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{\an1}APPLAUSE
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Thank you. You shouldn't have, but
you have.
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Welcome to Taskmaster with me, your
task master, Greg Davies.
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00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:41,380
People often ask me, "What if the
tables were turned?
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"How would you like it? How would
you feel?"
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'These are great questions, but it
will never happen, so stop asking
me!
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Because it's these people who are
taking on my tasks
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'for the ultimate honour of raising
aloft this handsome face-shaped
trophy.
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00:00:54,860 --> 00:00:57,620
Please welcome them. They are Iain
Stirling...
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00:00:58,780 --> 00:01:00,340
..Joe Thomas...
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Lou Sanders...
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00:01:02,220 --> 00:01:04,100
Paul Sinha...
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and Sian Gibson!
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APPLAUSE
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And here a man whose name doesn't
humiliate him
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anywhere near as much as his
personality!
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It is... Oooh!
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It's Alex Horne!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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No messing around. Straight into the
banter section.
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Alex leads this every week.
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Let's party!
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I've had my regular check-up at the
GP's. Yep?
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Things are looking good. I've got
the results. OK.
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Bloods, 100%. All blood, no milk.
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Vision, he said I look nice.
Weight, 100kg.
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Heart-rate, 100 BPM. He's rounded a
lot of them up.
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Cholesterol 100 KmPH,
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Doctor's favourite number, 100,
and I can start smoking.
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As long as I'm careful, as long as I
put it out before the orange bit,
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it's fine.
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Yep. Alright. Good.
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I've got no response to any of that!
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Are we starting with something
different today, Alex?
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Yes, we are. It's the prize task.
Yep.
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The category this week is the best
burstable item. Mm!
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Whichever Greg judges is the top of
the pops, will get five points.
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'At the end of the show, the winner
will take home all five burstable
items
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and go home with an inflated sense
of pride.
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We're going to start with Joe.
What was your burstable item?
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A grape.
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LAUGHTER
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'It's obvious now that there's a
sort of performative, entertainment
quality to this show,
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whereas I think I treated it more
as a sort of data entry.
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Can you burst a grape? You can crush
a grape.
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Sorry! No, no, thank you, Sian.
You do crush a grape.
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"Ooh, I could crush a grape!"
Simple.
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Do you think we can burst a grape?
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'I think if you pierce it with a pin,
it wouldn't burst, I don't think.
It wouldn't burst?
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Isn't... What about, um...
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Oh, I hate to bring it up. Hate to
bring it up. Literally, Keats.
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'Where I think he says "I would burst
against my palate fine"? That's a
grape.
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No. "Crush against my palate fine."
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Aw! That's literally the opposite of
what I should have done.
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Unforgivable. Is it "crush it
again"?
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No, of course it isn't!
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Paul. Uh, yes, Paul.
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'It's a gift from my auntie, my dad's
sister, who came to stay with us for
four long months last year.
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I've got a nephew and a niece.
The nephew's five years old.
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Likes balloons. So she bought him a
balloon.
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'Now, there's a lot of debate about
what you can and can't teach
five-year-old children,
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'but what I don't think you can do is
give them inflatable penises at
Christmas.
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It might be me, but do you see a
penis in that? No.
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No! No, that's just your mind!
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There might be a penis in his mouth!
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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Iain? It's a cuddly bear toy.
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That's a great prize.
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Now imagine it being burst!
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Actually, the joke's on you, because
that bear bursts into song!
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Oh! That's good.
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I was in bed, lying next to my
girlfriend,
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so I did record the song whilst
trying not to wake her.
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So the bear does sound like it's
creepily whispering.
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Do you want to hear it creepily
whisper?
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# Doo-doo-doo-doo
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# Doo-doo-doo-doo
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# Doo-di-di-doo
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# Di-di-doo-doo-doo! #
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LAUGHTER
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Yeah.
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'I think the thing that troubles me
most of all is how smug the bear's
face is.
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LAUGHTER
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OK. Lou?
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You know how nice it is to burst a
coffee pot?
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When you push through the thing at
the top?
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That's the best burst, famously.
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This is even better, cos it's a
creme brulee.
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It's a two-pronged burst, OK? OK.
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At the end of it, you've got coffee
and pudding.
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What am I bursting, Lou?
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The gold foil. The gold foil.
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I wouldn't do that. I'd run a spoon
round the outside,
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'I'd lift it off and I'd dispose of
it. He always does that. He does
always do that.
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He knows that! But I've gone the
extra mile.
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I've put a picture of you on the
creme brulee.
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LAUGHTER
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Are you suggesting that I'd burst
through the top of a creme brulee?
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No-one would say, "I can't wait to
burst into this creme brulee", Lou!
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They would in my family!
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What have you got, Sian, because
that's obviously shit!
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So, I did a 24-hour Zumbathon for
charity.
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Write that down.
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And I got blisters on my feet.
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You would have. On a Zumbathon,
you're gonna get loads.
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But I also got a blister on my
bottom.
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My husband, using gin, a kettle and
a needle...
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The classic trio!
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..burst the blister... I didn't know
you were married to MacGyver!
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Anyone outside of London is a
savage, aren't they?
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I've recreated it. That's not my
actual bum.
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Who doesn't want to burst that with
a pin? Come on!
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Looks very burstable. OK. Shall we
give some points out? Yes, OK.
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OK. You can't pop a creme brulee.
One point.
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No!
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That doesn't make sense!
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'You can't burst it. You can't burst
it. # You can't burst a creme
brulee. # One point!
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Joe, he was good, but not good
enough. Two points.
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'Three... Sorry, that bear's face
just irritated me. Three points for
Iain. What?!
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'I'm going to give the blister,
because it's the prince of burstable
things, five points.
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And I'm gonna give old Dip-Mag
four.
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There we go. Five points to Sian
Gibson!
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It was old but nice.
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Right, Alex, what do you have ready
for us?
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Here's a clue. It's a "lavarly"
little task.
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Wow.
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Hello, Joe. Hiya. How are you, Alex?
I'm good, thank you.
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Ooh.
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"Build the best volcano."
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"You have ten minutes to design your
volcano blueprint."
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"You then have 20 minutes to build
and demonstrate your volcano.
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"Your time starts...now."
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Um, what have I got to build with?
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We need cork, yeah?
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It's like bicarbonate of soda and
something.
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What's the kind of... The one
that... Like Mentos and cola?
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Is that a thing?
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Mentos, yeah?
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That'll go up like Christmas!
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If you burn sugar, does that erupt?
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That's your lava.
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Sorted... Red jelly. Red jelly.
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Then how do I make the "cano" bit?
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I'm gonna build...a mountain.
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With a hole.
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Can I get a volcano mould?
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Still thinking? Mm-hm.
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It's just a bit of pipe or
something, isn't it? Like, um...
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Like a vase.
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'I'm not sure exactly where the
Pringles tube comes into this,
but...
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I'm excited at that.
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So I'm gonna put that round and
then...
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Yes, that'll do.
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And that, my friend,
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is a volcano.
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Bye-bye. Bye-bye!
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APPLAUSE
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Lovely. Iain said at one point,
"How do I build the "cano" bit?
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'I'm just interested in your
distinction between "vol"
and "cano".
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I assumed that the "vol" that's your
liquid...
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..and the "cano" is the solid.
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Vol and cano. Thank you.
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I believe it was Keats that once...
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'First to the table is the
classically-trained volcano
impresario, Joe Thomas.
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Prepare. Right. Ooh. OK.
