All language subtitles for Gallagher.Thats.Stupid.1983.480p.DVDRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.BZ]

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-[beeping]
-[announcer] From
around the world,

Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.BZ

but mostly from LA,
it's time for "That's Stupid!"

Starring Gallagher.
The show that looks life

right in the eye and says,
"That's stupid."

Hi, gang. This week, "That's
Stupid" looks at my house in LA.

Hi, I'm who you think I am,

and what's so stupid
about my house in Los Angeles?

Well, is it the long, windy,
dangerous road

through the mountains
from Malibu

where all the other houses
are hanging off the edge

of the continent? No.

Is it my car,
painted like a watermelon?

No.

Is it this impossible driveway

that you gotta be almost
a goat to get up

this doggone thing?!

See?!

Or is what's stupid
about my house

the fact that you can't
get any television

in this bowl of semi-mountains

and gotta put up one
of these satellite dishes

and come out here
in your pajamas

in the middle of the night
and yell back into bedroom,

"Is this the right satellite?"

No.

What's stupid about my house
is what I paid for it

and I ain't telling you. I ain't
telling you the interest rate,

I ain't even telling you
the bank that finally said yes

to me and no to Poland.
Can you believe that?

Won't loan money to me,
an American,

to buy a house
'cause I'm in show business

and Poland ain't even
in no business?

Is that stupid?

Here's where warm, moist air
comes out of my house

and just gets thrown away
in the atmosphere, gang.

And, of course,
I have a humidifier

and a heater in the house.

Now, is that stupid or dumb?

Or expensive? Or insane?

I think that's what
this show is all about.

We didn't come here today
to discuss the western motif

of my house.

We came here
to talk about stupidity

in all its various forms.

Let's go in the house.
I'll make you something to eat

and we can talk about this.
[coughing]

[coughing] Oh!

Well, welcome to my kitchen,
gang.

Let's have something to eat

and then we'll talk
about stupidity.

Don't you feel at home
once you got all of your food?

Yes, indeed, we do.

Now, whenever I cook
for a large group,

I just cook like I cook
for myself,

I just make a whole lot more.

You know, some people, when you
come over to their house,

they have, like, spaghetti.
Not me.

I have what I normally would
have 'cause you're just

as important to me
as I am.

So let's just have
what I'd normally have, gang.

We'll have a little of that.
There wasn't that much of that.

Well, it'll just clean
all of this up here, I think.

We'll just finish some
of this off.

You like all this,
don't you, gang? Sure you do.

We'll just have about this much,
I think will be good.

Do you like these things?
I think they taste much better

with the milk on it.

So we'll just have
a little milk here,

and then we'll talk
about stupidity.

Isn't it funny how when people
wanna talk,

they go out to eat
and then their mouth's all busy,

chewing and everything?
It's just dumb.

But that's just how people are.

Here, you go ahead--
Oh, sugar.

We gotta have some sugar,
don't we, gang?

We love our sugar, don't we?

Oh, wait. Bananas.
Fruit, sugar, bananas.

Now, you go ahead
and you try that.

And we'll talk about food.

First of all, gang,
here's a little hint.

Don't eat this with a spoon.
Ugh!

Eat this with a spoon. Okay?
Now you're listening.

Now we're gonna talk
a little bit about diets.

-First of all...
-[crunching]

I need something to eat.

I only eat the natural-style
potato chips.

These are, of course,
potato chips that come

off of a potato chip bush.

Hey, gang,
let's talk about diets.

Talk about the way people
are eating these days.

You know, you're gonna eat
what you're gonna eat.

So why go on a diet?
If you wanna do something good,

go on my diet.
It's the "don't chew" diet.

You just eat what
you'd normally eat,

you just don't chew it.

You can't get as much
in your stomach.

You eat less,
you're gonna lose weight.

Am I right, gang?
Also, my reverse diet.

Go ahead, eat your meal
in reverse.

Have your dessert first,

'cause you know you're
gonna eat it anyway, aren't you?

Well, if you eat it first,
then it takes up some space.

Later on you get
to the vegetable,

you probably won't cram okra,
will you? No.

Talk about icky stuff.
Look here.

People are eating this
these days.

Comes in two packages like glue,
you know? You mix it together.

Okay, let's try a little bit.

Now, this stuff
taste horrible.

I don't know why that is,
but it just tastes horrible.

I guess that's
because it's good for you.

So anyway, you put this in here.

Now, do people go ahead
and eat that right

the way that is right there?
No, they don't do that.

Why? Because like I told you,
it tastes terrible.

So what do smart people these
days do, these modern people?

They put in some ice cream.

Of course, they're a lot nicer
than I am. I'm excited.

I like the ice cream.
And then, of course,

they put in some Cool Whip,
of course.

Now, this is a diet.
Remember, this is a diet.

You just put in the best
strawberries in your diet.

And, of course, then you have a
little bit of honey, don't you?

A little bit of honey,
little bit of berries,

little bit of Cool Whip,
little bit of ice cream,

and we're right on that diet,
aren't we?

Then you go ahead and you hit
that right there like that.

-Then you put your hat over it.
-[blender whirring]

Well, anyway, gang,
your diet is dumb

if you're gonna-- dumb,
if you're gonna eat that.

Now, let's, uh,
talk about the kitchen.

I think we should get
into some really heavy food.

Don't you? Let's, uh,
fire up the fry pan.

Now, I wanted to show you that
this is not just a silly prop

that I use in my show. No.
The double-handed fry pan

is very good, very safe

for handing a hot fry pan to
someone else, and we use this.

This is a very good friend of
Gallagher here in the kitchen.

And so we're going
to have something

in the frying pan right now.

We'll just put a little bit
of Pam in the...

And Pam... oh, hon, look!

The baby's been switching the
cans, the enamel with the Pam.

Where's the baby anyway? Hon?

Is the baby in here?

Well, the baby was in there.

What do you say we just, uh,
call it a show?

Well, that's our show for today,
gang.

"That's Stupid" visits my house
in Los Angeles.

We're just about
out of transmit time here

on the old umbrella satellite
uplink sending our signal

out into the cosmos,
letting the whole universe

know how stupid humanity is.

But we know it, don't we, gang?

Hey, I didn't get a letter
from Cleveland, Ohio

so I had to write one myself.

Now, the guy says...

that his grandmother is putting
doilies on top of slip covers

she puts over her couch that she
bought to exactly match the rug

which is always under
the newspapers.

He wants to know,
is that stupid?

You write and tell me.

Hey, nobody else wrote me
any more letters

so I had to write some more.

Let's pretend this guy wrote...
[laughs]

and wanted to know
if it's okay that he eats stuff

that people make fun of.
Other people, you know,

are always saying things like
their body is their temple,

their body is so clean,
even their colon is clean.

How can you put such vile

and ugly, dirty, old things
like that?

They'll say you put crap
in your body.

They say that their colon
is clean.

I say, listen, if your colon
ain't for crap, what's it for?

Hey, you don't listen to 'em.

Now I wanted
to show you this.

Here is a nice, little hint
for you around the house.

You know, these Tupperwares
work great.

They'll keep stuff
all the way down to the crumbs.

And it's still fresh,
and you say,

"I'm gonna throw that away."
Don't do that.

Get you a knife
full of peanut butter,

you dab that down in there
and you got ya

a real good snack.

Now, here's the old
time capsule.

What are we gonna put in there
this week

to show the world
in the future

that we were pretty dumb
back here?

