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1
00:00:00,668 --> 00:00:02,970
Previously on:
2
00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:05,173
Wait. Judith threw Herb out?
When?
3
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,774
Apparently, about a week ago.
4
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,210
Of course you can't compete
hard body to hard body,
5
00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:11,345
but you're still a
very desirable woman.
6
00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:12,780
You think so?
7
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:15,216
Oh! Oh, Alan.
8
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:18,652
You're a good man, and I'm never
gonna let you go again.
9
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,054
(laughs)
10
00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:21,555
Never?
11
00:00:24,058 --> 00:00:25,659
I thought
you'd be happy.
12
00:00:25,726 --> 00:00:26,994
I thought so, too.
13
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,329
I mean, come on.
14
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:30,464
You had the woman
who took all your money
15
00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:33,101
and threw you out of your house,
naked and crouched on the sofa.
16
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:34,735
There was no sofa.
17
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:38,005
It was the divan in her bedroom,
and I was doing the crouching.
18
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,307
Why were you...?
19
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:41,109
Never mind.
I don't want to know.
20
00:00:41,175 --> 00:00:44,011
The point is, you won.
21
00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,214
You had a perfect night
of revenge sex.
22
00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,849
That's the fourth best kind
of sex you can have.
23
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,084
Fourth?
24
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:51,385
What are the other...?
25
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:53,020
Never mind.
I don't want to know.
26
00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:56,357
Charlie, the problem is that now
that Judith and Herb are over,
27
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:58,058
she thinks that we're...
28
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:01,061
...back to square one
29
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:05,399
in dealing
with the PTA carnival.
30
00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:06,734
What?
31
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,369
The-The school carnival
32
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,671
that we used to,
uh, raise money for.
33
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:13,641
(quietly):
I don't want Jake to know
about me and Judith...
34
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,776
...Ithcariot.
35
00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:18,246
Judith Ithcariot.
36
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,448
Who thold out our lord
for 30 pieces of thilver.
37
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,483
What are you talking about?
38
00:01:22,550 --> 00:01:24,452
Oh, I was just, uh,
telling your uncle
39
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:27,221
about this, uh... this, uh...
this great, uh, cartoon.
40
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:30,558
Uh, "Daffy Duck and the Greateth
Sthory Ever Told."
41
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,360
Sounds lame.
42
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,728
Classic Warner
Brothers animation.
43
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:35,496
(laughs)
44
00:01:35,563 --> 00:01:38,366
Boy, you really suck at this.
45
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,968
The thing is, I'm not sure
I want to be back with Judith.
46
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:43,437
Well, let's look
at the pros and cons.
47
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,573
The pros are,
if you move out,
48
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,975
I'll have
an empty guest room....
49
00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:52,713
tinest, tootin'est apostle
in all of Jerusalem.
50
00:01:52,780 --> 00:01:54,114
Gethsemane Sam!
51
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:55,883
What?
52
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:57,385
Or how about
Barabas Bunny?
53
00:01:57,451 --> 00:01:59,687
(like Bugs Bunny):
Uh, what's up, Pontius?
54
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,023
If Berta finds out
you're leaving,
55
00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:05,526
she'll want your room,
and I don't need a live-in maid.
56
00:02:05,593 --> 00:02:06,794
Oh, don't worry.
I'm not leaving.
57
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:08,762
Oh, good, 'cause I was worried.
58
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:10,431
Look,
59
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:12,233
I have already been married
to Judith, and we...
60
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:13,501
We... We...
61
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,869
We should send Jack
to military school?
62
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,871
What?
63
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,340
Oh, oh, uh, yeah.
64
00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:21,074
Charlie, he wasn't supposed
to hear that.
65
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,110
I'm going
to military school?
66
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,712
If you don't shape up, yeah.
67
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:27,281
And it's not gonna be
our military, either.
68
00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,819
I don't want to go
to any military school.
69
00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:34,154
Well, then, you better get
to your homework.
