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1
00:00:01,602 --> 00:00:03,337
* Men. *
2
00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:05,873
Hey, Danny.
3
00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:07,908
Good morning, Melissa.
4
00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:11,945
You look lovely today.
5
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,647
Thank you, Danny.
6
00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,383
I think he's got
a little thing for you.
7
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:19,153
No, you've got
a little thing for her.
8
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:21,955
I've got a croquet mallet
in my pants.
9
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,825
Danny, behave yourself.
10
00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:28,129
Alan, I thought I told you
to keep that doll in your room.
11
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:29,430
Come on.
12
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,565
He's got to feed
the broad sometime.
13
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,068
See what I did there?
14
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,903
You're so clever.
15
00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:38,439
How about spaghetti with pesto
for dinner tonight?
16
00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:40,641
Oh, boy, with the pine nuts?
You got it.
17
00:00:41,809 --> 00:00:45,213
I've got your pine nuts
right here.
18
00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,380
Danny.
19
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:48,849
Buy one, get one free.
20
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:52,820
Okay, Alan, I'm only going
to ask you this once.
21
00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,423
Has little Miss Muppet
moved into my house?
22
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,057
What? No. Huh-uh.
23
00:00:57,125 --> 00:00:59,693
Really?
24
00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:00,994
and still here
when I get up.
25
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,630
Well, to be fair, Charlie,
26
00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:06,300
you do have an erratic
sleep schedule.
27
00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:09,603
So you're saying I continually
miss it when she goes home?
28
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,939
Charlie, you missed Easter
last year.
29
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,707
Was that the time I woke up
30
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:17,010
with a Cadbury egg
melted in my shorts?
31
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:21,215
Sadly enough, no.
32
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,685
Okay, okay,
just so you understand
33
00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:27,788
this is my house and you don't
get to invite people to move in.
34
00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:29,089
Why do you keep harping on that?
35
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:30,424
She is not living here.
36
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,460
I'm just going to throw
in a load of laundry
37
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:33,561
before I go to work.
38
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:38,199
Sure looks like she is.
39
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,635
I don't know
what he's talking about.
40
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:49,009
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
41
00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:52,146
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
42
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,282
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
43
00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:56,750
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
44
00:01:56,817 --> 00:02:00,053
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
45
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,758
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
46
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,532
* Men. *
47
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:18,939
Hey, listen,
I was thinking.
48
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:22,476
We've already got a bed.
49
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,345
And you're the one who's always
complaining about it.
50
00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:26,880
Oh, I complain
about a lot of things.
51
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:28,616
Like, uh, like automatic
flush toilets.
52
00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:30,518
I mean, everything's gone
before you get a chance
53
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,421
to turn around
and check out how you did.
54
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,289
What the dickens
are you talking about?
55
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,191
Let's just leave the furniture
the way it is.
56
00:02:37,258 --> 00:02:38,292
I don't want to rock the boat.
57
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:39,793
How is getting
a decent bed
58
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:43,797
rocking the boat?
59
00:02:43,864 --> 00:02:45,699
And-and no. I mean...
60
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:46,967
It's still Charlie's house.
61
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,136
But you pay rent?
Of course.
62
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,138
I mean, you know,
the actual number fluctuates
63
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:53,607
depending on the economy
and whether Charlie's conscious
64
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,509
on the first of the month.
But yeah, I pay.
65
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,446
Okay, then you need to start
standing up to him.
66
00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,713
Oh, please.
67
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:02,216
I stand up to him plenty.
Is that so?
68
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,121
You think he likes
unsalted butter?
69
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,390
He does not.
70
00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,726
Now you listen
to me, Alan Harper.
71
00:03:12,793 --> 00:03:15,463
You are a strong,
assertive man.
72
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,965
I know that because I
couldn't be with you
73
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:19,467
if you were anything less.
74
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,535
Oh, well, yeah, I am.
75
00:03:21,602 --> 00:03:23,671
You know, I...
I don't want to flaunt
76
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:29,510
my strong assertiveness by,
you know, asking for stuff.
77
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:33,013
Alan, you need
to tell your brother
78
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,449
well, then that is just
his tough noogies.
79
00:03:35,516 --> 00:03:38,319
Okay, I will tell him.
80
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,421
Good.
But slowly.
81
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,290
In increments.
82
00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,157
As I did with the butter.
83
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:47,027
And how long did that take?
84
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,597
That is not important.
85
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,632
What's important is this is now
86
00:03:51,699 --> 00:03:53,667
a low sodium,
heart smart household.
87
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:58,939
She's living here.
88
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,775
He moved her in
right under my nose.
89
00:04:01,842 --> 00:04:03,043
So?
90
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:06,680
So this is
the unsalted butter again,
91
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:09,850
but, you know, writ large.
92
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:13,954
"What difference?"
93
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,055
Are you kidding?
94
00:04:15,122 --> 00:04:16,790
First it's him
and his stinky kid
95
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:20,027
and now he's shacking up
with Strawberry Shortcake!
96
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,095
He pays rent,
doesn't he?
97
00:04:22,162 --> 00:04:23,564
I don't know.
98
00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:24,932
Once, maybe.
99
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,735
He says he did.
100
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:31,138
So why do you care
who he has in his room?
101
00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:33,474
I care because...
102
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:34,842
There's a principle involved.
103
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:35,843
"A principle"?
104
00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:38,346
Yes! I made a rule.
105
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:41,982
Ooh, you made a rule.
106
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,617
Yes, I made a rule.
107
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:44,718
And I'm making another one.
108
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,087
You do not get
to mock my rules.
109
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,089
You're being silly, Charlie.
110
00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,491
Melissa is
a wonderful girl.
111
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:52,993
They love each other
and she makes him happy.
112
00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:56,129
And I care about
that because...?
113
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:58,966
Because the Charlie Harper
that I fell in love with
114
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:01,335
cares about other
people's happiness.
115
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:04,137
That's the Charlie Harper
you fell in love with, huh?
Yes.
116
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:06,974
Well, joke's on you.
117
00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:08,876
That whole nice guy
thing was a big act
118
00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:10,944
to get you to have sex with me.
119
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,480
Ha-ha.
120
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:15,282
I know you'll do the
right thing, Charlie.
121
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,051
Oh, you do, huh?
122
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:26,394
* Men. *
123
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:29,430
Hey.
124
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:30,831
Hey.
Got a minute?
125
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:31,899
I'm reading.
126
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,901
Okay, we'll talk later.
127
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:37,204
(door opens and closes)
128
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:40,508
(muffled arguing)
129
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:45,078
MELISSA (muffled):
Damn it, Alan, get
back out there!
130
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:47,515
(door opens and closes)
131
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:49,650
Hey-ho.
132
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:52,052
What do you want, Alan?
Well...
133
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:55,556
as you know, I pay my fair share
of rent around here.
134
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:59,126
We probably have different
definitions of "fair."
135
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,429
And "share."
136
00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,564
And "rent," but go on.
137
00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:06,366
I-I-I just don't think
I need your permission
138
00:06:06,434 --> 00:06:08,035
when it comes to Melissa
living with me.
139
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:10,804
Well, you're wrong.
Nice talking to you.
140
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:14,207
Charlie.
141
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,443
This is my house.
142
00:06:15,509 --> 00:06:16,910
Not yours, mine.
143
00:06:16,977 --> 00:06:18,846
And the fact is,
if Melissa moves in,
144
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:21,415
that means you've got more
people living here than I do.
145
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,883
So?
146
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,653
So there's a principle
involved...
147
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:32,159
...that we must discuss.
148
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,995
Okay, so what's
the principle?
149
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:43,437
The principle is that...
150
00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:46,940
you're my brother
and I want you to be happy.
151
00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:51,278
So Melissa can stay?
152
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:52,446
I mean, move in?
153
00:06:56,216 --> 00:06:58,051
Sure.
154
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:01,989
Well, all right then.
155
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,362
(exclaims)
156
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:14,101
* Men. *
157
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,237
You know,
I was thinking.
158
00:07:17,304 --> 00:07:19,507
You've got me.
Alan's got Melissa.
159
00:07:19,573 --> 00:07:21,542
Even Jake's got a girlfriend.
160
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:24,344
We need to find somebody
for Sir Lancelot.
161
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,181
Your cat?
162
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,884
Yeah. Doesn't he deserve
some happiness?
163
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,687
He can lick his own crotch.
What else does he need?
164
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,826
Come on, Charlie.
165
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:40,694
All right.
166
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:43,363
How about we get him
a nice lady coyote?
167
00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:45,533
Charlie!
168
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,701
What? It'd be good
for ol' Lance.
169
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,937
Get a little exercise
running for his life.
170
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,005
You're terrible.
171
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,007
(phone ringing)
172
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:56,510
Let the machine get it.
173
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:59,179
ALAN: (on recording)
Hi, this is Alan.
174
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:01,649
We're not home right now
and neither are Charlie
and Chelsea.