Well, we're gonna show you
some other uses

for Tupperware
that are stupid.

Do we really need this
made out of Tupperware?

It doesn't keep it fresh.
In fact, it has a hole in it.

This thing here rakes the skin
off of your back.

Not exactly what Tupperware
was made for.

This is dumb, this is dumb,
this is dumb, this is dumb,

and this is dumb.

Now, here's our Japanese
"That's Stupid" computer.

We fed a lot of stupid
information into it.

We fed stupid information
about plant engineering,

and, uh, gene splicing,
and adolescent eating habits.

And we'd let it digest it
and come up with what it thinks

is gonna happen in the future.
Go ahead and give us that, uh,

give us that readout there.
Just go ahead and just

give us that read--
Oh, here it is.

Comes in the form of a, uh...
of a, um...

a fortune cookie, of course.
[chuckles]

It says, "In the future,
uh, we will have, uh,

peas on the cob
just to confuse the kids

that don't wanna eat greens."

Hey, that's just about the show
for today.

I want to remind you
that I didn't say anything

about mothers, even though
they are dumb.

They tell us not to put stuff
in our mouth,

we don't know where
that stuff has been.

Yet once they bake a cake,
they go get the broom,

and break off some dumb, old,
dirty, old straw

and stick it right
in our nice, fresh cake.

Uh, I wanna thank all you people
for coming here

to the house today.

I enjoy company
and you should too.

It makes you clean the house.
[chuckles]

It's good to have company,
it makes you clean the house.

I like that. A lot of people
wouldn't even mop the floor

if the washer
didn't overflow either.

Uh, but before I go, I do wanna
have a serious moment with you

and just kind of leave you
with a touching little poem.

Bless the widow,

for she is alone.

Bless all that has been
widowed in nature.

Bless the widow birds,
the widow fishes... [laughs]

and all the widow things.

This has been me,
so you know that's stupid.

[birds chirping]

[gunshot, gun cocks]

[gunshots]

Hi, gang. This week
"That's Stupid" looks at sports.

As you can already see,

we looked at hunting
real stupid, huh?

Boy, hunting ain't even a sport
when you look at it.

I mean, there ain't a referee
out in the woods

making sure the hunters
ain't doing anything illegal

and did you ever hear
of an animal scoring a point?

No, sirree. This problem starts
in Idaho, you know.

Idaho, the state motto
is "Shoot 'em."

And the state bird is dead.

[gunshot]

Real stupid, huh, gang?

Well, let's look at some sports,
uh, that are more conventional.

Like you see a lot
of this equipment

in people's living room
these days.

Now, on the rug in the living
room, this looks real smart.

But you know what?
Out here it's just real stupid.

And I think if it
looks dumb out here,

it's probably dumb
in the house too.

Look, you're not going nowhere,
you're not doing nothing.

This is as bad as joggers.

Oh, I know, I just made a whole
lot of friends with you joggers.

But why don't you do something
that amounts to something?

I mean, like, oh,
run errands for old people,

or deliver the mail,
or deliver the phone books,

or just do something good

with your running all around
everywhere.

I mean, this is kind of nuts,
ain't it?

I mean, America buys weights
to get in shape,

puts them in the garage with
an electric garage door opener.

That's us, gang. We go down
to the spa to get in shape

and look for the closest
parking space.

Don't wanna walk too far
to exercise.

Let's get off this silly thing.
You know, gang, I'm...

I'm kind of bored
with most sports anyway.

Ain't you? Yes, indeed.

I think they need
to be more fun.

We need to innovate
with our sports.

Well, how's, uh... just, oh...

[laughs] He ain't too good,

I'll show you
what I'm talking about.

But I do like fishing.
Now, is that stupid?

Well, other people
must be like me

'cause they send in them letters
and they say,

"Gallagher, we like fishing too,
but we have children.

What can you tell us
about fishing with children?"

Number one, and most important:

keep the child tied securely
to the line.

Number two: just go ahead
and fish as you normally would

with any live bait.

Hey! There she goes!

Video games are not stupid.

Video games keep us all
from watching so much TV.

Anyway, what else are we gonna
do with all of these quarters?

[video game sound effects]

That's enough sports for today.

Bowling almost ain't even
a sport when you think about it.

I think bowling is mostly
an excuse to get drunk.

And drunk is an excuse
for your bowling.

Now, I don't wanna just pick
on bowlers

here at the bowling alley.

I'm also gonna pick
on you tennis setters.

You gotta get that net
out of the middle.

It screws up the game.
Put the net around the court.

That way, you don't have
to chase after the ball.

Now, we got two things
for the time capsule here today

to show the future generations
how dumb we were

back here in the past.

First of all,
soap on a rope. Real dumb.

And, of course,
8-track tapes.

Remember when you bought this?

Real valuable today,
aren't they?

Now, I notice I didn't
get any letters.

Maybe you all are confused
about what this show is about.

It's about stupidity in all
of its different forms.

Maybe you don't
know what stupid is.

Right here.
This is stupid.

Now, the swimmer who shaves
his head comes in last

in the big race,
that's stupid.

Now, solo synchronized swimming
is a concept

I haven't figured out yet.
When I do,

I'll tell you whether
that's stupid or not.

Now, honking your horn
in a tunnel, I know that one.

That's stupid.

Anything down at the Department
of Motor Vehicles,

that's stupid.

Including your picture
on your license.

Now, for a long time,
we've seen these dogs

on the wall playing cards.

I don't know whether
that's stupid or not,

'cause you've been buying 'em.

But isn't this getting
kind of dumb

when we got now cats
playing cards?

I think this
is getting pretty dumb, gang.

And of course if the cats
are playing cards,

they've bumped those dogs up
to playing pool now.

Just to show you how hideous
this kind of stupidity can be,

they're trying to convince you
that it's okay now

for the little boy to read
his book in the living room

with the lion.

Watch out for this, gang.

Now, I don't know about this,

if this is stupid or not.

It all depends on your team
and who fumbled.

All right. Uh...

I guess that's just about it.

It's about time for me
to get out of here, I notice.

Don't five minutes go fast?
[laughs]

Before I go, I wanna leave
some last few hints

about stupidity for you kids
at home.

Number one:

Don't hit yourself in the head
with a frying pan!

-[bong]
-[laughs]

'Cause it hurts!

Number two:

don't put your bowling ball
in the freezer. Okay, gang?

-[glass shattering]
-Not a good idea.

Number two:

don't always think...
you know what I'm gonna do.

See ya.

Hi, gang. We're here
at the newsstand

to prove a point
about newspapers today.

Now, they call them newspapers
even though they're not

quite all news, are they, gang?

They're mostly ads.
In fact, almost every page

in a newspaper is half ads.

Look, that's page two.

I just turned
into this newspaper

and it's starting out
with this ad stuff.

Now, you know how
a newspaper goes.

You open it in the middle,
you find a double page ad.

Don't you? Here's that
in San Francisco.

San Diego will show us
that when you flip it around,

it's another ad.

These things are more billboards
than they are newspapers.

Aren't they? You know,
if television was this much ad,

to this much news, you wouldn't
watch it, would you?

Well, I'm gonna pick on
another media now.

You guess who it is
I'm gonna pick on.

No, not TV. Guess again.

No, not radio. Guess again.
One more time.

No, not records.
I'll have to tell you.

I'm gonna pick on...

Uh, hello? Phone company?

I'd like to just speak
to somebody in general

about, uh, tell telephone
service, if I could.

