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1
00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:09,510
It's Mom.
2
00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,612
Say hi for me.
3
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:12,613
Hi, Mom.
4
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,083
Alan wants to talk to you.
5
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:19,553
Hi, Mom.
6
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,355
How was Dubai?
7
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:24,125
Oh, good,
I-I'm glad you met somebody.
8
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:29,297
Yes, yes,
they are a hairy people.
9
00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:32,866
Uh, yeah, I-I don't need
to know any more details,
10
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:35,336
as long as he makes you happy.
11
00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:38,672
That's a detail, Mom.
12
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:40,474
Oh, no, d-don't worry
about your house.
13
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,377
I, uh, I check on it every day
on my way home from work.
14
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,846
Yeah, now,
that's why I'm the good son.
15
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:46,914
(chuckles)
16
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,917
Well, uh...
have fun with Hamid.
17
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:53,354
That's another detail, Mom.
18
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,523
Yeah, I'll, uh,
I'll see you tomorrow.
19
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:57,358
Okay, bye-bye.
20
00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,827
You haven't been
to her house once, have you?
21
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,295
I checked on it
with Google Earth.
22
00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:02,730
It's still there.
23
00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,865
At least the
roof is anyway.
24
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:06,334
I'll just run over today
25
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,969
and pick up the newspapers
and the mail, and, uh,
26
00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:10,504
replace the
dead plants.
27
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:12,440
You don't think
she'll notice new plants?
28
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:15,709
Nah, she doesn't pay that much
attention to living things.
29
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:16,944
Remember when she had
the cockatoo?
30
00:01:17,010 --> 00:01:18,979
Oh, yeah.
31
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:22,082
Polly really wanted a cracker.
32
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:24,752
Hey, listen, as long as you're
going to be in Beverly Hills,
33
00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:26,687
you can drop my Mercedes off
at the dealership for service.
34
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,889
Happy to do it.
Hey, I don't want to hear it.
35
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:30,224
You and your kid
live here rent-free.
36
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,292
I don't ask for
much in return,
37
00:01:31,359 --> 00:01:32,526
so the least you
could do for me,
38
00:01:32,593 --> 00:01:33,794
Alan...
Charlie, Charlie.
39
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,229
I said I'm happy to do it.
40
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:38,199
Oh.
41
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:41,034
Damn, I was all set
to bust your balls.
42
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,737
Sorry to disappoint you.
43
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:47,275
And just so we're clear,
my car is cherry,
44
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:49,377
so if you bang it,
ding it, dent it,
45
00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,811
or even change the
ass-print in the seat,
46
00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:52,546
just keep driving
till you get to Mexico,
47
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,282
then bury yourself
in the desert.
48
00:01:56,184 --> 00:01:59,119
I understand your concern,
and trust me,
49
00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,888
I will be very careful.
50
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:05,359
You know, you're taking
all the fun out of this.
51
00:02:08,396 --> 00:02:11,031
Okay, "get car serviced."
52
00:02:11,098 --> 00:02:13,734
Check.
53
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:16,637
What's next?
54
00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:18,038
Oh, nap time.
55
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:21,809
(clears throat)
56
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:25,446
(moans)
57
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:29,583
Check.
58
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:32,553
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
59
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,723
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
60
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:39,059
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
61
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,728
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
62
00:02:40,794 --> 00:02:43,531
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
63
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,700
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
64
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:51,472
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
65
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:58,178
* Men. *
66
00:03:04,385 --> 00:03:06,654
What the hell
are you doing?
67
00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:07,955
Whoa!
68
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:09,290
(thuds)
69
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,159
You okay?
70
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:15,128
No, I landed
on my ass bone.
71
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,764
Sack up. You'll be fine.
72
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:20,468
Would you grab my sunglasses
while you're down there?
73
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:24,805
"Recover sunglasses."
74
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:26,206
Check.
75
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:30,110
Thanks.
76
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:32,079
What's so interesting
over there?
77
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,747
Nothing.
