All language subtitles for Damn Yankees 1958_eng srt [English] (SUBRIP)

[instrumental music]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering on TV]

- You're out.
- Out?

You're nuts. He's nuts.

Back home in Hannibal, we had
heat over a 100, lots of times.

Okay. So, Halbrick,
don't try to murder it.

Just slip one through
the infield.

- Slide.
Man 1: You're out.

Is Washington winning, dear?

No. Those Damn Yankees.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Come on, Smokey.
I can count on you.

Casper Niles tried
to fry an egg

on the sidewalk in front
of his drug store once.

Good ol' Smokey. He got a hit.

In Hannibal,
they were always saying,

"Cool air was on its way
from Canada."

I certainly don't see any sign
of it here. Do you?

- Do you?
- Do I what?

See any sign of cool air?

What? What you're blind.
Ump, you're blind.

See any sign of what, dear?

[chuckles] Oh, never mind.

It wasn't important.

J' When we met in 1938 J'

J' lt was November J'

J' When I said that
lwould be his mate J'

J' lt was December J'

J' I reasoned he would be
the greatest husband J'

J' That a girl had ever found J'

J' That's what I reasoned
that's what I reasoned J'

J' Then April rolled around J'

J' Strike three ball four J'

J' Walk the run will
tie the score J'

J' You're blind ump
you're blind ump J'

J' You must be out
of your mind ump J'

J' Six months out of every year J'

J' I might as well be
made of stone J'

J' Six months out of every year J'

J' When I'm with him J'

J' I'm alone J'

J' Six months out of every year J'

J' When I cook for them
it never pays J'

J' Aahh J'

J' Instead of
praising my Goulash J'

J' They're just praising
the plays of Willie Mays J'

J' He's out he's safe
he's out he's safe he's.. J'

J' Six months out of every year J'

J' I might as well
be wearing crepe J'

J' Life is just an awful bore J'

J' From which I find J'
J' He's out he's safe J'

J' He's out he's safe he's out J'
J' No escape J'

J' You're blind ump you must be
out of your mind ump J'

J' April May June July
August and September J'

J' April May June July
August and September J'

J' Six months out of every year J'

J' You're blind ump
you're blind ump J'

J' You must be
out of your mind ump N

[vocalization]

Don't try to murder it.

Just slip one
through the infield.

Oh! The ball's in the dirt,
and he swings.

If we had one long ball hitter.
Just one!

Honestly, Joe,
you're gonna get yourself

a heart attack
if you keep this up.

- Or at least ulcers.
- Wham!

Oh, Joe! Nah!

My friend's sister and Doris,
they like baseball.

But they don't suffer so.

Well, I'm going to bed.

I've got the bridge club
tomorrow.

- Goodnight.
- Yeah. Sure.

I mean, goodnight.

Uh, uh...
Goodnight, old girl.

Wham! One long ball hitter.
That's what we need.

I'd sell my soul
for one long ball hitter.

[dramatic music]

- Good evening.
- Who are you?

- A man who agrees with you.
- Agrees?

One long ball hitter.
That's what the team needs.

You're right about that.
You live around here?

My name is Applegate.

And I think we have
something in common.

A love of the national game.

Oh, you bet. You bet.

Care to sit down?

Thank you.

You don't like to see
the Senators in seventh place?

[chuckling] Well, they may
pull together yet.

I'm here to make you
a proposition.

Not only would you like to see
Washington win a pennant,

but your secret yearning
all your life

has been to be
a baseball player yourself.

I wasn't so bad in high school.

Not so bad?

[chuckling] They were scouting
you for Kansas City.

You still got your spiked shoes
and your glove.

They're up in your bedroom.

Who told you?

Would you like to be
the greatest

baseball player in all history?

Uallghs] Big joke.

No joke.

You can be a great ball player.

I can't even bend over
and touch my toes.

Try it. Just for laughs.

What do ya know?

[laughs]

With my help,
a lot of things come easy.

Oh, uh...
Do you smoke?

Hey. How'd you pull that off?

I'm handy with fire.

Who are you?

Iam quite a famous character,
Mr. Boyd.

I have historical
significance, too.

Woman 1: 'Cause I said so.

Well, alright.
If Meg's awake, alright.

Listen, mister,
I don't know what the gag is,

but l-- I mean,
what's the idea? I--

For heavens sake. Joe.

My goodness,
talkin' to yourself.

So you finally flapped your lid.

What are you doing out here

talking to yourself,
in the dark?

Talking to who?

[chuckling] That's a sign
of old age, you know, Joe.

Talking to yourself.

Is anything the matter?

No, l-- I was just thinking
about the game.

Oh, we went to the game
yesterday.

It was ladies day.

And I must say, the hot dogs
out at the park

aren't what they used to be.

I had the poorest hot dog
yesterday, I ever had.

Is Meg still up?

She went to bed, a while ago.

Well, we'll see her
at bridge club tomorrow.

We just came from
our ballet lesson.

[horn blaring]

They couldn't see you.

No, they couldn't.

An amusing little stunt.

It was all the rage
in the middle ages.

I think the heats got me. You...

You mean, you really are...

Can't believe it, huh?

But, but that's crazy.

It can't be.

The world is full of
crazy things.

- Crazier every day.
- Oh, gosh.

[stammers]
What are you doing here?

Great events spring forth
great men, Joe.

They arise from nowhere.

They take command.

That's history.

What are you talking about?

I have chosen you...

the most dedicated partisan of
the noble Washington Senators,

to be the hero, who leads them

out of the wilderness
to the championship.

The Senators are
in seventh place.

Your powerful bludgeon
and sparkling play

will inspire the team
to greatness.

We'll call you Hardy.

Joe Hardy.

You'll be 22 years old.

They'll put a new wing
on that baseball museum

at Cooperstown dedicated to you.

"The Hardy shrine."

What do you want me to do?

Just leave everything to me.

- But my job, my wife.
- This is a big operation.

You can't let things like that
stand in the way.

Ijust disappear, is that it?

Very simple.

What happens after I stop

being a baseball player?

Then where would I be?

[laughing] Well, now, of course
that's fairly well known.

- Yes, but I have--
- After all...

There's nothing
unusual about it.

How do you suppose
some of these politicians

around town got started?

And parking lot owners?

- But still what they say--
- Look.

I've got something
to trade here.

I'm offering you a chance to be

what you've wanted to be
all your life.

In my business, we have what you
call an escape clause.

This is not a real estate deal.

If I don't like it, I ought
to be able to get out.

- Get out?
- I've got my wife to consider.

Alright, alright. I don't wanna
hear anymore about your wife.

Wives, they cause me
more trouble

than the Methodist Church.

I'm trying to be understanding,
but all this haggling--

- No. I won't do it.
- Alright.

I'll give you a chance
to get out.

Oh, sure. In that case...

On the 24th of September
at midnight.

I wouldn't do it,
but I don't want to have

those damn Yankees win.

- You can say that again.
- It's a deal.

- It is?
- Now the other hand.

- That's all?
- Sure.

What do you expect to do,
sign your name

in blood or some
phony stunt like that?

Come on. The team needs you.
Let's not waste any more time.

Ijust got to leave a note.
Sure. Right away.

I'll get a taxi.

[evil laughter]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

[music continues]

J' Goodbye old girl J'

J' My old girl J'

J' When you awaken
I'll be gone J'

J' Can't tell you
where I go J'

J' It isn't fair I know J'

J' But trust in me and carry on J'

J' Goodbye old friend J'

J' My old friend J'

J' There's something
I must let you know J'

J' I haven't said it much J'

J' I guess I've lost my touch J'

J' But my old girl
I love you so J'

J' Now I know
it hasn't all been roses J'

J' We've had squabblin' days
when tears were brought about J'

J' But in a moment or two
we would bill and coo J'

J' And never even knew
what we fought about J'

J' And now your Joe J'

J' Has to goJ'

J' But he'll come back
to you again J'

J' So sleep your sleep old girl J'

J' Our love will keep old girl J'

J' Till then IJ'

[mellow music]

Turn around.

[instrumental music]

Applegate: Come on.
Cab's waiting.

Hey!

Did you...

I can't believe it!
Wham!

J' And though your Joe J'

J' Has to goJ'

Shh!

J' He may come back
to you again J'

J' So sleep your sleep old girl J'

J' Our love will keep old girl J'

J' Till then J"

J' Goodbye old girl J'

J' My old girl J'

J' Goodbye IJ'

- Come on.
- Who me?

I'm always waitin' on you.

Not me. You're thinking of
a couple of other guys.

