All language subtitles for The Vicar of Dibley - 01x05 - Election.Unspecified.English.updated.Addic7ed.com

Mister... Horton...

had...

a shag...

..pile...

..car...

pet

installed. Frank.

I'm not absolutly convinced that
this new shorthand is helping.

Sorry I'm late.

Sheep exploded. Nasty business.

Would you like a quick recap?
Well make it quick...

The buggers are popping
like champagne corks out there.

First, the apologies.
Then the council agreed,

to give ?200
to the Scots.

What the hell for?

I miss 10 minutes
and you all go mad.

Why the hell
should we give the Scots money?

Calm down.
The SCOUTS, Frank.

Oh, right.

We also gave ?20...

to the Save The
...Chickens Fund.

Moving on! Any other business?
Yes, actually.

I'm on local radio next week.

Does anyone have any requests?

Oh yes please, we need a bus
for the Women's Institute.

We're going to see those
lovely dancers in London.

The Royal Ballet?
No. The Chippendales.

Now I actually meant more,
you know, record requests.

Did you know I used to be a DJ?

What station?
Miss Selfridge FM, Cheltenham.

Oh! There was that lovely record
about someone's face.

Let's Face The Music And Dance.
Torvill and Dean.

Chantilly Face?
Hugo, give me a classic.

Gosh, it's a tricky one,
of cause it has to be Kylie.

The question is which?

Yes, all right.
# What's the matter you? Hey!

♪ Shut uppa, you face! ♪

The-e... parish clerk

requested "Shut Up Your Face"

and the chairman pointed out that
if he heard that song

he'd take
Frank by the testicles,

and swing him round his head till
his screams were heard in Reykjavik.

And now, I believe,
there is just one other

badly-timed piece
of any other business.

Mrs Cropley. Oh, yes.

I just want to say
on behalf of everyone here,

happy birthday, Frank!

Oh, Lovely!

Chocolate!

No. Marmite.

You known Frank
so long, father,

y-you must have hundred's
of funny stories about him.

I know more funny stories
about foot rot!

He's the most tedious man
on God's earth.

Oh, God!... The Dibley Poisoner
does her rounds!

Cake Vicar?

Eh...

Yes, thank you.
Very special thank's.

So.. Doing anything special
on your birthday Frank?

I manured the dahlias. Oh!
Use your own manure?

Obvious I don't mean
your OWN manure.

Although I'm sure it's excellent.

Probably not good for the flowers.
Can you forget I mentioned it?

I WAS thinking of going in to Whitworth
there is a very exciting exhibition -

"Train Timetables of the 1920s."

Unmissable!

Yes, but, unfortunately,
I just couldn't afford the taxi.

Isn't there a bus to Whitworth?
It havn't been a bus here for years.

Ahem!

As you know,
today is Frank's 60th birthday.

What CAN one say about Frank?

He has a huge fund of remarkable
anecdotes about the village.

The day the milkman
was 47 minutes late,

the night the pub TOTALY
ran out of crisps

and the year
he heard a cuckoo in March...

only it turned out to be a pigeon.

Happy days, Happy days!

In fact, we often say,
you should write these

wonderful memories down Frank.
-Good thought!

Instead of telling us.....
all the damn time!

To Frank!

TO FRANK!
Thank you!

I forgot to give you this.

Oh, Mr Chairman. Really,
you shouldn't have! Thank you...

It's the bill for the wine.

By the way.. The district
council election is in two weeks,

I presume I can count
on your vote?

You certainly can.

I hope you will be
voting for him too, Vicar.

Well, he can't be any worse

than the one we've got
at the moment, can he?

Who IS our present
councillor, actually?

Mr Completely Invisible?

Mr Total And Utter Dingbat?

Representing the Do Sod-All Party?!

David!

It's you, isn't it?

I think you'll find
that the huge majority

are very happy
with the job I'v been doing.

No, no, no. Not really.

It would be nice to have a bus,
wouldn't it?

You know,..Transport.
...Like in the good old 1870s.

If you look at my latest campaign leaflet.

I think you find that a bus service,
is one of my top priority.

Oh., wonderful idea!

It was one of your priorities

at the last TWO election's as well,
wasn't it?.

-Mmm! Ye-es..
Now,if you will all excuse me...

(I will speak to you later, Vicar.)

Nibble, Vicar?

