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1
00:00:08,409 --> 00:00:11,079
Thanks, Mom. This is
a perfect first job.
2
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,580
First job?
3
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,149
I think you're looking
at a birth of a career.
4
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,688
I was going to have him
put up fliers,
5
00:00:20,754 --> 00:00:22,890
but I didn't trust him
with a staple gun.
6
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:24,225
How much are you paying him?
7
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:27,095
Obviously, too much.
Look at him.
8
00:00:30,598 --> 00:00:34,001
For the record, I promised him
$20 and a Playboy magazine.
9
00:00:34,068 --> 00:00:36,036
Playboy?
10
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:40,541
Don't worry. I'll Magic-Marker
over the ta-tas and hoo-hoos.
11
00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:43,944
Oh, that's disturbing
on so many levels.
12
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,114
(ice cream truck playing music)
13
00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:54,788
I should've hired a monkey.
14
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:59,093
You mean a
different monkey.
15
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:11,405
Well, it's not really
a paycheck,
16
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,241
and he's not really earning it
17
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:15,376
and we don't call him...
18
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,278
I guess I got to
give you Jughead.
19
00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:19,012
I remember my first job.
20
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:20,714
Slaughterhouse.
21
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:23,451
Strippin' out sheep intestines
for the condom companies.
22
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,424
Not as sexy as it sounds.
23
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,493
I was a fluffer in a pet salon.
24
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:36,330
You know, with a blow dryer.
25
00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,632
Huh. I was going a completely
different way.
26
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:43,103
What are you doing?
27
00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:44,472
Thanks to Grandma,
28
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:47,308
I'm reading an interview
with Jimmy Kimmel.
29
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,943
Hey, Alan, you got any cash?
30
00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,111
Yeah. Why?
31
00:01:51,179 --> 00:01:52,613
I need to borrow some.
32
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:53,314
What for?
33
00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:54,848
What are you, my mother?
34
00:01:54,915 --> 00:01:57,985
Just give me a few bucks,
save me a trip to the ATM.
35
00:01:58,051 --> 00:01:59,687
When will I get it back?
36
00:01:59,753 --> 00:02:01,422
I don't know. Tomorrow.
37
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,657
Okay, how much
do you need?
38
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:04,758
Just a couple hundred.
39
00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:07,495
A couple hundred?
40
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:09,330
Who carries around
that kind of money?
41
00:02:09,397 --> 00:02:10,831
Well, let's see...
42
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:12,466
Strippers, bookies,
prostitutes,
43
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:15,736
and not entirely
coincidentally-- me.
44
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:20,574
Well, I've only got...
35, 36... $38.
45
00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,742
That's it?
46
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:24,478
That's your walking around
money?
47
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,147
It's the perfect amount
in case I get mugged.
48
00:02:27,215 --> 00:02:28,516
See, not so little
that my attacker
49
00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:29,983
will get angry and try
and pistol-whip me,
50
00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:32,453
yet not so much that I would
feel obliged to fight for it
51
00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:34,655
and possibly be shot
while wrestling for the gun.
52
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:40,060
So you got $38.
53
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:41,429
Yep.
54
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,631
Just out of curiosity,
how much money would it take
55
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,666
for you to wrestle
a gun from a mugger?
56
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:48,969
Assuming a small- to medium-
sized mugger, at least $40.
57
00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:52,039
Fine, so, give me the $38.
58
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,374
All of it?
59
00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:54,908
Why not?
Then I've got nothing.
60
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,845
And you think $38 changes that?
61
00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:00,781
What if I decide to go out
and have some fun?
62
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,484
$38 worth of fun?
63
00:03:03,551 --> 00:03:06,920
I wouldn't spend
all of it.
64
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:09,290
Okay, okay, look, you're
not going out to have fun.
65
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:11,792
You never go out to have fun,
because you know why?
66
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:12,926
You're not a fun guy.
67
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:15,729
Oh, I am very much a fun guy.
68
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,798
We just have different
definitions of fun,
69
00:03:17,865 --> 00:03:19,933
and mine doesn't include
urinary tract infections
70
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,602
and dry heaving.
71
00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:25,639
Just give me the money,
ya big fruit.
72
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:28,309
$38...
73
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:31,979
If it had been $40,
we'd be wrestling, my friend!
74
00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:39,219
ALAN:
Hey, Charlie?
75
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:47,995
You got my money?
76
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:53,401
Charlie!
77
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,902
I'm trying to sleep, Alan.
78
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:57,170
Yeah, well, I've got
to go to work and you said
79
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,840
you'd have my money.
Oh, for God's sake.
80
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,909
You don't even have to get up.
Just tell me where it is.
81
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:05,613
Well, the last I saw any of it,
it was sandwiched between
82
00:04:05,679 --> 00:04:07,615
two of the loveliest
man-made breasts
83
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:10,884
that ever smacked me in the eye.
84
00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:13,621
Oh, Charlie, you say
the sweetest things.
85
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:15,989
Oh, Ginger, this is
my brother Alan.
86
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:17,090
Alan, Ginger.
87
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,759
Hi.
88
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:19,827
Hi.
89
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,595
So bottom line,
you don't have my money?
90
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:22,730
No.
91
00:04:22,796 --> 00:04:24,765
The money you promised
to pay back today?
92
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,300
The day hasn't
even started yet.
93
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,368
It started for me.
94
00:04:27,435 --> 00:04:28,669
That's only because
95
00:04:28,736 --> 00:04:30,604
you're on Douchebag
Savings Time.
96
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,474
Can we please talk about this
97
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,543
when one of us doesn't
have a warm, firm buttock
98
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,645
nestled against his groin?
99
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,313
Oh, dear Lord.
100
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,881
So you'll get it by tonight?
101
00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:43,651
I'm hopin' to get it
as soon as you close the door.
102
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,222
Are you really out of cash?
103
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:52,025
Don't worry. I've
got hooker money.
104
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,504
(plays piano):
* When you're hungry at school
105
00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:05,339
* You need to know
106
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:08,609
* Paste yes, boogers no.
107
00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,448
Hey.
108
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,584
How was your day, darling?
109
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,619
Fine, except I had
to pay for lunch
110
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:20,854
with my lucky Sacagawea dollar.
111
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:23,591
What kind of lunch
can you get for a dollar?
112
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,759
Two gas station hot dogs
that were a year old
113
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:28,228
if they were a day,
thank you very much.
114
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:30,698
Is Sacagawea
the same Indian chick
115
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:32,165
that's on the
Land O'Lakes butter?
116
00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:35,102
I don't know.
117
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,437
I hope so.
118
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:39,773
I'd like to believe it is.
119
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:44,077
Okay, Charlie, I'm leaving.
120
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:45,879
Hang on. Let me pay you.
121
00:05:49,383 --> 00:05:50,751
Here you go.
122
00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:53,521
Did you forget I paid for
that pizza the other night?
123
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,856
Oh, right. How much was that?
124
00:05:55,923 --> 00:06:01,094
Well, you got the garlic balls
too, so, say... 75 bucks.
125
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:03,931
You got change for a hundred?
126
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:04,765
Nope.
127
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,734
Okay, you'll pay me back.
128
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,402
Count on it.
129
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:14,107
Wait, wait, wait,
as long as you're doling it out,
130
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:15,409
you got my 40 bucks?
131
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:17,445
Oh, sure. You got change
for a hundred?
132
00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,379
Nope.
Okay, I'll catch you later.
133
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:21,081
Wait...
134
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:24,051
How come Berta can pay you back
and I can't?
135
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,419
Oh, grow up.
136
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,054
She's not gonna
pay me back.
137
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:28,922
Okay, then, what about me?
138
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:29,923
What about you?
139
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:31,358
I want my $40.
140
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,661
I only borrowed $38.
141
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,497
Yeah, well, I find round numbers
easier to remember.
142
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,131
Oh, you like round numbers,
do you?
143
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,967
Yes, I like round numbers.
144
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,069
Okay, here's a round number
for you.
145
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:43,136
Zero.
146
00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,907
Nice, tight circular shape.
147
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,308
Nothing gets in,
nothing gets out.
148
00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:49,477
Sound familiar, Alan?
149
00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,379
Are you calling me anal?
150
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:55,616
That's right.
A-L-A-N, anal.
151
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,317
Okay, okay, okay.