It's a mighty fine policy.

Do ya have to sell insurance
in the summer too?

I don't have to, but when I
see a guy like you

that ain't covered,
I get worried.

I've been uncovered
a long time. I don't worry.

Everybody ought to have
an insurance program.

Next year maybe.

How's the crossword comin',
Smokey?

Very difficult.

So Ferguson gave me
the signal to steal.

It was a pitch out.

And when I got to second,

everybody's waitin' for me
except Ford Frick.

Hey,Lyndy.

What's a three letter word
for "A sticky substance?"

Spit? No, that's four.

- Gum.
- Gum!

Pay attention to what I'm
tellin' you, will you?

Look. What sign's this?

- Hit and run, sure.
- Right.

Now you're still at bat.

I take. Okay.
Now the count is two and one.

- I don't do nothin'.
- How can you not do nothin'?

If I wipe the take sign,
watch what follows.

- You go for it.
- Sure.

Why couldn't you remember that
last night?

You could have cost us
a big inning.

It's not that I'm dumb, Benny.

Oh. Nobody said anything
about your being dumb...

exactly.

It's just that when we play
the Yankees,

I kinda tense up.

You know, I kinda lose
my head.

I figure what the heck's
the use.

Will you listen to this guy?

Benny? Benny, there is somethin'
different about 'em.

What do you mean?

Well, we don't make them
same goofus

when we're playin' Kansas City?

That's what I'm talking about.

Boys, I know you're not yellow.

Smokey, you're crashin'
the fences

till you drive me crazy.

Rocky, you played three games
with a broken hand.

It's just that
your mental state

is off in left field
someplace.

Now listen to me.

This game of baseball is only
one half skill.

The other half
is something else.

Something bigger.

J' You gotta have heart J'

J' All you really need
is heart J'

J' When the odds are saying
you'll never win J'

J' That's when the grin
should start J'

J' You gotta have hope J'

J' Mustn't sit around and mope J'

J' Nothings half as bad
as it may appear J'

J' Wait till next year and hope J'

J' When your luck
is battin' zero J'

J' Get your chin up
off the floor J'

J' Mister you can be a hero J'

J' You can open any door J'

J' There's nothin' to it
but to do it J'

J' You gotta have heart J'

J' Miles and miles and miles
of heart J'

J' Oh it's fine to be
a genius of course J'

J' But keep that old horse
before the cart J'

J' First you gotta have heart J'

J' A great slugger
we haven't got J'

J' A great pitcher
we haven't got J'

J' A great ball club
we haven't got J'

J' What do we got? J'

J' We've got heart J'

J' All you really need is heart J'

J' When the odds
are saying you'll never win J'

J' That's when the grin
should start J'

J' Now you're gettin' the idea J'

J' We've got hope J'

J' We don't sit around and mope J'

J' Not a solitary sob
do we heave J'

J' Mister 'cause we've got hope J'

Boys, I'm proud of ya.

J' We're so happy
that we're hummin' J'

IMmhmhmJ'

J' That's the hearty thing
to do J'

IHohohoJ'

J' 'Cause we know
our ship will come in J'

J'HmhmhmJ'

J' So it's ten years overdue J'

IHohohoJ'

J' We've got heart J'

J' Miles and miles and miles
of heart J'

J' Oh it's fine
to be a genius of course J'

J' But keep that old horse
before the cart J'

J' So what the heck's
the use of crying? J'

J' Why should we curse? J'

J' We got to get better
'cause we can't get worse J'

J' And to add to it J'

J' We've got heart J'

J' We've got heart
we've got heart J'

Okay, Smokey, baby.
Let's go get 'em.

- Right.
- Now, boys!

Don't forget what I told you.

You bet ya, Benny.

Come on, Rocky.
You tell him.

J' We've got heart J'

J' Miles and miles
and miles of heart J'

J' Oh it's fine to be
a genius of course J'

J' But keep that old horse
before the cart J'

J' Who minds them pop bottles
flying J'

J' The hisses and boos J'

J' The team has been consistent J'

J' Yeah we always lose J'

J' But we're laughing 'cause J'

J' We've got heart J'

J' We've got heart J'

J' We've got heart J'

Come on, Smokey,
we'll get 'em.

Uaughter]

J' We've got heart IJ'

That's my boys.
Now tear 'em apart.

Hello, Benny.

I've often wondered what this
team did to keep up its morale.

We didn't invite the press
this morning, Gloria.

Ah, Benny,
you're very foolish to have

this prejudice against me
just because I'm a woman.

My paper gives you as much space
as the others do.

I only wondered why you
got here so early.

I came down
to see the naked men.

Could be.

What will I say?

Don't worry about a thing, Joe.

L'll be right with you.

But-- but if you just explain
how it all works.

Suppose when you were young,
you'd had this chance.

- How would you feel?
- Oh, boy.

Ah, don't "Oh, boy" me.
You've got it.

For free, practically.

Just act the way you would
if it was 25 years ago.

Enjoy it, Joe.
ldo.

Benny, my boss is very anxious
to find out

what some of your players think
of the Yankees.

I'll tell you something
right now.

My boys won't play dead for
the Yanks or any other club.

Are you Mr. Van Buren,
the Washington manager?

Why make something
out of the Yankees?

They're a swell bunch of fellas
and we--

Oh, yes, they're very polite.

And then they beat
your brains out.

Ah, the Yanks are just
another ball club

as far as we're concerned.

I read somewhere
they're talking about

handicapping the Yankees.

Making them carry extra weight,
like race horses.

Yeah? So what's on your mind,
Mac?

Applegate is my name, uh...
My card, sir.

- I'm busy. See my secretary.
- Oh, Mr. Van Buren, um...

lam a long time fan of the
Washington Senators--

Listen, Mac,
I told you I'm busy.

And, um, for some time now,
I have been

beating the bushes
for talent.

And, uh, this is my protege.
Young Joe Hardy.

Joe's quite a boy with a bat
in his hands,

and I'd like you
to give him a trial.

Where you been playin', son?

- Oh, um... Here and there.
- Where's here and there?

[stammers] Well, if you
just give me a chance

Mr. Van Buren, just let me
hit a few.

What have you got to lose?

Smokey.

He can hit the ball
a country mile.

- You want me, Benny?
- Yeah.

Take this boy down
to the batting cage.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Van Buren.
And I certainly--

Tell Buster to throw him a few.

Sure thing. Let's go, Mac.

Just a minute.
Where do you think you're going?

Well, my protege
may need my advice.

Buster will give him
all the advice he needs.

If you want to watch,
go out in the stands.

The field is for ball players.

You don't mind, do you?

Love it, Mac. Just love it.

Are you coming,
my attractive friend?

Well, I'll look.
But nothing will happen.

You wanna bet?

Hey I can't...
I can't get these on.

Here, buddy. Try these.

Gee, thanks.

What's the idea, that your boy
can't get his shoes on?

Ah! Ha ha ha.
It's my fault. Uh...

An oversight.
The boys grow bigger these days.

What are you talking about?

Have you got a good seat?

Of course not. You can't trust
any newspaper woman.

But what am I gonna do?

Not bad.

[Qrunts]

[bat cracking]

[bat cracking]

Ijust can't believe the kid
is as good as all that.

How could he be?

Where would he have been
keeping himself?

- Henry.
- Yes, Benny.

Go out there and tell Buster
to throw hard.

He is throwing hard.
Can't you hear him grunt?

Well, go out there
and tell him to bear it down.

Sure, Benny.

Battin' practice is one thing.

But how does he do in a game,
huh?

He's got a nice swing.

Man 2: He's gone.
- Over the fence.

Just luck.
This is costin' the club money.

Hey, kid.

Benny: Yeah, you. Come here.

What did you say your name was?
Joe,uh~

Yes sir, Joe. Joe Hardy.

Well, you hit the ball
pretty good.

- Thanks.
- How's your fielding?

- Uh, I don't know.
- You don't know?

Well, l-- I mean... I meant my
manager was supposed--

You want me, Joe?

Well, yeah Mr. Applegate.

They, uh, they want me
to field some.

Well, go ahead, boy.

You can do anything,
you know that.

How do you like my boy,
Mr. Van Buren?

- Not bad.
- Not bad?

Did he kiss that horsehide
right out of the park?

Did he get the fat end
of the bat on that pill?

Bye bye, baby. How about that?

Hey. Who's up there?
Mel Allen?

Hey! He's got an arm.

Got an arm? He's got an arm
like a cannon.

What's the story on this kid?

You saw the way he was hittin'
em, didn't you?

Over the garden wall.

Atta boy, Joe.
Rifle it home, boy.

- Rifle it home.
- Where's he come from?

His name is Joe Hardy.

Who's he been playing for?

He weighs a 193 pounds
and he chews juicy fruit.

You're a big help.

Never played on anything,
but sand lot ball, huh?

- Whereabouts?
- Uh...

- Out west.
- Yeah.

The, uh, the Midwest.
Uh... Hannibal.

- Hannibal, Missouri.
- ls that your home town?

Uh, yeah, that's it.

Boy, it, uh, it sure
gets hot there sometimes.

We just sit around and wait
for that cold air

to come down from Canada.

- Well, you do pretty good.
- Gee, thanks.

I think we might
give you a contract.

Send you out to one of our farm
clubs. for a little seasoning.

Seasoning? That's ridiculous.

- How about it, kid?
- Uh, no, no.

- I don't think so.
- What do you mean?

Well, uh, I um...
I haven't got time.

- Time?
- Baseball's in a rut.

If Babe Ruth came here
looking for a chance,

you would send him
to Little Rock for three years.

Alright, Joe. Come on. We'll go
where we'll be appreciated.

Gee, Mr. Van Buren. Give me
one more chance, will you?

- I love the Senators.
- So do I.

And there's only
a few of us left.

Get your bat.

Buster.

[grunting]

[bat cracks]

More seasoning, huh?

The ball is only going
for a 6oo foot ride.

[gummy]

That's the longest ball
lever saw in my life.

I swallowed my chewing tobacco.

Ijust can't believe it.

Where would he have been
all these years?

Okay, you win,
get a uniform.

- You mean it?
- I mean it.

Well, I made it.
Oh, man, oh, man.

Hey, Mr. Applegate,
how could I ever thank you.

I'll find some way.

Male announcer:
Your attention please.

Now coming into bat for Sohovic

number two, Joe Hardy.

There he comes now,
that's the kid

I wrote the story about.

Man 1: Strike!

Right down the middle.

Why don't you look at it,
you bum?

What a ball club!
Where did they pick him up?

Fihud$]

WQW!

[crowd cheering]

What a belt!

Clean over the fence.

I told you that guy looked good

when he first come up to bat.

[laughing]

[crowd cheering]

It's just too good to be true,
Mr. Welch.

In practice, he was terrific.

Well, I said to myself,

he'll choke up
when he gets in the game.

[scoffs] He bounced two
out of the ballpark.

Well, let's do anything
we can to make him happy.

Let's get a lot of publicity.

- No, no, no, not yet.
- Huh?

He seems to be afraid
of reporters.

- Afraid?
- Yeah.

I showed him that cute story

Gloria Thorpe did yesterday
about his shoes

and I swear he turned pale.

She's down there now trying
to get a follow up on it.

- But Joe's ducking her.
- Oh?

He's a strange boy, Mr. Welch.

Very strange.

[machine whirring]

What's Joe trying to do anyway?

- Avoid me?
- Oh, no, Miss Thorpe.

- He wouldn't do that.
- Well...

Didn't he like that stuff
I wrote yesterday?

You guys would go for that,
wouldn't you?

- Any time, lady.
- Now tell me.

What's he like really?

- He takes it serious.
- Oh, Dedicated Dan, huh?

- Huh?
- Wait a minute. I got it.

Shoeless Joe Hardy.

Is that what you're
gonna call him?

It's what everybody's
gonna call him.

Shoeless Joe, huh?
That's pretty good.

I'll help you celebrate, boys.

- Oh, what's the gag?
- Let's make Joe famous.

- Sure, I'm willing.
- Okay.

How do we make him famous?

[whistling]

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

[whistling]

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

A little hoedown in honor
of our new star.

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

What'd you say his name was?

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

She's gonna call him
Shoeless Joe!

Gee, Miss Thorpe, you sure
get some wonderful ideas.

Oh, I got lots of ideas.

J' Who came along
in a puff of smoke? J'

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

J' Strong as the heart
of a mighty Oak J'

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

J' Lucky are we
to be having him J'

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

J' Just when the future
was lookin' grim J'

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

J' Came a long long way
to be with us today J'

J' With arms
of steel like Hercules J'

J' Yeow J'

J' Feet as fleet as Mercury's J'

[cheering]

J' He'll fight for us
do right for us J'

J' He'll be a beacon light
for us J'

J' He's Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

IGogog0909°9°T

J' Go like a bat out-a
you know where J'

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

J' Strike at the foe
let 'em know you're there J'

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

Yeah!

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

J' Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

J' Came upon the scene J'

J' As fresh as Listerine J'

J' He sneezed
and blew away a calf J'

J' His laughter ripped
the barn in half J'

IGo go go go JoeJ'

J' Like sevens
come elevens come J'

J' Like manna
from the heavens come J'

J' It's Shoeless Joe
from Hannibal Mo J'

TGO g0 g0 9Q
9° 90 go goJ'

J' Go like a bat
out-a you know where J'

J' Shoeless Joe
from M.O. J'

J' Strike at the foe
let 'em know you're there J'

J' Shoeless Joe from M.O. J'

J' Look out look out look out
look out for Shoeless Joe J'

J' The barefoot boy
from Hannibal Mo J'

J' Joe Joe Joe Joe
Joe Joe Joe Joe J'

[instrumental music]

All: Hey!

[instrumental music]

[groaning]

[music continues]

[intense music]

All: Wow!

[instrumental music]

J' Look out look out look out
look out for Shoeless Joe J'

J' From Hannibal Mo J'

J' Joe Joe Joe Joe
Joe Joe Joe Joe J'

J' Joe Joe Joe Joe
Joe Joe Joe Joe J'

J' Joe Joe Joe N'

[cheering]

[crowd clamoring]

[crowd cheering]

[instrumental music]

[crowd cheering]

[instrumental music]

[bat strikes]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd cheering]

[music continues]

[thudding]

WhY not?

You can't just sit around
and mope,

it's not good for your liver.

I'm not moping.
I'm just thinking.

Megsie, you've gotta live.

Iam living.

- Like we do.
- I'll tell you what.

You come with Doris and me.

We're going down to the station
this afternoon

and watch Gregory Peck
come in on the train.

No, I don't think so.

Well, tomorrow there's
a ball game.

No, thanks.

Listen, Meg,
you might as well face it.

Joe is never coming back.

Oh, I think he is.

Honey, don't you know?

- He's left you flat.
- No, he hasn't.

I'm sure he hasn't.

He'll come back.

Woohooo!

He's going on with that chick
in the drugstore.

Mr. Van Buren won't like it.

Hey, want to join up with me,
slugger?

- She's got a friend.
- Oh, I guess not, Rocky.

- Thanks, anyhow.
- Some other time.

Keep away from me, man.
You're a bad influence.

- Something the matter, kid?
- What?

Oh, no, no, not a thing.

Seems like, uh, you ain't kinda
feeling so good lately.

Iwas just thinking.

You married?

- Say, uh, how did you know?
- Had a fight with her, huh?

Oh, no, no, nothing like that.
Not exactly.

It ain't good for your game,
Joe, to get so, so glum.

Go see her,
cheer yourself up.

- Uh, he wouldn't like it.
- Huh?

- Who wouldn't?
- Forget it.

Well, don't let her get you
in no dark corner.

[towel strikes]

By gosh,
you gave me an idea.

You know, I think I will.

Will what, Joe?

I'll go see her.

[indistinct chatter]

Well, we'll go ahead
with the lunch

while you finish up in here.

Come on, Doris.

You're the sandwich expert.

You're telling me.

[instrumental music]

J' There's something about J'

J' An empty chair J'

J' That makes me feel afraid J'

J' When he is not sitting there J'

J' And since he's gone away J'

J' The house seems much
too bear J'

J' Empty am I J'

J' With my empty chair J'

J' Full of longing for hope.. J'

[cart clanging]

[baseball bat thudding]

- I wanna be Joe Hardy.
- I wanna be Joe Hardy.

No, I wanna be Joe Hardy.

[thudding]

J' To think of
where we left off J'

J' There's something about J'

J' An empty bed J'

J' It's lonely with his covers
smooth from foot to head J'

J' No Joe to hug J'

J' My pillow
has to do instead J'

J' Empty am I J'

J' With my empty life J'

J' For without a husband J'

J' What is J'

J' A wife IJ'

Come.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you
were the deliveries.

Oh, I came about...

Well, that is someone
said you had a room

you might be willing to rent.

Me rent a room?

Well, that's what they said,
some fella down at the corner.

I'm looking
for a nice quiet place.

Well, my goodness, I never even
thought of renting a room.

Well, I wouldn't be any trouble,
I can promise you that.

Well, I'm sure
you wouldn't, but...

- You see, Mister, Mister...
- Uh, Hardy.

Uh, Joe Hardy.

My husband's name is Joe.

Oh, is that so?

That's quite a coincidence.

He's away.

- Well, that's too bad.
- Yes, it's...

- For long?
- No, not too long.

I hope,
he had to go on a trip and...

Maybe that's why
this fella thought

you might have an extra room.

Doris: Meg?
- Oh, dear, excuse me.

We're cooking for the bridge
club, a friend of mine,

her sister from my hometown.

Just make yourself at home.

[instrumental music]

I think it'd be a good idea,
that's what I think.

Well, we ought to meet
him first.

Oh, he's a good boy.
You could just tell that.

Come on,
you can introduce us.

Well, wait till
I fix my hair, dumbbell.

Oh, yeah.

[music continues]

Oh, I'm sorry
to have taken so long.

My friends think it'll be good
for me to take in a boarder.

Well, I'd certainly
appreciate it.

Well, they're coming right in
to meet you.

Okay.

Now, um, I have a room

that was my husband's den

that we use as a guest room,
has a nice studio couch.

- Would you like to see it?
- I know it'll be alright.

And, uh, another thing,
I'd have to ask you not to use

the downstairs
when I have bridge club.

- That's every three days.
- Well, that wouldn't bother me.

L-- I go away quite
a bit anyhow.

I'd be out of town for like two
or three weeks at a time.

Oh. Oh, here they are.

I want you to meet my friends.

Um, Sister Miller.

- Hello, there.
- Doris Miller.

- How do you do?
- And this is Mr. Harper.

Isn't it a gorgeous day?

[gasps]
oh!

Oh! Oh, my goodness.

- This is Joe Hardy.
Doris: What?

You're Joe Hardy, aren't you?

Yeah, I guess I am.

[gasps]
It's Joe Hardy, Meg.

He's not Mr. Harper,
it's Joe Hardy.

Why, he's the greatest
basebafln.

[gasps]
Oh, my goodness.

I'm flabbergasted.

Oh, Gee, Joe...

- May I have your autograph?
- Sure.

You don't know
what's happened to you, Meg.

He's a hero.

[birds chirping]

Yes, good morning.

I'm from City Hall.

- Where?
- City Hall.

Just serving official notice
in the neighborhood.

- What kind of notice?
- A new zoning law.

No one is permitted to take
roomers in this neighborhood.

But they do, people do.

- Effective as of today.
- What's this?

- This man said I...
- It's alright, Meg.

I mean, Mrs. Boyd,
l-- I know this man.

Just-- just let me talk to him,
I'll be right in.

Really, Mr. Applegate, this is
carrying things too far.

Well, do you think I like it,
wasting my time?

Not to mention the money
spent on costumes.

Don't you just know what I'm
doing without all that effort?

No, Joe, I have to do most
things the hard way.

The only thing that comes really
easy is the cigarette trick.

And now I'm trying to break
myself of the filthy habit.

[coughing]

Is it anything so terrible
just want to come home?

It's gauche.

You know how I feel
about home and wives?

Well, you don't own me yet,
not till the 24th.

Look, Joe. I'm going to send
for a beautiful girl.

A real sexy baby.

I don't want a real sexy baby.

And if you want
to know what's happened,

I've rented a room here.

But I told you

to stay away from...

[groaning]
Ooh, my hoof...

He's gone.

What'd he you say?

Oh, he's just a practical joker.

Oh, well, I'm not much
of a judge of character.

That's what
my husband always said.

We're gonna fix your room up

with a lot of Jo-Jo baseball
pictures, Mr. Hardy.

My husband's a great fan,
you know?

Oh, a fanatic.

Every night in front
of that television set

you'd see that big fat slob
sitting there.

[coins clinking]

[phone ringing]

- Hello?
- I need you, Lola.

What?

Oh, hello.

Oh, is that you, chief?

Mr. Applegate on phone: I want
you here in Washington.

But, chief,
I'm still working on Clarence.

I've got to put you
on a new assignment.

Alright, chief,
I'll get there.

I'll work hard. I'll finish 'em
up and be there tomorrow.

Well, see you do. Good-bye.

[coins clinking]

All I can say is the press
has been pretty good to Joe.

Maybe he ought to co-operate.

We can't write anything
if Joe can't remember anything.

You must have some family.

No, no, nobody.
They've all passed away.

Gone. Dead.

What about friends?

Well, he's got one friend
I know of.

Put me down, little girl.

What about friends
back in Hannibal,

heard from any of them?

- Uh, well...
- Uh...

If you will, uh, permit me
to say a word.

I happen to represent
the Hannibal Bugle

and, uh, I'm telling you
right now that everybody

in our little old town
is just as proud

as pumpkins of little old Joe.

Well, thank little old you,

and thank little old Joe.

Quit riding the boy, will you?

He's gone from pinch hitter to
idol of the nation in one month.

He's made our whole team
come to life.

He told you about those shoes.

He just picked up
the wrong pair.

Now if you want to ask any more
questions, ask me.

Okay.

Do you think Washington
will win the pennant?

Yeah, when I swim the channel.

[laughing]

What's so funny?

What's so darn funny about
Washington winning the pennant?

Well, who's winning more games
than we are?

Oh, no, Joe.

I don't see why
it's such a funny idea

that we should
cut the pennant.

All we have to do is win games.

Hear, hear.

I... I guess I talked to much.

No, you didn't.

These newspaper people
don't know

what it means to have
your heart in a ball club.

I tell you in baseball,
anything can happen.

You said we'd never
make the First Division.

But we're there.

Now, I say we'll have that
pennant sewed up

by the 25th of September.

That's what we think,
isn't it , Joe?

The 25th.
The season ends at 25th?

That's right, boy.

We'll have it sewed up
by the 24th.

There's a statement for ya.

How sneaky can a fella get?

Lola!

Hiya, chief.

- Well?
- Here I am.

- Have a nice trip?
- Oh, perfect.

The plane crashed in Cleveland.

Good. Now, about that job
in Chicago.

Just dandy.

I got the old boy to embezzle
a hundred thousand dollars

and lost it for him
at the racetrack.

Then his wife left him
and he took to drink.

I told him I was through
and he jumped out the window.

Twenty-second storey.

That's high enough.
That's fine.

I'm gonna try
the Empire State Building

on this next one.

N0, I10, n0, no, no, Lola.

This is a straight
seduction job.

A new boy
ljust got hold of.

Look, Lola, I, uh, I've done
a terribly foolish thing.

I'm really ashamed
to confess it.

I've let this real estate idiot
talk me

into an escape clause.

- I've never heard of it.
- You'll never hear of it again.

It slipped by me, l-- I've got
too much on my mind.

- I'm overworked.
- Oh, I know, poor dear.

- Elections coming up.
- Yeah.

So when I made this
Joe Hardy deal--

- Joe Hardy?
- That's his name.

He's a baseball player.

[exhales] Yeah, no, Clarence

just raved about him.

- Who's Clarence?
- You know.

Oh, yeah, that one.

Look, Lola,
here's the tie up.

This is a mass torture deal
like the Thirty Years War.

I've got thousands
of Washington fans drooling

under the illusion
that the Senators

are gonna win the pennant.

Oh, chief, that's awfully good.

When they lose,
there will be suicides

and heart attacks
and apoplexy.

Just like the good old days.

But the key to the whole thing
is this Joe Hardy.

And he wants to go home
to his wife.

Well, don't worry, chief,
you know I'm pretty good

at making men
forget their wives.

This is a routine case.

I'll give him the standard
vampire treatment.

Sure, sure, uh,
there isn't a homewrecker

on my staff better
than you, Lola.

But this fellow is stubborn.

Oh, come on, chief, you
know I've got what it takes.

Don't make me brag.