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Ready? Yes.
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Yep, that's alright.
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That works. It's good, isn't it?
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Aghh-aghh.
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Right.
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That's the first... That's the first
eruption.
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How long? 30 seconds.
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Right. Hold on.
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AUDIENCE LAUGHS
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APPLAUSE
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WHISTLE BLOWS
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Such a spectacular second eruption,
as well!
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It was good, with those Mentos
things.
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00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:06,820
'Maybe that's what happened in
Pompeii and that's why they were
so frozen!
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00:10:06,860 --> 00:10:09,540
Right. They did have that big Mentos
factory there, didn't they?
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00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:13,540
Next, it's someone who, like me,
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00:10:13,580 --> 00:10:15,740
is actually quite tall in real
life. Iain Stirling.
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00:10:15,780 --> 00:10:17,940
I'm six foot two. Five foot four!
185
00:10:22,860 --> 00:10:24,500
Come on!
186
00:10:30,780 --> 00:10:32,260
As many as you can get in there.
187
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,140
We can actually do more than that,
I reckon. A bit more.
188
00:10:39,820 --> 00:10:41,820
Josh there. Rob's at the top.
189
00:10:41,860 --> 00:10:45,420
Bob's down there. Noel's perched
there, and Katherine's here.
190
00:10:45,460 --> 00:10:47,020
They're all conquerors.
191
00:10:47,660 --> 00:10:50,740
This is dedicated to all the
Champions of Champions!
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00:10:50,780 --> 00:10:52,940
I hope to join you all, one day,
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00:10:52,980 --> 00:10:55,540
on this magnificent volcano!
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00:10:55,580 --> 00:10:56,820
Go in.
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00:10:57,620 --> 00:10:59,740
DRUM ROLL
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00:11:05,420 --> 00:11:07,460
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
197
00:11:11,660 --> 00:11:13,020
No!
198
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:16,020
No! No!
199
00:11:16,060 --> 00:11:18,540
'WHISTLE
No! That's your ten minutes up,
Iain.
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00:11:19,060 --> 00:11:22,860
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
201
00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:24,660
We've all been there!
202
00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:29,860
Increasingly, I find!
203
00:11:31,140 --> 00:11:34,860
I mean, I'm so genuinely heartbroken
by it,
204
00:11:34,900 --> 00:11:37,580
I can't even begin to ridicule you.
205
00:11:37,620 --> 00:11:40,940
I think it's, um... It's a crying
shame.
206
00:11:40,980 --> 00:11:44,140
The engineering, the vision.
And then that!
207
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:49,100
And then the cry of, "I'll see you
in the Champion of Champions!"
208
00:11:51,820 --> 00:11:53,220
It's just...
209
00:11:53,260 --> 00:11:56,580
It's a Shakespearean tragedy!
210
00:11:56,620 --> 00:11:58,220
How do you feel? I gen...
211
00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:01,820
I genuinely don't want to talk about
it!
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00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:05,100
I... That's absolutely fine.
213
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:08,300
OK. We're gonna pause for a second
214
00:12:08,340 --> 00:12:13,780
because it's time now for the first
part of The Advert Show! Enjoy.
215
00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:24,700
Hello! Hello. We are back.
216
00:12:24,740 --> 00:12:28,700
Over now to my tiny assistant, Alex
Horne, to fill you in on the detail.
217
00:12:28,740 --> 00:12:30,700
Am I on? I'm on!
218
00:12:30,740 --> 00:12:33,420
Thanks, Greg. What a show this
is turning out to be.
219
00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:38,100
'Before the break, we saw two
volcanoes made for the current
volcano-making task.
220
00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:43,380
And one of them proved to be active.
Next to erupt, it's Paul Sinha!
221
00:12:44,660 --> 00:12:47,300
You can clearly see it's got the
geology, the shape
222
00:12:47,340 --> 00:12:49,420
and the ecology of a volcano.
223
00:12:49,460 --> 00:12:52,020
It's bubbling under. The villagers
are starting to panic.
224
00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:54,540
This is Pompeii, 79 AD, all over
again.
225
00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:56,700
Is it? We're about to find out.
226
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,820
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
227
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:21,260
Amazing.
228
00:13:22,380 --> 00:13:23,980
I need a cigarette after that!
229
00:13:24,020 --> 00:13:25,900
Really? Yeah, I do!
230
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:32,140
I think the build-up was
sensational.
231
00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:35,900
So much lovely back story. But I
think the answer to the question,
232
00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:38,740
"Is this Pompeii 79 AD all over
again?"
233
00:13:38,780 --> 00:13:40,260
is "No!"
234
00:13:41,500 --> 00:13:45,260
'Throughout the task, Paul did list
the highest volcanoes in the world.
Oh.
235
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:48,060
What is the highest volcano in the
world? I think it's Chimborazo.
236
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:51,060
Chimborazo. What's the smallest
volcano in the world?
237
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:52,260
That!
238
00:13:52,300 --> 00:13:53,620
LAUGHTER
239
00:13:56,580 --> 00:13:58,100
Love it!
240
00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:00,940
Next up? Another volcano.
241
00:14:00,980 --> 00:14:04,380
OK. Sian Gibson next. Here's how she
got on.
242
00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:07,780
Put a bit of soil around.
243
00:14:09,340 --> 00:14:10,500
Fire.
244
00:14:10,540 --> 00:14:12,500
Mine's like a party volcano.
245
00:14:12,540 --> 00:14:15,420
Pipe cleaners, plastic lava.
246
00:14:15,460 --> 00:14:16,740
Right.
247
00:14:17,860 --> 00:14:19,460
Are you ready? I'm ready.
248
00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:26,140
Yay!
249
00:14:26,180 --> 00:14:28,300
It's a bonfire!
250
00:14:28,340 --> 00:14:30,060
No, it's a volcano!
251
00:14:32,500 --> 00:14:34,700
It's on fire, now, Sian. It's a real
fire.
252
00:14:34,740 --> 00:14:36,980
Thanks, Sian. Thank you.
253
00:14:37,020 --> 00:14:39,340
APPLAUSE
254
00:14:40,460 --> 00:14:42,620
I don't think I understood the task!
255
00:14:42,660 --> 00:14:46,380
'It seemed to be it had already
erupted cos there was "jelly"
everywhere.
256
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:50,380
So was it a second eruption? I just
want to get...
257
00:14:50,420 --> 00:14:53,180
Does that happen, Paul? Do you have
a second eruption?
258
00:14:54,180 --> 00:14:57,020
Do you get second eruptions? Quite
frequently, yeah.
259
00:14:57,060 --> 00:14:58,940
Yes. So it didn't erupt. It didn't
erupt.
260
00:14:58,980 --> 00:15:01,060
It didn't say it had to erupt.
261
00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:04,860
There was no vol, there was no vol,
there was no vol!
262
00:15:04,900 --> 00:15:06,780
There was a lot of cano, though!
263
00:15:06,820 --> 00:15:08,020
Yeah!
264
00:15:08,060 --> 00:15:11,020
It's all about scaling up. Real
cano. Did it say in the task
265
00:15:11,060 --> 00:15:13,060
do an erupting volcano? Yep.
266
00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:16,860
It says, "Build the best volcano."
Oh, I apologise. Yes.
267
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:17,900
Sorry!
268
00:15:17,940 --> 00:15:21,140
Do you want to do the last one? Yep.
OK.
269
00:15:21,180 --> 00:15:23,340
The last to go off,
it's Lou Sanders.
270
00:15:24,420 --> 00:15:26,620
Volcano. OK.
271
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,260
That's actually lovely.
272
00:15:35,460 --> 00:15:37,220
I'm ready for the big finale.
273
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:39,500
And by that, I mean, "Can we turn
the lights out?"
274
00:15:58,140 --> 00:16:01,140
Another job done. Thank you.
275
00:16:01,180 --> 00:16:02,940
Pretty good. Pretty good.
276
00:16:04,180 --> 00:16:06,420
Her topography was sweet!
277
00:16:07,260 --> 00:16:09,940
I put a couple of turds on it.
What can I say?
278
00:16:09,980 --> 00:16:14,580
'I think the aftermath of the
eruption perhaps didn't look as
spectacular as you'd hoped. Yeah.
279
00:16:14,620 --> 00:16:16,340
But mid-eruption... It was lovely.
280
00:16:16,380 --> 00:16:18,820
Very good. We were having a right
old time of it, weren't we?
281
00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:22,980
'I really enjoyed it. She tried to
mould it round a witch's hat, and
that was too floppy,
282
00:16:23,020 --> 00:16:26,500
so then we got the rock. It was
quite sensible. Yeah.
283
00:16:26,540 --> 00:16:29,060
Yes. Even a witch's hat has got some
logic to it.
284
00:16:29,100 --> 00:16:30,700
Yes, yes. Yes.
285
00:16:30,740 --> 00:16:34,980
'So I thought they were all really
good volcanoes and this is very
difficult.
286
00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:37,700
So I'll tell you this. I'm not gonna
give anyone just one point.
287
00:16:37,740 --> 00:16:41,860
OK. I'm going to give Sian and Ian
two points.
288
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:44,860
Wh... No! I'm happy with that.
289
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,780
Thank you, Sian.
290
00:16:46,820 --> 00:16:48,340
And that, young man, is a lesson.
291
00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:53,060
OK. We've got joint fourth. Anyone
in third? Yes,
292
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:58,420
'with three points, I'm going to give
the hot, thin, high stream of piss
volcano.
293
00:17:01,420 --> 00:17:03,460
Paul Sinha. That's Paul's. OK.
Three points.
294
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:07,220
'And I am really struggling because
the other two were both so
spectacular.
295
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:10,100
I'm gonna give them both five
points. Oh!
296
00:17:11,660 --> 00:17:12,820
OK.
297
00:17:14,220 --> 00:17:16,580
I'd really like a scoreboard update.
298
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,260
And I want to make you happy. Here
we go.
299
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:21,420
We have three people in a tie for
first place. It looks like this.
300
00:17:21,460 --> 00:17:24,140
Joe, Paul and Sian on seven points.
301
00:17:24,180 --> 00:17:26,620
APPLAUSE
302
00:17:29,980 --> 00:17:31,620
Next, what do you have for me?
303
00:17:31,660 --> 00:17:37,500
'It's time to settle down, grab some
popcorn and watch a little film I've
called The Horne Identity.
304
00:17:37,540 --> 00:17:39,060
Here we go.
305
00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:55,700
"Work out what Alex Horne is wearing
next door."
306
00:17:55,740 --> 00:17:59,580
"Both you and Alex must stay in your
seats at all times."
307
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:03,500
"Alex Horne may only communicate
with Alex Horne's horn."
308
00:18:03,540 --> 00:18:06,900
"You have a maximum of 15 minutes.
Fastest wins. Your time starts now."
309
00:18:06,940 --> 00:18:09,220
You can blow your horn to say you
can hear me.
310
00:18:09,260 --> 00:18:10,460
TOOTS
311
00:18:14,460 --> 00:18:18,820
Pretty straightforward horn code
system task. Yes. A simple task.
312
00:18:18,860 --> 00:18:21,580
Looked very expensive. Why was it
not done in the caravan?
313
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:28,380
Fancied a day out to a train, did
we?
314
00:18:28,420 --> 00:18:30,420
I like trains. I do like trains.
I like...
315
00:18:30,460 --> 00:18:33,180
We'll speak about that later.
Let's crack on.
316
00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:36,100
It's a simple task of communication
and brain power.
317
00:18:36,140 --> 00:18:38,820
So we're gonna start with a clever
brain person, so Thomas.
318
00:18:40,860 --> 00:18:42,100
Let's...
319
00:18:42,140 --> 00:18:43,740
Could I...
320
00:18:44,700 --> 00:18:45,940
Um...
321
00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:48,060
What I'm gonna ask is, uh...
322
00:18:48,100 --> 00:18:53,020
If the answer is yes, can you toot
once,
323
00:18:53,060 --> 00:18:56,180
and if the answer is no, can you
toot twice?
324
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:58,660
Can you toot once to show you've
understood that?
325
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:00,740
Toot!
326
00:19:00,780 --> 00:19:03,420
Are you wearing a pair of
underpants? Toot!
327
00:19:03,460 --> 00:19:07,820
Are you wearing some sort of
all-in-one costume or outfit?
328
00:19:07,860 --> 00:19:09,100
Toot!
329
00:19:09,140 --> 00:19:10,780
Um...
330
00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:17,300
'Are you wearing something that is
actually designed to be worn as
clothes?
331
00:19:17,340 --> 00:19:19,220
Toot! Toot! Toot!
332
00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:23,220
Is three toots a way of saying it's
ambiguous?
333
00:19:23,260 --> 00:19:24,860
Toot!
334
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:26,620
OK.
335
00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:28,580
Oh, man. Um...
336
00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:31,300
Is it made of soft fabric?
337
00:19:31,340 --> 00:19:32,380
Toot!
338
00:19:32,420 --> 00:19:35,100
Is it, um, is it a mascot costume?
339
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:37,220
Toot! Toot! Toot!
340
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,940
Sorry. Sorry, I've forgotten.
341
00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:42,540
Is it... Is it soft? Toot!
342
00:19:42,580 --> 00:19:45,140
Are you dressed as an animal? Toot!
343
00:19:45,180 --> 00:19:48,780
Is it a furry animal? Toot! Toot!
Toot!
344
00:19:49,860 --> 00:19:52,660
Is it a warm-blooded animal? Toot!
345
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,940
Um... Some sort of big cat?
346
00:19:55,980 --> 00:19:57,620
Dog? Rodent?
347
00:19:57,660 --> 00:19:59,580
Mammal? Toot! Toot!
348
00:19:59,620 --> 00:20:02,900
Is it a usual pet? Toot! Toot! Toot!
349
00:20:02,940 --> 00:20:04,220
Ohhh.
350
00:20:04,260 --> 00:20:07,580
Are you just... Have I asked...
Are you just a bear?
351
00:20:07,620 --> 00:20:09,820
Are you a mammal? Toot! Toot!
352
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,740
But you are warm-blooded? Toot!
353
00:20:11,780 --> 00:20:15,540
Is this animal a character from some
sort of fictional...
354
00:20:15,580 --> 00:20:17,140
WHISTLE
355
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:19,100
Ohhh. Um...
356
00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:24,820
Wallaby.
357
00:20:24,860 --> 00:20:27,660
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
358
00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:32,500
Woo!
359
00:20:32,540 --> 00:20:35,140
It seems you spent a lot of time
establishing a system,
360
00:20:35,180 --> 00:20:39,380
but then you just totally ignored
all the answers you got back!
361
00:20:39,420 --> 00:20:42,540
Alex introduced this element of
ambiguity, which was...
