All language subtitles for Nathan.for.You.S02E08.Toy.Company.&.Movie.Theatre.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD+2.0.H.264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

MY NAME IS NATHAN FIELDER.

AND I GRADUATED FROM ONE OF
CANADA'S TOP BUSINESS SCHOOLS

WITH REALLY GOOD GRADES.

NOW, I'M USING MY KNOWLEDGE
TO HELP STRUGGLING

SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS MAKE IT
IN THIS COMPETITIVE WORLD.

THIS IS NATHAN FOR YOU.

THIS IS MARK RAPPAPORT,
OWNER OF MARKY SPARKY TOYS.

AND OF ALL THE PRODUCTS
HE'S INVENTED,

ONE STANDS OUT AS
THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

THE "DOINKIT" IS A STRANGE BALL
THAT DOESN'T DO MUCH.

AND, UNFORTUNATELY FOR MARK,
IT HASN'T BEEN

THE BIGGEST SELLER, EITHER.

IT'S NOT ALL FUN--
IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES--

UNTIL NOBODY BUYS YOUR TOYS.

BUT AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
THE QUALITY OF THE TOY

SHOULDN'T MATTER,
WHEN YOU'RE SELLING TO KIDS.

SO I PAID MARK A VISIT,
WITH A WAY TO GET

THOSE DOINKITS SOLD.

WHEN YOU'RE A KID,
WHAT'S THE ONE THING YOU WANT,

MORE THAN ANYTHING?

POWER.

NO.
TO NOT BE SEEN AS A BABY.

IT'S VERY EASY
TO MARKET TO KIDS,

BECAUSE THEIR BRAINS
ARE SO SMALL.

SO RATHER THAN SELLING A BALL,
MARK SHOULD BE SELLING

AN IDENTITY FOR CHILDREN.
THAT IDENTITY?

THAT OWNING A DOINKIT
IS THE ONLY WAY TO PROVE

YOU'RE NOT A BABY.

NO. NO.

THIS IS MARKETING 101.

A--ACCORDING TO YOU.

WELL, THAT'S WHAT
SELLS PRODUCTS.

FANTASTIC! FANTASTIC.
I AM SO EXCITED.

AM I SENSING SOME SARCASM?

YES.

MARK WASN'T CONVINCED,
AND SAID THERE WAS ONLY

ONE THING THAT COULD
WIN HIM OVER.

CASH. MONEY.

I NEEDED TO SHOW
THAT THIS WOULD BE PROFITABLE.

SO LATER THAT WEEK,
I ARRANGED A FOCUS GROUP

TO SEE IF MY MARKETING APPROACH
WOULD WORK WITH ACTUAL CHILDREN.

WHEN I SHOW THIS TO YOU,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- DO YOU WANT IT?
- NOPE.

- NAH.
- NO.

WHY?

- DUMB.
- IT'S DUMB?

YEAH.

OKAY, UH, HOLD ON A SECOND,
GUYS.

I JUST GOT A CALL.

HELLO?

OH, YES SIR.
REALLY?

OH MY GOD, YEAH,
I'LL LET THEM KNOW.

SORRY, GUYS.
THAT WAS THE PRESIDENT CALLING.

AND HE JUST TOLD ME
THAT OWNING THIS TOY

IS NOW THE ONLY PROOF
YOU'RE NOT A BABY.

WELL, I MEAN, I HAVE ONE.

SO THAT'S GOOD.
ARE YOU GUYS BABIES? OR...

- NOPE.
- NAH.

WELL YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOY,
SO YOU MUST BE A BABY.

UNLESS YOU HAVE IT,
THEN YOU'RE NOT.

OH, OKAY, SO NOW...
YOU TWO AREN'T BABIES,

BUT ARE YOU A BABY?

- ARE YOU A BABY?
- NO.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE THE TOY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT KIDS
THAT DON'T HAVE THE TOY?

- MM, SAD.
- WEIRD.

- SAD?
- WEIRD.

- WHY?
- BECAUSE THEY'RE A BABY.

THE STRATEGY WORKED
EVEN BETTER THAN I HAD HOPED.

SO I REBRANDED
THE TOY'S PACKAGING

AND BROUGHT IT TO MARK,
TO SEE WHAT HE THOUGHT.

IT'S HORRIBLE.

I MEAN, WHAT SPECIFICALLY?

UH, KID IN A DIAPER?
WITH, UM,

CHILDREN POINTING AT HIM?

IF THIS IS THE BEST YOU'VE GOT,
YOU'RE AWFUL.

I MEAN,
I'M PUTTING A LOT OF EFFORT

AND RESOURCES INTO
TRYING TO SELL...

- WELL YOU'RE NOT...
- IT'S LESS--

YOU'RE NOT GOOD
AT WHAT YOU DO.

UM, YOU'RE NOT GOOD
AT WHAT YOU DO.

WORKING WITH MARK
WAS ABOUT AS MUCH FUN

AS PLAYING WITH HIS TOYS.

BUT I WAS CONVINCED
I COULD WIN HIM OVER

IF I SHOWED HIM RESULTS.

SO I WROTE AND SHOT
A PROFESSIONAL TV COMMERCIAL

FOR THE DOINKIT,
THAT WAS GUARANTEED

TO GET KIDS TO BUY IT.

IF YOU ARE BETWEEN THE AGES
OF THREE AND EIGHT,

PLEASE LISTEN CLOSELY.

OWNING A DOINKIT
IS NOW THE ONLY PROOF

THAT YOU ARE NOT A BABY.

IF YOU DON'T HAVE THIS TOY,

PEOPLE WILL THINK
YOU WEAR DIAPERS,

AND CRY ALL THE TIME.

EVERYBODY WILL THINK
YOU SLEEP IN A CRIB,

AND DRINK FROM A BOTTLE,
IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE OF THESE.

AND WHENEVER YOU SPEAK,
ALL PEOPLE WILL HEAR IS,

"GOO GOO, GA GA."

SO TELL YOUR MOM OR DAD
TO BUY YOU A DOINKIT.

BECAUSE OTHERWISE,
AS FAR AS ANYONE'S CONCERNED,

YOU'RE A BABY.

OH, IT CAN ALSO BE USED
AS A TOY BALL.

CUT.
NICE.

IT WAS PERFECT.

BUT WHEN I TRIED TO BUY AD TIME
ON A LOCAL STATION,

YOU'RE LYING TO THE KIDS,
AND SAYING THAT THEY'RE A BABY

IF THEY DON'T HAVE THIS TOY.

THEY SAID A COMMERCIAL LIKE
THIS WOULD NEVER MAKE IT ON TV.

AND THAT MEANT,
I NEEDED A NEW APPROACH.

SO I CONVINCED A LOCAL TOY STORE
TO CARRY THE DOINKIT,

BY OFFERING TO PROVIDE THEM
WITH A SANTA, FREE OF CHARGE,

FOR THE APPROACHING
HOLIDAY SEASON.

BUT WHAT THEY DIDN'T KNOW,
IS THAT SANTA WAS MY OLD PAL,

JAMES BAILEY,
WHO I COULD TRUST TO MAKE SURE

THAT EVERY KID WOULD BE ASKING
FOR A DOINKIT FOR CHRISTMAS.

- AND WITH JAMES IN PLACE...
- SANTA!

IT WAS TIME TO SELL
SOME DOINKITS.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'D LIKE
TO HAVE FOR CHRISTMAS?

UM, I WOULD REALLY WANT
AN EVER AFTER HIGHDOLL.

WHY? THAT--THAT--THAT TELLS ME
THAT YOU MUST BE A BABY.

- ARE YOU A BABY?
- NO.

SEE ALL THESE PEOPLE
MAKING FUN OF THE BOY?

SO, WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE
TO THINK THAT YOU'RE A BABY

AND THE ONLY WAY
YOU CAN PROVE THAT,

- IS IF YOU HAVE A DOINKIT TOY.
- OKAY.

THE PLAN WAS WORKING GREAT.

- I NEED THIS, SO...
- YOU'RE GONNA GET THIS?

ONE OF THE GIRLS THAT--
AT MY SCHOOL, SHE'S MEAN TO ME.

SHE'S MEAN TO YOU?
OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

I WONDER IF THAT'S BECAUSE
SHE MIGHT THINK YOU'RE A BABY,

BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
A DOINKIT.

WELL, THAT MUST MEAN
YOU WEAR DIAPERS.

NO, I DON'T WEAR DIAPERS
ANYMORE.

'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA BE A BABY,
I SAID!

JUST DOESN'T SEEM
LIKE SOMETHING SANTA SHOULD

BE SAYING, THAT KIDS
ARE GONNA LOOK LIKE BABIES.

WELL THAT'S,
THAT'S YOUR OPINION.

DESPITE A COUPLE
UPTIGHT PARENTS,

THE DOINKIT WAS
THE TOP-SELLING TOY OF THE DAY.

BUT WHEN I WENT BACK TO MARK
WITH THE GOOD NEWS,

HE STILL DIDN'T GET IT.

THAT WAS HORRIBLE ADVICE
AND AWFUL GRAPHICS,

- TERRIBLE DESIGN...
- NO, BUT IT DID WORK.

- UNPROFESSIONAL...
- OKAY.

YOU NEVER PROVED
THAT IT WORKED.

WE DID GET SALES.

IN LIFE, NOT EVERYONE
WILL SEE YOUR VISION.

BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO ALWAYS
TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.

AND SOMETIMES THE BEST WAY
TO BRIGHTEN SPIRITS,

IS WITH A GIFT.

THIS IS YOU.

BUT THE BIGGEST
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

ME AND MARK,
IS THAT WHEN I PLAY WITH TOYS,

- I WIN.
- "HI, I'M MARKY.

I'M AN IDIOT BUSINESS MAN
WITH A SMALL DICK.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH
I HURT OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

AND I'M THE LAUGHINGSTOCK
OF MY INDUSTRY."

LAST SEASON ON MY SHOW,

I HELPED A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR,
NAMED BRIAN WOLFE,

BY GIVING HIM A POSITIVE REVIEW
ON YELP.

I DON'T GIVE A FLYING
ABOUT YELP, OKAY?

BUT WHEN I RECENTLY VISITED
BRIAN,

HE TOLD ME SOMETHING
THAT CAME AS A SHOCK.

WHEN I WAS ON YOUR SHOW,
UM, I'VE RECEIVED

A LOT OF PHONE CALLS FROM
DIFFERENT PRODUCTION COMPANIES,

AND--AND PERSONALLY, RIGHT NOW,
I HAVE MY OWN REALITY SHOW.

IT'S TRUE.
BRIAN GOT HIS OWN SHOW

ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL,
AFTER I MADE HIM A STAR.

BUT I GOT NOTHING
FROM THIS DEAL.

SO, WORRIED THAT MORE PEOPLE

FROM MY SHOW WOULD BE POACHED
FOR THEIR OWN

REALITY SERIES, I WENT THROUGH
THE ENTIRE FIRST SEASON,

TO SEE IF THERE WERE
ANY OTHER POTENTIAL CANDIDATES.

AND THAT'S WHEN I REMEMBERED
SIMON,

A PROFESSIONAL SECURITY GUARD,
WITH ONE MAJOR WEAKNESS.

DOUBLE "D" BREASTS
ARE ESSENTIAL FOR YOU?

IT'S GOTTA BE--
IT'S GOTTA BE SUBSTANTIAL.

HIS STORY HAD ALL
THE INGREDIENTS

FOR A REALITY HIT.

SO I CALLED SIMON
INTO MY OFFICE,

BECAUSE IF HE WAS GONNA GET
HIS OWN SERIES,

I WANTED TO PRODUCE IT.

SO, SIMON.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT
PITCHING A REALITY SHOW

- ABOUT YOU?
- WOW. THAT'S PRETTY BIG.

I WOULD--I WOULD DEFINITELY
BE INTERESTED IN THAT.

TO ME,
IT'S THE PERFECT CONCEPT.

YOU'RE A SECURITY GUARD
WHO'S VERY GOOD AT HIS JOB,

BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT DISTRACTS YOU.

- RIGHT.
- WHICH IS?

UH, YEAH. GIRLS WITH UH, BIG--
BIG, UH, BREASTS.

SIMON WAS IN.

SO WE SPENT THE NEXT HOUR
COMING UP WITH SOME

POTENTIAL STORYLINES
FOR OUR SERIES.

LET'S SAY A SITUATION
WHERE I WAS WORKING SECURITY

IN A STORE, AND, UM,
A WOMAN WALKED IN, LIKE,

ALMOST EVERY DAY,
WHO WAS VERY PRETTY,

BUT HAD SMALL BREASTS.

AND THEN,
LIKE MAYBE A WEEK LATER,

SHE WALKED IN, UM, AND SHE HAD
UH, LARGER BREASTS.

AND I COULD TELL THAT
SHE'D HAD IMPLANTS, YOU KNOW.

THAT COULD BE, THAT COULD BE,
LIKE ONE--TH--ONE--

THAT COULD BE ONE SHOW.

YOU KNOW AN EPISODE OF TV
IS A HALF AN HOUR LONG, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

OKAY.

WE BRAINSTORMED
A FEW MORE IDEAS,

AND AFTER SHOOTING
A SHORT DEMO PRESENTATION,

I SET UP A PITCH MEETING
WITH ONE OF THE BIGGEST

REALITY SHOW PRODUCERS
IN THE COUNTRY,

FOR LATER THAT WEEK.

SO WE'LL CHECK BACK WITH THIS
IN A BIT.

BUT FIRST...

IT'S A TOUGH TIME TO BE
IN THE MOVIE THEATER BIZ.

WITH MOST OF THE TICKET SALES
GOING TO THE PEOPLE

THAT MAKE THE MOVIES,
THEATERS LIKE

WHITTIER VILLAGE CINEMAS,
IN WHITTIER, CALIFORNIA,

HAVE TO RELY ON SNACK SALES
TO SCRAPE BY.

THE CONCESSION'S WHERE
YOU'RE GONNA MAKE MONEY.

THAT'S ALL WE ARE,
IS ONE GIANT--

A MOVIE THEATER'S JUST
ONE GIANT CONCESSION STAND.

SO I PAID THEATER MANAGER,
ERIK CHAFFINO, A VISIT,

WITH A SIMPLE WAY TO INSTANTLY
DOUBLE HIS PROFITS.

IT SEEMS LIKE, OFTENTIMES,
ONE PERSON WILL BUY POPCORN,

- UH-HUH.
- AND THEN TWO PEOPLE

WILL SHARE IT.

YEAH.
PRETTY MUCH EVERY--

95% OF THE CUSTOMERS WILL SHARE.

BUT NOT ANYMORE.

FORCE EACH CUSTOMER TO BUY
THEIR OWN CONCESSION ITEM

WITH A NEW RULE:
NO SHARING ALLOWED.

HMM. DO YOU THINK
THE CUSTOMERS ARE GONNA TREAT--

TAKE THAT WELL?

YOU KNOW, IF EDISON
WAS WORRIED ABOUT

HIS CANDLE CUSTOMERS,
HE WOULD HAVE NEVER

- INVENTED THE LIGHT BULB.
- TRUE, TRUE.

IT TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF COURAGE
TO BE THE FIRST ONE OUT THERE

TO CHANGE SOMETHING, SO...

AND THIS COULD BE, KIND OF,
OF THAT CALIBER.

YEAH, LIKE YOU SAID, UH,
THOMAS JEFFERSON WOULD,

IF HE WAS CARING ABOUT THE--
HIS CANDLE...

- EDISON.
- EDISON, THANK YOU.

- YEAH, IT'S OKAY.
- YEAH, SO, YEAH...

WHAT EDISON DID
WITH THE CANDLES, YOU KNOW?

IF HE WAS AFRAID OF THAT,
HE WOULDN'T HAVE INVENTED,

YOU KNOW, LIGHT BULBS, AND SO...

RIGHT.

ERIK WAS IN. SO THE NEXT DAY,
AFTER PREPPING THE STAFF,

WE PUT THE NEW POLICY
INTO EFFECT.

CAN I HAVE A SMALL POPCORN,
PLEASE?

YOU GUYS CAN'T BE SHARING,
SO, DO YOU GUYS WANT

- TWO SMALL POPCORNS?
- SHHH--UH, SURE.

IT SEEMED TO BE WORKING,
AS SOME PEOPLE WERE

ADJUSTING THEIR ORDERS,
AND BUYING A SECOND ITEM.

- ONE PER EACH.
-THANK YOU.

THERE YOU GO, ENJOY.
BUT AS MORE CUSTOMERS ARRIVED,

I BECAME WORRIED THAT PEOPLE
WERE TRYING TO GET AROUND

THE POLICY.

OKAY.

AND WHEN I LOOKED INSIDE
THE THEATER,

MY SUSPICIONS WERE CONFIRMED.

SO I DISCREETLY
HAD TO REMIND PEOPLE

THAT THEY WERE IN VIOLATION
OF THEATER RULES.

I'M SORRY, WE CAN'T--
WE CAN'T HAVE YOU SHARING.

I SAW YOU SHARING.

I SAW HIM TAKE SOME.

DID YOU HAVE ANY? 'CAUSE IT'S
ALL OVER YOUR SHIRT, HERE...

OKAY, CAN I--J--
I'M SORRY, DO YOU MIND IF I...

SMELL YOUR FINGERS?

OKAY, SO IT SMELLS LIKE POPCORN?

HE DID, SO HE DID.
IT'S BASICALLY STEALING

FROM THE THEATER,
WHEN YOU DO THAT.

IT WAS TOO EASY TO CHEAT,

AND WITHOUT A GOOD WAY
TO MONITOR WHAT WAS GOING ON

INSIDE THE THEATER,
IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE

FOR THE NO-SHARING POLICY
TO BE ENFORCED.

SO BEFORE THE EVENING RUSH,

I SET UP SEVERAL
NIGHT-VISION CAMERAS

AT THE FRONT OF THE THEATER,

ENABLING US TO VIEW ANY PEOPLE
THAT DECIDED TO SHARE

FROM MONITORS I SET UP
IN THE BACK ROOM.

AND WHILE TRAINING THE STAFF,
I LEARNED THAT THE CAMERAS

MIGHT BE USEFUL TO THE THEATER
FOR ANOTHER PURPOSE, AS WELL.

IT'S USUALLY, IT'S LIKE OLDER,
LIKE, UM, MIDDLE-AGED MEN

GOING TO LIKE A KID'S MOVIE
BY THEMSELVES, LATE AT NIGHT.

BUT WE'VE NEVER ACTUALLY, LIKE,
CAUGHT SOMEBODY...

- OH, OKAY.
- MID-PROCESS.

SO THIS COULD WORK
FOR POPCORN-SHARERS.

AND--AND PERVERTS.

I WAS HAPPY IT COULD SERVE
A DUAL PURPOSE,

BUT SINCE ALL THE CAMERA ANGLES
WERE CURRENTLY SET UP

TO CATCH PEOPLE SHARING SNACKS,
I HAD FRANK HELP ME

ADJUST THE ANGLES, TO MAKE SURE
THEY COULD ALSO SPOT

THEATER PERVERTS, NO MATTER
WHERE THEY WERE SITTING.

A LITTLE HIGHER UP.

AND AS WE PERFECTED THE CAMERA'S
VANTAGE POINT,

I GOT TO KNOW A LITTLE BIT MORE
ABOUT THIS TOWN I WAS IN.

SO WHAT'S LIFE LIKE IN WHITTIER?

THERE'S A--QUITE A FEW PARKS,
THAT ARE COOL.

UM, RONALD REAGAN
WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL HERE.

COLLEGE...
I THINK IT HAS THE MOST TREES?

IN ANY CITY?
VARIETY OF TREES...

WOW.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

ONCE THE CAMERAS WERE ALL SET,

I GOT IN PLACE
FOR THE NEXT SHOWING.

AND WHAT I SAW,
SHOCKED ME.

SHARE.
BOOM.

GOTCHA.
THAT'S PREMEDITATED SHARING.

THEY'RE JUST SHAMELESS.
THEY JUST KEEP DOING IT.

IT'S JUST LIKE NO ONE IS EVEN--
EVERYONE IS SHARING.

KNOWING THAT THIS BEHAVIOR
WOULD ONLY CONTINUE

WITHOUT SOME SORT
OF CONSEQUENCE,

AFTER THE SCREENING WAS OVER,

I LED TWO OF THE PERPETRATORS
INTO THE BACK ROOM,

TO MAKE AN EXAMPLE OF THEM.

UH, THIS RIGHT HERE IS OUR,
UH, MONITORING SYSTEM.

- AND YOU GUYS WERE SHARING.
- MM-HMM.

BECAUSE OF THAT,
THAT MEANS YOU--YOU HAVE TO

- GO UP ON THE BOARD.
- WHAT BOARD?

- THE...
- "POPCORN SHARING

- AND THEATERS... UH-HUH.
- THIS IS A VIOLATIONS BOARD.

WELL, I DON'T THINK...
I MEAN, WE SHARED POPCORN.

- WE WEREN'T MASTURBATING THERE.
- NO.

IT'S NOT YOU, THAT'S FOR
WHEN WE CATCH SOMEONE ELSE.

- OH.
- WE JUST HAVE ONE BOARD

FOR BOTH.

OKAY, WELL YOU NEED TO MAKE
TWO SEPARATE BOARDS,

'CAUSE I AIN'T GONNA BE
A MASTURBATOR UP THERE.

THESE CORK BOARDS
ARE LIKE $20.

SO, WE'D HAVE TO BUY TWO,
IF IT WAS FOR--

AND A SEPARATE ONE
FOR MASTURBATORS.

- SO WE JUST MADE IT ONE BOARD.
- WELL, YOU GUYS RUN A THEATER.

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO AFFORD
TWO BOARDS.

OKAY, THANK YOU
FOR THAT FEEDBACK.

- AND WE MIGHT TAKE IT IN...
- YEAH.

TO ACCOUNT.

WITH A PUNISHMENT IN PLACE,
I WAS HOPEFUL IT WOULD

CURB VIOLATORS.
BUT THE ONE THING I FOUND OUT

ABOUT WHITTIER, IS THAT PEOPLE
WERE JUST FLAT-OUT RUDE.

I DON'T MIND BEING
ON THE BOARD.

BECAUSE I'LL SHARE, AND SHARE,
AND SHARE.

WHEN I FINALLY SHOWED ERIK
THE SYSTEM,

HE WASN'T AS EXCITED
AS I HAD HOPED.

MAY NOT BE FOR THIS THEATER.
IT MAY NOT BE WHAT WE NEED.

OKAY.

IT WAS A HARD BLOW,
HAVING TWO BUSINESSES REJECT

MY IDEAS IN ONE WEEK
MADE ME SAD.

MY ONLY HOPE WAS THAT
MY PITCH WITH SIMON

WOULD TURN THINGS AROUND.

IT WAS THE DAY
OF OUR BIG PITCH.

AND SIMON AND I
NERVOUSLY WAITED

IN THE LOBBY
FOR OUR MEETING.

BEFORE GETTING INTO THE PITCH,
IT MIGHT BE GOOD TO START OFF

WITH, YOU KNOW,
SOME HOLLYWOOD CHITCHAT, OR...

- RIGHT.
- MAKE 'EM AWARE THAT YOU--

- YOU KNOW--YOU KNOW THE INDUSTRY.
- YEAH. A LITTLE SMALL TALK.

- YEAH.
- YEAH, OKAY.

WITH SIMON PREPPED,
WE MET WITH REALITY TV PRODUCER

BRANT PINVIDIC
TO SEE IF WE COULD LAND A DEAL

FOR OUR NEW REALITY SHOW.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT MOVIE
CAPTAIN PHILLIPS?

I DO.

YEAH, I HEARD THAT THE, UH,
SOMALI ACTOR WHO PLAYED THE, UH,

WHO PLAYED THE PART
OF ONE OF THE PIRATES,

I HEARD THAT HE'S ALMOST BROKE--
BROKE RIGHT NOW, SO...

- TOUGH.
- YEAH.

- TOUGH BUSINESS.
- YEAH, IT IS.

IT'S NOT ALL GLAMOUR.

AFTER SIMON ESTABLISHED
HIS INDUSTRY CRED,

WE CUED UP OUR SHOW
FOR BRANT.

HERE WE GO.

"MY NAME IS SIMON KELLOGG,

AND I'M
A PROFESSIONAL SECURITY GUARD.

MY JOB REQUIRES CONSTANT FOCUS,
AND SPLIT-SECOND RESPONSE TIME.

NOTHING CAN KEEP ME
FROM FOCUSING ON MY DUTY,

EXCEPT FOR ONE THING...

A CRIPPLING OBSESSION
WITH LARGE BREASTS.

THIS IS MY STORY.

THIS IS SIMON SEES."

EVERY MORNING, I WAKE UP
ABOUT 7:00 a.m. OR 7:15 a.m.,

AND THEN I USUALLY HAVE
A GLASS OF WATER

THAT I PUT ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE
THE NIGHT BEFORE.

THEN I MAKE MY BED,

AND THEN I GO INTO THE BATHROOM
AND I, UH, SHAVE,

BRUSH MY TEETH,
AND TAKE A SHOWER.

NEXT, I COME BACK
INTO MY BEDROOM, AND,

IF IT'S A WORK DAY,
I PUT ON MY SECURITY UNIFORM.

UH, USUALLY MY SOCKS FIRST,
AND THEN MY PANTS,

AND THEN MY UNDERSHIRT,
AND THEN MY SECURITY SHIRT.

I USUALLY DON'T DO UP MY PANTS
UNTIL I HAVE MY SHIRTS ON,

BECAUSE IT'S EASIER TO TUCK
MY SHIRTS IN,

AFTER I'VE HAD MY PANTS ON.

THEN I GO INTO MY KITCHEN,
AND I USUALLY HAVE, UH,

BREAKFAST, AND SOMETIMES
A CUP OF COFFEE.

TODAY, FOR BREAKFAST,
I MADE A HOT POCKET SANDWICH,

BECAUSE IT TASTED BETTER
THAN EATING CEREAL.

THEN THE MICROWAVE SOUNDED,
AND I KNEW MY HOT POCKETS

WAS DONE, SO I TOOK IT OUT
OF THE MICROWAVE.

MY TRICK IS TO TAKE, UH,
THE FIRST BITE, AND THEN

OPEN THE SANDWICH A LITTLE BIT,
AND THEN I BLOW ON THE INSIDE,

UH, TO COOL IT DOWN.

AND THEN AFTER I FINISHED

EATING THE HOT POCKET SANDWICH,
I, UH, RINSED OFF MY PLATE,

AND PUT IT ON THE DISH DRAINER.

THEN I LEAVE THE HOUSE
AND GO TO WORK.

TODAY I WAS ASSIGNED TO WORK
AT A JEWELRY STORE

IN CHATSWORTH.

I ALWAYS TRY TO BE HONEST
ABOUT THINGS,

SO WHENEVER I START A NEW JOB,
I ALWAYS TRY TO LET THE OWNER

KNOW ABOUT ME,
SO THERE WILL BE NO SURPRISES.

THERE IS JUST ONE THING THAT
I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT...

UM, SOMETIMES I GET DISTRACTED
BY WOMEN WITH BIG CHESTS,

UM, YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BE
LOOKING AT THEM, OR SOMETHING,

BUT I, I--I--I--

OKAY, THIS IS SOMETHING
WE REALLY DON'T NEED TO DISCUSS,

- I BELIEVE.
- OKAY.

AFTER I BRIEFED HIM, I GOT IN TO
MY POSITION AND STARTED WORKING.

I LIKE TO STAND BY THE DOOR,
SO I CAN SEE EVERYBODY

WHO'S COMING IN, AND WATCH
FOR ANY SUSPICIOUS PEOPLE.

I NOTICED THAT THERE WAS
A FEMALE EMPLOYEE,

UH, SHE WAS ASIAN, AND IN HER--
IN HER EARLY TO MID 30S.

BUT SHE WAS NOT A DISTRACTION,
BECAUSE SHE DID NOT

HAVE LARGE BREASTS.

THEN,
ABOUT 20 OR 30 MINUTES LATER,

I HEARD THE DOOR OPEN,
AND I SAW A CUSTOMER WALK IN.

AND I NOTICED IT WAS A WOMAN
WITH LARGE BREASTS.

IF A ROBBERY HAPPENED THEN,
I WOULD PROBA--PROBABLY

BE SO DISTRACTED BY THE WOMAN,
THAT I WOULD PROBABLY

NOT EVEN NOTICE IT.

WHILE THE WOMAN
WAS IN THE STORE,

I JUST KEPT THINKING ABOUT
ALL THE THINGS

I'D LIKE TO DO WITH HER.

HOW I'D LIKE TO
GET NAKED WITH HER,

AND START TO, UH,
START TO HOLD HER BREASTS,

AND, UH, MASSAGE THEM.
AND THEN, UM, TO USE MY HANDS

AND TRY TO UH, TRY TO ROCK THEM.

AND, UH, MASSAGE THEM.

THAT'S SUPER, SUPER PRETTY.
I REALLY LIKE THAT.

WELL, WHEN I GET INTO
THIS STATE, TIME STANDS STILL

OR IT KINDA LIKE, SLOWS DOWN,
UH, UH, TO A--

TO AN ALMOST-STOPPING POINT.

I MEAN, I HAVE A LITTLE BIT
OF A SENSE OF TIME.

I KNOW THAT TIME IS MOVING,
BUT IT'S MOVING

VERY, VERY SLOWLY.

WHEN SHE LEFT,
I OPENED THE DOOR FOR HER,

AND SAID,
"GOOD-BYE, HAVE A NICE DAY."

- THANK YOU, HAVE A GOOD DAY.
- YOU TOO, THANK YOU.

IT ALLOWS ME TO GET
ONE LAST GLANCE

A--A--AT HER, AS SHE LEAVES.

I THINK THEY WERE PROBABLY
"D" OR DOUBLE "D."

AFTER, WHEN THERE WAS
A BREAK IN THE CUSTOMERS,

I FELT THE NEED TO GO TO
MY EMPLOYER AND

EXPLAIN MY SITUATION TO HIM.

UM, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS,

BUT A LITTLE WHILE AGO,
A YOUNG WOMAN CAME IN

WHO HAD A VERY BIG CHEST,

AND, UM, I COULDN'T HELP BUT
LOOK AT HER, AND I--

I GOT A LITTLE DISTRACTED,
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU...

UM, I DON'T KNOW
THAT THIS SHOULD BE SOMETHING

THAT WE KEEP BRINGING UP, SIMON.

I'M JUST CONCERNED
WHY YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP.

I DON'T THINK IT'S NECESSARY
TO TALK ABOUT IT,

AS LONG AS YOU CAN DO YOUR JOB.

- OKAY.
- OKAY?

WELL I PROMISE I WON'T LET
MYSELF GET DISTRACTED AGAIN.

- OKAY.
- OKAY.

I THINK THE EXPERIENCE
CHANGED ME FOR THE BETTER,

BECAUSE IT HELPED ME
REALIZE THAT

IT WAS PRETTY EMBARRASSING
TO TALK ABOUT THAT,

SO, UM, NEXT TIME

I PROBABLY WON'T TELL MY BOSS
ABOUT BEING DISTRACTED AT WORK

BY WOMEN WITH LARGE BREASTS.

UH, UH LISTEN. IT'S WELL SHOT,
IT'S WELL PUT TOGETHER,

UM, THE IDEA THAT
YOU CAN'T DO YOUR JOB

WITH LARGE BREASTS
FLOATING AROUND

- IS A FUNNY HOOK.
- YEAH.

UH, THE BIGGEST LIMITATION,
OF COURSE, IS THAT

THERE'S NOWHERE TO SELL IT.

WELL,
I THINK THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE--

NOT JUST SECURITY GUARDS,
A LOT OF MEN--

WHEN THEY WATCH THIS,
THEY WOULD PROBABLY FEEL

- A LITTLE LESS...
- RIGHT.

LIKE IT WAS A PERVERSION,
AND MORE OF A NATURAL THING,

- YOU KNOW? YEAH.
- RIGHT.

- RIGHT, SO IT'S HUMANIZING IT.
- YEAH. IN YOUR CURRENT FORM,

I'M GONNA HAVE TO SAY NO,
I'M SORRY. IT'S A PASS.

- AND PASS MEANS THAT...
- NO.

RIGHT.

I WAS UPSET THAT WE COULDN'T
SELL THE SHOW.

BUT I FELT EVEN WORSE
THAT I LET DOWN SIMON,

AFTER GETTING HIS HOPES UP.

- ARE YOU SAD?
- A LITTLE BIT.

I REALLY WAS HOPING
THAT HE LIKED THE SHOW.

BUT SIMON SHOWED A QUALITY
THAT DAY,

THAT YOU RARELY SEE IN PEOPLE:
PERSEVERANCE.

HE'S PROBABLY A LITTLE BIT--
A LITTLE BIT OUT OF TOUCH

WITH THE MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE
IN AMERICA, I THINK.

I THINK WE SHOULD
KEEP THE BREASTS PART,

AND MAYBE, UH, MAYBE ALSO
INCLUDE ME IN MY ELVIS COSTUME.

- DO YOU HAVE AN ELVIS COSTUME?
- YES.

SIMON DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE UP
ON OUR SHOW.

AND EVEN THOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS
THAT THE ELVIS COSTUME

WOULD ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE,
HIS SPIRIT MADE ME REALIZE

THAT SIMON WOULD BE FINE,
NO MATTER WHAT

LIFE THREW AT HIM.

THAT WAS GREAT.

OKAY.

I MEAN, I THINK
IF YOU'D ASK HIM,

WHO HE WOULD RATHER BE,
OF THESE CHILDREN,

HE CERTAINLY IS NOT GONNA PICK
THE ONE WHO LOOKS LIKE A BABY.

WELL, MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE
SANTA JUST TOLD HIM

HE'S GONNA LOOK LIKE A BABY,
THOUGH.

HMM.