Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:05,439
(panting)
2
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:16,550
Oh, yeah.
I am a finely tuned machine.
3
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,454
(French accent):
Bonjour!
4
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,390
Oh, hello.
5
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:24,125
Are you a friend of Charlie's?
6
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,827
I'm his brother... so no.
7
00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:29,830
I am Gabrielle.
8
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,099
Oh, nice to meet you.
9
00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:32,966
I'm Alan.
10
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,804
Or as you would say "Elan."
11
00:00:36,870 --> 00:00:38,872
Why would I say that?
12
00:00:38,939 --> 00:00:39,973
No reason.
13
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,375
I'm a little dehydrated.
14
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:44,912
So, you are a "see-klist."
15
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:45,813
A what?
16
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,715
A see-klist?
17
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,517
You know with
your "bee-see-kel."
18
00:00:49,583 --> 00:00:51,685
Oh, yes, yes--
19
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:56,257
I'm very passionate
about... bee-seek-ling.
20
00:00:57,358 --> 00:01:01,595
I even have a stationary
"see-kel."
21
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,697
Ah.
22
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:08,102
I also jog and ab crunch
and of course...
23
00:01:08,169 --> 00:01:11,672
"Les Buns of Steel."
24
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:13,941
Tres bien.
25
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,943
Au revoir.
26
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,578
Au revoir.
27
00:01:17,645 --> 00:01:19,280
(erotic growl)
28
00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:23,217
Nice, huh?
29
00:01:23,284 --> 00:01:25,819
Nice? She's magnificent.
30
00:01:25,886 --> 00:01:27,155
You should see her naked.
31
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:29,590
Can I?
32
00:01:29,657 --> 00:01:31,692
Well, I could show you
some pictures,
33
00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:34,328
but you may not want to see
that much of me.
34
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:39,667
Just out of curiosity, where
do you find women like that?
35
00:01:39,733 --> 00:01:43,404
And more importantly, how do you
get them to go to bed with you?
36
00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:45,038
You really want to know?
37
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,441
Yeah, what's your secret?
38
00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:52,880
Well, you see, Alan,
it's like this.
39
00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,817
I got a knack.
40
00:01:58,486 --> 00:01:59,753
That's not a secret.
41
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,690
I didn't think so,
but you asked.
42
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:04,958
So that's it?
You've got a knack?
43
00:02:05,025 --> 00:02:07,328
Hey, everybody's
good at something.
44
00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:09,263
You, for instance...
45
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,034
...have no shame.
46
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:18,739
Excuse me, this is what they
wear in the Tour de France.
47
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:22,710
Alan, I just took
a Tour de France...
48
00:02:25,213 --> 00:02:26,247
...and the only thing
I was wearing
49
00:02:26,314 --> 00:02:28,882
was a smile and a condom.
50
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:39,360
(doorbell rings)
51
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:42,396
Hi, Judith.
Hey, buddy.
52
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,464
Hey.
53
00:02:43,531 --> 00:02:44,832
What's the matter with him?
54
00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:47,134
His little girlfriend
broke up with him.
55
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,336
Oh, no.
56
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,471
Yeah, I was hoping
you could talk to him,
57
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,674
'cause let's face it, who knows
more about getting dumped?
58
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,245
You don't have to
flatter me, Judith.
59
00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:58,846
I'll talk to him.
60
00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,814
I'm sorry, that didn't
come out the way I meant it.
61
00:03:00,881 --> 00:03:02,283
Really? How did you mean it?
62
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:05,519
Oh, couldn't you just
take the "I'm sorry"?
63
00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:09,790
Couldn't you have just...
loved me?
64
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:14,295
Did I hear numbnuts come in?
65
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:15,729
"Numbnuts"?
66
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,531
Sorry, numbnuts junior.
67
00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:20,834
If you mean my son,
yes, he's here.
68
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:22,370
Aw, crap.
69
00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:26,206
What are you doing?
70
00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:28,108
Hiding my cookies.
71
00:03:28,175 --> 00:03:29,343
Why?
72
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,978
Because I just bought a new bag
73
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,613
and I don't want that
knucklehead to eat 'em all.
74
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,848
Oh, Charlie, you hide
your cookies
75
00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:36,917
from a little boy who loves you?
76
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:39,052
Little boy, my ass.
77
00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:40,288
He's a bottomless pit,
78
00:03:40,354 --> 00:03:41,722
and I'm tired of
going for a snack
79
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,791
and having to lick
cookie dust out of the bag.
80
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,560
You might want to take
it easy on him today.
81
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,128
He's going through
a bad breakup.
82
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:50,230
Aw, really?
Yeah.
83
00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,911
Nope, my cookies.
84
00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:09,683
* Men...
85
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:14,054
So, uh... how was
school this week?
86
00:04:14,121 --> 00:04:16,156
Okay.
87
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,191
Anything noteworthy happen?
88
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,393
No.
89
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:22,029
I thought you said
he got dumped.
90
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,172
I was easing into it.
91
00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:33,106
Oh, good idea.
92
00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,508
Go ahead.
93
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:38,379
Jake, sooner or later,
every guy gets dumped.
94
00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:40,414
Some guys get dumped
95
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:41,849
sooner and later,
right, Alan?
96
00:04:43,417 --> 00:04:46,320
Sorry, I should've
eased into that.
97
00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,723
My point is you've got nothing
to be embarrassed about.
98
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:50,958
I'm not embarrassed.
I'm angry.
99
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,060
She didn't even tell me why.
100
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:56,063
She just sent me an e-mail
saying she doesn't want to
go out with me anymore.
101
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,432
Maybe she found somebody better.
102
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,901
What do you mean better?
Who's better than Jake?
103
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,806
(stiffly):
Why, no one, Alan.
104
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:10,143
He's the pinnacle
of male evolution.
105
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,346
Thank you.
106
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,949
Look, buddy, I know
exactly how you feel.
107
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,652
When I was your age, I was
dating a beautiful girl--
108
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:20,253
Charity Kirschenbaum.
109
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:23,156
I was crazy
about her.
110
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:26,059
Then, the night before junior
prom, she called and dumped me.
111
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,461
Wouldn't even give me a reason.
112
00:05:27,528 --> 00:05:28,462
I was devastated.
113
00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:29,863
So what'd you do?
114
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:30,731
What could I do?
115
00:05:30,798 --> 00:05:32,833
How can you mend
a broken heart?
116
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:37,371
(falsetto):
* How can you stop the rain
from falling down? *
117
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,542
You done?
118
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:44,612
Unless you want
to hear "Jive Talkin'."
119
00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:51,619
The thing is, Jake, that no
matter how bad you feel now,
120
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:53,521
eventually, it'll pass.
121
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,789
You just have to be willing
to live with the pain.
122
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:56,724
No, he doesn't.
123
00:05:56,790 --> 00:05:58,258
Yes, he does.
Hang on, Dad.
124
00:05:58,325 --> 00:05:59,960
What do you mean, no, I don't?
125
00:06:00,027 --> 00:06:02,530
When you get dumped,
you don't sit around
126
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,231
feeling sorry for yourself.
127
00:06:04,297 --> 00:06:05,466
You go out
and find another girl.
128
00:06:05,533 --> 00:06:06,700
A better girl.
129
00:06:06,767 --> 00:06:09,603
Okay, but how am I gonna
get another girl?
130
00:06:09,670 --> 00:06:11,672
I don't know how
I got this one.
131
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,641
You don't know how
you got a girlfriend?
132
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,375
No. It just kind of happened.
133
00:06:15,443 --> 00:06:16,710
Yeah, I know how that goes.
134
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,147
You wake up in the morning
and there she is.
135
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,782
Shut up.
I know that was wrong.
136
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:26,386
Look, Jake, who is the
cutest girl in your class?
137
00:06:26,454 --> 00:06:27,755
Nicole O'Malley.
138
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:30,758
Okay, call Nicole O'Malley
and ask her out.
139
00:06:30,824 --> 00:06:32,092
Are you drunk?
140
00:06:32,159 --> 00:06:35,162
A little.
141
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,497
(sighs)
142
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:39,032
But... this is a secret
that will serve you
143
00:06:39,099 --> 00:06:40,968
for the rest of your life.
144
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:43,737
The hotter the girl,
the lonelier she is,
145
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:46,273
because most guys are
too scared to talk to her.
146
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:47,941
Really?!
Really?!
147
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,276
Trust me.
148
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:52,746
Wow.
Wow.
149
00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:55,516
Why couldn't you have said
this 20 years ago?
150
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,519
Come on, Dad, I wasn't even
born 20 years ago.
151
00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,488
I really shouldn't be
giving him advice
152
00:07:00,554 --> 00:07:02,956
that could help him
reproduce, should I?
153
00:07:06,093 --> 00:07:07,895
* Men.
154
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:16,036
(groans)
155
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,074
Oh, it's just you.
156
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,543
Hey.
157
00:07:24,712 --> 00:07:26,413
What are you doing?
158
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:29,049
I'm drinking some of
your finest scotch
159
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:32,419
and looking at my
high school yearbook.
160
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:35,255
Charity Kirschenbaum.
161
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:36,957
I can't help wondering
162
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:39,993
how my life would've turned
out if she hadn't dumped me.
163
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:43,096
Come on, your life
turned out great.
164
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:48,201
Well, it wouldn't have
turned out any better.
165
00:07:48,268 --> 00:07:49,870
You know what?
166
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:54,407
I'm gonna call her and find
out why she broke my heart.
167
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:55,976
Good thinking.
168
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:58,612
Call your high school girlfriend
drunk at 2:00 in the morning.
169
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:01,982
While you're at it, why don't
you expose yourself to an
undercover policewoman?
170
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:06,019
Some people do that.
171
00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:07,755
I need closure.
172
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,123
I need to understand
why she dumped me.
173
00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:13,126
What's to understand?
174
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:18,532
This is her?
Mm-hmm.
175
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:20,801
This is you.
176
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,737
Peaches and cream complexion.
177
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,007
You.
178
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,410
Cheerleader.
179
00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:31,812
You.
180
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,415
Stop me anytime.
181
00:08:35,482 --> 00:08:36,917
I don't care.
182
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:39,086
I got number off the
Internet and I'm calling her.
183
00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,954
Oh, man.
184
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,024
When're they gonna invent a
phone with a breathalyzer lock?
185
00:08:44,091 --> 00:08:46,393
Shh, it's ringing.
186
00:08:46,459 --> 00:08:48,261
Hello?
187
00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,397
Hello, is this Charity?
188
00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:53,100
(slurred):
Hi, Charity.
189
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,534
This is Alan Harper.
190
00:08:54,602 --> 00:08:58,071
Yeah, yeah, from
high school.
191
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:59,640
Anyway...
192
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:03,376
Yeah, I know it's late.
193
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:05,746
Yeah, I know I'm drunk.
194
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:08,015
Listen, I just need to
ask you one question.
195
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:12,019
Why did you dump me on the
night before the junior prom?
196
00:09:13,654 --> 00:09:16,056
Uh-huh.
197
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:19,359
Okay, okay.
198
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:20,193
Okay, thanks.
199
00:09:20,260 --> 00:09:21,795
Go back to sleep.
200
00:09:23,631 --> 00:09:28,501
She said to ask
my brother Char...
201
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:31,071
(door closing)
202
00:09:31,138 --> 00:09:33,774
...arlie.
203
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:36,076
(car engine starting)
204
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:41,581
(car driving away)
205
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,584
Oh, that's why.
206
00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,787
* Men.
207
00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:57,030
Morning.
208
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,700
Morning.
209
00:10:02,069 --> 00:10:03,837
You found the stash, huh?
210
00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,438
Wasn't well hidden.
211
00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:08,241
Okay, just for the record,
that stuff's medicinal.
212
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:09,777
I've got glaucoma.
213
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:12,279
What are you talking about?
214
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,947
Nothing.
215
00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:18,652
Morning.
216
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:19,987
Morning.
217
00:10:20,053 --> 00:10:22,622
So where'd you disappear
to last night?
218
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,591
Me? I decided to take
a little drive,
219
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:28,461
give you a chance to calm down
about Charity Kirschenbaum.
220
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:30,831
I'm perfectly calm.
Good.
221
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:32,365
Who's Charity Kirschenbaum?
222
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:35,836
It's just a little thing
223
00:10:35,903 --> 00:10:37,270
that's not worth
getting upset about and...
224
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,639
Hey! What the hell are you
doing with my cookies?!
225
00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:41,241
They're yours?
226
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,475
You know they're mine.
227
00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:44,978
So you're saying
I took something
228
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:47,547
that belonged to you
and you're upset?
229
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,382
Aw.
230
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:54,521
Oh, come on, Alan.
231
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:56,790
I loved Charity Kirschenbaum
232
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,658
and you stole her
right out from under me!
233
00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:01,594
He's speaking
metaphorically, right?
234
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,264
Yeah, he was never
on top of that.
235
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:07,868
I would've been,
if it weren't for you.
236
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:11,304
Okay fine, I took
your girl 20 years ago.
237
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,974
That calls for maybe
five, six cookies, tops.
238
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,475
Not the whole damn bag.
239
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:18,211
I had to go to junior prom
with Cousin Phoebe!
240
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,980
She was cute.
241
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,882
She was 12 and in a body cast!
242
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:24,117
So what?
She was your cousin.
243
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,754
She could have been 18
and in a cellophane bikini,
244
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,722
and you weren't gonna get any.
245
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:33,126
You are a horrible human being
and I hope you burn in hell!
246
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:35,495
So we're good?
247
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:36,529
No!
248
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,498
We are not good!
249
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,433
We suck!
250
00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,069
(door slams)
251
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,337
Freshen that
up for you?
252
00:11:44,404 --> 00:11:45,939
Thanks.
253
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:49,509
ALAN:
You betrayed me!
254
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:53,013
I hate you!
255
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:57,150
I hate you, I hate you,
256
00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:00,788
I hate you!!
257
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:04,024
Sounds like he's going
for a bike ride.
258
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:07,895
* Men.
259
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,330
Hello, Nicole O'Malley?
260
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:11,999
Jake Harper here.
261
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,066
Harper.
262
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:15,836
I sit next to you
in geometry class.
263
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:17,771
No, the other side.
264
00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:19,339
Yeah, with the big head.
265
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:25,378
I was wondering if you would go
to the winter dance with me.
266
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:26,379
Really?
267
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:28,715
Are you sure?
268
00:12:28,782 --> 00:12:30,017
Well, great.
269
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:31,618
I guess I'll see you in school.
270
00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,020
Bye.
271
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:34,888
Uncle Charlie's a genius.
272
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,891
In a sense.
273
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,093
But there's book smart
and nook smart.
274
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:43,931
(knocking on door)
275
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,365
ALAN:
Would you get
that, Berta?!
276
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:46,599
What?!
277
00:12:46,666 --> 00:12:47,835
The door!
278
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,170
I can't hear you!
279
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:51,704
I said, would you
get the door?
280
00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,941
I can't! I'm upstairs!
281
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:00,447
Hi, Judith.
282
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:01,815
Jake, your mom's here!
283
00:13:01,882 --> 00:13:03,383
Did you talk to him?
284
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,284
I did.
285
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,152
Hey, Mom.
286
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:06,419
Hey, honey, how's it going?
287
00:13:06,486 --> 00:13:08,889
Great.
Uncle Charlie's a genius.
288
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,790
Good, good.
289
00:13:10,858 --> 00:13:12,993
You said you talked to him.
I did.
290
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:14,627
Then why is
Uncle Charlie a genius?
291
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:16,229
'Cause he never got married.
292
00:13:19,732 --> 00:13:23,871
Oh, that's gonna come back
to bite me in the ass.
293
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:25,873
(knocking on door)
294
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:28,408
And here it comes,
jaws a-snappin'.
295
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,112
All right, I'm sorry!
296
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,049
Why are you sorry?
297
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:39,552
I just find it's
easier that way.
298
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:40,921
Okay.
299
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,455
Is Charlie at home?
300
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:45,158
Oh, no, he, uh, he went out
a couple of hours ago.
301
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,327
Oh. I've been trying
to call him on his cell
302
00:13:47,394 --> 00:13:48,996
but he doesn't answer.
303
00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,597
Well, please tell
him I stopped by.
304
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,199
Sure, sure thing.
305
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,135
Gabrielle?
306
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:55,768
Oui?
307
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:56,970
Um...
308
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,771
forgive me if
I'm out of line,
309
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,976
but... I... sense a...
310
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:04,311
loneliness inside you.
311
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,915
Is it so obvious?
312
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,883
I'm right?
313
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:12,920
Oh, yes, but how could you know?
314
00:14:12,986 --> 00:14:15,255
We're two of a kind.
315
00:14:15,322 --> 00:14:21,594
I myself have tasted the
saltiness of lonely tears.
316
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,496
Oh, pauvre petit.
317
00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,898
We have much to share.
318
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,900
We do indeed. Come on in.
319
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:31,004
First his cookies,
now his croissant.
320
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,207
* Men.
321
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:37,010
Well, in my experience,
322
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:39,947
I've found that the more
beautiful the woman is,
323
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:41,148
the lonelier she is.
324
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:43,116
Oh, that's very true.
325
00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:45,018
How do you know
so much about women?
326
00:14:45,085 --> 00:14:46,819
What can I say?
327
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,055
I have a knack.
328
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:51,724
Hey.
329
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,860
Oh, hello, Charlie.
330
00:14:53,927 --> 00:14:55,795
Gee, how
embarrassing.
331
00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,497
What are you talking about?
332
00:14:57,564 --> 00:15:00,067
Oh, dear.
This is so difficult.
333
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:01,001
No, it's not. Go ahead.
334
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,335
Tell him, tell him.
335
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:05,505
Charlie, you are wonderful man,
336
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:09,109
but your brother,
he really understands me.
337
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,544
So, what are you saying?
338
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:14,181
It's just...
339
00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:16,783
I...
340
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,118
I can't.
341
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,386
I can-- she's
dumping you for me.
342
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:21,121
Ha-ha.
343
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:22,522
This is so awkward.
344
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,024
I must go.
345
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:27,060
Please... forgive me.
346
00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:34,034
Huh, huh?
How does it feel?
347
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:35,969
I'm stunned.
348
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,170
Good, good. What else?
349
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:38,972
You snaked my girlfriend?
350
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:41,174
Yes I did. I snaked her.
Like a cobra.
351
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:45,645
And you did it just to hurt me?
352
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:48,081
Well, not just to hurt you.
353
00:15:48,148 --> 00:15:50,250
Well, yeah--
just to hurt you.
354
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,685
I don't know what to say.
355
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,521
I'm crushed.
356
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:55,822
That's good. Say that.
357
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:57,724
"I'm crushed."
358
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:02,062
My own brother purposefully
set out to hurt me.
359
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,364
(laughing):
Oh, no. Oh, no.
360
00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:06,033
You're not taking
this away from me.
361
00:16:06,099 --> 00:16:08,101
What about you and
Charity Kirschenbaum?
362
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,003
I was 17, Alan.
363
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:11,171
I was a horny idiot.
364
00:16:11,238 --> 00:16:13,406
But you, you're an adult.
365
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:16,909
Okay, I see where you're going,
and it's not gonna work.
366
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:19,112
You're not taking
this away form me.
367
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:20,913
I really thought our
relationship had grown
368
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,150
beyond this petty crap.
369
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,218
I thought I could
count on you.
370
00:16:25,285 --> 00:16:27,320
I thoughf you were my friend.
371
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:33,560
Son of a bitch,
he took it away from me.
372
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:37,597
* Men.
373
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:44,337
(playing "How Can You Mend
a Broken Heart?")
374
00:16:46,139 --> 00:16:48,408
Oh, hey, you're here.
375
00:16:48,475 --> 00:16:50,743
Where am I gonna go, Alan?
376
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,214
You took my girl.
377
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,049
And-And I feel awful about that.
378
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:58,918
It doesn't matter.
379
00:16:58,985 --> 00:16:59,919
It does matter.
380
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,221
I made a terrible mistake.
381
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:04,191
I did the worst thing
I could possibly do.
382
00:17:04,257 --> 00:17:07,260
I lowered myself to your level.
383
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:09,562
You know what I mean.
384
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,098
I-I-I love you.
You're my brother.
385
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:12,665
I-I wouldn't hurt you
for the world.
386
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,934
Actions speak louder
than words, Alan.
387
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,636
You're right. Okay.
388
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:17,970
Here's an action.
389
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,707
* Ta-dah!
390
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,176
You bought me
a bag of cookies.
391
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:27,214
Sure, that should make up
for stealing Gabrielle.
392
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:32,185
How about three bags?
393
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:34,187
And I'm breaking
it off with her.
394
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,188
You can have her back.
395
00:17:35,255 --> 00:17:37,657
Have her back?
396
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:38,991
What is wrong with you?
397
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,593
She's not a lawnmower
you borrowed.
398
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:45,765
You can't just hose off
the blades and give her back.
399
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,167
But...
400
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:49,102
But I-I...
But nothing.
401
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,704
She dumped me because
she likes you better.
402
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,106
So, what are you going
to say to her, Alan?
403
00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:57,277
"I was just using
you to punish Charlie
404
00:17:57,344 --> 00:18:00,447
I probably wouldn't
use those words.
405
00:18:00,513 --> 00:18:02,215
You can't ease
your conscience
406
00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,617
about hurting me
by hurting her.
407
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,620
So, you're saying you want
me to keep seeing her?
408
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,823
I'm saying I want you
to do the right thing.
409
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:12,125
Then you'll forgive me?
410
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,327
Yes. Then I'll forgive you.
411
00:18:16,263 --> 00:18:19,532
Well... okay.
412
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,534
For you...
413
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:24,571
I'll keep seeing
the gorgeous woman.
414
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:26,906
Thank you.
415
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:28,708
You're welcome.
416
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,580
Yay.
417
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,416
Okay, so what's the catch?
418
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:38,151
Catch?
419
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:40,220
I don't know what
you're talking about.
420
00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:43,890
* Men.
421
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,091
So, are you sure
422
00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:46,726
everything's
okay with Charlie?
423
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,228
Oh, everything's great with
Charlie; Charlie's fine.
424
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:49,496
Forget Charlie.
425
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,699
Come couchez avec moi
ce soir.
426
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:54,167
Pardon?
427
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,269
You know, like the song,
428
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:57,304
"Voulez-Vouz Coucher
429
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:59,239
Avec Moi ce..."
430
00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,508
Sacre bleu.
431
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:11,851
Okay.
432
00:19:11,918 --> 00:19:13,220
I'm ready.
433
00:19:15,622 --> 00:19:16,489
Excuse me?
434
00:19:16,556 --> 00:19:19,192
Go ahead.
Get it over with.
435
00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:22,529
Uh... I'm, I'm not
sure I follow.
436
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:24,063
Do what you have to do.
437
00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:26,566
Just... hurry.
438
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:30,203
But... don't you want to
start with some kissing
439
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:32,839
and, you know, foreplay?
440
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,073
No.
441
00:19:34,140 --> 00:19:35,342
Thank you.
442
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:37,610
How about a smile?
443
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,218
Better?
444
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:47,454
Actually, worse.
445
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:50,757
Could you...
close your eyes again?
446
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:04,471
Where are you going?
447
00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,072
Uh, I have to brush my teeth.
448
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:07,607
The bathroom's that way.
449
00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:09,976
Yeah, but my toothbrush
is at home. Bye-bye.
450
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,978
* Men.
451
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,682
(door closes)
452
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:20,953
Hey.
453
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,289
Hey.
454
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:25,091
How'd it go with Gabrielle?
455
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,926
I think you know
how it went.
456
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:29,228
Yeah, I do.
457
00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:33,099
It's kinda like
necrophilia, isn't it?
458
00:20:33,165 --> 00:20:34,166
I didn't go through with it.
459
00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:35,635
Really?
460
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:37,504
Guess we're different that way.
461
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:41,941
So...
462
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:44,744
I didn't really steal
her from you, did I?
463
00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,245
Nope.
464
00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:48,715
You were trying to get rid of
her the whole time, weren't you?
465
00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:51,318
Yep. But I didn't want
to hurt her feelings.
466
00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:53,953
Thanks for helping me
out with that.
467
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:58,458
Well, at least now
we're even, right?
468
00:20:59,392 --> 00:21:00,693
Not quite.
469
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:02,495
What do you mean?
WOMAN:
Charlie.
470
00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:04,997
Are you coming
back to bed?
471
00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:06,032
Charity?
472
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,834
Charity
Kirschenbaum?
473
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:10,136
Oh, hi, Alan.
Long time no see.
474
00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:13,005
Yeah. 20 years.
475
00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:14,907
She looks great,
doesn't she?
476
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:16,175
Come on, baby.
477
00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:17,243
But, but, but...
478
00:21:17,310 --> 00:21:20,046
Now we're even.
479
00:21:25,885 --> 00:21:31,123
ALAN (echoing from distance):
I... hate... you!
480
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:33,760
* Men.
31513
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof