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1
00:00:01,635 --> 00:00:04,138
* Men
2
00:00:06,040 --> 00:00:07,441
Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up!
3
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,444
I'm sorry, Mom. I love you!
4
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:11,479
What?
5
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:12,813
What?
6
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,149
There's something you gotta see.
7
00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:19,253
It has to be better
than my dream.
8
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,889
Wake up! Wake up!
Wake up!
9
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,592
It's Dad's magazine!
10
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:25,359
What?
11
00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:26,427
What?
12
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,729
There's something you gotta see.
13
00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:33,801
I was already seeing everything
I needed to see.
14
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,036
What's going on?
15
00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:38,606
You remember I recorded those
kids' songs a few months ago?
16
00:00:38,672 --> 00:00:40,108
Yeah. They sucked.
17
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:41,909
Of course they sucked.
18
00:00:41,975 --> 00:00:43,244
They're kids' songs.
19
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,346
Anyway, the CD
is coming out,
20
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:46,947
and the first commercial
is about to air.
21
00:00:47,014 --> 00:00:48,282
At 5:00 in the morning?
22
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:50,684
That's when moms
with little kids are up.
23
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,753
Oh, Becker is over.
I'm up next.
24
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:54,388
ANNOUNCER:
Who loves kids?
25
00:00:54,455 --> 00:00:56,957
KIDS:
Charlie Waffles!
26
00:00:57,024 --> 00:00:59,660
* Who cut the cheese?
(raspberry)
27
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,729
* Who cut the cheese?
(raspberry)
28
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:04,865
* I ask you please, did you cut
the cheese? * (raspberry)
29
00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:07,668
That's right. Charlie Waffles!
30
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:10,971
And now you can get
his greatest hits on one CD.
31
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,840
Charlie Waffles?
32
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:13,874
My idea.
33
00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,509
Kids love waffles.
34
00:01:15,576 --> 00:01:17,178
That's true.
35
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:19,547
Yes, you'll get
all the melodies
36
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,250
that made Charlie Waffles
the king of kids' songs:
37
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:24,485
"Kiss My Owie,"
"Rush to Flush"
38
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:27,655
and, of course,
"Don't Shake the Baby."
39
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:30,624
* He's a little boy,
he is not a toy *
40
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:34,595
* Don't shake, shake,
shake the baby *
41
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,731
* She's our little girl,
our darling girl *
42
00:01:37,798 --> 00:01:41,735
* Don't shake, shake,
shake the baby. *
43
00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:45,339
When did you become
the king of kids' songs?
44
00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:47,908
When did you become
the Federal Trade Commission?
45
00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:52,146
* Grandma may smell funny,
but hug her anyway *
46
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:55,783
* Accept her stinky kisses,
and then go out and play *
47
00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:59,753
* But she's got all the money,
so you might just want to stay *
48
00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:02,790
* Oh, Grandma my smell funny,
but hug her anyway. *
49
00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:03,924
But wait, there's more!
50
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,926
With this special TV offer,
51
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:07,295
you'll also receive this
52
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,697
never-before-released
bonus track!
53
00:02:09,763 --> 00:02:13,534
* I drink from a sippy cup,
sippy cup, sippy cup *
54
00:02:13,601 --> 00:02:17,238
* I drink from a sippy cup
'cause I'm a big kid now *
55
00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:20,674
* Bye-bye, boobies,
bye-bye, boobies *
56
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:24,378
* Bye-bye, boobies,
'cause I'm a big kid now. *
57
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:26,714
Call now,
and you'll also receive
58
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,750
a bonus Charlie Waffles
scratch-'n'-sniff poster.
59
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,686
It smells
just like maple syrup!
60
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,922
What, they couldn't make it
smell like bourbon?
61
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,690
Operators are standing by.
62
00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,627
Give your child
the gift of music.
63
00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:40,961
Who loves kids?
64
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,763
KIDS:
Charlie Waffles!
65
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,598
Right!
66
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,834
That's it.
67
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:48,236
What do you think?
68
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,772
I'm going back to bed.
69
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,342
What about you?
70
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:57,445
You couldn't have TiVo'd this?
71
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,713
Hey, Charlie Waffles
may love kids,
72
00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:03,984
but he's getting
pretty sick of you!
73
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:06,620
Oh, boy. Dharma and Greg.
74
00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:13,427
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
75
00:03:13,494 --> 00:03:16,797
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
76
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,767
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
77
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,869
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
78
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:36,917
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men... *
79
00:03:38,652 --> 00:03:40,220
why you wanted to come
shopping with me.
80
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:41,422
I told you.
81
00:03:41,489 --> 00:03:42,656
I've gotta pick up
something.
82
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:44,458
You could've just
put it to the list.
83
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,860
Hey, maybe I just want to
hang out with my brother.
84
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,529
Really?
Oh, well, that's, uh,
85
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,698
that's a very nice...
Get away. Get away. Get away.
86
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,836
Of course.
87
00:04:04,412 --> 00:04:05,746
Excuse me.
88
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:08,115
Do you know where the
chewable vitamins are?
89
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:11,752
Oh, I think they're...
90
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,287
Oh, my God, you're him.
91
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:14,455
I'm sorry?
92
00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:15,956
You're Charlie Waffles, right?
93
00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:18,091
You caught me.
94
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,328
My daughter just
loves your songs.
95
00:04:20,394 --> 00:04:22,596
Oh, gee, you don't know
how that fills my heart.
96
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:27,200
There's about to be a vomit
spill on aisle three.
97
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,869
How old is your little girl?
98
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,538
Five.
No way.
99
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,640
What, did you have her
when you were 12?
100
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:34,642
Oh, you're sweet.
I know.
101
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,009
Hey, she's not going
to believe I met you.
102
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:37,378
Can I take a picture of you?
103
00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:39,613
Better still, let's
take one together.
104
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:40,748
Oh, okay.
105
00:04:40,814 --> 00:04:42,850
Excuse me, sir.
Would you take our picture?
106
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,187
Sir?
107
00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:49,457
Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.
108
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,495
Say Waffles.
109
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:55,996
Waffles!
Waffles!
110
00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:58,298
Thanks, pal.
111
00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,500
Thank you.
112
00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:00,934
And don't let
your husband see that.
113
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:04,372
He might get the wrong idea
about Charlie Waffles.
114
00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,173
Oh, there is no husband.
115
00:05:06,239 --> 00:05:07,341
No kidding.
116
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,743
(quietly):
Oh, my God.
117
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,212
Jodie is going to love this.
118
00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:13,647
I'm going to save it
for her birthday.
119
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:15,449
Her birthday's
coming up?
120
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:16,550
This weekend she'll be six.
121
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:18,586
Oh, what a magical age.
122
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,120
Mm-hmm.
Tell you what,
123
00:05:20,187 --> 00:05:22,189
how would Jodie like a free
124
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,257
Charlie Waffles
birthday concert?
125
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,026
You would do that?
126
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,828
Who loves kids?
127
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,963
Charlie Waffles.
128
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:31,899
Right.
129
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:33,801
Call me.
130
00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:36,504
Oh, look, it's got
a little waffle on it.
131
00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:38,105
How adorable.
132
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:43,844
Told you I had to
pick something up.
133
00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:46,714
* Men. *
134
00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:50,117
* Grandma may smell funny,
but hug her anyway *
135
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:54,021
* Accept her stinky kisses,
and then go out and play *
136
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:57,625
* But she's got all the money,
so you might just want to stay *
137
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:02,362
* Oh, Grandma may smell funny,
but hug her anyway *
138
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,064
* Hug her anyway
139
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,799
* She's old, hug her anyway
140
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:07,735
* She stinks, hug her anyway
141
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,202
* She's rich,
hug her anyway... *
142
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,404
Pretty catchy, huh?
143
00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:13,474
So is gonorrhea.
144
00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,909
Drinking from the well
of bitterness, are we?
145
00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,812
I just don't understand
what kind of spiteful god
146
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,682
could allow my drunken
whoremonger of a brother
147
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,484
to become a children's
singing star
148
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:26,720
while I to toil away
in poverty-stricken anonymity?
149
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,656
You want to talk to me
about toiling away
150
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:30,924
in poverty-stricken anonymity?
151
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,192
No.
152
00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:33,594
Sorry.
153
00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:35,596
I'm sure you've got it
worse than I do.
154
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:38,766
Whoa, whoa,
I wouldn't go that far.
155
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,301
What I'm trying to say
156
00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:42,736
is there's another way
to look at this.
157
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:43,604
What's that?
158
00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:45,639
We're all in this together.
159
00:06:45,706 --> 00:06:48,108
Your brother's success
is our success.
160
00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,443
His home is our home.
161
00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:50,811
And most importantly,
162
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,447
when he's got a load on,
his car is my car.
163
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,552
Hey, Berta, guess what?
164
00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,721
I got another big royalty check.
165
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,956
Oh, honey, good for you.
166
00:07:03,023 --> 00:07:05,192
Why don't you celebrate
with a drink?
167
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,059
I think I will.
168
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,997
Hey, Alan, guess what?
169
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,465
Yeah, I heard.
170
00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:12,666
Another big check.
171
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:15,335
(listlessly):
Yay.
172
00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:18,371
You know what's a great place
to pick up single moms?
173
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,040
The parking lot
of Chuck E. Cheese.
174
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:21,542
You didn't.
175
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,010
And not just moms.
176
00:07:23,076 --> 00:07:28,148
Nannies, aunts, and a couple
of very doable grandmas.
177
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,118
Do you have any shame?
178
00:07:31,184 --> 00:07:34,187
No. Why?
179
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:37,257
(phone rings)
180
00:07:37,324 --> 00:07:39,126
Hello?
181
00:07:39,192 --> 00:07:41,228
Hang on.
182
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,832
Who loves kids?
183
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:47,400
Oh, hey, Artie,
just got the check. Thanks.
184
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,169
What's up?
185
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:50,971
Sure, I'll sign some CDs.
186
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,606
Where?
187
00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,842
They got bookstores
just for kids?
188
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,009
Who knew?
189
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,679
Everyone but you.
190
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,047
Okay, I'll be there.
191
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,314
Thanks a lot.
192
00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:02,616
Hey, Alan, guess what?
193
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:03,584
There's no god.
194
00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:05,553
Oh, on the contrary,
195
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:08,789
there is a god
and he love me long time.
196
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:17,197
* Who barfed in the fishbowl,
who could it be? *
197
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,999
* Who barfed in the fishbowl?
198
00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:20,668
* Oh, wait, it's me
Everybody.
199
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:23,170
KIDS (singing along):
* Fish food, fish food
200
00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:25,606
* I made some fish food
201
00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:29,009
* Fish food, fish food,
Mommy come and see. *
202
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:34,414
* Men. *
203
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:38,451
"Love, Charlie Waffles."
204
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,820
Here you go, Dakota.
205
00:08:39,887 --> 00:08:41,354
What do we say to Mr. Waffles?
206
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,456
Thank you, Mr. Waffles.
207
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,158
No, thank you, sweetheart.
208
00:08:45,225 --> 00:08:46,459
And thank you, Mommy.
209
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,630
So tell me,
is there a Mrs. Waffles?
210
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:50,798
Sadly, no.
211
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:53,867
Well, maybe this
will cheer you up.
212
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:57,237
Come on, honey.
213
00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,807
Oh, it do indeed.
214
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,274
The guy's a phenomenon.
215
00:09:01,341 --> 00:09:03,376
The label's already moved
a hundred thousand units
216
00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,745
in less than two weeks.
217
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:08,315
The Wiggles can kiss
my pasty, white tushie.
218
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,350
I'm sorry.
Who are you?
219
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,052
I'm Artie Pliskin,
220
00:09:12,119 --> 00:09:14,087
President and CEO
of Fluffy Bunny Records.
221
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,255
And you are?
222
00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,990
Oh. Alan, Charlie's brother.
223
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,159
Oh, you're the sponge.
Pleasure.
224
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,330
Same here.
225
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:26,700
Do you believe
in God, Artie?
226
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,001
I'll tell you
what I believe in.
227
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,203
Regular prostate exams,
full release massage
228
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,972
and Charlie freakin' Waffles.
229
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:37,978
Okay, kids,
230
00:09:38,045 --> 00:09:40,648
Charlie Waffles needs to take
a little potty break,
231
00:09:40,714 --> 00:09:42,315
but he'll be right back.
232
00:09:42,382 --> 00:09:45,218
In the meantime,
why don't you all sing along.
233
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,087
(music begins playing)
234
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,822
(singing along with CD):
* It's potty time,
can't hold it *
235
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,991
* Can't hold it,
can't hold it *
236
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:54,728
Here, put this in
the Mommy and Me pile.
237
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,563
I'll be right back.
238
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:57,998
Alan, this is nothing
compared to the concert
239
00:09:58,065 --> 00:09:59,399
he's going to give
next weekend.
240
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:00,533
C-concert?
241
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,702
C-concert?
242
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:03,270
1,200 screaming kids and moms
243
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,306
all dying to hear
Charlie Waffles sing in person.
244
00:10:06,373 --> 00:10:08,208
Twelve hundred?
245
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,010
Uh-huh. At 50 bucks a pop.
246
00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:12,579
Wait a minute.
He's going to make...
247
00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:15,348
$60,000 off one concert?
248
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:16,583
Yeah.
249
00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:18,719
Good time to be a sponge, huh?
250
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,589
I'm not doing any concerts.
251
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,691
Why not?
252
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:25,192
'Cause I'm not.
253
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:26,593
Case closed.
254
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:27,961
What's up with him?
255
00:10:28,028 --> 00:10:29,496
It would appear
he's displeased
256
00:10:29,562 --> 00:10:32,766
with the latest gold nugget
to fall out of his ass.
257
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:33,867
Yeah, well, trust me.
258
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,736
The gold's gonna keep comin'
259
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:38,739
even if I have
to get it myself.
260
00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:42,676
* Potty, potty,
potty, potty... *
261
00:10:47,614 --> 00:10:49,516
So...
262
00:10:49,582 --> 00:10:52,152
waffle for your thoughts?
263
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:53,453
Leave me alone.
264
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:54,722
I don't understand.
265
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:56,156
I would think
a sold-out concert
266
00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:57,891
would be good news
for Charlie Waffles.
267
00:10:57,958 --> 00:10:59,659
Yeah, well, it's not.
268
00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:02,395
Because?
269
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:05,365
You ever wonder why I
never played in a band?
270
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:08,001
I just figured you were already
getting laid so much,
271
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,637
being in a rock band
would seem redundant.
272
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,339
That's not the reason.
273
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:14,674
Although I did do better
than most bass players.
274
00:11:14,742 --> 00:11:17,310
Okay, then what
is the reason?
275
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,880
I have stage fright.
276
00:11:19,947 --> 00:11:21,414
You have stage fright?
277
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:25,786
Severe, debilitating,
wet-your-pants stage fright.
278
00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:30,657
(laughing)
279
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:32,659
I don't understand.
280
00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:35,328
I've seen you perform.
281
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:38,465
Well, sure, in the living room
for a couple of people.
282
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:39,900
But on a stage with lights,
283
00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:42,135
in front of a crowd
that's paying to see me?
284
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:43,003
(shuddering)
285
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:46,306
Do you literally pee your pants?
286
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:49,076
What difference
does it make?
287
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:50,643
I'm just saying your
audience is composed
288
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,079
of a lot of bed-wetters.
289
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:55,082
They might get a kick
out of seeing you soil yourself.
290
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,850
And you think
that would be funny?
291
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:57,951
Well, I wouldn't,
292
00:11:58,018 --> 00:12:00,420
but I'm not your audience.
293
00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:05,658
(phone ringing)
294
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,895
Hello.
295
00:12:07,961 --> 00:12:10,297
I don't know what
to tell you, Artie.
296
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:11,564
I can't do it.
297
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:13,700
I don't need a reason why.
298
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:15,002
Just tell him the truth.
299
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,204
It's show business, Alan.
300
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,072
You don't tell
people the truth.
301
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:23,576
Look, I'll make the CDs.
I'll shoot the commercials.
302
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:24,912
I'll even do the bookstores.
303
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:26,246
Just no concerts.
304
00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:31,018
Hey, I don't have
to do anything.
305
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:33,386
Oh, yeah, what are you
gonna do, sue me?
306
00:12:33,453 --> 00:12:36,323
Really?
307
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:39,860
Can he sue me?
308
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,561
Did you sign a contract?
309
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:43,797
What time's the concert?
310
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,634
Okay, see you
Saturday night.
311
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:50,637
Wait, wait, wait,
11:00 a.m.?
312
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:53,773
Who goes to concerts
at 11:00 a.m.?
313
00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:55,876
Oh, yeah.
314
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,813
Stupid kids.
315
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:03,116
* Men.
316
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,451
* A quarter to 1:00
317
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:07,354
* You want
to have a little fun *
318
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:08,221
* You brush your teeth
319
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:09,857
* Chh, chh, chh, chh...
320
00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,624
* You brush your teeth
What are you watching?
321
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,393
The master at work.
322
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:16,496
* And you wake up in the morning
and it's quarter to 2:00 *
323
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,565
* You want to find
something to do *
324
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,799
* You brush your teeth
325
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,701
* Chh, chh, chh, chh, chh, chh
326
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,170
* You brush your teeth...
327
00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:24,938
Oh, Raffi, you magnificent
son of a bitch.
328
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:28,876
How do you do it?
329
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,243
How does he do it, Alan?
330
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,444
What's he got
that I don't?
331
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:34,381
Well, based
on first impressions,
332
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:37,717
I'd say a genuine love of
children and bladder control.
333
00:13:37,784 --> 00:13:40,653
Oh, that was just
a cheap shot.
334
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,390
I take 'em when I get 'em.
335
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:47,427
Look at him, all
relaxed and smiling.
336
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:50,363
Last time I was in front
of an audience like that,
337
00:13:50,430 --> 00:13:52,132
it was the seventh grade
talent show.
338
00:13:52,199 --> 00:13:53,333
I started shaking, sweating.
339
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,168
I felt like
I wanted to throw up.
340
00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,470
Don't forget peeing
in your pants.
341
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:01,875
You keep pitching me fat ones.
342
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:05,112
I'm not talking
to you anymore.
343
00:14:05,178 --> 00:14:07,647
Oh come on, look,
if you knew in seventh grade
344
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:10,517
that you couldn't perform,
why'd you become a musician?
345
00:14:10,583 --> 00:14:14,421
Because there's one thing I'm
more afraid of than an audience.
346
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:16,356
What's that?
An honest day's work?
347
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:20,894
If you knew the answer,
why'd you ask the question?
348
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:24,431
* Men.
349
00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:27,867
KIDS (chanting):
Charlie Waffles!
Charlie Waffles!
350
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:28,902
Where the hell
is he, Alan?
351
00:14:28,969 --> 00:14:30,470
I don't know.
352
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,572
He said he wanted to take
a walk to calm himself down.
353
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,507
I promise you, I will crucify
that son of a bitch.
354
00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:36,443
The two of you are going
to be living in box
355
00:14:36,509 --> 00:14:39,012
over a heating vent
when I get through suing him.
356
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:42,882
Could it be a box
with a guest room?
357
00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,417
CHARLIE:
Hey, Alan...
358
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:47,554
I figured out what went wrong
in seventh grade.
359
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:48,688
What?
360
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,524
I hadn't started drinking yet.
361
00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:54,794
Charlie, you have
to get out there.
362
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,663
You're right.
363
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,466
The little bastards await.
364
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:05,939
You can't sue him if
he just stinks, right?
365
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:08,308
(cheering)
366
00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:14,747
Who loves kids?
367
00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:17,517
KIDS:
Charlie Waffles!
368
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,486
You're damn right!
369
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,697
(laughing)
370
00:15:36,703 --> 00:15:40,840
(playing piano intro)
371
00:15:40,907 --> 00:15:41,908
(loud belch)
372
00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:43,576
(laughter)
373
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:49,082
That one's not on the CD.
374
00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:53,020
Let's try this again.
375
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,993
* I drink from a sippy cup,
sippy cup, sippy cup *
376
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:02,662
* I drink from a sippy cup
'cause I'm a big kid now *
377
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,364
Come on!
378
00:16:04,431 --> 00:16:08,001
ALL:
* I drink from a sippy cup,
sippy cup, sippy cup *
379
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:11,871
* I drink from a sippy cup
'cause I'm a big kid now *
380
00:16:11,938 --> 00:16:14,141
* Bye-bye, boobies...
381
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:15,775
They love him.
382
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,777
How can they love him?
383
00:16:17,844 --> 00:16:19,079
Who cares?
384
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,114
We're gonna make a fortune.
385
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:23,116
Doesn't it bother you
that he's loaded?
386
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,751
He's a musician.
387
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:26,686
It'd bother me
if he wasn't.
388
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:33,826
* Bye-bye, boobies,
bye-bye, boobies *
389
00:16:33,893 --> 00:16:37,764
* Bye-bye, boobies
390
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,333
* 'Cause I'm a big kid now.
391
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:45,238
(cheering)
392
00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:46,773
Who loves boobies?
393
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:50,377
KIDS:
Charlie Waffles!
394
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:54,147
Right.
395
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:03,022
* I love boobies,
I love boobies *
396
00:17:03,090 --> 00:17:04,357
* I love boobies
397
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,459
* 'Cause I'm a big kid now
398
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,527
Come on!
399
00:17:07,594 --> 00:17:09,829
* I love boobies,
I love boobies *
400
00:17:09,896 --> 00:17:11,331
* I love boobies
401
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,533
* 'Cause I'm a big kid now...
402
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:19,038
Hi.
403
00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:21,074
Hey.
404
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,609
What are you doing up so late?
405
00:17:22,675 --> 00:17:24,411
I couldn't sleep.
406
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:27,480
Something bothering you?
407
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,448
It's nothing.
408
00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:30,950
Oh, come on.
I'm your brother.
409
00:17:31,017 --> 00:17:32,619
You can tell me anything.
410
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:33,620
(sighs)
411
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,422
Well, the truth is...
412
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,957
your life has been going
so great lately,
413
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:40,393
it's been bringing up
a lot of old resentment in me...
414
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:41,928
TV ANNOUNCER:
Who loves kids?
415
00:17:41,994 --> 00:17:45,098
KIDS:
Charlie Waffles!
416
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:46,399
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
417
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:47,934
ANNOUNCER:
For the first time anywhere,
418
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,370
if your kids love
Charlie Waffles,
419
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:53,406
they'll love him
even more live!
420
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:57,677
* When Mom's a big meanie
and serves you zucchini *
421
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:59,146
* What do you do?
422
00:17:59,212 --> 00:18:00,747
* What do you do?
423
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:03,116
* Feed it to the dog
424
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,751
* Woof! Woof!
425
00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:06,286
* Feed it to the dog
426
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,155
* Woof! Woof!
427
00:18:08,221 --> 00:18:10,623
TV ANNOUNCER:
That's right.
Charlie's first sold-out concert
428
00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:13,926
can be yours on DVD
for only $29.99.
429
00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:16,763
(singing with kids):
* Who barfed in the fishbowl?
430
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:19,031
* Who could it be?
431
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,833
* Who barfed in the fishbowl?
432
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,435
* Oh, wait, it's me!
433
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:26,373
* Fish food, fish food,
I made some fish food *
434
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,741
* Fish food, fish food
435
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,477
* Mommy, come and see.
436
00:18:30,543 --> 00:18:32,379
ANNOUNCER:
Plus, if you order now...
437
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,913
You know what's
funny, Alan?
438
00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:37,250
I was so hammered, I have
no memory of that concert.
439
00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:41,087
Gee... that is funny.
440
00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,089
WOMAN (singsongy):
Oh, Charlie Waffles?!
441
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,357
Yeah, baby?!
442
00:18:44,424 --> 00:18:46,726
Who loves boobies?!
443
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:48,895
Coming!
444
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,297
Excuse me.
445
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,865
Time to butter up
the old waffle.
446
00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:57,136
Yeah, well,
thanks for the talk.
447
00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:57,904
What talk?
448
00:18:57,970 --> 00:18:59,639
Go.
449
00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:00,740
Butter.
450
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,180
KIDS:
* Can't hold it! *
451
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:08,915
* It's potty time,
can't hold it *
452
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:12,118
* Can't hold it!
Can't hold it! *
453
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:13,920
* Potty! Potty!
454
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:16,389
* Potty! Pot-tay!
455
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,891
* Potty! Potty!
456
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,760
* Potty! Pot-tay!
457
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,429
* I'm not wearing a diaper
and I'm not in the pool *
458
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,864
* Get out of the bathroom,
gotta go, fool! *
459
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,667
* Potty! Potty! Potty!
460
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,001
* Pot-tay!
461
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,903
* It might be number one,
it might be number two *
462
00:19:30,970 --> 00:19:33,406
* I don't know yet
and neither do you *
463
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:36,075
* Potty! Potty!
464
00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:42,882
* Potty! Pot-tay!
31657
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