362
00:20:42,580 --> 00:20:45,460
I think Alex, if anything, I should
be telling Alex off
363
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:47,580
for helping you out with his
three-honk system.
364
00:20:47,620 --> 00:20:49,180
Thank you(!)
365
00:20:49,220 --> 00:20:51,740
I said I couldn't understand what
three honks meant.
366
00:20:51,780 --> 00:20:56,060
'You worked it out pretty quickly. I
worked it out. One of the few things
you did work out!
367
00:20:56,100 --> 00:20:58,660
Before you sighed and said,
"Wallaby"!
368
00:20:59,860 --> 00:21:02,660
I was not ambiguous about whether or
not it was a mammal.
369
00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:05,020
And then after I said that, you
mainly said, "mammal".
370
00:21:05,660 --> 00:21:08,100
I couldn't quite remember the
difference between
371
00:21:08,140 --> 00:21:11,780
warm, like, warm-blooded mammal...
372
00:21:11,820 --> 00:21:15,580
'Mate, you got stuck in the mammal
groove. That's fine. We've all done
it. OK.
373
00:21:15,620 --> 00:21:19,580
'Let's stop for a bit. Am I worried
whether you'll return after the
break? Absolutely not.
374
00:21:19,620 --> 00:21:21,980
Because one of these guys is gonna
win a grape!
375
00:21:31,860 --> 00:21:34,020
Hello, and welcome back to
Taskmaster.
376
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:35,700
Horne's horn.
377
00:21:35,740 --> 00:21:37,740
Horns. And Horne's horn, to be
precise.
378
00:21:37,780 --> 00:21:39,740
The next two to decipher my honks
379
00:21:39,780 --> 00:21:42,100
are (PARP!) and (PARP-PARP!)
380
00:21:42,140 --> 00:21:44,940
Paul and Iain? Correct.
381
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:49,500
Honk once for yes, honk twice for
no.
382
00:21:49,540 --> 00:21:51,220
Do you understand?
383
00:21:51,260 --> 00:21:52,220
Toot!
384
00:21:52,260 --> 00:21:55,180
Do you have a hat on? Toot! Toot!
385
00:21:55,220 --> 00:21:57,500
Trousers of any kind? Toot! Toot!
386
00:21:57,540 --> 00:22:00,220
No? Do you have shorts on?
387
00:22:00,260 --> 00:22:02,260
Toot! Toot!
388
00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:03,780
You're not wearing clothes?
389
00:22:03,820 --> 00:22:05,780
Skirt? Toot! Toot!
390
00:22:05,820 --> 00:22:06,620
Fuck!
391
00:22:06,660 --> 00:22:09,860
Are you wearing a shirt? Do you have
a dress on?
392
00:22:09,900 --> 00:22:11,700
Toot! Toot! No!
393
00:22:11,740 --> 00:22:14,500
Leggings? Toot! Toot!
Tights? Toot! Toot!
394
00:22:14,540 --> 00:22:16,220
A wetsuit?
395
00:22:16,260 --> 00:22:18,660
Leotard? Long Johns?
396
00:22:18,700 --> 00:22:20,660
Toot! Toot! Dammit!
397
00:22:20,700 --> 00:22:22,780
Is it a onesie? Toot!
398
00:22:22,820 --> 00:22:25,060
Are you wearing anything on your
feet? Toot!
399
00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:26,460
Do you have shoes on?
400
00:22:26,500 --> 00:22:27,940
Socks? Flip-flops?
401
00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:29,540
Slippers? Toot! Toot!
402
00:22:29,580 --> 00:22:31,460
Do you have a tail? Toot!
403
00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:34,060
Are you dressed as an animal? Toot!
404
00:22:34,100 --> 00:22:35,180
Yes!
405
00:22:35,220 --> 00:22:38,060
A lion? Is it a mammal? Toot! Toot!
406
00:22:38,100 --> 00:22:40,460
No! Is it a bird? Toot!
407
00:22:40,500 --> 00:22:42,500
Tiger? Bear? Chicken?
408
00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:44,980
Crocodile? Kangaroo? Badger?
409
00:22:45,020 --> 00:22:46,020
Toot! Toot!
410
00:22:46,060 --> 00:22:51,140
Does the species that the bird is
known by begin with the letter A?
411
00:22:51,180 --> 00:22:53,500
Toot! Toot! B? Toot! Toot!
412
00:22:53,540 --> 00:22:55,260
Larger than a human?
413
00:22:55,300 --> 00:22:58,500
Toot! Toot! A jungle creature that's
smaller than a human?
414
00:22:58,540 --> 00:23:00,140
Crocodile?
415
00:23:00,180 --> 00:23:02,340
O? Toot! Toot! P? Toot!
416
00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:04,420
Is it a pigeon? Toot! Toot!
417
00:23:04,460 --> 00:23:06,060
Meerkat? Toot! Toot!
418
00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:09,820
Aghh! Does the name of this bird
have one syllable? Toot! Toot!
419
00:23:09,860 --> 00:23:11,460
Is it a bird? Toot!
420
00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:13,380
Is it a partridge? Toot! Toot!
421
00:23:13,420 --> 00:23:15,140
Pelican? Toot! Toot!
422
00:23:15,180 --> 00:23:16,060
Aghh!
423
00:23:16,100 --> 00:23:19,700
Is the third letter of this word
a B? Toot! Toot!
424
00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:22,220
Parrot? Toot!
425
00:23:22,260 --> 00:23:24,180
P-A-R...
426
00:23:24,220 --> 00:23:26,740
Alex Horne is wearing a parrot
onesie! Stop the clock!
427
00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:28,540
Are you dressed as a parrot?
428
00:23:28,580 --> 00:23:29,980
Toot!
429
00:23:32,100 --> 00:23:36,180
'A man that believes that a
still-water crocodile is smaller
than a human being...
430
00:23:36,900 --> 00:23:40,020
OK. ..has just beaten me
to a parrot!
431
00:23:40,060 --> 00:23:42,340
Iain, you can't go on any quiz show
ever,
432
00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:45,660
because you give an answer, and then
you go, "Fuck!"
433
00:23:48,300 --> 00:23:50,020
That's your system!
434
00:23:50,060 --> 00:23:53,300
But you don't understand, I said so
many animals!
435
00:23:53,340 --> 00:23:55,460
You stuck to your system for a long
time.
436
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:59,420
You got P-A-R, and still were
guessing. You knew it was a bird,
437
00:23:59,460 --> 00:24:01,100
and you got to P-A-R..!
438
00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:03,140
And you'd ruled partridge out!
439
00:24:05,420 --> 00:24:10,300
OK, well, shouty madman, 37 seconds
and seven minutes.
440
00:24:10,340 --> 00:24:11,980
OK. And clever stupid man?
441
00:24:13,420 --> 00:24:16,660
Clever stupid man, 36 seconds and
eight minutes.
442
00:24:16,700 --> 00:24:18,180
Well done.
443
00:24:18,220 --> 00:24:21,260
Just 59 seconds in it, but Iain
currently in the lead.
444
00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:25,820
Next, it's time to send in the SAS -
Sian and Sanders.
445
00:24:25,860 --> 00:24:27,820
Remember, one for yes, two for no.
446
00:24:27,860 --> 00:24:30,620
That is the system. That should
always be the system.
447
00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:36,260
Can you honk once for yes, and twice
for no?
448
00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:37,340
Toot!
449
00:24:37,380 --> 00:24:40,460
OK. So, two for yes, one for no?
450
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:43,300
Toot! Toot! Cool.