I'm, uh, I'm a com--
I could talk to you?

Well, I'm a comedian
and I'm doing this show

and I just wanna make sure
of this information

before I do it in front
of everybody.

I just wanna make sure,
is this right?

Yes, uh, can you get a phone
on the phone?

Can-- can you get a phone
on the phone?

Or do you have to--
you have to go down

and pick it out?

Can you get the guy on the truck

when he comes
to hook up the phone to bring--

He can't bring that phone
because then he'd have

a lot of phones. All right.

Well, yeah, that's... uh...

I'm sure you do have your rules
and it probably does make

some kind of, uh, sense
down there.

But doesn't it seem
kind of strange

that the only thing you can't
get by phone is a phone?

I mean, that's what the phone
is supposed to be,

is a convenience.

All right, I just have
one more question.

Uh, if you're outside
your area code

and you wanna
call your home phone

and you have
an answering machine

and you wanna bill it
to the phone right there--

You're ahead of me.
You can't do it, can you? No.

Yeah. Uh-huh. A credit card?
Oh, a credit card. Yeah.

That'd be nice,
a credit card number.

No, I don't have
a credit card number.

Well, you know, okay. Yes.

Uh-huh. Well,
that's the phone company,

and, uh, this is, uh, stupid.

Roll 'em. That's our show
for today, gang, about media.

That's all I had to say
knocking newspapers,

but I still got some ammunition
for the phone company.

Like why do they keep telling us
how much money

we could save them
if we just look the number up

ourself in the book?

If those phonebooks
was a good idea,

they'd have them down there

and they'd be thumbing
through 'em like we have to.

Instead, they have computers.
That's the way to do it.

If they wanna save us all
some money on our phone bill,

they should quit printing
them books up

and just tell us the number
real fast when we call in.

Now, in the future, it's gonna
be a real problem, gang,

because they're gonna
have video phones.

And then the information
operator will know

we don't have a pencil.
[laughs]

I wanna thank all
of the scientists in media

for thinking up new ways
of making man look stupid.

Like watching commercials
on our video tape recorders.

Isn't that dumb, gang?
I guess it is.

In another edition
of "That's Stupid,"

we're gonna look
at television commercials

and the dumb questions
they ask, like,

"Do you need a pain reliever
that works?"

"Impotence got you down?"

"Constipation a problem"?

"Is it hard to meet a girl
with acne?"

No, I meet them all the time.

And I heard one the other day,
"What do you want

from a bank in regards
to your checking account?"

That's an easy one, gang.
Mistakes in our favor. Right?

Hey, let's put some stuff
in the time capsule

to show future generations
just how dumb we were.

I think this sport coat
would be a good one.

What do you think about that?

Also, this E.T. Christmas sock.

Now, gang this
is a juxtaposition

of two magical people
who fly past the moon.

Now, Santa Claus needed
them reindeer to fly.

Why did E.T. drag all them kids
on them bikes?

You didn't ask that question
during the movie, did you?

No. Why? 'Cause you love
the movie, don't you?

Well, I won't say nothing more
about E.T. then.

Also in the time capsule,

this edition of Frankie Valli
singing "Walk Like A Man,

Talk Like A Man,"
sung like a woman.

Okay. Let's go on back
to the computer.

It's been burning up its diodes
thinking up new things

to predict for the future.

Now, the computer says...
in the future,

children will have
a volume knob.

And we'll be able
to turn them up,

and turn them down.

The computer also says
that 3D television

is just around the corner
so soon we'll all be

able to hit Howard Cosell
right in the nose.

I think also if we have
3D television

the best two things on it
are gonna be

"The Dolly Parton Show."

Oh, I wanted to ask you
this one thing.

Why do you think television
makes so many shows

designed for dumb people?

Dumb people would watch shows
designed for smart people

just out of curiosity to see
what smart people are up to.

Dumb people ain't stupid,
they're just dumb.

Smart people watch shows
designed for dumb people.

That's stupid.

Hey, gang! Guess what?
What a great idea.

Today "That's Stupid"
looks at government!

But what are we doing here
at the courthouse?

Government in the United States
takes place

at the shopping center.

Oh, I hope I have enough cord
to get to the shopping center.

We're, uh, we're here
at the shopping center now

just talking to everyday people,
the little people.

There's one right there.

Uh, this is the show
"That's Stupid."

I was wondering, is...
did you ever see anything

stupid in government?
I mean, do you find

the government stupid?

You said it for me.

But do you think the people
that you meet

at a shopping center
are so smart?

-Kmart shoppers are the smartest
people in the world.
-[laughs]

Do you think that the government
is stupid?

Well, not completely, just don't
use their heads at all.

Listen, I've been talking to
people about the government.

-Do you think
the government is stupid?
-I don't know.

Do you find
the government stupid?

Well, I don't think it's stupid,
but I don't agree all the time.

Now, you heard what the people
had to say

about America and democracy
out at the shopping center.

They said there's no choice
in this election.

They're all politicians.

Now, I got to laugh at
politicians, don't you, gang?

They call each other
the honorable this

and the honorable that.

You know why they keep
saying "honorable"?

It's to remind them.

Now, they also say,
"The honorable such and such

and his lovely wife."

And you look at her
and you can see

these guys are used to lying
all day long.

Now, the president says

he's gonna eliminate fraud
in government.

Where were these people
gonna work, gang?

Well, so much
for things political.

It's not too much fun,

even though they do
call them parties.

Now, nobody wrote me
and asked me the difference

between a weed and a flower.

So I'm ready to tell you,
so I'll tell you anyway.

If you pull it out
and it grows back, it's a weed.

If you water it
and it dies, it's a flower.

But you knew that.

Now, nobody asked me
about my family either,

so I'm just gonna have
to show you my dad on my own.

There he is.

Now, I want you
to go off to bed,

sleeping a little bit
tighter tonight,

knowing that the Federal Reserve
has about a dollar

to a dollar and a quarter
in cash

for every 100 dollars
that you have in savings.

So it's a good thing
you don't have your money

in a money market fund
'cause that ain't insured.

[laughs] Hey, let's put
something in the time capsule,

just one thing this time,
the Susan B. Anthony dollar

seems to epitomize
all federal programs.

Don't you think that way, huh?
It's a real winner.

Now, I wanna talk to you
about a possible loser, gang.

The bald eagle is in danger
of extinction.

The bald eagle
is our national symbol.

It's on our money,
it's on our flag poles,

it's on the seal
of the presidency.

Now, we've always dug the eagle
because he was alive,

because he was strong,
because he was free.

He seems to be able to live
everywhere in the United States,

-but in the wild.
-[gunshot]

...looks at restaurants.
And am I glad,

because I've always thought
restaurants were really stupid.

You get so little
and you pay so much.

Especially places like this.
They make such a big deal

out of everything
they bring over to your table.

Put one shrimp on a plate,
scurry over, give you that.

When you eat that
they'll go get you another one.

They give you these too so
you'll play with it a long time.

Before you ever get it
to your mouth,

they'll have time to scurry
to the other tables.

It almost ain't American,
that little bit of food

that they bring you. You have
to buy two, three meals

'cause that's how many
it'll take to get full.

That's stupid.

You go into a restaurant
and you wanna talk,

which is a good reason
to go into a restaurant.

You don't wanna eat in there.
It costs too much.

You go into an empty restaurant,
say just two people,

you wanna talk.
Where do they put you, gang?

