Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Let go!

- Oh, my... - God! No!

- Now, get up! - No!

No.

Please! No, please! No, no!

- You're not finished. - No. No, please.

There are no pleases here. We had a deal. Remember?

I dictated the terms, you named your price,

and then you willingly committed murder.

While this has provided me a brief reprieve

on an otherwise banal Tuesday,

you still have one final obligation.

Also, something tells me those crocodile tears

are going to dry right up the second

you walk out of here and start spending.

I mean, for people like you, that's a given.

Now, come on, you can do it.

Put it where it belongs.

On the ground.

Now, see, that was not so hard, was it?

Clean her up, give her the money,

and get her the fuck outta here. Jesus.

Kasper Nordin.

Welcome to Furcas's House of Fun.

Please get dressed and make your way

to the common room for some food and refreshments.

Hope you have fun!

Big news, Kaz.

I got something very interesting in the pipe for you.

It's a new reality series

- called... - You gotta be kidding me!

And hang on. You win, you get five million.

I just wanna move on, okay?

Mainstream. No more of this reality shit.

Look, Kaz, it's not like producers

are kicking down my door for you.

These guys asked for you by name.

- Why? Because of Darla? - Who cares?

You and Darla did a show together. People know your face.

People hate my face.

That show was the stupidest thing I ever did.

That's 'cause it was about her.

This time it's about you. It's redemption time.

I think it sounds pretty sketchy to me.

Hello, mate. What's the craic with you?

Hey. What happened?

How come everyone says that when they come out here?

What kind of show is this? They drugged us.

Woke up me fucking skivvies, some voice on high saying,

"Get changed and proceed to the common room."

These people are getting so sued believe you me.

You've never been drugged before?

Yeah, but of my own volition, and at my own discretion,

and not in this outfit.

What have they done with me clothes?

They choose our clothes, that was in the contract.

Well, at least give me some variety.

Spice of fucking life.

Not the same ten quim-pink shirts every day.

- Slainte! - Wh... where are we?

Welcome to Furcas's House of Fun.

Hello? Anyone in charge?

I'm pretty sure kidnapping is illegal, yeah?

He's tried this three times already.

- Yo, mate, nobody's coming. - Get fucked.

What the fuck did you just say to me?

I didn't know.

I said, "What the fuck did you just say to me?"

Sorry, mate, I am, uh, clinically claustrophobic.

Might even suffer from a smidgen of the ole Tourette's, yeah?

I'm just fucking with you.

I'm just fucking with you.

Irish sense of humor. Fucking legendary.

- Is there a phone? - No phones.

Took our mobiles as well. So, you can kiss

that social media hot streak goodbye.

It's all in the contract.

What's the last thing you remember?

Getting in the limo after the airport

and then... ...lights out.

- Woke up here. - Yeah. Ditto.

And you lot are all right with all this?

Wow, you've never been knocked out before?

- You'll be fine, man. - Fucking mental.

For five million quid, I'm all right with it, mate.

- Do you want a drink? - Uh, yeah.

I know you. Yeah, you're that guy.

- Kasper, Kasper, Kasper, uh... - Nordin.

Kasper Nordin. You were married to that girl, um...

- Darla Drake. - Darla fucking Drake.

You guys had that show.

Back up Love.

Back up fucking Love!

Oh, you lucky son of a bitch, yeah. Beautiful girl,

great voice, nice set of...

Fucking... Look, I'm real sorry, man,

but that song, "Put Your Heart on the Line,"

oh, that was a solid

fucking tune, man!

Solid fucking tune!

Yeah.

This place ain't bad.

But it's weird.

A hot tub filled with milk.

Amigos, good news. We found a hot tub.

Yeah. And it's filled with milk. It's fucking weird.

It's not milk, stupid.

I told you nyuuyoku-zai. It's Japanese.

Okay, okay, relax, sister. Breathe.

It's called yukobukake shit. Who cares?

Who's the big bird?

Oh, shit, it's Kasper Nordin.

It's Kasper Nordin, man.

- No way? Never heard of him. - I'll give you a hint.

♪ Don't waste my time Or you'll never be mine ♪

♪ Put your heart on the line ♪

♪ Put your heart on the line ♪

- Nah. - He's fucking

- Darla Drake's ex-husband, man! - Oh, yeah! Good for you.

Yeah. Can we move on?

Can I get my drink, please? Scotch.

Hi, everyone.

Ula La More.

- Ximena. - Ula.

- Hi, I'm Ula. - What's up?

- Hi. Ula. - Ooh-la-la, yes, you are.

- I'm Dex. - Hi, Dex.

Hi. I'm Ula.

I know. I, uh, follow you on the Insta.

Cool.

Can someone tell me where the producers are, please?

I take it you don't like being drugged either?

I scoured the entire flat. Couldn't find a camera,

a director, not even a bloody PA.

- Can't get outside neither. - This is not good.

Hi, I'm Nevin. I'm claustrophobic, clinically.

- No shit? - "El Shocker"?

Yeah. This guy knows what's up.

Put her there, Daddy!

I thought you was dead.

Yeah.

Welcome to Furcas's House of Fun.

Now, broadcasting live to the entire world.

Streaming 24/7, seven days a week,

with no commercial interruptions.

High stakes, high drama...

...anything goes.

It's the ultimate in online-reality-fun,

where you, the global audience

must decide who is sent packing,

and who takes home the five million-dollar

grand prize.

So, without further ado, let's meet our contestants.

Ula La More!

Yeah, boy!

Dropped from heaven

straight to Warsaw, Poland...

...Miss La More now resides in the City of Angels

- where she boasts more than... - Woo-hoo!

...eight million Instagram followers

and spends her days working out,

hanging out, and going out.

- Yo, is that... - Ula La More.

What is this?

It's that, um, Funhouse thing. It's a show.

...And yolo-ing the hell

out of the Funhouse for all to see!

- James Headstone Malone. - Oh, motherfucker...

He's a mixed martial artist,

hailing out of Dundalk, Ireland.

After crushing skulls

on the hit reality series, The Warriors Way,

the Irish prince of pain took a run at MMA gold...

I'm the fucking future!

...but unfortunately, fell short.

Retired since 2016, Headstone still enjoys

hitting the gym, hitting the bar,

and hitting other people.

Hey, man...

Cat Zim. The Filipino killer from Manila

was a star on the short-lived series,

The Real Wiccans of Westchester,

but now, only dabbles in the dark arts

as a solo performance artist.

This quiet queen of cute

also holds the honor...

...of being the youngest female chess grand master in history.

