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1
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:45,920
I call this Dibley Parish Council
meeting to order.
Do we have any apologies?
2
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,460
No-no-no-no-no-no, yes.
3
00:00:48,460 --> 00:00:50,260
Jim?
4
00:00:50,260 --> 00:00:52,340
No-no, yes.
5
00:00:52,340 --> 00:00:56,620
I'm sorry I missed
yesterday's bridge evening.
6
00:00:56,620 --> 00:00:59,260
You needn't apologise for that.
7
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:02,440
No-no-no-no-no-no. I WANT to.
8
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:10,000
No. "Apologies" mean you only have
to apologise for not being here.
9
00:01:14,620 --> 00:01:17,120
But I AM here.
10
00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:21,240
I could go away, if you like...
11
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,460
and then come back and apologise
12
00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:27,240
for not bein' here next time.
13
00:01:28,380 --> 00:01:30,860
Moving on.
14
00:01:30,860 --> 00:01:33,440
Item Two - mindless vandalism.
15
00:01:33,440 --> 00:01:38,460
As you probably know, we have an
outbreak of graffiti in the village.
16
00:01:38,460 --> 00:01:43,220
Oh, yes, I saw that. I don't think
you're a prat, Mr Horton.
17
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:56,480
We also seem to have acquired
a village pus office.
18
00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:02,660
Are you keeping up, Frank?
Yes. "Horton's a total prat!"
19
00:02:22,660 --> 00:02:28,220
Sorry I'm late. I was reading
an interesting theory about
St John's Gospel.
20
00:02:28,220 --> 00:02:33,700
Apparently, it was written by
someone called Susan. Amazing!
21
00:02:33,700 --> 00:02:40,380
Sorry to report that last night's
bridge evening, arranged by Frank,
was a disaster.
22
00:02:40,380 --> 00:02:44,780
But this village is known
for community spirit
23
00:02:44,780 --> 00:02:49,100
which we will demonstrate
at the autumn fair
24
00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:51,660
which I shall be organising.
25
00:02:51,660 --> 00:02:55,300
I'm sure we'll equal
last year's £270.
26
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:58,000
Yes, yes. Is that all you got?
27
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:04,000
I've seen BRAS
that cost more than that.
28
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:09,720
It's not Live Aid. We did just dip
below the £60 million last time(!)
29
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:14,280
The woman's right.
All that effort for 200 quid.
30
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:19,300
I propose we all bung in 40 quid
now and forget the whole thing.
31
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,200
It does bring the village together.
32
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:26,340
Thinking, "What a pain
in the arse this is!"
33
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:30,520
No, no, I'm all in favour
of the fair.
34
00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:33,100
We just need it to make more cash.
35
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:38,240
Does Sir Geraldine Geldof have any
ideas how to raise our first mill(?)
36
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:43,100
Well, let's start at the top.
The crucial thing is who opens it.
37
00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:47,960
Yes! Start off with a pompous nobody,
you're doomed.
38
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,760
I bet you were scuppered last year
by a complete local zero.
39
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:55,820
Can anyone remember who it was?
40
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,360
It was me.
41
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,300
"David - a pompous nobody."
42
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:08,000
We'd probably pull a bigger crowd
with someone famous.
43
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,480
Churchill!
Oh, yes.
44
00:04:12,060 --> 00:04:15,480
Winston Churchill.
He's very famous.
45
00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:19,000
I was thinking of someone
still alive.
46
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:23,560
Smart thinking, Top Cat.
Like a television personality.
47
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:27,200
Oh! You mean...Michael Fish?
48
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:32,280
Well, perhaps David IS
the perfect choice after all.
49
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:36,900
No, you have made it quite clear
that I am not good enough.
50
00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:39,500
I'm sure that Mr Fish
51
00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:45,100
or his celebrity friends,
Mr Vegetable or Mrs Potato,
will oblige.
52
00:04:45,100 --> 00:04:49,380
No other business?
We meet in a fortnight.
53
00:04:49,380 --> 00:04:54,320
How about Jack from House Of Elliot?
He's pretty cool. Yeah.
54
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:59,320
I'd like Daniel Day Lewis but maybe
old boyfriends aren't a good idea.
55
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:03,220
Edd the Duck?