70
00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:36,757
Okay, okay.
71
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:38,992
Extortion.
72
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,160
So simple.
73
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,795
Who knew?
Yeah.
74
00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,232
If the kid's going
to military school,
75
00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,534
I'll take his room.
76
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,602
No, no, Berta,
you misunderstood.
77
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,137
He's not going
to military school?
78
00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:51,639
JAKE:
I'm not going
to military school?!
79
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:53,274
You are going
to military school!
80
00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:54,842
He's not going
to military school.
81
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,877
Okay, then,
I'll take Zippy's room
82
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,479
when he moves back to Judith.
83
00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:04,117
(whispers):
Oh, for God's sake,
does she hear everything?
84
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,387
BERTA:
Some things I just infer.
85
00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:11,592
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
86
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:14,628
* Oh-ho
* Men. *
87
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,135
Get me another
beer, would you?
88
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,805
Why can't you get it
yourself?
89
00:03:24,872 --> 00:03:27,641
(humming "Reveille")
90
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:38,719
This is beautiful.
91
00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:41,789
(phone ringing)
92
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,660
Hey, Judith. What's shakin'?
93
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:49,363
Mom, I'll be good! Don't send me
to military school!
94
00:03:49,430 --> 00:03:52,400
Where's that beer, maggot?
95
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:55,803
Nothing. Nothing.
96
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:58,706
Just a little game
we're playing.
97
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,475
So anyway, Judy,
what's new in your little world?
98
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:03,511
Hang on. I'll see if he's here.
99
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,913
(whispers):
Oh, no, no.
I'm not here. I'm not here.
100
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,681
Sorry, he's not here.
101
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,017
Oh, wait. He
just walked in.
102
00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,021
(whispers):
Why?
103
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:16,324
(whispers):
Why not?
104
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:19,960
Oh, hey, hey, Judith.
105
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,795
I was just about to call you.
106
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:23,030
Yeah. Uh, yeah.
107
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:24,398
Hold on a sec.
108
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:26,400
Let me... Let me
get some privacy.
109
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:27,935
What are they talking about?
110
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,970
Nothing important.
111
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:38,412
I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
112
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,853
(playing gentle melody)
113
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:48,055
Where's Jake?
114
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,857
Washing my car.
115
00:04:51,592 --> 00:04:54,395
Then he's gonna clean
the garage.
116
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,964
We should have thought of this
years ago.
117
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,400
I know. I'm kicking myself.
118
00:04:59,467 --> 00:05:01,034
Okay, I won't be late.
119
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,069
Hot date with the ex?
120
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,637
Oh, no, nothing hot about it.
121
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,072
It's just dinner,
and I'm going to tell her
122
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,840
that the other night
was just a onetime thing,
123
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,009
and that I don't see
that we have a future together.
124
00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,011
But me you see a future with?
125
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,383
I finished the garage.
126
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:16,350
You sure?
127
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,352
Yeah.
128
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,854
(plays "The Halls
of Montezuma")
129
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,022
Let me look again.
130
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:25,959
(ends song with a flourish)
131
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,096
More wine?
132
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:30,297
Oh, I'd-I'd better not.
133
00:05:30,364 --> 00:05:31,465
I have to drive.
134
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,166
Have some more wine.
Oh.
135
00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:35,369
Maybe a splash.
136
00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:37,738
Oh, oh, my.
137
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:38,772
(laughs)
138
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:41,341
I, uh, hope
this is a good driving wine.
139
00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,544
(laughs)
140
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,316
Oh, that-that feels good.
141
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:50,618
I'm glad.
142
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,019
Have you been
working out?
143
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:53,120
Oh, just the Bowflex.
144
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:55,689
I, uh, had to give up
my gym membership
145
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,658
so I could get my tooth filled.
146
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,292
Well, whatever you're
doing, it's working.
147
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,661
A lot of
definition here.
148
00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,430
Oh, Oh, that would be this one.