Next to the only other
two people in there.

And then they say things like,
"You can't sit over there.

That section is closed." Like
it's some other foreign country

and you need a passport
to get over there.

"That section is closed"
is just restaurant talk

for "We don't wanna walk."

[all] That's stupid!

I saw this thing on TV
the other day

where you could be
a surgical assistant

in just a week or two.
I hope restaurant people

don't see that ad and go down
there with their attitude.

You might be laying
on the surgical table and, uh,

and the surgeon wants a scalpel

and your restaurant
kind of a person says,

"I'm sorry,
that ain't my table."

Oh, I'll tell you who really
runs around for you,

is these people at the
health food restaurants.

They have to get the food quick
to your table before it rots.

I'm on a macrobiotic diet
myself.

I only eat macaroni.

[both] That's stupid.

Here's a place
where I could eat out.

I'll just, uh,
come on over here.

Uh, oh, here's a good idea,
guys.

You know, your woman wants to go
out to eat every so often.

Tell her you're on
a "let's go out to eat" diet.

Every time she wants
to go out to eat,

you say, "No, let's diet."
You stay at the house,

you save a lot of money,
and I tell you,

every time she wants
to go out to eat,

you could probably stand
not eating at all.

In fact, I think
I'll just order now.

Uh, could I, uh...
Waitress, please? Um...

I'd like to order.
Uh, thank you.

Uh, oh, boy,
one of the good ones.

Um, you know,
every time I order,

I'm always surprised
at what they bring out.

I'd rather just order
what I know I'm gonna get.

That way I'm not surprised.

Uh, I'll have a bent fork,
please.

A dull knife, a soup spoon
for my coffee

with that little circle smear
right in the middle

where something's dried,
you know how that goes.

My coffee bitter, please,
and a chipped cup

or a lipstick smear,
I'm not particular. You know me.

A glass of water, please,
cloudy or tepid.

A salad, yes, a salad,
mostly lettuce,

you know how you like to do,
cheap, cheap, cheap.

Don't put anything in there--
Oh, red.

You put a little red in there,
either a tomato if you want to,

or a radish.

Now that can be either
that sloppy lettuce

on the outside of the ball,

or that really tight yellow
stuff on the inside.

Now, I'll take a piece of meat,
it doesn't matter what.

You're going to deep-fat fry it,
it'll taste just like fish.

I'll order corn,
you bring mixed vegetables.

They all taste the same.

Uh, let me see, and, um...
a dirty look. Thank you.

Oh, uh, excuse me.
Do you have spaghetti racquets?

Oh, good. I'll take that.

Thank you.

Hey, gang.

It ain't the chemicals in meat.

It's the price that'll kill you.
See ya.

Hi, gang. Let's have a cup
of coffee

and talk about restaurants.

Now, what's my major beef?

I think it's that they can put
whatever they want to

on the menu, like, say,
ham and cheese,

and then bring whatever they
think a ham and cheese is.

Now, I bought 25 ham and cheese
sandwiches today.

Now, here's one for $3.95.

Now, does that look like $3.95
to you?

I don't know.
To tell you the truth,

most sandwiches I bought today
cost $3.95.

Here's another one. Now, this
is that big old hunk of ham,

and then that hunk of cheese

and then another hunk of ham
kind of sandwich.

Some people like that
and might want that one

for $3.95 instead of this one.

If this was chocolate,
this would, like, be M&Ms

and this would be a Chunky.

It's up to you,
what kind do you like?

Well, look at this.
Say you only got $1.95.

You could have this
fine little sandwich here,

worth every penny of it.

But if you only got $1.95,
that's the one you gotta buy.

If you got $4.25,
you get this sandwich here.

I guess $4,25-- Ooh,
gets you that sauce in there.

But that's that sprinkled up
kind of loosey old ham there.

And you can, for $4.85, though,
you get this one here.

Isn't this strange?
For, uh, just a little bit more,

you get all of this lettuce,
if you like that kind of stuff.

I don't know.
Now, look here.

Say you come out with $5.

And you get stuff
that you don't eat

and leave in there and do you
really want that anyway?

So it's kind of hard to tell.
They can just bring you

whatever they consider to be
a ham and a cheese.

Well, I say if they can do that,
then we ought to be able

to pay for it with whatever
we consider to be money.

Right, gang? I'm gonna put all
of these sandwiches

right over here
in the time capsule

and see if they last
until the next eon.

Now, I'm also gonna put in
a pair of ud-- edible underwear.

[laughs] I almost
couldn't say it.

That's two for 69.

Now, the computer was gonna do
a prediction today

about restaurants, but I decided
to do it instead.

'Cause I have a real good idea.

You know if you work
for a restaurant,

later on you never
wanna eat there

'cause you're sick of the food.

Well, I think by the year 2000,
half of the United States'

will have worked for McDonald's,

so I think they're gonna go out
of business.

You only need half of the people
to have worked there

to ruin it for everybody,
'cause you probably go out

two at a time, and one says,
"Let's go to McDonald's,"

and the other one says,
"No, I used to work there.

I hate the food."
So, anyway, I've invented this.

What do you think of this?
This is a hankie shirt.

Now, when you take a kid
out to eat,

he also learns some manners
and you know some kids

like to blow their nose
on their shirt.

So I made this little thing
here, it's a hankie shirt.

See, it's kind of
a little t-shirt

that he can blow his nose on,
or she can blow her nose on.

And you get the same feeling
like you're blowing your nose

on a shirt, except it's kind of
a little handkerchief.

And it matches
and it's just so cute.

You're probably wondering
how I made this

so that it matched
and everything.

Well, that's just
my little secret.

[bell ringing]

Hello, boys and girls.

Today "That's Stupid"
goes to school!

School, where you go to learn
to communicate,

and all they ever tell you
is, "No talking."

Boy, am I glad I went to school
when I was a kid,

'cause I could never
put up with it now.

I don't know how you kids do it.
It's so dumb down there,

the home ec teachers
are divorced,

the shop teachers don't
have all of their fingers.

I used to get in so much trouble
at school for acting smart.

Isn't that dumb?
Then I'd play hooky too.

You know what happens
if they catch you playing hooky?

They kick you out.
Real smart, huh, gang?

He won't come,
we won't let him.

I guess I was kind of weird,
though.

I used to wear my socks
over my shoes

so when my laces came untied,
I didn't trip over them.

I still think
that's a good idea.

Hi, boys and girls.
I'm Mr. Gallagher,

and today we're going
to talk about spelling

here at "skool."
See how I spelled it?

I spelled it "skool"
and not "school,"

like they make you at school.

How many learned the rule
"I before E except after C"?

Well, forget it.
Because it doesn't work.

All of these words
never heard about that rule.

Agencies, beige,
efficient.

Even science didn't hear
about the rule

"I before E except after C."

Look, Albert couldn't
even have spelled his name

if he had gone by that rule.

Don't we all fudge that rule
a little bit, gang,

whenever we have
a word like this?

Let's write "science."
Don't we go,

"S-C" and then kind of an "I"

and kind of an "E,"

and then the "N" and then
the "C" and the "E."

And you dot it somewhere
in the middle.

We know your trick,
don't we?

Let's change the language,

but it's evolved
by accident.

Maybe we could just change it
that way, gang.

Let's take the word "meat."

Maybe some caveman came back
to the cave one day

and saw something cooking
and said, "Me eat."

And then they just
made it "meat."