451
00:24:43,340 --> 00:24:46,140
Are you wearing clothes? Toot!
452
00:24:46,180 --> 00:24:48,900
Are you wearing something of
nationality
453
00:24:48,940 --> 00:24:53,500
like a Scottish outfit or Norwegian?
Toot! Yeah, sure.
454
00:24:53,540 --> 00:24:56,300
Are there... Are there...
Are they... Ooh.
455
00:24:56,340 --> 00:24:59,060
Are they fancy dress clothes? Toot!
456
00:24:59,100 --> 00:25:01,460
Are you a woman? Toot! Toot!
457
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:04,820
Are you dressed as a theme? Toot!
Toot! Yes. OK.
458
00:25:04,860 --> 00:25:06,660
Are you an animal? Toot!
459
00:25:06,700 --> 00:25:08,580
Is it duck-themed?
460
00:25:08,620 --> 00:25:12,180
Toot! Are you a jungle animal?
Toot!
461
00:25:12,220 --> 00:25:13,900
Are you colourful? Toot! Toot!
462
00:25:13,940 --> 00:25:16,740
Would I have seen you in The Lion
King? Toot!
463
00:25:16,780 --> 00:25:19,300
Are you a lion? Toot! Toot!
464
00:25:19,340 --> 00:25:21,180
Oh...
465
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:24,060
Are you a crocodile? Swan.
466
00:25:24,100 --> 00:25:27,180
Are you an elephant? Are you a frog?
Toot!
467
00:25:27,220 --> 00:25:29,260
Are you cute? Toot! Aw!
468
00:25:30,180 --> 00:25:31,860
Are you a bird? Toot! Toot!
469
00:25:31,900 --> 00:25:33,500
You're a bird?! Toot! Toot!
470
00:25:33,540 --> 00:25:35,420
A giraffe? Are you a pigeon?
471
00:25:35,460 --> 00:25:37,780
A rhino? A wood pigeon?
472
00:25:38,220 --> 00:25:39,740
Are you a bird? Toot!
473
00:25:39,780 --> 00:25:41,780
Alan Partridge? Toot!
474
00:25:42,620 --> 00:25:44,060
Parrot? Toot!
475
00:25:44,100 --> 00:25:46,020
Parrot! Toot! Toot!
476
00:25:46,060 --> 00:25:48,140
APPLAUSE
477
00:25:49,420 --> 00:25:53,140
Pretty efficient stuff from both
contestants, I thought.
478
00:25:53,180 --> 00:25:55,340
Two or three hesitations.
479
00:25:55,380 --> 00:26:00,820
'One was where you very sweetly just
paused to go, "Aw!", when you found
out Alex was cute.
480
00:26:00,860 --> 00:26:02,940
Although you'll have to take his
word for it.
481
00:26:02,980 --> 00:26:07,140
I enjoyed you, the sub-sections of
the pigeon community you explored!
482
00:26:09,100 --> 00:26:10,980
I don't know who won.
483
00:26:11,020 --> 00:26:13,780
My instinct is that Sian's
efficiency... Mm.
484
00:26:13,820 --> 00:26:16,820
And that's it. You tell me.
I will. I will tell you.
485
00:26:16,860 --> 00:26:20,300
Bear in mind Joe never found out
that I was a parrot.
486
00:26:20,340 --> 00:26:21,980
No, he did not. He did not.
487
00:26:22,020 --> 00:26:25,140
Iain currently in the lead with
seven minutes 37.
488
00:26:25,180 --> 00:26:28,300
Lou, seven minutes 11 seconds.
489
00:26:28,340 --> 00:26:29,860
Wow.
490
00:26:31,380 --> 00:26:33,660
Sian, though... Oh.
491
00:26:33,700 --> 00:26:36,100
314 seconds.
492
00:26:36,940 --> 00:26:39,860
Five minutes 14! She's the winner by
a mile!
493
00:26:42,660 --> 00:26:44,460
So it's nought points for Joe,
494
00:26:44,500 --> 00:26:46,740
two for Paul, three for Iain, four
for Lou.
495
00:26:46,780 --> 00:26:49,460
But five points to Sian Gibson!
Boom! Boom!
496
00:26:49,500 --> 00:26:50,980
Fantastic!
497
00:26:51,020 --> 00:26:53,620
Can we have another one of those
task things, please?
498
00:26:53,660 --> 00:26:58,540
Yes. Welcome, all, to the Taskmaster
confessional.
499
00:27:09,180 --> 00:27:12,140
"Alex is in the living room."
500
00:27:12,180 --> 00:27:16,300
'"In 20 minutes from now, you must
apologise to Alex for something
you've done in that time."
501
00:27:16,340 --> 00:27:19,820
"Best apology for worst thing wins.
502
00:27:19,860 --> 00:27:23,300
"Your time starts now."
503
00:27:23,820 --> 00:27:24,940
OK.
504
00:27:24,980 --> 00:27:26,860
OK. I've got to do something really
bad.
505
00:27:26,900 --> 00:27:28,060
Uh...
506
00:27:28,100 --> 00:27:31,260
I mean, I'm very really affected by
guilt, anyway,
507
00:27:31,300 --> 00:27:36,420
'so I could probably go now and just
apologise for the way I've lived my
life!
508
00:27:36,460 --> 00:27:39,020
We've got to get a guitar.
509
00:27:43,340 --> 00:27:45,460
What can I do with a poo?
510
00:27:49,860 --> 00:27:52,580
I'll go and find a guitar. There
must be a guitar somewhere.
511
00:27:55,780 --> 00:28:00,660
They're quite a contrasting set of
super-villains, there!
512
00:28:00,700 --> 00:28:03,780
Iain was absolutely that he was
gonna be guitar-based.
513
00:28:03,820 --> 00:28:06,020
He knew that from the start.
514
00:28:06,060 --> 00:28:08,700
Joe just apologising for his
existence!
515
00:28:10,700 --> 00:28:14,900
By far the most sinister was the man
who said nothing!
516
00:28:16,780 --> 00:28:18,860
That's the more sinister aim!
517
00:28:18,900 --> 00:28:21,700
OK. Well, it's not an easy task for
me, this.
518
00:28:21,740 --> 00:28:25,540
'They had to do the best apology for
the worst thing. Yes. So judging it
on two counts.
519
00:28:25,580 --> 00:28:28,620
We're gonna find out what naughty
boy Joe Thomas got up to first.
520
00:28:28,660 --> 00:28:30,580
What a naughty boy. Naughty boy!
521
00:28:30,620 --> 00:28:33,940
Oh, Alex. Hello, Joe. I just wanted
to have a quick word.
522
00:28:33,980 --> 00:28:37,300
Um... It's a number of things,
really. I'm enjoying the tasks,
523
00:28:37,340 --> 00:28:39,860
but there's a few things I've been
mildly annoyed about.
524
00:28:39,900 --> 00:28:44,900
And, um, I've sent it to you on your
phone. It's a sung message.
525
00:28:44,940 --> 00:28:47,140
Are you apologising for a song I'm
about to listen to?
526
00:28:47,180 --> 00:28:49,500
I'm apologising if it causes any
offence,
527
00:28:49,540 --> 00:28:53,100
but I thought it was best to sort of
clear the air.
528
00:28:53,140 --> 00:28:56,820
# Oh, have you heard the good news
529
00:28:57,820 --> 00:29:01,020
# Alex Horne is finally dead
530
00:29:02,460 --> 00:29:04,540
# Now that Alex is dead
531
00:29:04,580 --> 00:29:08,860
# I feel like I can finally
breathe... #
532
00:29:08,900 --> 00:29:10,380
It's quite harsh.
