Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,669 --> 00:00:03,771
* Men. *
2
00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,606
ALAN:
Fade in.
3
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:08,042
Exterior--night.
4
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,710
A dark, desolate prairie.
5
00:00:09,777 --> 00:00:12,246
A lone cowboy sits
on a sturdy horse,
6
00:00:12,313 --> 00:00:13,881
gazing up at the moon.
7
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:17,151
Suddenly, a flash of light
appears in the sky,
8
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:20,321
and a burning meteor
plummets to the Earth.
9
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:25,626
(typing)
10
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,528
(sighs)
11
00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:30,064
Fade in.
12
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,732
Exterior-- night.
13
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:34,102
New York City, Hell's Kitchen.
14
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:36,237
A lone cop sits
in a patrol car,
15
00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:38,606
gazing up at the moon.
16
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,746
Suddenly, a flash of light
appears in the sky,
17
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:48,816
and a flaming meteor
plummets to the Earth.
18
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,052
All right.
19
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:53,687
Now we're cooking.
20
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:55,623
Alan?
21
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:56,757
Mia?
22
00:00:56,824 --> 00:00:58,659
I thought that was you.
23
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:00,461
What a nice surprise.
24
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:02,830
Uh, didn't you move back
to New York with your husband?
25
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,266
We did, but then we split
up, and I came back here.
26
00:01:05,333 --> 00:01:06,534
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
27
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,169
I mean, not that you moved
back here,
28
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:09,203
but that it didn't work out.
29
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:11,239
So, how's Charlie doing?
30
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:12,540
Oh, he's fine.
Uh, actually,
31
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,175
he's engaged,
if you can believe that.
32
00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:15,376
You're kidding.
33
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,178
No, no, she moved in
and everything.
34
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:18,646
Good for him.
Hmm!
35
00:01:18,712 --> 00:01:20,013
So, where are
you living now?
36
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:20,914
What do you mean?
37
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,550
You know,
38
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:25,119
since Charlie's fiancée
moved in, I assumed...
39
00:01:25,986 --> 00:01:27,888
You look great, Alan.
40
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,557
Thank you-- you, too.
41
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:32,059
Please give Charlie my best.
Uh, will do.
42
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:34,295
Bye-bye.
Bye.
43
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,338
(typing)
44
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,676
Fade in.
45
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,478
Interior-- coffee shop.
46
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:51,679
Night.
47
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,614
An unconventionally
handsome man
48
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,383
pounds away
at his lonely laptop,
49
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,618
writing the summer blockbuster
that will lift him
50
00:01:57,685 --> 00:02:00,888
from poverty and put him
in a home of his own.
51
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,125
A beautiful woman
crosses to him.
52
00:02:05,193 --> 00:02:07,561
Their eyes meet.
53
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,903
Suddenly, a flash of light
appears in the sky,
54
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:19,207
and a flaming meteor
plummets to the Earth.
55
00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:22,210
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
56
00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,378
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
57
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:33,687
But I was looking forward
to having dinner with you.
58
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,291
All right, I'll see you later.
59
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:38,959
Yeah... love you, too.
60
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:40,261
(smacks lips)
61
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,334
"Love you, too."
62
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,236
(smacks lips)
63
00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:51,972
Alan?
64
00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:53,006
Yeah?
65
00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:54,742
Smack your kid
for me.
66
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:58,679
Should we really risk
more brain damage?
67
00:02:58,746 --> 00:03:00,881
Thanks for sticking
up for me, Dad.
68
00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,650
Oh, hey.
69
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,985
You'll never guess
who I ran into.
70
00:03:05,052 --> 00:03:07,788
Kobe Bryant?
71
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:08,922
No.
72
00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:10,224
Lauren Conrad?
No.
73
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:11,792
Sean "P. Diddy"
Combs?
74
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,427
What is wrong with you?
75
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,964
No, I ran into Mia
at the coffee shop.
76
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,599
You're kidding.
77
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:21,201
No, uh, apparently,
she's single again
78
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:22,870
and, uh, living in L.A.
79
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,938
What's wrong
with you?
80
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:28,909
So...
81
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:30,043
Mia.
82
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:31,144
How did she look?
83
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,546
Oh, better than ever.
84
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,749
Damn.
85
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:36,817
What did she say?
86
00:03:36,884 --> 00:03:39,920
Uh, she said to
give you her best.
87
00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:41,154
That's it?
88
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,456
Pretty much.
89
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,692
How did she say it?
What do you mean?
90
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:48,962
I mean, was it perfunctory
or was there subtext?
91
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,931
"Perfunctory."
92
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:55,002
That could be my rap name.
93
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,405
MC Perfunctory.
94
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,674
I don't know.
95
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,209
Um...
96
00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:04,011
but I-I mentioned
that you were engaged,
97
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,513
and, uh, she seemed happy
for you.
98
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,281
You told her I was engaged?
99
00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,216
Why the hell would you do that?
100
00:04:09,283 --> 00:04:11,619
Because you are,
in fact, engaged.
101
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,053
And she seemed happy
about that?
102
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,388
Yeah, she said,
"Good for him."
103
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,156
How did she say it?
104
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,025
Was it perfunctory?
105
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:22,363
Or were there subtitles?
106
00:04:23,230 --> 00:04:25,333
I'm leaving.
107
00:04:25,399 --> 00:04:29,269
And yet the memory of him
lingers on.
108
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:31,104
Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Yeah?
109
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:32,506
Love you. (smacks lips)
110
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,678
To think I fought
for shared custody.
111
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:39,947
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
so... so back to Mia.
112
00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,248
Oh, don't tell me
113
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,550
you're still carrying
a torch for her.
114
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,553
No, I'm not carrying
a torch for her.
115
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,621
Why, do you think
she's carrying a torch for me?
116
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:50,424
Charlie, you are engaged
to a wonderful woman.
117
00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:51,992
Just forget about Mia.
118
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,094
I had forgotten about her.
119
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:56,397
I had forgotten
about her face...
120
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,831
her eyes...
121
00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,367
her lips, her legs.
122
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:02,202
Oh, God, those legs.
123
00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:04,204
You're the one
who brought her up.
124
00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:05,939
Sorry.
125
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:07,575
Look, I'm the last one
to tell you
126
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,176
you can't have feelings
for an old girlfriend.
127
00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:12,346
I mean, I myself still have very
strong feelings for Melissa.
128
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:13,981
Who's Melissa?
129
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,349
My receptionist.
130
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,084
Oh, right.
131
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:20,120
The one that caught you
in bed with her mom.
132
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:21,889
Uh, you're
leaving out a lot
133
00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:24,425
of extenuating
circumstances, but...
134
00:05:24,492 --> 00:05:26,326
yes, she caught me
rubbing against her mother.
135
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:29,497
And you want to compare
that freak show
136
00:05:29,563 --> 00:05:31,465
to what Mia and I had?
137
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,000
I almost married her.
138
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,234
All I'm saying is,
139
00:05:34,301 --> 00:05:36,504
you can acknowledge
your feelings for Mia
140
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,872
while still moving forward
with Chelsea.
141
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:40,574
That's exactly what
I intend to do.
142
00:05:40,641 --> 00:05:42,109
Good.
It is good.
143
00:05:48,882 --> 00:05:51,852
You're thinking about sex
with Mia, aren't you?
144
00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:54,522
You're thinking about sex
with Melissa, aren't you?
145
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:57,991
Trying to, but her mom
keeps popping in.
146
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,898
* Men. *
147
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,301
(sportscast plays on TV)
148
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,603
Okay, okay.
149
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,772
I'm just going to
come out and say it.
150
00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:15,676
Baseball was better
with steroids.
151
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,077
Mm-hmm.
152
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:18,646
I mean, this guy
153
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,181
is leading the league
with 11 home runs.
154
00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:24,685
Back in Sammy Sosa's day,
that was a slow weekend.
155
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:25,619
Mm-hmm.
156
00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,621
Call me crazy, but...
157
00:06:27,688 --> 00:06:29,189
I think people would
pay real money
158
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:33,126
to see a meat-covered
robot hit a ball 750 feet.
159
00:06:33,193 --> 00:06:35,028
Mmm...
160
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:38,331
Okay, well...
161
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:40,400
Sportscenter is over.
162
00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:44,004
Time for sex.
163
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:47,107
Charlie, please,
this report's due tomorrow.