152
00:06:57,384 --> 00:06:59,620
So, so bottom line,
153
00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:02,222
you're not gonna pay me back.
Is that correct?
154
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:03,857
Well, truth be told,
155
00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:07,194
I was gonna pay you back,
but your attitude irks me.
156
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,496
I irk you?
157
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:11,031
That's right.
I find you irksome.
158
00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:15,435
You're a big, fat irk.
159
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:19,239
Hey, hey, you borrow $38,
you owe me $38.
160
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,908
Yeah, well, you've been living
161
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,076
in my Malibu beach house
for six years.
162
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:25,245
You owe me $1 million.
163
00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:27,014
A million dollars?!
164
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:31,051
That's a one followed
by six tight little sphincters.
165
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,994
(panting)
166
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:45,833
Wow. You look tired.
167
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:48,569
Yesterday, I had
a quarter tank of gas.
168
00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:51,338
Today, I drive a mile
into Topanga Canyon
169
00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:52,105
and bang, empty.
170
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,340
Huh.
171
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:54,908
There's no cell coverage
up there,
172
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,444
so I had to hump all the way
back down to the beach
173
00:07:57,511 --> 00:07:58,478
to call Triple-A.
174
00:07:58,546 --> 00:07:59,613
Oh, that's a shame.
175
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:00,981
Shame, my ass. How the hell
176
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:03,116
did a quarter tank of gas
disappear overnight?
177
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:05,218
It's a mystery.
178
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,921
(sniffs)
179
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,257
Wait a minute...
180
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:13,193
I smell gasoline.
181
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,094
Really?
182
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:15,228
(sniffs)
183
00:08:15,295 --> 00:08:16,396
I... I don't smell anything.
184
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:18,799
(sniffs)
185
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:30,177
You have gas on your breath.
186
00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,311
You siphoned my tank.
187
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,113
Oh, please.
188
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:36,383
You think I stuck a rubber hose
down your gas tank,
189
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:39,553
sucked on it until the gas ran
out of your tank and into mine
190
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,955
thereby compensating me
for the $38 you owe me?
191
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,426
That's preposterous.
192
00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:48,195
Yeah...
193
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,730
Yeah, you're right.
194
00:08:49,797 --> 00:08:52,265
What was I thinking?
195
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,142
What are you doing?
196
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,945
Do me a favor. Say...
197
00:09:05,713 --> 00:09:08,015
"preposterous" again.
198
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:10,718
You're crazy!
199
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:13,253
Get that away from me!
200
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:14,487
Oh, come on.
201
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,189
Come on.
202
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:19,760
Just for grins say,
"Help me. My head's on fire."
203
00:09:19,827 --> 00:09:20,928
All right, all right, all right,
204
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:22,429
I sucked the gas
out of your car!
205
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:23,664
Now turn it off!
206
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,302
Okay, fine. Well played.
207
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,503
You got your money back.
208
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,206
Um... actually...
209
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:36,109
at 473.9 cents a gallon,
210
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:40,648
you had only $13.22
worth in your tank,
211
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,850
so you still owe me $24.78.
212
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:50,658
Get out.
213
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:51,825
What?
214
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:53,627
Get out of my house.
215
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:55,696
You know what? I just might.
216
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:58,231
No, no, no, "might" implies
you have a choice.
217
00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:01,534
Oh, so you're going
to throw me out over $24.78?
218
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,136
No, I'm throwing you out
219
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,338
because you're a cheap,
gas-sucking, flammable irk!
220
00:10:05,405 --> 00:10:08,175
I am not cheap.
221
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:10,911
Leaving.
222
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:18,686
Ow, ow, ow!
223
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,391
These things just happen.
224
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,393
I don't know. They seem
to happen to you a lot.
225
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:27,828
(knocking)
226
00:10:28,829 --> 00:10:29,629
Oh, hey, guys.
227
00:10:29,697 --> 00:10:30,898
What are you doing here?
228
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,066
Dad pissed off
Uncle Charlie again.
229
00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:37,570
Sorry to show up unannounced
like this.
230
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,839
No problem.
231
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:40,207
It's always good to see you.
232
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,842
JUDITH:
He got kicked
out again?!
233
00:10:42,910 --> 00:10:44,511
Damn it, Alan.
What'd you do now?
234
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,213
I didn't do anything.
235
00:10:46,279 --> 00:10:48,982
But I'm not going to be staying
at Charlie's anymore,
236
00:10:49,049 --> 00:10:50,984
so I thought I should bring
Jake's stuff back here
237
00:10:51,051 --> 00:10:52,820
until I find a place of my own.
238
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:53,954
Fine. Good luck.
239
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:55,756
But it's nobody's fault.
240
00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:58,325
I just think it's time
for me to move on.
241
00:10:58,391 --> 00:10:59,960
Okay. Good night.
242
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:02,129
But FYI: Charlie's
a thief, a liar
243
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,964
and I suspect something
of a firebug.
244
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:07,167
Really? Hmm, he struck me
as a straight shooter.
245
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,136
Little loosey-goosey
with the liquor and the ladies,
246
00:11:09,202 --> 00:11:12,139
but all in all,
a good fella.
247
00:11:12,205 --> 00:11:15,909
In what universe
is Charlie Harper a good fella?
248
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:19,379
Well, I certainly don't know him
as well as you do,
249
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:22,783
so I'll just shut my piehole.
250
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:26,053
Uh, anyway, here's
the rest of Jake's stuff.
251
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,621
I'll get you my new address
252
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:29,689
as soon as I have one.
253
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:30,991
You do that.
254
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:33,060
So, where are you gonna stay
till then?
255
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:34,561
Piehole, Herb.
256
00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:35,829
Oh, I don't know.
257
00:11:35,896 --> 00:11:37,965
Things are a little tight
right now,
258
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,967
so a hotel isn't
really an option.
259
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:43,303
Maybe the Y
for a couple of days, you know,
260
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,504
but we'll see.
261
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:49,642
I could sleep in my office
or... in the car.
262
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,444
Oh, well,
you can't do that.
263
00:11:51,511 --> 00:11:52,780
Piehole, piehole, piehole!
264
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:53,881
Come on, Judith,
you can't expect
265
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:55,515
a man to sleep
in his car.
266
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:58,852
You're good people.
Just let me just get
a few things.
267
00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:00,420
I'm sure it'll be fine.
268
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:02,923
He's not the kind of guy
who'll overstay his welcome.
269
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,959
He's been at his brother's
for six years.
270
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:07,194
Uh, Herb,
would you mind
271
00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:10,330
giving me a hand
with the NordicTrack?
272
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,331
Oh, sure.
273
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:16,169
Love you.
274
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,208
(doorbell rings)
275
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:22,742
Hey, Charlie.
276
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:24,044
Oh, hey, Herb, what's up?
277
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:25,745
I came to pick up some stuff
for Alan.
278
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:27,114
For Alan?
279
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:28,715
Yeah, he's staying
with Judith and I
280
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,050
till he gets back on his feet.
281
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,685
Gee, Herb, I hate to be
the bearer of bad news,
282
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,655
but I've been waiting six years
for that khaki-wearing weasel
283
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:37,057
to get on his feet.
284
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,591
Judith mentioned that...
285
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,360
using a lot of the same words,
interestingly enough.
286
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,963
Anyway, he wanted to avoid
having a scene with you,
287
00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:45,398
so he asked if I'd pick up
some of his stuff.
288
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:46,366
And you agreed?
289
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,969
I had to get out of there,
Charlie.
290
00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:50,537
Okay, okay, fine.
291
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:51,571
What do you need?
292
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,639
Quite a few things,
actually.
293
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,241
He gave me a list.
294
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:56,409
Well, let him stay
in there long enough,
295
00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,445
he'll give you
a bleeding ulcer.
296
00:12:58,511 --> 00:13:00,147
Yeah, Judith said that, too.
297
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:04,952
Anyway, uh, melatonin,
a mouth guard.
298
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,353
I guess he grinds
his teeth at night.
299
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:08,956
I myself have
restless legs syndrome.
300
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,157
But just the left leg.
301
00:13:10,223 --> 00:13:11,791
Right leg sleeps
like a baby.
302
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,260
What else, Herb?
303
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:16,196
Well, I also got apnea
and I tend to drool a lot.
304
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:19,732
The list, Herb.
305
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:21,334
Oh, yeah, yeah.
306
00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:24,104
Let's see, shower cap,
loofa mitt
307
00:13:24,171 --> 00:13:25,772
and some kind of little stool
308
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:28,341
that elevates his feet while
he's sitting on the toilet.
309
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:29,042
What?
310
00:13:29,109 --> 00:13:30,410
Yeah, apparently when
311
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,079
the morning coffee
doesn't do the job,
312
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,147
having his feet up
gives him that extra leverage
313
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:35,983
for a successful bowel movement.
314
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,218
You're kidding?
315
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,652
No. Look.
316
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:42,055
"For a successful BM."
317
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:44,057
That would mean
"bowel movement."
318
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:48,261
Okay, fine.
Guest bedroom's
right down there.
319
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,296
Oh.
320
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:50,330
Hey, I just made
321
00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:52,065
a pitcher of margaritas.
You want one?
322
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:53,967
Oh, gee, I'll have to pass.
323
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,668
Judith's waiting for me
to get back,
324
00:13:55,735 --> 00:13:56,970
and she gets really steamed...
325
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,105
Salt or no salt?
326
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,707
Salt. Okay.
You got it.
327
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:03,410
(TV show playing)
328
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,616
This is so weird.
329
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:11,251
It's just
for a couple days, Jake.
330
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:12,819
Don't make
a federal case.
331
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:16,023
You know this is probably
gonna affect my schoolwork.
332
00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:19,126
How? It's not like your grades
could get any lower.
333
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,428
That's good, Alan.
Undermine his self-esteem.
334
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:24,097
You see what I have to live with
on weekends?
335
00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:27,467
Nobody's talking
to you.
336
00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,603
Where's he gonna sleep?
337
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,505
I'm not a "he."
I'm your father.
338
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:36,443
How'd you get to be my father
if you're not a "he"?
339
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,112
Go make up
the couch.
340
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:41,381
What about
the guest room?
341
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:42,882
That's not a guest room
anymore.
342
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:43,917
It's Herb's train room.
343
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,185
His what?
344
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:47,520
He's a model train
aficionado.
345
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:50,190
Aficionado?
346
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:52,225
He works hard.
He deserves a hobby.
347
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:55,628
Sometimes he lets me
wear the hat.
348
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,264
I begged you for years
349
00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:59,299
to let me turn that
into a game room.
350
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,868
Bumper pool, ping-pong,
something.
351
00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:03,170
Oh, this is different.
How?
352
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,338
Herb can play
with his trains alone.
353
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:09,276
I'm sure he does plenty of stuff
in there alone.
354
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,910
Excuse me?
355
00:15:10,978 --> 00:15:12,779
Nothing.
356
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,514
(quietly):
I got it.
357
00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,657
This is so beautiful.
358
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:25,993
Yep.
359
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:28,428
Can I confess
something, Charlie?
360
00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:29,729
What's that?
361
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:33,166
I sometimes wonder
about the road not taken.
362
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,667
Which road is that?
363
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,836
Your road, Charlie.
364
00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:40,440
Oh. It's a good road, Herb.
365
00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:43,476
So it's not a matter of the
grass always seems greener?
366
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:47,314
No, no. No, the grass is pretty
frickin' green over here.
367
00:15:48,415 --> 00:15:50,617
Damn!
368
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:53,987
(ringtones playing)
369
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,455
Oops. It's me.
370
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,524
I hope so.
371
00:15:57,590 --> 00:16:00,693
It's the road taken.
372
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,062
You're not gonna answer it?
373
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:05,132
Nah. Judith will just harsh
my mellow.
374
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,667
Yeah, she's a mellow-harsher.
375
00:16:07,734 --> 00:16:08,901
But I love her.
376
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,437
That's nice.
377
00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:14,907
You know, in the boudoir,
we're very simpatico.
378
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,776
Glad to hear it.
379
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,278
On top of everything else,
380
00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:22,482
she actually let me put
my train set in her back room.
381
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,154
Whoo-whoo.
382
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,532
(moans)
383
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:48,108
Damn cran-apple juice.
384
00:16:51,211 --> 00:16:53,546
I should start wearing a diaper.
385
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:08,128
(urinating)
386
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:13,533
(breaks wind)
387
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:18,271
(urinating continues)
388
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:26,012
(intermittent urinating)
389
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:27,514
(toilet flushes)
390
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,566
It's about time
you got home.
391
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,169
Mm...
392
00:17:49,236 --> 00:17:52,739
Is that an apology
I'm feeling?
393
00:17:54,374 --> 00:17:55,742
Mm...
394
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,152
Oopsy.
395
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:07,587
(pounding)
396
00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,290
Where's my husband?
397
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:11,724
Sleeping on the deck.
398
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:13,493
What? Why?
399
00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:14,427
He's drunk.
400
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:16,296
Herb's not a drinker.
401
00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,398
No argument there.
402
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,233
All right, here's how
it's gonna go:
403
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:21,601
I am taking him home with me
404
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:23,736
and you're taking back
your brother.
405
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:26,539
How 'bout this?
406
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:31,344
You and Alan patch things up
and I keep Stretch out there.
407
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,346
I'm kinda fond of the big lug.
408
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:35,815
Charlie, I'm in no mood.
409
00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:37,484
Not what I heard.
410
00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:38,017
What?
411
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:40,653
Whoo-whoo!
412
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,723
I don't have time for this.
Alan, get in here!
413
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:44,524
No!
414
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,693
Do not make me
come get you!
415
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:50,530
Now...
416
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:52,832
apologize
to your brother.
417
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:56,336
Do it!
418
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,974
I'm sorry I made such
a big deal out of everything.
419
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,176
And?
420
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:07,947
(sighs)
And you can keep the $24.78.
421
00:19:08,014 --> 00:19:09,582
This was all about $24?
422
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,751
Plus he tried
to set me on fire!
423
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,187
After you sucked my gas!
424
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,757
Hey, baby, when did you
arrive on the scene?
425
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,592
Just get in the car.
426
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,828
(whispering):
Look, poop stool.
427
00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:24,931
Um... I'm gonna need that.
428
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:29,969
You can pop a blood vessel
if you push too hard.
429
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:32,705
Words to live by.
430
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:34,507
Herb, car!
431
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:35,975
Bye, Charlie.
Bye, Herb.
432
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,444
Bye, all.
Bye, Herb.
433
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,546
This was fun.
Let's do it again.
434
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,548
Now!
435
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:47,487
Kinda like old times, huh?
436
00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:50,790
Judith kicking me out
and you taking me in.
437
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:56,128
You are taking me in,
aren't you?
438
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,130
Give me one good reason
why I should.
439
00:19:58,197 --> 00:20:01,434
Uh, well...
440
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,902
we're... we're family...
441
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,737
um... brothers.
442
00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:08,575
We share blood
and, and, and history.
443
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:11,911
We have a bond
that unites us forever.
444
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,947
Nah. What else you got?
445
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,350
Okay. Uh...
446
00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:18,918
what about my French toast?
447
00:20:18,985 --> 00:20:19,852
You like that.
448
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,153
You know,
449
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:26,225
thick and fluffy with cinnamon
and powdered sugar.
450
00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:28,027
Mm...!
451
00:20:28,094 --> 00:20:30,630
All right, you can stay.
452
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:31,598
Really?
453
00:20:31,664 --> 00:20:32,699
No.
454
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:37,570
(flustered chuckle):
Ha-ha!
455
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:39,506
Very funny.
456
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:41,841
Charlie?
457
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:43,310
(keys jingle)
458
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:47,414
(thudding at door)
459
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,383
You changed the locks?
460
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,152
I was only gone for six hours!
461
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:55,355
Charlie?!
462
00:20:55,422 --> 00:20:57,924
(thunder rumbles)
463
00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:03,029
Oh, crap.
464
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,870
Here you go.
Black, two sugars.
465
00:21:10,937 --> 00:21:12,104
Double glazed.
466
00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:13,806
Thank you.
467
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,108
No, thank you.
468
00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:18,110
I can't believe
Grandma fired me.
469
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:21,348
Well, the labor market's
very competitive these days.
470
00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:22,682
There's always somebody
brighter and better
471
00:21:22,749 --> 00:22:01,020
and willing to work for less.
31837
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