175
00:08:01,715 --> 00:08:02,883
Well, Charlie might be
home, but he's probably
176
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,484
in no condition
to answer the phone.
177
00:08:04,552 --> 00:08:06,687
(Alan and Melissa laughing)
178
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:11,224
BOTH:
Leave a message
when you hear the beep.
179
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:12,760
Beep!
180
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,261
(machine beeps)
181
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:15,462
EVELYN (on machine):
Hello, Charlie?
182
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,565
It's your mother.
183
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:20,367
Remember me?
184
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:23,136
for roughly
seven and a half months.
185
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,639
Anyway, I'd say call me,
but what's the point?
186
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:26,974
I've long since
given up expecting
187
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,077
any kind of consideration...
(machine beeps)
188
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:35,048
"Seven and a half months"?
189
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,751
he wouldn't have invented
C-sections and incubators."
190
00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:40,087
Oh, hey, all.
191
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:44,157
We're home.
192
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:45,893
(sotto voce):
Charlie?
193
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,595
Hi.
194
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:51,398
Oh, uh, just so you know,
195
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,067
and you guys can
take the top and we'll
split the door, okay?
196
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:57,237
That's a great idea.
197
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:58,572
Be quiet.
198
00:08:58,639 --> 00:08:59,940
I bought it.
I paid for it.
199
00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,610
Charlie!
The whole thing,
not just half.
200
00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:05,245
Stop being a child.
201
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:08,048
a grape soda just because
I put it on the wrong shelf!
202
00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,484
Mind if we join you guys?
Sure.
203
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,153
What are we watching?
(The Odd Couple theme plays)
204
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,888
An Odd Couple rerun.
205
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:17,157
Oh, I never really
liked that show.
206
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,526
Why not?
I don't really
buy the premise.
207
00:09:19,593 --> 00:09:21,128
I mean, you know,
who in his right mind
would put up with somebody
208
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,530
who drives him crazy
for all those years?
209
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:32,472
I mean, it would be
different if they
were related.
210
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,510
* Men. *
211
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,083
Oh, yeah.
Barrel of monkeys.
212
00:09:43,150 --> 00:09:45,318
I'm so excited
about that big punch bowl.
213
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,254
You know what would be
really exciting?
214
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,356
Next time you ask me to go
shopping with you,
215
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:52,025
use it to cave in my skull.
216
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:54,261
(surfing music plays)
217
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,299
What the hell is this?
218
00:09:59,366 --> 00:10:01,134
Oh, look who's here.
219
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,203
Hey, dude, party down.
220
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,974
What are you doing?
221
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,575
We invited a few friends over.
222
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,343
You don't have any friends.
223
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:11,979
Yeah, but Melissa does.
224
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,947
So now they're mine, too.
225
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,849
They don't
really like you.
226
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,317
They do, too.
227
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:19,352
Dream on, meat puppet.
228
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,189
Who said you could have a party?
229
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:24,357
I'm sorry.
I thought we lived here.
230
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,459
Must we check with you
about everything we do?
231
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,829
Yes!
232
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:31,431
What's that guy drinking?
233
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:32,766
Is that my grape soda?
234
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,601
It was on our shelf.
235
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:35,969
What'd I tell ya?
236
00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:39,372
Okay, that's it.
Charlie...
237
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,374
No-no-no. No, no, this is
not acceptable.
238
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,276
Hey, everybody!
239
00:10:44,211 --> 00:10:45,946
Everybody listen up.
240
00:10:46,013 --> 00:10:47,014
(music stops)
241
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,182
Party's over.
242
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:52,319
Pack up your crap and get out.
243
00:10:56,556 --> 00:10:58,325
I'm not kidding!
244
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,362
One.
245
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:03,864
I'm counting to three,
by the way.
246
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,367
Two.
247
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:10,137
Ah, screw it.
248
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,839
I'll leave.
249
00:11:11,905 --> 00:11:12,973
Charlie.
250
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:14,374
Forget it.
I'm out of here.
251
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:20,147
(crowd chatter)
252
00:11:20,213 --> 00:11:22,850
* Men.
253
00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,420
* Men.
254
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,689
Okay, I think you're
really overreacting,
255
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:34,094
but if you want to spend
the night at a hotel, fine.
256
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:38,465
No, I will not come over there
for a quickie.
257
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:40,868
Good-bye, Charlie.
258
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,903
He just needs to cool off.
259
00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:46,539
We're really sorry, Chelsea.
260
00:11:46,606 --> 00:11:47,140
before inviting
our friends over.
261
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,042
Your friends?
262
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,612
Maybe we just need
some kind of system
263
00:11:52,679 --> 00:11:55,348
where we give each other
a heads up about guests.
264
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:56,483
That's a great idea.
265
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,885
Excuse me.
266
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,854
Since when do you two call
the shots around here?
267
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:02,555
What are you
talking about?
268
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,724
(scoffs)
269
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:07,694
All right, ladies,
270
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:10,263
let's make something very clear.
271
00:12:13,533 --> 00:12:14,835
that needs to be honored.
272
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:15,969
Oh, really?
273
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:17,537
And what might that be?
274
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:18,671
Wow.
275
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:19,639
(laughs)
276
00:12:19,706 --> 00:12:21,708
Do I have to spell it out?
277
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:23,143
Please do.
278
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,312
Fine.
279
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:29,049
When Charlie is not here,
I am in charge.
280
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:39,659
That's okay, isn't it?
281
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:43,263
* Men.
282
00:12:43,330 --> 00:12:45,498
(indistinct voices on TV)
283
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:47,634
(knocking)
284
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:48,802
Yeah?
285
00:12:48,869 --> 00:12:50,370
ALAN (in goofy voice):
Room service.
286
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:02,349
Guess who got himself kicked out
of the house.
287
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,885
Ow! Ow!
288
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:07,120
Cut it out!
Cut it out!
289
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,624
What are you
doing here, Alan?
290
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,593
Honestly, I didn't have
any place else to go.
291
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,996
Yeah, well, I got news
for you. You still don't.
292
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:20,167
Oh, come on, Charlie.
293
00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:22,802
I know, I know. I might have
crossed a bit of a line.
294
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,572
A bit of a line?
295
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,807
You moved your girlfriend into
my house without telling me.
296
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:30,110
You invited strangers over
without my permission.
297
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,312
And then, then, to add
insult to injury,
298
00:13:32,379 --> 00:13:35,215
you show up here with
your ugly friggin' dummy?!
299
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:36,283
Did you hear that?
300
00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:38,518
He called you ugly.
301
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:42,222
Good-bye, Alan.
302
00:13:42,289 --> 00:13:44,491
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
303
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:45,525
I...
304
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,160
I brought a peace offering.
305
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,429
That's my
ten-year-old Scotch!
306
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:50,297
No, it's not.
307
00:13:50,363 --> 00:13:51,664
Yes, it is.
308
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,335
I saw him
take it.
Oh!
309
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:58,105
Damn it, Danny,
what is wrong with you?
310
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:02,809
What's wrong with me?
311
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,678
All right, all right,
enough. Enough.
312
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:08,048
If I'm gonna
drink scotch,
313
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:09,116
I'm gonna need ice.
314
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,583
There's a machine down the hall.
315
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,652
Be right back.
316
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:22,162
Yeah, like I don't have ice.
317
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,066
* Men. *
318
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,674
Thanks for letting
me back in.
319
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:36,876
You were crying
in the hallway.
320
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:41,781
The other guests complained.
321
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:44,884
Still, it's very
considerate of you.
322
00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:47,087
Shut up and drink my scotch.
323
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,590
Cheers.
324
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:52,792
Bite me.
325
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:56,896
This is kind
of fun, though.
326
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:02,769
Swell.
327
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:06,373
Remember that time
Mom took us on that
Caribbean cruise?
328
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:07,274
We had our own cabin.
329
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,541
Yeah.
330
00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,211
Took us three days to figure out
Mom was on another boat.
331
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,649
Good times.
Mmm.
332
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,354
We've lost our
house, Charlie.
333
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,560
Your house.
334
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:28,895
We've lost your house.
335
00:15:28,962 --> 00:15:31,264
I know.
336
00:15:31,331 --> 00:15:32,465
How did this happen?
337
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:35,402
Slowly.
338
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:37,704
In increments.
339
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,506
Starting with the butter.
340
00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,775
I can see that now.
341
00:15:42,842 --> 00:15:45,245
The problem is, the women have
established a beachhead.
342
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:46,379
(chuckling)
343
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,315
What?
344
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,882
Nothing. Nothing.
345
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:53,253
You just reminded me why
I bought a house in Malibu.
346
00:15:55,355 --> 00:15:58,791
The thing is,
347
00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:00,760
I don't mind that.
348
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:02,662
No, no, we need a plan.
349
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,231
We need to figure out
some way
350
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,066
to drive a wedge
between those two.
351
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:07,134
You know, divide and conquer.
352
00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:08,601
Oh, yeah, but how?
353
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:11,104
I'm not sure.
354
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,672
Maybe we should sleep on it.
355
00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,243
Want to watch
some porn first?
356
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,413
No.
357
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,383
Why not?
358
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,921
I'm drunk in bed in a hotel room
with my brother,
359
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:32,259
and you want to know
why I don't want to watch porn?
360
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:36,229
Okay. Okay, I get it.
361
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:38,465
You don't want
to watch porn.
362
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:50,543
Mind if I watch?
363
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,782
(Danny screaming)
364
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,552
* Men. *
365
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,421
So they both just
up and left, huh?
366
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:02,289
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
367
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:05,024
Those boneless chickens.
368
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:09,028
They'll be back.
369
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:09,929
Damn right.
370
00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,664
Girl power, my bitches.
371
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,335
Hey, Berta, why don't
you whip us up
372
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:16,936
some French toast
to celebrate?
373
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:24,577
Or, uh, we could do it.
374
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,979
Good plan...
375
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,548
my bitches.
376
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,552
(door closes)
EVELYN:
Hello, anybody home?
377
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,421
In here.
378
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,289
Oh, what a nice surprise.
379
00:17:36,356 --> 00:17:38,158
Good morning, ladies.
380
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:40,160
Berta.
381
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,195
Botox.
382
00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:45,365
So where are the
boys this morning?
383
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:49,236
Oh, well, Charlie's
off sulking in a hotel.
384
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,537
Oh, really?
385
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:51,971
Well, what about Alan?
386
00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:54,774
Oh, Alan's too
cheap for a hotel.
387
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,310
I see.
And what brought this on?
388
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:58,945
A lot of macho nonsense.
389
00:17:59,011 --> 00:18:01,648
Mm, and Alan?
390
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,983
Just nonsense.
391
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:08,087
No kidding.
392
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:11,758
Thank you.
Thank you.
393
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:15,027
have managed to put aside your
somewhat distasteful history
394
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,130
and bond the way
you obviously have.
395
00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:18,531
What distasteful history?
396
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,801
Oh, come on,
let them make my
breakfast first.
397
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:23,803
What are you
talking about, Evelyn?
398
00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:27,407
A lot of women might resent
the former lover of their fiancé
399
00:18:27,474 --> 00:18:29,676
living in the same
house as them.
400
00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:33,580
It ain't me, start cooking.
401
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:35,782
You and Charlie?
402
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,250
Just one little weekend.
403
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,586
But believe me, if I knew
what kind of man he was,
404
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:40,920
I never would have
let him touch me.
405
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,289
What's that
supposed to mean?
406
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:43,423
Oh, he's fine for you.
407
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:44,757
Fine for me?!
408
00:18:44,824 --> 00:18:46,593
Well, I've got an early meeting.
409
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:49,662
Nice to see you girls.
410
00:18:49,729 --> 00:18:50,830
Why didn't you
tell me?!
411
00:18:50,897 --> 00:18:51,998
I thought you
were my friend!
412
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:53,533
MELISSA:
I'm your friend?!
413
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,168
(arguing continues)
414
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:58,405
CHELSEA:
Hey, if it weren't for me,
415
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:01,741
I believe the balance of power
is restored.
416
00:19:01,808 --> 00:19:03,510
Thanks, Mom.
417
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:04,844
Thank you.
418
00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:09,449
You owe me large.
419
00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,486
* Men. *
420
00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:18,625
* Men. *
421
00:19:18,691 --> 00:19:24,564
but if you want to spend
the night in a hotel
422
00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:28,601
that's fine.
423
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:31,238
Kidding. Love you.
424
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,305
Damn.
425
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:34,341
Hey, at least Chelsea's
coming back.
426
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,909
Melissa said she'll never
set foot in this house again.
427
00:19:36,976 --> 00:19:39,679
All's well that ends well, huh?
428
00:19:40,913 --> 00:19:43,049
Bite me.
429
00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:50,823
Oh, come on, the important thing
is, we got the house back.
430
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:53,125
And we're once again
kings of the castle.
431
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,361
That's true.
432
00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:56,095
Hey, Celeste and
I are going to be
433
00:19:56,162 --> 00:19:57,764
studying in my room.
Okay.
434
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,099
Oh, right.
435
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:01,334
Set another place for dinner.
436
00:20:01,401 --> 00:20:02,602
She's going to be
joining us.
437
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,405
Fine.
438
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:09,276
Also, she's a vegetarian,
so no meat.
439
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:10,777
Got it.
440
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,011
Come on, Jake.
441
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:14,213
Coming.
442
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,984
Kings of the castle, my ass.
443
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,219
We're whipped
unto the third generation.
29742
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