164
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:49,743
All right.
165
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:52,880
I guess our relationship
is getting to that mature,
166
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:54,982
evolved stage they talk about.
167
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,049
Guess so.
168
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:58,018
Terrific.
169
00:06:58,085 --> 00:07:00,087
I hope I die soon.
170
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,054
What?
171
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:03,123
Love you.
172
00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:04,525
(toilet seat clanging)
173
00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:05,826
(loud splashing)
174
00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:07,260
Remember when you used
to close the door
175
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:08,428
and tried to hit the porcelain
176
00:07:08,496 --> 00:07:10,130
so I didn't have
to hear you pee?
177
00:07:10,197 --> 00:07:14,267
Yeah, way back when we used
to have sex after Sportscenter.
178
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:17,270
(phone ringing)
179
00:07:17,337 --> 00:07:21,975
(loud splashing continues)
180
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:23,511
Hello?
181
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:26,079
Uh, hang on.
182
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,682
Charlie, there's a woman
named Mia on the phone.
183
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:31,885
(thudding, urine splashing)
Ow!
184
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,521
(groans)
185
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,222
Should I take a message?
186
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:36,590
No, no, no.
187
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:39,527
(toilet flushing)
188
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,498
Hello.
189
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,299
Oh, hey, Mia.
190
00:07:46,366 --> 00:07:47,768
What a surprise.
191
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:50,538
Yeah, Alan mentioned
he ran into you.
192
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,874
Old friend.
193
00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:56,243
Yes, yes, you heard correctly.
194
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:58,546
I am engaged.
195
00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,447
Thank you.
196
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,483
Yes, that was her.
197
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,819
Oh, she's terrific.
198
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:09,923
And how are you?
199
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:13,493
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.
200
00:08:13,561 --> 00:08:16,530
Well, there's plenty
more fish in the sea.
201
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:18,265
And I'm sure you'll
get out there
202
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,134
in that old dating pond
and catch something.
203
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:26,674
You know, a-a-a fish,
not a disease.
204
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,477
Anyway, thanks for
the good wishes.
205
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,546
Bye-bye.
206
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,853
Okay, well, good night.
207
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,323
Old friend, huh?
208
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:44,592
Yeah.
209
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,293
She heard I was engaged
210
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,128
and wanted to
congratulate me.
211
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,697
Sweet kid.
212
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,399
Is this the woman
you almost married in Vegas
213
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,234
a few years ago?
214
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:57,470
Charlie?
215
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,007
I'm thinking.
216
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,709
Charlie.
217
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,712
Who told you
about that?
Your brother.
218
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:06,847
Oh, really?
219
00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:09,416
Did he tell you his
last girlfriend
220
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:10,951
caught him in bed
with her mother?
221
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:12,586
Yes, he did.
222
00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:14,922
What a dirtbag, huh?
223
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:20,527
So, were you ever going
to tell me about Mia?
224
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,830
What's the point?
225
00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:26,333
Have you told me about every guy
you've ever been with?
226
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,668
Actually, I have.
227
00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,036
My boyfriend
in high school,
228
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:31,204
two guys in college
and the man I married.
229
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:32,806
That's it-- four?
230
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:35,876
Back in your day, that
was a slow weekend, right?
231
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:41,048
It's not a competition, Chels.
232
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:44,818
So, why do you
think this Mia
233
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:46,820
is calling you
in the middle of the night?
234
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,823
Honey, it was
perfectly innocent.
235
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:51,291
She just called
236
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:53,961
to congratulate me
on our engagement.
237
00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:00,000
No, she didn't.
238
00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:01,835
She called to see
if you're happy.
239
00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,837
She wants to know
if you're still available.
240
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:06,173
Really, you think so?
241
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,111
I mean...
242
00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,179
Really, you think so?
243
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:13,914
Yes, I think so.
244
00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:16,316
The question is:
are you happy?
245
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:17,417
Are you available?
246
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:18,551
Oh, come on, Chels.
247
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,120
What kind of
question is that?
248
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:24,191
No, I'm not available, and
I'm certainly not happy.
249
00:10:26,593 --> 00:10:28,061
You know what I mean.
250
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,562
I hope so.
251
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:31,064
Yep.
252
00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:34,634
I'm a happy
and lucky man.
253
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,804
Happy, happy, happy.
254
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:39,907
Lucky, lucky, lucky.
255
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,110
And wet.
256
00:10:45,746 --> 00:10:47,647
I'm kind of wet.
257
00:10:48,849 --> 00:10:50,751
* Men. *
258
00:10:52,986 --> 00:10:54,487
What you writing?
259
00:10:54,554 --> 00:10:55,622
A screenplay.
260
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,224
Cool.
261
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:59,827
Hey, I got a great idea for
a movie if you want it.
262
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:01,929
Thanks-- I'm okay.
263
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,433
What is it?
264
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,502
Okay. So there's this
guy who's in an accident
265
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:12,072
on the highway, where he hits
like a moose or something.
266
00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:13,373
And he loses
control of his car
267
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:15,776
and crashes into a truck
full of toxic waste.
268
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,577
And when he wakes
up in the hospital,
269
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:19,713
he's part car
and part animal.
270
00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:24,051
Car-nimal.
271
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,721
Um... thanks, but I think
I'll stick with my idea.
272
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,622
Fine-- what's your idea?
273
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:30,257
You really interested?
274
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:31,524
Sure.
275
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,861
Well, it's, uh...
it's about a man,
276
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,463
uh, who's at a crossroads
in his life,
277
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:38,498
uh, coming to terms
with, uh, loss
278
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:39,566
and... and mortality.
279
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:41,168
Huh.
280
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:43,270
You know what you
could call it?
What?
281
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,138
Boring.
282
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,341
Thank you.
283
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:51,812
Rated G... A-Y.
284
00:11:54,581 --> 00:11:56,216
(doorbell rings)
285
00:11:58,651 --> 00:11:59,686
Hey, Charlie.
Hey, Herb.
286
00:11:59,753 --> 00:12:01,254
I'm here to pick up Jake.
287
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:02,790
Oh, come on in.
288
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,859
Jake, time to get the
hell out of my house!
289
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:09,629
So, how's it going?
290
00:12:09,696 --> 00:12:10,697
Oh, pretty good.
291
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:12,099
Baby's coming any day now.
292
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,700
Judith's got that
glow of motherhood.
293
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,369
Gangway, I gotta
freakin' pee again.
294
00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:25,178
Yeah, she's radiant.
295
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,014
Hey, Herb.
296
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,448
Jake's just finishing breakfast.
297
00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:30,884
Or he could be starting lunch.
298
00:12:30,951 --> 00:12:32,085
It's a fine line.
299
00:12:32,152 --> 00:12:33,753
Well, he is a growing boy.
300
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:36,556
He's a growing
pain in my ass.
301
00:12:36,623 --> 00:12:38,959
He says that with love.
302
00:12:39,026 --> 00:12:42,930
No, I say it with a dull,
throbbing pain in my ass.
303
00:12:42,996 --> 00:12:45,065
JUDITH:
Uh-oh.
304
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,534
What's the matter?
My water just broke.
305
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,402
Are you sure?!
306
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,072
(yelling)
307
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:57,277
Yes, I'm sure.
308
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,082
I ain't cleaning that up.
309
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,852
* Men.
310
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:07,988
* Men
311
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:10,090
Boy, this brings back
memories, huh?
312
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,859
Shut up.
313
00:13:11,925 --> 00:13:14,794
Slipping in Judith's
amniotic fluid.
314
00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:17,797
Guess this'll be
pretty funny someday.
315
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,267
It's pretty funny
right now, Herb.
316
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,970
Hello?
A little help here!
317
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,404
Ding! Ding! Ding!
318
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:26,840
Hold your horses, I'm...
319
00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,909
Dr. Harper?
320
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:29,943
Melissa, what are
you doing here?
321
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,344
I work here.
322
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:36,416
I had to find another job
after... You know.
323
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,787
For the last time, I did not
have sex with your mother!
324
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:43,156
Excuse me, I'm having
a baby here!
325
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:44,524
Yeah, and I think
I broke my ankle.
326
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:45,825
Quit whining, Herb!
327
00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:47,294
Her doctor's
on his way.
328
00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:48,862
The contractions are
about eight minutes apart.
329
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,597
Oh, well, let's
get you to prenatal.