149
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:04,832
Oh, yeah,
there it is.
150
00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:05,966
Yeah, yeah.
151
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,334
(laughs)
152
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:09,503
So, would you like
some dessert?
153
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,138
Oh, oh, don't go to any trouble.
154
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:12,372
It's no trouble, sweetie.
155
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,741
I like taking care of you.
156
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,744
And I like being taken care of.
157
00:06:19,312 --> 00:06:20,581
Ugh!
158
00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:22,983
Wake up! Wake up!
159
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,419
Um, uh, listen, Judith,
160
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:28,288
I-I've been thinking
about you and me.
161
00:06:28,355 --> 00:06:29,457
Me, too.
162
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:30,524
Oh. Oh. Oh, good.
163
00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:31,792
You know, even though
164
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,727
the other night
was wonderful and all,
165
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:35,529
I think it might be better
166
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,898
if we tried
slowing things down a bit.
167
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:39,299
I agree.
You do?
168
00:06:39,366 --> 00:06:42,002
Of course. I'm barely
out of my marriage to Herb.
169
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,537
True, true.
170
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:44,605
Here, careful.
Hot pudding.
171
00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,006
So, uh, you'll get the divorce,
172
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,175
and then, you know,
we'll see where we are.
173
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,643
That sounds great.
Well, good.
174
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:52,012
I'm, uh... I'm glad
we're on the same page.
175
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,982
(grunts)
176
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,150
Oh, hot.
I told you
it was hot.
177
00:06:57,217 --> 00:06:58,351
Hot! Hot! Hot!
178
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,787
Have some more wine.
179
00:06:59,853 --> 00:07:01,655
Aw. Oh.
180
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:02,956
That's better.
That's better.
181
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:04,291
I'll get your spoon.
182
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:05,626
Oh. Oh, God.
183
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:07,828
Oh.... pudding!
184
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,435
MAN (on TV):
So when the moment's right,
and she's ready,
185
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,037
you'll be ready, too.
186
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,139
Side effects may include,
nausea, headaches, dry mouth,
187
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,974
blurred vision, dizziness,
anal leakage,
188
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,910
kidney failure
and massive stroke.
189
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:25,178
She'd better be ready
to call an ambulance.
190
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,483
Hey.
191
00:07:29,550 --> 00:07:31,051
Hey.
192
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,185
Is Jake asleep?
193
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:33,721
Probably not.
194
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:36,089
After dinner, I made him watch
Full Metal Jacket
195
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,324
and Deerhunter.
196
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:39,527
Oh, Charlie.
197
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:40,861
And how was your evening?
198
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:43,731
Oh, it was really
a lot of fun.
199
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:46,800
You know, I'd forgotten
how nice she can be.
200
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,001
Judith?
201
00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:49,803
Who else would I be
talking about?
202
00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:52,773
I don't know.
Somebody actually nice.
203
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:56,243
What was the name of
Jimmy Carter's wife?
204
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,344
Rosalynn?
205
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:59,847
She was nice.
206
00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:02,315
I always got a
good vibe off her.
207
00:08:02,382 --> 00:08:05,118
Are you drunk?
208
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,724
Define drunk.
209
00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,960
Would you rather
I talk to you in the morning?
210
00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:16,196
No, no. The liquor makes
you more interesting. Go on.
211
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,866
Judith's changed, Charlie.
212
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:20,934
She's-She's a different woman.
213
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,837
Different than the one who
threw you out of your house
214
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,373
with your nuts
in a to-go bag?
215
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:29,042
That's a little graphic,
don't you think?
216
00:08:29,109 --> 00:08:30,210
I'm an artist, Alan.
217
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,379
I paint with words.
218
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,114
You're a lush, Charlie.
219
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,248
You paint with vomit.
220
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:41,789
My point is that Judith has
become a warm, nurturing woman.
221
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:43,791
You nailed her
again, didn't you?
222
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,594
No, no, no, it was just,
just the one time.
223
00:08:46,660 --> 00:08:48,929
Tonight, we did not have sex.
224
00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:50,564
Technically.
225
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,866
Really? Judith?
226
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:56,804
I know. I had to keep peeking
to make sure it was her.
227
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:00,941
Well, congratulations.
228
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:02,943
So when are you
gonna move back in?
229
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,712
Ah, we're not quite there yet.
230
00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:06,213
Oh, come on, why wait?
231
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:09,082
We could load up the car and
drive over there tonight.
232
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:12,720
You promised if I shaped up,
I wouldn't have to go!
233
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,424
Aren't you starting
to feel a little guilty
234
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,059
about misleading him?
235
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:20,260
Yeah, I guess.
236
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:21,862
Tell you what.
237
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,897
After he finishes cleaning
the deck tomorrow,
238
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:27,000
let's really send him
to military school.
239
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,002
* Men.
240
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,274
How's it going?
241
00:09:34,341 --> 00:09:35,375
I'm almost done.
242
00:09:35,442 --> 00:09:36,844
What about the railing?
243
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,079
It's getting dark.
I won't finish in time.
244
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:41,181
No problem.
I'll give you a hand.
245
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,384
Gee, thanks.
246
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,854
You back-talkin' me, soldier?
247
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,021
No.
248
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,156
No what?
249
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:52,059
No way?
250
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:53,293
No, sir.
251
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,695
Right. No, sir.
252
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,463
That's better.
253
00:09:56,529 --> 00:10:01,635
* I don't know,
what I've been told *
254
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:05,338
* Screwin' with jughead
never gets old. *
255
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:07,607
Okay, don't wait up.
256
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:09,743
Hey, Alan,
257
00:10:09,810 --> 00:10:11,244
the chimney's a
little blocked up
258
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,013
with leaves and
crap, and I thought,
259
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,248
maybe if I tied a
rope around the kid,
260
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,050
I could lower him
down into it...
261
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,753
Charlie, that borders
on child abuse.
262
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,588
So, it's okay?
263
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:23,390
Around his waist, not his neck.
264
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,491
Good night, Jake.
265
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,727
Good night, Dad.
I love you.
266
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,265
Oh, Herb, hi.
267
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,233
Hey, Alan, Charlie.
268
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,401
Hey, Herb. What's up?
269
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,770
Well, I was just on my way
down to The Sand Dollar.
270
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,772
I thought maybe you and Alan
would like to join me.
271
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:39,773
It's ladies night.
272
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:40,941
What do you say, Alan?
273
00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,943
You can get in for half price.
274
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:47,180
Plus, all-you-can-eat
popcorn shrimp.
275
00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:47,981
CHARLIE:
Wow.
276
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:49,817
Just keeps getting better, huh?
277
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:52,753
No, I-I-I...
I have other plans.
278
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,521
Oh. Got a date?
279
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:55,588
Yeah, Alan.
280
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,424
You got a date?
281
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,259
No. A date?
282
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,928
Not likely.
283
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:03,263
No, I have a-a-a... a
meeting with the, uh,
284
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,333
the-the-the thing about
the... about the group.
285
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:07,500
I told you. Remember?
286
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:10,237
No. Tell me again.
287
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,606
He's a little pickled.
288
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,975
(chuckling)
289
00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:18,411
Uh, well, if you
must know, uh, uh,
290
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,580
I-I-I-I belong to a...
291
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:23,616
a book club that
I am going to.
292
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,385
Oh, that's right.
293
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,888
What book are you reading again?
294
00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:30,223
It's... it's
a mystery,
295
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:33,894
uh, called Why Are You
Doing This To Me?
296
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,329
Oh, yeah, it's by the same guy
297
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:39,767
who wrote
Because It Amuses Me.
298
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,435
Boy, I wouldn't
have had you two
299
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:44,404
pegged as readers.
300
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:47,507
Well, there you go.
