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1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:05,273
all this time
without a jockstrap.
2
00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:06,207
I don't like it.
3
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,576
It feels like I'm flossing
my butt crack.
4
00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,044
Based on what I'm paying
your dentist,
5
00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:12,680
you know nothing about flossing.
6
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:15,416
Think of it as
a bra for your balls.
7
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:19,087
Oh, now I want one.
8
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,354
What size are you?
9
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:22,123
How should I know?
10
00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:23,724
I think they have one
of those measuring things.
11
00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:26,494
You know, like at
the shoe store.
12
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,428
Length, width.
13
00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,197
He's kidding, right?
14
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:30,764
Yes, he's joking,
15
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,568
Don't do that.
16
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,437
Here, "teen."
17
00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,739
Think you can fit
your junk into that?
18
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,674
I'll make it fit.
Let's just go.
19
00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:43,177
No, no, put it on
over your pants.
We'll take a look.
20
00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:44,845
The heck you will.
21
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,480
Charlie, you're
embarrassing him.
22
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:47,648
Of course I am.
23
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:48,782
That's why I came.
24
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,651
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Excuse me.
25
00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:52,120
Charlie Harper?
26
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:55,223
Where? He owes
me money.
27
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,157
Miss Pasternak?
28
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,627
Jake! Wow, look at you.
29
00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:00,761
Look how much you've grown.
30
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:02,230
I reached puberty.
31
00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:05,233
Oh, right, Miss Pasternak,
fifth grade,
32
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,301
Woodward Avenue
Elementary School.
33
00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:09,137
Oh, yeah,
Miss Pasternak!
34
00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,173
Oh, yeah,
Miss Pasternak.
35
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,708
So, are you still
teaching?
36
00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:15,743
No. No, I'm not.
37
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,311
How are you, Charlie?
38
00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:18,812
Good, good. Nice to
see you. Long time.
39
00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,414
You look terrific.
Guess who's wearing a jock.
40
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,383
Oh, how nice.
41
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,851
Well, it's great to see you all.
42
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,586
Good-bye.
43
00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:26,720
Bye, Miss Pasternak.
44
00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,223
Dodged a bullet there.
45
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:30,758
I'll say.
46
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,261
She was kind of shook up
after I broke it off with her.
47
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,462
Kind of shook up?
48
00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:36,430
She went bananas
and bit the gym teacher.
49
00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:37,698
Where?
50
00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:39,767
In the gym.
51
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,170
You miserable
son of a bitch!
52
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,238
I gave you my heart,
I gave you my soul,
53
00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,674
I gave you my body and
you just threw me aside
54
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,542
like I was some
piece of garbage!
55
00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,778
Yeah, my bad.
56
00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:52,613
So, what's new?
57
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:53,714
Oh, you want to catch up?
58
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,349
Yeah, sure, let's catch up.
59
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:57,785
Let's see, um, well, okay,
after you dumped me,
60
00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,553
I had a nervous breakdown.
61
00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:02,656
Well, it sure looks
like you bounced back.
62
00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,858
And then after my breakdown,
63
00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:07,361
I got fired and blackballed
from teaching.
64
00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:09,597
Oh... bummer.
65
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,265
So, what are you up to now?
66
00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:13,167
I'll tell you what
I'm up to now.
67
00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:15,336
I lost my house, I'm
living in a cheap motel,
68
00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:17,871
and my new career is giving
lap dances to strangers
69
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:21,275
while I'm swinging by my crotch
on a pole eight times a night.
70
00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:24,745
Have you considered
an athletic supporter?
71
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:28,916
Okay, well,
thanks for the update.
72
00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:30,184
Nice seeing you.
73
00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,385
(hushed):
Move, move, move.
74
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:32,420
You ruined my life,
Charlie Harper!
75
00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:34,388
Righto. Bye.
76
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:35,956
We didn't pay for
the jockstrap.
Just keep walking.
77
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:39,593
How can you live with yourself,
you horrible evil man?!
78
00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:41,195
He drinks.
79
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,500
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
80
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,870
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
81
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:53,341
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
82
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,443
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
83
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,945
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
84
00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,948
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
85
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:05,486
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
86
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,494
We're making an apple
and sugar mixture...
