All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S06E20 - Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

Aren't you going to wash
your hands before you eat?

No. I wrap the toilet paper

around my fingers
like an oven mitt.

You could catch
a puck with it.

So, Mom, what brings you
to our neck of the woods?

I'm showing a house
down at the beach.

Thought I'd swing by
and see my grandson.

Tada!

Nice house?

Oh, magnificent.

And priced to move.

The owner lost everything in the
stock market, killed himself.

Oh, that's terrible.
Oh, no. He didn't do it
in the house. Thank God.

Even with an ocean view,

suicide homes are
a bitch to unload.

Keep that in mind

in case you ever want to teach
your brother a lesson.

Thanks for the tip.

Good morning, Alan.

Morning, Jake.

Satan.

Good morning, darling.

Two coffee cups?

Did you have a friend
spend the night?

Yes, I did.

Couldn't get her to stand
on the trapdoor, huh?

Charlie, I don't have time
for coffee, so...

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Uh, Chelsea,
this is my mother.

Mom, this is Chelsea.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Welcome back to the States.

Thank you.

Where have I been?

Charlie says you have
a place in Italy and...

You know, Chelsea,
sometimes when I'm drunk,

I make up stories, so...

You know, grain of salt.

That is quite
an engagement ring.

Thank you.

Does your fiancé know
about this one?

My fiancé is this one.

You want me to put this
in a travel mug?

You didn't tell your mother
we're engaged?

If she hadn't sold me the house,

she wouldn't even know
where I live.

When were you going
to tell her about me?

At the wedding?

Well, technically, I think we
have up to a year after that.

Shame on you.
I am so sorry.

It's all right, dear.
I'm used to it.

Although a phone call
would have been nice.

It's good to meet you.
Excuse me.

(door slamming)

So, yea or nay
on the travel mug?

Charlie, you just broke
your mother's heart.

(laughing)

How is that funny?

It's not.
Guys, a little respect.

What is wrong with you?

Same stuff as always,
nothing new.

Does this smell
like butt to you?

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

* Men.

* Men.

I'm glad you came over.

That was the plan, wasn't it?

Yeah, but I thought you might
still be angry with me.

I'm not angry, Charlie.

I'm just disappointed.

Gee, I'd kind of prefer it
if you were angry.

Why?

Because angry sex is hot.

Disappointed sex is...

well, we might
as well be married.

Just brush your teeth.

Brushing.

Look, I understand

you have a difficult
relationship with your mom.

Uh-huh.

But it makes things
kind of tough on me.

Hey, I don't expect you
to dislike her right away.

Give it time.
Let it happen naturally.

That's not funny.

If I'm going to marry
into your family,

I want us to act like a family,
care for each other.

With my family,
it's kind of either/or.

Let me put it this way.

I'm taking your mother
to lunch on Thursday.

(choking and coughing)

You're doing what?

I'm not going to participate

in this childish
little feud of yours.

It's not a childish feud.

Boy.

Come on, Charlie.
What's wrong with me

having a warm and healthy
relationship with your mother?

Well, for starters,
you'll be the only one.

Ever.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not being dramatic enough.

I should be wearing tights
and holding a skull.

Preferably hers.

It's just lunch.

That's what Hitler said
to Czechoslovakia.

Hitler said, "It's just lunch"?

Well, he said it in German.

Watch the History Channel.

Charlie, I'm not
doing this to hurt you.

Did you ever think that by my
spending time with your mother,

I can get a better
understanding of you?

Chelsea, trust me.

Any insight you gain
into me via my mother

will end our relationship

faster than catching me
in bed with a farm animal.

Just relax.
It'll be fine.

That's what Hitler said
to Poland.

And for the record,

as long as we've been going out,
I've never met your mother.

My mother's in Illinois.

Oh, yeah, and my mother's
in "Italy."

My mother really
lives in Illinois.

And besides, when you meet her,
you will count your blessings

you have someone
as wonderful as your mom.

Tell you what,
I'll trade you.

Sight unseen,
my mom for yours.
Charlie.

I'll even throw in Alan and
a couple of Omaha steaks.

Come here.

No, I don't want to.

I'm too upset.

Okay. Good night.

I'm sorry. I can't separate
my emotions from my body.

I understand.

I don't want to punish you.

I'm just saying,
if my heart's not in it,

then it's just my penis
going through the motions.

Well, we certainly
wouldn't want that.

Good night.

Good night.

* Men.

Chelsea?

I'm not upset anymore.

Charlie, I'm sleeping.

I know.

Can you just wake up enough
so it's not weird?

Never mind.
Sweet dreams.

* Men.

Okay, let me remind you, this is
Malibu beachfront property.

The previous owner
had a spectacular view

as he filled his pockets with
rocks and jumped into the pool.

Mom?

Hang on.

No, it's not a suicide home.

At most it's...

suicide adjacent.

All right, get back to me.

What are you doing here?

What, I can't come visit
my mother at work?

Well, I suppose you could,

but I've been here for 22 years
and you never have.

Well, maybe
if you validated parking.

Or any part of my life.

What do you want, Charlie?

Okay, first of all,
I want to apologize

for not telling you about
Chelsea and the engagement.

I know that was wrong
and selfish of me.

Thank you.

Good, I'm glad
we got that out of the way.

So, I understand you guys
are having lunch tomorrow.

Yes, we are.
Is that a problem?

No, no, no, it's great.

I came all the way down here
and paid for my own parking

to tell you it's great.

Uh-huh.

All right, let's put our cards
on the table.

What's your angle?

Angle?

I have no angle.

Yeah, and I have no hangover.

Look, Charlie, if you're really
going to marry this woman,

I want to get started
on the right foot with her.

I don't want to make
the same mistake I made

with Alan's wife June.

Judith.

Oh, whatever.

Heinous woman.

The fact remains,
had I overlooked that

and welcomed her
into the family,

she wouldn't have kept me
at arm's length

all during
Jake's formative years

and I'd have a better
relationship with him today.

Do you want a better
relationship with him?

Not the way he is now.

But if I'd gotten
to him earlier,

he wouldn't have the manners
of an outhouse rat.

So, bottom line: you want
a good relationship with Chelsea

so you can get your hooks
into the next generation?

Can't I just want to be
a loving mother and grandmother?

Well, I suppose you could,

but I've been here 40 years
and you never have.

(phone rings)

Evelyn Harper.

Oh, hello, Dr. Yakimora.
What's up?

Oh...

That is good news.
What's the address?

Nice neighborhood.
Thanks for the tip.

(hanging phone up)

What's the good news?

Massive coronary in Brentwood.

Six bedrooms, four baths,
and a fully equipped gym

that that idiot
shouldn't have been using.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

Mommy has to fly faster
than the other vultures.

* Men.

You mother took me to the most
adorable little restaurant.

No kidding.

It's called
Mon Grenier du Vivre.

You know what that means?

Probably "The Spider's Web."

Charlie...

"The Devil's Barbecue"?

Be nice.

Sorry.

"Bitch in the Box"?

So what did you guys talk about?

You know, everything.

She's so smart and funny.

She's been through so much.

She's a real survivor.

Just remember, in order
for her to be a survivor,

others had to die.

Okay, that's enough.

Your mom's a terrific lady.

And I'm starting to think

that any problem
you have with her

is your problem, not hers.

Oh, damn, it's too late.

You're infected
with the virus.

Stop it.

I'm sorry, but when you
fall asleep tonight,

I'm gonna have
to set you on fire.

Shut up.

Believe me, Charlie,
when you meet my mom,

you'll thank God for Evelyn.

What the hell
is your mom,

a rabid werewolf that craps
hot lava on people?

Never mind about my mother.
Let's play.

I don't know.

What's the matter?

All this talk about mothers,
I'm not in the mood.

I bet I could get you
in the mood.

Maybe, but it'd be
a cheap manipulation.

All right, but don't come
rubbing up against me

in the middle of the night.

I won't.

Fine. Good night.

Good night.

* Men.

Don't even think about it.

* Men.

* Men.

Listen, you gotta do me a favor.

That's what I live for.

Sarcasm is for winners, Alan.

What can I do for you?

Chelsea's somehow gotten it
into her head

that Mom is, you know, human,

and you need to set her
straight.

Why don't you set her straight?

I tried, but she
doesn't believe me.

Probably because
I turned out okay.

She needs to hear about Mom
from somebody whose life

is completely wrecked
and unsalvageable, i.e., you.

Thanks.

And what do you expect me
to say?

I don't know.

Just tell her about
your phobias, your obsessions,

your failures with work,
marriage, and parenthood.

She'll connect the dots.

You know what?
I think I'll pass.

Oh, come on.

I always back you up
when you need me.

When have you ever backed me up?

Okay, let's just stay focused
on my problems.

Listen, Charlie,
I'm not gonna argue

that we didn't have
a difficult childhood,

but really, who had a good one?

And isn't it time
we forgive and forget?

Where's this coming from?

No, I'm just saying that maybe
our lives would be richer

if we let go of this pointless
resentment toward our mother

and, and just moved on
with our lives.

She got to you, didn't she?

What are you talking about?

What did she do?
Pay off your car?