J' I took the zing out
of the King of Siam J'

J' I took the starch
out of the sails J'

J' Of the Prince of Wales J'

J' It's no great art J'

J' Getting the heart of a man J'

J' On a silver platter J'

J' A little brains
a little talent J'

J' With an emphasis
on the latter J'

J' I made mincemeat J'

J' Out of a sweet young farmer J'

J' I knocked the fight J'

J' Out of a knight J'

J' When I pierced his armor J'

J' And I'll bet
I could upset every male J'

J' In a Yale regatta J'

J' A little brains
a little talent J'

J' With an emphasis
on the latter J'

J' You've gotta know
just what to say J'

J' And how to say it J'

J' You've gotta know
what game to play J'

J' And how to play it J'

J' You gotta stack those decks J'

J' With a couple of extra J'

J' Aces J'

J' And this queen has her aces J'

J' In all the right places J'

J' I've done much more
than that old bore J'

J' Delilah J'

J' I took the curl
out of the hair J'

J' Of a millionaire J'

J' There is no trick J'

J' Getting some hick
who is cool J'

J' Just a little warmer J'

J' A little talent
a little brains J'

J' With an emphasis
on the former J'

[instrumental music]

J' Split up a home J'

J' Way up in Nome J'

J' Alaska J'

J' And wreck the life J'

J' Of every wife J'

J' Down in Madagascar J'

J' Ask me why weak
men'll die for me J'

J' Strong men simply shatter J'

J' A little brains
a little talent J'

J' With an emphasis
on the latter J'

J' You've gotta
know just what to do J'

J' And how to do it J'

J' You've gotta know
what tea to brew J'

J' And how to brew it J'

J' Delilah claim no haircut
made her man J'

J' A weakling J'

J' But when she turned
the lamps on J'

J' Guess who was
with Samson J'

J' Bring on that boy J'

J' He'll be a toy J'

J' To Lola J'

J' Just one more case J'

J' She can erase J'

J' With that old zambola J'

J' What's my plan? J'

J' Same as with any man J'

J' I'll use
the standard platter J'

J' Plus a little this-a J'

J' And a little that-a J'

J' With an emphasis J'

IOn theJ'

J' On the latter H'

[bat cracking]

[indistinct chatter]

[Qrunts]

Lola, this is the one.

[crowd clamoring]

Well, what do you think?

Duck soup.

I'll go put on
my working clothes.

See you after the game.

Fihud$]

[crowd cheering]

Nice going, Joe.

[crowd cheering]

Yeah, we jumped over a team,
that's all.

- Yeah, boy.
- We'll eat 'em for less.

Hardy!

Ain't had such
a good time in years.

Well, I hope those
so-called Bombers enjoyed

themselves as
much as I did.

Hey, you look pretty
near like a ball player today.

Three for five, kid,
three for five.

- Now, boys, get some sleep.
- Three for five!

Now, tomorrow, we'll
pin their ears back

and bow knot for them.

Right.

Mr. Applegate, I'd like to ask
you just one more question.

When Joe was back in Hannibal,
did he have the same name?

Yes. Hardy.

You spell it with an "H."

[laughs]

What's so funny?

Uh, something came to mind.

It isn't important.

He played a nice game today.

His batting average
went up three more points.

Now it's 524.

That's not bad
for a raw rookie.

Yes. Very raw.

Lovely girl.

I know she'll make some nice

young men very unhappy.

[indistinct chatter]

Three for five.

Hey, Rock,
that dumb blonde tomato

from the drug store is out there
waiting for you.

Three for five?

She asked was I
the reception committee.

You are sure
dressed for the part.

- Okay, baby, here I come.
- Good evening, gentlemen.

Good evening.

Ah, great game, Joe.

Great game.

I'm proud of you, my boy.

- Goodnight, Joe.
- Goodnight, Joe.

- Goodnight, Joe,
- Goodnight, Joe.

- See ya.
- Well, Joe...

We showed those Yankees,
didn't we?

Well, if we could just take
that double-header tomorrow

wouldn't that be great?

You will, you will.

I feel it in my bones.
Oh, Joe.

Joe, did you happen to notice
the charming young lady

sitting in the box with me?

- Yeah, I saw somebody.
- She wants to meet you.

I'll bring her in.

Wait till I get my pants on.

That's my boy.

You know, I got sort
of a date tonight.

At home, I mean.

I know, you don't like it.

Ah, I do like it, Joe.

I've changed my mind.

- I want you to be happy.
- Thanks.

But this is a real sweet kid

and she wants
to meet you, so I...

Well, sure, sure.

Lola.

She was talking about you
all through the game.

Ah, here we are.

This is my friend Lola.

- How do you do?
- This is Joe Hardy.

I have seen him
from a distance.

And admired him.

Oh.

You should not tell
that I admire.

Joe, this is Senorita
Lolita Hernando.

You may have seen her picture
in the paper.

She was Miss West Indies.

Well, it certainly
is a pleasure to meet you.

Thank you.

Joe,uh...

Keep Lola a company a second.

I gotta get a hot dog.

Oh, but, uh...

Where are my manners?

You wanna sit down?

You are so polite.

[chuckles]
This is where you all get ready.

Yes, ma'am.

Interesting.

[sighs]
Oh, the truth is, Mr. Joe,

I do not know how to talk
to a man so famous like you.

Oh, how about you
Miss West Indies,

that's going some.

Oh, it is silly.

Iam ashamed,
he told you.

Mr. Applegate tries
to show me off too much.

Because my pictures
in the papers

and because maybe I'm pleasing
to look in a bathing suit.

Is that important?

Well, uh, as the fellas
around here would say,

"It ain't bad."

Oh, no, Joe, what is inside me

if I am an interesting person,
that is important.

Oh, I agree.

Thank you.

What is those?

Oh, uh, that-- that's
when we pack our duffel

when we go on the road.

Oh, Joe.

You like music,
you like dancing?

I'm not very hot
at dancing, but, uh,

I like, I like music though.

I studied the cornet
for three years.

You help me down,

Nease?

Oh, sure.

[Qrunts]

Thank you.

I, um...

I really studied
for four years...

uh, my, uh,
my-- my teacher said

I had a-- a-- a-- a natural lip.

For playing the cornet that is,
I mean, well...

To-- to play the cornet,
you just gotta have good lips.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, Joe

you are a wonderful boy.

Joe: I am?
- You are so honest.

Oh, I'm honest
but I'm dumb, too.

Oh, I like people

who do not brag
about themselves.

Me too. I wonder
where Applegate--

You know something?

I think you and I feel
just alike about...

things.

We do?

I think we should become

to know each other quite well.

Joe...

would you like to take Lola

someplace tonight?

Gee, l-l sure
would like to but, uh...

you know what
Mr. Van Buren would say.

He'd say, "You lucky boy."

No, no. He'd say it's late.

He likes us to get to bed early.

Any particular place?

Oh, Joe...

you think
lam a naughty girl.

No, l-- I don't, only, uh...

Well, you see, I rented a room
out in Chevy Chase

this afternoon and I promised
to move in tonight.

I've got to go home.

Home?

Joe: Yes, I promised
to be there.

You want to hurt
Lola's feelings?

No, no. I don't want to hurt
anybody's feelings.

Well, Lola wants you
to say with her.

Oh, we-- we
have to keep training,

strict rules and all that.

You can tell me all the rules.

You're-- you're making things
very complicated.

Then be a good boy.

Joe: l'm-- I'm trying to.

And do like
Lola tells you to do.

[instrumental music]

J' Whatever Lola wants J'

J' Lola gets J'

J' And little man J'

J' Little Lola J'

J' Wants you J'

J' Make up your mind to have J'

J' No regrets J'

J' Recline yourself J'

J' Resign yourself J'

J' You're through J'

J' I always get J'

J' What I aim for J'

J' And your heart and soul J'

J' ls what I came for J'

J' Whatever Lola wants J'

J' Lola gets J'

J' No use to fight J'

J' Don't you know you J'

J' Can't win J'

J' You're no exception
to the rule J'

J' I'm irresistible you fool J'

J' Give in J'

J' Give in J'

J' Give in J'

[instrumental music]

J' Hello Joe J'

J' It's me J'

J' He hits so far J'

J' Hold on that's you J'

J' Aa-ha J'

J' Poo poo pa doop J'

[music continues]

J' Hold on J'

J'Aa haa J'

J' Whoo J'

IAahJ'

J' Peek-a-boo J'

J'LalalaJ'

IOohJ'

[music continues]

[laughs]

[music continues]

J' I always get J'

J' What I aim for J'

J' And your heart and soul J'

J' ls what I came for J'

J' Lola wants J'

J' Lola gets J'

J' You'll never win J'

J' I'm irresistible you fool J'

J' Give in J'

J' Give in J'

J' Hello Joe N

[clears throat]
Uh...

[laughing]

Um, M-- Miss, uh, Miss Lola...

Yes, Joe?

If-- if-- if-- if-- if-- if
it was you

I promised to come home to...

you'd want me to, wouldn't you?

I see.

Oh, you're-- you're-- you're
awfully wonderful.

And l-- l-- I wish
I was two people but...

but I'm only one.

And I'm married.

[door closes]

What a flop!

"Just a routine case," huh?

"Duck soup," huh?

I was wrong.

- He is different.
- "Alibi lke."

Oh, I never ran up against
anybody like that before.

Oh, bosh and double bosh!

Get yourself a new line!

Your methods are old-fashioned.

J' Whatever Lola wants
Lola gets J'

J' Poo poo pa doop
poo poo pa doop J'

J' Whatever Lola wants
and Lola gets J'

J' Aah aah aah N'

Alright!

They're going
on the Western trip now.

But you just wait
until he comes back.

I'll show you
how to handle this situation.

[indistinct chatter]

[crowd cheering]

"Joe gets a grand slam!"

"Washington now
are in second place."

"Washington wins ten streak

Joe gets a grand slam!"

[door opens]

[door closes]

Well, well, my dear girl

you should've been there.

You should've seen
a real artist at work.

You couldn't get him away
from his wife, huh?

- Well, I could.
- How? ls he crazy about you?

[laughs]
Oh, very funny.

What did you do?

I used the head

my futile wench.

I went into the neighborhood

and I spread scandal.

She will have to throw him out.

What kind of scandal?

Why, good heavens,
the boy's living

right there in the house
with that woman.

Aren't you shocked?
lam.

J' Whatever Lola wants J'

J' Lola gets N

What are you made up for?

What have you got on?

My costume!

I've joined
a Joe Hardy fan club.

Ain't that tender?

Ain't that touchin'?

I'm boring from within.

Infiltrating.

You better be.

And I've to go
to a rehearsal now.

- I'm in one of the acts.
- Okay, go on.

Go to rehearsal. Go ahead.
Get out of here.

See if you can be useful.
Go on, get out of here!

You depress me!

[instrumental music]

J' Whenever I am J'

J' From time to time depressed J'

J' And the trauma wells J'

J' And swells within my breast J'

J' I find some pride J'

J' Deep inside of me J'

J' As I fondly walk the lane J'

J' Of a memory J'

IIseeJ'

J' Bonaparte a mean one J'

J' If ever I've seen one J'

J' And Nero fiddling through J'

J' That lovely blaze J'

J' Antoinette dainty queen J'

J' With her quaint Guillotine J'

J' Yeahaha J'

J' Those were the good old days J'

J' I see Indians dragging J'

J' An empty covered wagon J'

J' When scalping the settlers J'

J' Was the latest craze J'

J' And that glorious morn J'

J' Jack the Ripper was born J'

J' Yeahaha J'

J' Those were the good old days J'

J' I'd sit in my rocking chair J'

J' Peacefully rocking there J'

J' Counting my blessings
by the score J'

J' The rack was in fashion J'

J' The plagues were my passion J'

J' Each day held a new joy J'

J' In store J'

J' Was anybody happy? J'

IIseeJ'

J' Cannibals munching J'

J' A missionary luncheon J'

J' The years may have flown J'

J' But the memory stays J'

J' Like the hopes
that were dashed J'

J' When the stock market
crashed J'

J' Yeahaha J'

J' Those were the good old days J'

J' I'd walk
a million miles more J'

J' For some of the gore J'

J' Of those good J'

IOIdJ'

J' Days N

I don't know who he was, Joe

but he just got everyone
in the neighborhood talking.

Well, I... I think I know
who it was.

After all, I am a married woman.

Sure, I understand.

Ijust hate to ask you
to leave but...

It's alright.

Oh, Joe, l...

I'll be back.

I hope so.

You can count on it, Meg.

[instrumental music]

Goodbye.

[indistinct chatter]

Cards, please. Show your cards!

Card please, show your card.

Come on, come on!

Well, if they want my autograph

they want my autograph.

Okay, kids.

Here comes somebody.

He's nobody.

Are you anybody?

Not a soul.

Show your card.

[indistinct chatter]

[woman vocalizing]

Joe was living at some
rooming house, wasn't he?

Uh, I don't know.

How long has he been living
at the hotel?

Oh, go on! Just tell me anything
you know about him.

Come on, Benny.

Let's make this
a good party tonight.

Don't worry.

I'm not gonna let anyone see
how I feel.

Oh, we've come
to the end of the season

better than lever dreamed.

Two games to go.

Now, now, now, you just relax.

We'll be the champions.

All we have to do

is win just one of those games.

But the way Joe cracked up
on us today.

Is that so?

She just asked me.

Would I like to be her partner?

She's good.

We've been rehearsing
the whole week.

Hey, that's the one.

"Sure don't know
how to thank you

for this wonderful
turnout tonight."

Congratulations.

Oh, it's you.

You see, I've become a fan.

Officially.

We're putting on a dance
in your honor tonight.

That's, uh,
that's very nice, Ms. Fernando.

No, Joe, Ms. Fernando's gone.

No accent, didn't you notice?

She failed dismally.

Kidding me again, I guess.

No, Joe.

Kidding myself.

I'm just a bold hussy

who's organized a fan club...

without instructions
from Applegate.

He wanted us to lose today,
didn't he?

Didn't you hear him giving me
the razz

throughout the whole game?
You know, personal things.

Anything to throw my game off.

That's why I threw the ball
in the stands.

I was trying to hit him.

You let in two runs
and hit an old lady

he was delighted.

What does he want?

- Tomorrow's the 24th.
- Yeah.

I think he doesn't want
to lose you.

Uh-- uh, what do you want?

I'd like to be your friend.

Well, I... I guess
you mean that.

Thanks.

Oh, Joe, you make me
feel girlish.

And I'm a 172 years old.

You see...

many men have loved me.
Hopelessly.

But I felt nothing.

Would you believe it

you're such a good, loyal

dumb, ordinary man.

You make me feel tender.

It's quite exciting.

Man 3: Folderol. You heard
what I said. Folderol.

We go on seven.
Will you watch?

- Sure.
Man 3: Folderol!

What business is it of yours
where Joe lives.

I'm curious, that's all.

Well, he couldn't stand
the publicity.

You see, he's like I am.

He's shy.

Joe moved to a hotel because...

Why did you move, Joe?

To be near you.

Boy's got spirit,
don't you think?

I think a lot of things,
my friend, you see...

I've just come back from a trip

To Hannibal Missouri.

Well, did you drop in to say
hello to the boys at the Bugle?

There is no Bugle,
Mr. Applejuice.

- You know my name?
- Yes, I do.

But I don't know
Joe Hardy's name.

What was the crack?

One thing I do know
his name is not Joe Hardy.

Well, if you're referring
to the rumor

that he is in reality

Shifty McCoy,
I deny it emphatically.

Huh? Who...

Oh, who-- who's Shifty McCoy?

Alright, alright,
if you haven't heard it

I haven't said it.

What's your big problem anyhow?

Why do you say
he's not Joe Hardy?

Nobody in Hannibal
has ever seen or heard

of Joe Hardy.

His birth is not
registered there.

He's a faker!

Where'd he come from?

Oh...

don't be so nosy, huh?

Go home! Get married!

Have children.

J' So when the bases are loaded J'

J' The count is three and two J'

J' You'll hit a homer Joe J'

J' We can depend on you J'

J' You're a hero 'cause J'

J' You've got heart IJ'

You're wanted on stage.

Woman 2: Up we go.
- Benny?

Hey.

You look pretty.

Oh, Benny, ever hear
of a ball player

named Shifty McCoy?

Shifty McCoy?

Isn't he the kid
that took a bribe

in the Mexican League
about four years ago?

- Oh?
- Yeah.

Yeah, through a game
and they caught him at it.

- What happened to him?
- Oh, he took it on the lam.

Never been heard of since
as far as I know.

- Did you know him?
- No.

No, Ms. Thorpe.

Ijust saw his picture
in the paper.

The paper? Oh.

[crowd applauding]

And this is Joe's night.

And I'm not gonna start it off
with a long speech.

Later on, you may have
to listen to a tribute or two.

But right now,
we're going to sit down

and see what some of Joe's
fan clubs think of him.

Shifty McCoy!

Of course, I'm sure!

Get all the stuff on him

and hold everything,
I'll be right over!

And now, number seven.

We have a tribute from the...

"l love Joe" fan club.

Yeah, that's what it says.