78
00:03:33,814 --> 00:03:37,117
Hey, you know the rule:
if there's topless sunbathers,
79
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:39,320
you don't hang out
and stare at them.
80
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,054
You come get your
Uncle Charlie.
81
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:43,757
Nobody's topless.
82
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:44,992
Oh.
83
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:48,696
Then what are
you looking at?
84
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,965
Son of a bitch.
85
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:54,067
Uncheck.
86
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:56,437
Just some new neighbors.
87
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:57,371
New neighbors, huh?
88
00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:58,639
What's the deal?
89
00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:00,274
They making s'mores
on the barbecue?
90
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:02,276
No.
Chicken?
91
00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:04,312
It has nothing
to do with food.
92
00:04:04,378 --> 00:04:07,948
Oh... a girl.
93
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,082
Is she cute?
94
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:10,250
No, I'm hanging
off the balcony
95
00:04:10,318 --> 00:04:13,153
to look at a mutant.
96
00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,522
Don't get snippy.
97
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,724
I was just showing
an interest.
98
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,592
Why don't you go over there
and introduce yourself?
99
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,260
I can't do that.
It'd look desperate.
100
00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,296
You are desperate.
101
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,264
Come on. We'll both go.
102
00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:25,065
Really?
103
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:26,434
Yeah, why not?
104
00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:28,636
I got a little window
before my next nap.
105
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,370
Thanks.
106
00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:30,438
No problem.
107
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:33,273
What am I
going to say?
108
00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:34,375
I don't know.
109
00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:36,243
Try saying hello.
110
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,746
Hello? That's
all you got?
111
00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:43,016
That's all I got
that you can use.
112
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,619
* Men. *
113
00:04:45,686 --> 00:04:49,122
I should have peed
before we left.
114
00:04:49,189 --> 00:04:50,290
You've just got
a nervous bladder.
115
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:51,992
Wait till you turn 40.
116
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,528
You'll feel like you have to pee
while you're still peeing.
117
00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:58,999
You ready to do this?
No.
118
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,034
Oh, come on, what's the worst
thing that could happen?
119
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,336
She laughs at me?
120
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:05,038
Oh, that is so sweet.
121
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:07,808
No, the worst thing
that could happen
122
00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,910
is she falls in love
with you, you get married.
123
00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,979
Ten, 12 years later she comes
to her senses, leaves you,
124
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,748
takes all your stuff, and you
have to go live in your car.
125
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,049
Whoa.
126
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:18,218
Yeah.
127
00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:19,887
(doorbell rings)
128
00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,456
What kind of car
do you think I'll have?
129
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,827
Hello.
130
00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,028
Hi.
131
00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:29,863
I'm Charlie Harper,
and this is Jake.
132
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:30,864
We live next door.
133
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:31,832
Right, Jake?
134
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:32,833
I'm Jake.
135
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:34,835
Hi, I'm Celeste.
136
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,537
I'm Jake.
137
00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:38,238
Honey, is that
the cable guy?
138
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:40,207
No, Dad, it's
our neighbors.
139
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,476
Jerome Burnett.
140
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,145
Hi.
141
00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,113
Charlie Harper.
142
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,615
This is my nephew Jake.
143
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,316
We just came by to welcome you
to the neighborhood.
144
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:50,484
Well, that was
very nice of you.
145
00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:52,052
Yeah, welcome
to the neighborhood.
146
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,120
Bye.
147
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,055
Hang on. Hang on.
148
00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:56,390
Do you know who this man is?
149
00:05:56,457 --> 00:06:00,093
Yeah, her dad. Bye.
150
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,695
This is Jerome Burnett,
151
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:04,364
one of the great NFL players
of all time.
152
00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:05,966
You're very kind.
Thank you.
153
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,368
You know
what his nickname was, Jake?
154
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:09,369
No.
155
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:10,571
Tell him.
156
00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,446
Mad Dog.
157
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:21,582
That's great.
158
00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:22,716
Can I use your bathroom?
159
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,885
Honey, show him
where it is.
160
00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:26,053
Come on, Jake.
161
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:29,490
Lady in the house, Jake.
Put the seat back down.
162
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:32,392
So what have you been
up to lately?
163
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,727
Oh, still working
for the Chargers.
164
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:34,962
You know, mostly
front office stuff.
165
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,096
Really?
166
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:38,432
So you probably have access
to tickets and such.
167
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:40,300
I do. Do you want me
to hook you up?
168
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,369
Oh, gee,
I don't want to impose.
169
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,037
I just came by to say hello.
170
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,606
Can you get me a sky box?
171
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,543
I'll see what I can do.
172
00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:51,111
That'd be great.
173
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,980
And I'm guessing if a,
if a player got injured,
174
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:55,348
you'd probably be one
of the first to know about it.
175
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,250
You know,
even before the, uh,
176
00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:59,487
what do you call 'em--
bookies?
177
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,856
Don't push it, Charlie.
178
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,091
Hey, Dad, would
it be all right
179
00:07:04,157 --> 00:07:06,326
if Jake and I take
a walk on the beach?
180
00:07:06,393 --> 00:07:07,661
Yeah, sure, why not?
181
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:10,731
Thanks. See you later.
182
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,337
Isn't that nice?
183
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:20,007
That boy touches
my daughter,
184
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:22,576
I'm going to be
touching you.
185
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,378
Understood.
186
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,379
(clears throat)
187
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,616
Can I use your bathroom?
188
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:31,885
* Men. *
189
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,221
Here you go,
Mr. Harper.
190
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,256
Oh, oh, thank you.
191
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:40,928
Mmm... cappuccino.
192
00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:43,864
I wonder what they're serving
at the domestic dealerships.
193
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,699
They do take good care
of you here.
194
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:46,867
Of course, they ought to,
195
00:07:46,934 --> 00:07:48,869
considering what we paid
for our cars.
196
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:49,670
Oh, yeah.
197
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:50,671
They are expensive.
198
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,673
Is that your CL65 outside?
199
00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:57,277
Uh... yes, it is mine.
200
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:59,479
How do you like it?
201
00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:01,549
What's not to like?
202
00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:02,516
It does everything
but trim your toenails.
203
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,251
(chuckling)
204
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,120
Or maybe it does and I just
haven't found the button yet.
205
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:10,991
Not that I need
to trim my toenails.
206
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:14,127
Did 'em last night.
207
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,228
Over the tub.
208
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:17,531
Clip, ping, clip, ping!
209
00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:21,935
Diane.
210
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,004
Alan.
211
00:08:24,071 --> 00:08:25,305
(both chuckle)
212
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:26,473
So you live around here, Alan?
213
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:27,908
Uh, no,
I live down by the beach.
214
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:30,377
Santa Monica?
Uh, Malibu.
215
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:32,279
Ooh, Malibu.
216
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,446
(chuckles)
217
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,048
Yep.
218
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,651
Malibu.
219
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:40,654
Yeah, uh,
we just call it "the Boo."
220
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:46,627
You know, like, "Hey,
how are things down at the Boo?"
221
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,262
Mr. Harper,
your car is ready.
222
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,464
Oh, uh, thank you.
I'll, uh, I'll be right there.
223
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,001
Well, uh, looks
like I'm all done here.
224
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,570
Guess I'll, uh,
head back to the Boo.
225
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:57,771
Don't rub it in.
226
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,573
They told me
I'd be here all day.
227
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,108
Oh, that's terrible.
228
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,342
And I'm starving.
229
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:04,544
Oh, well, they have
the little croissants
230
00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:06,647
and the, uh, and the
chocolate chip cookies.
231
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:13,253
Or, uh, maybe I could take you
out for a nice lunch.
232
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,387
That would be lovely, Alan.
233
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:15,522
Thank you.
Well, terrific.
234
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:19,126
Let's go.
(both chuckling)
235
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,061
This never happened
with the Volvo.
236
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,699
* Men. *
237
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:28,669
(doorbell rings)
238
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,074
It's 5:00.
239
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:37,845
Thanks. I almost slept
through happy hour.
240
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,647
Where's my little girl?
241
00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:40,648
They're not back yet?
242
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,215
Why else would I be here?
243
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,884
Honestly, I was
thinking happy hour.
244
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:48,856
Let me give Jake a call,
see what's keeping 'em.
245
00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,557
Yeah, you do that.
246
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,525
Did you try calling
your daughter?
247
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,427
She left her cell phone
at the house.
248
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,963
(chuckles)
249
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,397
Kids, huh?
250
00:09:57,464 --> 00:09:59,566
It's ringing.
251
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:02,535
(over phone):
* Yo, bitch,
I'm gonna slap you up *
252
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,204
* Yo, bitch,
I'll slap you up *
253
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:07,675
* Yo, bitch,
I'm gonna slap you up... *
254
00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:11,344
Oh, that's unfortunate
on so many levels.
255
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,647
(music continues indistinctly
over phone)
256
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,694
* Yo, bitch,
I'm gonna slap you up *
257
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,729
* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up
258
00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:31,264
(music continues indistinctly
over phone)
259
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,485
* Yo, bitch,
I'm gonna slap you up *
260
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,054
* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up
261
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,957
* Yo, bitch,
I'm gonna slap you up *
262
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,258
* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up
263
00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:02,595
* Yo, bitch,
I'm gonna slap you up *
264
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,898
* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up
265
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,500
* Yo, bitch,
I'm gonna slap you up *
266
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,137
* Yo, bitch, I'll slap you up
267
00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,305
* Yo, bitch,
I'm gonna slap you up *
268
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:14,708
* Yo, bitch,
I'll slap you up... *
269
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:18,145
* Men. *
270
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,080
This is just
my pied-à-terre.
271
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,415
I spend most of my time
out at the beach house.
272
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,151
Looks like you haven't
been here in a while.
273
00:11:24,217 --> 00:11:25,518
Oh, just two weeks.
274
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,221
Don't you have someone
to come in to water your plants?
275
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,824
Oh, I do, but he's
incredibly unreliable.
276
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:32,960
My brother.
277
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:36,129
Oh.
A bit of a mooch.
278
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,832
So, now that
we're here,
279
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,433
what do you want to do?
280
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:43,336
Ah, gee, I don't know, I...
281
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,374
Oh, well, that's an option.
282
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:52,112
(ringtone playing)
283
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:58,018
Oh, excuse me.
284
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,453
Alan Harper speaking.
285
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,891
(hushed):
I know who's speaking,
you dill weed.
286
00:12:03,957 --> 00:12:05,325
We've got a problem here.
287
00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:10,697
Oh, really?
288
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:13,433
It's the mooch at the Boo.
289
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,669
So, uh, what's the problem?
290
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,606
Not the wine cellar again,
is it?
291
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:23,310
What are you talking about,
you gibbering moron?
292
00:12:23,376 --> 00:12:25,512
Good, good.
293
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,784
Listen to me, your idiot son's
about to get me killed.
294
00:12:30,851 --> 00:12:34,154
Oh, so he's okay?
295
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,089
He's great. Probably having
the time of his life.
296
00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:37,557
I'm the one in trouble.
297
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:41,094
Uh, well, I-I-I trust you
to take care of it.
298
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:42,362
Thanks for the update.
299
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,064
Take a bottle
of Pinot for yourself.
300
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,835
Alan?
301
00:12:50,871 --> 00:12:52,105
Oh!
302
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:57,210
My God, I thought
there was an eclipse.
303
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,914
Excuse me, I need
to go to the bathroom again.
304
00:13:11,992 --> 00:13:14,127
(both moaning pleasurably)
305
00:13:15,996 --> 00:13:17,464
(giggling)
306
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,666
Oh! I knew it.
307
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:20,934
You're married.
308
00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,270
Oh, oh, no-no-no.
I'm not married.
309
00:13:23,336 --> 00:13:25,038
This is, uh,
this is just, uh...
310
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,074
A silk evening gown.
311
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,809
Actually, I think it's chiffon.
312
00:13:29,877 --> 00:13:31,678
You men are all the same.
313
00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:32,812
No, no, no, wait.
Diane, Diane...
314
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,382
You've got the wrong idea.
315
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:36,850
There's something
you don't know about me.
316
00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,318
You're gay?
No.
317
00:13:38,385 --> 00:13:40,087
You're a cross-dresser?
No.
318
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,622
'Cause, you know,
I could really get into that.
319
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:44,958
Yes!
320
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:48,862
I'm a big, ol' cross-dresser.
321
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:53,533
Sorry it took so long.
322
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,135
I had a little accident.
323
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:57,070
Come on, you and me
are going to go out
324
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,071
and find those kids.
325
00:13:58,138 --> 00:13:59,272
Jerome, Jerome, hang on.
326
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,909
What?!
Oh!
327
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,911
Still pretty nimble.
328
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,347
Let's sit down,
329
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:10,017
take a deep breath, and talk
this through for a minute.
330
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:12,953
Come on, big fella.
331
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:16,089
Please?
332
00:14:17,724 --> 00:14:19,792
Make it quick.
333
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,794
Okay, here's the deal.
334
00:14:21,861 --> 00:14:23,964
Jake is harmless.
335
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:25,966
You don't have
a thing to worry about,
336
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,368
unless your daughter's
made out of doughnuts.
337
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,940
Which I'm assuming she's not.
338
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,842
Look, Celeste is all I've got.
339
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:38,111
You don't know what it's like
being a single father.
340
00:14:38,178 --> 00:14:40,547
You're right. I don't.
341
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:41,982
But I do know what it's like
342
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:44,284
to exploit women
with daddy issues.
343
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:47,020
What the hell are you
talking about?
344
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:49,489
Believe me, if you don't
trust your daughter
345
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,624
to make her own decisions,
if you try to control her life,
346
00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:53,160
she's just going
to grow up to resent you.
347
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,894
And the next
thing you know,
348
00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,863
she'll be trying
to punish you by going out
349
00:14:56,930 --> 00:15:00,367
with some weaselly little
con artist like, well, me.
350
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,972
And you can't kill us all.
351
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:09,209
I can try.
352
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,712
Let me start again.
353
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:16,649
ALAN:
Uh, uh, uh, are you sure
this is what you want?
354
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,986
Oh, yeah, baby.
355
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:22,589
It's always been
one of my fantasies.
356
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:23,690
Oh, okay.
357
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,158
Just a little heads-up:
358
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,794
I'm wearing the panties,
but I'm not bikini-safe.
359
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:30,263
Ugh, my ass looks huge in this.
360
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:36,069
Diane?
(engine starts)
361
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,008
(tires screeching)
362
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,376
Oh, no. Oh, no!
363
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:46,213
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
364
00:15:48,015 --> 00:15:50,117
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no!
365
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,954
Not bad.
366
00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,826
(door closes)
367
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,029
Oh, no! Oh, no!
368
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,966
Yes, yes,
my car has been stolen.
369
00:16:07,034 --> 00:16:08,235
Yes, just now.
370
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,403
If you hurry, you ca...
371
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,072
Sure, I'll hold.
372
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,975
EVELYN:
Why am I
not surprised?
373
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:21,348
Did it have to be
my red chiffon?
374
00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:28,355
* Men. *
375
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:30,623
(sobbing):
Then after I
blew out my knee,
376
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,059
my wife left me.
377
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,661
Oh, man, I'm sorry.
378
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,329
For a place kicker.
379
00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:41,434
Ooh, insult to injury.
380
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,271
A little, tiny dude from Serbia.
381
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:48,175
Not a single vowel
in his entire name.
382
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:53,346
Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck.
383
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:57,450
That guy could sure
split the uprights.
384
00:16:57,517 --> 00:17:00,553
In a football manner
of speaking.
385
00:17:01,954 --> 00:17:04,457
And ever since then,
it's just been me and Celeste.