330
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,933
I'll sign you in and have
an orderly take you upstairs.
331
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:54,134
No. No, No, no.
332
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,303
I'm the father.
I'll do it.
333
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:57,470
Bad idea, Herb.
334
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:59,439
I'm here, Judith.
Everything's okay.
335
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:00,307
Oh.
336
00:14:00,373 --> 00:14:02,742
JUDITH:
Oh!
Whoa!
337
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:04,878
God.
338
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,746
My arm!
339
00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:08,949
I'm coming, Judith!
340
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:12,485
Stay down, champ.
341
00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:14,955
It's not your night.
342
00:14:15,022 --> 00:14:17,590
Oh, my freaking God!
343
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:18,725
Now, you're not
breathing.
344
00:14:18,791 --> 00:14:19,759
You got to
remember to breathe.
345
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,828
Good, good, good.
346
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,830
Okay. Now, you're only
two minutes apart.
347
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,265
So we're in the
homestretch here.
348
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:26,266
Great.
349
00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:27,800
Boy...
350
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:30,337
It seems like just yesterday
we were at this same hospital
351
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:31,671
waiting for little Jake
to arrive.
352
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,941
Uh-huh.
353
00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:36,009
I guess after pushing out
his enormous head,
354
00:14:36,076 --> 00:14:38,845
this one will feel like spitting
a watermelon seed.
355
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,914
(moaning)
356
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:45,152
So anyway, I really
love my fiancée,
357
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:50,057
but I can't get this
other girl out of my mind.
358
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:53,660
I mean, she told my brother
to give me her best.
359
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,428
And let me tell ya,
her best
360
00:14:55,495 --> 00:14:59,299
could curl your hair
and make your ass whistle.
361
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,036
Is that what
you're here for?
362
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:05,372
A whistling ass?
363
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,074
No-no, no.
364
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:08,976
There's a baby
and some broken bones.
365
00:15:09,042 --> 00:15:10,978
Not important.
366
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:13,080
The thing is,
367
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:15,348
I know you can't expect
to keep the passion
368
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,617
of a new relationship
going forever,
369
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,286
but I kind of miss it.
370
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,354
Maybe it's just
that the grass
371
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,990
always looks greener,
you know?
372
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:25,258
You see this cooler?
373
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,693
Yeah.
374
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,161
It's carrying two light beers,
375
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,697
a half a ham sandwich
and my thumb.
376
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,204
So you'll excuse
me if I lack
377
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:40,407
a certain degree of interest
in your romantic dilemma.
378
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:45,545
You got beer?
379
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,681
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Now, focus on me.
380
00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:50,350
Remember your breathing.
381
00:15:50,417 --> 00:15:52,252
One, two, one,
382
00:15:52,319 --> 00:15:54,587
two, one...
Dr. Harper?
383
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:57,657
Melissa.
384
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,192
I miss you.
385
00:15:59,259 --> 00:16:01,528
Oh, I miss you, too.
386
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,263
Can we talk?
387
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,698
Of course.
388
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:06,533
Alan!
389
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:10,570
You're fine.
Just keep breathing.
390
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:13,573
Hey, Charlie!
391
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:16,909
Look at me.
392
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,312
I'm half man,
half machine.
393
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,016
Kind of like
Jake's movie idea.
394
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,618
Car-nimal!
395
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:27,987
It's okay, dude.
396
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,057
I'm going to hang here
for a while.
397
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:34,094
I love that guy!
398
00:16:35,428 --> 00:16:37,030
What the hell
did they give you?
399
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:39,299
Oh, the good stuff.
400
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,168
You could pull out
every one of my teeth,
401
00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,736
I wouldn't even notice.
402
00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:46,173
They didn't, did they?
403
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,943
You're fine.
404
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,345
Okay, then.
405
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:53,780
Guess we should get going.
406
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,848
You drive, okay?
I'm pretty buzzed.
407
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,750
What about Judith?
408
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:58,818
No, let's not bring her.
409
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,720
She's a downer.
410
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,857
No argument,
but there is the baby.
411
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:07,560
Oh, my God... the baby!
412
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:09,996
Judith needs me.
413
00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:11,298
I must go to her.
414
00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:14,501
I'm coming, Judith!
415
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,503
I'm coming!
