All language subtitles for The Ms Pat Show s03e10 Father Christmas

The Miss That Show is filmed in front of
a live studio audience.

Y 'all remember the first Christmas you
got everything you wanted?

Me neither.

Hell, I still ain't woke up to an empty
house with ice -cubed, butt -ass neckies

sitting on a couch holding a mistletoe.

It's not about getting what you want.

It's about getting what you need.

Love and family. And I need a family who
gonna give me what the fuck I want.

Let's be real, y 'all. You're only as
good as the love you give and as rich as

the love you receive.

And that's something this world can use
a little bit more of, is love and common

fucking sense. So go share it.

Uh, baby, this is the last of the
wrapping paper. We are almost halfway

thought you was, uh, scanning back on
the presents this year. I did.

Show us.

Uh -huh.

You better hope that I'm not in this
house when you open that January credit

card, Bill.

Please, I do that every month.

Plus, you know I ain't never had no nice
Christmas, though. I try to make sure

everybody has the perfect Christmas.

I know your childhood was pretty much
based on the movie Color Purple.

You never really had one good Christmas
baby. Not one?

Hell no. One time I asked my mama for a
cabbage fat kid. She went out and bought

me a head of lettuce with hair.

Then I asked for the birth certificate.
She gonna give me a grocery store

receipt.

Have you ever had to eat your Christmas
gift for dinner because your mama was

fucked up on nigger nod?

What the devil is a nigger nod?

Eggnog, Hennessy, and hot sauce. Mmm,
that sounds awesome.

What are you getting this year, baby?

Or should I expect what you got me for
Father's Day?

Socks and underwear?

I told you, until a baby come out your P
.O., that's all you need, baby, is

socks and underwear.

Hey, well, you need to send the kids to
the store to get some more wrapping

paper, baby.

You know, you remember when the kids
were young?

I'm going to nose that boogie as always,
snooping around the house trying to see

what Santa bought her.

Yeah, and I'm glad they grew out of that
shit, too. Oh, no!

Get off me!

What the fuck were y 'all out here
spying for?

What? Spying? No, we're just still not
in the hallway like we always do.

Brandon,

take the stooges with you and go get us
a bunch of wrapping paper, here. And

what am I supposed to be buying this
with, good vibes?

Look at my damn purse and get a 50. And
don't mess with them bills in the back

because they fake.

Can we just take your credit card
because we need groceries too?

You got money?

If by you you mean I, then by I, I mean
my.

My money. And it's going to stay that
way.

You a cheap ass doctor.

Give me that purse, Brandon.

Hey, why y 'all getting groceries?

Well, because us kids are making you
Christmas dinner this year.

So why we got to pay for it?

That's a real thoughtful gift, y 'all.
Thank you.

Yeah, it was Janelle's idea because she
ain't got no money for presents.

Inflation affects us all, my brother.

Um, can y 'all kids even cook?

We gonna find out. Well, don't do it in
my damn kitchen.

We can't do no worse than you.

Get the hell out of here. Y 'all just
want to see your gift. At least

got enough sense to mind his damn
business.

Yeah, at least we still got one kid that
believes in the magic of Christmas.

Get the fuck out.

All right. Hi. Merry Christmas.

Crazy kids, man.

Well, but they're all gone.

And it's just me and you. Mm -hmm.

Would you like to have some holiday
here?

It's the black girl magic tree, and it's
so pretty.

Yeah, Jesus is the reason for the season
pad, not Coretta Scott King.

That's why I put Shirley Seas on that
bitch.

Girl, please.

Add to cart, add to cart, add to cart.

Click that little buy now button.
Christmas shopping done.

Oh, shit, I need a damn nap.

Why are you shopping online? Half the
fun is watching bitches choke each other

out for Instapot.

You calling me a bitch when I walked
away with the last instapot.

I called you a lucky bitch.

I finally know what I'm getting Terry
for Christmas.

A 65 -inch TV I saw down at the mall.