Or the word "lollygagging"
always seemed strange to me.

Sounds like some guy's got Lolly
and he's gagging her again!

Or how about the word
"loincloth"?

What a funny word.
Why did they call it that?

It doesn't cover your loin,
does it?

How many know it's because
that's the cleanest word

in the area they could use?

How do you abbreviate
"Episcopalian"?

Who knows, gang?

Hey, look at the word
"scuttlebutt."

Doesn't that sound like someone
has stole your rear end?

Then you'll have to go
to a retailer.

Isn't language fun?

Look, here's the word
"seniority."

How many Spanish people think

that means something different
than it does?

Probably you do.

Well, gang, that was a little
excursion into language today.

It's a funny place.
Cargo goes by ship,

shipments go by trucks,
trucks go by train.

None of this makes any sense.
It's our English language.

I guess they call it
a wet suit...

because you can't go
to the bathroom.

See, it really does make sense.

Although the word "recession"

sounds like it should be
a lot more fun.

Isn't recess fun?

And I wonder why do they call
Saturday and Sunday the weekend

when Saturday is first
in the TV Guide

and Sunday is first
in the calendar?

Well, don't look too closely
at your language.

You might find
these problems too.

Just sit down
and watch the TV set.

Wonder why they call it a set?
You only get one.

-Oh, I wish I was absent.
-[bell rings]

Attention, class.
It's show and tell time.

Yep, we finally got something
in the mail here

on "That's Stupid."

We got some slides
from John Hadley

from Norman, Oklahoma.

John calls this "shoes
for people on the way up."

Here's "shoes for people
on the way down."

Here's "parallelograms."

"Errors." "A fur coat
and a further coat."

Hey, gang, let's put some fun
stuff in the time capsule.

What do you say?
How about this?

There's them Bo Derek braids.
I wanna show people

in the future that they
were popular one time.

It's kind of embarrassing
now that we look at 'em.

Ain't it, gang? Really.

And here's an Oakland Raider
t-shirt.

I still call them that,
don't you?

That'll be real rare one day.

Now, gang, I needed some
Fizzies and some Flav-R-Straws

to put in there, so if you
got 'em at your house,

send them along.

Now, it's almost time
for school to be out,

so let's summarize.

I think we can all agree
that school is where you go

to waste your time until you're
old enough to get a boring job.

If you're in school now,
I want you to stay there

'cause there ain't no jobs
out here.

Now, I want you kids
to take your time too.

Don't make any big decisions
till your wisdom teeth come in.

See, brains are okay
if you think you need 'em.

I want you to remember the story

of the grasshopper
and the ant too.

Do you know it?
Well, all summer long,

the grasshopper played
while the ant worked really hard

and saved his food.
Then when winter came,

the grasshopper ate the ant
and stole his food.

Good story, huh, gang?

Now I want all of you teenagers
into alcohol out there

to leave yourself
something for middle age.

And all of you adolescents
into sex,

I want you to take a tip
from your parents.

It is possible to live
with somebody and love them

without having sex.

Today, "That's Stupid" looks
at unemployment.

But we're not gonna do it on
this side of the street, gang.

'Cause we're gonna be asking
some questions

like, why is there
so much unemployment

when there's so much work to do?

And why can't you get
unemployment when you're sick?

Don't you need it then
worse than any time?

Now, we ain't blaming nobody.

We're just asking questions
here on "That's Stupid."

-I don't think you can put this
on camera.
-All right. Okay.

-Then we will. That's okay.
-But when I was here
in July,

I was sitting down
and a man exposed himself.

Truly, in that very office
over there.

You know, he was reading
a newspaper,

and I was sitting next to him
and the newspaper was shaking.

-Was it the want ads?
-[laughs]

Well, if you could change
the unemployment system,

what would you do?

I'd have a revolution.
You have to have a revolution.

-The only way you
can change it.
-[laughing]

If you could change the system,
what would you do?

How would you change it around?

What I would do,
I'd say, uh,

-give all the old folks $500
apiece. [laughs]
-Uh-huh.

When will this finally
lift out,

and this unemployment problem
be gone?

Apparently, when, uh,
communism take over.

When communism...
Will that be later this year?

No, it'll be about 1984.

Well, I'm not unemployed.

-Well, you...
-[laughs]

Well, that's just today.
You don't know about

what's coming up
at the end of the week.

-You're right.
-You never know.

I never knew, you know.

Well, as the sun goes down,
we close another show,

this one on unemployment.

We hope you see the humor
in our location

for the end of the show
and we hope you don't

see unemployment as a dead end,
but kind of just

a curve in the tracks and
heading out to something new.

We hope that you like
this new thing here,

this show about stupidity.

I don't really know
what it's about.

It's kind of the human things
we all do that are stupid.

I can't think of any examples
right now.

But I do have some examples
for the time capsule.

I think that the future should
know that we once had

an Ethel Merman disco album.

Yes, that we
were that dumb once.

Also, from the comedy computer
here,

a can of Billy Beer
I think is also good.

You know, gang, if I can be
serious for just a moment,

one thing that affected me
about this show

on unemployment was realizing
that those people

down at unemployment
are gonna be the last ones

to lose their job. [laughs]

It just affected me.

Now I wonder why do we even
charge income tax

to federal and civil employees
like that?

Don't we pay 'em in tax?
Aren't we just taking out

a little bit of something
we're gonna give back to them

in the next paycheck, making
work for some bookkeeper?

If we support them people,
why don't they just

tell us which one we support,
and we'll write 'em a check?

Or give them cash
in an envelope. They love that.

Or give them a call,
talk to them,

see if they really work,
see what they do.

Do you know that 70 percent
of Americans

don't believe they'll be
any honey in the pot

when they go to dip in
and get their Social Security?

Well, they ought to call it
"So-so Security."

As long as we got missiles,
I feel secure.

In fact, I think that it ought
to be okay for Americans

to kind of band together
and test their national defenses

on their own, just to see
if we're on our toes.

Kind of sneak up
to a federal facility

just, oh, until they say,
"Who goes there?"

Then just say,
"Hollywood Lions Club."

And they say, "Okay, cool,
thanks. We needed that."

[both] That's stupid.

I think this would be
appropriate here on this show

about unemployment,
our president said,

"There's plenty of jobs
in the paper."

He also said, "I think
ten percent unemployment

is encouraging. It means
90 percent are employed."

I don't think I'll go
into politics.

Today, "That's Stupid"
looks at, guess what, gang?

Products! Pre-trash.

Yes, a product
is what they call it

when they want you
to pay top dollar.

Trash is what they call it
when they need bottom fill.

There's some good stuff
out here, gang.

Can you believe all of this?

I can't believe that this thing
is worthless.

Look at all them gears
and everything.

Good money out here
at the trash pile.

Let's look
at some household stuff.

You all have this
around your house, don't you?

It's hard to throw it away,
somebody finally did.

How about an ice tray?
You've got them, don't you?

Plastic nowadays,
don't need this aluminum.

How about the dish...
you hardly ever throw that away.

You put it underneath the sink
where the rag gets real stiff

and dry hanging on the pipe.

Remember this? This is that part

you cut off of the dryer,
I think.

Then you save it
'cause you never know,

you might need that again.
I don't know.

And here's a shower curtain.

Hard to throw that away,
ain't it, gang?

Boy! There's some
really good stuff here.

I love these pants, don't you?

Look! This doll,
something about it I just like.

You know, I'll bet I can make
something out of this.