301
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:48,508
Good night.
302
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:50,077
Hey, Alan?
Yeah?
303
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,611
You talk much to
Judith these days?
304
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:53,213
Nope, see you.
Oh, well,
305
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,382
if you speak to her,
tell her I say hi.
306
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:56,850
Okay.
And that the
307
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:58,986
time we spent together
is very special to me,
308
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,522
and if she needs anything,
uh, just call me.
309
00:12:02,589 --> 00:12:03,991
I'm there.
310
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:07,660
You know what's a good book?
311
00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:11,331
Under the Dining Room Table
by Richard Gobbler.
312
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:18,471
But... but it does not compare
313
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:21,942
to Wait Till Your Liver Fails
by Hope Udai.
314
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:29,516
Well, what do you say,
Charlie, huh?
315
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:30,984
Me and you?
316
00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,353
Go down to the Sand Dollar,
have a few drinks.
317
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,522
Who knows, maybe we'll meet
a couple of nice gals.
318
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,490
Sure, why not?
319
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:40,060
And if the pickings are slim,
you could always wrangle up
320
00:12:40,127 --> 00:12:41,494
some of your prostitute friends.
321
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:43,530
Oh, boy.
322
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,732
Prostitutes and popcorn shrimp.
323
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:48,869
All you can eat.
324
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:52,239
Okay, Herb,
325
00:12:52,305 --> 00:12:54,908
let me explain to you
something about hookers.
326
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,210
Oh, man.
327
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,980
Who's been feeding
the seagulls blueberries?
328
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,650
* Men.
329
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:04,918
Here you go.
330
00:13:04,985 --> 00:13:07,087
Oh, crème brûlée.
331
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:07,888
Yummy.
332
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,789
(chuckling)
333
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:16,063
(blowing)
334
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:20,834
(clanging)
335
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:23,036
Oops, I dropped
my spoon.
336
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,574
Um, you know, I...
I ran into Herb today.
337
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:28,909
(bang)
Ow!
338
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,612
What?
339
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,781
He came by the house.
340
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,683
Why would he come
by your house?
341
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:38,485
I just think he's lonely.
342
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,752
He misses you.
343
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:41,989
Well, too bad.
344
00:13:43,756 --> 00:13:46,059
So, you don't miss him?
345
00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,261
(bang)
Ow, ow, Alan!
346
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:50,163
Are we gonna spend all
night talking about Herb
347
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,932
or do you want me
to get my spoon?
348
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,366
Well, if you're
gonna bark at me,
349
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,335
there's really no point
in you getting your spoon.
350
00:13:55,402 --> 00:13:58,538
I'm not barking
at you, I'm...
351
00:13:58,605 --> 00:13:59,472
You're right.
352
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:00,673
I'm sorry.
353
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:03,143
I'm right and you're sorry?
354
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:04,244
Mm-hmm.
355
00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:05,612
Let's not waste
the night arguing
356
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:09,516
when we could spend it
doing anything you want.
357
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:11,718
Anything?
358
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,453
(whispering):
Anything.
359
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,989
Wow.
360
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,491
Can you say I'm right again?
361
00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,095
Geez, Herb, you live here?
362
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:23,463
This is really depressing.
363
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,098
You should see it
during the day.
364
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:28,301
You'd want to
hang yourself.
365
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,602
Well, ladies,
366
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,939
welcome to Casa de Herb.
367
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:34,707
That's Spanish
for House of Herb.
368
00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:36,409
Just open the door.
Hold on.
369
00:14:36,476 --> 00:14:38,345
I'll trade you
the lounge lizard
370
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,280
for the Jolly
Green Jackass.
371
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:41,614
I hope you gals like trains.
372
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:42,782
Slow down, buddy.
373
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:44,451
It's just the two of us.
374
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:51,191
All aboard!
375
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:56,896
I bet you thought
this was gonna be weird.
376
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,098
Pretty nice, huh?
