bed with her!
77
00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:54,608
Boy, you are just going
to keep harping on
that, aren't you?
78
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,710
Why don't we just
got to a hotel?
79
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:59,747
Uh, well, we could, but wouldn't
that feel kind of cheap?
80
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,782
I'll tell you what
feels kind of cheap-- you.
81
00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:02,850
What are you doing?
82
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,485
I'm getting out of here.
83
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:05,786
What-what, you're
gonna walk home?
84
00:03:05,819 --> 00:03:07,321
Well, it's not
far, Alan.
85
00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:09,223
You didn't want to waste
the gas, remember?
86
00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,792
Pardon me for being green.
87
00:03:11,825 --> 00:03:12,926
Good-bye.
88
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,362
Oh, come on, Melissa!
89
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:15,629
Let's not ruin
a beautiful evening!
90
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:18,799
I already broke the seal
on the condom!
91
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:21,302
All right, all right.
92
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:23,003
All right, you win,
you win.
93
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,638
I'll take you to a cheap motel.
94
00:03:25,806 --> 00:03:29,710
(siren blaring)
95
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,945
Oh, great.
POLICE OFFICER:
Stand up
96
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:34,315
and put your
hands behind your head.
97
00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:35,983
Uh, I can explain this.
98
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,918
Hands behind
your head!
99
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:42,022
This is not what it looks like.
100
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,724
I-I-I was just chasing
this girl
101
00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,626
who jumped out of my car.
102
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:48,796
Oh...
103
00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:51,765
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
104
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:55,336
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
105
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:58,038
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
106
00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,940
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
107
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,743
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
108
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,913
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
109
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:10,451
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
110
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:20,328
(playing "Smoke on the Water")
111
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,467
(knocking at door)
112
00:04:28,669 --> 00:04:29,737
You got a minute?
113
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,539
I'm practicing.
114
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:34,608
Yeah, well, take a pause
for the cause.
115
00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:36,043
What?
116
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,611
Take five.
117
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:38,779
Five what?
118
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,449
Just shut up
and listen to me!
119
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,519
You have a problem
with Chelsea?
120
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:46,654
No.
121
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:47,921
So what's with the attitude?
122
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,823
What attitude?
123
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,526
I just don't consider fruit and
cheese an acceptable snack.
124
00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:54,628
I don't care. You were rude.
125
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:55,863
Kettle corn-- that's a snack.
126
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,731
That's not the point.
127
00:04:57,765 --> 00:05:00,601
Nachos-- that's a proper
use of cheese.
128
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:01,835
All right, all right,
listen to me.
129
00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:03,504
You're hurting Chelsea's
feelings
130
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:06,006
and I need you to make an effort
to be nicer to her.
131
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:07,641
Hey, it's not my problem
132
00:05:07,675 --> 00:05:08,942
if your girlfriend's
oversensitive.
133
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,512
Yeah, it kind of is.
134
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:14,515
If you guys can't get along,
then one of you has got to go.
135
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:15,949
And guess who
that's going to be?
136
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:17,785
Why? Just 'cause
you sleep with her?
137
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,788
Good for you. Why do people
think you're stupid?
138
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,056
'Cause of my grades.
139
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,025
Actually, I'm an underachiever.
140
00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,764
Just be nice to Chelsea,
all right?
141
00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:31,865
Fine.
142
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:37,505
(playing hard rock riff)
143
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:45,479
(door closes)
144
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:48,382
Well, that was uncalled for.
145
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:53,521
Just F.Y.I., your
son's a moron.
146
00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,656
No, he's an underachiever.
147
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:56,724
Where have you been?
148
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:57,858
Had a date with Melissa.
149
00:05:57,891 --> 00:05:58,759
How'd it go?
150
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:00,060
She broke up with me
151
00:06:00,093 --> 00:06:02,996
and I may have to register
as a sex offender.
152
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,865
Well, as long as
you had fun.
153
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:06,500
Charlie, do you have any idea
154
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:07,901
how difficult it is
to maintain a relationship
155
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,737
when you don't have
a place of your own?
156
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:12,973
Alan, if I didn't have
a place of my own,
157
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:15,609
I'd be worried about more
important things than
a relationship.
158
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,010
Like, you know,
getting a place of my own.
159
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,415
So, you're saying I'm not
entitled to a relationship?
160
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:26,920
No, I'm saying if you
can't afford dog food
161
00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:28,522
you don't get a dog.
162
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:29,657
Oh, great, so I'm just
supposed to be
163
00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:31,459
alone for the rest of my life?
164
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:34,495
No, you're supposed to get
your own freakin' place!
165
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:40,468
Just 'cause you keep saying it,
doesn't mean it's gonna happen.
166
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:43,871
* Men.
167
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,540
How's the French toast,
Jake?
168
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:48,141
It's bread dipped in eggs.
169
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,543
You can't really
screw it up.
170
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,481
It's fine.
171
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,217
It's the best damn French toast
172
00:06:57,250 --> 00:06:59,019
I've ever had in my whole
freakin' life.
173
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,590
Now stop kicking me.
174
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:04,625
Okay, guys,
I'll see you later.
175
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:06,193
Oh, you're working
on a Sunday?
176
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,861
Well, kind of.
177
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,731
Since my brother and I are
both extremely anxious
178
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,165
for me to get my own place--
179
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:14,468
me, because I'd like
a sense of autonomy,
180
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,570
and him, because he's
a spiteful turd--
181
00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,005
um...
182
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:20,574
I have found a way
to earn some extra money.
183
00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:23,611
Great. Put me down for three
boxes of Thin Mints
184
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,078
and some Peanut Butter Sandies.
185
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,517
Ah, Girl Scout cookies?
I like those Samoas.
186
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,919
I'm not selling cookies, Jake.
187
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,253
Oh...
188
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,822
Then what are you selling?
189
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:36,857
It better not be your liver--
I got dibs.
190
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:39,126
EVELYN:
Hello.
191
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:41,094
Where is my
new assistant?
192
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,964
Oh, you didn't.
193
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:44,965
Morning, all.
194
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,266
Here, darling,
put this on.
195
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,001
Ooh, snazzy. Do
I get to keep it?
196
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:51,171
No, but if this works out,
I'll sell it to you at cost.
197
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:53,774
You're going to work for Mom?
198
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,643
What else am I
supposed to do?
199
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:58,679
I don't know, some job that lets
you keep your self-respect.
200
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,581
Like, you know, man whore...
201
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,751
Dog de-wormer...
202
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,054
Outhouse inspector.
203
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,889
Morning, Charlie.
Hey, Mom. How are you?
204
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,625
Laxative tester,
horse inseminator.
205
00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:13,694
I'm going to work weekends
with Mom selling real estate,
206
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,563
and she's going to give me
a piece of the action.
207
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:19,667
No, I said having an assistant
would give me a little peace
208
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:21,902
so I could get some action.
209
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:28,909
Well, whatever.
It's a start.
210
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:29,743
Let's go.
211
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:30,978
No, dear.
212
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,179
I say, "Let's go."
213
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:33,647
Oh, oh, okay.
214
00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:35,215
Let's go.
215
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,149
Stop.
216
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,618
Take my bag.
217
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:38,686
Now let's go.
218
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,523
This is going to be fun.
219
00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:46,860
Okay, I'm done.
220
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,764
He didn't say thank you.
221
00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:53,667
He's leaving the room.
We should thank him.
222
00:08:57,037 --> 00:09:01,474
Jake, come back
in here and say
thank you to Chelsea.
223
00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,848
Jake, I'm warning you.
224
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:11,952
Jake!
225
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:17,725
(muffled):
Thank you, Chelsea.
226
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,165
Now was that so hard?
227
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:29,937
* Men.
228
00:09:29,970 --> 00:09:31,271
Oh, welcome, welcome.
229
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,306
Please sign in. Take a flyer.
230
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,742
There's juice and cookies
in the kitchen.
231
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,176
Thank you.
232
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:38,946
I know, you think you'd never
use a bidet,
233
00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:41,715
but trust me, once you do,
you'll never go back
234
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:44,251
to just wiping.
235
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,787
Anyway, if you're
not ready to buy,
236
00:09:46,820 --> 00:09:48,856
the owners are
willing to lease.
237
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:49,990
Thank you.
238
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,960
You're very welcome.
239
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:55,128
Thanks for coming.
240
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:58,398
Oh, the rat bastards live
right across the street.
241
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:02,235
They probably just came
for the free cookies.
242
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,405
Um, Mom, I have to go
to the bathroom.
243
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:06,874
Number one or number two?
244
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:09,009
What difference
does it make?
245
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:12,245
Alan, I'm trying
to sell a house here.
246
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:16,116
Warm cookie smell, good--
hot poop smell, bad.
247
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,986
I'll wait.
248
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:20,954
You're damn right you'll wait.
249
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:23,423
So the people who own this
live mostly in New York?
250
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,158
Oh, they have homes
all over the place.
251
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:27,327
Probably don't even remember
they have this one.
252
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,829
Hardly seems fair.
253
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:30,898
Want fair? Go live
on a kibbutz.
254
00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:32,866
Funny.
255
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,101
How's that work, exactly?
256
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,703
Do you have to be Jewish?
257
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:37,871
Oh, welcome, welcome.
258
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:39,306
Please sign in.
259
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:41,141
Uh, there's juice and cookies
in the kitchen.
260
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,076
(muffled flatulence)
261
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,285
Loose floorboard.
262
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:54,254
* Men.
263
00:10:56,089 --> 00:10:59,226
Okay, we need to talk
about your kid and my fiancée.
264
00:10:59,259 --> 00:11:00,894
I already talked to him,
265
00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:02,863
and he promised to stay out
of her underwear drawer.
266
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,364
What?
267
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,735
Not that he ever went into it.
268
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:08,535
It's just a precaution.
269
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,739
Alan, I don't think
you realize...
270
00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:13,340
Look, look, look, I would love
to have this conversation,
271
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,374
but I've got to get to work.
272
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,009
It's 9:00 at night.
273
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,011
Tell that to our mother.
People want to see a house
274
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:20,380
at night and she's got a date,
guess who has to show the house?
275
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:23,050
Well, fine, at least take
the rhesus monkey with you.
276
00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,786
Oh yeah, nothing sells
a multi-million dollar home
277
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:29,990
more than a 15-year-old boy
with greasy hair and BO.
278
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,725
Okay, let him stand
on the lawn
279
00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,394
in a jockey costume,
holding a lantern.
280
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,363
Look, you're the one who said
I needed to get my own place.
281
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:37,430
This is what I got to do.
282
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:39,399
You don't fool me.
283
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,433
You're never leaving.
284
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,969
Never!
285
00:11:43,771 --> 00:11:45,072
That's it.
286
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,040
I'm done trying with that kid.
287
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,279
(sighs)
288
00:11:52,312 --> 00:11:55,315
When did my life turn
into Leave it to Beaver?
289
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:01,822
It was more fun when it was
Leave it to Beaver.
290
00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:04,524
Okay, numb nuts, what
did you say to Chelsea?
291
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,860
Nothing.
Then why is she so upset?
292
00:12:06,894 --> 00:12:09,062
I don't know.
Maybe it's her period.
293
00:12:09,096 --> 00:12:11,164
She says it wasn't,
but I don't believe her.
294
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:15,302
* Men.
295
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:22,976
(doorbell rings)
296
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:24,377
Ah...
297
00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,254
Welcome to our love nest,
my tiny sparrow.
298
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,390
* Men.
299
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,163
* Men.
300
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:45,332
This is unbelievable.
301
00:12:45,365 --> 00:12:47,334
How can you afford it?
302
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,136
Well, I didn't buy it,
of course. I'm renting.
303
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:50,804
I don't get it.
304
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,340
Just the other day we were going
to do it in your car
305
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,242
because you didn't
want to shell out $59
306
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:56,844
for a hotel room.
307
00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,412
It was $69, but, uh...
308
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,114
But this is
different. I, uh...
309
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:03,817
I get a tax break on it.
You know, the home office.
310
00:13:03,851 --> 00:13:06,353
So, you've moved out
of your brother's house?
311
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:07,988
Uh, well, not quite yet.
312
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:09,389
This is just a pied-a-terre.
313
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:10,991
Besides, I might flip it
314
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,826
and move up to something
a little bigger.
315
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:14,962
But you said you're renting.
316
00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:17,898
Yes, yes, I'm renting...
317
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,433
with-with an
option to flip.
318
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,238
But let's not
talk money.
319
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,473
Let's talk love.
320
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,879
Shall we go try out the bed?
321
00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:35,983
The bed? With the--
with the sheets?
322
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:37,284
Um...
323
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,219
Beds are so bourgeois,
don't you think?
324
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:41,521
Ooh, Alan.
The couch?
325
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:45,993
Uh, actually I was
thinking right here
326
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,328
in front of the fireplace...
327
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:50,297
on this beach towel.
328
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,938
Come on. I was
trying to be nice.
329
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,007
By asking her
if she was on her period?
330
00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,409
I was taking an interest.
331
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,211
You're an idiot.
332
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:07,214
Why are you making it personal?
I'm not making it personal.
333
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,051
Okay, here's the deal.
334
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,386
You two are going to stay in
here and work this thing out
335
00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:14,521
until you're
either getting along
336
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,289
or one of you is dead.
337
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,625
FYI, she can kick your ass.
338
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,395
Have fun.
339
00:14:22,429 --> 00:14:24,231
(door closes)
340
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:27,634
Hey.
341
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:30,437
Hey.
342
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,906
So...
343
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,042
I guess you owe me an apology.
344
00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:37,444
* Men.
345
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:40,580
Wow.
346
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,182
(both chuckling)
347
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,651
I've never seen you
so forceful and virile.
348
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,286
Oh, thank you, thank you.
349
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,088
You were wonderful, too.
350
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:51,391
You're-You're still
on the towel, right?
351
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:52,960
You know what I think?
352
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:55,128
I think finally making love
in a place of our own
353
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:56,596
has given you more confidence.
354
00:14:56,629 --> 00:15:01,001
Well, truth be told, I
do feel kind of cocky.
355
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:02,202
No pun intended.
356
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,237
Oh, it is so intended.
357
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:05,672
Ah. You got me.
(laughing)
358
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:07,307
Yes, I do.
359
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:10,243
(moans)
360
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,712
I want to make love to you
in every room in this house.
361
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,348
I don't see any
reason why not.
362
00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,483
As long as we
bring the towel.
363
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,154
Of course, we're going to have
to wait about a half hour,
364
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,356
give my erectile
medication a chance
365
00:15:23,390 --> 00:15:25,492
to overcome my
anti-depressants.
366
00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:28,628
Complicated man,
Alan Harper.
367
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:31,131
And I've got the medicine
chest to prove it.
368
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:32,665
(laughing)
369
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,267
Whoopsie.
370
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,469
Oh, damn it!
371
00:15:36,503 --> 00:15:38,371
Sorry.
372
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:40,140
Sorry doesn't get
out the stain.
373
00:15:40,173 --> 00:15:41,708
Do you have any club soda?
374
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,376
How the hell would
I know? Don't rub!
375
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,012
Blot, blot, blot!
376
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,346
Stop yelling at me!
377
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,215
Just get out of the way.
What is wrong with you?
378
00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,217
Nothing. I just...
379
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:52,352
(screams):
Oh, no!
380
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,954
That's your whoopsie.
381
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:58,191
Oh, my mother's
going to kill me!
382
00:15:58,225 --> 00:15:59,993
What does your mother
have to do with it?
383
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:02,229
Are you kidding? She doesn't
even let me poop here!
384
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:06,233
* Men.
385
00:16:09,269 --> 00:16:11,338
Hey, so, how did
everything work out?
386
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:12,772
Sit down, Charlie.
387
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,574
Why?
388
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:16,476
Just sit.
389
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,711
Okay.
390
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,350
What's going on?
391
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,618
We figured out what
the problem is between us.
392
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:27,287
Well, great. What is it?
393
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,421
You.
394
00:16:28,455 --> 00:16:31,091
Well, this ought to be good.
395
00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:34,027
You told Jake
that he should be nice to me
396
00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:35,528
because I was oversensitive?
397
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:39,532
Well, I don't know
that I said those actual words.
398
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:42,269
And you called me a "D" student
with a perpetual...
399
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:43,536
you know what.
400
00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,205
Boner.
401
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:47,074
Yeah,
those were my actual words.
402
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,610
Charlie, don't you see
how you're the one
403
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,279
who's been driving a wedge
between us?
404
00:16:52,312 --> 00:16:55,248
No, not really.
405
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:57,084
I told you he
wouldn't get it.
406
00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:00,420
Well, hang on a second. Hang on.
407
00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,788
You're blaming me
408
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:03,556
because you two
can't get along and now...
409
00:17:05,392 --> 00:17:08,728
You're right. You're right.
410
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:11,398
I'm the problem.
I am so sorry.
411
00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:12,665
It won't ever happen again.
412
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:14,467
Thank you.
Thanks.
413
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:25,312
"Perpetual" means
"pointy," right?
414
00:17:28,115 --> 00:17:30,217
* Men.
415
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,821
Okay, I think
I got it all out.
416
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,824
You didn't have to yell.
417
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:40,527
I know. I'm... I'm sorry.
418
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:41,761
I don't know
what got into me.
419
00:17:41,794 --> 00:17:43,763
It was just an accident.
420
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:44,697
I know.
421
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:46,366
You hurt my feelings.
422
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,769
Again, I am so sorry.
423
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:53,140
Come here.
424
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,145
(clicking tongue)
425
00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:07,687
(door opening)
426
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,322
Now, wait till you see
427
00:18:09,356 --> 00:18:12,259
the panoramic city to
ocean views at night.
428
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,367
Why are we running?
429
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,269
Well, remember when I told
you I rented this house?
430
00:18:22,302 --> 00:18:23,870
Yeah?
I lied.
431
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,205
(police siren wails)
432
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,742
Oh, no. Not again.
433
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,411
Okay. Okay.
434
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,745
Just let me do the talking.
435
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:35,648
Melissa?
436
00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:37,350
POLICE OFFICER:
Get down on your knees,
437
00:18:37,384 --> 00:18:40,320
and put your hands
behind your head.
438
00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:41,754
Uh, okay. Okay.
439
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:47,260
First of all,
let me explain the erection.
440
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:48,461
* Men.
441
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,880
What's going on?
442
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,849
Not much.
443
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,618
Where's Jake and Chelsea?
444
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,820
They went
to the movies together.
445
00:19:13,853 --> 00:19:15,588
Oh, how nice.
446
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:16,856
Yep.
447
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:17,824
Life is good.
448
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:20,927
Hmm.
449
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,495
So, did you sell that house?
450
00:19:22,529 --> 00:19:23,896
Uh, no.
451
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:26,899
Actually, I'm not working
for Mom anymore.
452
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,701
You quit?
453
00:19:28,735 --> 00:19:31,170
Yeah, let's say that.
454
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:35,675
And while we're at it,
let's say I dumped Melissa
455
00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,244
and decided she never
wants to see me again
456
00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:38,811
as long as she lives.
457
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,280
Okay.
458
00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,515
Mm-hmm.
459
00:19:42,549 --> 00:19:44,651
Oh, uh, hey, you
know how they say
460
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,419
if you take one
of those pills
461
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:48,855
and your erection lasts
for more than four hours,
462
00:19:48,888 --> 00:19:50,390
you should call a doctor?
463
00:19:50,423 --> 00:19:51,391
Yeah.
464
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:51,491
What time is it?
31566
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