416
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,642
Hey, Charlie,
how'd you get here so quick?
417
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,048
Oh, I tried to forget you.
418
00:17:29,116 --> 00:17:30,783
To hate you.
419
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:32,985
But I couldn't.
420
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,387
Really?
421
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:35,822
Most people don't have
that problem.
422
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:41,060
Beer and chips.
423
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:43,196
This is turning out okay.
424
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,400
Did you see where
my friend went?
425
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:51,070
He went hobbling down the hall,
mumbling about some Judith.
426
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:54,141
I better go warn
the villagers.
427
00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:57,577
Good luck to you.
428
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:01,214
Thanks.
Oh, and hey.
429
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,690
Good luck to you, too.
430
00:18:12,325 --> 00:18:15,595
(moaning, screaming)
431
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,164
Oh.... God!
432
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:19,299
Oh... oh...
433
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,100
Oh...
434
00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:23,270
Oh, there you are.
435
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,772
You seen Herb?
436
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,974
No, I haven't seen Herb!
437
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,442
Huh.
438
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:30,410
Chips?
439
00:18:30,477 --> 00:18:33,546
No, I don't want any chips!
440
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,282
Okay.
441
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:37,584
I don't think
you're supposed to have beer.
442
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:38,918
Get out of here!
443
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,987
No problem.
444
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,290
Wait! Don't leave me!
445
00:18:44,557 --> 00:18:47,460
I need someone to coach me
through my contractions.
446
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,196
All right.
447
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:55,968
(screaming)
448
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:58,438
Uh...
449
00:18:59,272 --> 00:19:01,541
Way to go.
450
00:19:03,410 --> 00:19:05,011
HERB:
Judith!
451
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,446
I'm coming!
452
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,750
See, I love Chelsea,
453
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,420
but you know, there
was a time I loved Mia.
454
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:17,657
(screaming
and panting)
455
00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:19,659
Breathe.
456
00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:23,763
All right, you're fully dilated.
457
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,932
I think it's time
to have this baby.
458
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:29,736
Okay, well...
good luck.
459
00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,671
Don't you dare leave me!
460
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,406
(Judith screaming)
461
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,742
Judith, I'm here! Oh!
462
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:39,779
Whoopsie.
463
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,748
Think I broke my nose.
464
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:45,518
Three cheers for Demerol.
465
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:47,587
Hip-hip!
466
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:49,889
Hooray!
467
00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:52,492
* Men. *
468
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,163
ALAN:
Interior-- hospital
delivery room.
469
00:19:57,230 --> 00:19:58,898
Day.
470
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:01,801
An unconventionally handsome
man looks down upon the baby
471
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:05,372
that might be his,
but which he can never claim.
472
00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:13,446
Suddenly, a flash of light
appears in the sky
473
00:20:13,513 --> 00:20:15,648
and a flaming meteor plummets
to the Earth.
474
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:19,352
See, that's me
holding the baby.
475
00:20:19,419 --> 00:20:21,321
That's me and
the doctor.
476
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:23,323
That's me, Judith
and the baby.
477
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,091
Who's that?
478
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:28,328
Oh, that's just a guy who got
his thumb sewn back on.
479
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:31,063
I can't get over
how into this baby you are.
480
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:33,232
It was amazing.
481
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,001
The miracle of birth.
482
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,870
If Judith hadn't been there,
it would've been perfect.
483
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:42,241
So you're not against maybe
having one of your own someday?
484
00:20:42,309 --> 00:20:43,543
I don't see why not.
485
00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,077
Turns out, I like babies.
486
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:48,781
And as you know, I'm a longtime
fan of intercourse.
487
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:50,216
I know.
488
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:52,051
I got to get back to work.
489
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,420
Okay, I'll see you tonight.
490
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:55,087
Love you.
Love you, too.
491
00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:56,489
Bye, Alan.
Bye.
492
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,259
How's the screenplay coming?
493
00:21:00,327 --> 00:21:01,127
Great.
494
00:21:01,193 --> 00:21:03,296
Still on page one?
495
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:04,864
Yeah, but now it really sizzles.
496
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,501
MIA:
Hi, Charlie.
497
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:12,639
Mia.
498
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:23,716
ALAN:
To be continued...
32294
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof