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1
00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:04,872
You got your homework done?
Mm-hmm.
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,006
All of it?
3
00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:07,608
Yep.
4
00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,043
Hmm, attaboy!
5
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,911
Now you just get
to kick back this weekend.
6
00:00:10,978 --> 00:00:12,913
That's my plan.
7
00:00:12,980 --> 00:00:14,048
Except...
8
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,749
Except nothing.
9
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:17,751
Oh, well, excuse me.
10
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:21,789
Oh, yeah.
11
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:22,756
There it is.
12
00:00:24,292 --> 00:00:26,860
I might have to write
a book report for Monday.
13
00:00:26,927 --> 00:00:29,163
What do you mean you might have
to write a book report?
14
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,265
I mean if there's no earthquake
by Monday morning,
15
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:33,033
I have to write
a book report.
16
00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:35,536
Oh, God... so what's the book?
17
00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:38,239
William Shakespeare's
The Taming of the Shrew.
18
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:40,974
By William Shakespeare.
19
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,777
Hey, that'll come in handy when
he's mopping out the toilets
20
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:44,778
at the House of Pancakes.
21
00:00:46,347 --> 00:00:48,982
You know, I could go
for some pancakes.
22
00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,085
Jake, please tell me
you read the book.
23
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,121
I really wish
I could, Dad.
24
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,189
Oh, jeez.
25
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:57,525
I was going to read it,
but I can't find it.
26
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:58,692
You lost the book?
27
00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,928
So what do you intend
to do about the report?
28
00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:03,063
You mean aside
from the earthquake?
29
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:05,133
Yeah.
30
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:09,069
Well, I kind of put
all my eggs in the
earthquake basket.
31
00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:11,239
Go get dressed.
We're going to go to the store.
32
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:12,606
Well, can we stop
for pancakes?
33
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,342
Go!
34
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,444
I bet you're sorry
35
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:19,713
you took all that LSD
before you had him.
36
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,050
I never took any LSD.
37
00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:26,120
You might want
to start telling people you did.
38
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:30,391
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
39
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:33,327
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
40
00:01:35,062 --> 00:01:36,930
Unbelievable.
You had four weeks
41
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:37,965
to write this
book report.
42
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:39,900
Get over it, Dad.
43
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,702
Yeah, Alan, relax.
44
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,671
He'll have eight weeks
of summer school to do it.
45
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:46,840
Unless there's an earthquake.
46
00:01:48,509 --> 00:01:50,278
Oh, excuse me.
Could you tell me
47
00:01:50,344 --> 00:01:51,745
where the classic literature
section is?
48
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,547
Third floor near
the restroom.
Thank you.
49
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:54,482
You guys go ahead.
50
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,384
I'm gonna look
at some magazines.
51
00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:59,253
They don't sell those kinds
of magazines here. I checked.
52
00:02:00,888 --> 00:02:02,089
Come on, you little perv.
53
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:03,391
Meet me back here.
54
00:02:04,292 --> 00:02:06,460
Wait. Was that
an earthquake?
55
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:12,099
Can I help you
find anything?
56
00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,001
Yeah, uh,
I'm looking for a book.
57
00:02:14,067 --> 00:02:15,803
Ah.
58
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:18,906
You probably
need more than that.
59
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:21,975
I want a book about, you know,
relationship stuff.
60
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:25,045
Ooh, relationship stuff.
61
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:27,781
No, not "Ooh, relationship
stuff,"
62
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:29,283
just relationship stuff.
63
00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:31,118
It's in the
self-help section.
64
00:02:31,185 --> 00:02:32,720
Thanks.
65
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:35,155
Best of luck.
66
00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:40,561
This is worse
than buying condoms.
67
00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:43,897
Okay, let's see.
68
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:45,899
Why Relationships Fail.
69
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:48,936
Smart Women, Foolish Choices.
70
00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:50,938
Thank God for those gals.
71
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,607
Excuse me.
Sorry.