He's pretty charismatic.
56
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:05,200
Yes!
57
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:12,040
To think what I've given this
village! Dysentery last year
when that slurry fell in the river.
58
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:19,040
A cup for the flower show.
The David Horton cup. A bench for
the green. The David Horton bench.
59
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:24,120
A hut for the scouts. The scout
hut, "Dedicated to David Horton."
60
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:29,540
I provided the land for the bowling
club. A crucial village amenity!
61
00:05:29,540 --> 00:05:32,080
And what did I get in return?
62
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,700
Money, wasn't it?
63
00:05:34,700 --> 00:05:38,200
I wonder which celebrity she'll get.
64
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:42,160
Mel Gibson? Kevin Costner?
Princess Diana?
65
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,720
Babs just isn't available at all?
66
00:05:44,720 --> 00:05:48,580
What about the other
Beverley Sisters?
67
00:05:48,580 --> 00:05:53,100
Babs' daughter could do it?
I'm sure she'd be perfect!
68
00:05:53,100 --> 00:05:55,680
Is she a singer? Chiropodist.
69
00:05:55,680 --> 00:06:00,680
Well, that doesn't matter. I'm sure
she'll be lovely. Excuse me.
70
00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:07,420
I'm getting excited
by the chiropodist daughter
of a Beverley Sister! No, no, no.
71
00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:12,420
Hello. I'll have to consult with
my committee and get back to you.
72
00:06:12,420 --> 00:06:16,460
Out of interest,
what does she charge? Uh-huh.
73
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,980
For the full massage? Excellent.
74
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:22,300
Thanks. Bye-bye.
75
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:27,340
Afternoon, Vicar. Oh, hello. Have
you got a lovely guest star yet?
76
00:06:27,340 --> 00:06:30,180
Not as such, no. Don't worry.
77
00:06:30,180 --> 00:06:35,400
I had a dream - an angel told me
this fair would be wonderful.
78
00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,660
Alice, sweetheart,
79
00:06:37,660 --> 00:06:42,480
an angel told you Prince Charles
was gonna marry Sinead O'Connor.
80
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,040
I think it's a naughty angel.
81
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,100
But I am gonna help so hard. Oh?
82
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:52,720
Look. Oh. I've made
some soft toys to sell. Ah.
83
00:06:53,860 --> 00:06:55,920
Right, well,
84
00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,480
you can see this one's an elephant.
85
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,800
Yes. It's a lovely elephant.
86
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:05,180
And this is another elephant. Right.
87
00:07:05,180 --> 00:07:09,540
They don't look VERY similar,
do they?
88
00:07:09,540 --> 00:07:13,560
Cos that one's an Indian elephant.
Right.
89
00:07:13,560 --> 00:07:18,140
You can tell by the ears. Because
it's got three, hasn't it?
90
00:07:18,140 --> 00:07:21,080
That's its trunk, silly! Oh.
91
00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:25,860
THAT is a super elephant,
with a proper trunk and everything.
92
00:07:25,860 --> 00:07:28,540
That's a giraffe. That's its neck.
93
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:33,440
You stuffed it with foam?
No, pasta. Pasta? Yeah.
94
00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:37,920
I cooked it first
so it's all nice and squashy
95
00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:42,640
but they can still stand up
and everything. Sort of. Alice,
96
00:07:42,640 --> 00:07:45,220
you haven't read your Epistles.
97
00:07:45,220 --> 00:07:49,660
In St Paul's letter
to the Ephesians, he says,
98
00:07:49,660 --> 00:07:54,680
"My brothers, I ask of you only
two things. First, love the Lord
99
00:07:54,680 --> 00:07:59,240
"and second, stop using pasta
in your soft toys."
100
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,060
No, no.
101
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:07,140
I've an idea.
Why don't we sell these
and not tell people what they are?
102
00:08:07,140 --> 00:08:11,600
Let's say they're creatures
from another planet. Hey!
103
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:16,160
KNOCK AT DOOR
Let's name it. Yes. Planet Elephant!
104
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:20,220
Yeah. Or not.
I'll put the kettle on.
105
00:08:20,220 --> 00:08:24,060
Good afternoon.
Hello, David. Come in.
106
00:08:24,060 --> 00:08:29,720
And Hugo, looking virtually edible
in that radical new jacket. Really?
107
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:34,240
Is flirting taught at theological
colleges(?) In second year.
108
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:38,540
I must put your star guest
in the village newsletter.
109
00:08:38,540 --> 00:08:41,220
Not having difficulties?
110
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:46,180
Well, yes, actually. I had three of
the Nolans in the palm of my hand...
111
00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:48,760
Oh, dear. I am mortified.
112
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:53,000
I had such hopes.
I mean, Michael Fish -
113
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,300
Michael Fish!
114
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:59,840
The Fishster -
in our little village(!)
115
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:04,420
Did you know the vicar
went out with Daniel Day Lewis?
116
00:09:04,420 --> 00:09:06,960
No, I didn't!
Yeah.
117
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,440
But apparently, they split up.
118
00:09:11,940 --> 00:09:17,080
Well, no wonder he looks so skinny
and decided to become a Mohican.
119
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:20,240
Yeah.
120
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:26,760
It must be terrible n-not to be
with the...the woman you l-love.
Oh, yeah.
121
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,260
Terrible that, innit?
122
00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:35,480
I know someone who knows
Debbie McGee's gardener.
123
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:39,840
Come along, Hugo. Sorry, Father.
Bye, Vicar. Bye.
124
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:45,500
Trouble is, I don't know anyone
famous. Join the club.
125
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:49,900
The only showbiz person I know
is my second cousin.
126
00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:52,460
His name's Reg Dwight.
127
00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:55,080
His mum, right, got cross at me once
128
00:09:55,080 --> 00:10:02,980
because I pulled his hair
to stop him playin' the piano
and a whole handful came out.
129
00:10:02,980 --> 00:10:05,220
Reg Dwight...
130
00:10:05,220 --> 00:10:07,800
We called him Baldy!
131
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:11,580
We stopped seeing
that side of the family.
132
00:10:12,740 --> 00:10:15,000
Alice. Mm?
133
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:19,820
I think it's time you contacted
your little cousin. Oh, all right.
134
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:24,520
It would be nice to see old specky
four-eyes again. Look.
135
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:29,360
You mean he turned into Elton John?!
136
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:31,320
YE-E-E-E-ES!
137
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:46,580
God's path is for walking, Alice!
138
00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:48,580
Yes, Mrs Cropley.
139
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:53,400
VICAR PLAYS PIECE BY BACH
140
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,620
He's written back! He's gonna come!
141
00:10:56,620 --> 00:11:02,520
VICAR PLAYS "Saturday Night's All
Right For Fighting" by Elton John
142
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,120
Sad, isn't it, when people fail?
143
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:09,680
They have their little dreams
and just don't quite make it.
144
00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:15,720
Jeremy Bates, Graham Taylor,
our vicar. You don't think
she's found anyone?
145
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:22,520
Our vicar has as many connections
with the rich and famous as I have
with the Black Panther movement(!)
146
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:25,200
They'll beg me to open the fair!
147
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:37,160
Elton John! That's pretty good,
isn't it, Father? Elton John!
148
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:39,760
Hi, Handsome. David, how are you?
149
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:43,540
In perfect health.
We're hunky-dory here.
150
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:47,620
It seemed to me
that she lived her life
151
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:50,120
like a candle in the wind.
152
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:55,960
No-no-no-no-no no doubt about that.
153
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,120
He's a jolly good name.
154
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,280
It's all down to lovely Alice.
155
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:07,320
We won't let the sun
go down on HER.
156
00:12:08,460 --> 00:12:13,520
I'm running my own stall, too.
Creatures from the planet Elton.
157
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:18,440
That looks like an Indian elephant.
Oh, does it?
158
00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:23,340
What about you, Jim? Got a stall?
No-no-no-no-no.
159
00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:27,820
No, I'm doing the loud-speaking
announcements.
160
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,200
I forget who did it last time.
161
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:37,880
At least this year we've got a
professional judge doin' the flowers
162
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:40,360
instead of some awful amateur.
163
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:45,540
Who was it last time? Right.
I'll let you get on with it then.
164
00:12:45,540 --> 00:12:51,760
Come on, Hugo. Great giraffe, too.
Brilliant, just leaving out the head.
165
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:56,300
Ah. Now, Vicar, I've heard about
these rock star types.
166
00:12:56,300 --> 00:13:00,820
I'm afraid he'll be expectin'
someone to supply some drugs.
167
00:13:00,820 --> 00:13:02,880
Ye-es.
168
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:05,320
I've been asking down the pub,
169
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:08,120
and no-one seems to have any heroin.
170
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,680
D'you think Night Nurse will do?
171
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:18,020
Absolutely. Works every time.
Good thinking, Owen.
172
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:23,660
MUSIC: "Daniel" by Elton John
Intolerable!
173
00:13:23,660 --> 00:13:29,080
Why aren't you in bed? We're having
a parade at the end of the fete.
174
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:33,620
People have to come as characters
from Elton John's songs.
175
00:13:33,620 --> 00:13:35,820
Look at Mrs C!
176
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:41,640
Am I mistaken or did Mr John
write a song about Danny La Rue?
177
00:13:41,640 --> 00:13:44,200
No - Marilyn Monroe.
178
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,600
It seemed to him,
179
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:51,380
she lived her life
like a candle in the wind,
180
00:13:51,380 --> 00:13:56,220
never knowing who to cling to
when the rain set in.
181
00:13:56,220 --> 00:14:01,900
I think you'll find, David,
that Jim's our star turn.
Come in, Jim Trott!
182
00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:07,940
A skinhead!
183
00:14:07,940 --> 00:14:12,420
# Saturday night's
all right for fighting! #
184
00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:18,640
Much as I'd like to dress up
as someone who's had
their brain surgically removed,
185
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:24,980
I'm afraid Hugo and I will not have
time to join in this particular
piece of "high-class" entertainment.
186
00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:26,800
Hugo!
187
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:31,380
Get it? I-I'm Dorothy. Wizard of Oz.
188
00:14:31,380 --> 00:14:33,900
"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road".
189
00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:36,560
I borrowed one of Alice's dresses.
190
00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:40,880
Sorry, Father.
191
00:15:03,140 --> 00:15:06,420
ALICE:
Ooh, he should be here in a minute.
192
00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:10,420
Eyes closed. Oh, OK.
Keep 'em closed. Yep.
193
00:15:10,420 --> 00:15:12,400
Oh!
194
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,860
Can't see very well.
195
00:15:16,140 --> 00:15:18,100
Open!
196
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:23,200
He wears them all the time. I know!
197
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:28,260
Perfect, aren't they?
KNOCK AT DOOR
He's here! AAH! AAH!
198
00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:30,740
Ssh! Ssh! Ah! Ah! Ssh!
199
00:15:32,720 --> 00:15:35,820
Well, obviously not.
200
00:15:35,820 --> 00:15:38,140
Ooh. Loo!
201
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:47,160
Hi, Elton. Elton, hi.
202
00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,240
Hello.
203
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:54,100
Hello. I believe
you're expecting me. Reg Dwight?
204
00:15:54,100 --> 00:15:56,500
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
205
00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:03,980
JIM:
'No-no-no-no-no-no parking
is allowed on the upper field.
206
00:16:03,980 --> 00:16:09,640
'No-no-no-no-no refreshments will be
available in the refreshment tent.'
207
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:14,200
Well! Tremendous to see you,
Reg Dwight.
208
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:19,440
This'll be a day I'll never forget.
It's gonna stick in my memory, too.
209
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:24,580
Seein' little Alice after all these
years. Yes. She'll come round soon.
210
00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:29,960
It's the thrill of seeing you,
Reg Dwight.
211
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,520
I'd better just help her up.
212
00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:37,080
Come on, clever Alice
from such a tight-knit family.
213
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,680
Head between your legs, dear.
214
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:45,380
It's an honour to open the fair.
I've only ever opened
a window before.
215
00:16:45,380 --> 00:16:47,940
You? Never opened a fair before?
216
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:51,440
Unbelievable!
A mad world, isn't it?
217
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:56,780
Except once. And they didn't really
want me. They wanted Elton John.
218
00:16:56,780 --> 00:16:59,760
Cos his name used to be Reg Dwight.
219
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:02,320
I didn't know that!
220
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:04,980
Still, I see you like old Elton.