I better take this.

[engine sputtering,
revving]

Shopping, shopping, shopping,
shopping.

Products, products, products.
Buy, buy, buy.

If you don't have it,
you can buy it!

If you didn't get it... [laughs]
the first time around,

you can get it at one
of the stores.

Plastic, plastic, plastic.
It's a Frisbee world.

Buy it and then throw it away.

Frisbee's the perfect product,
gang.

You buy it, you throw it away.

Boomerang comes back,
you don't have to buy a new one.

Not such a good product.

Let's talk about stupid
products for just a minute.

A trashcan liner,
perfect product.

You buy it, you throw it away.

Oh, uh, toilet bowl cleaner.
Even a better product.

You flush it, it's gone.
Who's gonna complain?

Solar-powered reading lamp,
dumb product. Don't buy it.

Dog food where the flavor
matches the shape,

really stupid, gang.
Who eats... [laughs]

The dog doesn't eat
one at a time, does he? No.

Now, I got this smoke alarm
here.

There's a guarantee
on the back.

Real stupid.

If this don't work,
what's left, gang?

Now, I've modified this for you

to take to cocktail parties
with smokers.

If somebody comes up blowing
smoke, this thing just goes...

-[beeping]
-Now, if they persist,

I've modified this product.

You stick this over their head,

and they have to live
with what they put out.

Don't they, gang?

Now, for you kids, we got these
graham crackers right here.

You know what a dumb product
this is.

You open these things up,

take out a couple
of graham crackers,

and you can't fold this back up
airtight. Forget it.

Now, if you've got some drunks
in the house,

going home from the party,
you stick this on their head,

they don't bump into doors
and walls.

See, use your head.
It's an imaginative world.

Now, uh, here is a new product
I'm coming out with.

This is King Kong Potato Chips.
Bet you can't eat just one!

Hey, just kidding around, gang.

It's an American tradition
to kid around and invent stuff.

I invented this
thing right here.

Just fooling around.

I'm gonna put this
in the time capsule, though,

for future generations
to see how dumb we were.

Just to think maybe we might
have used something like that.

Also, going in the time capsule
this time

is the Gallagher album.
Boy, was that hot.

If you ain't got one,
forget it.

There goes the last one
along with the Gallagher doll.

Just fooling around today, gang.

You know, I'm surprised
that this, uh,

guy that put the strychnine
in the Tylenol

didn't have a sense of humor
and do something

just for the fun of it,
you know,

you know how Americans are.

Might just put Preparation H
in lipstick.

It wouldn't hurt nobody,
it'd just make 'em

do a whole bunch like this.

Now, we got a computer
right here

that's been programmed
with stupid information

about products to see
what it can predict

might come in the future.

Kick it out,
Mr. Japanese Computer! Hey!

It's a fortune cookie,
of course.

And it says, "In the future,
we will have transparent toys

so kids don't have to take 'em
apart to see how they work."

Hey, it's a Frisbee world.

I want all of you shoppers
to get out there

and do your shopping,
remember a penny saved

is just one more thing
you gotta carry around

in your pocket.

He who hesitates, still hasn't
found a parking space.

Even if all the computers
break down,

you can still count
on your fingers.

And garbagemen are always
at our disposal.

Here's the finest product
of all.

For those of you people
that have babies at home,

you know that as soon as you
wanna buff your shoes,

the kids run off
with all of the rags.

And these work just fine.

See ya at the next sale, gang.

That works real good.

[birds chirping]

Hi, gang.

Today "That's Stupid" looks
at...

...laws, laws, laws,

laws!

If the law made any sense,
that'd be one thing, gang.

But in the state of New York,
a blue law says

you can't buy bibles
on Sunday.

But you can buy Playboy
and other interview magazines.

While in the state
of North Carolina,

it's illegal to sing off-key.

Key... Key...

We came way out here, gang,
in an attempt to get away

from the stupid laws
of the land.

Why, in Alabama, there's a town
that prohibits the driving

of a motorboat
down a city street.

Nor are you allowed
to fish from said vehicle.

In Zion, Illinois,
you can't give a lighted cigar

to a dog, a cat,
or any domesticated animal,

but you can give one
to a gorilla.

In Portland, Oregon, a minister
cannot perform a wedding

at a skating rink
or a movie theater.

In Norman, Oklahoma,

it's illegal to make
an ugly face at a dog.

And in Tucson, Arizona,

it's illegal for any
visiting football team

to tote, carry, punt, pass,
kick or in any other way

convey an inflated pigskin
across the goal line

of the University of Arizona.

Go, go, go, go, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
Go, go, go, stop, stop, stop!

Laws, laws, laws, laws, laws,
laws, laws, laws!

Laws, laws, laws. It seems
like everywhere you go,

you can't be there.

It's either public property
and they got guards and rules

or private propert-- property,
and they got dogs.

Where in the world can you be
in the world?

I don't know, wherever it is,
it's probably stupid.

Just like us. Don't we fit
this stupid world, gang?

When it's raining,
we hold out our hand,

and see if it's raining
over there.

Even though the rain's
hitting us on the head.

It's just the way we are.
We're just stupid old people.

I have some other examples
of stupidity,

but I can't think
of them right now.

Oh, yeah. Here.
Sometimes you go up to a door

and it says "P-U-L-L"
and you "P-U-S-H."

And that's dumb. Or sometimes
you can "P-U-S-H"

or "P-U-L-L."
I guess the world is dumb.

You can go any way you want to.

I can't believe there's any laws
in this world.

People are so different,
how can you tell them how to be?

I mean, if a homosexual male
goes out with a married woman,

is that wrong?

If your woman leaves you
for another woman,

should you hold the door
for both of them?

See, it's pretty confusing.

I was watching TV the other day

and they had a lot
of public service announcements

during the movie late at night.

And I thought, gee,
this is nice.

And then I says, no, that's
stupid. Who's watching these?

They ought to have them on
in the afternoon,

in the early evening,
when they can do some good.

Boy, I bet you some politician
puffed himself up real big

the day they come up
with that law.

"The TV must have a certain
percentage of the day

to public service
announcements."

And then what happened?
They just stuck it near the end

and didn't do no good
at all.

You got to keep your eye out for
stupidity in this world, gang.

We can't change it much
'cause we don't have any money.

You got to have money
to change the laws.

You got to have lobbyists,
which is stupid too.

What are they doing,
holding the government out

in the lobby anyway?

You couldn't get the Ten
Commandments through Congress

if Moses was buying drinks.

"Thou shalt not
bear false witness,"

it'd be opposed
by the National Enquirer.

"Thou shalt not take the name
of the Lord in vain"

would be opposed by the coaches
and the fans and the players.

And "Thou shalt not
commit adultery"

would never get out of the House
of Representatives, gang.

You look for stupidity
in high places now.

I went to traffic court
the other day

and I told the judge I'd like
to go to traffic school

and he says, "Okay, Gallagher.
But you better not be late."

And I said, "Judge,
that's the same kind of thinking

that got me here.

You of all people should
be saying,

'Gallagher, your safety,
your health

is the most important thing.

Just get there
whenever you can

and we'll talk
about safety then.'"

See, watch out
for these kind of things.

Now, gang, be smart
in the face of stupidity.

Why don't they take all them
busses that they're dragging

the kids to the wrong schools in
and take the drunks home

from the bars at night.
Good idea, gang?

How about a law against these
kind of keys at the gas station,

they put them on such a big log
you can't even...