72
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,909
Oh, Embracing Your Soul Mate?
73
00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:58,612
Oh. "Soul mate."
74
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,281
I thought it was "cell mate."
75
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,251
You know, a prison love story?
76
00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:05,253
Mm, I see.
77
00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:08,021
Not that I'm into prison
love stories.
78
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:09,623
I like the girls
in prison stuff.
79
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,893
Oh, who am I kidding?
80
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:15,996
I'm looking for some help, okay?
81
00:03:16,063 --> 00:03:17,565
Well, you're not alone.
82
00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:19,633
There are millions of people
out there looking for help.
83
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,503
Gee, thanks for making me
feel special.
84
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,972
Let me ask you something.
85
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,441
What would you change
about yourself if you could?
86
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:30,077
I don't know,
little things, I guess.
87
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:31,111
Like what?
88
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,179
Oh, well, I guess
89
00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,681
I'd like to be a little happier.
90
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:36,650
Maybe find a way to sustain
a healthy relationship
91
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,319
with a woman
so I don't, you know,
92
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:40,220
grow old and die alone,
93
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,889
incontinent and unloved.
94
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,559
Ah, yes, the little things.
95
00:03:46,427 --> 00:03:48,195
Can I recommend a book for you?
96
00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:49,963
Well, as long as I'm here.
97
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,271
Breaking Barriers:
98
00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,973
Finding the Intimacy
You Deserve.
99
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,876
I don't know, I was hoping
to do better than I deserve.
100
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,445
Give it a chance.
101
00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:06,213
I hear it's helped
a lot of people.
102
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:08,749
For 25 bucks,
it better wash my car.
103
00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:13,053
Wait a minute.
104
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:14,254
Is this you?
105
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:16,390
Armor All is extra.
106
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,791
Oh, cool.
107
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,092
Will you sign it for me?
108
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:20,461
Oh, I'd be happy to.
What's your name?
109
00:04:20,528 --> 00:04:22,663
Charlie.
Okay.
110
00:04:24,332 --> 00:04:26,400
Now, that it's autographed,
I'm not a loser;
111
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,636
I'm a collector.
112
00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:32,306
Here you go.
113
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:35,175
"To Charlie, reading
a self-help book
114
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:37,411
doesn't make you
less of a man."
115
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:40,180
Okay, back to loser.
116
00:04:40,247 --> 00:04:42,149
You're not a loser, Charlie.
117
00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:44,518
Like most men, you're just
afraid to be vulnerable.
118
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:47,888
Excuse me, but what sane person
wants to be vulnerable?
119
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:51,024
If you're not vulnerable,
you can't feel anything.
120
00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:52,860
Yeah, and?
121
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:54,762
Read the book.
122
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:58,098
Wait.
123
00:04:58,165 --> 00:04:59,833
Can I buy you
a cup of coffee?
124
00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:00,768
Why?
125
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,570
I'd like to talk
to you some more.
126
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,338
Are you still
gonna buy the book?
127
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:06,173
I have to.
128
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:07,841
You wrote all over it.
129
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:09,877
Then sure, why not?
130
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:11,512
Great.
131
00:05:11,579 --> 00:05:13,547
Listen, if I give you the money,
will you pay for it?
132
00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:15,749
I don't need any more
sympathy from the help.
133
00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:18,519
What's a shrew anyway?
134
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:20,253
Oh, it's a small rodent.
135
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,289
Oh, so this is like
Stuart Little?
136
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:24,658
No, no, it's about a man
137
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,927
trying to control
a willful, angry woman.
138
00:05:26,994 --> 00:05:29,630
Is he trying to control her
with rodents?
139
00:05:31,198 --> 00:05:32,800
I don't want
to spoil it for you.
140
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:34,835
Let's just find
your Uncle Charlie
141
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,336
and get out of here.
142
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,638
Excuse me, uh...
143
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:39,907
have you seen a guy,
um, dark hair,
144
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,241
bowling shirt, shorts?