[crowd applauding]

[instrumental music]

IUghJ'

IUghJ'

IUghJ'

J' Who's got the pain
when they do the mambo? J'

J' Who's got the pain
when they go ugh? J'

J' Who's got the pain
when they do the mambo? J'

J' I don't know who do you? J'

J' Who needs a pill
when they do the mambo? J'

J' Who needs a pill
when they go ugh? J'

J' Who needs a pill
when they do the mambo? J'

J' I don't know who do you? J'

J' Someone must be sick
with the heat? J'

J' Or steppin'
on everyone's feet? J'

J' But if everyone's
feelin' okay J'

J' Why don't they
just say Olay J'

J' When the music carries
then away? J'

J' Ugh who's got the pain
when they do the mambo? J'

J' Who's got the pain
when they go ugh? J'

J' Who's got the pain
when they do the mambo? J'

J' I don't know who do you? J'

[music continues]

IUghJ'

IUghJ'

[music continues]

J' ls there a doctor
in the house? J'

J' ls there a doctor
in the house? J'

J' If there's a doctor
in the house J'

J' Point him out but there is
an element of doubt J'

J' As to who's got the pain
when they do the mambo? J'

J' Who's got the pain
when they go ugh? J'

J' Who needs a pill
when they do the mambo? J'

J' Who's got the pain
when they go ugh? J'

[music continues]

J' Hey! J'

J' Hey! J'

[music continues]

IUghJ'

IUghJ'

IUghJ'

IUghJ'

[music continues]

IUghJ'

r Ugh r:

[audience cheering]

That was terrific, Fosse.

You were wonderful.

Going a little far,
don't you think?

What's the matter?
Didn't you like it?

I like it fine.

Puff him up, baby.
I'll bring him down again.

- You what?
- It's already started.

Keep your eyes open,
homewrecker.

You'll find out
who's got the pain the mambo.

J' You gotta have heart J'
J' Heart J'

J' All you really need is heart J'

J' When the odds are sayin'
you'll never win J'

J' That's when the grin
should start J'

J' It's the new
from America Joe J'

J' When your luck
is battin' zero J'

J' Hmm hmm hmm J'

J' Get your chin up
off the floor J'

J' Hmm hmm hmm J'

J' Mister you can be a hero J'

J' Hmm hmm hmm J'

J' You can open any door J'

J' There's nothing to it
but to do it J'

Extra! "Joe Hardy accused!"

Extra, extra!
"Joe Hardy accused!"

Extra! "Joe Hardy accused!"

J' A genius of course J'

Hmm! For the love of Mike,
will you look at this?

- What are you talking about?
- He took a bribe!

Down in the Mexican League.

It's a lie. I don't believe it.

- Oh, my Gosh!
- They're crazy.

Oh, no. I won't believe it.

Why should they say
such a thing?

But they do, Joe.
The commissioner has called--

But it's not true,
not any of it.

I'm not a crook! I wouldn't
double-cross you, Benny.

I'd die for the team.
And I will!

And we'll win! We've got to!
We'll win, we'll win!

Benny: No. Oh, no.

Joe is down
at the commissioner's right now.

But the whole town
is behind him.

Parades, speeches...

They know an okay guy

when they see one and so do l.

Joe ain't done nothing wrong.

I'll bet you the Yankees
are behind this whole thing.

- Yeah, they're scared of us.
- That's right!

Whether Joe's with us
today or not

you guys are going out there
and you're gonna play

red-hot baseball.

You're the best team
in the league and you know it.

And when you take the field,
I want you to forget about Joe!

And fill that ball park
with so many base hits

those Cleveland Indians
will think

it's the third World War.

Alright, I'll tell you.

Because I value
the good name of baseball

more than I do of victory
of my own team.

Well, just because
a picture in the paper

taken four years ago

happenstolook
something like it.

Mr. Welch, Ms. Thorpe
has the floor.

I know, I know.

It's not because of the picture.

The picture only fortified
my suspicion

that he had a phony background.

And my paper
has taken the trouble

to bring a few witnesses
from Hannibal

if you care to hear them.

Man 4: Certainly, go ahead.

Mr. Hawkins?

This is the postmaster
from Hannibal.

Read about it.

"Joe on trial!"

Read about it.

"Joe on trial!"

Man 4: Just answer me
one thing, boy.

If as you say,
you were brought up in Hannibal

how do you recount for the fact

that no one seem
to remember you.

Well, uh, l-- l-- I--
ltold you--

- Ah! Good news!
- What is it, Mr. Applegate?

I asked for a recess
until 1o:3o tonight.

I have a witness flying in
from Mexico city

who knew Shifty McCoy!

[indistinct chatter]

[gavel pounding]

[sighs]

Well, I don't know
what to think.

We know he just never came
from Hannibal.

We just know that.

Well, I know something else
that's more important.

- He's a good boy.
- I didn't say he wasn't.

I may not be
a judge of character

but I know when somebody's good.

You're darn tootin'.

And if Joe picked out Hannibal

as the town
he'd like to come from

he must have his good reasons.

And it's an honor to the town.

Can you imagine
that old Mr. Hawkins

getting up there at that hearing
and saying those things?

Well, we could get up there,
too.

What?

It's just psychology, baby.

Just psychology-

And once I've got him for keeps

l'll make him throw the game.

Oh, he'll burn.

He'll burn!

As for me, I'm sorry.

What did you say?

I said I'm sorry for him.

I have observed of late...

a certain laxity on your part.

Have you forgotten
every principle

I've ever taught you?
Alright, Lola, 1oo times.

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody.

Never feel sorry for anybody.
Never feel sorry for anybody.

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody...

I'm gonna select something
appropriate

for this evening's hearing.

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody.

Never feel sorry for anybody.
Never feel sorry for anybody.

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody...

That looks terrible.

I'll wear that.

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody...

[door buzzer]

Ah! Now can anybody guess
who that is?

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for--

Come in, Joe!

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody...

Alright, Lola,
knock it off. Later.

We've got the greatest baseball
player in the world with us.

Let us do him homage.

It's very kind of you
to say that, Mr. Applegate

but it doesn't look
as if Joe Hardy

will ever make
the Hall of Fame.

One can never tell.

I made my decision,
Mr. Applegate

that's what I came
to talk to you about.

I want to exercise
the escape clause

which is to take place
on the 24th which is today.

Well, now...

aren't you being a little hasty?

I've thought it all over

I found out there's something
more important in life

than being a hero.

Deep, this boy.

- Very deep.
- I want out. I wanna go back.

Very well.

An operation of this kind
must take place

at the witching hour.

So, at 5 minutes to midnight

if you still wanna go back

say the word.

Well, suppose this hearing
is still going on,

are you gonna change me right
there in front of everybody?

oh, I1o, no, no, no, no.

That would cause talk.

All you have to do is say

"Let us step
into the next room."

Joe Hardy will go
through that door

and he will never return.

"Took it on the lam,"
they'll say.

I just want to be sure
there's no misunderstanding.

Goodbye, Lola.

[door closes]

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for anybody.

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry for any--

Alright, Lola,
let's not have just the letter.

Let's have the spirit.

Never feel sorry for anybody,
never feel sorry--

And, uh, don't get
too impudent with me

or I'll degrade you
and get Clementine

in here for this work.

You get too fresh with me

and I'll put you back
on your broom.

Now, while I go to the hearing

you sit down there and you think
of three dirty tricks.

And they better be good.

Well, I'll tell you
what it's called.

It's called perjury.

I call it helping out
an innocent friend.

I call it exciting.

Mr. Commissioner!

How can you believe
these witnesses?

Don't you realize
that this woman

subtle, sophisticated...

Oh, bosh.

...can twist this simple man

around her finger?

Who is simple?
Now, you wait a minute.

One side, please.
Let us through!

We're material witnesses.

I ask for a little patience.

My witness in on the way
from the airport.

But I can't wait that long,
you know that.

I don't understand.

He does.

It's nearly midnight.

Don't worry, Joe.

- We came here to witness.
- Now wait a minute, lady.

We've decided that
we should speak up.

We're material witnesses.

Why, hello there, Mr. Hawkins.

Well, May Parker,
how are you, May?

It's the Miller girls.

[indistinct chatter]

[gavel pounding]

You seem to be
old acquaintances.

We'd like to take the stand
and testify.

We'll take the oath or anything.

Well, you see, at first,
we didn't remember Joe

and then when I remembered him,
and reminded the girls

then pretty soon,
they remembered him too.

[gasping]
Hello there, Joe.

My, ljust hardly know you now

you've grown up so.

You knew him?

Oh, we picked huckleberries
together.

You must remember him,
Mr. Hawkins.

Don't you mind,
he used to come in

and collect the mail
for old Mrs. Peeper.

It's five minutes
before midnight.