And carry them around!

Well, you put me
in charge someday,

and I'll change it
just to suit you guys.

Let's go on back
to the computer.

I think it's got a prediction
for, uh, for this show.

Computer, tell us,
what do you see in the area--

Oh! The old fortune cookie
went right on the floor.

And here's what it says
for today.

It says that history
is circular,

that all things that went around
come around again.

So y'all remember that the...
the '90s, the Gay '90s,

well, they're coming around
again, so watch out.

[laughs] Gang... ah.
I want to show you some stuff

we're gonna put in the time
capsule for today's show.

Number one, we're gonna
put in a pocket copy

of the Constitution
of the United States,

just to make people in the
future think that we read this

or even cared about it.

I read it and I found out
that income tax

is not mentioned
in here anywhere, gang.

So if you don't wanna pay it,
it's okay.

Tell 'em I said so.

And also if you have any ideas
on stuff to put in

to the time capsule,
just send it in.

Here's an idea I had,
so if you have this idea,

don't send it in.

Uh, also, this hangar
I've already got.

Did you get that joke
when I had it in the back?

Well, it doesn't matter.
You can get it in another show.

Well, gang, it's about time
for me to get out of here.

I wanted to tell you that I
needed a bacon straightener

and a dice cup
for my next show.

So go ahead and send that in
and let's see.

What else did I need, uh...
Uh...

Oh, yeah. Hair.

If you have any hair,
send it in.

Hi, gang. Today "That's Stupid"
looks at... humans.

Oh, just the little, silly,
stupid things we do

when we almost walk into people.

Or say we have a handkerchief
and we drop it,

we go to pick it up and somebody
else is being polite

and they put their head down
and then you bang your head.

We're just dumb, old humans.

We stick our finger
in the fan to see if it hurts,

and then maybe there's this
match burning in the ashtray

and we wanna help and so we...
blow it out.

We're just so dumb. Well, just
look at how we're built.

And we're almost
kind of built stupid.

Would you put a wet, drainy
thing like your nose

upside down over your mouth?

And don't you wish we was kind
of built like these mannequins

and our arms came off
at night when we went to bed?

They always fall asleep
before I do.

I wish I could just pick it up
and then just take her off

and hang it up.

Well, I wonder, what would you
hang the other one up with?

Oh, well, I don't
have this all figured out.

But I sure have plenty
of questions.

Like, oh, your knee.

If your knee bent the other way,
what would a chair look like?

And look at your feet, gang.

Your feet just don't do
the job right, do they?

They look like God got bored
near the end here

and made your foot up to here
and somebody said,

"How you gonna make them
stand up?"

And he just said, "Oh, I'll just
bend the leg over, you know."

If feet were any good,
we wouldn't need this big stand

to make him stand up.

A Christmas tree stands up
better than we do, gang.

'Cause it has support
in all four directions.

We got our support
in the same direction.

You hit a human any way
but from the back,

they're on their butt.
Oh, well.

The hand, though.
The hand is perfect.

God, in his infinite wisdom,

knew we'd need something
just this size

to clean out our ear, this one
here goes right up your nose,

this one's for the wedding,
and this one, of course,

is for the divorce.

Talk about leaving.
Check this out, gang.

Boy, if this was
a bathroom rug,

you'd pitch it out.

You guys don't know.

It's heck to hit your head
and have it show.

You just don't know.

You... you know.

You I like.

And you...

I resemble.

You people probably
don't figure that.

Look at his hair
and look at mine.

But I used to look like that.

Look at him right here.

Wonder what that was.
Was that my temporary hair?

My baby hair? Well, it certainly
was a temporary social life.

You just miss out on a lot
of loving having a head

that looks like this, gang.
You figure it out.

If the hair fell out
of your dog,

would you want to pet him? No.

Hey, guy, you wanna go out
and find some girls?

You wanna find some girls?
Plastered.

Hey, you're up. You wanna go out
and find some girls?

What do you say,
you wanna find some girls?

You wanna stay here? Well, then
you won't need this drink.

Let's just head out.
What do you say?

Well, here's the girls.

I think they're attracted
to my cowboy clothes.

But I think they're dumb,
don't you, gang?

Let's start with the hat.

Now, if you was a cowboy
and you're gonna ride

a horse in the wind
underneath some branches,

would you wear something
with a big, wide brim?

Heck no. Cowboy ought to wear
a football helmet.

This is for parties,
isn't it, girls?

You wear this at an angle
with some flowers right here.

And look at these shoes.

Big, high heels
and a pointed toe?

No wonder a cowboy
is a swaggering bully.

You've got to fight
in these boots

'cause you can't run.

Big, old high-heeled boots
and a party hat.

And a scarf. I think the
sexual confusion in America

is not in San Francisco,
it's in Dallas.

And here's some other
dumb stuff too, gang.

Look at this, leg warmers.

Now, if this is cold,
ain't this cold?

And this down vest. If this
is cold, ain't this cold?

I used to think both of these
were dumb,

but now that I see
them together alone,

I like this outfit. Try it.

But don't try this. I'm glad you
quit wearing this completely.

I can't believe that women
used to clip these in the front

and then grind them around
until the early '60s.

Don't buy this no more, girls.

And don't buy this either.

Don't buy these
silly looking robes

to wear around the house.

You see this enticing
looking woman,

ready for an evening's
entertainment?

Well, you put this on her...

Look at that attitude.
She's going to bed alone.

Girls, if you're done with sex
for the rest of your life,

wear this robe.

Or this robe.

[drum hit]

That's our show
for today, gang.

"That's Stupid" looks at humans.

Both boy humans
and girl humans.

I hope I was fair
to both of the sexes.

If I wasn't, remember,
I'm only human.

I hope you weren't offended
when I had my shirt off,

but you gotta remember:
in the beginning,

man was naked.

Which is a great way to start
a story, isn't it?

Gets you right off.
Got me right off.

How many know the first article
of clothing

that was ever invented?
Too late. It was shoes.

Shoes have been around about
as long as there's been

something around to step in.

There's almost always been
something around to step in.

Especially back
in dinosaur times.

Now, shoes comes
from the popular expression

of that time: "Shoo!
What's that on your shoe?"

And who knows what was invented
right after shoes?

Pants! Pants were invented. Why?

'Cause man felt stupid standing
around nude in his shoes.

And pants were invented
by Ishmael's brother Levi

from the land of Jordache.

Hey, we wanna be stylish here
on "That's Stupid."

So we wanna make a comment
on the latest

"I love this and that
and the other city."

Here's our New York edition
of that stupidity.

Now, for all of you
fellow dish owners,

I'm going to tell you
some of the--

some of the movies that are
on the satellite tonight.

We have Tight Spot:
The Story of Dean Martin's Dog,

I Saw What You Did:
Joan Crawford Scolds Her Cat,

and, uh,
The Six Million Dollar Mermaid:

Victor Mature and Esther
Williams fall deeper in love,

as the tail unfolds.

Hey, the computer's been hot
all day,

digesting stupid information to
come up with a stupid prediction

about what kind of
a stupid future

we're all gonna be living in.

Here it comes.
A Japanese computer

puts out a fortune cookie,
of course.

And it says that doctors
will prevail,

man will live
to be 200 years old,

toilets will become extinct,

because we'll all just pee dust.

Hey, that's something
to look forward to.

Ain't it, gang?
Now, into the time capsule

for forever to keep
is the ceramic watermelon.