145
00:05:41,308 --> 00:05:43,243
Oh, yeah, the self-help guy.
146
00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:44,878
No, that doesn't sound like him.
147
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:47,448
Well, a guy like that just left
with a pretty blonde woman.
148
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,417
That sounds like him.
149
00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:51,685
Dad, this is
the wrong book.
150
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,086
What are you talking about?
151
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:55,423
It's in some sort
of foreign language.
152
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,391
It's Elizabethan.
153
00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,393
Well, can we get one in English?
154
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,361
Walk.
155
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:06,600
* Men. *
156
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,936
ALAN:
How could you have
already lost the book?!
157
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:10,337
JAKE:
I didn't do it on purpose!
158
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:11,939
What are you yelling at me for?!
159
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,441
ALAN:
'Cause it's one
of the few pleasures
160
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,443
of being your father!
161
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:19,279
Oh, look who's here!
Thanks a lot.
162
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:20,814
What did I do?
163
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,249
You stranded us at the mall.
164
00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,383
We had to take the bus home.
165
00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:24,552
The bus!
166
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,286
I left the book on the bus.
167
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:28,388
There. Mystery solved.
168
00:06:29,322 --> 00:06:30,123
Go get in the car.
169
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,191
Where are we going?
170
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,460
Where do you think we're going?
171
00:06:33,561 --> 00:06:36,497
Well, we never did get
those pancakes.
172
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:38,499
We're going back
to the bookstore
173
00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:39,967
to buy another damn book.
174
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,201
And this one's coming out
of your allowance.
175
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:42,836
What allowance?
176
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,307
Wait. I'm supposed
to be getting an allowance?
177
00:06:47,374 --> 00:06:49,176
Go get your shoes.
178
00:06:53,213 --> 00:06:55,449
Whoa. Did you guys feel that?
179
00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:57,718
Move it!
180
00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:02,422
So guess what?
181
00:07:02,490 --> 00:07:03,824
I'm going to transform my life
182
00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:05,559
and get the intimacy
I deserve.
183
00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:07,160
Fantastic.
184
00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:09,530
You work on that while I go back
to the mall with taterhead.
185
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,867
Not only that, I met the author,
186
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,102
and she's amazing.
187
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,537
Is this the woman
you dumped us for?
188
00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:18,105
Yeah, and you know
what she told me?
189
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,139
No idea.
190
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:20,974
She told me that my fear
191
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:23,343
of being hurt keeps me
from feeling anything at all.
192
00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:25,445
It's like I'm like living
in an emotional prison
193
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,547
that I built myself.
194
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:27,615
How about that?
195
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,249
You abandoned us.
196
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,084
I know, but get this:
197
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:34,121
I'm not just a prisoner.
I'm the warden.
198
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:38,559
We had to take two buses
and walk a mile
199
00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:41,194
on the Pacific Coast Highway
during rush hour.
200
00:07:41,261 --> 00:07:42,162
I get it.
201
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:43,597
I understand.
202
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:44,832
But the good news is,
203
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:47,568
I hold the keys
to my own freedom.
204
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,637
There's no sidewalk
205
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,872
on the Pacific Coast Highway.
206
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,107
Okay, okay.
207
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:55,175
I hear ya.
208
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:56,810
You're angry and resentful.
209
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,779
But what you need
to understand
210
00:07:58,846 --> 00:08:00,814
is that resentment
is the mortar
211
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:02,850
that holds the bricks
of loneliness together
212
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,985
in a wall of alienation
and despair.
213
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:10,090
Chapter 3:
"Knocking Down the Wall."
214
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,992
Bite me.
215
00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:16,163
That's chapter one
in my forthcoming book
216
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:17,798
entitled, Bite Me.
217
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:22,736
Chapter two is called,
"Kiss My Pale White Ass."
218
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,939
We can't go back to the mall.
219
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:26,840
Why not?
220
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:28,609
My shoes are missing.
221
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:34,114
Huh, another mystery solved.