It's chocolate spread.

Chocolate?
Yeah, yeah...

You promise?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

All right then, I will.

Very...
...unusual taste.

Yeah, well, I put in a bit of
tarasalamata there as well!

Did you?

Will you, excuse me
just a minute!

Are you feeling better, Vicar?

Not really...
Oh, no...

God.. I had a terrible night.
My bottom had a worse one.

Those chocolate sandwiches!

That Cropley woman really is
the queen of cordon bleurgh!

I just don't know who to vote for.
...They're all SO nice.

Well...

Who did you..
Oww!...

Oo...Aow.. Who did you vote for
in the general election?

O'..I couldn't choose
between them.

In the end
I didn't tick anyone.

I just put a big cross
against the Tory,

to make sure he absolutely
wouldn't get in.

Coming! With a big, sore
baboon's bottom!

Ah.. District councillor,
all-round gorgeous guy,

and not at all a ding-bat!

Alice an I were just
talking about you.

Trying to lose me another voter?

Oh, Hugo...
That's an interesting emblem.

What is it?

It's, e... Taramasalata, actually.
I.. spilled it last night.

I'd like to speak to the vicar
..privately.

Right....

She'll be back in a tick. She just
went to get the front door.

I'll tell her you're here.

Alice, look who it is.

Oh.. That's a coincidence.
Your father's here as well.

You pair of big bananas -
you should have come together.

Why don't you two little bunny rabbits
hop off in to the kitchen,

and make coffee
while David and I chat, eh?

Hello!

I've got
taramasalata on my tie.

Oh, it's VERY nice.
Yes. ...I rather like it.

I didn't do it on purpose,

but... I WILL in the future,
since YOU like it!

I'm all ears, David.

Well, I come strait
to the point Vicar...

Oww! ...Are you all right?
Yes, yes, Carry on.

Very well.. I will thank you, not to interfere in this election.

I will not be undermined
by a left-wing priest

spreading hard-core Marxism
in my constituency.

I see.
What was that Socialist tract

you were spouting
from the pulpit last week?

I got a feeling it was
"The sermon on the mount"!

Sorry, Jesus did not tell rich people
to give their money away.

I think you'll find he did actually!

Oh... Nonsens.
What did he say to the sick man?

"Take up thy bed and walk."

In other words,
"Help yourself...On your bike."

Sorry..., sorry, sorry!
Can I just check this?

Are you trying to establish a link
between Jesus and Norman Tebbitt?

There are similarities.
There bloody are not!

Well, ...whatever.
Ye-es!

I think you find that Our Lord
very rarely mentioned anything

about unprofitable
local buses.

Oh, no! Look! How wrong
can a man be, ..here it is?

"And the Lord did returned
from the desert and said

and said to his disciples,

"I'v been worried a lot
about the Shopper Hopper."

O' Yes. And here.
Lower down.

"And he saw that they were poor
and in deep distress.

"So he did built them
an enormous great golf course."

Got something against golf?
Apart from the stupid trousers?

And the fact that the council,
swe-etly, payed ?2,000 to Nick Faldo

to open our totaly unnecessary
local golf course?

I mean, Nick Faldo!

He's got as much personality
as a 6' 4" asparagus!

Nine iron, Nick Faldo -
who's more interesting?

So..Tell me,
nine iron...

Coffee's up! Time to go, Hugo.
Quite right. I think the vicar

grasped the fact that she
should keep out of politics.

Absolutely!
Father takes care of all that.

And he does an enormous amount
on the town-twinning committee.

Well, Yes, in the matter of fact,
I do. Come a long Hugo..

The months he spends
flying back and foward

to France and Italy
on our behalf is amazing.

But we're not yet actually
twinned with anyone, are we?

No. But he's narrowed it down to
two charming places in Tuscany

and three delightful beeches
on the Riviera. -Hugo..

Look! A lovely picture of you
and Mr Horton on his new leaflet.

Look, David Horton
is a regular churchgoer.

What's this all about?

Time to move on, Hugo.
Vicar, I bid you farewell!

Oh, He definitely
gets MY vote.

He must the best
if YOU'RE supporting him.

Am I f...finally going to get
some of that coffee Alice?

I must get ready to go on the radio,
I'm really looking forward to it now.

I'm... Oww! Oh, my bottom!

Now.. If we take a look
at the computer,

-And this is just
a bit of fun, remember-,

we can see that David Horton
is predicted to get 63% of the vote.

Now, he only got 61% last time.

That's a swing of 2%
from the Liberal-Democrats.

Where does that 2% come from?
...Here!

17 Woodley Close, ...Owned by
Mrs and Mrs Slater 4 years ago.

But they sold it
to the Brothertons.

Now, If you translate this district
result to the House of Commons,

-And this
is just a bit of fun, Remember-

there's David Horton
on the government benches,

and there he is on the
opposition benches as well.

How did the canvassing go?
Oh, it's all looking frightfully good!

I went round
every house in the village.

Oh, well done!

One chap, I actually liked him,
he talked to me for ages.

Mr Smewen.

Hugo,
He's the LABOUR candidate.

Oh?

Well,
I've got him down as a possible.

He seemed very keen.

We spent hours just chatting
and addressing envelopes.

Addressing envelopes?
-Yes.

I delivered them for him
on my way round.

He'd written to everyone
in the village... Lovely man....

Have there been any calls?

Only one....
You don't want to talk to the Vicar

about the buses and the election,
do you? -No..

The clergy should keep their
communist conks out of politics.

Yes.., thats what I said.
Oh, here she comes again.

Where?

No, no, no. On the radio.
"Neil Gittons here on Radio Badger."

"Coming up soon, our nostalgia spot,
-We Thought You Were Dead-."

"But now talking to local vicar
Geraldine Granger"

"who's up in arms
about a bus service for Dibley."

"Well, the thing is Neil,
we got a golf course,"

"wich we need
like the Pope needs condoms,"

"but we haven't had buses
for 12 years." -This is outrageous!

"You feel your district councillor
is responsible. Councillor Horton."

"Thats, -H-O-R-T-O-N-"
Why wasn't I invited to take part?

"I should remind listener
out there in -Badger- land,"

"that Councillor Horton WAS invited
to take part in this programme,"

"but he declined."
-I did WHAT ?

"According to his election agent,
Big David Horton, say, and I quote:"

"The clergy should keep their
communist conks out of politics."

See? I got you word for word!

"Geraldine, you've got a
Big Badger request."

"That's right Neil.
It's for handsome Hugo,"

"who wouldn't mind a date
with THIS lady."

"Well, SHE should be so lucky!"

It had to be, the original,
The classic!

Contraception. Why didn't I think
of contraception?

"You a Kylie fan, Vicar?
Of course."

"Though I like more "grrr!"
Less "ooh!"

"And Madonna? I'm a fan of both -
the real one AND Jesus' mother."

"Now it's Ruby Turner..."

"And we pray that David Horton"

"stops playing golf long enough
to DO something for our village."

"we agreed during that record that
we're not going to talk any more"

"about David Horton... And his abject
failure to give us a bus service."

You were very good.
Oh, ...Thanks, Alice.

You've got a special radio voice too.
Have I? Yes!

You put on a bit of an Irish accent.
Really?! Yes.

And you put a lovely kind of
relaxed, motherly tone

when you did that
lemon meringue recipe.

Did I mention the buses at all?

Not as much as I'd expected.

Do you know what Alice,
I think you find

you spent the afternoon
listening to Gloria Hunniford.

Oh!

Excuse me!

What's going on here?

We heard you on the radio and
we've got a plan. Placards, please.

Right Captain!

Wrong way round, Frank.

We thought long and hard about it,
and after much disussion and

debate, we've decided that
Mr Horton is a total Bastard!

No, no, no, no. That's right.

So we want YOU
to stand for the elections.

Oh, thats Ridiculous!
I mean, -ONE- I'm not a candidate,

and -TWO- the only
official organisations I belong to

are The Tufty Club and
Take That Anonymous.

We've worked out a campaign song.

♪ Don't you argue, don't you bicker!
Vote for Gerry, She's our vicar! ♪

And Owen been working on
a dirty tricks campaign,

in case anything turns nasty.

That's right.
We've got alternative placards.

(Remember when poor old
Doris Hall got run over)

(David Horton does)

And an alternative song.

"In the old days, you'd vote for
Horton 'cos you thought you oughta."

"But remember,"

"he's not only had your votes,
he's also had your daughter."

Have you told anyone about this?

Everyone.
Everyone!

He's as doomed as a virgin
on a date with Rod Stewart.

You win, hands down!

Nonsense!

D'you really think so?

Ahem!

I just wonder if you will be
voting for Councillor Horton?

Horton? H-O-R-T-O-N?
Yes.

Can he depend on YOUR vote?
No.

Are you sure? He's jolly nice.
I am voting for the vicar.

Oh, right. Well...
she's jolly nice, too.

Hello, David. Something wrong?

Yes. There IS a tiny hiccup.

Apparently I'm about to suffer
the worst election defeat since

Enoch Powell stood in Brixton
on the "whites only" ticket.

And do you know
who they're voting for?

Is it that charming Mr Smewen?
Bad complexion...

Not Smewen.
The entirely village is voting for YOU.

ME?
Little me?

Silly little me and my dog collar?
NO, Surely not!

Actually,
I HAD heard a rumour.

But I just ignored it because,
after all, ..you are SO popular.

And besides, I didn't think I
could stand for District Cuncillor.

Yes, well, If Gyles Brandreth
can stand for parliament,

who knows what's legal anymore.

Well...
I tell you this David..

if this is happening,

if for some crazy reason,
every single nitwit in this

wacky mad village IS going
to vote for little old me,

it's a looney turn of events, cos
I don't want to be a councillor.

Well..
I'm glad to hear it.

So I'll have to advise
my supporters who to vote for.

Mmm! Well! On the one hand,
we've got Kevin Smewen,

short, ..face like an
international spot convention

Have as much carisma
as a pair of nylon underpants

BUT with a very good heart.

On the other hand...

Oh, dear!

Now... Obviously,
I SHOULD speak to Clearasil Kev.

But if you and I could come
to some arrangement David...

if I could run a few policy
changes up the flagpole

and see if you salute them,

undress a few ideas, see if you
get into bed and shag'em,

well, maybe, just MAYBE we could
come to some accommodation.

How does that grab you,
..Davy boy?

What exactly do you have in mind?

Well, diddy!

We could visit some constituents,
make a few election promises.

Vicar!

Mr Horton.
Hello...

Letitia.

I thought I'd might just pop round
to see if there was anything

we Tories can do
for you in particular.

Oh, Lovely.
You're just in time for tea.

Oh, Splendid.

Another slice?

Oh. Yes. Please..
Who would ever have thought

that raspberry and roast potato
would make such a tasty combination?

Vicar?
Eh...no. I won't.

I wouldn't want to deprive
David of his thirds!

Now, let us see,
the other day you mentioned

something about
a bus for the W.I.

Oh, yes..

Every year, Mildred and I
ask for a small grant for a bus.

Every year we get turned down.

Utter Madness!
You know how much

I believe
in the Women's Institute.

If the sex change operation
were cheaper, Letitia.

I would actually become a woman
on my 60th birthday in order to join

that fabulous organisation.
Mmm. Parsnip brownie?

Bliss! I promise you,
we will make that grant,

provided, of course,
I get elected.

Oh, I'll be voting for you.
If that's all right by you Vicar.

Oh, Yes. Splendid.
Well, I think we must be going.

Ah, Jim, my old mate,
how are you?

Sorry I-I was just taking a little nap.
-In your mac?

No, no, no, no.
Yes, that's right.

We've got this leak in the bedroom,
you see.

Ah..Yes. That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

The Tories are absolutly determined
to wipe out all bedroom leaks

by the end of next year.
...Apparently

No, no, no. Oh, good news.

Just let me tell the wife. Doris!

Are you busy?

Yes, yes, yes, yes. No.
David Horton...

and the vicar.

Yes, yes, yes. YES.

Do they want to come in?
No, no, no. Haven't asked them!

Have you got a pot on?
Yes, yes, yes, yes. No!

But I CAN put one on.
Would you like some tea?

Mr Horton sir, did I ever tell you
about the time I went to the pub

and they'd completely
run out of crisps?

Ohh!

Ha..That was MY reaction!

Pork scratchings, they had
hundreds! Peanuts, lots.

But crisps, not one.

I mean, not a SINGLE one.

I know you do,

I don't know why you haven't
told me this before Frank!

It's such a winner!

You think THAT'S
a great story!

You obviusly havn't heard
the one about the time,

when the milkman was late?!

Look Frank, as much as
I would love to stay and listen

to more of these
riveting tales, I must go.

But I want to assure you
that if you vote for me,

within 6 months, there will be
buses running through Dibley

twice a week. Ahem! Day. Ahem!
Hour. I think it's only right.

Oh, that's VERY good news.
-Splendid.

So I declare....
David Horton

returned as the district councillor
for Dibley and Whitworth.

Thank you..
Thank you..

I'm proud.., to carry the
conservative commitment to Europe

further than ever before.

Dibley will be twinned with,
not one...or two...

but with every single
country in Europe!

Except Belgium!

Come in, come in!
Join the celebrations!

Oh, Thanks.

Unfortunate it's a bit
of a poor turnout.

Father got tempted away
by Tory cronies.

But Bruno and I
are having a ripping time.

Lovely!
Twiglet?

Yes please!

No I wont thank's. I always
think they taste a bit like dog poo.

Yes..
Yes they do actually!

You know Hugo,

I've got high very hopes
for your dad this time.

Scratch that crusty surface
and you find a kind-hearted man.

Yes isn't he, and I'm told,

really very attractive
to a.. certain kind of lady.

Yes, It's a shame that we dont
get more bald women around here

Any other business?
Yes. Regarding the elections.

You'll be getting MY vote,
don't you worry..

Frank,
the election was YESTERDAY.

Ohh! I'd like to congratulate
our new councillor.

Particularly in light
of the promises he made!

Well..., yes..
I wanted to talk about that.

Unfortunately, I've been
scrutinising our local finances,

and I fear.. that it is unlikely
we will have the funds for,

well.., lets say..

the Women's Institute
or a local bus service.

What?!

I'm terrible sorry.
If anyone is unhappy about this

You will, of course, have the chance
to express your dissatisfaction,

democratically, on October 4th.

1999.

Thank you. Excuse me, I have to
go and greet a foreign visitor.

On behalf of you all, of course.

I vote we kill him.

No, no, no, no.
So do I.

I could poison him, if you like.

No-one would ever know.

No. It's too quick. Too merciful.
I think we should stretch it out.

Hit him where it really hurts.

Actually increased my majority.

Good news David. So, the twinning
visits will continue. Absolutely.

I hope you will join me
in Spain. -Most certainly!

You'll enjoy the golf here.
The villagers don't really play,

so it's like having my own course.
-Morning David!

Good shot,

Mrs Ballesteros!
Be hard to match THAT one!

What are YOU doing here?
I do belive I'm playing golf...

on our PUBLIC golf course.

Oh.. Damn!

Looks like we'll be here a while.
What shot are you on, Mrs C?

Hundred and eleven.

Hundred and eleven...
Fantasicly good value, golf.

I mean, every hole is practically
an hour's entertainment.

Oh, my God!
Sorry, Vicar!

Oh dont you worry Frank,

a few little holes never
did anyone any harm.

We'll go on to the second.
Good idea.

You can join
Alice and Hugo.

The rest of the W.I.
are on holes 3-12.

Can I just say, David,
this is a wonderful facility.

Bonjour, monsieur!

I mean, all our pensioners
could be out here playing every day.

Watch out, Woosnam!

Oh, Fantastically
good shot, Frank!

That will soon be a bunker!

You know Vicar, I think we might
be able to squeeze a little money

for a bus service after all.

I'll need to use one of these
very heavy wooden clubs.

For this particular shot....
Just prepare the ground...

And maybe a coach for the W.I.

Perhaps I could come round and
discuss it sometime Miss Cropley.

Tea-time tomorrow?
Perhaps not tea.

Lunch then.
I've got a lovely tripe salad.

Actually, I AM sort of
free at tea-time.

Splendid!
All sorted then,

I think that's enough
golf for one day, don't you?

Don't see what you see in it, David.

It's so easy!

Right, just a short one.
Two nuns in a bath.

One says to the other,
"Where's the soap?"

The other one says,
"Yes, it does rather."

Oh...
Yes!

You know Alice, I'm rather
surprised you got that one.

Oh, it's Very funny, that.
Why is that funny Alice?

Well, one of the nuns is deaf,
isn't she?

So the other one says,
"Where's the soap?"

The other one mishears her.
Thinks she said something else.

The other one says, "Yes, it does."
That's right, innit? Yes....

You should tell that one
to your gran. Yeah!