533
00:29:10,420 --> 00:29:12,700
# Alex's murder
534
00:29:12,740 --> 00:29:15,620
# Is evidence for the existence of
God
535
00:29:15,660 --> 00:29:17,260
Alex's murder? Well, yeah.
536
00:29:17,300 --> 00:29:19,180
Um, murder is a bit strong.
537
00:29:19,820 --> 00:29:21,780
# I personally shifted him off
538
00:29:21,820 --> 00:29:23,500
# And I did
539
00:29:25,380 --> 00:29:30,060
# Fuck...off...Alex! #
540
00:29:31,460 --> 00:29:33,820
And you stand by what you said?
I stand by those feelings.
541
00:29:33,860 --> 00:29:38,100
I'm not saying I'd act on them
necessarily today or this week.
542
00:29:38,140 --> 00:29:40,820
Thank you for coming to see me.
I appreciate your honesty.
543
00:29:40,860 --> 00:29:42,180
No problem. OK.
544
00:29:42,220 --> 00:29:44,980
Well, good stuff. You're a good
bloke.
545
00:29:45,020 --> 00:29:47,660
OK. OK, thanks, Joe. See you later.
546
00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:49,980
APPLAUSE
547
00:29:50,900 --> 00:29:53,620
I don't know. I got a bit lost in
it.
548
00:29:53,660 --> 00:29:55,180
I enjoyed it. Yes.
549
00:29:55,220 --> 00:29:57,300
There's so many lines I enjoyed.
550
00:29:57,340 --> 00:30:01,980
"Alex's murder would be evidence for
the existence of God."
551
00:30:03,300 --> 00:30:05,860
Yes. It was pretty harsh, as well.
552
00:30:05,900 --> 00:30:08,380
It was an awful thing to say!
A terrible thing to say.
553
00:30:08,420 --> 00:30:10,660
I didn't feel the apology was great.
554
00:30:10,700 --> 00:30:13,140
He said you were a "good bloke",
at the end.
555
00:30:13,180 --> 00:30:15,980
Yeah, he gave me a thumbs up. Thumbs
up and I shuffled off.
556
00:30:16,020 --> 00:30:17,500
"Good bloke", thumbs up. Yeah.
557
00:30:17,540 --> 00:30:19,340
So, Alex, what more do you want?
558
00:30:19,380 --> 00:30:21,820
OK. Who's next? OK. Next up,
559
00:30:21,860 --> 00:30:25,860
a Sinha by name. Let's see how bad
he really is. It's Paul.
560
00:30:28,020 --> 00:30:30,380
Hello, Paul. I'm so, so sorry.
561
00:30:30,420 --> 00:30:32,020
What are you sorry for?
562
00:30:32,060 --> 00:30:34,020
I've been under a lot of stress.
563
00:30:34,060 --> 00:30:38,100
I've been on this 5:2 diet which has
caused me cravings.
564
00:30:38,140 --> 00:30:39,780
And I just walked in this morning
565
00:30:39,820 --> 00:30:44,020
and I'm meant to be on a two-day 600
calories
566
00:30:44,060 --> 00:30:45,820
and I opened up the fridge
567
00:30:45,860 --> 00:30:49,060
and there was all sorts of
deliciousness there.
568
00:30:54,340 --> 00:30:56,540
I had a bit of a crisis. What have
you done, Paul?
569
00:30:56,580 --> 00:30:59,820
I kind of destroyed the fridge.
I've been very selfish.
570
00:31:03,620 --> 00:31:05,580
I'm so sorry.
571
00:31:05,620 --> 00:31:07,140
I just lost my mind.
572
00:31:18,220 --> 00:31:19,980
I'm gonna go and look at the fridge.
573
00:31:20,020 --> 00:31:22,260
So sorry!
574
00:31:22,300 --> 00:31:24,660
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
575
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:29,260
I feel a bit weird after that, Paul.
576
00:31:29,300 --> 00:31:32,940
I don't know. You had the
countenance of a serial killer!
577
00:31:32,980 --> 00:31:36,260
And your worst crime was eating a
bit of jam with your fingers,
578
00:31:36,300 --> 00:31:38,060
as far as I could work out!
579
00:31:38,100 --> 00:31:42,620
'I wasn't there while he was doing
it, cos I was working, but the crew
did say it was odd!Yes.
580
00:31:47,540 --> 00:31:50,740
'Shall we see another one? Who do you
want to see? Sian! Me, too!
Here we go!
581
00:31:54,700 --> 00:31:56,580
Hello, gorgeous.
582
00:31:56,620 --> 00:31:58,180
Oh.
583
00:31:58,220 --> 00:31:59,900
You smell nice.
584
00:31:59,940 --> 00:32:02,700
Thank you, Sian. Look at that.
585
00:32:02,740 --> 00:32:04,620
I'm really sorry. You've got my
phone.
586
00:32:04,660 --> 00:32:08,100
'Sorry. You left your phone in the
kitchen. I'm really sorry about
that.
587
00:32:08,140 --> 00:32:12,820
I might have used one of my personal
pictures.
588
00:32:12,860 --> 00:32:15,220
I thought it was my phone,
589
00:32:15,260 --> 00:32:17,780
and sent it to someone else but it
was on your phone.
590
00:32:17,820 --> 00:32:20,220
But I meant to... I just caught a
glimpse!
591
00:32:22,900 --> 00:32:25,500
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER
592
00:32:27,380 --> 00:32:29,460
Sent it to Greg?
593
00:32:29,500 --> 00:32:32,700
'The worst person you could have sent
it to! Where did you get the picture
from?
594
00:32:32,740 --> 00:32:34,500
Why has it got my face?
595
00:32:38,100 --> 00:32:39,220
It says, "Come to mamma."
596
00:32:39,260 --> 00:32:42,180
How many people have you sent it to?
Just to Greg? Oh.
597
00:32:45,780 --> 00:32:47,740
Thank you for this. I do appreciate
that.
598
00:32:47,780 --> 00:32:50,300
It's a quite flattering picture,
though.
599
00:32:50,340 --> 00:32:52,340
Thank you, Sian. Thank you.
600
00:32:54,940 --> 00:32:56,380
APPLAUSE
601
00:32:58,420 --> 00:33:02,300
'There was an accompanying text to
the picture, wasn't there? Yes.
What was it?
602
00:33:02,340 --> 00:33:04,340
It just said, "Come to mamma."
Come to mamma.
603
00:33:07,580 --> 00:33:11,700
Alex was genuinely... I thought he
was gonna cry!
604
00:33:12,780 --> 00:33:15,420
At first I thought you'd sent it to
everyone that I know.
605
00:33:15,460 --> 00:33:18,020
I wasn't gonna do that.
606
00:33:18,060 --> 00:33:21,860
'No. You wouldn't send it to his wife
cos she knows the horrible truth of
what you look like!
607
00:33:22,980 --> 00:33:25,260
And I have spoken to her, actually,
608
00:33:25,300 --> 00:33:27,380
and she says that picture is nothing
like you,
609
00:33:27,420 --> 00:33:30,780
because the man in that picture had
a big penis and small testicles
610
00:33:30,820 --> 00:33:34,020
where you are, and I quote,
"Quite the reverse!"
611
00:33:39,340 --> 00:33:40,980
Want to see a blister burst?
612
00:33:41,020 --> 00:33:43,460
Then come back for the final part of
the show!
613
00:33:54,780 --> 00:33:56,580
Hello, and welcome back to
Taskmaster
614
00:33:56,620 --> 00:33:59,020
where there was a lot of
misbehaviour before the break.
615
00:33:59,060 --> 00:34:01,580
Yes, there was. There was gluttony
from Paul,
616
00:34:01,620 --> 00:34:05,460
wrath from Joe and lust from Sian.
617
00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:07,420
But at least they apologised, Greg.
618
00:34:07,460 --> 00:34:09,940
Next up to say soz...
619
00:34:09,980 --> 00:34:12,700
You don't ever... You never say
sorry to me.
620
00:34:12,740 --> 00:34:15,660
You've never come off the script
before and tried to bring me in!
621
00:34:17,060 --> 00:34:19,900
Next up to say soz, it's Iain!
622
00:34:30,060 --> 00:34:31,740
# Alex
623
00:34:32,220 --> 00:34:34,260
# I just pied you in the face
624
00:34:35,460 --> 00:34:36,940
# Alex
625
00:34:36,980 --> 00:34:40,140
# It was a total disgrace
626
00:34:40,780 --> 00:34:44,820
# Alex, I hope that I'll see you in
heaven
627
00:34:44,860 --> 00:34:48,380
# Or the Champion of Champions
628
00:34:49,300 --> 00:34:52,500
# Series 11, I'm sorry
629
00:34:53,380 --> 00:34:56,180
# I'm sorry, oh, yeah
630
00:34:56,220 --> 00:34:57,700
# I'm sorry
631
00:34:57,740 --> 00:35:00,900
# Can't open the door
632
00:35:00,940 --> 00:35:02,740
# I'm sorry
633
00:35:04,020 --> 00:35:07,180
Do you want me to open the door for
you? I'm alright. Sorry about that.
634
00:35:12,420 --> 00:35:17,660
'Really lovely, despite your constant
assertion you're going to be the
Champion of Champions!
635
00:35:17,700 --> 00:35:19,700
I don't know where that came from!
636
00:35:19,740 --> 00:35:22,740
Nice that your apology was about
something that actually happened.
637
00:35:22,780 --> 00:35:25,100
Yes. Not just a threat that you
could actually pie him.
638
00:35:25,140 --> 00:35:28,500
Quite hard. It was my first ever
pie-ing! He smacked me in the face.
639
00:35:28,540 --> 00:35:31,420
What about Lou? Lou? Uh, well.
640
00:35:31,460 --> 00:35:33,780
She's potty-mouthed and potty-named.
641
00:35:33,820 --> 00:35:36,060
Here she goes. Lou Sanders.
642
00:35:38,140 --> 00:35:39,580
Hello!
643
00:35:43,820 --> 00:35:46,620
I wanted to make an apology. I'm so,
so sorry...
644
00:35:46,660 --> 00:35:49,460
for what I've done.
645
00:35:49,500 --> 00:35:54,300
I've done something to your car.
Shall we...have a look?
646
00:36:01,300 --> 00:36:03,300
I got your car, I threw some shit on
it.
647
00:36:03,340 --> 00:36:05,900
But in order to make you feel better
about it,
648
00:36:05,940 --> 00:36:09,740
I signed you up for these classes
with your real mobile number.
649
00:36:09,780 --> 00:36:13,500
'Jazzercise life coaching, estate
agents, they're all gonna call you
back.
650
00:36:13,540 --> 00:36:18,020
'Crystal healing, PPI checks,
insurance, body-wraps, indoor surf
classes,
651
00:36:18,060 --> 00:36:21,660
pony trekking, confidence classes,
judo and Scientology.
652
00:36:21,700 --> 00:36:23,380
Welcome to your new life!
653
00:36:23,420 --> 00:36:28,100
'To say sorry for what you've done to
the car, you've signed me up for
these things? Yeah.
654
00:36:28,140 --> 00:36:30,020
So this is worse than that!
655
00:36:30,060 --> 00:36:32,140
The apology is worse than what
you've done!
656
00:36:32,180 --> 00:36:35,220
Which means more points for me!
657
00:36:39,700 --> 00:36:42,140
The balloon wasn't even part of it.
658
00:36:43,340 --> 00:36:45,700
You can have that, to start with!
659
00:36:45,740 --> 00:36:47,140
The teaser!
660
00:36:47,180 --> 00:36:50,580
But obviously you made a terrible
mess of his horrible red car.
661
00:36:50,620 --> 00:36:52,460
But...
662
00:36:52,500 --> 00:36:55,540
It's a horrible red, don't you
think?
663
00:36:55,580 --> 00:36:57,100
Horrible red.
664
00:36:57,140 --> 00:36:58,820
Sort of...
665
00:37:00,500 --> 00:37:04,820
But I think that the real diabolical
crimes were committed after that
666
00:37:04,860 --> 00:37:07,220
because it genuinely was Alex's
phone. It was.
667
00:37:07,260 --> 00:37:10,260
That you signed him up to all those
awful things on!
668
00:37:10,300 --> 00:37:13,260
The Jazzercise lady was so nice.
Wendy? Yes.
669
00:37:17,580 --> 00:37:21,500
You signed him up for Scientology?
Yep. Anton has stopped calling me.
670
00:37:21,540 --> 00:37:25,340
The estate agents still call me,
every Monday afternoon.
671
00:37:25,380 --> 00:37:27,900
Worse than scientology! It's the
worst. That's the worst.
672
00:37:27,940 --> 00:37:30,620
Wendy is the one that I now have
some sort of relationship with.
673
00:37:32,540 --> 00:37:34,980
Let me give out some points.
OK. OK.
674
00:37:35,020 --> 00:37:38,660
Paul's apology was just so creepy
675
00:37:38,700 --> 00:37:41,780
but the crime wasn't bad enough for
me.
676
00:37:41,820 --> 00:37:43,500
Cos I eat jam with my hands all the
time
677
00:37:43,540 --> 00:37:45,220
so I'm gonna give him just one
point.
678
00:37:45,260 --> 00:37:46,820
One point to Paul. Yeah.
679
00:37:46,860 --> 00:37:49,460
If Joe had murdered you, he'd have
got three points.
680
00:37:49,500 --> 00:37:51,700
I'm gonna give him two points.
681
00:37:51,740 --> 00:37:54,740
'You'd only have given him three
points for murdering me?
That's right.
682
00:37:54,780 --> 00:37:56,300
Shows you care.
683
00:37:56,340 --> 00:37:59,180
And three points, I'm gonna give it
to Sian
684
00:37:59,220 --> 00:38:02,820
for exposing the true horror of your
genitals.
685
00:38:02,860 --> 00:38:05,460
Iain's song was absolutely wonderful
686
00:38:05,500 --> 00:38:09,500
'but a pie-ing isn't the most
diabolical of crimes. I'll give him
four points. Right.
687
00:38:09,540 --> 00:38:14,060
'And Lou, I mean I just hate people
like that getting hold of your
phone.
688
00:38:14,100 --> 00:38:16,380
It's such an evil, twisted crime!
689
00:38:16,420 --> 00:38:19,300
She must take the five points.
Five points goes to Lou Sanders.
690
00:38:19,340 --> 00:38:21,260
Alright.
691
00:38:21,300 --> 00:38:24,620
I think we should hear some scores.
The scores? Yeah. OK.
692
00:38:24,660 --> 00:38:27,900
Lou and Sian, the ladies, are at the
top, both with 15 points! Yes!
693
00:38:31,980 --> 00:38:35,700
Right. Please, stand up and strut up
to the stage
694
00:38:35,740 --> 00:38:38,020
for the final task of the show!
695
00:38:46,260 --> 00:38:48,940
Hello! Hello! Who's gonna read the
task out?
696
00:38:48,980 --> 00:38:51,380
I've given the task to Paul Sinha.
697
00:38:51,420 --> 00:38:53,500
"Get into one sleeping bag
698
00:38:53,540 --> 00:38:55,820
"with your arms through the
arm-holes,
699
00:38:55,860 --> 00:38:59,340
the zip zipped up and the hood on
your head.
700
00:38:59,380 --> 00:39:02,380
"Then stand to attention and salute
the Task Master
701
00:39:02,420 --> 00:39:04,060
"for a full five seconds.
702
00:39:04,100 --> 00:39:05,980
"Then get into the other sleeping
bag
703
00:39:06,020 --> 00:39:08,780
"with your arms in the arm-holes,
the zip zipped up
704
00:39:08,820 --> 00:39:12,900
"and the hood on your head whilst
still in your first sleeping bag.
705
00:39:12,940 --> 00:39:18,620
"Then skip once. The fastest wins."
706
00:39:18,660 --> 00:39:21,700
Wait a second! Wait, wait,
wait! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
707
00:39:21,740 --> 00:39:24,380
Whoa! Blow your little whistle.
Good luck.
708
00:39:24,420 --> 00:39:27,900
'You may don your first sleeping bag
and the second and do the saluting
in the middle.
709
00:39:27,940 --> 00:39:29,340
WHISTLE
710
00:39:29,380 --> 00:39:31,060
Off they go.
711
00:39:31,100 --> 00:39:33,220
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
712
00:39:33,260 --> 00:39:35,940
Get them out of the bag. One's out.
713
00:39:38,300 --> 00:39:41,620
I can't get it out of the bag!
What's wrong, Sian?
714
00:39:41,660 --> 00:39:46,020
Can't get it out of the bag?
There we are. There you go.
715
00:39:46,060 --> 00:39:48,340
It's not out yet.
716
00:39:48,380 --> 00:39:50,220
Still in the bag, here!
717
00:39:50,260 --> 00:39:52,220
Are you alright, Paul? Yeah.
718
00:39:52,260 --> 00:39:55,100
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
719
00:39:58,060 --> 00:40:00,460
Problems here! It's still in the
bag.
720
00:40:00,500 --> 00:40:03,140
Was that five seconds, Joe?
I'm pretty sure it was, yes.
721
00:40:03,180 --> 00:40:05,420
Seemed like five to me. Maybe it was
four!
722
00:40:06,340 --> 00:40:08,300
It's a piece of shit! A piece of
shit!
723
00:40:08,340 --> 00:40:10,460
A piece of shit!
724
00:40:22,500 --> 00:40:24,540
There we go.
725
00:40:24,580 --> 00:40:26,660
APPLAUSE
726
00:40:30,180 --> 00:40:32,100
We have two left. Two left.
727
00:40:33,620 --> 00:40:35,380
LAUGHTER
728
00:40:40,620 --> 00:40:42,220
APPLAUSE
729
00:40:47,740 --> 00:40:49,740
WHISTLE
730
00:40:50,580 --> 00:40:53,260
OK, Paul. It's now up to you whether
or not you want to carry on.
731
00:40:53,300 --> 00:40:54,940
Oh, fuck, yes!
732
00:40:55,860 --> 00:40:59,060
'Before the show, Alex said, "You
haven't mentioned your injured
shoulder."
733
00:40:59,100 --> 00:41:03,060
'I said I'll only mention my injured
shoulder when it's fucking affecting
how I'm performing.
734
00:41:04,820 --> 00:41:06,500
Give it here.
735
00:41:06,540 --> 00:41:08,780
Quite a touching scene!
736
00:41:15,980 --> 00:41:18,380
Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
737
00:41:21,980 --> 00:41:23,900
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
738
00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:28,300
I mean, it is the most touching
moment in Taskmaster history!
739
00:41:29,140 --> 00:41:31,860
We'll work that out and then add it
to the final scores.
740
00:41:31,900 --> 00:41:33,420
Come back down and join me.
741
00:41:40,460 --> 00:41:44,660
'What would you do if somebody didn't
salute you for the full five
seconds?
742
00:41:44,700 --> 00:41:45,980
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
743
00:41:46,020 --> 00:41:47,540
IAIN WHISTLES
744
00:41:47,580 --> 00:41:50,060
I would give them an absolute
maximum of one point.
745
00:41:50,100 --> 00:41:52,100
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
746
00:41:52,140 --> 00:41:55,500
Oh, no! What if we saluted you
for more than five seconds?
747
00:41:55,540 --> 00:41:57,860
That's not relevant in your case!
748
00:42:00,020 --> 00:42:04,420
Sian, the briefest of the salutes at
2.09 seconds. Mine?!
749
00:42:04,460 --> 00:42:08,020
'Lou Sanders saluted for the correct
period of time. Thank you!
Well done, Lou.
750
00:42:08,060 --> 00:42:09,980
So you come second in the task.
751
00:42:10,020 --> 00:42:12,660
There's more people in last place.
We know Sian's in last place.
752
00:42:12,700 --> 00:42:15,220
Tragically, Paul Sinha did not
salute for five seconds.
753
00:42:15,260 --> 00:42:16,580
AUDIENCE: Aw!
754
00:42:16,620 --> 00:42:19,820
'And the third person in last place,
Joe Thomas did not salute for long
enough.
755
00:42:19,860 --> 00:42:21,740
What was that? How long was it?
756
00:42:21,780 --> 00:42:24,180
You saluted for 3.2 seconds.
757
00:42:24,220 --> 00:42:26,060
Men always think it's longer than it
is!
758
00:42:26,100 --> 00:42:28,100
LAUGHTER
759
00:42:28,580 --> 00:42:30,420
Not all men!
760
00:42:30,460 --> 00:42:33,780
You're right. Iain wins the task
and five points!
761
00:42:33,820 --> 00:42:35,140
Wow!
762
00:42:37,500 --> 00:42:40,620
We have an outright winner.
She's won two shows in a row.
763
00:42:40,660 --> 00:42:43,020
The winner with 19 points is Lou
Sanders!
764
00:42:43,060 --> 00:42:44,540
Thank you!
765
00:42:46,700 --> 00:42:50,060
Lou Sanders is the winner of episode
three.
766
00:42:50,100 --> 00:42:52,980
Please head up to the stage
and prepare to pop!
767
00:42:56,100 --> 00:42:57,700
So, what have we learnt today?
768
00:42:57,740 --> 00:43:00,620
We've learnt that no matter what
disappointments life throws at you,
769
00:43:00,660 --> 00:43:03,740
relationships that don't last the
course, ambitions unfulfilled,
770
00:43:03,780 --> 00:43:05,380
periods of utter loneliness,
771
00:43:05,420 --> 00:43:07,900
console yourselves that you've never
stooped as low
772
00:43:07,940 --> 00:43:10,740
as entering a solitary grape as a
prize.
773
00:43:10,780 --> 00:43:14,300
And Lou Sanders styled it out to win
the episode.
774
00:43:14,340 --> 00:43:17,460
Well done to her and good night to
you!
775
00:43:17,500 --> 00:43:19,540
Keep warm! Bye-bye!
776
00:43:46,660 --> 00:43:48,660
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