222
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:37,818
Wrong foot, buddy.
223
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,721
Oh, yeah, thanks.
224
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:44,658
Guess I should be reading
Taming of the Shoe.
225
00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:47,995
Get it?
226
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,265
You might want to
start thinking about
227
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:53,901
having him neutered.
228
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,471
* Men. *
229
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,041
Mmm, this is delicious.
230
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,210
I've never had
Ethiopian food before.
231
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:06,479
Mmm, I've loved it
ever since I lived in Ethiopia.
232
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,349
Wow. When did you live there?
233
00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:11,184
Let's see...
234
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:13,220
It would have to be 1972.
235
00:09:13,286 --> 00:09:15,623
"1972"?
236
00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:17,124
Were you born there?
237
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:19,292
Don't be silly.
238
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,493
This was right after college.
239
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,129
I was in the Peace Corps.
240
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:24,131
Huh.
241
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:27,067
College. 1972.
242
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:28,836
Need a pencil?
243
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,605
N-n-no, no, no, no.
244
00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:36,009
I was just thinking
what I was doing in 1972.
245
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,144
Oh, tell me.
246
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,980
Well, I don't have
a vivid memory of it,
247
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:42,415
but I'm pretty sure
that's the year I graduated
248
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:43,583
to the big boy potty.
249
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,786
Wow.
250
00:09:45,853 --> 00:09:47,420
So it's quite a year
for both of us.
251
00:09:47,487 --> 00:09:49,823
Uh-huh.
252
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,726
So are you still using
that college degree?
253
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,128
'Cause I'm still using
the big boy potty.
254
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,932
You're used to going out
with younger women, aren't you?
255
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:02,169
Well, I don't really
think about age
256
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:04,705
as much as I think
about personality
257
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,774
and, you know, chemistry.
258
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:10,077
And, uh, education,
family values...
259
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:14,114
All right, young and dumb,
you got me.
260
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,251
I'm not judging you, Charlie.
261
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:20,420
You're a man
and you know what you want.
262
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:21,621
What's wrong with that?
263
00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,658
Nothing?
264
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:26,093
Nothing.
265
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:28,996
You are fine
just the way you are.
266
00:10:29,062 --> 00:10:30,463
I am?
267
00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:32,766
Of course you are.
268
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:37,504
If I called my mother now,
would you tell her that?
269
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:39,606
You don't think she knows?
270
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,742
As far as she's concerned,
271
00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:44,111
the last thing I did right
was evacuate her uterus.
272
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,080
Oh, you poor thing.
273
00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:48,115
That's awful.
274
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:49,382
It is, isn't it?
275
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:52,953
Every little boy needs
to feel loved and nurtured.
276
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:56,189
Otherwise, he grows up
with a hole inside him
277
00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,457
that he can never fill.
278
00:10:57,524 --> 00:11:00,728
Oh, I have got such a big hole.
279
00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,896
If my hole could talk.
280
00:11:04,965 --> 00:11:07,234
You got a little something
right here.
281
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:09,402
Oh.
282
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:10,938
I'll get it.
283
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,076
There we go.
284
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:17,244
Thanks.
285
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:19,179
You know what?
286
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:21,148
I like you.
287
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:24,684
I like you too, Charlie.
288
00:11:27,620 --> 00:11:30,323
Try the yemiser kik wat.
289
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:33,526
Looks kind of yucky.
290
00:11:33,593 --> 00:11:35,095
Well, don't look at it.
291
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:36,329
Just taste it.
292
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,032
Oh, come on. Just one bite.
293
00:11:39,099 --> 00:11:40,233
For me?
294
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,305
Okay.
295
00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:53,380
Hey, it's good.
296
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:54,647
I told you.
297
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,616
Oh, excuse me.
298
00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,351
Could I get another napkin?
299
00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:04,457
So, what do they
have for dessert?
300
00:12:06,359 --> 00:12:08,128
* Men.
301
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:11,364
Well, Charlie, thank you
for a lovely evening.
302
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:13,366
You're welcome.
303
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,371
Can I, uh...
kiss you good night?
304
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:21,308
Do you usually ask permission?
305
00:12:21,374 --> 00:12:23,110
Well, no.
306
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,946
Then why are you asking now?
307
00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:27,214
I don't know.
308
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,850
I don't...
want to get in trouble.
309
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:39,292
Okay, I'm in trouble.
310
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,294
(laughs)
311
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:42,495
(door opening)
312
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:43,931
Oh, I'm sorry.
313
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,698
I thought
I heard something.
314
00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:46,867
It's okay.
315
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:47,935
Jeremy, this is Charlie.
316
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,169
Charlie, this is my son Jeremy.
317
00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:51,704
Hi. How are you?
Good. How's it going?
318
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,006
Good.
I didn't mean
to interrupt.
319
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:54,842
I just, uh, dropped in
to fix your computer.
320
00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:56,109
I'll leave you two alone.
321
00:12:56,176 --> 00:12:58,311
Charlie, good
meeting you.
Same here.
322
00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,715
So, that's your son?
323
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:03,750
Mm-hmm.
324
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:06,086
How old is he?
32.
325
00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:09,356
They're cute at that age.
326
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,992
* Men.
327
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,477
Hey!
328
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:31,979
What?
329
00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:34,247
You're supposed to be finishing
your report.
330
00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:37,050
I know, but I can't find
the book.
331
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:40,120
You're kidding.
332
00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:41,922
We-We just bought it.
333
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,190
What can I say, Dad?
334
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,792
It's a big house
and a little book.
335
00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:49,596
Find the book.
336
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,031
I'm really tired.
337
00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:53,766
Find the book!
338
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:57,404
Just saying it
won't make it happen.
339
00:13:59,306 --> 00:14:03,076
ALAN (shouting):
Find... the... book!
340
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:05,879
Heads up. He's losing it.
341
00:14:06,746 --> 00:14:07,647
I should have put frosting
342
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,049
on the damn book.
343
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:11,218
He's never lost anything
with frosting on it.
344
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:12,886
I don't know why you continue
345
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:14,554
to bang your head
against the wall.
346
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:15,855
The kid's obviously destined
347
00:14:15,923 --> 00:14:18,992
to sell tube socks out
of the trunk of his car.
348
00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:22,495
A business of his own.
349
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,464
Gee, that'd be swell.
350
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:29,736
So, how was your date?
351
00:14:29,802 --> 00:14:31,238
Terrific.
352
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:32,705
Then why are you
home so early?
353
00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:35,475
Well, turns out she has a kid.
354
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:36,743
Hmm. Single mom, huh?
355
00:14:36,809 --> 00:14:38,979
Yeah.
356
00:14:39,947 --> 00:14:42,615
That's what she is: single mom.
357
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:43,616
How old?
358
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:44,651
32.
359
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:47,454
I meant the kid.
So did I.
360
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:48,488
You're kidding.
361
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,822
If-If she's got
a 32-year-old kid,
362
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,158
that would make her at least...
363
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,892
Don't do the math, please.
364
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,295
It all goes south
when you do the math.
365
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:56,997
Oh, come on. So-So you're dating
an older woman.
366
00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:58,798
It's no big deal.
367
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:01,401
That's it? You're not gonna
give me a hard time about it?
368
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,703
Don't be silly.
I'm more evolved than that.
369
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:05,105
Well, good.
370
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:09,076
* Just a gigolo
371
00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:10,377
* Everywhere I go
372
00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:13,546
* People know the part
I'm playing... *
373
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:14,948
Huh.
374
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,883
I guess I'm not.
375
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:18,551
Look, this is
a spectacular woman,
376
00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:22,222
and it doesn't matter to me
in the least how old she is.
377
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:25,358
Oh, please. You can't even
tolerate age spots on a banana.
378
00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,328
Okay, first of all,
379
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,097
on a banana,
those spots
380
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:32,532
are an indication of mushiness.
