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1
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:06,240
Taste this.
2
00:00:06,307 --> 00:00:08,008
I don't need to taste it.
3
00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:10,211
It's a chocolate laxative.
4
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,113
I think it needs more caramel.
5
00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:17,017
I'm telling you, Alan,
6
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:18,419
one of these days
that kid's gonna fart
7
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:21,222
and birds are gonna
fall out of the sky.
8
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,657
Funny. Uh, listen.
9
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,293
How much is a hooker?
10
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,327
What?
11
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:28,462
Alan, what are you gonna do
with a hooker?
12
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:32,200
Well, I'd like to pay her
to have sex with me.
13
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:34,068
Yeah. But... Why?
14
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,703
Well, I've been thinking...
15
00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,139
I don't have have
a great track record
with relationships,
16
00:00:38,206 --> 00:00:40,674
but I still have desires,
so I figure--
17
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:43,244
why not simplify,
get back to basics.
18
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:44,845
No relationship,
no disappointment,
19
00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:46,547
just sex.
20
00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:50,418
Well, sex with you,
there's bound to be
some disappointment.
21
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:53,354
I mean, even with a hooker,
22
00:00:53,421 --> 00:00:55,089
money only buys you
so much goodwill.
23
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,158
But I don't have to care.
24
00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:59,327
Because it's a straight
business transaction,
25
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,995
the only needs that are
important are mine.
26
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,398
Hey, you don't have to sell
me on it.
27
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:07,368
I just never pictured you
doing anything this.
28
00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:08,869
Me neither. But you know
what's interesting?
29
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:11,939
Once I decided to give up
trying to live a moral life,
30
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,574
I felt somehow free.
31
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:16,510
Again, you don't have
to sell me on it.
32
00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,078
How much
you looking to spend?
33
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:21,315
Uh, well, as you know,
I am a bit of a bargain hunter.
34
00:01:21,382 --> 00:01:25,953
Yeah, but, unfortunately,
they don't stock hookers
at the 99-cent store.
35
00:01:26,019 --> 00:01:27,855
Give me a number.
36
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,089
Okay, well, um...
37
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:33,494
What could I get
in the $200 range?
38
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,329
Crabs.
39
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,799
And get carjacked.
40
00:01:38,866 --> 00:01:40,334
All right, then...
41
00:01:40,401 --> 00:01:41,969
why don't you give me a number.
42
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,003
$1,500.
43
00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:44,538
For one night?
44
00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:45,806
For one hour.
45
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:47,675
One hour?!
46
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:50,144
I want sex,
not surround sound.
47
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,045
Trust me,
it's worth it.
48
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,349
For that kind of money,
you get the girlfriend
experience.
49
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:56,717
Haven't you been listening?
50
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,786
I don't want
the girlfriend experience.
51
00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:00,120
I want sex--
52
00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:03,757
guiltless, emotionless,
selfish sex.
53
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:04,725
I understand.
54
00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,294
At a reasonable price.
55
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,896
Got it.
I'm make a few calls,
see what I can do.
56
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,164
That'd be good.
57
00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:12,032
And try to get a nonsmoker.
58
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:13,801
Sure.
59
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:17,605
Who wants a girl
who would put one of those
nasty things in her mouth?
60
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,207
WOMAN:
Charlie?
61
00:02:19,273 --> 00:02:20,741
Charlie Harper?
62
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:22,776
Hey... How are you?
63
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,945
Wow, how long has it been?
64
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,113
Too long.
65
00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,415
This is my brother Alan.
66
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,149
Hi. This is
my daughter Milly.
67
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,918
Hi, Milly.
Hello, Milly.
68
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:34,121
(mumbling):
Boy, this is
some killer crumb cake.
69
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:34,922
Hello.
70
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:35,823
Hi.
71
00:02:37,358 --> 00:02:39,126
Ah. Milly, this is my son Jake;
Jake, this is Milly.
72
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:41,295
Want some cake?
73
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:43,096
I don't eat sugar.
74
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:44,532
Oh, yeah, me neither,
75
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:47,100
unless it's in like pies
and cookies and stuff.
76
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,269
Whatever.
77
00:02:48,336 --> 00:02:49,337
Yeah, whatever.
78
00:02:51,205 --> 00:02:52,606
I play guitar;
I'm in a band.
79
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:53,941
They're called
The Dudes of Rockage--
80
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,344
heavy metal, classic rock
kind of stuff.
81
00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,078
I'm into Gwen Stefani.
82
00:02:58,145 --> 00:02:59,913
Oh, yeah,
they're great.
83
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:03,083
You sure you don't want
some cake?
84
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,286
No, thanks.
85
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,187
Oh, gee,
we have to get going.
86
00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:10,891
Call me sometime, Charlie,
maybe we can get together,
have dinner and catch up.
87
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:11,959
That would be great.
88
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,193
Do you still have my number?
89
00:03:13,261 --> 00:03:15,363
Uh... I'm-I'm sure
I do, but...
90
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,431
you know, just in case.
91
00:03:17,498 --> 00:03:20,133
WOMAN:
Here you go.
92
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,134
Pleasure to meet you, Alan.
93
00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,870
Same here.
94
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,241
She seems nice.
Who is she?
95
00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:30,278
I have no frickin' idea.
96
00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,513
I'll tell you
who she is...
97
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:35,516
the grandmother of my children.
98
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:40,588
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
99
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:43,391
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
100
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:46,727
Uncle Charlie?
101
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,362
What?
102
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:50,398
Could you do me a favor
and call Milly's mom
103
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:52,099
and find out if Milly likes me?
104
00:03:52,165 --> 00:03:54,167
But don't tell her I asked,
105
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,836
'cause I don't want
to appear needy.
106
00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,871
I'm on it.
107
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:05,446
You're not gonna
do it, are you?
108
00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:08,449
What was your first clue?
109
00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:09,783
Come on. Why not?
110
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,285
Jake, buddy...
111
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,887
I don't even remember
who Milly's mom is.
112
00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:17,090
Calling her will put me
in a very awkward position.
113
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:18,426
More awkward than the time
114
00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:20,328
I had to pretend to be lost
at the mall
115
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:21,562
so you could meet
the cute security guard?
116
00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:23,931
Hey, we both benefited
from that.
117
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:25,232
How do you figure?
118
00:04:25,299 --> 00:04:27,901
I got a hot date
and you got a hot pretzel.
119
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:33,707
It was an excellent pretzel.
120
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,611
Did you make the call?
Geez!
121
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:40,047
Everybody wants me
to pimp for them.
122
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,751
I might as well get myself
an orange hat,
123
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:45,986
platform shoes
and a full-length fur coat.
124
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:48,722
Hey, if anybody could
pull it off, it'd be you.
125
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:49,957
(chuckles)
126
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:52,025
Did you make the call?
127
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,795
Here. Her name's Alexis.
128
00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:56,397
She's expecting
to hear from you.
129
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:59,467
Ooh. Alexis--
that-that's a pretty name.
130
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,402
They all have pretty names,
Alan.
131
00:05:01,469 --> 00:05:04,805
You'll meet
a hooker named Maude.
132
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:05,939
Right, right. So, uh...
133
00:05:06,006 --> 00:05:08,909
So exactly how much are
we talking about?
134
00:05:08,976 --> 00:05:11,244
She's willing to throw you one
for 500.
135
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,846
Whoa. Uh, okay.
136
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,749
Um...
Can I put it on a credit card?
137
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:19,487
A credit card?
138
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,022
Where are you planning
to swipe it, Alan?
139
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,724
All right, all right.
140
00:05:23,791 --> 00:05:26,960
I was just...
hoping to get the miles.
141
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,599
Forget the miles.
142
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:34,835
And remember, that 500 does not
include the tip.
143
00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,370
I have to tip her?
144
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:37,871
You know, in case there's
something you want
145
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:40,340
that might be considered...
unusual.
146
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,811
Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna have to tip her.
147
00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:45,513
Hi.
148
00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:47,548
Oh...
Hey, Berta.
Hey, Berta.
149
00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:50,651
So what you're saying is
that, uh, this is a...
150
00:05:50,718 --> 00:05:53,654
a la carte kind of deal,
like a, like a steakhouse?
151
00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:54,955
What?
152
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:59,427
As opposed to a, uh...
set menu or buffet style.
153
00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,562
Sure, whatever.
154
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:04,197
Should I, uh, mention your name
when I call?
155
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:05,599
Absolutely.
156
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,869
For every referral,
I get a free travel mug.
157
00:06:08,936 --> 00:06:10,370
Terrific.
158
00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:11,839
Thank you, Charlie.
159
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:13,441
Happy to help.
160
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:16,176
Zippy getting a hooker?
161
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:18,579
It would appear so.
162
00:06:18,646 --> 00:06:21,682
Boy, talk about earning
your money.
163
00:06:23,350 --> 00:06:25,152
Look, all you got to do is call
her mother,
164
00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,588
talk to her for a few minutes,
then ask if Milly's there,
165
00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:29,557
and if she is,
you hand me the phone.
166
00:06:29,623 --> 00:06:31,158
You're not going to let this go,
are you?
167
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,826
Did you get a look at her?
168
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,262
Jake, buddy, I don't even know
her mother's name.
169
00:06:35,328 --> 00:06:38,532
So? You don't know the name of
half the girls you bring over.
170
00:06:38,599 --> 00:06:40,968
First month I was here,
you called me Jack.
171
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,936
(sighs)
172
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,304
All right.
173
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,640
All right.
I will call her,
174
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:48,676
dance around the fact
that I have no idea
175
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,778
who the hell she is,
then I'll hand you the phone.
176
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,179
Great.
177
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,682
Listen, as long as
you're hooking people...
Forget it.
178
00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,784
Aw, come on. I'm not picky,
179
00:06:56,850 --> 00:07:00,554
just find me
a young Andy Griffith.
180
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,758
Just remember,
I'm doing you a favor.
181
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:06,393
Don't forget it in a few years
182
00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,496
when I ask you
to change my diaper.
183
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,063
Okay.
184
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:11,632
Wait. What?
185
00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:14,535
Hey, hi. It's Charlie.
186
00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:16,904
Yeah, it was
great to see you too.
187
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:18,839
Listen, let me tell you
why I'm calling...
188
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:21,341
I'm sitting here
with my nephew...
189
00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:23,711
Yeah, he does like his cake.
190
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:26,179
Remind her I'm in a band.
191
00:07:26,246 --> 00:07:27,781
Hang on.
192
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,016
You gonna let me do this?
193
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:30,518
You're rambling.
194
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:31,985
Fine.
195
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:33,754
It's all yours.
196
00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:37,725
Hello.
197
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,693
Is... Is Milly there?
198
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,429
Oh, okay. Well, can you tell her
that Jake Harper called--
199
00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:44,097
the kid with the band?
200
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:46,700
Really?
201
00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,301
Sure, I guess so.
202
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:49,803
Okay, thanks. Bye.
203
00:07:49,870 --> 00:07:51,772
You and me are having dinner
with them on Friday,
204
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:53,907
so you can catch up.
205
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,376
You and me?
206
00:07:56,443 --> 00:07:59,613
Just don't clock block me, okay?
207
00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:04,284
"Clock block" you?
208
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:05,986
That's not it?
209
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:09,022
No, that's not it.
210
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,194
* Men!
211
00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:16,530
Jake, let's go!
212
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,937
How do I look?
213
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,973
Like you should be
knocking on doors,
214
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:29,009
asking people if they've heard
the Good News!
215
00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:32,913
I already told all my friends
I have a date.
216
00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,749
I wasn't going to where
the jacket,
217
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:37,284
but the shirt has mustard
on the back.
218
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,853
How did you get mustard
on the back of your shirt?
219
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:42,756
A kid bet me I couldn't catch
a hot dog behind my back.
220
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,057
It turns out, I couldn't.
221
00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,392
(sighs)
222
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:48,061
Is that what you're wearing?
223
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,063
What's wrong with it?
224
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:51,498
Nothing, it's fine.
225
00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,233
No, no. No, no, please,
Mr. Blackwell,
226
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,835
I want your opinion.
227
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:57,070
Well, would it kill you
to tuck your shirt in?
228
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:58,405
I would, but I just sat
229
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,107
in some Thousand Island
dressing.
230
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:03,076
Been there, done that.
231
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,613
Get in the car.
232
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,447
Alan, we're leaving.
233
00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:08,916
Okay. Have fun.
234
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,819
I'm going on a double date
with Pumpkinhead--
235
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,821
fun's not an option.
236
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,023
Well, whatever.
I know it means a lot to him.
237
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,190
That's good...
238
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,793
'cause his happiness is
everything to me.
239
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,361
Uh, uh, Charlie? Wait.
240
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:22,996
Yeah.
241
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:24,965
Guess who's coming over tonight?
242
00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,100
Alexis.
243
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,869
Good for you.
244
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:31,271
But if you're planning to use
that vegetable oil,
245
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,106
it's probably going to run you
an extra hundred.
246
00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,409
I'm making French fries.
247
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:40,213
You know? Carb loading
for my upcoming 60-minute dash.
248
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,815
My mistake.
249
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:42,916
But I like how you think...
250
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,152
kinky and heart smart.
251
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,820
Right.
252
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,488
Oh, wait, wait.
One more thing.
253
00:09:48,555 --> 00:09:50,624
Is this like parking
at the mall?
254
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:51,825
What?
255
00:09:51,892 --> 00:09:53,493
If I go over five minutes,
256
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:55,528
do I have to pay
for a whole other hour?
257
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,866
No, it's like a tollbooth.
258
00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,801
At the end of the hour,
a gate comes down
259
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,569
and lops off your penis.
260
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:03,837
Have fun.
261
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,942
Do me a favor,
if you get a chance,
262
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:11,144
ask Milly what
her mother's name is.
263
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,813
Why don't you ask her?
264
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,047
Because women
don't like it
265
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,783
when you forget
their names.
266
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:18,118
Well, then why do
you always do it?
267
00:10:18,185 --> 00:10:21,689
Why do you always eat pastrami
when you know it gives you gas?
268
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:24,424
'Cause I love pastrami.
269
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:25,826
Well, there you go.
270
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:28,528
But I always know
it's called pastrami.
271
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:30,163
Just ask her.
272
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:31,498
Okay.
273
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:32,900
Now, let's talk
about your date.
274
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,002
You need to get
your ducks in a row
275
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,436
before we get
to the restaurant.
276
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,938
What do you mean?
277
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:39,873
Well, if this little girl's
important to you,
278
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:41,574
it'd behoove you to have a plan.
279
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,610
"Behoove"?
280
00:10:43,677 --> 00:10:45,212
It would benefit you.
281
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,814
Oh, yeah, sure.
282
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,415
What was that thing
about ducks?
283
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,217
It's just an expression.
284
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:51,218
Well, it's confusing.
285
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,285
Sorry.
286
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:53,453
You can't get 'em in a row.
287
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,889
I know, I know.
Now, just listen to me...
288
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,590
They're ducks.
Right.
289
00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,994
They move willy-nilly.
290
00:11:01,061 --> 00:11:02,195
Shut up.
291
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:06,299
Whoa. It would behoove you
to speak nicer to me.
292
00:11:06,366 --> 00:11:09,636
I swear to God,
I will open the sunroof,
293
00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,238
pick you up with one hand
294
00:11:11,304 --> 00:11:13,340
and toss you
into the carpool lane.
295
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:16,844
You know,
there's no reason
296
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:20,080
we couldn't be
in the carpool lane.
297
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:24,084
All right,
all right, I'm listening.
298
00:11:24,151 --> 00:11:26,186
Thank you.
299
00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,155
Now, three rules.
300
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,389
Number one:
301
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,992
Dinner with a beautiful woman is
never about food.
302
00:11:32,059 --> 00:11:34,194
I know,
it's about making her like me.
303
00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:35,028
Very good.
304
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:38,131
But there will be food, right?
305
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:39,666
Yes.
306
00:11:39,733 --> 00:11:42,002
'Cause I'm not at my best
when I'm hungry.
307
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,738
Jake, you need to focus here.
308
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:47,340
It would behoove me
to focus.
309
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:52,379
Sorry. What are
the other two rules?
310
00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:53,513
Number two:
311
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,015
Eat with your mouth closed.
312
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:58,285
Number three:
Pray she has low self-esteem.
313
00:11:58,351 --> 00:12:00,187
Number three isn't a rule.
314
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,122
For you it is.
315
00:12:02,189 --> 00:12:04,892
Fine. Now let's go over
my three rules.
316
00:12:04,958 --> 00:12:06,693
(snorts)
You've got rules?
317
00:12:06,760 --> 00:12:08,095
Number one:
318
00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:10,430
I'd like you not to call me
Mr. Potato Head
319
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:13,000
or SpongeBob SmearPants.
320
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,268
How about Sir Farts Alot?
321
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,837
No.
322
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,206
Number two:
323
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,909
I'd think it'd be better
if I call you Charlie
324
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,276
rather than Uncle Charlie;
325
00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,345
so that way, we'd be
more like equals.
326
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,014
So if we're equals,
327
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,182
does that mean you're going
to split the check with me?
328
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,083
(chuckles)
329
00:12:30,150 --> 00:12:32,152
I knew you'd say that, Charlie.
330
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,022
And number three?
331
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:38,926
Oh, there was only two;
I miscounted.
332
00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,798
* Roxanne
333
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:48,101
* You don't have to put on
the red light *
334
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:50,137
* Those days are over
335
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:54,341
* You don't have to sell
your body to the night. *
336
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,709
Oh, wait, you do.
337
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,912
(knocking on door)
338
00:13:00,881 --> 00:13:03,483
Here we go.
339
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,986
Make me proud.
340
00:13:10,824 --> 00:13:12,926
Hey, Alan.
341
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:16,229
Rose... oh, for God's sake.
342
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,697
Did Charlie put you up to this?
343
00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:18,999
What are you talking about?
344
00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:20,233
Charlie didn't put me up
to anything.
345
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,869
Right. So,
it's just a coincidence
346
00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,370
that I'm sitting here
waiting for a prostitute
347
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:25,906
and all of a sudden
you show up at the front door?
348
00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:28,375
You're waiting for a prostitute?
349
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:30,743
No.
350
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,580
Oh, Alan,
that's not like you.
351
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,316
Yeah, well, when you've had
your heart broken enough times
352
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:37,584
and you can't even
bear the thought
353
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,119
of having an
emotional connection
354
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:40,988
with another human being,
what else is there to do?
355
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:43,390
A lot of people
masturbate I hear.
356
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,726
Really, I've heard them.
357
00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:49,062
Nevertheless,
358
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,031
sometimes a man needs
to feel something
359
00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:52,799
other than his own touch.
360
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:55,903
Have you tried switching hands?
361
00:13:55,969 --> 00:13:59,106
It's like being
with a clumsy stranger.
362
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:01,841
Hi.
363
00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:04,544
Hi. You must be
Alan's prostitute.
364
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,146
I'm Rose.
365
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:07,014
Hi, Rose.
366
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,481
Will you be
joining us tonight?
367
00:14:08,548 --> 00:14:11,718
No. You'll just be doing Alan
this evening.
368
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:13,020
Good night, Rose.
369
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,821
Good night.
370
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,689
So, uh, come on in.
371
00:14:16,756 --> 00:14:17,757
Sorry I'm a little late.
372
00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:19,559
Oh, that's okay.
373
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:22,595
As long as it doesn't
come out of my, you know...
374
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,031
winky-dink time.
375
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:26,833
* Men... *
376
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:28,635
Charlie,
you haven't changed
377
00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:29,970
a bit in all these years.
378
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:32,505
It has been years,
hasn't it?
379
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,841
How many years do
you think it's been?
380
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:37,177
I don't know, probably 12.
381
00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:38,311
Huh.
382
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,812
And how old are you, honey?
383
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:40,981
Fourteen.
384
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:42,315
Thank heaven.
385
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:46,486
(French accent):
"For leetle girls."
386
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,488
So, Milly,
do you play dodgeball?
387
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:49,189
No.
388
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,790
I enjoy it quite a bit
389
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:51,992
because it's just
man against man,
390
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,460
but with big red balls.
391
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,630
(pig Latin):
Ix-nay on the allsbay.
392
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:58,798
What?
393
00:14:58,865 --> 00:15:00,433
Just don't say balls.
394
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:03,570
So...
395
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:07,640
are you... living
in the same place?
396
00:15:07,707 --> 00:15:08,841
Yeah, still in my condo.
397
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,710
Right, the condo.
398
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,112
Boy, that takes me back.
399
00:15:12,179 --> 00:15:13,947
I don't think
you were ever there.
400
00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:16,249
That's what I meant.
401
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:21,621
It takes me back to
not being there.
402
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,325
The thing about dodge...
403
00:15:26,526 --> 00:15:29,262
...round things,
is the thrill of competition
404
00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:30,830
and the deep satisfaction
you get
405
00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:33,166
when you see a kid's retainer
fly out of his mouth
406
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,968
when he takes one to the face.
407
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,136
I hate dodgeball.
408
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:37,470
It's too violent.
409
00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:39,006
You're right, it sucks.
410
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:44,577
Milly enjoys painting
and writing poetry.
411
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:45,979
You know, like me.
412
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:46,913
Of course I know.
413
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:48,615
How could I not know?
414
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:52,219
So, are you still doing
the whole art thing?
415
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,286
What do you mean?
416
00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,822
I mean the thing you used to do
417
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:58,591
with the art...
and the poetry.
418
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:01,594
Milly, did Jake tell you
he's in a band?
419
00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,031
Yeah, I'm in a band.
420
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:09,269
(sotto voce):
I don't think she
has low self-esteem.
421
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,272
* Men... *
422
00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:15,142
Shall we take care of business
before we get started?
423
00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:16,909
Oh, oh, absolutely.
424
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,146
No... no money, no honey.
425
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:22,482
No... no lootie, no bootie.
426
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:27,120
No cash advance,
I'm not in your pants.
427
00:16:29,122 --> 00:16:30,590
That was $400, right?
428
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:31,591
Five.
429
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:32,892
Oh, of course.
430
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:35,128
Why did I think it was four?
431
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:38,798
Thanks.
432
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,967
So, Alan...
433
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,935
what do you like?
434
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:44,471
Oh, just about anything.
435
00:16:44,537 --> 00:16:45,572
I'm not finicky.
436
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:48,041
Ooh, no limits, huh?
437
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,777
Well, you know, I'm
not into animals or...
438
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:53,980
anything near my keister.
439
00:16:54,047 --> 00:16:56,883
Okay, come here.
440
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:59,018
Let's get comfy.
441
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:00,887
Oh, all righty.
442
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,489
Ooh...
443
00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:07,794
Oh, baby, you
really turn me on.
444
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,829
Uh, uh,
hang on a sec.
What?
445
00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:12,865
I'm a little bumped
by that "turn me on" part.
446
00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:14,301
I mean, I want believe you,
447
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,203
but I've been with
enough women to know
448
00:17:16,269 --> 00:17:18,205
that it doesn't happen
that fast.
449
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:21,374
Sometimes it doesn't happen
at all.
450
00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:24,077
Honey, I would
not lie to you.
451
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,279
No, no, of course not.
Why would you lie to me?
452
00:17:26,346 --> 00:17:28,781
But...
453
00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:31,318
I'm just saying,
it-it would help
454
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,052
if you could tone down
the narration
455
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,722
to a more believable level.
456
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:37,357
All right.
457
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,327
Mm... Oh.
458
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,930
Mm, you are the
best kisser.
459
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,898
Okay, again...
460
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:49,469
I happen to know for a fact
that I'm not the best kisser.
461
00:17:49,536 --> 00:17:51,338
Okay, I'm a little
confused here.
462
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,506
I'm just not buying it.
463
00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:56,709
And since I am buying it,
I should be able to buy it.
464
00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,979
All you have to do
is tell the truth.
465
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:01,848
There's no need for hyperbole.
466
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,350
All right. Okay.
Okay.
467
00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,352
Mm...
468
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:09,756
Oh, Alan, your
lips are so...
469
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:13,126
thin and dry.
470
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:17,096
Okay, now we're cookin'.
471
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:18,698
* Men... *
472
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,500
I think competitive eating
really changed
473
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:22,935
when that Japanese guy started
wetting the hot dog buns.
474
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:27,507
I actually figured out that
trick myself... by accident.
475
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,978
So... how are
your folks doing?
476
00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:34,013
That's not funny, Charlie.
477
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,049
No, I-I-I meant,
how are they doing...
478
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,185
in heaven?
479
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,886
What are you talking about?
480
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,154
Hell?
481
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,790
Are you referring
to their divorce?
482
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:44,591
Yes, I am.
483
00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:45,725
And divorce is hell.
484
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,460
But after awhile it
can be like heaven.
485
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,196
You know, you're even
prettier than I remember.
486
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:50,763
Thank you.
487
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:53,366
And you are just as charming
as the first time we met.
488
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:54,801
Oh, you don't remember that.
489
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,769
I sure do-- it was
a really hot day in July...
490
00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,771
In my opinion,
the hot dog eaters
491
00:18:58,838 --> 00:18:59,906
are amateurs.
492
00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:01,408
The guys who do pork ribs
and spaghetti,
493
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,476
they're the real athletes.
494
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:07,013
Hey, hey, hey,
the lady's talking here.
495
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:10,250
Oh, right-- Milly, Charlie wants
to know what your mom's name is.
496
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:14,487
You don't remember my name?
497
00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,823
What? Of course I do.
498
00:19:16,889 --> 00:19:19,058
You're gonna listen to
"SpongeBob SmearPants"?
499
00:19:19,125 --> 00:19:20,260
(giggles)
500
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,862
Oh, you want play
like that, huh?
501
00:19:22,929 --> 00:19:26,032
Mister... Drunky-face.
502
00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:27,133
What's my name, Charlie?
503
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,201
Just a sec.
504
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:30,036
How's your lobster, sweetheart?
505
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,439
You need more butter, 'cause
there's plenty on Jake's shirt.
506
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:36,175
You have no idea
what my name is, do you?
507
00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:38,177
He doesn't have a clue.
508
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:40,947
Okay, okay, okay,
I'm not good with names,
509
00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:43,115
but I'll never forget
the passionate nights
510
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,351
we spent together.
511
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:46,185
We never spent the night
together.
512
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:47,620
We didn't?
No.
513
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,689
Well, no wonder
I don't remember you.
514
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,225
Come on, honey,
we're leaving.
515
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,193
No, no, no, no, no,
wait, wait, wait.
516
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:56,062
I gotta know...
517
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,164
who the hell are you?
518
00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,433
Nice going.
519
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,035
Me? You're putting this on me?
520
00:20:03,102 --> 00:20:04,537
Can I bring you anything else?
521
00:20:04,604 --> 00:20:09,609
Yeah, get me a bottle of scotch,
a taxi and a smarter kid.
522
00:20:09,676 --> 00:20:11,711
Can I have a chocolate
mousse, please.
523
00:20:13,813 --> 00:20:15,248
* Men... *
524
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:16,883
ALAN:
Oh, come on.
525
00:20:16,949 --> 00:20:18,117
I just said
I can't believe
526
00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:19,919
I'm the biggest
you've ever seen.
527
00:20:19,986 --> 00:20:23,155
I mean, I'm not even
the biggest I've ever seen
528
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,057
and I haven't seen that many.
529
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,926
I'm sorry, I have to go.
530
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,361
Why?
I have a headache.
531
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:31,197
I can work with that-- I
was married for 12 years.
532
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:32,231
Here's your money.
533
00:20:32,299 --> 00:20:34,367
Don't ever call me again.
534
00:20:38,305 --> 00:20:41,441
Okay. Second base for free.
535
00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,778
* Men... *
536
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,853
(sighs)
537
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:56,188
(sputters)
538
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:59,492
(belches)
539
00:20:59,559 --> 00:21:04,096
So, are either of you gonna
tell me how it went tonight?
540
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:05,632
Ask your
bubbleheaded son.
541
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:08,735
Ask your
butt-headed brother.
542
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,437
You know what?
543
00:21:10,503 --> 00:21:12,405
I'm not that interested.
544
00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:13,640
I'm going to bed.
545
00:21:14,741 --> 00:21:16,376
Oh, no, stay.
546
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:19,579
I so enjoy your company.
547
00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:25,017
So, how'd it go
with Alexis?
548
00:21:25,084 --> 00:21:27,487
Well, uh,
I don't want to brag,
549
00:21:27,554 --> 00:21:30,557
but, uh, she wouldn't
take my money.
37290
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