With whatever you want
to call it up on top.

Do you believe I got
two of these for Christmas?

Don't send me anymore.
In fact, I'm sending this one

into the future in the Styrofoam
time capsule.

This will be here
when we're all gone.

Well, as my dad used to say,
when all is said and done,

sit down and shut up.

So I'll just go ahead
and do that and say good-- Oh!

Ladies first.

Hi, gang. What a trip!

Today "That's Stupid"
looks at the airline.

I thought I got a great idea.

I'll just take a job
with the airline

and see what it's like to deal
with the American public.

Maybe it ain't that easy, boy,

getting a dollar off of these
people the hard way.

Maybe if we worked
for the airline,

we'd start developing
an attitude like they have

for our personal property
and our stuff.

You don't know what it's like
dealing

with the general public
every day.

It might be pretty damn
difficult.

But then I says, no,
that's too much like work.

I got a couple
of bucks now.

I'll just buy me a ticket
and take a plane trip myself

and see what it's like from
the passenger's point of view.

I could use, uh,
an extra dollar.

It's very expensive
traveling these days.

So I guess I'll...
I'll see you.

I'm just gonna...
just gonna go now.

Bye!

You know how one little thing
will sometimes mess up

a whole trip? Well, I'm up there
at the ticket counter

and he says to me, "Are you
a smoker or a nonsmoker?"

I thought, what a strange thing
to be defined

by what it is I don't do.

I don't wet my seat.
They don't ask me that.

"Are you a wetter
or non-wetter?"

I just tell them,
if it's a DC-10,

I'm a wetter. [laughs]

Well, I feel better now
just telling you.

So I'll just go
and get on the plane.

I just wanted to say
one last thing,

'cause we didn't have a really
good goodbye last time.

So... goodbye!

Go in!

Now that's two things.

They want me to take my hat off
at the metal detector.

I went through the metal
detector and it didn't go ding.

I told her it didn't go ding,
and she still says,

"Take off your hat."
I said, "Why?"

She says, "You might be hiding
something in there."

I said, "I might be hiding
something in my pants too.

If I take off my hat, I'm gonna
drop my pants." [laughs]

Well, I told her that.

But I'm still going
on the plane.

That's just a little thing.
I can handle it.

I'm going away. This traveling's
harder than it looks.

See ya! Bye!

Would you look
at this suitcase!

I was sitting on the plane,

I watched it go up
the conveyer belt,

I couldn't believe it!

There she stood too.
The stewardess told me,

the girl that works at the metal
detector that I made mad

'cause I wouldn't
take off my hat

is married to the guy
in baggage.

It's all a little thing,
I don't care.

It's peripheral, it's the pilot
and the plane that's important.

I'll still go on the trip.
I'll tell you what's stupid.

It's just peripheral.
Pilot and plane.

The pilot has a lisp.

It's not a big lisp,
it's just one of those,

[lisping] "Passengers
take your seats."

And I thought, oh, no.
What if he flies like he talks?

Too late, he's already into,

[lisping] "Welcome
to Sun Airlines,

service to San Francisco,
Spokane and Seattle."

I thought, oh, no.

He said, "Fasten your
seatbelts."

I says, yeah, 'cause we're
coming [lisping] sliding

down the runway, 'cause
somebody spit all over

the steering wheel. [laughs]

I hope I live
through this thing, gang.

See ya,
I'm taking this plane anyway.

Touchdown!

You know, gang,
there's a thing I say

about giving all the houses
out by the airport

that nobody wants to live in
'cause it's too loud

to deaf people.

But as you can see, they've
already taken them houses

and thrown them away someplace.

So if you like the idea,
forget it.

Now, we're out here at LAX
to show you

that in Los Angeles
nobody sits out and watches

the planes take off and land.

Why? 'Cause it's stupid.

In fact, that's a good judge
of whether or not

your town is stupid.

If you go out to the airport
and you notice that people

are there watching the planes
take off and land,

you should move.

Well, that's our show for today
about airports

and the stupidity therein.

I only have one more comment
and that's about airline seats.

I saw this advertisement
for an unknown airline,

which said that the human body
was not made to fit

in a normal airline seat.

So they had redesigned the seat

and it was available only
in first class.

Now, my mama told me if you
don't have enough for everybody,

don't get it out.

The people in coach got
human bodies too, don't they?

Now, I'm sitting up
in first class the other day

and something stupid happened to
me I wanted to tell you about.

I'm sitting there and a guy
puts his foot up here

with his sock.

His sock in first class!

I don't wanna give him
the satisfaction

of telling him how stupid
he is.

So I just get him back
in like kind.

Take off my shoe,
take off my sock,

and hang it over the back
of my chair.

He got the idea, gang,
and you can, uh,

you can fight back
that way too.

Now, here's how I got
the airlines the other day.

I brought 'em two suitcases
and I says,

"Can you take this one
and send it to Miami,

and send this one to Denver?"

They says,
"No, we can't do that."

I said, "You did it yesterday."

Got 'em back, didn't I, gang?

Now, I picked on everybody
but the pilots,

'cause I don't wanna pick
on them.

They're really in charge
of our baggage, gang.

In fact, of all the people
that we tip on a trip,

I think the pilot's the one
ought to get it first.

Now, the cab drivers out
at the airport

get a tip too and they're
kind of our pilots.

But ain't none of them
from this country.

And that's real stupid.

I get in a cab
and most of the guys

have a name that's only spelled
with vowels.

Some kind of a Mr. Diphthong
and he don't know this country

let alone your neighborhood.

You write me and tell me if you
don't think that's stupid too.

I just wanna show you
that your fearless leader here

in the war on stupidity has just
as many problems as you do.

Now, nobody's been writing me,
so the letter for today

comes from me.

And the letter says, uh...
Of course I wrote it.

"Why don't you talk
about that umbrella

upside down satellite dish
that sends your signal

out into space about stupidity
here on earth?

Why don't you mention
your Japanese computer

that synthesizes all
the stupid information

and projects it
into the future?"

Well, I answer by saying
my audience is so smart,

they don't even have to hear
about this stuff.

Now, the computer does have one
prediction for today.

And it puts it out in the form,
of course,

of a fortune cookie.

Fortune cookie says...

that sometime in the future here

what with rising postal costs
and diminishing airfares,

it will soon be cheaper
to take your mail

to your friend in person
on the plane.

Okay. There's been some
confusion lately

about how "That's Stupid"
stands on the space program.

Let's look at a couple
of shots here.

I wanna tell you that we're
for going to the moon,

we don't think it's stupid
to waste our money on that.

In fact, "That's Stupid" thinks
that we wasted our money

on the best thing possible
when we went to the moon.

We don't think it's stupid
to put your foot in the dirt,

we don't think it's stupid
to drive your car around

or even leave it abandoned
on the moon.

But we do think it is
kind of dumb to pee on the flag

and it's dumb for Music
Television to show that slide

all of the time.

So write them and tell them.

Now, I think that, uh,
we should say something

about them little plastic wings
you get at the airport,

uh, if you're a kid
on the plane.

Number one: don't give anything
with points and pins

to children!
That's stupid!

Number two: we think there
ought to be a door

where you can get off
of the plane

with some grinning stewardess
that doesn't say,

"Bye now, have a nice day.
Bye now, have a nice day."

It's time for me
to get out of here now.

And, uh, that's my plane.

So I'll be seeing you later
somewhere else.

We'll be looking
for what's stupid!