381
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:33,900
And second,
382
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:37,504
I haven't peeled this woman yet.
383
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:46,546
In the freezer?
384
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,248
Jake!
385
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:50,117
JAKE:
I found it!
I'm reading!
386
00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:52,352
It's really cool.
387
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,524
* Men.
388
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:07,167
For God's sake.
389
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:09,236
Hey, I was reading that!
390
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,538
You're writing a report
on The Taming of the Shrew,
391
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,506
not The Voyages
of Cap'n Crunch.
392
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:16,676
Too bad. I could write
the crap out of that.
393
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,748
Okay.
394
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,516
I'm not fooling around here.
395
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:26,119
You are going to finish
this damn book
396
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,620
and write the damn report,
397
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:30,423
and you are going to hand it in
on Monday,
398
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,726
spell-checked, formatted
and on freakin' time.
399
00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:36,629
I have my doubts, Dad.
400
00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:39,532
Read!
401
00:16:39,599 --> 00:16:42,535
Fine.
402
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:45,738
Listen to this.
403
00:16:45,805 --> 00:16:46,806
"A sleeve?
404
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,208
"'Tis like a demi-cannon:
405
00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:50,577
What, up and down,
carved like an apple tart?"
406
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:54,047
All I get from this is,
blah, blah, blah, apple tart.
407
00:16:55,748 --> 00:16:57,684
Have we got any apple tarts?
408
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:00,687
(doorbell ringing)
409
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:02,322
Hi.
410
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:03,623
Hi.
411
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:08,061
Oh, good. I was afraid
412
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,996
that first kiss might
have been a fluke.
413
00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:13,966
Well, I don't know about you,
but that was not my first kiss.
414
00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:15,568
Come on in.
415
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,769
Oh, wow!
416
00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:18,571
What a beautiful home.
417
00:17:18,638 --> 00:17:20,540
Thank you.
418
00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:25,145
How much of it
do you want to see?
419
00:17:27,447 --> 00:17:30,517
Oh, this will be
enough for today.
420
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:31,518
Understood.
421
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:32,519
Let's hit the road.
422
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,354
Aren't you gonna
take a jacket?
423
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:35,688
Nah, I'm okay. I don't need one.
424
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:38,158
Oh, it gets cool
in Santa Barbara, Charlie.
425
00:17:38,225 --> 00:17:39,359
I'll be fine.
426
00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:40,427
Please. If you don't need it,
427
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,129
you can leave it in the car.
428
00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:44,497
All right.
429
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:47,634
Take a look around.
430
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,636
Mm, thanks, I will.
431
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:52,139
Oh, hi.
432
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:53,440
You, uh.... you must be Angie.
433
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,442
I'm Alan,
Charlie's brother.
434
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,677
Oh, of course. Hi.
Oh, what a firm handshake.
435
00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,980
Oh. Well, uh, no one trusts
a chiropractor with limp hands.
436
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,149
Oh, you're a chiropractor?
437
00:18:02,215 --> 00:18:03,383
Hey, hang on a second.
438
00:18:03,450 --> 00:18:05,084
I could have gotten
into medical school.
439
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:07,987
I-I just didn't want to spend
four years in South America.
440
00:18:08,054 --> 00:18:10,223
No, no. I'm a big fan
of chiropractics.
441
00:18:10,290 --> 00:18:11,458
You're kidding.
442
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:14,026
No. I think you people
are miracle workers.
443
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,495
CHARLIE:
Okay.
444
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:16,396
I'm ready to go.
445
00:18:16,463 --> 00:18:18,165
Did you put on sunblock?
446
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,433
I don't need sunblock.
447
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:21,968
Oh, honey, I think you do.
448
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:23,203
You have beautiful skin,
449
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:25,205
and I don't want
to see it get burned.
450
00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:26,573
You're right. Thanks.
451
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:29,609
Uh, so, anyway, uh,
452
00:18:29,676 --> 00:18:33,713
you were saying something
about me being a miracle worker?