87
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,728
What are you watching?
88
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:15,629
The Food Network.
89
00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:16,830
I'm learning how
90
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,466
to prepare a
cinnamon-apple cobbler.
91
00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:22,503
Tired of being at the mercy
of the dealers, huh?
92
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,971
What?
93
00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,539
Nothing, nothing.
94
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:28,376
Listen, I think
I owe you an apology.
95
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:29,610
For what?
96
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,745
You know, this morning
in the drugstore?
97
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,581
Oh, yeah, the jockstrap jokes.
98
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,349
You shou be sorry.
99
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,451
No, not the jockstrap jokes.
100
00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:40,554
Those were funny.
I stand by those.
101
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:43,491
I meant the run-in
with your old teacher.
102
00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,793
You probably shouldn't
have seen that.
103
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,295
I've seen worse.
104
00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:48,696
Remember the Pilates
instructor who threw
105
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,465
the lit road flare
through your bedroom window?
106
00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:54,001
Yeah.
That was awesome.
107
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:56,337
That's one word
for it.
108
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,306
Oh, and remember
the dental hygienist
109
00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,408
who shot your ass up
full of Novocain?
110
00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:01,542
I do.
111
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:02,743
That was so funny.
112
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,713
You kept falling off the toilet.
113
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:09,317
Yeah, good times.
114
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,553
What do you do
that gets these women
so pissed off at you?
115
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,822
It's hard to say exactly.
116
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,057
I guess when a guy
has an intimate relationship...
117
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,726
Oh, remember the girl
from the tanning salon
118
00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:21,061
who tried to shoot you
with a bow and arrow?
119
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,531
Yeah, Jake.
120
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:27,868
My point is, I was wrong in
the way I treated those women,
121
00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,870
and you should learn a lesson
from my mistakes.
122
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:32,673
You mean like keep
a fire extinguisher by your bed?
123
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:35,309
Sure, that's one lesson.
124
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:36,877
And whenever a dental hygienist
drops a quarter,
125
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,846
never bend over to pick it up?
126
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,848
Yeah, that, too.
127
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,516
And never go
to a Halloween party
128
00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:43,917
with a girl dressed
as Robin Hood?
129
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,053
The thing is, Jake,
130
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,088
you wouldn't have to learn
any of these lessons
131
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,824
if you always treated women
better in the first place.
132
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:53,060
I'm confused.
If I don't have to learn them,
133
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,295
why are you bothering me
with them?
134
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:01,802
I don't know.
135
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:10,010
I'm sorry to take up
your valuable time.
136
00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:13,313
What the heck
was that all about?
137
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,352
* Men. *
138
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,990
Hey. Guess what?
139
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:27,795
Turns out my kid's
jockstrap is too small.
140
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,364
Good news, eh?
141
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:32,666
Yeah, terrific.
142
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,101
Alan, let me
ask you something.
143
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,804
Do you think I'm a horrible,
evil person?
144
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,572
Yes.
145
00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:40,808
What? You are.
146
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,443
Thanks a lot.
147
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:44,878
Well, you know, not
intentionally evil.
148
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,414
I mean, you know,
149
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,383
is a tornado evil
when it picks up a mobile home
150
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:50,951
and flings it
into an orphanage?
151
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,920
Is a shark evil
152
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,923
when it eats some poor
schmuck on a boogie board?
153
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:59,159
Is a flesh-eating virus evil
when it attacks...?
154
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,728
I get it, I get it, I get it.
155
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,463
I'm a malevolent force
of nature.
156
00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,897
Pretty much.
157
00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:08,168
Is this about what happened
with Jake's old teacher today?
158
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,405
She said that I ruined her life.
159
00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:14,041
Well, she did choose
to sleep with you.
160
00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:17,077
How much of a life
could she have had
in the first place?
161
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,480
Don't try
to make me feel better.
162
00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:23,617
Because of me, the woman
lost her teaching career,
163
00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:26,654
and now she's dancing
in this skeevy club in Van Nuys
164
00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:28,422
and living
in some fleabag motel.
165
00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,758
How do you know
what club she works at?
166
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:33,794
The clubs have Web sites,
the Web sites have pictures.
167
00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:36,530
It's not rocket science.
168
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:40,033
Her dancing name
is Desiree Bush.
169
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:44,204
Certainly more colorful
than Delores Pasternak.
170
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,574
And presidential to boot.
171
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:49,910
I gotta tell you,
I'm feeling a little guilty.
172
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,712
Does that surprise you?
173
00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:55,082
No, what surprises me
is the liquor isn't helping.
174
00:06:55,115 --> 00:07:00,588
It just beads up on the guilt
and rolls right off it.
175
00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:03,524
Oh, come on,
this can't be the first woman
176
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:04,825
who had a nervous breakdown,
177
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,495
lost her job and wound up
taking her clothes off
178
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,530
for horny strangers
because of you.
179
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,765
Of course not.
180
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,770
But it's never
bothered me before.
181
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:20,608
Well, maybe
you're finally
182
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,242
developing
a conscience.
183
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,479
At long last realizing that
your actions have consequences
184
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,847
for other people.
185
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,183
Don't talk down to me,
Jiminy Cricket.
186
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,184
Sorry.
187
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,086
But you're right.
188
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,223
I do need to take responsibility
for the damage I've caused.
189
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:37,758
Where you going?
190
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,760
Where else? Strip club.
191
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,598
Wait up. I'll drive.
192
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:47,067
* Men. *
193
00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,770
("Cherry Pie" playing)
194
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,042
Good Lord,
she's quite the gymnast.
195
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:58,879
I know. I never understood
why this isn't in the Olympics
196
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:01,815
and synchronized diving is.
197
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:05,953
Hey, honey, when's
Miss Bush come out?
198
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,989
Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.
199
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,559
I mean Desiree Bush.
200
00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:12,960
She's around here somewhere.
201
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,995
Thank you.
202
00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:17,631
How come she's not taking
her clothes off?
203
00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:20,000
Because this is
a bikini club.
204
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,735
What's a bikini club?
205
00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:25,105
Hard liquor, no nipples.
206
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:28,008
Man, I could've stayed home
and seen no nipples.
207
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,047
Hey, there she is.
208
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,017
Miss Pasternak.
209
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:41,655
What the hell
are you doing here?
210
00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:43,056
I just wanted to talk to you.
211
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,092
Yeah, well, I'm working,
so unless you want
212
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,927
a private dance,
I got no time.
213
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,762
I don't need a dance.
Then you get lost.
214
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,297
No, no, wait, wait, wait.
215
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,632
Alan needs a dance.
216
00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:52,766
Oh, no, I don't, I-I...
217
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,001
I'm buying.
218
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,136
Do you mind if I take
my belt off?
219
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:58,071
So anyway,
I just wanted to tell you
220
00:08:58,105 --> 00:09:01,274
that I'm really sorry
for the way that I ended it,
221
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,743
and if there's
anything I can do
222
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,111
to make it right,
just let me now.
223
00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,680
(groans deeply)
224
00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,882
What can you do for me, Charlie?
225
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:11,652
Well, maybe I can help you
get back on your feet.
226
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,120
Oh, oh, not yet, not yet.
227
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:16,323
Are you gonna get me
my house back?
228
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,125
Are you gonna do that?
229
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,260
Ooh, doggies!
230
00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:24,197
Well, no.
231
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,233
My parents have disowned me.
232
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,636
Are you gonna fix
that relationship?
233
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,804
I'm not real good with parents.
234
00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:34,141
Uh, excuse me, I've gotta,
I've gotta readjust.
235
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,710
I'm playing ring toss
with my car keys.
236
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,281
What then? Are you gonna get me
my teacher's license back?
237
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:42,950
I wish I could.
238
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,185
Okay, I'm all set.
We can continue.
239
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,353
Alan, this doesn't concern you.
240
00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:48,188
At this point, it kinda does.
241
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:51,058
Come on,
hop on Pop.
242
00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:55,663
Thank you!
243
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,699
What if there was a way
for you to go back to teaching
244
00:09:58,732 --> 00:09:59,900
that didn't require a license?
245
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,635
What are you talking about?
246
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:03,904
Private tutoring
for a special-needs child.
247
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,272
Oh, oh, Charlie,
don't drag him into this.
248
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,107
Why not?
249
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,176
She's a good teacher,
and if his grades go any lower,
250
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:12,112
we'll have to start renting him
out as a speed bump.
251
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,413
Tutoring?
252
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,315
Yeah, I don't know.
253
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,317
I'll match
what you're making here.
254
00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,954
Is it okay with you, Alan?
255
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,389
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
256
00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:28,328
Okay, it's a deal.
257
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,063
Oh, thank you, thank you.
258
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:31,832
Now come on, teach.
259
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,967
I'll buy you a drink
and we'll toast your new career.
260
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,402
(laughs):
Great.
261
00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,971
Uh, uh... O-O-Okay.
262
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:42,743
I'll, uh, I'll catch up
with you guys later.
263
00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:44,712
Where's my belt?
264
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:50,117
* Men. *
265
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,985
Let me get this straight.
266
00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,987
She was his fifth grade teacher,
267
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,924
and then she became a stripper
because you dumped her,
268
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:59,693
and now she's his tutor
because you felt guilty?
269
00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:00,928
Pretty much.
270
00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,930
And you approved?
271
00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,398
He caught me at a weak moment.
272
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,901
Well, who am I to judge?
273
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:12,906
I almost traded one of my kids
for a riding lawn mower.
274
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:15,375
I'm sorry, but
I'm still confused.
275
00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,244
Oh, boy.
276
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:20,313
Hm. Okay, um...
277
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,049
let's look at it this way.
278
00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,017
How about if you
make $40 a dance.
279
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:27,087
If you want to find out
how much you can earn per hour,
280
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,289
you have to solve
fortimes 40,
281
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:32,125
X being the number of dances
you can do in an hour.
282
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:33,326
What about tips?
283
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,862
That's a variable.
284
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,463
Oh. I get it--
so the money
285
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,265
you kick back to
the house is...
286
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,934
The constant!
The constant!
287
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:41,969
Good for you.
288
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:44,004
That's a good start.
289
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,505
Yeah, it was.
You make learning fun.
290
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,140
(laughs):
Where you going?
291
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,408
Take a shower.
292
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,381
Guys, we're done!
293
00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,251
Hey. So, how'd it go?
294
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,120
Oh, a little slow.
295
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,823
He's not exactly
the quicker picker upper.
296
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:04,357
Well, that's why he needs you.
297
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:05,926
He's kind of an idiot.
298
00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,227
Yeah, uh,
299
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,462
I wasn't gonna say anything,
but wow.
300
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,200
So, we'll see you
tomorrow, then?
301
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,135
Great. Hey...
302
00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,904
Charlie, thank you.
303
00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:18,105
For what?
304
00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,273
Well, you've given me back
305
00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:22,409
something I lost
a long time ago.
306
00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,145
I gave it back?
307
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,147
How did I give it back?
308
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,082
My self-respect.
309
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:32,552
Oh, sure, that you can get back.
310
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:36,056
And you haven't even tried
to hit on me.
311
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,825
No. And I don't intend to.
312
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:40,360
I just want to see you
get your life together again.
313
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,863
Boy, I've hated you
for so many years.
314
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,365
I'm starting to think
maybe I was wrong.
315
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:48,001
No, no, no, you're were right--
this is new for me.
316
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,237
Well, I like this Charlie.
317
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,205
He's got a big heart.
318
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,173
Thank you.
319
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:58,278
Desiree, wait.
320
00:12:58,311 --> 00:12:59,880
Instead of going
back to that motel,
321
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:01,314
why don't you stay here?
322
00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:04,084
No strings-- just until
you can get a real apartment.
323
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,552
Where would I sleep?
324
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:06,820
You can have the guest room.
325
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,488
Well, where would Alan sleep?
326
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:12,459
If there was any justice,
at the bottom of a ravine.
327
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,596
* Men. *
328
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,032
I can't believe
you gave her my room.
329
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:22,936
I can't believe you're
still calling it your room.
330
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,238
How long is this
gonna last?
331
00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:27,240
Just until she gets
back on her feet.
332
00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,876
Oh, please,
that's a load of crap.
333
00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:30,377
That's what I said to you
six years ago.
334
00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,547
You've been here six years?
335
00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,950
I'll just go make up the couch.
336
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,623
(quietly):
Story of my life.
337
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,093
No boner goes unpunished.
338
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,263
* Men. *
339
00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:52,933
(door opens)
340
00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,306
Charlie.
341
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,342
Huh?
342
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,979
I was lying in bed alone,
and I had an epiphany.
343
00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,350
Okay.
344
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:15,055
It suddenly became clear to me
why you came back into my life.
345
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,256
Why?
346
00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,927
The Lord sent you.
347
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,394
The Lord?
348
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:26,099
Yes. He sent you to save me
from my sinful ways.
349
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,567
He did?
Yes.
350
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,438
I really don't think
he'd send me.
351
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:34,174
I'm more of a recruiter
for the other side.
352
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,910
It's not for us to
question his will.
353
00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,411
Come, come, let's
pray together.
354
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,981
Now?
Yes, now, while the
spirit is with us.
355
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,482
Can I pee first?
356
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:45,385
There'll be plenty of
time to pee in Heaven.
357
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,454
There's peeing in Heaven?
358
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,022
Shh!
359
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:56,196
Weird, us both being on our
knees at the same time, huh?
360
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,131
Shh!
361
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:00,133
I'm just saying.
362
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,403
* Men. *
363
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,939
Morning.
364
00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,240
Morning.
Morning.
365
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:08,976
Morning.
How'd everybody sleep?
366
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,043
Fine.
Fine.
367
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,179
Lousy.
368
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,214
So, listen...
369
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,050
we might have a little
problem with Miss Pasternak.
370
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,618
Oh, Charlie, you didn't.
371
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:21,554
No, I didn't. Why do you
always believe the worst of me?
372
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,590
Because you're a horrible,
evil person.
373
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:26,226
I thought we established that.
374
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,261
I'll tell you
what happened.
375
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,363
Last night, I was upstairs,
sleeping alone,
376
00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:31,564
minding my own business...
377
00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:34,067
Good morning, sinners.
378
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,005
Oh, what a glorious day
379
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,273
to bask in the forgiveness
of our Lord.
380
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,211
Uh-oh.
381
00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:49,082
Jake, I have wonderful news.
382
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,750
From now on,
as part of each lesson,
383
00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,086
we're gonna spend time
casting demons out of you.
384
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,155
It's the Devil
that's making him stupid.
385
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,460
I told you it
wasn't my fault.
386
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:03,296
Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak,
while I'm thrilled
387
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,298
that you're helping Jake
with his schoolwork,
388
00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:07,667
I'm not sure an exorcism
is really called for.
389
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,437
Do you want your son
to go to hell, Alan?
390
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,339
Depends.
391
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:15,375
Do they have
a college prep program?
392
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:18,411
Eternal damnation is
no laughing matter.
393
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,580
I know--
I've been married twice.
394
00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,549
(laughs)
395
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,587
You think you have to wear
a jockstrap in hell?
396
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,057
Yes, but not your own.
397
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:31,791
Anyway,
398
00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,560
I just came down to tell you all
399
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,095
it's time to get dressed
for church.
400
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:37,130
Uh, uh, gee,
401
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,631
uh, thanks for the invite,
402
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:41,101
but, uh, Sunday is
kind of our "me" day.
403
00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,471
Sunday's not a "me" day,
it's a "he" day.
404
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:48,075
And he will strike down the
blasphemers and the disbelievers
405
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,677
with fury
and blood-soaked vengeance!
406
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:56,416
So, chop-chop, washy-washy.
407
00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:02,422
I've said it before,
and I'll say it again:
408
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,691
Boy, can I pick 'em.
409
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,594
* Men. *
410
00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,596
CONGREGATION:
* Bringing in the sheaves
411
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,831
* Bringing in
the sheaves *
412
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,834
* We shall come rejoicing
413
00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,304
* Bringing in the sheaves
414
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:20,507
* Bringing in the sheaves,
bringing in... *
415
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,275
Dad?
What?