386
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,692
Sure, sure.
387
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:06,993
I don't know what I'd do
388
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,628
if anything ever happened
to her, Charlie.
389
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,164
I'd go crazy.
390
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:15,302
I'd go crazy just
thinking about it.
391
00:17:21,474 --> 00:17:24,977
Well, then, for God's sake,
don't think about it.
392
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,946
Come on. Come on.
393
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,348
Let's get you home.
394
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:30,817
Thanks, Charlie.
You're okay.
395
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,019
No problem.
396
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:34,521
You just kick back and relax.
397
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:37,457
And when Celeste walks
through that door,
398
00:17:37,524 --> 00:17:40,059
all you've got to do
is act like nothing's happened.
399
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,294
You think something happened?
400
00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:44,131
No, no, no,
nothing happened.
401
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:46,233
Which is why
it's not really acting.
402
00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:48,335
And it will show your daughter
that you trust her.
403
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,104
Okay, I'll give it a shot.
404
00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,072
You won't be sorry.
I promise.
405
00:17:53,140 --> 00:17:54,407
Okay.
406
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:55,508
Hey, come over to the house.
407
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,144
I've got a couple of tickets
408
00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:58,778
for Sunday's game
I want to lay on you.
409
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,347
Oh, you don't have to do that.
410
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,682
I'll just grab my keys.
Okay, let's go.
411
00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:06,653
* Men. *
412
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:08,087
Whatever happened
to the guy you tackled
413
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,357
in the Tampa Bay game?
Robinson?
414
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,691
He's walking again.
415
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,962
Celeste!
416
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:17,564
Oh! Hi, Dad.
417
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:22,435
Hey, Mr. Mad Dog.
418
00:18:26,173 --> 00:18:29,142
Am I going to be
walking again?
419
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,679
* Men. *
420
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:35,582
Listen, Jake.
421
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:37,884
I'm real proud
that you stepped up
422
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,252
and got a little action tonight,
423
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,953
but I've got to ask you
something.
424
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:42,222
What?
425
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:45,725
Are you out of your
freakin' mind?!
426
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:46,526
I'm sorry.
427
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:47,760
We just lost track of time.
428
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:49,128
Yeah, well,
thanks to you,
429
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,798
I've got to change my shorts
for the second time today.
430
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:57,204
Oh, there's my phone.
431
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,272
Who are you calling?
Celeste.
432
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:02,175
No-no, no, no, no, no,
cool it with Celeste.
433
00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,544
And change your ringtone.
434
00:19:06,679 --> 00:19:07,747
(knocking)
435
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:08,848
Now what?
436
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,163
I'll be with you in a minute.
437
00:19:24,231 --> 00:19:26,399
Jake, go to your room.
438
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:28,335
No matter what you hear,
do not come out.
439
00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,470
What?
Just go!
440
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,311
Look,
441
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,846
I spoke to the kid.
442
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:41,648
He's not going to bother
your daughter anymore.
443
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:44,817
So whatever you gotta do,
do it to me.
444
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,954
I'm sorry, buddy.
445
00:19:49,789 --> 00:19:51,758
I overreacted.
446
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:53,159
Okay.
447
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:54,494
Celeste told me everything.
448
00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:56,963
She told me your boy
was a perfect gentleman
449
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,398
and that she wanted to kiss him.
450
00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:00,199
She wanted to kiss him?
451
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:03,936
You may have bigger problems
than you thought.
452
00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:07,274
Hey, here's two tickets
for the game.
453
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:08,841
You take Jake;
I'll bring Celeste.
454
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:10,176
We'll make a day of it.
455
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,279
Oh, thanks.
That's... that's great!
456
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,547
Excuse me.
Sorry.
457
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,259
Okay, well...
458
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:27,927
See you Sunday.
Sure.
459
00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:34,567
Alan! Where's my car?!
460
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,904
Why are you wearing a dress?!
461
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,407
Alan!
(knocking)
462
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:47,847
Why aren't you in Mexico?!
31057
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