377
00:14:58,165 --> 00:14:59,933
Best H.O. money can buy.
378
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:01,734
You don't have
to spell it, Herb.
379
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,003
They know what they are.
380
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,738
So, shall we
get this party started?
381
00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,540
Okeydokey.
382
00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:10,610
Would you like a snack
or a cold beverage?
383
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:13,580
Um, Herb, while there
is a social stigma
384
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,016
to this transaction, the
big plus is these girls
385
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,250
don't require any
wining and dining.
386
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:18,451
They just want
to do the deed,
387
00:15:18,518 --> 00:15:20,720
then get as far away
from us as they can.
388
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:23,090
Really?
389
00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:24,457
Not even a Snapple?
390
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,560
They're not
thirsty, Herb.
391
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:29,262
And you're paying
them by the hour.
392
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,365
Oh, okay.
393
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:34,801
Well, I guess we
should just, uh,
394
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:39,072
go to the bedroom
and, uh...
395
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,141
Don't make me do
this, Charlie.
396
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:42,909
What are you talking about?
397
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,111
This was your idea.
398
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:45,412
I don't care.
399
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,579
I'm not like you.
400
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,915
I can't lay with whores.
401
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,517
No offense.
402
00:15:50,583 --> 00:15:52,585
Where are you going?
403
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:53,820
I love my wife!
404
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,188
I want her back!
405
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,333
All aboard?
406
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:10,070
* Men.
407
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,839
(Alan humming)
408
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:15,575
Sweetie, uh,
you're humming again.
409
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:16,776
Sorry.
410
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,711
Don't know the words.
411
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,018
Um, okay, uh,
could you please
412
00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:27,020
not open your mouth
so wide?
413
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:31,691
Better now?
414
00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:33,260
Yeah, it's fine.
415
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:35,662
Just, uh, can you
not talk in my mouth?
416
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:36,963
Wow.
417
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:39,566
More rules than a public
pool around here.
418
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:40,800
They're not rules.
419
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:42,235
It's just, uh,
I know what I like,
420
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:43,403
and you're not doing it.
421
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:44,771
All right, fine,
what, uh...
422
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:45,772
what do you
like, Judith?
423
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,006
I have to tell you?
424
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,875
No, no, let me guess
and get yelled at.
425
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:49,776
Nobody's yelling
at you, Alan.
426
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,010
I'm not your mother.
427
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:52,412
Oh, you're right,
my mother
428
00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,447
can emasculate me without
raising her voice.
429
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:56,983
Oh, God, I can't do this.
430
00:16:57,050 --> 00:16:59,552
Do what?
I can't be
with you again.
431
00:16:59,619 --> 00:17:01,154
I was afraid
of being 40 years old
432
00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:02,489
and all by myself,
433
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:04,257
but dying alone
has got to be better
434
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,093
than being stuck with you.
435
00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:10,130
Okay, now you're starting
to sound like my mother.
436
00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:11,398
(knocking on door)
437
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,765
HERB:
Judith, I love you.
438
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:13,833
Please take me back.
439
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,803
Oh, boy, this is awkward.
440
00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,905
Coming, darling.
441
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:21,108
Get out of here.
442
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:23,610
Oh, uh, just so we're clear,
443
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:24,844
we've decided
to see other people?
444
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,413
Get out!
445
00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:30,817
* Men.
446
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,219
Thanks for the ride, girls.
447
00:17:32,285 --> 00:17:35,054
And for bringing me home.
448
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:41,027
* I've been working
on the railroad *
449
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:43,930
* All the livelong day
450
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:47,867
* Dinah won't you blow,
Dinah won't you blow... *
451
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:49,469
Hey, Alan.
452
00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:50,837
Hey.
453
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,739
Mind if I join you?
454
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:53,973
It's your house.
455
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,942
Oh, yeah.
456
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,610
Excuse me.
457
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,712
Pardon me, hot soup.
458
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:06,453
What the hell?