416
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,077
I promise I'll work
really hard in school
417
00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:25,712
if you can just
get rid of her.
418
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:28,148
A little religion
isn't gonna kill you.
419
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,616
Oh, really?
420
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:32,252
What's your definition
of "blood-soaked vengeance"?
421
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,656
* Bringing in the sheaves
422
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:41,294
* Bringing in the sheaves,
bringing in the sheaves *
423
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,695
* We shall come rejoicing
424
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,531
Why you looking
at me like that?
425
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,201
I just don't want to miss it
when you burst into flames.
426
00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:50,337
* Bringing in the sheaves
427
00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,872
* We shall come rejoicing...
428
00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,808
Isn't this a beautiful
little church, Charlie?
429
00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:58,111
Oh, yeah, it's great.
430
00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:00,113
Listen, I thought maybe
after the service,
431
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,214
you and I could
drive around
432
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,850
and look for
a nice apartment for you.
433
00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,519
Oh, God doesn't want us
to separate, Charlie.
434
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,221
He brought you
back into my life
435
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:10,157
so that we could be
together for all eternity.
436
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:16,729
Um, are those
his words or yours?
437
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:19,332
He speaks through me.
438
00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,201
Oh, okay.
439
00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:24,837
Um, to whom
am I talking now?
440
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,307
(music ends)
441
00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:28,641
Oh, oh.
442
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:30,277
It's time for the
special blessing.
443
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,444
Come on, everyone,
let's go.
444
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:32,779
Right behind you.
445
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:33,813
(organ playing)
446
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,215
Come on, come
on, come on.
447
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,416
Blessing time,
blessing time.
448
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,417
Come on.
449
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,520
Is this the kind of church
450
00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:41,788
where they hand out
those little crackers?
451
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:42,755
Shh!
I'm hungry.
452
00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,209
Relax.
453
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:03,476
It's just us.
454
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,745
Oh.
455
00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,447
Why is your hair all wet?
456
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,282
They tried to drown me.
457
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:11,584
No, they didn't.
458
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:13,420
He managed
to get himself baptized.
459
00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:14,621
How'd that happen?
460
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:15,655
People were lining up.
461
00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,624
I thought there was food.
462
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,192
Even after
they took your clothes
463
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,693
and gave you
a white robe?
464
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:23,296
I figured maybe
we were getting ribs.
465
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,799
So where's Berta?
466
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,835
She took a shine
to the organ player
467
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,837
and stayed for
the senior potluck brunch.
468
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,873
So there was food.
469
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,742
I knew I wasn't crazy.
470
00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:38,845
Aren't you at all
concerned about
471
00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:39,812
what happened to Miss Pasternak?
472
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,748
Of course I'm concerned.
473
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,750
I tried to hide, didn't I?
474
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,953
After she realized
475
00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:48,521
that you had dumped
her yet again,
476
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:49,889
she had a little
bit of a meltdown.
477
00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,592
There was more to melt?
478
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,762
She was dripping through the
cone when she left the house.
479
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:58,998
She grabbed all the bills
out of the collection plate
480
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,867
and started grinding
on the minister.
481
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,935
Okay. No harm, no foul.
482
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,804
How do you figure?
483
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,806
That's how
we found her, right?
484
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,941
Dry-humping
for dollars.
485
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:13,246
What happened to all your guilt
about ruining her life?
486
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,515
Oh, I still got it.
487
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,517
I'm just learning
to live with it.
488
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,552
You're unbelievable.
489
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:20,987
Oh, come on.
490
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,655
I tried to do
the right thing.
491
00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:23,956
My intentions
were good.
492
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,359
That's the funny thing
about you.
493
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:29,262
Doesn't seem to matter
what your intentions are.
494
00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:30,897
Good, bad or indifferent,
495
00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:33,800
everyone around you
ends up suffering.
496
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:37,437
So it's not my
fault, right?
497
00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:40,940
Right.
498
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:42,475
Come on, I'll
buy you a drink.
499
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:43,776
I'm really not in the mood.
500
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,778
Oh, relax.
501
00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:47,447
It's all over.
502
00:20:47,480 --> 00:21:00,493
Nothing to
worry about.
34972
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