Oh, hell yeah, because it has been time
to replace that grainy shitbox in the

living room.

Felt like I was watching Insecure
through a snowstorm.

You're going to get the 4K model, right?
It ain't for you, Denise.

Well, then Terry better learn that
sharing is caring, because I need to see

every last one of J. Ellis' highly
defined ads in HD.

Where you been so early? And why you
ain't bringin' back no Krispy Kreme

doughnuts?

Uh, started up therapy again. I'm sorry,
I just wasn't in the doughnut mood.

So that mean none of us can't be in the
doughnut mood? I mean, come on, use your

head, T.

What's wrong, baby?

Well...

My therapist thinks that I'm still
messed up about my dad not being my real

Well, you know the holidays do bring up
fucked up family shit.

She gonna help me get through it,
though.

It's just hard because, um, you know, I
don't know if I'm ever gonna get some

real closure, you know?

You know, I don't even know where the
man lives, what he looks like, and I

even really need no answers. I just
wanna, I wanna see his face, you know?

Why don't you just call your mama and
ask her where your deadbeat -ass daddy

Because I'm not talking to my mama ever
again, Pat.

She lied to me.

Okay?

No, even if I find it in my heart to
forgive her, she still ain't got to be a

part of my life.

Look, man, stop being so damn dramatic,
okay?

You know how many mamas don't lie to
niggas about their daddies?

Okay, because my mama told me that Teddy
Pendergrass was my daddy.

I wanted to meet him so bad, I worked at
the airport as a wheelchair pusher.

My mama told me my daddy had a slow eye,
and every nigga that winked at me, I

thought was my daddy.

Y 'all so damn crazy.

You know what?

I needed that laugh.

You don't need to get him no TV. Go on,
get it for me.

What you talking about?

Well, I'm just telling you, he just told
you the perfect gift.

You need to get Terry to meet his real
daddy for Christmas.

You know what? That's really a good,
cheap -ass idea.

And just because he ain't talking to his
mama don't mean I can't talk to him.

Okay, because we did have a good time
when Jewel was up here.

It's a shame they can't patch that shit
up.

And you know, one good night don't mean
that musty old bitch change either.

That's how I got in my phone.

Raggedy -ass hoe, I can't stand that old
black -ass bitch.

Fake save -ass Christian.

Hey, Jewel!

Girl, we pissed you. We love the hell
out of you.

I just want to let you know I want to do
something special for Terry this year.

I would like to introduce him to his
real daddy.

Uh -huh.

Okay. All right. We love you. We can't
wait to see you again.

Black -ass bitch.

So, is the musty old bitch going to help
us out?

She don't know nothing but his name.

Damn, that old broad was a hoe for sure.

Look like I'm going to have to get him
the TV.

Well, it's all good. I'm going to use it
more than him anyway.

I can't wait to see them P -Valley dicks
in high debt.

That's going to be good.

Lady, you know you don't need that damn
TV. Where you park that so I can head

for that your car?

Damn, I can't believe she got the last
damn TV on sale.

Well, I mean, it still ain't too late to
jump her ass in the parking lot for it.

Denise, this is not Lenox Mall, okay?

Damn, I just got a text with a Facebook
message.

You really think you're going to find
Terry's daddy on Facebook?

Well, I messaged everybody who had his
name in a 50 -mile race in Columbus,

Georgia. I don't know.

Well, what if he moved away from
Columbus or died?

This is starting to feel like a fool's
errand.

You the fool.

And this ain't Terry's dad.

How do you know?

Because he's white and he's trying to
fuck me.

Damn, people still trying to get ass on
Facebook?

Look, Pat, I know that your heart is in
the right place, but you are not going

to find this guy before Christmas.

Let's just go jump this hole for this
TV.

Simply outrageous.

Are you seriously going to fire moi?

Oh, madam, I'll have you know you hired
a thespian. I've done August Wilson. I

do him every month. I've done Tennessee
Williams at every state, except

Tennessee. I've even worked with the
great Sidney Poitier.

They call me Mr.

Tibbs. And you have the nerve, the gall,
the audacity to fire moi.

Just because you don't think I have the
ability to entertain these little

morons? You see?

Calling children morons? That's not
something we look for in a Santa.

It's not like I called little
motherfuckers motherfuckers.

Security!

Security! Now you're going to call
security on me? You're going to call

on me?

I'm taking this hat. I paid for that.

Denise, close your eyes and imagine if
you seen Terry Daddy.

Now open them.

Holy shit. Right?

Do you think that's Terry's daddy? Hell
no, but I think I can convince him that

is. Oh, Pat, no. Now, what if this
insane plan actually works and then

thinks that's his real daddy and then
he'd be trying to spend time with this

forever? Man, Terry don't want no
relationship. He just want to say Merry

Christmas and fuck that nigga.

Sir, sir, Santa, Santa.

Didn't you hear?

I ain't Santa no more. But I guess it's
over for old Bernard.

You know, this was my last source of
income.

Well, we actually got a paying gig for
you. Just one night only. Come home with

me and my sister. Making love to both of
you? How much we talking?

Oh, man, please.

I be done stopped your heart before the
foreplay.

Let's give it a shot.

It ain't no sex thing. I just need you
to pretend to be my husband's daddy.

Oh, then it is a sex thing. No, I just
need you to spread some joy like you do

here at the mall.

Well, we be out of line to discuss a
conversation.

What the fuck this Frasier nigga talking
about? He want to know how much it's

paying. Well, I was going to buy a TV
for $9 .99 and now... I'll do $1 ,000.

What the fuck? Well, it's a good deal.

And listen, are we going to have to loop
my agents in on this? Shut the hell up.

You ain't got no agent.

Okay, I accept the role.

But now I'm going to have to wear my
Santa costume because the fluff and fold

have all my clothes held hostage because
of my good -bad checks.

Just keep on bouncing.

Well, it's a Christmas surprise anyway,
so I need you to come looking like a

broke -ass Santa.

Pat, you've had a lot of stupid -ass
schemes, but... But this one is a good

Just let Terry do most of the talking,
and you be who he needs you to be, okay?

And you're gonna fill me in on the
backstory, my motivation, my

Ain't no backstory. You just fucked his
mama 50 years ago, and you split.

Well, there's not much there to work
with.

What, you want me to call up and ask if
you hid it from the front or the back?

Oh, that won't be necessary.

Now, do you want me to be loving to
Terry or chilly?

Man, can't you ask these damn questions
inside?

Look, he ain't looking for no
relationship. Just give him a hug, tell

love him, let him speak his mind, and
get the fuck on like your real daddy

too.

Oh, wonderful.

The living theater.

Oh, look at all the beautiful things.

The trees and the presents.

Oh, my God.

A black reindeer.

Let's get this man some closure.

He'll be home in a couple hours, so just
make yourself at home, okay?

I'd like to take a nap if I could.

Oh, sure.

Because we're going to need your ass
sharp for the night so you can take a

in my side room.

Gratitude.

So what'd you do to get fired at Santa
anyway?

I hope you wasn't bouncing them kids on
your knee one too many times.

Certainly not. How dare you?

Then what was it?

Well, the mall was precious.

Against my alcoholism.

All the greats loved a little sip.

Brando, Olivier, Gary Coleman.

What are you talking about, Santa?

you doing in my kitchen?

I'm making Christmas dinner. You look
like a blind chef bending this bitch.

And where your sisters and brothers and
shit at?

Oh, they went to go get drinks so you
guys get tipsy and don't realize how bad

this dinner's gonna be.

Well, fuck them. Look, I got my own
problem, okay?

Me and Denise hired this nice old man to
pretend to be your granddaddy.

I'm sorry, one more time?

His name is Bernard, and I need you to
let him sleep in your room because he's

drunk.

I'm sorry, one more time?

Nigga, this is the last damn time, okay?

I didn't say you had to sleep in there
with him. Just drop him off and keep him

out of sight for your daddy, please.

Fine, but I want a ring light for my new
phone.

What new phone?

The new phone you gonna give me for
helping you out.

You a hustler like your mama. You want
me to teach you how to sell crack, boy?

I'm just bullshitting. Come on.

Hey, uh, Bernard?

Fuck out of here. My name is Bernard,
too.

Man, you still drinking? I thought you
was done with that flask. You still

drinking? Well, I was, but I refilled
it.

How'd they expect me to act without my
cognac?

Look, you on the clock, okay? Knock this
shit off. Hey, man, I'll take you up to

my room.

Worry not for me, madam.

Like the great Peter O'Toole, alcohol
makes me a better actor.

Then he gonna need another sip.

Wake me when Terry gets home, and I
promise I will give you the performance

lifetime.

Okay.

Unbelievable. Some people just did not
know how to quit. I'll be like, what?

Yeah, Ron, if you don't know how to
quit, give him that goddamn top.

Right, Bernard, so this is my room, and
it's pretty much... Bernard?

Bernard!

My room?

Yeah. Come on. There you go.

All right.

Yep, right there.

Okay.

Hey, man, is there anything else you're
going to need?

Bernard. Bruh.

Broski Claus.

Oh, my Lord.

We got an hour before Terry gets home. I
hope St. Nick got his shit together,

because I need everything perfect for my
man.

Don't worry, Pat. I'm sure everything
will go smoothly.

Ma, we have a problem.

What, he peeped in your bed?

Oh, I wish.

You wish?

He... He, uh... Oh, he dead.

He what?

He's dead.

June, boy, how the fuck you kill Santa
Claus?

Well, okay, see, he was alive, and
then... And he was unalive.

Denise, go double -check.

Why I gotta go?

Because you good with dead bodies.

I have asked you to stop bringing up my
first sugar daddy. That shit is

traumatizing.

She doesn't need to double check. Ma,
the man has no pulse. I took lifeguard

training, remember?

Yeah, and I remember you quitting, too.

I felt the uniform sexualize me.

Damn. Damn it, if that man is really
dead, not only do I not have anything

your daddy, he gonna come home to a dead
body. That's a shitty Christmas.

Okay. That man is deader than the Cosby
Show reboot.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

What are you doing home so early, baby?
It's Christmas Eve, baby.

Bob Cratchit. Hey, can we open our
presents? I don't want to wait till

No, no, no.

You should go upstairs and take a
shower.

No, no. You smell like unpicked pussy.

Go straight to the tub. Okay.

Let me go.

Now, see, see, see, that's a good kid
right there, unlike Janelle's snitch

See, you bug is the type of kid that'll
help you move a dead body.

What the fuck do you mean, you? It's us,
bitch.

I want to smoke some crack.

I don't want to do no dead body, Pat.

I stopped doing that a long time ago.
You always dragging me. me in this shit

with you all the time, and I can't even
think. I'm just trying to figure my

whole life out and shit, and now I gotta
fuck with you with this dead body.

I know you're buying me new bedspread
now, too, right?

Ah, they're full heavier than they look.

What the hell you expect? All Tubby eats
is cookies and cognac.

Okay, can we set him down for a little
bit? I'm losing my grip.

Let me get to the bottom of the stairs.

And then what's your plan? Are we going
to set him in the yard like a Christmas

decoration?

Oh, you know that is actually a good
-ass idea, Denise.

Pepper, I don't have enough of your good
ideas.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all
the way.

What the...

Ma, a little help.

You know what? Fuck this, or she ain't
gonna carry her share.

What is that? Where are you taking it?
Is it okay?

One question at a time.

What is it? My whole sound of me and
Denise hired to be your granddaddy.

Where are we taking it?

We're open to suggestions.

What's the third question?

Is he okay?

No, he dead.

You stop yelling like you ain't never
seen a dead body.

happened besides grandma?

Not even an overdose?

So spoiled.

Now, shut the fuck up. We need a gang
plan, okay?

We can't just call the police?

We already got a dead black man. What do
we need the police for?

Yeah, that's a good point, but we should
at least call the paramedics. Yeah,

because they're about to kill us all.

Okay,

get ready.

What are we going to do to these? What
are we going to do? Oh, he's Santa

Let's dump his old ass in the fireplace.

Yes, that's right. Keep you aware
because you know exactly what the fuck

Yes. Dumping a dead corpse in a
fireplace is a good idea.

Shut the fuck up. That's the best we can
do.

Go, go, go, go, go, go. Now get him, get
him, get him, get him. Come on, come

on, come on. Like a real dude. This is
what it's all about. Yes, yes, yes.

Come on, you know how to use a tampon.
Janelle, push him. Go, go, go, go, go,

go. Push him hard like a butt plug.

Come on, come on.

Perfect. Perfect? I mean, it looks good
to me.

You probably have better luck keeping
warm, baby, if you light a fire.

No!

Okay.

How about we open the presents?

Great idea, Denise.

Y 'all kids getting close on dinner?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yep, we just

the dress.

So why are the groceries sitting on the
living room floor?

Oh, man.

Did we cook the food without the food
again?

Guys. We got to do better.

For the mistletoe, I'm going

to get to know you better.

This Christmas and... Such our asses.
They're going to open these gifts.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Terry, I cannot believe you got away
with this without Terry finding out. I

know, right?

All right.

Someone call up our body?

Wrong house. The what?

Look, baby, this is one of them
Christmas EMT strippers.

Sir, I'm sorry. We don't need nobody to
dig the holes and balls tonight.

Okay? Merry Christmas, baby.

Oh, snitch ass.

Oh, really?

I'm a snitch ass?

There is a dead body in the fire.

There is a what?

A dead body? Hell no. When did Jesus
come back for his birthday?

What is going on right now?

Terry, my son.

No. Terry, my son. You know, I'm your
original daddy.

I love...

Which one of you black motherfuckers is
Terry?

The gig is up. Knock it off, okay,
Bernard?

I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm still gonna need that thousand
dollars. You ain't getting shit.

Well, wait a minute, Ma. I mean, it's
not his fault that he died.

I died?

Oh, must have been another heart attack.

Another one?

Yeah, I'd like to die sometime for a
little while. Just go up and talk to my

mama.

But how'd I do? Do good?

Did your mama tell you not to fall
asleep on the job? Because I hired you

Terry Dent, not a dead nigga in my
fireplace.

You asked me to be a dead Pete? Can we
talk now?

Hold on, let me just run this back, and
I have to tell you, I'm a little

embarrassed.

But I'm probably not going to get my
check from the mall for about a week.

So could one of y 'all float me $10 so I
can get a Christmas dinner?

$10 for dinner? Where are you going?
Chipotle?

Oh, my. No. I would never go to Chipotle
on Christmas Eve. Thank God.

No, they closed. I'm going to Waffle
House.

Let me see what I can do, Bernard.

Ma, you can't do them like this on
Christmas Eve.

Shut the fuck up. You don't know this
nigga.

Mr. Bernard, how would you like to stay
and have Christmas dinner with us?

Oh, I really wouldn't like to impose.

If someone could just drive me back to
my car so I have a nice warm place to

sleep tonight.

You live in your car, man? Yes.

Well, ever since I got evicted from my
apartment.

When'd you get evicted?

Uh, 2008.

Well, is it a nice car, Lee?

PT Cruiser.

God damn.

How do you deliver gifts in your PT
Cruiser? I pee, I drink some tea, and I

cruise.

Okay, okay, we have heard enough. Your
thing.

Oh, that's sweet.

I'll be honest with you, I am hungry.

I'm famished too, brother.

Hey, at least the children made some
Christmas dinner.

I told you they wasn't going to cook
shit.

Well, maybe we would have had time to
cook if we hadn't been helping you cook

body. Hey, you didn't even cook this
nigga right.

Who you calling, baby? I'm ordering
Chinese food.

Because if we get this man with these
children cooked up in that kitchen, we

gonna kill him again.

Hey, Sue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll take the usual.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Bernard, what would you like? Well, you
know, whenever I indulge in Asian

cuisine, I like to have Christmas. Two
usuals, please.

You know something?

This is the finest Christmas I've had in
a long time.

I'm happy to hear that, but you drunk as
fuck.

But I'm still happy to hear that.

Well, that's from lovely people.

Lovely people.

Well,

I don't know if it was the best
Christmas ever, but it's what I'm going

remember for the rest of my days.

I don't know what you were thinking
here. Pat?

I just wanted to get you a closure that
you was looking for.

Have you missed some in your life?

I want to help you find it.

Hey, are you kidding me, baby? Look, how
many men got wives that'll hire a mall

center to pretend to be their long -lost
daddy?

Hopefully not many.

Hey, how many fathers have kids who will
set out a plate for that mall center?

Huh? So you won't have no lonely
Christmas.

I was wrong, Pat.

Yeah.

You know, I ain't missing nothing from
my life at all.

I got everything I need.

I got it all, baby.

It's just turned midnight.

Merry Christmas, fam.

God bless us, y 'all, everyone.

That was beautiful, y 'all, for real,
but we need to wrap up Christmas dinner

now. What do you mean? We ain't even
wrapped our fortune cookies yet.

Okay, well, clearly it hasn't wafted
over to your nose yet, Auntie, but this

1 ,000 % just shat his pants. Party
over.

You kids don't appreciate

no good Christmas, do you?

That's because you ain't raising them
right.

Shit shouldn't keep you from eating
food.

I know that right, because we used to
eat with the flies then with Denise.

Mm -hmm. Oh, goddamn, that shit just hit
me. Let me get the fuck up out of here.

So I did all that for you. Where's my
gift?

I cannot wait to see your face on this,
Ma. Merry Christmas, baby.

Pat, meet your new daughter, Desiree.

Oh, my God.

I knew a dancer named Desiree back when
we lived in Atlanta.

Good old Desiree.

I'm going to change her name because I
don't want her to be named after no

bisexual freak.

Thank you, Terry.

Oh, what, Ma? She comes with her very
own birth certificate.

Oh, she was born on my birthday.

Yeah, and you don't even have to eat it
for dinner.

Merry Christmas, baby. Merry Christmas.

Let me guess, Janelle called the fucking
FBI?

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Brandy!

Juva! Hey, hey, come drag this in here
for me, please. I got my TV, baby.

Hey, girl, how'd you get in here so
quick?

Yeah, I don't... Christmas Day. Even
Amazon don't ship today, and they got

people pissing in jars down there.

I didn't buy that TV chair. I was going
to buy that same model when it went on

sale after Christmas.

Wait a minute, baby. You didn't buy it?
No.

Denise? Oh, you serious?

Yeah. No, T. The scratches are the only
thing you're getting from me.

All right. Kids?

Mm -mm.

Huh. Oh, look.

Dad, there's a card on the side.

Merry Christmas to Terry from Santa.

Oh, I get it, Pat.

You're trying to do a little Christmas
magic for your man.

I did not buy that TV, Denise.

Come on out here, y 'all!

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

It's snowing! Hey, it looks like we're
gonna have us a white Christmas, baby.

Tell you what, Indiana, every damn thing
is white.

Uh, should somebody wake up Mr. Bernard?

Oh, good call. I'll do it.

He's gone, y 'all.

He died again?

No, like, he's just not there.

Well, he was just out cold. Where did he
go?

Ho, ho, ho!

Oh. My.

Fucking. God.

They call me Mr.

Claus!

That's why I never got in there for
Christmas.

That is a broke...

it's gone