What is it, Mr. Hardy?

Oh, I'd like to go in
the other room

and talk to Mr. Applegate.

Wait, Joe,
he remembers ya.

Sure, now I remember him.

I knew it!
I knew Joe wouldn't lie!

Silence.
Quiet please.

Why that boy sat there
and let them

call him a liar to his face

and now by George,
he's vindicated.

I don't want anyone
to leave the room.

We didn't care
what the paper said

we never lost faith in Joe.

He may have come
from a poor family.

But that's no disgrace
in this day and age.

Certainly some of
the greatest men in our country

came from poor families.

And the way it's turned out now
some of the greatest

baseball players did too.

You see, we three
all knew each other

when we were young
back in Hannibal

and Mr. Hawkins knew us.

So that when we heard
about this thing

we couldn't bear to see
an injustice done

and that's why
we pushed through.

Although the corridors
are so crowded

I just thought
we'd never make it.

But we did.

[instrumental music]

Joe.

Oh.

Where is he?

He's asleep.

I gave him a pill.

Why didn't you give him two?

Idid.

Move over.

Sure, why not?

We're both in the same boat now.

Joe, don't cry.

Oh, ha, ha.

Joe, you're gonna win.

- Maybe.
- I fixed it for you.

I said I gave him two pills,
I gave him four.

He was so delighted
with himself, horsing around.

He said, give me a drink
of demon rum.

You know, big joke.

So I did and I slipped
four pills into it.

He won't wake up
until after the game.

But I wanted him to be there.

I wanted him to have to sit
right there

and watch us win the pennant.

If he were there,
you wouldn't win.

Oh, no, Benny's putting me out
in center field

I wouldn't hear him yell at me
out there

I wouldn't even have to look
at him.

It wouldn't make any difference.

He owns you now.

Boy. I see.

I didn't know
how it worked.

But, Lola, what were you?

I was the ugliest woman
in Providence, Rhode Island.

Well, he'll be...

He'll be good and sored
at what you did.

You think he'll turn you back?

Oh, he threatens.

Two lost souls.

I don't know
whether to cry or make jokes.

Oh, Joe, jokes make jokes.

We're together tonight
and maybe never again.

Well, then, we ought to make
the best of it.

Please.

How do we do that?

[instrumental music]

You think of some way.

Give me a second now,
I'll figure something out.

See, I got it.

Joe, you like music,
you like dancing.

[chuckles] Well, I'm not very
odd at dancing

but I like music though.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

But he's supposed to be
in training.

He's relaxin',
leave him alone.

He never let the team down yet,
did he?

[laughing]

J' Two lost souls J'

J' On the highway of life J'

J' We ain't even got J'

J' A sister or brother J'

J' But ain't it just great J'

J' Ain't it just grand? J'

J' We've got each other J'

J' Two lost ships J'

J' On a stormy sea J'

J' One with no sails J'

J' And one with no rudder J'

J' But ain't it just great? J'

J' Ain't it just grand? J'

J' We've got each other J'

J' Two lost sheep J'

J' In the wilds of the hills J'

J' Far from the other J'

J' Jacks and Jills J'

J' We wandered away J'

J' And went astray J'

J' But we ain't fussin' J'

J' 'Cause we've got us and J'

J' We're two lost souls J'

J' On the highway of life J'

J' And there is no one J'

J' With whom we would ruther J'

J' Say ain't it just great J'

J' Ain't it just grand? J'

J' We've got each other J'

GD, bOY, go'

Hey, how about that boy?
[laughs]

Oh, God.

Oh, come on.

[laughing] Ooh!

J' Wherever we go J'

J' Whatever we do J'

J' As long as you've got me J'

J' And I've got you J'

J' We've got a lot J'

J' Because we've got J'

J' Each other J'

Hey,Joe,
you call that dancing?

Woo-hoo!

[music continues]

Whoo!

Hey, Joe. Come on.

[music continues]

[laughs]

Whoa.

J' We ain't fussin' J'

J' 'Cause we got us and J'

[instrumental music]

[scatting]

[laughing]

[music continues]

GO! Go!

Ha!

[music continues]

Ah!

J' Oo hoo hoo hoo J'

J' Hoo hoo hoo J'

Ha, Joe.

J' Two lost souls J'

J' Two lost souls J'

J' Go sister J'

J' Go brother J'

J' Great friend each other J'

J' Two lost ships J'

J' Stormy sea J'

J' No sail no rudder J'

J' Sail each other J'

J' Two lost sheep J'

J' Wild hills J'

J' Wanderin' strayin' J'

J' Lost afraid J'

J' Great friend J'

J' Lost soul J'

[indistinct chatter]

Put her there.

L-O-T-S!

[music continues]

[laughing]

ITwoJ'

J' Lost J'

J' So-o-ouls J'

[indistinct chatter]

[ball smacks]

[crowd cheering]

[Qroans]

J' I see cannibals munching J'

J' A missionary luncheon J'

J' Da dee daJ'

[snoring]

[groaning]

I don't want any doggone angels
hovering over me.

[shouting]

[chuckles]

- Where am I?
- Good morning, chief.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, I feel terrible.

What time is it?

My, I never knew you
to sleep like this.

Oh...

What lousy poet
said "blessed sleep?"

What time is it?

Oh, it's about 3:30.

3:30 when?

The game.
I'm supposed to be at the game.

Well, I tried to wake you.

There's something funny
going on here.

Look, I shook you and shook you.

- What's the score?
- Oh, it's about even.

The score.

Washington leads,
one to nothing.

Iast of the seventh.

It's not too late.

I'll get dressed in a flash.

[instrumental music]

Well, come on.

[indistinct chatter]

[cheering]

[applauding]

I see it all now.
You doped me.

But why? Why?

Because I love him.

Love? [growling]

Here we are, mister.

You're just gonna catch
the last inning.

Somebody's gonna pay for this.

I'll pay
just as long as Joe wins.

He won't win. He'll lose even
if I have to change him back

right there
in front of everyone.

Well, I don't wanna see it.

Come back here, you.

Come back here, I said.

[instrumental music]

NOW, I1o ITIOTG nonsense.

[whistling]

[cheering]

Come on, will you?

Ball one.

[cheering]

[cheering]

What's the score?
What's the score?

One to nothing, Washington.

Get a all in one, Mickey

Sew it up, Mickey. Sew it up.

Strike one.

Strike him out.

The big bum!
He can't hit it.

Ball one.

[inaudible]

[crowd yelling]

Foul!

[crowd gasping]

He's gonna hold it.

[crowd cheering]

You can get it, Joe.
You can get it.

[crowd groans]

[all cheering]

[panting]

[indistinct chatter]

Benny, is Joe alright?

We can't find him. Smokey
found his shirt out there.

- He's disappeared.
- Here it is, Mr. Welch.

Joe Hardy disappears.

Washington wins the Pennant.

Joe Hardy disappears.

Man on radio: Neither Mr. Welch
nor Benny Van Buren

will affirm or deny
the disappearance of Joe Hardy.

However many of the players
admitted

that from the moment
he caught that ball

and ran into the clubhouse

none of them has seen him.

Where is he?

One of the rumors which persists

is that there has been foul play

by a group of New York gamblers

who are known to have bet
heavily on the Yankees.

[instrumental music]

Is that you, sister?

JOe!

I'm back.

Oh, Joe, I'm a sight.

A wonderful sight.

Oh, Joe.

Where you been?

Oh, no, no.
I didn't mean that.

I wasn't gonna ask that.

- Don't ask it.
- I didn't mean to.

Don't ever ask it.

I won't.

You've been on a secret mission.

But you're back.

If you'll have me.

[growling]

- Alright, Joe...
- ls something the matter?

- Say things to me, Meg.
- We've had our little joke.

Things about us.

Joe, it was a mean trick
to turn your back.

It was an impulse.

And I regret it.

But I'll make amends.

You can show up tomorrow, Joe.

And you can be Joe Hardy again.

And you can win the
World Series, you can be a hero.

J' Empty am I
with my empty chair... J'

[groans]

Look, Joe, I'm not really
a bad fellow.

I'm just emotional.

I've forgiven Lola too.

Joe...
Joe...

J' Underlines the blue J'

J' The tulips that he'd plant J'

J' And all have lost
their bloom J'

[growling]

J' Empty am I
with my empty love J'

Listen to me,
you wife-loving louse.

You belong to me.

You sold me your soul.

You can't run out on me
like this.

You thief! You crook!

You robbed me,
that's what you did.

[growling]

You robbed me.
You robbed me.

[instrumental music]