All language subtitles for Nathan.for.You.S04E04.The.Anecdote.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Please welcome
Nathan Fielder.

If you watch late-night TV,

you might have seen
my recent guest spot

on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"

As you can see,
I'm very relaxed,

and getting big laughs
from the audience.

Firstly--

But what you could
never guess

is that this seemingly
effortless appearance

was one of
the most calculated events

in human history.

Every year,
when the new season

of "Nathan For You"
is about to premiere,

Comedy Central
will schedule

promotional appearances for me
on late-night talk shows.

Please welcome
Nathan Fielder!

Nathan Fielder!

Nathan Fielder.

Nathan Fielder, everybody.

But as someone who's
not naturally charismatic,

these appearances have often
gone awkwardly for me,

as I've struggled to find
interesting things

to say about myself.

What part of Canada
are you from?

- Vancouver.
- Oh.

- Have you been?
- Yes.

Yes, I like it there.

It's, uh, really nice.

You see, celebrities
normally use talk shows

to give fans a window
into their exciting lives.

Me and the president
are like this.

We're best friends.

But unlike Kevin Hart,

I haven't met the president.

My life just isn't
that interesting.

When I'm not at work,

I mostly just spend time
with my cats.

You guys trying to
take a shower?

Or try to perfect
a cooking skill,

like boiling eggs.

So when I was recently
emailed a date

to appear on
"Jimmy Kimmel Live!"

to promote the new season,

I was filled with dread.

Any potential story
I tried to tell

just felt boring.

When you take them out
of the boiling water,

you need to put them
into ice water

immediately,
or else the yolks

don't, you know--

they'll--they'll
keep cooking, you know?

And they'll get too hard.

Mm-hmm.

With the pressure on me

to gain viewers
for the new season,

I just couldn't afford
to bomb on a talk show again.

You want to come back
on another night,

- and we'll try this again?
- Sorry.

So I began researching
talk show appearances

and discovered that these
seemingly random stories

all followed
a very similar formula.

They were all based
around a crazy experience

that the celebrity had,
and the best ones involved

either a funny picture,

a twist ending...

And my friend walks by,
and I grabbed her,

and I was like,
"This is Elizabeth Taylor!"

And she was like,
"No, it's not."

Or what seemed to
be the gold standard

of talk show stories:

getting pulled over by a cop
at the worst possible time.

The police pulled me over.

And this, uh, policeman
comes up, pulls me over--

And I see
the sirens behind me,

and I get pulled over,

- And I got pulled over.
- I get pulled over.

- The cops pulled us over.
- And I got pulled over.

And it was really
embarrassing.

- The cop pulled me over.
- I got pulled over.

- The cops pulled me over.
- And we got pulled over.

The lights are flashing,
and I'm like,

"Oh, who are they pulling over?'
And I realize it's me.

And I said, "I'm so sorry,
police--Mr. Policeman."

I do know that I was
pulled over twice in one week.

How do you get pulled over
4 times and not get a ticket?

This was really funny,
actually.

They were so--I was--
I got pulled over,

So after watching
nearly six hours

of celebrity interviews
and taking extensive notes,

I had compiled enough ideas
to construct

what could very well be the
ultimate talk show anecdote.

If I was flying
to an out-of-town wedding

and I accidentally grabbed

the wrong suitcase
at the airport,

I could tell a funny tale
about being forced to wear

the oversized suit
of a stranger,

and then, if I discovered
a small baggie

containing a chalky
substance in the pocket,

moments before a cop
pulled me over for speeding,

it would add a heavy dose
of suspense,

and finally,
if the owner of the suit

told me that the substance
in the baggie

was actually
his mother's ashes,

it would be a twist ending
so unexpected

that the audience
on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"

would shower me with
laughter and applause

unlike anything
I'd experienced before.

So I put on the suit,
and I look like a--

you know, a Dick Tracy villain
or something.

- Dick Tracy.
- You know? Yeah.

When I told the story
to my employee Salomon,

it killed, but there
was still one problem:

it was entirely made-up,

and to lie on a talk show

would be a massive risk.

Brian Williams once did it.

Uh, two of our
four helicopters were hit

by ground fire,
including the one I was in.

No kidding.

Uh, RPG and AK-47.

And it destroyed his career.

I want to apologize.
I said I was traveling

in an aircraft
that was hit by RPG fire.

I made a mistake.

I didn't want to become

the next Brian Williams.

So that meant, to ensure
my story wasn't a lie,

I'd have to orchestrate
an elaborate series of events

to make every
single plot point

happen to me for real.

My story begins
with me attending

an out-of-town wedding,

so the first thing
I'd have to do

is get invited to one.

To do this,
I decided to approach

the owner of
a popular wedding venue

in Agoura Hills, California,

pretending to be planning
a wedding of my own.

