Original subtitles

Marina, you gotta have somebody look at that. I'm fine, Brandy. The aspirins are

helping. Me? I was drafted in the last war.

They assigned me to the enemy.

Let's check it out.

Battalion 8 asked me to give these to you. What are they? The casualty

Never thought I'd wind up as a carrier pigeon.

Bad belly wound. I thought you stopped a mig with his stomach. You better send

it to plasma.

Okay, so... There?

Captain Pierce, over here.

Well, since when did they put a stewardess on this run?

She's with the USO. Medics thinks it's her appendix. Right down my alley. I

wrote the book on the appendix. I even wrote the appendix, but they took that

out. Oh, it's okay. I'm fine.

You showbiz folks. Always with the funny walks.

Direct me to the nearest threshold.

How long have you had these pains?

Oh, just for a few days.

Wasn't too bad at first, but now it hurts like heck.

You can say hell here. This is Korea. You can't say hell in hell. Where in

can you say it?

Now, before I take out your appendix, there's one question I always like to

Have you had your appendix out before?

Uh -uh.

Would there be that scar?

Are you kidding? You're talking to Al Capone's personal plastic surgeon.

I must say, Piers, I certainly do envy your surgical assignment. How I'd love

sink my scalpel once again into a simple appendix. It's such a...

useless yet highly lucrative little organ. Yeah, well, this useless little

should have been registered as a concealed weapon in a couple of hours

could have ruptured.

All right, let's snip that and then let's close.

I'm going to do a running subcuticular.

I promise you the scar wouldn't be too noticeable.

Professional reasons. She's with the U .S. Dow.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if they could do a show for us here?

Not a snowball's chance in the south of Hades.

U .S .O. considers us small potatoes.

We're the place they stopped to ask directions to the place they're going.

just as well we don't need mindless minstrels and baggy -pantsed

on Pearson Hunnicutt and now. Margaret, I need another hand with some retraction

here. Pam?

How's he doing?

Not too well.

He's going to be touch and go.

Miss Ryan, I believe you had a reservation for a single with a view of

singles. Hey, it's a gal.

I've seen her before. Forrest, she's a singer with USO. I caught her act at

Kimpo. Hey, miss, saw your show.

You're terrific.

Lee, this is no time to take a bow.

Frank, get us a screen over there, will you?

Hey, could she do a song for us later?

No, afraid not. She opened and closed in one night.

Just some light road work. You stay off the heavy bag.

I'll see you in the morning.

Can you stay for a while?

No, you better get some rest.

Besides, I have to get over to the mess tent. I'm working my way through busboy

school as a doctor.

to be a very sick young man. Yeah. It wouldn't hurt to get found, okay? You

to put in a little overtime, huh?

That must be

Marina's troupe. Hello.

Anybody home?

Unless I'm mistaken, that's Brandy Doyle, the stripper.

How would you know?

Well, I saw her picture in Life magazine.

Fully clothed.

Oh, it can't be her. The USO wouldn't send a burlesque queen to Korea.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, hello, Father.

Hiya, honey. Hi. I'm Brandy Doyle.

How nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Sarah Miller. Hello.

And I'm Ellie Carlyle. We were told that Marina Ryan is here. She sure is, and

she's doing real fine. Oh, glad to hear it. Say, nice place you got here.

But once a week, you gotta get someone into dust.

You can do it, Rev.

You're a man of the cloth.

You're very...

This is our emcee, Fast Freddy Nichols.

Say, as long as you're here, maybe you could do a show for our wounded.

Oh, as spokesman for the group, we'd love to, but our schedule is very tight.

fact, we're all drunk.

Now, where's Marina? Oh, this way. Come on, I'll take you. Come along. Father,

may I have a word with you in private?

Of course, of course.

This way.

Hey!

Hiya, guys. Yup, you are not dreaming. It is me.

in the flesh, so to speak.

Who is that?

Great to be here in Korea, the country with a soul.

How are you feeling?

Oh, much better. I had to have an appendectomy. Oh, I had trouble with my

appendix once, but I couldn't afford the operation, so I had the doctor touch up

the x -ray. Hey, these cookies are dirty. Listen to this.

Confucius say man who chase woman in dark often end up with... I got one

traveling...

And, Fran, speak up so we can hear you.

No way.

What's all the laughing?

Oh, Doc, these are my USO friends, Eleanor and Brandy. This is the

who saved my life.

Oh, I just cut along the dotted line.

Fast Freddy, meet Captain Pierce. Captain Pierce? Hawkeye.

Suit yourself, Doc.

Oh,

I don't believe we've met.

Uh, Major Charles Winchester. Hiya. Well, Winchester, huh? You must be the

gun around here.

I rarely get to meet a man of your caliber.

Marina?

Sarah!

Hi.

I want you to meet Dr. Pierce. This is Sarah Miller.

Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you. Thanks for taking such good care of

Well, I'll tell you how you can pay me back.

We can turn Postop into a barn so you can turn it into a theater and put on a

show for us.

Hey, you can stay with us for the night and leave in the morning. No, they

can't. Why? We've got to be on the road to the 121st evac hospital.

Well, it's not that far, and the roads are good. They haven't gotten around to

potholing them yet.

I'm sorry. We just have time to grab a bite and move on. I'll have the mess

prepare some food for you. Thanks. Just make sure it's not chicken.

You know how the last base killed their chickens?

They fed them the French toast.

Hey, these guys know comedy.

Freddy, they love you. Why don't we stay and do the show?

Oh, I don't know. Oh, come on.

You want to talk about army food? Those chickens were classified 4F.

Foul, foul, foul.

We'll do a show.

Don't tell me you think that guy is funny.

He's the worst comedian I've ever heard in my life.

Then why are you laughing?

I don't know.

I'll do Maria's number again. I assume she won't be up to it.

You'll be lucky if she's up to applauding.

Oh, don't worry. The show will be great. I'll have those guys in stitches.

Hi, darling. Hi, Charlie.

I'll have those wounded G .I .s in stitches.

Somebody ought to stitch up that mouth. It's an open wound.

It's a tragic story. As a kid, he was beaten with a horse belt.

How do you know?

Very interesting.

Tell me, do you also play a musical instrument?

Well, I see brass is certainly your specialty.

I was raised in Boston, you know, just a stone's throw from Symphony Hall.

Ah, that's very interesting.

How many times did they hit you?

That's quite a retort from our Lady of Spain.

I don't believe it.

Hey, what do two drunks do when they meet?

They shake!

It's Freddy Nichols, the funniest man ever to set foot on his ankles.

He also does cerebral humor.

No, but cerebral humor, he walks on his head.

I'm Corporal Max Klinger. You won't believe this, but once I drove six hours

catch your act... And your nose made it in five.

Nose made it in five. Is the man a genius? He finds one insignificant

trait and instantly turns it into comedy.

Yes, ma 'am, I'm prouder than a peacock to have a star of your magnitude right

here in our midst.

Well, aren't you the little charmer?

When is the time you beguiled this wide -eyed young doughboy back in KC in the

old gaiety theater?

You caught my act. Heck, one time I caught your garter.

To this day, every time I watch a Steve -42 revving up, I think about how you

used to spin those tassels. Well, there's more than one way to use a

Colonel. Oh,

call me Sherm. I figure I've known you about as well as a fella can without

being introduced.

Well, it's a real pleasure to have my reputation precede me for a change.

Nowadays, these kid soldiers hardly know who I am.

Being famous isn't nearly as much fun when nobody knows it.

Hello, sugar!

I have to make up for the shock.

Did you find out anything?

Sarah, I've checked our files quite thoroughly, and there just doesn't seem

be any record of your late brother being treated here.

You sure?

I'll look at it.

Thanks very much, Father. Well, I'm sorry.

If there's anything more I can do, please let me know.

I will.

Thank you.

Wonderful news, everybody.

We've cleared out of space and posed up so you can set up your show.

Terrific. You got a bunkhouse for these gypsies? We've prepared the VIP tent.

Sarah and Eleanor, we've put your things in there. Well, that takes care of the

young 'uns.

Now, Brandy, why don't you and Margaret buddy up?

Oh.

Yes, that would be nice. And as for Mr. Nichols here, it seems only fitting that

we put him in with one of his biggest fans.

Winchester, fix up the cot in the swamp.

The swamp? That's okie -fokie with me.

That does it. I'm sleeping at Mom's tonight.

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Goodbye, Mr.

Chips. Goodbye.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I planned to have you laying in the aisles, but I see someone beat me to it.

I'd like to thank Colonel Potter for this wonderful reception.

Even though we didn't get Harry.

Colonel Potter is really, really a great guy. A military genius. First thing he

said to me was, gotta get those krauts.

It's a little noise in here. Do you think we should move Nowicki?

Nah, leave him alone. Might do him some good.

So I bid him. On the other hand...

Enough of my bits.

Here's someone who you could really sink your teeth into. A hell of a girl, Miss

Brandy Doyle.

Cuddle, cuddle up a little closer.

Love, love be mine.

Head to toe.

Love, love. It hurts when I do this.

It hurts when I do this. What'd you say?

Shh, I'm cursing.

It hurts when I do this.

It hurts when I do this.

Cling.

head to toe thee.

Love, love, love be mine.

And now, here is something for all you music buffs.

And I ought to know, because many a times I've worked to music in the bus.

Miss Ellie Carlyle and her squeezable Steinway.

Really swell guy with a head to match.

Thank you very much.

I'll always be grateful to you for saving my life. Oh, it's nothing.

The only tricky part was remembering if the appendix was on the right or the

left. Oh, oh, please, it hurts when I laugh.

Oh, then take two fast Freddy jokes and you'll feel better in no time.

Here we are in the doctor place.

A horse pistol.

Best I need my nurse.

Nurse? There's the nurse.

Is there something I can do for you, doctor?

Oh, yeah.

I'll talk about that later in your pop dance.

Bring me the talcum powder. Where's the talcum powder? Yes, doctor. Walk this

way. If I could walk that way, I would need a talcum powder.

But I need a patient. Where's the patient? Oh, sir.

Oh, here you are. You look like a heel.

Dr. Kinderspiel, we'll see you now.

When I do this, then don't do that.

The wrong line.

Oh, that lovely jacket you're wearing. Somewhere the horse is freezing.

I can't find the line. What do I do? Get out.

But... Get out!

There is only one cure for such an illness. A young lady will come out and

us all back to good health.

Give her a big hand, Miss Sarah Miller.

Thank you.

I'd like to sing you a song that's very special to me. My brother taught it to

me. It's called Sweet Molly Malone.

In Dublin's fair city where the girls are...

Why don't you join in with me?

My

usual

singing partner is not able to be on stage with me tonight, but she is,

in the audience. And maybe we could all persuade her to join me.

something honey i get the feeling i make you kind of nervous no no well you and

i are not all that different i mean i'm just like any other woman no you're not

we all take our pants off one leg at a time you

know i'd give anything to have a gorgeous head of hair like yours

I was just thinking the same thing about your lovely head of hair. How do you

manage to keep it so beautiful?

Oh, simple.

I give it the night off.

I never would have guessed.

My ex -husband gave me that for our third anniversary.

Right after that, we split up.

Oh, but those were three beautiful months.

I learned to get the anniversaries in as fast as I could.

That's just about as long as I was married.

I see I'm not the only one in this tent who knows what it's like to be lonely.

You?

Lonely? A big star like you?

Don't believe the fan magazines.

I wish I had one -tenth the fun that they say I do.

You know, when you spend all your time on the road, the only men in your life

are bellhops and cab drivers.

The nights can get sort of empty when all you've got to curl up with is a

pillow.

Oh, come on, honey, it's not as bad as that.

At least with the people here, they're like your family.

But they're mostly just kids.

Oh, not that Colonel Potter.

Oh,

he's a real doll.

I got a good mind to snatch A right over to his tent and make his experience at

the Gaiety Theater seem like a church social.

Colonel Potter is a very happily married man.

So were my five husbands, till they met me.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm leaving first thing in the morning. So tonight, it's just you and me, kid.

And the old pillow.

So he said to the psychiatrist, Doc, nobody ever seems to pay any attention

me. So the doctor said, Next.

I can listen to these all night. In an hour and 40 minutes, you will have it. I

don't know what it is, but your particular brand of whimsicality appeals

certain predilection of mine.

Gee, I thought you liked me.

Freddy, tell the one about that. Good night, Clinger. We have patients to see

the morning.

All right, I'm going.

Just one more joke. No, will you get out of here?

How'd you sleep?

Wonderfully. I envy you.

Didn't you sleep well? A cup of coffee would have gotten a better night's

That's one of Freddy's jokes.

I knew I heard that somewhere.

Must have been around 4 .30 this morning.

How are you feeling?

Great.

Thanks to a certain wonderful doctor I know.

Oh, I'll bet you say that to all the wonderful doctors you know.

Oh, no.

I mean it.

You're special.

Um... Regulations. These hands are on duty.

He's finally started to show some improvement.

Vital signs are stable.

Temperature's down.

He seems to be much better. He's awake now.

How you doing, Newicky?

How you feeling?

It's hard to talk.

You're coming along just fine.

Watch out for Nurse Kelly, though. She likes the weak, silent type.

Keep on the D5 and half saline solution at 125 cc's per hour.

Right.

So long, fellas.

So long.

Don't wave your arms over.

Oh, honey, we just came by to say goodbye.

You know, we're really going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too.

See you back in the States, kid.

Everybody's invited to Brandy's house after the war.

Well, you guys can't leave without me.

Well, at least I'll have Hawkeye to keep me company.

Hey, you were just supposed to take out her appendix, not steal her heart.

Nunzio's Shapery, Hoboken, New Jersey. You guys gonna come? Sure, it's the

we can do for the man who put plastic doggy doo in our bunk.

Blinger, you better get that. Okay, but first a quick goodbye. Freddy, I just

want to say what an indescribable thrill it's been for me to have the

pleasure... Blinger!

Yeah, so long, everybody.

Hoboken, New Jersey. Say, is that anywhere near Princeton? So long.

Bye. Come on. And one, two, three.

Oh, terrific.

Oh, that goes double for me.

Miss Doyle, it's been a real hoot and a holler. Anybody who can bring a little

sunshine to this gloomy place gets an eternal gracias from me. Oh, thank you.

You know, Sherm, we'll probably never see one another again. And I'd hate

if I didn't do this.

Come on, folks. It's just a handshake with lips.

Goodbye, Father.

Thanks again for your help. Goodbye, Sarah.

I wish you good luck in your search.

So do I. All right. Everybody on the truck. Come on out.

Wait, wait. Don't anybody move.

Clinger, one goodbye to a customer. No, no, no, no, no. That was G2 on the

phone. There's an all -out offensive. All roads are restricted to troop

only. Nobody can leave. You've been held over.

So the guy with the shovel walks up to the streetcar conductor and says, Mother

-in -law, I thought that was your cat.

Penicillin bandages. Order everything times three. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes,

Colonel, there's got to be some way to get out of here. Mr. Nichols, let me put

this in show folks' lingo. There's people out there knocking them dead.

Unless you want your next review to be in the obituaries, you'll just have to

set here a spell.

Well, we've got to wind up this tour on schedule.

Or in army folks' lingo, my club date in Hoboken is going to be right down the

latrine. I've been to Hoboken. You're better off here.

You don't understand.

This could cost me the chance of a lifetime.

My agent says it's the perfect showcase for toast of the town.

What's that?

What's that?

Ed Sullivan.

The really big shoe.

You all right, son?

Look, unless this toaster the town feller's got scrambled eggs on his cap,

you're plum out of luck. I'm sorry.

Oh, sure. Now I'm stuck with toast, scrambled eggs, and plum.

No, but seriously, Colonel.

No, no, seriously.

Colonel. Mr. Nichols, you've put in your two cents worth. Now the bank is

closed. Clinger, get to work.

I'll see your three depressors.

And... I will raise you five.

You're bluffing.

Well, if you want to find out, just give me a call.

Okay.

I'll call you.

What do you got?

Beer. I knew it. Three of a kind?

Full house.

You're killing me.

Hey, Jillian.

In this game, you can put your money where your mouth is. Oh, there is a

with this trope.

How's he doing?

Vital signs are stable.

How you feeling, Newicky?

Has he spoken at all?

No, not a word.

Okay, pal.

You don't feel like talking, I understand.

But, uh, if you change your mind, my number is Hey Doc.

I will open with five.

Hey, take it easy. That stuff doesn't grow on trees, you know.

Hey, B .J., what's the matter with him?

War's got his tongue.

Hi, sir.

Howdy, ma 'am. Sorry about the extended engagement. I know this ain't exactly

the Great White Wave.

Oh, it's not the place, it's the people.

I thought maybe you and I could get together and have a drink.

I gotta warn you, if you want to keep your insides looking as good as your

outsides, you better stay away from the rot gut they serve around here. Oh,

don't worry about me. I've had whiskey that'll put air in your glass.

Say, come to think of it, I've got a bottle of 12 -year -old scotch I've been

saving for a dry day.

Oh, Sherm, your best scotch. You ought to save that for a special occasion.

I don't want to be... Well, this is special. It isn't every day I get to rub

elbows, let alone bend them with a celebrity.

How about the officer's club?

Twelve -year -old scotch in the officer's club.

You'd be amazed at how many friends and how little booze you'll have.

I guess you're right.

Maybe we better sip the fire water in my wigwam. Why, Sherm and Potter... Oh,

well, no, I... I'll be there at eight. I... I... I... Hey,

Sarah.

I'm emceeing in a red -hot bingo game in the officer's club later. Care to join

us? No, thanks, Father.

Not much fun being stuck in the middle of nowhere, is it?

Oh, it's not that.

Now, it looks like I may never get to the 121st Evac Hospital.

Why is that so important?

Her brother was killed in combat near here.

He died at the 121st.

I'm sorry.

I think I've come all this way to go home empty -handed.

What do you mean?

I don't understand.

What are you looking for?

Maybe we can help.

Well, most importantly, a pair of ballet shoes.

My brother was in love with a ballerina, and they'd planned to get married.

And the night before he shipped out, she gave him a pair of her toe shoes.

and he treasured them as his only link to her.

When his effects were returned, the shoes weren't among them.

I thought if I could find them, his fiancé and I would have a memory of him

could share.

You know, Sarah, if you never received the shoes, chances are they were either

lost or stolen before they ever reached the 121st.

Why would anyone want to steal a pair of ballet shoes?

Well, they wouldn't have been after the shoes.

They would have been looking for money.

The local people are very poor.

Sometimes they steal a soldier's ditty bag, take the cash, and discard the

If the army does have those balacers, of course, they wouldn't know whom they

belong to.

They'd probably be in a lost and found somewhere.

What kind of an injury did your brother have, Sarah?

A head wound.

They usually send the neurosurgical cases to the 8063rd.

I know the chaplain there.

I could call him and ask him about the shoes.

Where's Marina?

Oh, she wanted a visit, so I flagged down the first wheelchair that came by.

I bet there are a lot of things you're looking forward to when you get home,

huh, Michael?

Well, what I'm looking forward to most is a big bite of a golden, delicious

apple.

Not an ordinary apple I could get in the market. I'm from Washington State,

where we pluck them right off the tree.

Crackle when you sink your teeth into him and inside it's no white

Thought it couldn't hurt to try If I

was an apple, I'd want you to deliver my eulogy.

Listen to her now wiki. She'll keep the doctor away Thanks for trying marina. He

didn't say anything, but I think maybe he heard me Now that you're on the case,

maybe he'll start showing signs of showing signs You were terrific.

Thanks

What's the matter?

I think you may be pushing your recovery a little bit.

Oh, Hawkeye, I feel fine. Yeah, well, your lips may have a relapse. They're

even on solid food yet.

Better get some sleep.

Hey, Doc.

Will you tell her that I like apples, too?

Yes.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I didn't have a thing to wear.

Wow.

I'll show you in just as soon as I can let go of the door.

Oh, I think I can find my way.

Didn't realize you were going to wear your class A's.

Well, it was a choice of this and my working clothes, and I figured it was a

little bit chilly for them.

That's funny. I was just beginning to notice how warm it is.

Well, enough about the weather.

How would you like to offer a lady a belt? Oh, coming right up.

Now watch this stuff. It's got more kick than the Rockettes.

How about a toast?

To two old war horses.

May your tassels soon twirl in peacetime.

Amen.

Oh, sure. This is good.

Not enough old and smooth to describe this.

He's right here. Hold on, Chaplain.

Charlie, there's a young woman here with a USO troop who's trying to locate her

brother's personal effects.

He was a KIA.

Well, primarily a pair of ballet shoes.

No, no, they were kind of a keepsake.

I'd appreciate it if you could check your lost and found.

Well, if you find them, please call me here.

Thanks, Charlie. Bye -bye.

Well... He'll do what he can.

Thanks.

Marvelous. If only she had a pair of symbols between her knees, she would be

veritable one -woman band.

What's the matter, Major?

Didn't I soothe your savage breast?

No offense, Miss Carlisle, but I've always been of the opinion that

a technique best suited to making orange juice, not music.

Oh, my, you do have a way with arrogance.

I've just never been a devotee of musical instruments that one has to

Oh, this old thing.

Here, hold my wrap. I don't want it.

Maybe I should try a little of this.

Uh -huh. Going to favor us with the selection of boogie -woogie?

Any other requests from the boogeyman?

Had no idea you were so versatile. Why are you wasting your time with that

overgrown concertina?

With such mastery of the keyboard, it seems a pity to cut it in half and play

sideways. I like to eat.

At Juilliard, they taught us everything about the piano except how to make a

living at it.

It's easier to make ends meet with the accordion.

Well,

you certainly squeezed the air out of me.

Major, perhaps you should open your mind and let a little fresh air in. Play

something we can dance to.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't listen to those boors.

Oh, come on, Major.

Doesn't it get lonely up there in your ivory tower?

Even Vorzhak and Brahms wrote folk dances, you know.

Come on, Major. Do you want to dance?

I thought you'd never ask.

It's a good thing that stuff is almost gone anymore and we don't get swizzled.

A toast.

To twirling tassels.

Oh, you know, Sherm, it's a shame we didn't meet back in those days of KC.

We could have had one whiz bang of a blowout.

Oh, when I first caught a glimpse of you and your...

No -nonsense ways.

That sparkle in your eye.

Oh, I like a man who's been pushed around a little by life and who just

right back.

Oh, Sherm, you got spunk.

But seriously, folks, how about those kids today? They think money grows on

trees, but they don't want to plant them. They just want to pick them.

They don't want to plant them. They just want to pick them.

It sounds like it should be funny. Maybe it's just me.

That's okay, Freddy. You say it's no good, it's out of the act. Talk about

bad drivers.

My wife drives in three gears, crunch, first, and second.

Try first, second, and crunch.

My wife drives in three gears, first, second, and crunch. I was wrong.

What put these politicians in Washington? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Shuffle off, Buffalo.

I'm warning you, Klinger. Don't throw that punchline. I say, you guys look

tired. Tired, tired.

Last night I was so tired I counted sheep and they were yawning. Out!

The show is over.

Save the bombs for the enemy. But Freddy and I are coming up with some big

yachts here. Tell them, Freddy.

First rule of comedy, Max. Always leave them wanting more. Love you, babe.

See you tomorrow.

Out, Klinger. All right, all right. I'll go to my room. Speaking of my room, my

room is so small. Thank you.

My room is so small, I have to step outside to change my mind.

Boy, I thought he'd never leave. He was driving me batty. Joke, joke, joke. One

right after another.

I can't stand people who don't know when to stop.

We did have one good one, though, about this priest in Dublin. A parishioner,

Mr. O'Malley, comes up to him and he says, Father Casey, you've got to help

out. So, Father Casey says to O'Malley, You'll have plenty to feed your ten

children if you plant potatoes in the spring, corn in the summer, cabbage in

fall, and let your wife decide what to do in the cold winter months.

Then O'Malley says, Father, you don't understand.

That's how I got the ten kids in the first place.

How did you know that? I just wrote it. By chance, Groucho. That's a seminary

standard. The first commandment of comedy is, thou shalt not steal.

No, would you try to get the 8063rd again? Sure, Father. Boy, everybody's a

comedian.

Hello, Sparky?

Is this a bad connection? Are you eating breakfast cereal?

Breakfast cereal?

Never mind.

I want to get through to the 8063rd.

Oh, hold on.

Communication's blackout. I'll bet you there's a red Chinese with a copy of

Berlitz eavesdropping on every phone. A regular Communist Party line.

You have to find out if there's any word on the ballet shoes.

Sorry, Father.

Father.

Just wanted to make sure you were decent.

I've got a surprise for you.

Hi.

He insisted on returning your visit.

Hi, Michael.

I'd like my friends to call me Mike.

Okay.

Mike. Are they treating you okay?

Nothing to worry about, Mike.

I got the greatest doctor in the world.

That's good.

And if they start giving you a hard time, just tell them they'll have to

to no wiki.

How about that?

Words are coming out, his lips are moving, and nobody has a hand in his

Nice, huh? From no talk to sweet talk.

She's just amazing.

I'd like to prescribe a few minutes with her to every kid who comes through

here.

I don't have a lot of prescriptions for you to fill.

You're going to be okay, Private. Nothing broken, leaking, or AWOL.

Oh, here.

What's this?

Don't tell me you were wounded at the Battle of Swan Lake.

Battalion A gave them to me. Said I was supposed to deliver them here.

Said they were from the 80 -63rd. They failed them!

She's always nervous on opening night. Father!

Wonderful! Wonderful!

since dawn's early light.

This is a very particular crowd. They want all their insides put back inside.

I just wanted to come by and see how you were feeling before I went to sleep.

Did I make it?

It's sweet to take such good care of me, Hawkeye.

That's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about.

Travel restrictions have been lifted. Your friends are going to the 121st EVAC

tomorrow morning.

You'll be able to join them.

But I'm not well enough yet.

Yeah, you are.

I wouldn't send you if you weren't ready to go.

But it will make you feel any better. You can take the rest of your medicine

a doggy bag.

Do I really have to go?

Well, we have this whole new batch of wounded. They're taking numbers for

Well, I could stay in the VIP tent.

I'd be out of everybody's way there and still near you.

Near me, huh?

Well, you are my doctor.

I'd love to get to know you when I'm healthy.

Yeah, that's another reason why I think it'd be a good idea if you went.

But why?

I thought you cared for me. I do. Of course I care. So does everybody here. I

mean, you've worked miracles here that we get a standing ovation at Lourdes.

Great deal to me.

You don't even know me.

I know enough.

Marina, when you came here, you were sick. I literally swept you off your

All you see is a miracle man in a white suit.

Oh, come on, Hawkeye. I'm not a kid.

I see who you really are.

All you've seen is the bad side of my manner. You haven't seen the bad side.

The real Hawkeye Pierce is an egotistical, irresponsible martini

Now who's the song and dance fan? Look, I can show you a room full of women as

lack of character witnesses.

I can't... I can't take advantage of your feelings for me.

And believe me, the thought has crossed my mind.

I'm sorry, I'm not convinced.

You ought to be back home auditioning for musicals and dating starving young

actors.

Eating those delicious apples.

I've seen too much ever to be wide -eyed again.

We're the wrong blood type. We don't match.

Innocence positive and lechery negative.

Let me stay.

I'll prove you're wrong. No, no, it's not worth the risk.

Remember, you did ask me not to leave a scar.

Well, Sherm, I guess this is the big goodbye.

Sayonara, Brandy. Sure glad I had a chance to find out your beauty is more

skin deep.

Too bad we haven't got any more of that high -class hooch of yours.

Well, at least it gave its life for a good hangover.

Goodbye, Sheriff.

Goodbye, Miss Brandy.

If you ever find yourself ambling through Missouri, be sure to look me up.

Oh, you bet I will.

Mildred will cook us something special.

Oh.

Well, in case I don't, goodbye, Sheriff.

Well, it's almost time to say goodbye, sir.

I guess so, Father.

Thank you both.

You've given me some wonderful memories.

It'll be a while before we forget you, too.

Well, Ellie, I guess the time has come to play out the coda to this little

etude. And I suppose we could say goodbye.

I do look forward to one day seeing you in Boston as guest soloist at Symphony

Hall.

Then I look forward to seeing you at your local beer parlor on oom -pah -pah

night. Perhaps there's a roll or two left in my barrel.

Be careful, kids.

Hey, Freddy, you wouldn't leave without saying goodbye, would you? Of course

not. I've been looking forward to this moment all day.

What a kidder. See you again, Freddy. Thanks for the warning. Hey, wait a

minute. I wrote a fantastic joke this morning. Oh, I'd love to hear it, Max,

I'll miss my ambulance.

And the only way to get another one is to shoot myself.

So I'll see you, huh?

Shake.

For real, Max.

For real.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Bye, Mike.

You take good care of yourself, okay?

That goes double for you.

I'll look for you on the hit parade.

Bye,

Doctor. Bye -bye, Marina. Thanks for the help. You were wonderful.

All aboard, Marina.

Hey, send your postcard from Times Square.

At night with all lights.

I'd send you one from the Korean theater, but it's always the same old

If I do, can you recommend a good doctor?

It seemed quiet around here.

It's the same kind of feeling I used to get when the circus left town.

We certainly did have our three rings full.

All they left us was the tents.

Listen, be grateful. At least they took Freddy and his stupid jokes.

Hey, what's with the lock? I can't get in. We barred the door, Katie.

Take your act on the road.

But seriously, I've given up comedy. I realize now my jokes are no laughing

matter. No more jokes?

No. You swear?