459
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:13,160
Well, that's
a little embarrassing.
460
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:14,827
What is that?
461
00:18:14,894 --> 00:18:16,896
A railroad crossing sign.
462
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:18,998
Sorry, I need more.
463
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:21,701
I was having sex on a train set.
464
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:25,004
How else do you get
a crossing sign
465
00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:27,207
stuck to your ass?
466
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,975
Of course.
467
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,210
Hey, it could
have been worse.
468
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,646
I could have had a caboose
in my caboose.
469
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:34,847
(chuckling)
470
00:18:34,914 --> 00:18:36,649
Well, come on, that's funny.
471
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:38,785
(forced, unenthusiastic
laughter)
472
00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:41,988
So, what happened when Herb
showed up at Judith's house?
473
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:43,556
How did you know about that?
474
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,258
Lucky guess.
475
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,528
She kicked me out again,
Charlie.
476
00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:50,297
I had to sneak
out her back door
477
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,499
while she threw herself
into Herb's arms.
478
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:54,701
(laughing)
479
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:55,902
What's so funny?
480
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,571
You said, "back door."
481
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,140
That reminds me
of my caboose joke.
482
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:04,177
Good night.
483
00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,913
I'm here all week.
484
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,549
Tip your waitresses.
485
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,893
Hey, Mom, it's Charlie.
486
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:22,128
Yeah, I know it's late.
487
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,931
Listen, do you think
this is funny?
488
00:19:27,934 --> 00:19:29,135
Huh.
489
00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,170
Must have got disconnected.
490
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,977
Hey, Jake, you sleeping?
491
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,247
* Men.
492
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:44,751
* Men.
493
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:45,885
(doorbell ringing)
494
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,119
Doorbell.
Doorbell!
495
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,655
ALAN:
Coming.
496
00:19:56,663 --> 00:19:57,764
Oh.
497
00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:59,299
Oh, hi, uh, thanks
for bringing him over.
498
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,767
Oh, no problem--
hey, guess what?
499
00:20:00,833 --> 00:20:03,403
Uh, Herb, why don't
we let Jake tell him.
500
00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:04,671
Uh, tell me what?
501
00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:05,938
Jake?
502
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:07,006
My grades
aren't good enough
503
00:20:07,073 --> 00:20:09,509
for military school,
so ha-ha.
504
00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:13,613
No, sweetheart,
the other thing.
505
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:14,714
Oh.
506
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,649
I'm gonna have
a little brother or sister.
507
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,820
You're... you're pregnant?
508
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:21,821
Yes, Alan.
509
00:20:21,888 --> 00:20:24,090
Herb and I are going
to have a baby.
510
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:25,658
Congratulations.
511
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:28,295
Try to keep this one away
from the lead paint.
512
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:31,898
Did you hear that Alan?
513
00:20:31,964 --> 00:20:34,066
They've only been back
together six weeks,
514
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:36,503
and they're gonna
have a baby.
515
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,706
I heard.
516
00:20:39,772 --> 00:20:40,840
Come on in.
517
00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,174
We'll pop a bottle
of champagne.
518
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:43,443
(gasps)
Champagne.
519
00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,712
Uh, no, we really
should be going.
520
00:20:45,778 --> 00:20:46,846
Come on, Herb.
521
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,581
Good-bye.
Ah, shoot.
522
00:20:49,549 --> 00:20:53,085
What a remarkable
coincidence.
523
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:54,854
Yeah, coincidence.
524
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:56,723
You okay?
No.
525
00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:59,492
Come on,
let's sit you down.
526
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:02,295
Yeah... let's
sit me down.
527
00:21:04,431 --> 00:21:06,065
Here you go, buddy.
528
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:09,168
Here I go.
529
00:21:09,235 --> 00:21:11,304
What's wrong
with him?
530
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:14,006
He's doing math
in his head.
531
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:23,483
Oh, yeah, that's a bitch.
35151
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