453
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:37,150
Oh, God, yes. You know, I threw
my back out last year skiing.
454
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:38,918
My chiropractor
just about saved my life.
455
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:40,153
But that's what we do.
456
00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:41,621
You know, we-we're not flashy.
457
00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:43,823
We don't get, you know,
special license plates
458
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:46,426
so we can park wherever
the hell we want.
459
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:48,328
You know, nobody makes
TV shows about us.
460
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:50,263
Or calls us McDreamy
461
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:53,766
or McSteamy or McMuffin.
462
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:57,904
We just quietly go about
the business of healing.
463
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:58,905
I know. I know.
464
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:00,207
Thank you. Thank you.
465
00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:01,708
I only wish more people
appreciated us.
466
00:19:01,774 --> 00:19:04,311
Well, Alan, you can't worry
about what other people think.
467
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:06,979
I know, but the lack
of respect really hurts.
468
00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:08,415
You know, "back-cracker."
469
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,517
"Spine-cruncher." "Quack."
470
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:12,952
Uh, "charlatan."
"Witch doctor..."
Alan?
471
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:14,921
"Voodoo priest."
Fraud. Failure.
472
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:16,423
Hey, hey.
473
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,626
You know what we call people
who say those kinds of things?
474
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:20,993
My family?
475
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:22,262
We call them damaged.
476
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:23,730
They need to hurt others
477
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,665
in order to feel better
about themselves.
478
00:19:25,732 --> 00:19:28,501
Exactly. And-And the only reason
I don't feel good about myself
479
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:31,238
is that I'm not good enough
at hurting them back.
480
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:33,306
Oh, no, you don't
want to do that.
481
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:35,575
Yeah, I kind of do.
482
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:39,346
Alan, you need
to ignore the negativity
483
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:41,748
and open yourself up
to the nurturing love
484
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:43,115
that's all around you.
485
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,617
Love is all around me?
486
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:45,818
Yes.
487
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:49,155
Is it hiding behind the
loathing and rejection?
488
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:53,025
Honey, I am loving you
right now.
489
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:54,527
Really?
490
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,463
Yes, really.
491
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,399
Thank you.
492
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:06,273
You are a wonderful,
valuable human being.
493
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:08,408
(sobbing):
I am?
494
00:20:08,475 --> 00:20:10,743
Yes, you are.
495
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:13,313
Yeah.
496
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,482
(sobbing)
497
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:20,253
I see you're getting
to know my brother.
498
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,788
(sobbing)
499
00:20:21,854 --> 00:20:23,823
* Men.
500
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,928
Isn't this beautiful country?
501
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,029
Yeah.
502
00:20:30,096 --> 00:20:31,964
It's swell.
503
00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:33,466
Angie, if you
like antiquing,
504
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:35,435
I know some great
little shops.
505
00:20:35,502 --> 00:20:37,637
I'm not going
antiquing.
506
00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:38,671
Oh, that's okay.
507
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:39,906
Angie and I
will peel off,
508
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,809
and you can sit
in the park
and drink.
509
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,211
Are there any game arcades
in Santa Barbara?
510
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:46,546
You won't have time.
511
00:20:46,613 --> 00:20:48,180
You have a book to read.
512
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,049
Oh, yeah.
513
00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:52,118
I forgot it.
514
00:20:52,184 --> 00:20:53,119
That's okay.
515
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:54,554
We can stop at a bookstore.
516
00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:57,223
Aw, gee, we don't want
to ruin your afternoon.
517
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:58,458
Hey, we
invited you.
518
00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:00,527
We want you with us,
right, Charlie?
519
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:01,494
No.
520
00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:03,963
Oh, don't be that way.
521
00:21:04,030 --> 00:21:06,333
I'll tell you what--
after we get Jake's book,
522
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:08,435
we'll stop and
get ice cream.
523
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:11,003
Ooh.
Yes!
Ah!
34939
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