221
00:17:04,980 --> 00:17:10,060
ELTON JOHN TAPE PLAYS
Just a coincidence that that's on.
222
00:17:10,060 --> 00:17:15,560
Completely bored with that now.
Do sit down, Reg Dwight.
223
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,000
(Reg Dwight?!)
224
00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:22,320
Oh, that? That's just Ben Elton.
225
00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:27,060
Oh, I've brought one of my tapes
if you're interested.
226
00:17:27,060 --> 00:17:30,780
The live album. I sing the blues.
227
00:17:30,780 --> 00:17:35,840
Well, that should capture the mood
of the entire audience perfectly.
228
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:40,140
KNOCK AT DOOR
Excuse me a mini-moment.
229
00:17:40,140 --> 00:17:44,120
Hello, Alice.
ALICE MOUTHS: Hello, Reg.
230
00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:47,180
Has he arrived yet?
Yes and no.
231
00:17:47,180 --> 00:17:51,200
Is he the same as on TV?
Not exactly, no.
232
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:55,580
EXCITED GIGGLING
233
00:17:57,560 --> 00:17:59,400
Oh.
234
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:05,240
Hello, there.
He looks a completely
different person without his wig.
235
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:09,020
He IS a completely
different person.
236
00:18:09,020 --> 00:18:11,420
Hello, mate. Hello.
237
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,640
Where's Elton John?
238
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:18,680
HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!
239
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,300
You! He's just...
240
00:18:21,300 --> 00:18:26,080
You were expecting Elton John,
weren't you? No!
241
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:28,140
No. No.
242
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:29,980
No.
243
00:18:29,980 --> 00:18:32,460
Or, if I'm honest,
244
00:18:32,460 --> 00:18:34,440
yes.
245
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:40,920
If I were you,
I'd ask Mr Dwight to open it.
246
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:45,340
If he can fool me and Frank,
he can fool anyone.
247
00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:47,900
You're not typical rock fans.
248
00:18:47,900 --> 00:18:54,140
I've got a Gilbert O'Sullivan
record. The one where
he fancies his little niece.
249
00:18:54,140 --> 00:18:59,820
I'll just have to be honest with
them. It's the only way, isn't it?
Yeah.
250
00:18:59,820 --> 00:19:05,420
How does this sound?
"I just received a phone-call
from Elton John
251
00:19:05,420 --> 00:19:07,980
"and he's very, very sick." Yeah.
252
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,460
"In fact, he's dead." Yeah.
253
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:16,840
'No-no-no-no-no parking
is allowed on the upper field.
254
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:22,420
'Thank you.'
Is that no parking is allowed
in the upper field,
255
00:19:22,420 --> 00:19:26,340
or parking IS allowed
in the upper field?
256
00:19:29,340 --> 00:19:34,380
No-no-no-no-no-no parking
is allowed in the upper field.
257
00:19:34,380 --> 00:19:36,360
OK?
258
00:19:44,540 --> 00:19:50,400
David. Hello. I've just heard the
news. What an unmitigated cock-up!
259
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:55,420
The '87 fair was embarrassing when
kids put cannabis in the cup-cakes
260
00:19:55,420 --> 00:19:59,480
but this really is
the queen of balls-ups.
261
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:04,320
Hundreds expecting Elton John
and you invite Rambling Sid Rumpo.
262
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:09,100
This is Reg Dwight. I bet it is.
I hope you're satisfied.
263
00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,960
I rather liked the fair in '87.
264
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,400
Such larks!
265
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,940
David, can you come here a moment?
266
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:20,480
The thing is,
267
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:25,480
somebody's got to go and tell the
crowd about the change in line-up.
268
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:28,060
Obviously, I would love to do it,
269
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:32,920
but unfortunately, women's problems
of the most dramatic nature.
270
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:36,760
I can't walk,
never mind leave the house.
271
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:40,780
I wondered if you'd
do the honours instead. No.
272
00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:43,560
Fair enough. It was worth a try.
273
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,640
KNOCK AT DOOR
274
00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:52,200
Is Elton John here? Ask the vicar.
275
00:20:55,860 --> 00:21:00,340
When's he comin' out?
He came out years ago!
276
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:06,320
After all I've done for you!
I could've been a ballerina!
Hello! Vicar!
277
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,060
Yes?
278
00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:14,300
Sorry to interrupt.
Has Elton arrived? Elton?
279
00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:19,380
I heard he was opening the fair. I
thought I'd drop by and surprise him.
280
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:26,420
Thank you, mate. Kylie, I'll come
clean with you, you fabulous woman.
281
00:21:26,420 --> 00:21:30,460
There's been a hiccup
on the Elton front.
282
00:21:30,460 --> 00:21:35,020
Well, more like a huge big belch
with a bit of sick in it.
283
00:21:35,020 --> 00:21:37,800
Will you do me the teeniest favour?
284
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,740
What?
285
00:21:39,740 --> 00:21:43,720
May I say one thing
before I reply to that?
286
00:21:43,720 --> 00:21:49,780
If you do this, no matter
what you do on earth -
sex, drugs, ritual satanism -
287
00:21:49,780 --> 00:21:56,000
I can guarantee you
the best seat in heaven.
You and God, next to each other.
288
00:21:56,000 --> 00:22:00,460
Jesus - row C. Elvis - serving
the drinks. Gandhi - sod him!
289
00:22:01,940 --> 00:22:06,700
Well, my mother did always tell me,
"Never say no to a priest."
290
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:09,240
I love your mother.
291
00:22:11,420 --> 00:22:16,160
Ever thought of going into
the priesthood? Can't say I have.
292
00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:20,680
You'd be so good. Goddess
to priestess in one simple move.
293
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:23,260
Might have to change your wardrobe.
294
00:22:23,260 --> 00:22:27,540
Church of England can't cope
with hotpants. I've tried.
295
00:22:27,540 --> 00:22:34,000
Ladies and gentlemen,
there's a slight change to
the published schedule for today.
296
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,120
And Hitler was "slightly" nasty(!)
297
00:22:37,120 --> 00:22:41,120
Elton John CAN'T join us.
CROWD: Aw!
298
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,880
Life's a wonderful thing sometimes.
299
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:46,460
But we are delighted to welcome,
300
00:22:46,460 --> 00:22:51,120
in his stead, one of Oxfordshire's
most popular entertainers.
301
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,660
Yes, it's Reg Dwight!
302
00:22:53,660 --> 00:22:56,060
What a coup(!)
303
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:05,280
And just for you today,
we are so lucky -
304
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:09,780
lucky, lucky, lucky -
to have the genuinely perfect...
305
00:23:09,780 --> 00:23:15,040
No matter what the Bible says about
girls kissing girls, I'D snog her.
306
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:19,560
The one, the only...Kylie Minogue!
Yeah!
307
00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:23,520
CHEERING AND WHISTLING
308
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:27,560
I-I can't believe it!
I cannot believe it!
309
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:33,300
She's thinking of taking
holy orders next autumn
so enjoy her while you can.
310
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:41,580
Isn't it fabulous? Yes.
She was always one of my favourite
contemporary entertainers.
311
00:23:41,580 --> 00:23:44,020
Ladies and gentlemen,
312
00:23:44,020 --> 00:23:49,060
it gives me great pleasure
to declare the Dibley Fair open!
313
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:54,600
# I remember when rock was young
314
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,100
# Me and Suzy had so much fun
315
00:23:57,100 --> 00:24:01,280
# Holding hands and skimming stones
316
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,920
# Had an old, gold Chevvy
and a place of my own
317
00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,400
# But the biggest kick I ever got
318
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:10,460
# Was doin' a thing
called the Crocodile Rock
319
00:24:10,460 --> 00:24:12,980
# While the other kids
were rockin' round the clock
320
00:24:12,980 --> 00:24:17,420
# We were hoppin' and boppin'
to the Crocodile Rock! #
321
00:24:19,540 --> 00:24:24,560
And now, please, the award
for the most misshapen vegetable.
322
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,200
We have Owen Newitt's potato,
323
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,780
Jim Trott's parsnip,
324
00:24:29,780 --> 00:24:35,560
and Hugo Horton's carrot
in the shape of David Mellor.
325
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,940
And the winner is...Hugo Horton!
326
00:24:42,760 --> 00:24:47,280
Kiss him, OK? Don't ask questions,
just kiss him, please.
327
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,260
Congratulations!
328
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,880
CROWD: Wooh!
329
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:05,260
BAND PLAYS "Crocodile Rock"
# La...
330
00:25:05,260 --> 00:25:07,820
# La, la, la, la, la
331
00:25:07,820 --> 00:25:11,480
# La, la, la, la, la
332
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:15,120
# La, la, la, la, la
333
00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:19,280
# But the years went by
and rock just died
334
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:23,480
# Suzy went and left us
for some foreign guy
335
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:28,240
ELTON JOHN:
# Long nights cryin'
by the record machine... #
336
00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:35,660
Oh, that's lovely. You don't have
a lippy for a vicar with attitude?
337
00:25:36,700 --> 00:25:38,580
Mm-hmm.
338
00:25:38,580 --> 00:25:43,380
Oh, great. Now give me the dirt
on Prince. Oh, I can't.
339
00:25:43,380 --> 00:25:46,060
I said, give me the dirt on Prince.
340
00:25:47,100 --> 00:25:48,880
Well...
341
00:25:49,980 --> 00:25:52,820
# La, la, la, la, la, la
342
00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:58,780
# La, la, la, la, la
343
00:25:58,780 --> 00:26:01,760
# La, la, la, la, la! #
344
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:06,580
APPLAUSE
Thank you very much indeed.
345
00:26:06,580 --> 00:26:10,420
And the amount
we've raised today is...
346
00:26:10,420 --> 00:26:15,820
WITHOUT the bid for Mrs Cropley's
orange cake with branston pickle...
347
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:21,480
Three thousand, four hundred
and fifty-six pounds!
348
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:30,060
Well done, Dibley!
349
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:40,660
Did you see how she kissed Hugo?
No-no-no, that wasn't a kiss.
What was it, Jim?
350
00:26:40,660 --> 00:26:45,400
No-no-no-no, I'd call that a snog.
Come on!
351
00:26:45,400 --> 00:26:52,480
No, I think he's right. Might be
wedding bells before too long.
HUGO: Don't be silly.
352
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:59,660
She won't come back to the village.
Lightning doesn't strike twice.
No-no-no-no-no, it does.
353
00:26:59,660 --> 00:27:03,180
Does it?
My father was struck twice.
354
00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:08,140
How did he feel afterwards?
Heavy. We buried him next day.
355
00:27:10,260 --> 00:27:14,260
# Surely goodness
and me-e-ercy
356
00:27:14,260 --> 00:27:17,300
# Shall follow me
357
00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:21,100
# All the days of my life
358
00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:26,220
# And I will dwell
359
00:27:26,220 --> 00:27:30,640
# In the house of the Lord
for ever... #
360
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:36,060
Subtitles by Donna Jordan
BBC - 2002
361
00:27:36,060 --> 00:27:38,600
# For ever. #
362
00:27:40,820 --> 00:27:45,440
Three nuns get killed
in a car crash. Oh, dear.
363
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:52,560
And they go up to heaven. Course.
And Peter says, "You have to answer
a question before you get in." Oh.
364
00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:57,640
So he says to the first one, "What
was the name of the first woman?"
365
00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:01,680
She says, "Eve."
and he says, "You're in."
366
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:06,540
He says to the second one,
"Where did Eve live?" I know. Yeah.
367
00:28:06,540 --> 00:28:10,780
She says, "The Garden of Eden."
He says, "You're in."
368
00:28:10,780 --> 00:28:17,360
Phew! And he says to the Mother
Superior, "The question'll have to
be more tricky for you."
369
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:20,220
Fair enough, cos... Obviously.
370
00:28:20,220 --> 00:28:27,900
He says to her, "What did Eve say
when she first saw Adam?" Mother
Superior says, "That's a hard one."
371
00:28:27,900 --> 00:28:30,400
He says, "Yup, you're in."
372
00:28:33,300 --> 00:28:35,860
She hadn't answered the question.
373
00:28:35,860 --> 00:28:39,180
Eh? She hadn't answered it. What?
374
00:28:39,180 --> 00:28:43,100
She didn't know.
Doesn't work, does it?
375
00:28:43,100 --> 00:28:48,120
That end bit needs a jig. I'm gonna
send it back. Stupid, that one.
31075
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