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1
00:00:02,036 --> 00:00:04,872
(both breathing heavily)
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:08,742
Well, that was
just lovely.
3
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,778
I do aim to please.
4
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:15,149
And, after last time,
I appreciate the aiming.
5
00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:17,385
Hey, we made good time.
6
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:19,387
I can let
the babysitter go early.
7
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,389
The key is efficient foreplay.
8
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:22,890
Minimal attention
to each breast
9
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:26,160
before I meander to your dander.
10
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:28,929
Spoon?
11
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:30,298
Sure.
12
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,070
Ah!
Ah!
13
00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,607
And... switch.
14
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,847
Ah!
Ah!
15
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:47,915
That was fun.
16
00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:49,183
It always is.
17
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,119
Okay, well, drive safe.
18
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:52,320
I always do.
19
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,754
I know. I'm
just a worrier.
20
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,023
I know you are.
21
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:58,058
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
22
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,495
Wow.
23
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:04,465
I get more tongue
from my butcher.
24
00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:09,703
I'm sorry.
25
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,772
Did you consider
making your presence known?
26
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:13,607
Clear your throat,
maybe a little cough?
27
00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:17,645
I wanted to vomit, but I was
afraid it might break the mood.
28
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,848
Hey, hey, postcoital kissing
is always more platonic.
29
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:21,715
Is it?
30
00:01:21,782 --> 00:01:22,850
Yes. Because, well,
31
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:25,786
we both know
where our mouths have been.
32
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,087
I see.
33
00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:28,422
But, in the bedroom,
34
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:29,723
there was a
lot of saliva
35
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,925
and heat and friction,
believe you me.
36
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,794
Really?
37
00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:36,730
Yes, really.
38
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,701
Okay, it may not have been
crazy hot monkey sex
39
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:42,870
like when we first
started dating,
40
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:47,941
but it was very much
in the general category
of jungle humping.
41
00:01:48,008 --> 00:01:49,343
Jungle humping?
42
00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:52,480
Yes. Maybe not,
you know, tree swinging,
43
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,916
but certainly canoodling
on some low-hanging branches.
44
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,219
You poor bastard.
45
00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,421
Don't you dare
feel sorry for me!
46
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,390
This is what
an adult relationship
47
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:03,657
looks like, Charlie.
48
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,058
People get comfortable
with each other,
49
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,560
and they develop a routine.
50
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,396
And, if it's not always
fireworks and explosions,
51
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:09,630
well, that's a reasonable trade
52
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:12,166
for a warm,
collegial partnership.
53
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:18,038
You poor, poor bastard.
54
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,474
This conversation is over.
55
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:21,809
If only.
56
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:27,315
Okay, it's boring!
It's suffocating!
It's a deathwatch!
57
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,949
But what choice
do I have, Charlie?
58
00:02:29,016 --> 00:02:30,584
Pretend I'm you? I'm not you.
59
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,353
I'm a monogamous,
settle-down kind of guy
60
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:33,687
who hangs on to a relationship
61
00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:35,223
until I'm looking
at divorce papers
62
00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,157
or the pointy end
of a steak knife.
63
00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,859
Oh, that's a load of crap.
64
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,694
You're just afraid, if you
let go of one of these broads,
65
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:42,730
you're never going
to get laid again.
66
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:45,699
Didn't I just say that?!
67
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:48,001
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
68
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:51,839
*Ooh-ooh...
*Men.
69
00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:56,677
(men yelling on TV)
70
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:59,413
Boxing sucks.
71
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:02,316
As always, you're entitled
to your stupid opinion.
72
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:05,919
Why are you making it personal?
73
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,721
I didn't make it personal.
74
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,325
In Ultimate Fighting,
they kick, they elbow,
75
00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:13,126
they get a guy down and
smash his head on the floor.
76
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,397
These guys just dance around
and barely hit each other.
77
00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:18,899
Okay, okay, listen to me.
78
00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,668
Boxing is a science.
79
00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:22,803
Boxers don't just wail
on each other.
80
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,706
They strategize, feel each other
out, wait for an opening.
81
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,511
Gay.
82
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,682
What's with the little pillows
on their hands?
83
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,285
Even if they hit each other,
it wouldn't hurt.
84
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,889
Ow!
85
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,791
Oh, does that hurt?
86
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:44,958
Yeah.
87
00:03:45,025 --> 00:03:46,460
Good.
88
00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,362
Hey, what are you doing?
89
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:49,930
Uncle Charlie hit me.
90
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:51,732
Good.
91
00:03:51,799 --> 00:03:53,033
Where have you been?
92
00:03:53,100 --> 00:03:54,268
I'll... I'll tell you later.
93
00:03:54,335 --> 00:03:55,569
Tell him now.
94
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:58,472
I got better
things to do.
95
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:01,809
You promised he'd grow on me.
96
00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,044
I lied.
97
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,480
So where were you?
98
00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:08,081
Well, I thought
about what you said,
99
00:04:08,148 --> 00:04:10,984
and I went over to Donna's
house to break up with her.
100
00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,053
I'm proud of you.
101
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,356
Thanks.
102
00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:18,759
I'm going to meet her
parents next weekend.
103
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:19,793
But you just said...
104
00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:20,894
I know what I said,
but I just...
105
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:22,430
I couldn't do it.
106
00:04:22,496 --> 00:04:23,697
I'm not capable of rejecting
another human being.
107
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,900
Wow. I'd think,
after all these years,
108
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,236
you'd want to get even.
109
00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:31,872
I am in trouble
here, Charlie.
110
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,708
How do I get out
of a stagnant,
joyless relationship?
111
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:38,412
If I knew how to do that, you
wouldn't still be living here.
112
00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:43,917
Okay, first...
113
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,252
(turns off TV)
114
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:47,321
You gotta get
your mind right.
115
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,789
How do I do that?
116
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:52,860
Close your eyes,
and imagine a parallel world
117
00:04:52,926 --> 00:04:55,195
where there's an Alan Harper
exactly like you.
118
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:56,464
Uh-huh.
119
00:04:56,530 --> 00:04:59,733
Except he's got
a set of balls.
120
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,339
You want to help
me here or not?
121
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,675
It's gotta be fun for me, too.
122
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:12,913
Fine. We'll just assume
that your mind is right.
123
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:15,248
Now,
124
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,750
before you do
the actual dumping,
125
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,285
there's a few things
you've got to consider.
126
00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:20,954
Like what?
127
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,756
Well, does she have any
embarrassing photographs of you
128
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:24,758
that can wind up on the Internet
if she takes it badly?
129
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,326
I'm not sure.
130
00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:28,496
What do you mean,
you're not sure?
131
00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:29,963
Well, there's one of me naked,
132
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,799
but I'm wearing a mask
and a cape.
133
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,867
I thought the sex was mundane.
134
00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,836
Sadly, it still was.
135
00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:38,806
Whatever, she can't
use the picture.
136
00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:41,041
Does she have any
of your credit card information?
137
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:41,975
No.
138
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,411
Don't answer so quickly.
139
00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:47,047
I once handed a date my Visa
so she could pump gas for me,
140
00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:50,283
and, in my next statement,
there were charges
141
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,119
for a boob job
and a Playstation 3.
142
00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:58,392
And I never got to play
with either one of them.
143
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:00,428
You made your date pump gas?
144
00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:03,363
I liked the song
that was on the radio.
145
00:06:03,431 --> 00:06:06,233
But back to
the topic at hand.
146
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:07,868
Does she own any chick weapons?
147
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,169
Chick weapons?
148
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,270
You know.
149
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,173
Little guns,
Tasers, pepper spray?
150
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,308
Well, there's
a baseball bat
by her front door,
151
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,377
but I think that's
for intruders.
152
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:20,481
Yeah, I've made
that mistake, too.
153
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:23,851
Okay.
154
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:27,154
Let's talk about the where,
when and how.
155
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,722
Where.
156
00:06:28,789 --> 00:06:29,990
Always break up
in a public place.
157
00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,525
That way,
you avoid having a scene.
158
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:32,159
That makes sense.
159
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,326
When.
160
00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:34,962
Before the dessert menu
comes out.
161
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,498
Otherwise, you can find yourself
with a lap full of hot coffee,
162
00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:39,433
which is not as much fun
as it sounds.
163
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:41,001
That doesn't sound fun.
164
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:44,137
It sounds fun if you're wearing
a couple of doughnuts.
165
00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:50,678
Moving on to how.
166
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:54,014
What you want to convey
167
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,484
is your undying affection
and gratitude
168
00:06:56,550 --> 00:07:01,354
for your time spent together,
169
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,490
But that's a load of crap.
170
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:03,924
It's all crap, Alan.
171
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:05,759
You know it, she knows it,
everybody knows it.
172
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:07,327
All we're trying
to do here
173
00:07:07,394 --> 00:07:09,863
is keep her from taking batting
practice on your kidneys.
174
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:12,065
Why would she go
for my kidneys?
175
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:15,135
Because you'll be running away
covering your head.
176
00:07:15,202 --> 00:07:18,238
Okay, okay. So...
so I take her to dinner and,
177
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:20,674
then before the coffee comes,
I tell her that,
178
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,009
while I still have
strong feelings for her,
179
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,011
I need time
to find out who I really am.
180
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,178
Excellent.
181
00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,014
Yeah. Maybe... maybe
I can throw in some stuff
182
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,049
about how I'm still
reeling from my divorce.
183
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,719
Don't improvise.
You don't have the chops for it.
184
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,021
Sorry.
185
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,756
No problem.
186
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:37,290
I do appreciate
the advice.
187
00:07:37,357 --> 00:07:39,292
You're very welcome.
188
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,694
(turns on TV)
189
00:07:40,761 --> 00:07:45,499
(men yelling at boxing match)
190
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:47,000
(turns off TV)
191
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,670
A mask and a cape,
and the sex was boring?
192
00:07:49,737 --> 00:07:51,304
What can I say?
193
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:53,173
She still knew
it was me.
194
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:59,479
* Men.
195
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,882
How do I look?
196
00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:03,617
What difference does it make?
197
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:05,052
You're breaking up with her.
198
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,621
I don't want my clothes
to say, "Come hither."
199
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:10,390
Don't worry.
As always, they say,
200
00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:12,693
"Your regular teacher is sick."
201
00:08:14,928 --> 00:08:16,697
You clear on everything
I told you?
202
00:08:16,764 --> 00:08:18,265
Yes, yes.
I'm going to go to her house,
203
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,700
pick her up,
take her to the restaurant...
204
00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,301
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
205
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:22,870
Pick her up?
206
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,504
You're supposed
to meet her there.
207
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,405
Why?
208
00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:26,974
What do you mean, why?
209
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,176
You're gonna breakup with her,
then drive her home?
210
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:33,581
You'll need the Jaws of Life
to get her out of your car.
211
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,248
You didn't say anything
about that.
212
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:37,050
It's common sense.
213
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:38,986
You know why Custer
and Sitting Bull
214
00:08:39,052 --> 00:08:40,588
didn't share a pony
to Little Big Horn?
215
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:42,590
Because they knew there were
216
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:43,857
going to be
some hurt feelings,
217
00:08:43,924 --> 00:08:46,093
and the ride home
would be awkward.
218
00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:47,795
You know what?
219
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:49,262
I'm just going tocall her
and reschedule.
220
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,564
No, no, no,
you're not.
221
00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:51,765
Here's what you're
going to do.
222
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:53,100
You're going
to pick her up,
223
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,534
you're going to
have a nice dinner,
224
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:55,669
you're going to
drive her home
225
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:56,670
and walk her to her door.
226
00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,205
What if she asks me in?
227
00:08:58,271 --> 00:08:59,740
No. Never go inside.
228
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,543
Everything in her house
is a potential weapon.
229
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:04,912
Everything?
230
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,281
I was once blinded for two days
by potpourri.
231
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:15,222
So, you just walk
her to her door,
232
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:17,424
take her by the hand,
233
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,960
and tell her that you've had
wonderful times together,
234
00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:22,129
and those are the memories
you will always cherish.
235
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:25,065
You know,
we did have wonderful times.
236
00:09:25,132 --> 00:09:29,770
Hiking in Catalina,
go-karting in Oxnard,
237
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,205
Oktoberfest in Rosemead.
238
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,875
Oh, what a day that was!
239
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,877
Sharing bratwurst and sauerkraut
240
00:09:36,944 --> 00:09:40,080
while listening to the battle
of the oompah bands.
241
00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,915
Oh, God! Do you think
I'm making a mistake?
242
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:44,885
No, no, no, no, no, no.
The mind plays tricks on us.
243
00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:46,887
It only remembers
the good times.
244
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:50,523
Or, in your case,
the creepy, pathetic times.
245
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,259
But I... I still...
246
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:53,827
Don't worry, Alan.
247
00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:56,496
There'll be other broads
to share your bratwurst with.
248
00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:59,933
You're right. I have to do this.
249
00:10:02,235 --> 00:10:03,904
Wait, wait. What...
250
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:05,505
What if she starts crying?
251
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:06,940
You hold her in your arms,
252
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:09,276
whisper that this is best
for both of you,
253
00:10:09,342 --> 00:10:12,179
then turn around
and walk away like a man.
254
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:14,047
Unless
255
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,849
you hear a distinct
metallic click.
256
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,685
Then zigzag and roll.
257
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,056
* Men.
258
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,732
Hi. Come on in.
259
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:33,901
Uh... uh... That's okay.
260
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,602
I'm kind of hungry.
Let's just go.
261
00:10:35,669 --> 00:10:38,605
Well, actually, I thought
we could stay in tonight.
262
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:39,973
Really?
263
00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:42,242
I'm making fondue. Come on.
264
00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,177
Oh, goody.
265
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,947
Hot cheese
and long, sharp forks.
266
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,724
* Men.
267
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:04,064
(theme from Jaws playing on TV)
268
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:12,572
This movie is stupid.
269
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,507
This movie is a classic.
270
00:11:14,574 --> 00:11:18,345
It's been 40 minutes, and we
haven't even seen the shark yet.
271
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,647
That's because
they're building suspense.
272
00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:22,615
Letting you use
your imagination.
273
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,617
You know what I'm imagining?
274
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,720
A better movie.
275
00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,722
It's a classic, Jake.
276
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,357
I'll tell you
what's a classic.
277
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:31,825
Snakes on a Plane.
278
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,027
'Cause first of all,
you're in an airplane
279
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:35,395
which is scary
to begin with,
280
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,430
and then it's all
filled with snakes.
281
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:38,766
And they're
everywhere.
282
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,467
They're in the overhead
compartments,
283
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,036
they're in the bathrooms,
they're in the vomit bags.
284
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,407
You need to throw up,
open the bag-- snake!
285
00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:49,609
Sounds gripping.
286
00:11:49,676 --> 00:11:51,144
Snake!
287
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:58,118
( Jaws theme playing)
288
00:11:58,185 --> 00:11:59,953
Snake!
289
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,423
That's it,
we're out of here.
290
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,058
Where are we going?
291
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:08,295
Someplace public where killing
you would get me in trouble.
292
00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,263
Fine.
293
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,765
Snake!
(gasps)
294
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:14,667
Great fondue, Donna.
295
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,169
Glad you liked it.
296
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:18,538
Oh, don't forget to put
away the little forks.
297
00:12:18,605 --> 00:12:19,773
Thanks.
298
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:21,308
Be right back.
299
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:30,750
Oh, good Lord.
300
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:36,323
We've had wonderful times
together, Donna.
301
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,892
And those are memories
I will always cherish.
302
00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,260
DONNA:
What?
303
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,261
Nothing.
304
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,499
Uh-oh, potpourri.
305
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:01,414
I made coffee.
306
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:02,482
Hot coffee?
307
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:03,917
Well, yeah.
308
00:13:03,984 --> 00:13:05,418
Of course it's hot.
309
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:08,421
Duh.
(chuckles nervously)
310
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:09,256
Oh, oh, my.
311
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,591
That is potentially scalding.
312
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,660
Blow on it, silly.
313
00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:15,295
Yes. Blowing.
314
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:17,931
You blow, too.
315
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:21,568
So, uh, so, listen,
Donna, um,
316
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,304
there's something we
really need to talk about.
317
00:13:24,371 --> 00:13:25,438
What's that?
318
00:13:25,505 --> 00:13:28,041
Well, I was wondering...
319
00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:31,879
Ar-Ar-Are you completely
happy in this relationship?
320
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:32,880
Oh, good.
321
00:13:32,946 --> 00:13:34,314
Then it's not just me.
322
00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:35,148
What do you mean?
323
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,383
Well, I enjoy spending time
324
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:39,887
with you, but, honey,
I kind of feel like
325
00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,188
we're getting a little stale.
326
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:43,790
Really? I thought
it was going great.
327
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,125
Come on, Alan.
328
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,127
Our sex life is pathetic.
329
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:48,828
We're just going
through the motions.
330
00:13:48,896 --> 00:13:50,163
Well, now, now, hold on.
331
00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:52,465
Those, uh, those motions
are tried and true.
332
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:53,733
Call it whatever you want--
333
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:55,268
tried and true,
dull and listless...
334
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:57,570
I want to call it
tried and true.
335
00:13:57,637 --> 00:14:01,574
All I know is, every time we get
in bed, it's the same old thing.
336
00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:02,842
The same old thing?
337
00:14:02,910 --> 00:14:04,311
What about
the mask and cape?
338
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,814
It was the same old thing
in a mask and cape!
339
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,616
Please don't take it personally.
340
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,152
Oh, no, no, how can I
possibly take it personally?
341
00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,820
You're just telling me
I'm a lousy lay.
342
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,188
I didn't mean lousy.
343
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:19,526
I meant uninspired,
lackluster, predictable...
344
00:14:19,592 --> 00:14:20,793
Okay.
345
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:23,330
Tedious, mind-numbing, boring...
346
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,864
All right, all right,
all right, that's it.
347
00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:26,166
Come upstairs with me.
348
00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:28,368
I will show you tedious,
mind-numbing and boring!
349
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:29,836
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
350
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:30,837
Oh, God, I'm sorry!
351
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:31,871
Hot! Hot!
Hot! Hot!
352
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,140
What can I do?!
353
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,308
I don't know!
Just do something!
354
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,313
Whoa! Oh! Oh!
355
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,648
Oh!!
356
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,650
Oh!
357
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,388
How can you say this is boring?
358
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:49,489
* Men...
359
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:50,823
Wait till you try this.
360
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,359
This is the best
pizza in town.
361
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:53,493
Says who?
362
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,195
They put a flier on
my mom's windshield.
363
00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,696
It said "Best pizza in town."
364
00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:59,699
Jake, let me give you
a little culinary advice.
365
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,302
Any restaurant that advertises
on windshields
366
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:04,204
and has a guy standing out front
dressed as a hoagie
367
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,473
is probably not the best
in town.
368
00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:09,842
He wasn't a hoagie,
he was a calzone.
369
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,544
(sighs)
370
00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:17,417
Amazing.
371
00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:17,985
What?
372
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:19,319
How can a kid
373
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:21,221
with such lousy taste
in pizza and movies
374
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,422
have such good taste in girls?
375
00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:25,892
She is kind of cute.
376
00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:26,926
Why don't you go talk to her?
377
00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:28,595
I don't know what to say.
378
00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:30,964
That's never stopped you from
running your mouth before.
379
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,334
What about her mom?
380
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,569
Just stick with the daughter
for now.
381
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:37,570
No, I mean...
382
00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,206
I know what you mean.
383
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,608
Tell you what,
I'll be your wingman.
384
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:44,177
I'll go over and engage
the mom in conversation.
385
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:45,979
Then after I've greased
the wheels,
386
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:47,180
I'll give you a signal,
387
00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,349
you saunter over
and work your magic.
388
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:50,317
Saunter?
389
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:51,918
Walk.
390
00:15:51,985 --> 00:15:53,253
Then just say walk.
391
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:55,055
You don't have to make up words.
392
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:59,326
Wait.
What signal?
393
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,361
I don't know,
I'll give you a thumbs up.
394
00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,330
That's not much of a signal.
395
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:06,766
How about I just wave my arms
and say, "Yo, dumb ass"?
396
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,336
Let's go with the thumb.
397
00:16:13,906 --> 00:16:16,476
Excuse me.
Yes?
398
00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:18,745
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry
to interrupt your dinner,
399
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,847
but I'm sitting over there
with my nephew...
Now?!
400
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:23,083
No, not now.
401
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:24,684
Dumb ass.
402
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:25,552
Now?!
403
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,820
No!
404
00:16:27,887 --> 00:16:31,524
Anyway, he's taken a little bit
of a shine to your daughter,
405
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,526
and it would mean
the world to him
406
00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,962
if he could come over
and meet her.
Oh.
407
00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:39,032
That's very sweet, and I don't
want to seem impolite,
408
00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:41,201
but this is
our one-on-one time.
409
00:16:41,268 --> 00:16:43,070
I understand,
and you should have that,
410
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:45,038
but we're only talking a couple
of minutes here.
411
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,839
Just enough time
to put a smile on
412
00:16:46,906 --> 00:16:48,308
a young boy's face.
Now?!
413
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:50,009
No!
414
00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:52,645
Look, I appreciate you
415
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:56,216
coming over,
but I think we'll pass.
416
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:59,586
Fine.
Sorry to bother you.
417
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:02,089
Real smooth.
418
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:07,026
Okay, you really gotta
help me out here.
419
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:09,196
Sir, I am having dinner
with my daughter.
420
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:10,897
And I am here with my nephew.
Let's face it.
421
00:17:10,963 --> 00:17:12,965
they'd rather be sitting
and talking to each other
422
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,235
than hanging out with a couple
of old farts like us.
423
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,270
What did you call me?
424
00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:19,672
No, no, no, not-not you, us.
425
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:21,040
I was being funny.
426
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:24,677
I don't think
you're funny at all.
427
00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:27,480
Well, clearly,
you don't know me.
428
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,881
I'm Charlie.
429
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:32,952
Yes, well, Charlie, I've asked
you to leave us alone.
430
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,421
I understand
and I will, but...
431
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,123
Honey,
get me a refill.
432
00:17:36,189 --> 00:17:38,091
Yo, dumb ass, go get a refill!
433
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:40,093
Now?!
Yes, now!
434
00:17:41,461 --> 00:17:44,063
My brother's kid,
not my own.
435
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:48,201
(yelling in pain)
436
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,069
I warned you.
437
00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:53,206
It's worse than the potpourri.
438
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:57,910
I see you like
the diet cola.
439
00:17:57,977 --> 00:18:01,548
If I may say so, you don't
need to watch your weight.
440
00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:05,518
* Men...
441
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,686
Here you go.
442
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:07,854
Clean and dry.
443
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:08,955
Thank you.
Thank you.
444
00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:10,190
Are you all right?
445
00:18:10,257 --> 00:18:12,359
Oh, yeah.
Little Alan's fine.
446
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,195
The twins got
the worst of it.
447
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:16,829
Good, good.
448
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:20,467
Listen, Donna, you were right.
449
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:23,636
This relationship
is over.
Over?
450
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,539
Well, what else is there to do
besides call it quits?
451
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,909
Well, I-I thought maybe we could
take it to the next level.
452
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:31,511
Next level?
453
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:35,182
What's beyond mind-numbing,
tedious and boring?
454
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:37,417
I'll tell you what's beyond it.
Death.
455
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,752
No, thank you,
I've already been married.
456
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:43,423
But, Alan...
I'm sorry, but it's just,
it's time we faced the truth.
457
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,058
I have no romantic feelings
for you anymore.
458
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,894
None?
459
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,229
None at all.
460
00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,764
Oh, oh...
461
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:54,867
Come on, Donna, crying
doesn't solve anything.
462
00:18:54,934 --> 00:18:57,304
But believe me,
it's better to end this now
463
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,871
while we're still friends.
464
00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,773
(crying)
465
00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:06,112
Good-bye, my friend.
466
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,281
Oh, just get out.
467
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,318
(clicking)
468
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,433
What are you doing?
469
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,934
Nothing.
470
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:33,105
Hi. You must be Alan.
Yes.
471
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:36,876
Forget it, Georgia,
it's not gonna happen.
472
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:44,817
What's not gonna happen?
473
00:19:44,884 --> 00:19:50,890
I thought I could spice up our
relationship with a three-way.
474
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:54,160
A... a three-way?
475
00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:58,798
But I didn't realize you had no
romantic feelings for me at all.
476
00:19:58,865 --> 00:19:59,932
(high-pitched sob)
477
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,734
Now hang on.
478
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:06,172
Um, I-I-I think you may have
misinterpreted my remarks.
479
00:20:06,239 --> 00:20:07,807
Oh, honey, I'm here
for you.
(crying)
480
00:20:07,874 --> 00:20:11,344
Now, see, you really need to be
more clear about what you meant
481
00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:12,945
by taking it to the next level.
482
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:15,915
See, I-I-I'm
fine with this.
483
00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:17,216
This could help.
484
00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,185
Oh, go to hell.
485
00:20:19,252 --> 00:20:20,787
(door slamming)
486
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:27,994
(sobbing)
487
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,365
* Men...
488
00:20:44,544 --> 00:20:46,679
So was the friend good-looking?
489
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:49,816
Spectacular.
490
00:20:49,882 --> 00:20:51,017
Wow.
491
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,552
Sounds like you blew
492
00:20:52,619 --> 00:20:54,053
what could've been
the best night of your life.
493
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,488
The best night?
494
00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:58,291
No, no, that... that was
the night Jake was born.
495
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:01,861
You have a three-way
the night Jake was born?
496
00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:04,831
Okay, I blew
the best night of my life.
497
00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:07,967
Now, don't worry, you'll get
another opportunity someday.
498
00:21:08,034 --> 00:21:09,302
How do you figure?
499
00:21:09,369 --> 00:21:11,304
Well, you may have
to wait a few decades,
500
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:13,606
but I hear the ratio
of gals to geezers
501
00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:16,943
in those senior living
facilities is two to one.
502
00:21:17,009 --> 00:21:19,479
And imagine the progress
they'll have made
503
00:21:19,546 --> 00:21:21,781
in boner pills
by that time.
504
00:21:23,383 --> 00:21:25,818
Are you staring at me?
505
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:34,961
'Cause it feels like
you're staring at me.
34922
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