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1
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,087
What are you doing?
2
00:00:20,454 --> 00:00:21,989
What does it look
like I'm doing?
3
00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:24,425
I'd rather not say.
4
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:27,928
I'm trying to open
these cinnamon buns.
5
00:00:27,995 --> 00:00:29,263
Why?
6
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,399
I thought I'd try
and do a little baking.
7
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,067
Ah.
8
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,768
You drunk?
9
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,070
A little bit.
10
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,271
Mm. Mm-hmm.
11
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:41,942
Why is it child-proof?
12
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:44,612
Are kids o.d.'ing on this stuff?
13
00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:47,014
Have you considered
reading the instructions?
14
00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:49,350
Ooh, listen to Mr. College Boy.
15
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:55,123
"To open, strike sharply
on edge of counter."
16
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,424
Really?
17
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:57,425
Really.
18
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,528
All right.
I'll play along.
19
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:06,100
(British accent):
I christen thee
H.M.S. Kitchen Table.
20
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:07,701
Godspeed.
21
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,445
I think we got a bad bun tube.
22
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,381
Gimme.
23
00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:26,120
You just gotta know
how to whack it.
24
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:32,426
I bow to your superior
expertise.
25
00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:35,963
So, how come you're
all spiffed up?
26
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,231
I've got a date.
27
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,200
Oh, two nights in a row.
28
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:41,469
So, who's the glutton
for punishment?
29
00:01:41,535 --> 00:01:43,204
At the risk
of tooting my own horn,
30
00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:45,573
I am actually seeing
two different women.
31
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:47,875
Wow, two women.
Yeah.
32
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:50,844
And yet you're still tooting
your own horn.
33
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:54,548
Hey, you know what's fun?
34
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,285
When you can talk 'em
into tooting each other's horns.
35
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,453
I'm not seeing them
at the same time.
36
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,955
Well, that makes it
more difficult.
37
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,657
But not impossible.
38
00:02:05,193 --> 00:02:08,529
You put the icing on after it
comes out of the oven, right?
39
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,464
Right.
Drizzle, don't squeeze.
40
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,600
Thus spake
the whacker.
41
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:20,040
So, what prompted this break
from serial monogamy?
42
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:21,309
I don't know,
I'm just tired
43
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,610
of putting all my eggs
in one basket.
44
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:25,313
The basket being a woman?
Yes.
45
00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,681
And the eggs being
your bun tube?
46
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:31,652
No, see, the thing is,
when I'm just dating
47
00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:33,721
one woman at a time,
if she dumps me...
48
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,323
When she dumps you.
49
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:38,226
Either way, I have
to start from scratch
50
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:39,560
finding a new woman.
51
00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:41,329
However, when
I'm dating two women,
52
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:42,430
if one of them dumps me...
53
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,332
When one of them dumps you.
54
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,735
Either way, I'm not alone.
55
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,503
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
56
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,738
You're saying that
it's advantageous
57
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:53,641
to date more than one
woman at a time?
58
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:58,712
Good Lord, man,
you're a genius!
59
00:02:58,779 --> 00:02:59,880
Yeah, ha-ha.
60
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,283
We must tell other men!
61
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,818
Okay, maybe I'm a little
late to the party.
62
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:05,853
A little late?
63
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,855
The girl already
jumped out of the cake
64
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,890
and everybody's had a piece.
65
00:03:09,957 --> 00:03:11,459
Well, late or not, I'm here.
66
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,461
And it turns out when
it comes to 40-year-old,
67
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,128
divorced moms in the
San Fernando Valley,
68
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,364
I'm quite the catch.
69
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,499
I'm not surprised.
You're not?
70
00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:19,667
Lights out at fat camp,
71
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:22,503
a jelly bean is steak tartar.
72
00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:26,740
Hey, I'm single, employed,
disease-free, well-read,
73
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,809
cute as a bug
and perfectly capable
74
00:03:28,876 --> 00:03:30,844
of pretending to like
other people's children.
75
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:31,845
Impressive.
76
00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:33,481
Do these broads know that
77
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:36,750
you're dipping your chip
in the salsa and the guacamole?
78
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,018
What?
79
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:41,255
You know, hittin' two pinatas
with one stick?
80
00:03:42,590 --> 00:03:44,658
Toppin' off both tanks
with the same hose?
81
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:48,662
Throwin' your balls
down two alleys?
82
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:51,532
Still don't get it?
83
00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,602
No, I got it.
And, uh, and thank you.
84
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,236
Um... but no, they don't know.
85
00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:57,671
These are divorced Valley moms
86
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,740
trolling for a new schmuck
to replace the old schmuck.
87
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:02,643
And you let them think
that might be you?
88
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,712
It's not like I have to lie.
89
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,747
Look at me--
I scream schmuckdom.
90
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:07,848
They're rising.
91
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:09,249
It's a miracle.
92
00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,285
Yes, the miracle of yeast.
93
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,920
I gotta go.
94
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:14,187
Go, my son.
95
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,489
Drizzle thy frosting
96
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:19,293
on the divorced
sticky buns of the Valley.
97
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:22,062
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
98
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:25,633
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
99
00:04:25,699 --> 00:04:28,569
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
100
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,671
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
101
00:04:30,738 --> 00:04:33,040
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
102
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:37,578
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
103
00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:40,448
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
104
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,221
You're a great cook,
Uncle Charlie.
105
00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,256
It's no big deal.
106
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:50,691
Those chefs on TV act
107
00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:52,426
like they're curing
leprosy or something.
108
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,630
Can you make
meat loaf?
109
00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:58,732
Does it come in a tube?
110
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,304
No-- God-- it
comes on a plate.
111
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,681
Can I have some of that?
112
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:16,183
Beer? No.
113
00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:17,184
Why not?
114
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:18,486
Because when you're 14,
115
00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,053
you don't ask your
uncle for beer.
116
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,390
Who do I ask?
117
00:05:23,891 --> 00:05:26,026
I don't know... try hangin'
outside a liquor store
118
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:30,030
and look for a guy wearing house
slippers and talking to himself.
119
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,400
What's his name?
120
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,340
You can't have
any beer, Jake.
121
00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,342
Man, I thought
you were cool.
122
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,144
I am. And you know
what makes me cool?
123
00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:47,014
The fact that your opinion
means less than squat to me.
124
00:05:50,418 --> 00:05:52,786
How old were you when
you had your first beer?
125
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:55,288
13... two... 32.
126
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,557
Yeah, right.
127
00:05:56,624 --> 00:05:58,392
Listen, we're not
talking about me.
128
00:05:58,459 --> 00:05:59,460
We're talking about you.
129
00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:00,461
What about me?
130
00:06:00,528 --> 00:06:02,730
Well, it's like this:
131
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:04,732
Alcohol is for
people who can afford
132
00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:06,667
to lose a few
brain cells.
133
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,838
Yeah? So?
134
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:13,373
I rest my case.
135
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,047
What case?
136
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,153
* Men.
137
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,989
(whistling happily)
138
00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:31,492
Morning, buddy.
139
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,026
How do you like your eggs?
140
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,161
In an Easter basket.
141
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:39,366
Scrambled it is.
142
00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:40,501
Morning.
Morning.
143
00:06:40,568 --> 00:06:41,502
Whatcha doing?
144
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:42,936
Cooking breakfast.
145
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,271
How do you like your eggs?
146
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:45,272
Sunny side up.
147
00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:46,607
Scrambled it is.
148
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,109
Cooking for Dummies.
149
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:52,480
No offense, Jake. I'm actually
cookin' for everybody.
150
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,084
What brought this on?
151
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:58,852
I Don't know. I...
152
00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,821
thought I'd expand
my horizons a bit.
153
00:07:00,888 --> 00:07:01,955
Uh-huh.
154
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,058
What?
155
00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,194
I'm just trying to figure out
how scrambled eggs
156
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,796
are gonna get you laid.
157
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,098
You and me both.
158
00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:14,502
(phone ringing)
159
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:15,836
I got it!
160
00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:19,172
Hello?
161
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,108
Oh! Oh, hi, Stephanie.
162
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:25,378
Yeah, yeah, I, uh,
I had a great time, too.
163
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,981
Yes, it-it was special.
164
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,484
I-I don't usually do that
on a first date either.
165
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,856
Thank you for letting me
do that, by the way.
166
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,193
Uh... Uh... Tonight?
167
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,529
Uh... Oh, gee.
Hey, Alan!
168
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:42,563
How do you
like your eggs?
169
00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:43,864
Uh, uh, one sec.
170
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,265
Charlie, Stephanie wants
to see me tonight,
171
00:07:45,332 --> 00:07:47,367
but I already made a date
with Katie. What do I do?
172
00:07:47,434 --> 00:07:49,537
Scrambled it is.
173
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,208
Uh, uh, the thing is, uh,
I already made plans,
174
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:58,646
uh, with my, uh, you know,
son, who I love dearly.
175
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,247
What are we doing?
176
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:02,716
Nothing. Go away.
177
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:04,251
Oh, oh, w-what
are we doing?
178
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,621
Uh, uh, well, he and I have
this, uh, this father-son thing
179
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:08,889
uh, where once a week, we...
180
00:08:08,956 --> 00:08:10,090
uh, uh...
Rent go-karts.
181
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,091
Rent go-karts.
182
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:12,092
And, uh... and, uh...
183
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,093
Eat pizza.
184
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:14,427
And eat pizza. And, uh...
185
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:15,529
And drink beer.
186
00:08:15,596 --> 00:08:16,997
And drink... Go away!
187
00:08:18,298 --> 00:08:21,234
Uh... and, and drink,
uh, uh, a lot of water,
188
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,737
which the body needs
to, uh, to stay healthy.
189
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,540
Um, anyway, we-we're on
for Saturday, right?
190
00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:29,142
Uh, okay, uh, uh, great, great.
191
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:30,343
Good. I-I'll see you then.
192
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,980
Okay, bye.
193
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:34,414
We're not going
go-karting, are we?
194
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,316
No.
195
00:08:36,383 --> 00:08:39,620
You're using me for your own
purposes, aren't you?
196
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:41,989
Here's $20.
197
00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:44,858
Hey, Alan.
198
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:45,993
Taste these.
199
00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:51,632
Why does it smell like bourbon?
200
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:54,835
The book said
"season to taste."
201
00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:59,673
Just kidding.
I spilled.
202
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,709
N-No, thank you.
203
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:03,577
Suit yourself.
204
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:06,346
Hmm...
205
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:07,781
A little too much egg.
206
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:12,119
* Men.
207
00:09:12,185 --> 00:09:14,254
Jake, let's go!
208
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:16,790
I told your mother
I'd have you back by 7:00.
209
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:17,825
Hey, Alan, Alan, Alan.
210
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,229
Would you taste my
hollandaise sauce?
211
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:24,197
You made hollandaise sauce?
212
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,232
You tell me.
213
00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:31,872
You did not make
hollandaise sauce.
214
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,775
Damn you, eggs Benedict.
215
00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,576
Charlie, why are you doing this?
216
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:37,945
Doing what?
217
00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:39,446
In the six years that
I have been living here,
218
00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:41,581
the only time I've seen you
turn on the stove
219
00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:42,816
was to light a cigar.
220
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,886
Yeah, well, people
grow, people change.
221
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,988
People get drunk while
watching the Food Network.
222
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:49,957
Jake, let's go!
223
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:51,024
Uh, I may not
224
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,260
be back till late--
I'm planning
225
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:56,296
on giving my rose
to bachelorette number two.
226
00:09:56,363 --> 00:10:00,901
Wow. Only you could gay up
bangin' two women.
227
00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,574
Says the man in the apron
228
00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:08,942
with the curdled
hollandaise sauce.
229
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,478
So you admit it
is hollandaise sauce?
230
00:10:11,544 --> 00:10:13,947
Mom said you could drop me off
at Gabe's house so we can study.
231
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,182
Oh. Are you really
gonna study?
232
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:16,216
Sure.
233
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,617
Great.
234
00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:20,487
See that? He respects me
enough to lie to me.
235
00:10:20,553 --> 00:10:21,488
Hey, Alan.
236
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:22,756
Speaking of lies--
237
00:10:22,823 --> 00:10:24,224
at some point,
238
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,493
one of these broads
is gonna ask you a question
239
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,995
for which you will have
no ready answer.
240
00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:29,930
Like what?
Well, it could be
241
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,598
as simple as:
"What did you do last night?"
242
00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,166
or as tricky as:
243
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:36,103
"Why is there a pasty
stuck to your testicles?"
244
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,140
The point is,
you need to be careful.
245
00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:42,109
So you're gonna teach me
how to lie to women?
246
00:10:42,175 --> 00:10:44,912
Well, do you know enough to pull
the pasty off
247
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,847
and say "Happy Anniversary"?
248
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:49,883
I do now.
249
00:10:49,950 --> 00:10:52,252
Another thing you need to
remember is always answer
250
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,954
a question
with another question.
251
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,355
What do you mean?
Exactly.
252
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:59,392
What?
Great, you're all set.
253
00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:02,262
Drunk again?
Yep.
254
00:11:03,964 --> 00:11:06,266
Well, thank you.
I appreciate the advice.
255
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,701
I've got more.
256
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,402
Charlie, please don't take this
the wrong way,
257
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:12,039
but if a semi-functioning wino,
such as yourself,
258
00:11:12,105 --> 00:11:14,007
can date several women
at the same time,
259
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,243
I'm quite certain
I can handle two.
260
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:21,715
Why would I take that
the wrong way?
261
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:28,155
Ugh! Tastes like stale ass.
262
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,725
* Men.
263
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,196
Is it just me
or does this thing we have
264
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:37,664
feel really,
really comfortable?
265
00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:38,631
Oh, yeah.
266
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,133
I mean, you know,
267
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,235
maybe not pet-names-
for-our-pee-parts
comfortable,
268
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:45,973
but we're certainly
getting there.
269
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:49,810
Oh, hey, next week,
my ex is taking my daughter
270
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,144
to see his parents,
271
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:54,748
so you and I can spend
the whole weekend in bed.
272
00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,283
(chuckling)
That-that sounds great.
273
00:11:56,349 --> 00:11:59,186
I'll leave myself
alone till then.
274
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,725
Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait--
uh, uh, next weekend?
275
00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:08,528
Uh, you know, uh,
I'll have to check,
276
00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:13,333
but I-I-I think Saturday is
a-a working Saturday for me.
277
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,768
Oh, no. Really?
278
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,003
Yeah, yeah, it's unfortunate,
279
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,437
but in today's economic climate,
280
00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:20,173
Saturday is no longer
the Sabbath for anybody
281
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,942
except perhaps very
religious Jewish people.
282
00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,778
You know, the guys with the
beards and the hats?
283
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,646
Did you see Yentl?
I love that movie.
284
00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,115
That's one I wouldn't
mind owning.
285
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:32,052
Alan, are you seeing
another woman?
286
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:36,890
Charlie, are you seeing
another woman?
287
00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,758
Why would you
ask me that?
288
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:41,761
I just need to know
I can trust you.
289
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,531
Yeah, well, trust is
a two-way street.
290
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,133
I know.
291
00:12:46,199 --> 00:12:47,300
Do you?
292
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:51,504
Because without trust,
all we have is sex.
293
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:55,342
Well, you can
trust me, Charlie.
294
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,477
God, I hope so.
295
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,511
I've been hurt before.
296
00:12:58,578 --> 00:13:00,580
Aw...
297
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:03,516
I won't hurt you.
I promise.
298
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,518
Okay, then.
299
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,857
(scoffing):
Another woman?!
300
00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,291
Yeah.
301
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:14,227
You think I'm involved
with another woman?
302
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:15,128
Yeah.
303
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:16,496
You actually think I'm seeing
304
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,099
someone else at the same
time I'm seeing you?
305
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:21,568
Yeah.
How did you know?
306
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:26,006
(phone rings)
307
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,440
Do you need to get that?
308
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:29,209
Are you crazy?
309
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,344
CHARLIE (on answering machine):
Hey, it's Charlie.
310
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,446
Do your thing
when you hear the beep.
311
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,048
(beep)
312
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,784
(slurring):
Hey, Uncle Charlie,
it's me, Jakey.
313
00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:39,920
I'm drunk. How are you?
314
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:44,524
Are you with a girl?
Does she have big ones?
315
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:46,826
Jake, where are you?
316
00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:50,097
What mall?
317
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:54,201
They all have pretzel stands,
you doofus.
318
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:57,871
Okay, you stay right
where you are,
319
00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,973
and I'll come get you.
320
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,774
We'll talk about that later.
321
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:04,311
(whispers):
They're big enough.
322
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:09,449
I love you too, buddy.
323
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:13,486
Yeah, we have shared
some good memories.
324
00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:16,723
Okay, I'm hanging up now.
325
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:19,726
Do you have to go?
326
00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:21,028
No, we got time.
327
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,530
* Men.
328
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,167
(door opens)
329
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:29,036
What the heck
took you so long?
330
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:32,872
Believe me, I came
as quickly as I could.
331
00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:34,807
What is that?
332
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:36,676
It's a pretzel.
You want some?
333
00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:37,945
No, thanks.
334
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:40,280
It's got jalapenos!
335
00:14:40,347 --> 00:14:41,982
Oh, you're gonna regret that.
336
00:14:42,049 --> 00:14:42,983
What do you mean?
337
00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,884
You'll see.
338
00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:46,786
Where'd you get the
booze, knucklehead?
339
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:48,388
I did what you told me to do.
340
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:51,391
Me and Gabe gave money to
a creepy guy to buy us beer.
341
00:14:51,458 --> 00:14:52,625
Oh, Jake.
342
00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:54,861
His name was Satellite Jack.
343
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,264
He said the government
stole his kidneys.
344
00:14:57,330 --> 00:15:00,433
Is $20 too much
for a six-pack?
345
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:03,203
Not when a guy with no kidneys
named Satellite Jack
346
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,005
is buying it for you.
347
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:06,940
Where'd you get the $20?
348
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,708
It was a bribe from my father.
349
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:09,642
You're kidding.
350
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:10,978
I know.
351
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,946
For a cheap guy, he can be
surprisingly generous.
352
00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:15,115
That's true.
353
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:19,019
Deep down I love him.
354
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:21,721
And I love you, too.
355
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:24,924
Great. Everybody
loves everybody.
356
00:15:24,992 --> 00:15:27,060
So, where's your friend?
357
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:29,696
Gabe? He ditched me when
I started throwing up,
358
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,731
the bat rastard.
359
00:15:31,798 --> 00:15:33,700
Get out of the car.
What?
360
00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:36,303
I just had it detailed--
get out, get out, get out.
361
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:39,272
All right, but I'm tellin' ya
I'm all done throwin' up.
362
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:41,141
(vomits)
363
00:15:41,208 --> 00:15:44,144
I see what you mean
about those jalapenos.
364
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:48,948
Listen, my mom still thinks
I'm studying at Gabe's house,
365
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:52,185
so I don't think I should
go home at this time.
366
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,054
What do you
expect to do?
367
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:57,157
I don't know.
You up for an R-rated movie?
368
00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:59,192
Boobies, no violence.
369
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,196
Uh-oh.
370
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:05,065
Step away from the car.
371
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:07,567
Nope, false alarm.
372
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,036
Wait for it.
373
00:16:09,102 --> 00:16:10,303
Wait for what?
374
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,572
(vomits)
375
00:16:12,639 --> 00:16:14,107
Oh, how about that?
376
00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:17,310
You get any
on your shoes?
377
00:16:17,377 --> 00:16:21,114
A little.
378
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:22,515
There's a plastic bag
in the trunk.
379
00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:25,118
Remove your shoes and
place them in the bag,
380
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,920
then seal it and put it
back in the trunk.
381
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,622
Okay.
382
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:31,458
Then climb in after it.
383
00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:32,525
Okay.
384
00:16:37,397 --> 00:16:39,299
* Men.
385
00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,875
Alan?
386
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:50,243
Surprise.
387
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:52,279
I thought you were with your son
go-karting.
388
00:16:52,345 --> 00:16:56,883
Yeah, listen,
um, I lied about that.
389
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,651
But I can't lie anymore.
390
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:02,522
I was with another woman, but
all I could think about was you.
391
00:17:02,589 --> 00:17:07,260
I'm a one-woman man and, baby,
you're that woman.
392
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:09,296
MAN:
Who is it, honey?
393
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,030
Just a salesman.
(whispers): Go away.
394
00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:13,500
Wait a minute-- are you seeing
someone else?
Get lost!
395
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:17,170
(stammering): I-I thought
we had something special.
396
00:17:17,237 --> 00:17:18,471
Who's in there?!
397
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,706
Are you married?
398
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,141
Because I really thought...
399
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:45,432
(vomiting)
400
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,268
You know, your body's
sending you a message.
401
00:17:48,335 --> 00:17:51,871
Yeah, it's sayin' I really
should chew my food more.
402
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,240
Look at that shrimp.
403
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,875
You could wash it off
and serve it again.
404
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:59,946
Your body is also telling you
that alcohol is poison.
405
00:18:00,012 --> 00:18:02,415
If it's poison,
why do you drink it?
406
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,985
Because there are things
inside of me I need to kill.
407
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:09,589
You can't kill bad feelings
with alcohol, Uncle Charlie.
408
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:11,090
Right.
409
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,660
And you can't stuff your
emotions with cupcakes.
410
00:18:13,726 --> 00:18:15,595
Believe me, I've tried.
411
00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:16,929
I'm sure you have.
412
00:18:16,996 --> 00:18:19,932
And if you ever need to talk
about any of this stuff,
413
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,768
I'm here for you.
(vomits)
414
00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:23,470
Good to know.
415
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,239
Whoa, felt that one
in my nuts.
416
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:30,076
ALAN:
Hello? Anybody home?
417
00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:31,478
Are you gonna rat me out?
418
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,681
Jake, buddy, how could you
even ask me that?
419
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:47,059
Hey, what's goin' on?
420
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,461
Jake took the 20 bucks
you gave him
421
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:49,729
and got drunk with a friend.
422
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,403
Oh.
423
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,772
Bad boy.
424
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,750
So...
425
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,819
how 'bout a beer?
426
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,890
* Men.
427
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:25,698
Never... again.
428
00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:27,267
Me neither.
429
00:19:29,236 --> 00:19:31,271
You know what the problem is?
430
00:19:31,338 --> 00:19:33,172
The women, the drinking...
431
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:36,509
You guys look at me
and you think it's easy.
432
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,978
But what you don't see is all
the years of hard work
433
00:19:39,045 --> 00:19:41,614
and dedication it took to make
me the happy-go-lucky,
434
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,950
drunken,
ass-wrangler I am today.
435
00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:46,619
WOMAN:
Charlie?
436
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:49,822
Oh, sorry, baby, I had
a little family drama.
437
00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:52,525
Remember, you said if I gave you
what you want,
438
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:54,093
you'd give me what I want.
439
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,129
Oh, right--
breakfast in bed.
440
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,566
How do you like your eggs?
441
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:01,067
Scrambled.
442
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:03,370
(softly):
Yes!
443
00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:10,677
You know, young man,
444
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:15,682
if I hadn't have been
electrocuted earlier
this evening,
445
00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:19,919
you and I'd be having
a serious talk right now.
446
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:22,989
Yeah. Hold on.
447
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:29,296
(vomiting
repeatedly)
448
00:20:41,007 --> 00:20:43,310
* Men.
30719
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