Get that dead black tooth fixed?

Oh, listen to yourself.

Hold it.

What?

Your watch.

What about it?

It doesn't have Hamburglars
on the wristband.

So?

Let me see it.

No, it's mine.

Let me see it!
Let me see it!

This is a Rolex.

You sold me out for a watch.

Hey, I did not sell you out
for a watch!

I sold you out for a certified
Swiss chronometer.

Stainless steel Submariner,
waterproof up to 300 meters.

And look, it winds itself.

Put it on your right arm,
it'll run forever.

Oh, good thinking.

Oh, hey, look what else I got.

Genuine porcelain veneer.

From an English-speaking
dentist.

(mocking):
From an English-speaking
dentist. (sighs)

Hey, Jake, I need a favor.

Sorry, I can't
say bad things
about Grandma.

Okay, what did she buy you?

A new guitar? Minibike?

Pizza.

You sold me out for a pizza?

Not just a pizza.
A meat-lover's pizza.

* Men.

* "M" is for the misery
she caused me *

* "O" is for the other things
she did *

* "T" is for the traitor
who's my brother *

* "H" is for the...
hump who is his kid *

No, it's true.

They can bleach
anything these days.

Really?

It's gotta burn like hell.

Oh, like a lit cigar.

But it's worth it.

Curb appeal isn't just
for the front door.

* "E" is for extremely
frightening girl talk. *

Hey, honey.

How was shopping?
Mom, pick up any new souls?

Charlie, that's uncalled for.

It's okay, Chelsea.

He can't help himself.

Yes, he can.

There's no excuse for speaking
to your mother that way.

You don't know that.

Evelyn, thank you
for a wonderful day.

The pleasure was mine.

It's nice to be appreciated
for a change.

Are we on for yoga tomorrow?

Can't wait.

Oh, and of course,
you and Charlie are coming

for dinner on Saturday.

We wouldn't miss it.

Um, uh, actually...

Chels, we have plans
on Saturday, remember?

What plans?

Oh, for God's sake,

can't you just play along?

We'll be there.

Wonderful. Ta-ta.

Are you proud of yourself?

Not really.
I lost that one.

* "R" is for the rifle
in my mouth *

* Put them all together,
they spell "mother" *

* A word that's only half
of how I feel. *

* Men.

(bad French accent):
Hello, I am Alan Cousteau.

I left the Calypso at...

0500 hours,

and have descended
to a depth of 60 fathoms.

And yet my Rolex
is keeping perfect time.

Oh, look,
there goes a giant squid.

Alan?

Yes?

What are you doing?

Um...

I got no good answer.

It's Saturday night,
and I'm all alone.

Do you know
where Charlie is?

We're supposed to be
at your mother's at 7:00.

(French accent):
Oh, you are cutting it close.

Have you seen him?

Uh, not for a couple of hours.
Have you tried his cell?

I did. There's no answer.
I'm getting worried.

(door opens)

Chelsea, I'm home.

Thank goodness.

(French accent):
I return to the deep.

Where have you been?

Picking up a little surprise
for you.

Come on in.

Mom?

Hello, sweetie. Oh!

Ooh, feels like you gave up
on the Jenny Craig, huh?

What are you doing here?

I flew her in
from Illinois.

First class.
Very swanky.

Of course, I had
some rich Jew lawyer

chewing my ear off
the whole way.

Tell her about the food.

Oh, the food was terrific,

but the flight attendant
was a colored homo.

I'm glad they make 'em pick up
the dinner rolls with tongs

'cause I can't risk the AIDS.

I hope you didn't fill up.

We're going
to my mom's for dinner.

Oh, how nice.

Now be honest with me, Charlie.

You're so dark and handsome,

you gotta have some dago
in ya, right?

God, I love your mom.

* Men.

That was the worst dinner
of my life.

Really?

I thought the two moms
hit it off.

Kinda country mouse, city mouse.

I especially liked
the part

when country mouse
kicked off her shoes,

put her big yellow bunions
on city mouse's
mahogany coffee table

and asked her how she liked
having a commie A-rab
for a president.

You've made your point, Charlie.

Point?
Whatever do you mean?

You leave my mother alone,
and I'll leave yours alone.

Well, gosh, I don't know.

I've really taken
a shine to your mom.

She promised to teach me

how to chew tobacco
and burn a cross.

Do we have a deal or not?

Deal. Come here.

I'm not in the mood.

All right, but don't be
rubbing up against me

in the middle
of the night.

Don't worry. I won't.

Good night.

Good night.

All right, I was bluffing.

Feel free to rub.

Rub yourself.

Chels?

What?

Can you watch me
so it's not weird?