The man simply known as Dex. After making a splash

on the hit reality show spin-off,

Santiago Shore,

this Chilean troubadour joined the rap game

where he dropped the hit

of the one-wonder variety, "El Shocker."

♪ This ends right here And it's called El Shocker ♪

- ♪ El Shocker, El Shocker... ♪ - That never gets old.

Lonni Byrne. The lonely lass of Boston, Mass.

I'm the bride-to-be.

The season 18 bride-to-be

is notorious for dumping 27 men,

only to be left at the altar twice during the final rose,

a Bride to Be first.

I think you're incredible, but... I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

This titillating temptress

is known not only for her rare beauty, but also

her extracurricular antics, which have landed her

in the hot seat

on more than one occasion.

- Hey... - This one

can definitely hold her own with the boys, and then some.

Nevin Eversmith.

What's up, YouTube? It's your boy,

Nevin Eversmith coming at you again.

This British baculum of bombast

is a YouTube sensation

whose ironic claim to fame is talking

about and rating viral videos,

chalking up more than ten million subscribers

in the process.

Not to mention, making a few viral videos of his own.

Fucking hell...

- Ximena Torres. - What's up, guys?

Just over the border in Tijuana

is where this lethal Latina resides.

She's Mexico's number one blogger

on all things pop culture,

and has proven time and again

that social media hazing truly is mightier than the sword.

Watch your back, amigos, 'cause I'm always watching.

- What are you watching? - I'm watching a program.

- Funhouse. - Funhouse?

Celebutants, take heed

and keep your nose clean,

otherwise, she's got you in her sights.

Careers have been made and destroyed

by the stroke of her key.

Hi, Kasper. Poor thing.

Just ask our last contestant.

Last and possibly least, just kidding,

is Stockholm, Sweden's favorite orphan,

Kasper Nordin.

This crooning Casanova struck pay dirt

when he landed a job singing backup

for pop's hottest princess, Darla Drake.

- ♪ Put your heart on the line ♪ - ♪ Put your heart on the line ♪

Darla fell hard for the Swedish chansonnier

and as fast as you could say, "Put your heart on the line,"

the two lovebirds were married and had their own reality show,

Darla and Kasper, Back up Love. After the inevitable split,

Kasper had a very brief solo career

and is now trying his hand at acting.

Freeze, buster!

It's not worth it.

It so is!

City life.

We can't wait to see

what he has in store for us next. Hope you have fun.

- Whoo! - That's fucking deadly, man.

Um, okay,

um... I'm sorry. It's kind of my job.

- This is a nightmare. - Savage.

Hello, everyone. I'm Furcas, and I'll be your guide

during your stay at my House of Fun.

Unfortunately, when this is over,

only one of you will be with us to collect

the five million-dollar prize.

So, do your best to make sure that person is you.

Every three days, your loyal viewing audience

will vote to see who stays and who goes.

The housemate who receives the least votes

must face a skill testing challenge.

- But if the vote count... - Yeah. Whoo!

...is within one percentage point,

the lowest two will compete to see who survives.

Any questions?

- Ximena, you look puzzled. - Yeah. You're not a recording?

No, I'm Furcas, your guide through the Funhouse.

Any other questions?

- Yes, Nevin? - Uh, oh, yeah, Furcas, is it?

Yeah, you gave us a Cosby Cocktail.

- What's that all about? - That was agreed upon

in your contract. Section 32 C.

I fucking told you.

Yeah. We're not allowed outside.

I'm claustrophobic, you know, clinically.

So I've heard.

The contract clearly dictated the terms.

You're confined to the interior of the house.

If you leave at any time, you'll be disqualified

and your one 100,000-dollar entry gift will be revoked.

You'll be monitored in every room

of the house at all times.

Okay. What about the cameras? Are they in the bathroom?

The cameras are hidden throughout the house.

And while using the bathroom or shower,

your image will be blurred to the viewing public.

However, if you so choose, this blurring feature

can be removed by you at any time.

Once a day, for at least five minutes,

you must enter the confession booth

and speak to our viewers about anything you want.

Other than that,

you can do as you wish for as long as you're here.

Fuck me, mate! Don't be creeping like that.

Occasionally, you'll see helpers

such as this throughout the house.

They're here to clean, restock food and drink,

and guide you through challenges.

You can speak to them if you wish,

but they will not answer. They are here only to help.

Then if there are no further questions, good luck,

and enjoy your stay at Furcas's House of Fun.

Okay. Is it just me or is there all kinds of wrong

with everything here?

Right. Who wants a drink?

Two for me.

- Yes. - Make it double.

So, we're just supposed to talk then?

Into there?

♪ No, nobody gonna tell us how Or take us down, whoa..." ♪

Well, look who showed up.

♪ ...Yeah, here we go... ♪

- Headstone here. - Hi, it's me, Ula.

♪ El Shocker, El Shocker ♪

What's up? It's your girl Ximena Torres,

coming at you live from the Funhouse.

♪ ...We're gonna have some fun ♪

♪ Let's all get A little bit higher... ♪

You're dead sweetheart. Here we go.

Uh, if my agent's watching, what the actual fuck, Gary?

You know I'm clinically claustrophobic!

Yeah, you could have told me

we'd be packed in here like a bunch of lab rats.

♪ ...Fire dancer... ♪

♪ Fire dancer Show me your crown... ♪

Okay, shut up!

♪ ...Show me your crown... ♪

I bet you didn't read the contract, Gary, did ya?

Your one job, mate. You sit behind your desk,

you read contracts.

It's like they knew I was claustrophobic

and they used it against me.

Hang on. I'm... I'm in here.

Actually, it reminds me of a knock-knock joke.

Knock-knock.

Uh, little old lady...

Didn't... didn't know you could yodel.

Come on, Kaz.

Stakes are too high for that, man.

I'm a lot better at telling jokes in Swedish.

Wait, how the hell am I supposed to update social media

if I'm trapped in here without a phone, Gary?

Who the fuck is Gary?

You know what? Hashtag #FuckGary.

Let's get that ball rolling, yeah?

No "El Shocker"?

Oh, no, no, sweetie.

♪ ...Come for you... ♪

Everybody in the house seems...

nice, but with that many dysfunctional people...

To new friends!

...get ready.

Drama, she's coming.

How do you even do that?

No. Come on!

What's up, guys?

- Don't forget, vote for Ximena. - Kisses.

Right. Maybe a half an hour in heaven

before the Devil knows your dead. Vote Headstone.

Vote Lonni.

Vote Dex, yo.

Vote Ula La More. You won't regret it.

See you tomorrow.

In the future, I'm reading the contracts,

that much I can tell you. Uh, vote Nevin.

I'll probably talk

about something more interesting next time.

Vote Cat.

Sorry about the joke. Um, vote for me, anyway.

- Show me that. Yes. - Why?

- The dude's Swedish. - And?

Hey, everybody. I'm Pete Sake,

bringing you the best of the worst to the web.

Up first, the new reality show abomination

everyone's talking about, Furcas's House of Fun,

featuring eight former celebrities,

aka fame whores, competing to see

who can be the most cringeworthy,

all the while facing off for five million dollars.

Something tells me this crew is gonna make anyone

who actually ate a Tide Pod feel like a Rhodes scholar.

Should be fun.

So, you're from Boston, huh?

I'm from Grand Rapids, Michigan, originally.

Went to Boston U for four years, though.

What did you take?

I am the proud owner of a degree in Elizabethan literature.

Oh, wow. That's cool.

Cool if you want a Shakespeare quote.

Not so cool if you want a job that pays actual money.

Seems to be a lot of that going around here.

So you are the bride-to-be.

That's my claim to fame.

Or, rather, infamy.

Yeah, well, I can relate.

I thought I heard voices out here.

My kind of people, huh? Night owls. I'll bartend.

Well, I'm more of a rooster these days,

so, you two have at it.

Oh, no. Ugh, no.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Kasper, where the hell are you going?

- Oi, it's time for a drink. - I think I'm also

a little bit more of a rooster myself.

Roosters? No, no, fuck roosters. All right? Fuck 'em.

Night owls fly down

with their claws and kill roosters.

And then eat them.

Well, when you put like that.

Ooh.

Thank you.

Cheers.

The bold will die, as will the strong.

As legends, we go on.

- Wait. What... what was that? - What?

- What did you say? - What?

What are you talking about?

It was a toast my father used to say.

My father was a hard man.

But he made me the man I am today...

by beating the ever-living shite out of me

every day he was alive.

Anyway... ...repeat after me.

- The bold will die. - The bold will die.

- As will the strong. - As will the strong.

- As legends we go on. - As legends we go on.

- Slainte. - Skoal.

Are you a friendly ghost, Casper?

Actually, it's Kasper with a K.

We didn't really have that cartoon in Sweden.

We had The Moomins, though. You should check that out.

So, why do they call you Headstone?

Because I put people into the earth.

Lay them to rest, so to speak.

Fair enough.

And because it rhymes with Malone.

It does.

Also, I have an extremely hard head.

Okay.

So, it's a... a triple entendre when you think about it, right?

I... I got it.

- Right. Slainte! - Skoal!

What?

- Just drink. - Fair enough.

They don't have any fucking beer around here.

And that's why you always get a Fluffer, okay?

I will make a note of that. Yeah.

Hey, my man, you know what happened

in the fútbol match Colo-Colo y La U?

Hey. Do you speak Spanish? Fútbol, you know?

Oh, I got it, I got it. It's soccer, isn't it?

You know about soccer?

Why do some people call it soccer

and some football?

Never understood that.

Hello, everyone.

Furcas, how are you doing, mate?

Congratulations on making it through the first three days

in the Funhouse.

I see friendships were made, some more than others.

There were some tense moments,

but all in all, it looked like everyone's had fun,

and that's the name of the game.

But now, the votes are in, and, unfortunately,

for one of you, it's time to say goodbye.

So, without further ado, let's find out who.

Let's go.

Come on. Come on.

Yeah! Go, Dex! Go, Dex! Go, Dex!

Well, there we have it.

You fucking won.

Three percent. What in the actual fuck?

Ula taking an early lead.

Looks like turning off the blur feature in the shower

really helped your cause.

Cat with a strong second, followed by Dex,

Headstone, Kasper, and Ximena, a tight race.

Then we have Lonni and Nevin.

But because your votes are within one percent,

you'll both have to undergo a challenge

to see who makes it to the next round.

So, let's just see what your challenge shall be.

Piñata Party!

What?

- Yo, that's racist. - A little.

Lonni, Nevin, please follow the helper

- to your first challenge. - Well...

...let's get this over with.

Bye-bye.

It's because I'm a Limey, isn't that it?

Yeah, colonialism, that's what it is.

All right, you bamboo-munching Muppet,

lets' go. I'll let this happen, but this is bullshit.

Yeah, number one bullshit.

It ain't 'cause he's British.

It's because he bitches all the time.

People don't like whiny shit.

But you know what people do like is T&A.

- Yeah, boy. - Excuse me?

Oh, nothing. I'm just saying.

Well, I'm just saying, show them if you got them.

Oh, yes, girl, I got them.

And everything you see is a 100 percent real.

People voted for me

because I'm a nice person.

- I'm likeable, bitch. - Ooh.

No, babe, they voted for you

because you showered naked in front of millions of people.

But whatever, that's real classy, ho.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

- I like you still a lot. - I know.

For the rest of you lucky few, to the Witness Room you go.

- Come on. - Here we go.

Let's fucking go.

I'll take that with me.

They must have ran out of cash for this part of the house, huh?

In procession, man.

Nice decor.

Oh, shit.

Fucking move there.

Holy moly.

What they got in there?

Listen, what is this house? I can't see shit.

What is this? Is it like a peep show or something?

Oh, shit.

Too bad Ula's on the wrong side.

- Ooh! - Funny, bitch.

- El Shocker! - One...

- Get it, girl. - Come on, Lonni.

- Team Lonni. - Whoo!

Yeah, you go, girl.

Hello, Lonni, are you ready for your first challenge?

- Let's do this. - This is going to be fun.

That should be Ximena's challenge.

I'm sure she's a pro.

I wouldn't be talking about pros, babe.

Just 'cause you're not on a corner

doesn't mean you're not selling.

Oh, don't worry about that. Don't worry about that.

The challenge is quite simple.

You must break open the piñata and retrieve what's inside.

Then using an identical piñata, Nevin will do the same.

Whoever's fastest, wins. Good luck to you.

- This is fine. It's fine. - Easy one.

- Go, Lonni. - Give her the bat.

They didn't even give her the bat.

The piñata's going away.

Very funny, guys.

- What the fuck? - Wow!

Is that Nevin?

He's got a fucking gag in his mouth.

What the fuck?

- This is a joke. - Well, what if...

Oh, hey, hey, hey.

- No, for real. Lonni. - Lonni, stop!

- Lonni! - It's fake.

You guys are so gullible, man. Relax.

- No! - Fuck.

- What the fuck? - Lonni!

Stop!

No, stop!

Dammit!

Hey!

Stop it, man!

- Turn that off! Turn that... - No. No, no, no.

- Yeah, no. - That's crazy.

Relax. Like, it's not even real.

No! Lonni!

Well done, Lonni.

You can take off your goggles now.

This is fucked.

Oh, my God!

This isn't happening.

Where's he going?

- Fuck. - Come on!

Wasn't that fun?

What the fuck is going on here?

Isn't it obvious?

Who are you? What is this place?

What the fuck are you?

The question is not what am I?

But it's what are you? All of you?

I wanna go home.

Now, see, Ula, this is your home now,

except only one of you will ever leave.

- Ximena, come on! - Why are you doing this?

All will be revealed in due time.

But until then you will continue to live in the house,

until another vote is tallied and another challenge is met.

If you refuse to participate, if you try to escape,

if you do not comply in any way,

a fate far worse than Nevin's awaits,

I assure you.

The horror and the pain

will be unlike anything you could possibly imagine.

So, you must complete your obligation

and finish what you've started. So, put on a happy face!

Get the audience on your side!

Win their hearts, and more importantly,

their votes, for your fate is in their hands.

Now, would you all please kindly adjourn to the Funhouse?

Have yourselves a drink. You've earned it.

Especially you, Lonni.

Up next, Furcas's House of Fun,

or what is now simply being called Funhouse,

turned into a nightmare last night,

when famed YouTube diva, Nevin Eversmith

was beaten to death

by season 18 bride-to-be, Lonni Byrne.

Personally, the only nightmare I see here,

is that people are actually eating up this shit

and asking for seconds. I mean, sure,

I've wanted to use Nevin as a human piñata,

and beat him with a spiked baseball bat,

but who hasn't?

And unfortunately, I'd go to jail.

Sorry, Funhouse, not buying it.

I accept thee as my Lord and Savior...

assured of thy mercy as long as I may live.

Oh, Holy God. Oh, Holy Death, Holy.

So, what're we gonna do, huh? Let's get the fuck out.

This is online. The cops had to see that.

Do you see any cameras here, huh?

Slowdown. Just relax.

Relax? Did you see what just fucking happened?

- She murdered Nevin, man! - Shut up!

Nobody murdered anybody! She didn't even fucking know.

Whatever, it doesn't matter. Let's go.

Hey. Hey. There's a way out of here.

I can see the fucking sky.

Are you deaf, you fucker, huh?

Did you not hear what he said?

We break the window, we climb, and we fucking run.

This ain't no plexiglass, trust me.

Just chill. We've gotta think.

Hey! You stay if you want. I'm out.

Maybe he's right. It looks like a way out.

We can't just sit here.

- He's watching us. - Oh, yeah? Let's find out.

- No! - Hey, you fucking, fuck...

- Watch this, you fuckers! - No!

It's a projection.

No, shit.

- What is this place? - This place is your home.

And I was very clear on what would happen

if you tried to leave.

Unfortunately, Dex has now forfeited his spot in the house

and will no longer be eligible for the five million dollars.

Oh, no.

Dex, kindly

- follow them, please. - What are you gonna do?

You gonna shoot me, huh? Huh?

No, please.

Fuck!

Dex! Dex!

Please... help me!

Mother of God, please. Please.

My God, what's happening?

- Please! - What is that shit?

That shit is fluoroantimonic acid.

It's an inorganic compound created

by reacting hydrogen fluoride with antimonic pentafluoride.

According to the Hammett acidity function,

it's the most corrosive substance on earth.

When mixed with water, the chemical reaction

will dissolve flesh and bone within minutes.

- Have fun with that, Dex! - Wait!

- They're not doing that. - Oh.

Oh, my God!

A horrific spectacle

has been unfolding on the internet this week,

broadcasting live to the world.

Authorities have yet to comment

on the video's authenticity.

What started as an online reality series

is now a nightmare for a group.

What appears to be a macabre contest,

eight celebrities compete to survive...

And what we know so far, is that the eight contestants

flew into Los Angeles four days ago,

and then vanished.

Whether a sadistic game or an elaborate hoax,

the show's popularity continues to skyrocket

even after two people have allegedly been murdered.

Authorities are currently trying to locate the source

of what has now been confirmed to be a live video feed

from inside the house.

Just kill him already!

Oh, I'm sure he's on his last legs.

No!

So, take a good look and understand this,

which now I reiterate for the second time.

There will be no heroes here.

No fantastical plans to escape. No happy ending.

If you don't play the game and abide by its rules,

this will be your fate.

But rest assured, next time it won't be as quick and easy.

You can expect much more pain. Much more suffering.

So, focus your energies on accumulating votes,

for it is the only way out of here.

Hey, kids. The word of the day is fluoroantimonic acid.

And our good, ole pal, El Shocker,

took one hell of a bath.

♪ El Shocker, El Shocker ♪

- Really? - You know.

I mean, I can create a better CG

with my Instagram filters.

- Then what? - Fake!

This can't be happening to me.

Well, I hate to break it to you, girl...

because it's happening to all of us.

Not just to poor, little Miss Instagram.

But look at the bright side.

You and the twins are racking up millions of followers by now.

- Fuck you. - What's up?

You don't like the exposure?

Isn't that how you make a living?

Showing your tits and ass for the world to see.

Yeah, and you blog about her showing her tits and ass,

and about me, and Lonni, and anyone else

you feel so inclined to lie about.

I don't lie, man. I report the news you make

by doing stupid ass shit.

Stupid ass shit like living my life?

You love to watch people crash and burn,

- and you fucking exploit it. - I give people what they want.

I give people a closer look into the fake fucking lives

that you choose to show the world.

That's what I do.

Dex and Nevin are dead.

And you're bickering about this bullshit?

- You people are insane. - And annoying as fuck.

Now, I think all of youse need a time-out.

Now, who wants a drink? I'm buying. Kaz? Come on.

I don't know if anyone is watching...

or if this is some sick game.

Or a nightmare.

How is anybody expected to speak after witnessing that?

You know, I've seen a lot of crazy shite

in my life, but, uh, this takes the cake.

Please, somebody help us.

I saw them die.

We don't deserve this.

We're still people with a soul, and we're still human beings.

I don't wanna die.

To Nevin's family, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.

I have one thing to say to you, Furcas.

Go to hell.

Fuck you.

You cowardly piece of shite.

Goodbye.

And now, for a unique perspective on these events,

we turn to Grammy Award-winning pop artist, Darla Drake,

who was once married to Kasper Nordin,

one of the contestants currently inside the house.

Darla, thank you for joining us during what I'm sure

is an extremely difficult time.

I just can't believe something like this is happening.

It's... it's beyond words.

To the people who are doing this...

Kasper is a good man.

He's never done anything to hurt anyone.

None of these people have.

Please, if you're listening, just let them go.

And also, to the public

who is watching and voting on this.

These are people's lives that you're playing with.

You have to stop perpetuating this.

Somebody has to stop this.

But what if their votes, or your vote,

could help save Kasper?

So, an Irishman, a Mexican, a Filipino, a Swede,

and an American walk into a bar.

There's gotta be a punch line in there somewhere.

- That was nice. - What?

To laugh.

Well, let's keep it going, then. Fuck him.

All right. Does any of youse know any jokes? Kasper?

All right. I had a joke once...

about yodeling.

It went horribly.

Then let's just talk.

Yeah, we should at least get to know each other

before we die.

Sorry.

What's the topic of the discussion?

How about... what was it like being married to Darla Drake?

Boom.

I'm kidding, man. It's a really bad joke.

No, no, no, I like this topic.

I'm sorry, Ghost, but I'm a big fan of hers.

Okay, so, what do you wanna know?

About her shoe size.

And her thoughts on the climate change.

What do you think I wanna know?

How about start with how you met?

It was three years ago.

I had just moved to L.A., and I was playing

this little gig at a bar on Sunset.

And one night, Darla showed up.

This was just before she blew up,

so, I didn't know who she was.

And, um, after the show, she came up to me.

And to this day, I... I still can't believe

that she was talking to me.

We closed up, walked down the street...

talking till the sun came up. And...

I fell in love with her right there

on the street.

Two months later I'm on tour with her.

And three months later we're married.

It all just happened so fast.

And what age were you when you got married, 12?

- I was 19. - Oh.

I guess, young and dumb really is a thing, huh?

For the record, the whole backup singer thing

started as a joke. I was never her backup singer.

She just pulled me up on stage one night,

just to mess with me.

Headlines. "Pop star falls for backup singer."

Totally fabricated.

And then we did that stupid reality show.

And I said I would never do that again.

And here I am...

again.

Only this time for the money.

Hey, go easy on yourself, Ghost.

All right, we're all here for the money.

I spent last summer living in my car,

so, I can see how five million dollars

could come in handy. Well, if I win.

And if you lose,

all your problems will be gone anyways.

So, it's a win-win?

If Furcas actually gives the winner five million.

I don't know about that Furcas guy,

he seems a bit sketchy, if you ask me.

- Yep. - You guys having fun?

You all gonna die.

Hilarious.

And what are we supposed to do instead, babe?

Sit around, sleep, bitch, cry all day.

Please tell us, how's this working out for you?

Sorry to interrupt this riveting conversation,

but the results are in.

I do, however, have some exciting news.

Since Dex's untimely death,

the viewership has risen fivefold,

so, a big congratulations is in order to all of you.

Now, without further ado, let's find out who.

Nice work, Cat.

It seems, sometimes, less truly is more.

Lonni, second last to second place.

Perhaps the mental anguish you suffered

after disposing off Nevin in such a gruesome,

yet entertaining fashion,

made you a more sympathetic character.

You're a piece of shit.

Please refrain from the clever comments

for the time being, Mr. Nordin.

Third place is still respectable.

Next, we have Headstone in fourth,

but look here, a Funhouse first,

a tie for the bottom two.

There is no way I tied that bitch.

Okay. Keep talking, stupid.

- Go on, say it. - Fuck you.

- Go to hell, skank! - I don't understand you!

Go fuck yourself, stupid!

Ladies, please, this is very unbecoming.

However, this next challenge may be just the thing

to help you work through these issues.

So, let's just see what your challenge shall be.

Blind Rage.

Well, that sounds fun and therapeutic.

So, let's all adjourn to the Kill Room, shall we?

I'm gonna fucking kill you!

I highly doubt you can outfight the bullet, Headstone.

- No! No! - Hey, get your hands off her!

- Hey! - No!

Fuck!

Welcome to your Blind Rage challenge.

The rules are simple. You'll each be given an ax,

the lights will go out, and you will fight

until one of you is dead.

Please don't do this to us!

There are no pleases here!

You're dead, girl. You're fucking dead.

It's time to play.

Ready?

Lights out!

Holy shit. Night vision.

Oh, man, she's creeping up. Shit's about to get real.

Yeah. Let's go, Ula.

Come on. Watch your back! Watch your back!

Back up, babe.

Fucker!

She's right there.

I hear you, bitch!

Get up, get up, get up! Get up! She's there, she's there!

Lose something, bitch?

Go on, pick it up! There!

What a fucking shit day I'm having.

Say something, you moron! Say something!

I can't understand you!

Ooh!

Ooh, Jesus Christ.

An ax fight in the dark between two hot chicks.

Well played, Funhouse.

Well played. My interest is piqued.

Although, you could've piqued other parts of me

had they been more scantily clad,

but choosers can't be beggars in this crazy world of ours.

Word on the street is, Ximena has a splitting headache.

Hmm, duck lips.

Yeah.

The question everyone's asking then,

is why can't authorities find

the source of the Funhouse website

and where the videos are being broadcast from?

Yeah, I mean, there's many ways

you can hide a website's IP address

on the internet. Typically, they'd use

what's called a Tor network and a dot onion site.

This will have multiple levels of encryption

making it virtually impossible to track down,

but also not easily searchable. Uh, whoever's behind this,

obviously wants as many eyes on it as possible,

so, it has to be on a public domain

and not on the dark web.

Why doesn't the FBI shut down the website,

so that the public can't see it?

Taking away the ability for people to engage.

Yeah, I mean, normally, they would just blackhole

the... the IP address, but whoever's behind this

has obviously thought of that.

Um, they're using a deep-learning virus.

It's a AI of some kind.

Uh, this has, you know, changing proxies

that act as web servers popping up

in different countries all over the world.

Uh, it's called onion routing.

And with this deep-learning virus,

it frankly makes it impossible to track down.

Unfortunately, if I was to guess,

I would say that this show will continue until...

well, I mean, until someone wins.

Wake up!

Wake up!

Where are you?

Come on, Headstone.

Come on, you can't sleep here. Come on.

Fuck off, Ghost! Can you just let me lay here.

What are you doing?

I was just trying to get him to bed.

Had a feeling about you two.

Come. Come sit with me, Kasper.

I think I'm gonna head to bed actually.

You probably should, too.

Why? What do I have to do tomorrow? Die?

Now, I do understand the comedy in it.

- I'm gonna die in here. - Come on, let's get you to bed.

You okay?

Okay, come on.

Come on... it's okay.

- And up. And down you go. - Stay with me.

Hey, take it easy, okay? Come on.

- You don't like me, do you? - Of course, I do.

Then let's do it. Let's give them what they want.

Maybe they will vote for us.

I'm really sorry, I can't do that. I can't.

Fucking bastard.

Headstone, Headstone, it's...

Fucking bastard!

Let him go! You're gonna kill him!

He tried to fuck her!

I've fucking seen you, Ghost! I fucking saw you!

The wonders of alcohol, shame, regret, blackouts.

And it almost led to our first

non-challenge murder in the house.

How's the neck, Kasper?

Well, what a morose group you all are.

You've certainly taken

the fun out of Funhouse today, haven't you?

Well, without further ado, let's find out who.

Wow! Now, that is indeed a surprise.

Kasper Nordin for the win.

- Quite mind-boggling, actually. - Fuck you.

And that was quite rude,

but perhaps effective, considering your vote count.

See, it seems your unwavering "fuck you" attitude

has made you a crowd favorite.

I mean, we are after all living in unprecedented times

where ignorance, vulgarity, and aggression

are all traits to be admired, so, keep it up!

In second place, holding strong, is Cat,

followed by Lonni, Headstone,

and finally, Ula.

I guess, even the female form on full display

can become tiresome.

We are after all living in the internet age, Ula,

where variety is just a click away.

Perhaps you should have focused

on being more genuine. People love authenticity.

I get it, okay. People hate me. They love this.

You think it hasn't been that way my whole life?

Do you think I don't know?

Do you think I didn't hear everyone talking

about me in school?

Like they still talk about me. Comment about me.

Like they know me.

"Hey, beautiful." "Hi, darling." "Hi, sexy."

Whore, bimbo, skank, gold-digger.

Do you think I don't know? Well, fuck you!

My name is Ursula Kosmatka.

I don't give a fuck what you think of me.

Wow. That was authentic, Ula. That was genuine.

That tugged at the heartstrings.

But unfortunately, too little too late.

So, let's just see what her challenge will be.

Forget Me Not.

The Forget Me Not challenge is a simple variant

of the perennial classic card game Concentration,

also known as Memory.

You will have two minutes to match all the card pairs.

If you succeed,

you automatically move on to the next round.

But if you fail,

well, I strongly suggest you don't fail.

Your time begins now.

Concentrate!

- Ula, the one on the right. - Dude, she's probably

- really stressed out right now. - Aw.

Cut her some slack.

Come on.

Come on, hurry, hurry, hurry!

Keep going! Come on!

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one. Time's up!

Wow, what a barn burner.

I really thought you had it there, Ula,

but I do see how duck face and fish gape

can easily be mistaken for one another.

Bring forth the Wheel of Fun!

You'll have one chance to spin the wheel

and seal your fate. If you do the math,

you have a 46.7 percent chance of landing on a Quick & Easy,

which means you will be shot in the head point blank.

No pain, case closed. But there's also Pass the Buck,

which means you pass a new challenge

onto the next lowest contestant and move on to the next round.

Better odds than any casino, right?

Now, those other seven spaces,

you'll wanna avoid those altogether,

the Rat House and Impaler being especially messy.

If you choose not to spin,

I'll choose one of the nasty seven for you.

But wouldn't it be nice

to be in charge of your own destiny?

So, turn that frown upside down,

spin the wheel, and paint the town red.

I hope she gets the gun.

Pear of Anguish sounds pretty interesting.

You're sick. You know that?

The Rack! Ouch! Arguably

the most painful torture method ever devised.

This is definitely not your lucky day, Ula.

Prepare her.

- Yes! - Take her alive!

Ula La More.

Did you know your true name, Ursula,

derives from the Latin word meaning strong little bear?

Well, you certainly lived up to that name today.

You killed a man with your teeth, like an animal!

Perhaps I didn't give you enough credit, Ula.

It sure will be a shame to see you part with us today,

but alas, you cannot stay.

Death lies on her

like an untimely frost...

...upon the sweetest flower of all the field.

- No! - Stop!

Look! Look at me! Look at me! For fuck's... Ula! Hey!

Oh, there goes an arm!

For fuck's sake! God! Fuck!

Funhouse. What the hell?

You go and kill off the hot Instagram model,

and right after she bares her soul to us?

I mean, do you even know who your target audience is?

I was starting to really like Miss La More,

and then you go and rip her limbs off.

How can you take selfies without arms?

Hello, everyone.

I have a surprise for you waiting by the green door.

- You're a twisted fuck. - I apologize, Kasper,

we couldn't find any online pictures

of your parents due to the fact that they died

in a car crash when you were just

three years old.

You, however, survived

to become Darla Drake's ex-husband,

so, that's a nice silver lining, isn't it?

Well, I hope this trip down memory lane

has brought some solace

into your otherwise wasted lives.

I'm sorry about your family.

It just made me realize that if I die in here,

what difference does it make?

He's right, you know? I contribute nothing.

- I am nothing. - Don't you dare listen

to that thing.

I will always be known as Darla Drake's ex-husband.

That's my legacy.

Believe me, I get it. You forgot you're talking

to a girl who dated 30 guys in front of 50 million people,

and was to marry one of them

after knowing him for, like, a month.

People think I'm shallow.

That I'm a fame whore.

But why? 'Cause we were trying to find someone to love?

Does that mean we're not good people?

That we don't contribute?

We got caught up in something.

It's this idea that we need to be somebody.

I bought into it. Thought I could find it.

But you... you just fell in love with a girl

and got caught up in her life. Big difference.

Social media, tabloids,

celebrities, fame, money, it's all bullshit.

It's taken us down a dark path, and it has led us right here.

- I have to explain about Ula. - No, you don't.

- Yes, I do. - You don't owe me anything.

And I don't feel right talking about her...

not now.

If that's the case, then why do you think

your marriage to Kasper didn't work out?

I watched Back up Love, and it seems to me

like you two were made for each other.

With Kasper, love was never the problem.

I know this will sound very trite and cliché,

but... it's complicated.

Living under a microscope, it's... it's complicated.

And he, um... he wanted kids.

And while I knew he would be an amazing father...

I don't know, I just...

I can't imagine bringing a child into this world.

Why not?

Turn on the news and take your pick.

And now, this... this Funhouse thing.

I just can't believe what human beings

- are capable of. - Do you still love Kasper?

I'll always love him.

So, without further ado, let's find out who.

Congratulations, Kasper.

Personally, I find you quite abrasive,

but the audience seems to like you.

Perhaps the chivalry shown to the recently departed

did not go unnoticed

by the more civilized portion of the voting audience.

I do feel that some form

of vindication is owed to Mr. Nordin.

Stay with me.

- You don't like me, do you? - Of course, I do.

Then let's do it. Maybe they will vote for us.

I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Fucking bastard.

- Headstone, Headstone, it's... - Fucking bastard!

Let him go!

- You're gonna kill him! - He tried to fuck her!

I'm sorry, Ghost.

Now, that we've cleared the air on that,

back to the count. We have Lonni in second place,

Cat in third, and finally, Headstone.

It seems your drunken antics

will only take you so far.

Looks like the one-trick pony has finally run out of tricks.

Show me the man behind the puppet

- and I'll show you some tricks. - All in due time.

For now, let's just see what your challenge shall be.

Death Match. The audience shall choose your fate.

Vapula

Sabnock.

Botis.

Orobas.

Voting is open for one hour.

No one's gonna vote on something like this.

Are they?

- Whoa! - Those are big dudes,

- man. - Yeah.

That painting on their face. Whoo!

- I like that guy. - Orobas all the way, man.

- That dude right there, Botis. - No, no, no, no.

Vapula all the way, man.

Come on!

Botis.

Sabnock.

Botis.

The audience has spoken.

Headstone versus Botis to the death.

If you win, you continue to the next round.

If you lose, well...

What I say now is for one person,

and one person only.

My daughter...

...Nina.

When you grow up, I hope you never witness

what happened in here. I pray you never see that.

But I do hope that you receive this message someday,

so, you can understand something about me.

I tried to be a good father.

Now, I know I wasn't allowed to be around you very much

because of the bad choices I made.

Choices that had nothing to do with you. It was my fault.

I did that to us and for that I'm ashamed.

I've made so many mistakes.

I have so much rage.

But there's one thing I did do right, you.

You were the only thing in my life

that was pure, and good, and beautiful.

My Primrose Princess in your wee yellow dress.

Just remember, no matter what happens in your life,

that your father loved you more than anything in his.

You are my life... always.

I'll see you later.

And now, this is the moment fight fans watching

around the world have been waiting for.

Live from the Funhouse Kill Room!

A fight to the death for the undisputed

Funhouse Championship of the world.

Introducing first, fighting out of the blue corner,

a mixed martial artist holding a professional record,

28 wins, six losses, one no contest,

he stands five feet ten inches tall,

weighing in at a 170 and one half pounds,

fighting out of Dundalk, Ireland

James Headstone Malone.

Come on, buddy. Come on, you got this.

Introducing his opponent, fighting out of the red corner,

holding a perfect record of 24 kills, no losses.

He stands at six feet ten inches tall,

weighing in at 340 pounds,

fighting out of the Seventh Circle of Hell, Botis!

- Let's go, Botis. - Why would you cheer for him?

- It's to the death. - Look at him, he's massive.

Gentlemen, the rules are very simple.

Fight until one of you is dead.

Begin.

Yes!

- No! - Oh, yes, Botis! Yes! Yes!

- Come on, asshole! - Yeah, yeah, yeah!

- You got this, Headstone! - Come on!

- Tear it out. - Rip his fucking head off!

Yes!

He fucking did it!

Whoo! Yeah.

A fantastic display of courage, Headstone.

I'd even hazard a guess to say that if you absolutely had to,

you could keep fighting.

Well, you absolutely have to.

No! What the hell is this? No! Headstone!

You're a fucking liar and a snake!

Okay.

But just one last thing.

You know you're going to hell for all this. Right?

See, the thing is, I'm going there, too.

So, I'll be waiting for you.

And I'll teach you about fucking pain.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

- The bold will die... - As will the strong.

As legends, we go on.

Come on!

- Come on! - No! No!

No!

Fucking stop.

Okay, Funhouse, that was one hell of a fight.

I mean, that Headstone fella can sure take a beating.

But then again, we Irish have been taking them

- our whole lives. - Okay.

Sorry, just a bit of sad reflection for my people.

Not gonna lie, I was little disappointed

to see my countryman taken out that way.

I mean, three on one?

That Furcas son of a bitch is one bold-faced liar.

Whatever happened to the days

when you could trust the word of a sadistic, maniacal panda?

A penny for your thoughts.

I'm just wondering who you are.

What kind of person you are.

What it would be like to make you suffer.

I mean, I get that you are a sadistic animal.

A coward that kills innocent people.

Why do you do this?

Celebrated mediocrity

has become the opiate of the masses.

Fame with no expertise, nor talent, nor accomplishment.

It's a sickness that must be cleansed.

It's madness.

You're important because you married a pop star,

simple as that.

So, now, you must become the product which you so covet

in that pathetic life you have chosen.

I don't buy it. There's gotta be more to it.

What, Mommy and Daddy didn't love you enough?

You couldn't get a date to prom? Or is it chemical?

Fucked up circuits.

A penny for your thoughts.

You are indeed entertaining, Mr. Nordin.

But see, that's part of it.

Entertainment.

See, I'm doing this because I must.

Because somebody had to do it.

I mean, death and torture happen all over the world

every single day to so called innocent people.

But see, no one really cares unless it happens

to a specific group of people,

of a specific color, in a specific country.

So, I bring it to them live,

unedited, authentic, without commercial interruption.

And perhaps

you're not as innocent as you thought you were.

See, it's what you represent that is the problem.

This new Kardashianization of humanity.

The big decline.

You are part of a condition fueled by entertainment.

News is entertainment,

politics is entertainment, war is entertainment,

and your death, no matter how insignificant that may be...

is entertainment.

Sure, some will weep for you, others will laugh,

but make no mistake, the vast majority of people

who watch you die will feel absolutely nothing.

If you die in this house,

the people that watch will go to bed the same at night,

wake up the next morning, and go about their lives

like you never even existed at all.

And then they'll find the next new, shiny object.

That is entertainment.

In the end, we are all just animals, Kasper,

primitive and self-serving until that very end comes.

So, all that garbage you just spouted,

makes you, what, our judge, jury, and executioner?

It justifies murder?

Oh, human beings love murder.

We love violence. We love death.

On television in this country,

a woman's breasts are more censored

than a slit throat,

the word fuck more than a severed head.

And look no further than any comment thread

of any social media platform

to see how quickly a harmless debate

can devolve into aggression, violence, and hate.

What I'm saying is, Mr. Nordin,

that same instinct lies in both you and in I.

Except I choose to embrace it.

I hate to tell you this... but that thing

that lives in you... has never, and will never live in us.

Oh, I'm betting that it does...

and that it will reveal itself very, very soon.

Well, don't I feel like the third wheel here.

How about I give you two some privacy?

Good talk.

Look, I, um...

I'm glad you're here.

Oh, no. That...

Here, just...

I just mean, I'm glad I got the chance to know you...

even if it was in here.

Me, too.

Sure wish it could have been someplace else, though,

like a grocery store.

Hmm. Okay.

♪ You're nobody You're nobody... ♪

Oh.

And then there were three. You've come so far...

Save your breath, asshole. Just get on with it.

Well, someone certainly woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Mind you, a bed that wasn't used

for much sleeping last night,

but I digress.

So, at the behest of Kasper,

without further ado, let's find out who.

And again, it's Kasper Nordin by a nose,

followed closely by Lonni.

It appears, last night's erotic escapade

may have paid off, star-crossed lovers.

And then we have Cat, the quiet queen of cute.

Looks like that routine has finally worn thin,

so, let's just see what your challenge shall be.

Chess Master.

This should be right up your alley, Cat.

Found it. Grady, Oklahoma.

Welcome to the Chess Master challenge.

If you are victorious,

you will receive a free pass to the next round.

But if I win, you must spin. Any questions?

Then ladies first.

Ah, Grunfeld. Very interesting. Not bad,

but not very original for a grand master.

Knight to king's bishop three.

Pawn to king's knight three.

Bishop to king three.

Impressive.

Bishop to queen's bishop five.

Check.

Knight to king six.

Check.

Knight to queen's bishop six.

Check.

Rook to queen's bishop six.

Checkmate.

Well played.

Clearly, you were influenced by Byrne versus Fischer 1956.

Game of the century.

You are truly formidable. I mean that sincerely.

But still you did not win, so, you must spin.

Ladies and gentlemen, Cat Zim has passed the buck.

Another Funhouse first. This means a new challenge

will be passed onto Lonni Byrne.

Get out of my way. It's over. Get out of my way!

- Let me take her place. - That's not how this works.

Please, just let me take her place.

A valiant gesture, Mr. Nordin,

- but there are in fact rules. - You make the rules!

What do you fucking care?

Please, just let me do the challenge.

You are indeed

a pestilent little fuck, Kasper Nordin.

But seeing as I do love a good Harlequin romance,

and this situation definitely has all of the trappings of one,

albeit dripping with cheese,

still I will allow you to take her place.

No, no, no. No, you can't do this.

- No, you're not doing this. No! - It's okay. It's okay. Shh.

It's okay.

Kasper Nordin, let's just see what your challenge will be.

Pistols At Dawn! How exciting.

But who will you face? I know, Lonni Byrne!

What? No, no, no. Fuck you! We had a deal! We had a deal!

I told you

there would be no heroes here, and there certainly

would be no martyrs. Like you said, I make the rules!

If you had just kept your filthy trap shut, Kasper,

we wouldn't be in this position, would we?

Now, you will each receive a pistol.

Stand back-to-back. On my count, take ten paces,

turn, and fire.

If you fail to participate, or if you refuse to fire,

you'll each have to face the wheel.

Take your pistols and positions, please.

Or...

...if you prefer, we could always put Lonni

in the Brazen Bull,

cook her alive, and then force feed-her to you

for dinner. Totally your call.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Goodnight, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow,

so, I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.

On my count. One...

- Two. - ...two...

three...

four...

five...

six...

seven...

eight...

nine...

ten.

Get back! We've got a Bomb!

Get the Bomb Squad!

We have a winner!

Cat Zim!

Well, it's all over but the proverbial crying,

culminating in a Shakespearean tragedy

for the ages.

Personally, I think Kasper and Lonni,

should have turned their guns on those dirty pandas

and shot their way out Butch and Sundance style,

made their way down to Vegas and gotten married.

But then again, those pandas had machine guns.

And then the one who doesn't even speak

wins the whole thing? I guess, less truly is more.

Or maybe it was the masturbating.

Who knows?

Pete Sake, out.

Cat Zim, the lone survivor

of the horrific reality series,

Funhouse, was found this morning

by a motorist on the remote road

near the town of Florence, on the Oregon coast.

The grisly discovery

was made by the FBI SWAT team

who raided the compound. The device,

which was initially believed to be a bomb,

was later found to be a decoy server,

planted by the culprits

to divert authorities from their trail.

As of now, there are still no suspects

in the case.

Welcome back to the Chuck Thorn Show.

I've been speaking with tech titan, Nero Alexander,

owner of over 70 companies,

ranging from construction, to biofuels, pharmaceuticals,

AI, and now, even nanotechnology.

Nero, now, you've accomplished what so few entrepreneurs have.

You've built an empire

with literally no help from anyone.

You didn't inherit any wealth, whatsoever. And at one point,

you were the youngest self-made billionaire,

that's with a B, on the planet.

I'm semi-retired now. I'm trying to have more fun.

So, to all the budding entrepreneurs

out there that look up to you as an example

of what's possible, what do you say to them?

I just feel the majority of the youth today

want something for nothing. They want fame and fortune

for really doing as little as possible.

It's the scientist who's the role model,

the physicist, the engineer, the inventor.

Not someone whose only contribution

to humanity is a sex tape, or a reality TV show,

or millions of social media followers.

I mean, it's madness.

So, I guess, I would say,

do something that contributes to society.

I know I have.

Cat Zim.

Why, you are indeed full of surprises, aren't you?

Did you have fun?

Yes.

But next time...

I'm not letting you win at chess.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ How many votes Is one life worth ♪

♪ Before you rest Into the earth ♪

♪ Pain is all you ever see ♪

♪ Hate will let The one will leave ♪

♪ How many likes for a life? ♪

♪ Decency is under the knife ♪

♪ All media is social now ♪

♪ A multi-media pile drive ♪

♪ Let's go to the Funhouse! ♪

♪ Beyond the door The killer awaits ♪

♪ Spin the wheel, seal you fate Miss the rack, best of luck ♪

♪ Pray to God You pass the buck ♪

♪ Ignorance has swept the nation ♪

♪ Closer to annihilation ♪

♪ A remedy is on the line, Welcome to the bigger crime ♪

♪ Let's go to the Funhouse! ♪

♪ Let's go to the Funhouse! ♪

♪ Let's go to the Funhouse! ♪

♪ Let's go to the Funhouse! ♪

Yes, Gary speaking.

Nevin? No, he's on some show, Funhouse something.

What?

He's dead?

Human piñata?

That's fucked up.

Uh, did we still get the 100K?

Fuck me. Can I have another Mai Tai?