- Thanks so much.
- You here by yourself?

- Yeah. My wife couldn't--
- Okay.

My fiancée couldn't be here.
She, uh, she has Klein's,

- so she has to stay in bed.
- Okay. Okay, cool.

- Well, you want to see the ranch?
- Uh, yeah, yeah, I'd love to.

All right. Come on, let me
show you.

- Looks beautiful.
- Thank you.

But my real goal

was to get the names
and contact information

of a couple whose nuptials
were quickly approaching.

I'd love to talk to
one of these couples

that's, uh, going to be
getting married here,

to, you know...

Find out how they're
planning it.

Um, I could put you in touch
with the planners. You know?

Oh, okay.
You don't trust me?

I trust you.

So why not just give me
their number?

Um, 'cause I don't want to

just give you
a client's phone number.

I'd have to clear that
with them first, you know?

But the venue manager

was stonewalling me.

So when she left
to go to the bathroom,

I looked through her computer

and got the information
I needed.

Now that I had the names
and phone numbers

of some soon-to-be-married
couples,

we contacted one of them
as a wedding reality show,

and they agreed
to meet with me,

thinking I was a fiancé
who needed planning advice.

A lot of the wedding
planning I'm doing,

because she has to sleep
most of the day,

as Klein's does to you,
but, uh...

you know, I'm taking it
on myself,

and I'm really excited to--
to do it.

It's nice.
It's a good feeling.

Yeah.

The couple was gracious enough
to give me some pointers.

- Pinterest.
- Pinterest?

Yes. You know, especially
if she's resting

and she can just mess with
the computer, it's so easy.

But what they didn't know

was that my only purpose
for being there

was to score a real invite
to their wedding.

You know,
I'd love to see the--

the venue when there's
an actual wedding going on.

I don't know if...

could... take a peek, or...

Like, the setup
and everything of it?

Yeah, before, and maybe...

a little bit during, or...

I mean...

- Of ours?
- Uh, yeah.

I mean, just to--
look, I really want to be

- thorough with my research.
- I don't know.

A lot going on on that day,
so we're not sure if we want

someone coming around
and having to worry about that.

Oh, you wouldn't have to
worry about me.

- I'd just take a peek and--
- It's a--

it's just a really--
it's a really busy day.

There's going to be
a lot going on,

and it starts at,
like, 9:00 a.m.

Or at least I have
to be there at, like, 9:00.

Something like that.

You know, I wouldn't eat--

wouldn't have to eat or drink
or--you know, I wouldn't be--

Just to check out.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we get that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Just, you know, for my fiancée
to--who can't be there.

She'll be resting, so...

Yeah, maybe. I mean,
it would be a cool--

I mean, it'd be cool
for you to see everything.

Yeah. All right.

So I'm invited, I guess, or...

Um...

- Just invited to look.
- Yeah. Yeah.

You're invited
to come and see, sure.

- That's great. Okay.
- Yeah.

It was now
an undeniable fact

that I was invited
to a real wedding,

and with those words,

my made-up story for Kimmel

was starting to become true.

But making
my next plot point happen

would take some work.

Arranging a luggage mix-up

with a man who packed
an oversized suit

that has his real
mother's ashes

stored in the pocket.

So I reached out to
the Craigslist community

seeing if anyone who
had their mother's ashes

and a large suit would be
willing to help me out,

and within days,
I had a few responses.

I actually have
two different bags.

One are my father's ashes,
and one are my mother's ashes.

Okay.
But unfortunately,

when it came time
to try on their suits,

none of them were big enough
to provide the comedic effect

I needed for my story.

Yeah, this is
basically my size.

There was one guy named Sal

whose suit was
really big and good.

This is good.

But unfortunately,
he misunderstood the ad,

and believed the ashes
weren't supposed to be real.

The post said, you know,

I wanted your
real mother's ashes.

Yeah. I thought it was
going to be provided for me.

Like a prop or something.

- Oh, okay.
- I didn't think they'd need

an actual mother's ashes.

I--is your mom dead?

No.

Okay.

It was unfortunate that
Sal's mom was still alive,

because the suit was perfect,
but after he left,

I realized there might
still be a way

of getting those ashes
I needed.

So I asked him to meet me
at his mom's house the next day

to tell him
my creative work-around.

Technically, ashes can be

any part of her,
as long as it's burned.

So I figure,
if there's stuff

from her body
that she doesn't use,

like, you know,
nails, or an old tooth,

or some hair, maybe,

if we use that,

we should be fine.

Uh, what do you think?

How much hair?

It just has to be enough
to fill a tiny baggie.

Just a--just a little bit.

Like a trim
from the bottom, or...

Yeah.

Just a little bit.

Okay, I'll talk to her.
See what she--

The nails and the hairs,
I'm pretty sure.

- Okay.
- I'll see what she says.

And with that,
we headed in to meet Mommy.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, too.

So, um, an opportunity
came up for me,

and, pretty much, uh,

he's going to be in a talk show,

and he wants to tell a story.

So in order
for it to be real,

we need a little bit of your
hair and some nail clippings,

and then we're going to
burn them up,

and turn them into ashes.

- Hair from--my hair?
- Your hair, yeah.

There was
a miscommunication.

I thought you were dead,
so I thought

he had your ashes.
Um...

We just need a little bit.

My hair is okay.
My hair...

You're not gonna go bald.

I don't know--

Yes, it's a good
opportunity for you, it's okay.

With Sal's mom on board,

we started collecting
some parts of her body

that we'd then convert
into ashes.

Along with the hair trimmings,

she also gave us
her fingernails,

some dead skin
from her feet,

and contributed some ear wax
that we added to the bag.

We also got permission
to snake her drain

for any body parts
that might have fallen in

during a shower.

Once I felt I had enough
of Sal's mom,

we rushed her parts
to a local crematory,

where the remains
were put in a big oven

and incinerated
at temperatures exceeding

1,400 degrees Fahrenheit.

So with Sal's
real mother's ashes

now in hand,

and the wedding just days away,

I could now prepare
for the luggage mix-up

that would be
the catalyst of my story.

So I transferred the ashes
to a small Ziploc baggie

and had Sal put them

in the inside breast pocket
of his suit jacket,

which he was instructed
to pack

in one of
two identical suitcases

I'd purchased
earlier that week.

- Thanks, Sal.
- You're welcome.

It turned out the wedding venue
in Agoura Hills

was only a 45-minute drive
from my home in Los Angeles,

but for a real
luggage mix-up to happen,

I would need to fly,

so I booked a round-trip
ticket to San Francisco

that would immediately
return to Los Angeles

that same morning.

And when the big day
finally came,

it was time to bring
my story to life.

The day of the wedding
had arrived.

So I headed to LAX,
where I had pre-arranged

for Sal to be booked
on the same flight as me.

From this moment forward,

everything would need
to happen like clockwork,

so when Sal and I
landed in San Francisco,

we both got our bags

and then immediately
checked them back in

for our return flight to LA.

Sal and I didn't
exchange a single word

throughout the entire
round trip,

which is typical
for two strangers.

When the flight landed
in Los Angeles,

we both went
to the luggage carousel

where Sal was told
to take my bag.

So when his luggage
came around,

it would be a true fact

that I grabbed
someone else's suitcase

at the airport.

And after getting
my rental car

and making
the hour-long drive

to my hotel in Agoura Hills,

it was time for
the moment in my story

where I would open
my luggage to discover

none of my clothes
were inside.

As instructed,
Sal had filled out

his contact info
on the luggage tag,

allowing me to call
the suitcase owner

and explain that I had nothing
to wear to the wedding.

Oh, yeah, that would--
that would be great.

With just 30 minutes
until the wedding,

I was now
in the oversized suit

that would serve as
the funny visual for my story.

And right on cue,
I discovered

the suspicious baggie
in the pocket,

setting the scene for the
essential moment

of every great
talk show anecdote:

getting pulled over by a cop

at the worst possible time.

I didn't want to break the law,

so I had my production team
close down

a small stretch of road

en route to the wedding,

where a real
police officer I had hired

was waiting and ready
to pull me over

the second I surpassed
the speed limit.

Ready?

Ready.

Once I crossed 35,
I heard the sirens

and pulled over
to the side of the road,

making it truthful
that a cop pulled me over

on the way to the wedding.

So all that was left to do

was engage with the officer

in a dialogue
I had prepared in advance.

Hey, um...

can you just read these lines?

Yours are highlighted.

Thanks.

License and registration,
please.

Here you go, officer.

My hope was that this

strategically crafted
interaction

would maximize
the suspense of my story

while allowing me
to showcase my quick wit.

Thank God you're not the, uh,
fashion police,

or I'd be in big trouble.

What's that?

What?

That bag on the seat.

Oh, I don't know.
It's not mine.

Hand it to me.

The officer was hitting

all his lines perfectly.

So you're telling me
you got the wrong luggage

and this was inside
the suit jacket

and it's not even your suit?

I can call the guy.

I have--I have his number.

And it was soon time
for the climax of my story.

All right, so I'm going to
start off with--

Are you the owner of this suit--

Are you the owner
of this suit?

Of the suit that
this gentleman's wearing?

Okay.
What's in the baggie?

Okay, thank you.

And once the officer
handed back the phone,

all that was left
was the big twist ending.

What did he say
was in the baggie?

It's his mother's ashes.

Oh, my.

- That's it. That's me--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Thank you. That was great.
You did great. Thanks.

I did it, and with my
run-in with the law complete,

I made it to the wedding
just in time for the ceremony.

I tried to keep
a low profile,

because even though
I was technically invited,

I doubted they'd be thrilled
to see me.

The ceremony was beautiful,

and I especially liked the part
where they kissed each other,

because it was so romantic.

With everything I needed
for my story complete,

I could've left right then.

But I ended up
staying for hours,

deep into the night,

and as my feet glided
across the dance floor

that had once only
existed in my mind,

I realized the exciting life
I had envied in others

had actually become my own.

It was the night

of my appearance
on "Jimmy Kimmel Live!"

And as I waited
for my turn on the couch,

I was feeling confident.

I'd invested over $350,000
of my show's budget

into the anecdote
I'd be telling tonight,

and that meant
this had to work.

But shortly after
the show began,

something happened
that I never saw coming.

Please say hello
to Kirsten Dunst.

The first guest of the night
was Hollywood starlet

Kirsten Dunst, and as she
began telling her story,

I couldn't believe my ears.

It started with talk
of an upcoming wedding.

You got engaged since
the last time I saw you.

I did, last December.
Yeah.

And then quickly
transitioned into a story

about a luggage mix-up
at an airport.

She worked for Lufthansa.

If someone was rude to her
in the morning--

- She did it twice, I think.
- What'd she do?

She would send their bag
to a different country.

I couldn't believe
what I was seeing,

and just when I thought
it couldn't get worse...

You know, you have movie pot,
which is basically fake.

You know, it's like,
whatever they roll. Tobacco...

- Oregano or whatever.
- Oregano, yeah.

She ended with a twist

about confusing a baggie
of fake drugs

for real drugs.

He came back, he's like,

"Oh, you smoked a full blunt

on one of the takes."

I've never been that stoned

in my entire life.

I considered
just leaving right then.

How could I possibly follow

a story that was
so similar to mine?

But before I knew it,
the sound guy intercepted me,

and all of a sudden,
I was being ushered

to the stage.

I had no clue
what would happen

once I was out there,
but at this point

there was no turning back.

Season four of
"Nathan For You"

premieres September 28th
on Comedy Central.

Please welcome Nathan Fielder!

You got a lot
of energy, Nathan.

You remind me of a young
George Lopez.

Do you get that regularly?

I love rock and roll.

Couldn't help but jam
a little bit with you guys.

I was still
in a state of shock

as I stumbled through
the initial banter

and began my story.

So, okay, I was going to
a wedding

- like, a out-of-town wedding.
- Okay.

You've been
to weddings before.

- I was at one once, yeah.
- Yeah.

And I could sense right away,

the audience wasn't in the mood
for another wedding tale.

But I knew I did have one thing
that Kirsten Dunst didn't:

a funny visual.

And I put on the suit,
but the only thing is,

it's, uh...

it's, like,
way too big for me.

Okay.

Actually, I sent
your producers the photo.

Oh, you have a photo?
Oh, how 'bout that?

That's me in the hotel room.

- I took that.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah, that is...

That is too big.

That is just way too big.

I look like a Dick Tracy
villain or something.

Yeah.

The explosion of laughter
I got gave me new confidence,

and as I began describing
my drug mix-up,

I was reminded that maybe

the similarities in
our stories didn't matter.

In the suit, there's like,
a small Ziploc baggie

with, like,
a powdery substance in it.

Mm-hmm.

Every great
talk show anecdote

follows the same formula.

It didn't matter how many times
the audience had heard it.

They wanted to hear it again.

And I see the sirens,
and, uh,

a cop pulls me over.

"Thank God, you're not
the fashion police,

or I'd be in big trouble
right now."

I had left the baggie
on the seat...

- Oh.
- Beside me.

Plot point after plot point,
I was killing.

"Oh, I don't know,
it's not mine."

But as my story
crossed the nine-minute mark,

I could tell they were
expecting a big payoff,

and if I could
stick the landing,

this could go down

as the best talk show
anecdote

of all time.

And I give the phone
to the cop.

And the cop takes it
and hesitates

and puts it to his ear,
and he's like,

"What's in the baggie?"

And then there's
this long silence

while the cop
is just listening,

and then he
looks at the baggie again

and then hands back the baggie
to me with my phone and says,

"Okay. You're good."

And so I say to him,

I'm like, "What did he say..."

"Was in the baggie?"

And he said,
"It's his mother's ashes."

- So, you must've been...
- I mean...

Firstly,
I've never been so relieved

to find out I was holding
human remains.

That night,
I was incredible,

and I could rest easy,

knowing that it all
really happened.

Nathan Fielder, everybody!
We'll be right back.

Ab-so-lutely.