All language subtitles for Jimmy Kimmel Recaps the Crazy Stuff Trump Did Over the Holidays & Takes Cognitive Test Donny “ACED” [X6hFZsRGm1Q].en

Hi everybody. [cheering] Happy New Year.

Hi everybody. [cheering] Happy New Year.
I'm Jimmy. I'm the host.

I'm Jimmy. I'm the host.

I'm Jimmy. I'm the host.
Thank you. Thank you for watching.

Thank you. Thank you for watching.

Thank you. Thank you for watching.
Please settle in. We have [cheering] We

Please settle in. We have [cheering] We

Please settle in. We have [cheering] We
have so much to cover. I want to um

have so much to cover. I want to um

have so much to cover. I want to um
thanks for joining us. Uh we did it. We

thanks for joining us. Uh we did it. We

thanks for joining us. Uh we did it. We
made it. We survived 2025. And for a

made it. We survived 2025. And for a

made it. We survived 2025. And for a
minute there, it was touch and go. It

minute there, it was touch and go. It

minute there, it was touch and go. It
didn't seem like it was going to happen.

didn't seem like it was going to happen.

didn't seem like it was going to happen.
And now we uh look forward to all the

And now we uh look forward to all the

And now we uh look forward to all the
horrors the new year will bring.

horrors the new year will bring.

horrors the new year will bring.
[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]
Imagine if it's worse. Did you have a

Imagine if it's worse. Did you have a

Imagine if it's worse. Did you have a
good break, Mo?

good break, Mo?

good break, Mo?
>> It was great. Fantastic.

>> It was great. Fantastic.

>> It was great. Fantastic.
>> You had a good You went to Cancun,

>> You had a good You went to Cancun,

>> You had a good You went to Cancun,
right?

right?

right?
>> Yeah. Beautiful weather. Cancun, as you

>> Yeah. Beautiful weather. Cancun, as you

>> Yeah. Beautiful weather. Cancun, as you
told me you went. Yes.

told me you went. Yes.

told me you went. Yes.
>> Cancun. Yes.

>> Cancun. Yes.

>> Cancun. Yes.
>> And they let you back in. No problem.

>> And they let you back in. No problem.

>> And they let you back in. No problem.
>> Yeah. No problem.

>> Yeah. No problem.

>> Yeah. No problem.
>> Remember what I told you? If they

>> Remember what I told you? If they

>> Remember what I told you? If they
mentioned my name, what do you say?

mentioned my name, what do you say?

mentioned my name, what do you say?
>> No. Speak English. [cheering]

>> No. Speak English. [cheering]

>> No. Speak English. [cheering]
>> That's [applause] right. Donald Trump um

>> That's [applause] right. Donald Trump um

>> That's [applause] right. Donald Trump um
did so much crazy stuff over the last

did so much crazy stuff over the last

did so much crazy stuff over the last
two weeks. It would take a nine-part Ken

two weeks. It would take a nine-part Ken

two weeks. It would take a nine-part Ken
Burns documentary series to cover it

Burns documentary series to cover it

Burns documentary series to cover it
all. But I'm going to do my best to boil

all. But I'm going to do my best to boil

all. But I'm going to do my best to boil
it down. You know, he hosted an award

it down. You know, he hosted an award

it down. You know, he hosted an award
show over the break. After boasting

show over the break. After boasting

show over the break. After boasting
about what a great host he is and how

about what a great host he is and how

about what a great host he is and how
much better he is than I am and how huge

much better he is than I am and how huge

much better he is than I am and how huge
his ratings would be, Trump hosted the

his ratings would be, Trump hosted the

his ratings would be, Trump hosted the
lowest rated Kennedy Center Honors

lowest rated Kennedy Center Honors

lowest rated Kennedy Center Honors
telecast of all time. [cheering]

I'll tell [applause] you something.

I'll tell [applause] you something.
I'd hate to be the White House intern

I'd hate to be the White House intern

I'd hate to be the White House intern
that had to tear that headline out of

that had to tear that headline out of

that had to tear that headline out of
all the papers and eat them. [laughter]

all the papers and eat them. [laughter]

all the papers and eat them. [laughter]
You know, as I recall, he said he would

You know, as I recall, he said he would

You know, as I recall, he said he would
step down if this happened, right? He

step down if this happened, right? He

step down if this happened, right? He
said, "If I can't beat out Jimmy Kimmel,

said, "If I can't beat out Jimmy Kimmel,

said, "If I can't beat out Jimmy Kimmel,
then I don't think I should be

then I don't think I should be

then I don't think I should be
president." And well, hey, a deal is a

president." And well, hey, a deal is a

president." And well, hey, a deal is a
deal. Back to Mara Lago, you [cheering]

deal. Back to Mara Lago, you [cheering]

deal. Back to Mara Lago, you [cheering]
don't.

don't.

don't.
He also [applause]

He also [applause]

He also [applause]
missed out on this gem from December

missed out on this gem from December

missed out on this gem from December
19th when at a rally in North Carolina,

19th when at a rally in North Carolina,

19th when at a rally in North Carolina,
he finally broke his silence on the

he finally broke his silence on the

he finally broke his silence on the
first lady's underpants.

first lady's underpants.

first lady's underpants.
>> Her undergarments

>> Her undergarments

>> Her undergarments
sometimes referred to as panties.

sometimes referred to as panties.

sometimes referred to as panties.
>> That's right. Sometimes

>> That's right. Sometimes

>> That's right. Sometimes
[laughter] I can't think of a more

[laughter] I can't think of a more

[laughter] I can't think of a more
fitting or vomitous way to end a

fitting or vomitous way to end a

fitting or vomitous way to end a
terrible year than hearing Donald Trump

terrible year than hearing Donald Trump

terrible year than hearing Donald Trump
use the word panties on television. That

use the word panties on television. That

use the word panties on television. That
should be a war crime. It is amazing

should be a war crime. It is amazing

should be a war crime. It is amazing
that he even has time to say the word

that he even has time to say the word

that he even has time to say the word
panties. Over the last two weeks since

panties. Over the last two weeks since

panties. Over the last two weeks since
we left for break, Trump posted on Truth

we left for break, Trump posted on Truth

we left for break, Trump posted on Truth
Social 556 times, "Behold the ramblings

Social 556 times, "Behold the ramblings

Social 556 times, "Behold the ramblings
of a madman." That is real. He was in an

of a madman." That is real. He was in an

of a madman." That is real. He was in an
especially festive mood on Christmas

especially festive mood on Christmas

especially festive mood on Christmas
Eve. Now, just after our show ended

Eve. Now, just after our show ended

Eve. Now, just after our show ended
around 12:30 a.m., he threatened to

around 12:30 a.m., he threatened to

around 12:30 a.m., he threatened to
terminate us. He said, "If network

terminate us. He said, "If network

terminate us. He said, "If network
newscasts and their late night shows are

newscasts and their late night shows are

newscasts and their late night shows are
almost 100% negative to President Donald

almost 100% negative to President Donald

almost 100% negative to President Donald
J. Trump, MAGA, and the Republican

J. Trump, MAGA, and the Republican

J. Trump, MAGA, and the Republican
party, shouldn't their very valuable

party, shouldn't their very valuable

party, shouldn't their very valuable
broadcast licenses be terminated?" I say

broadcast licenses be terminated?" I say

broadcast licenses be terminated?" I say
yes. And to all a good night. This is

yes. And to all a good night. This is

yes. And to all a good night. This is
the This is the vision of sugar plums

the This is the vision of sugar plums

the This is the vision of sugar plums
that are dancing in his head as he goes

that are dancing in his head as he goes

that are dancing in his head as he goes
to sleep. And then St. Nicholas offered

to sleep. And then St. Nicholas offered

to sleep. And then St. Nicholas offered
this cheery salutation. He wrote, "Merry

this cheery salutation. He wrote, "Merry

this cheery salutation. He wrote, "Merry
Christmas to all, including the many

Christmas to all, including the many

Christmas to all, including the many
sleeves bags who love Jeffrey Estee.

sleeves bags who love Jeffrey Estee.

sleeves bags who love Jeffrey Estee.
Leave it to Trump to wish a merry

Leave it to Trump to wish a merry

Leave it to Trump to wish a merry
Christmas to himself in Russia." And

Christmas to himself in Russia." And

Christmas to himself in Russia." And
then he closed with [applause]

then he closed with [applause]

then he closed with [applause]
this ominous

this ominous

this ominous
message. Enjoy what may be your last

message. Enjoy what may be your last

message. Enjoy what may be your last
merry Christmas. What is that? What is

merry Christmas. What is that? What is

merry Christmas. What is that? What is
he trying to tell us? Is he he's going

he trying to tell us? Is he he's going

he trying to tell us? Is he he's going
down? He's taking us with him. I don't

down? He's taking us with him. I don't

down? He's taking us with him. I don't
know. But fortunately, he did not share

know. But fortunately, he did not share

know. But fortunately, he did not share
that sentiment with a group of children.

that sentiment with a group of children.

that sentiment with a group of children.
They lined up to speak to him. On the

They lined up to speak to him. On the

They lined up to speak to him. On the
night before Christmas, the president

night before Christmas, the president

night before Christmas, the president
and first lady took part in an annual

and first lady took part in an annual

and first lady took part in an annual
tradition of chatting on the phone with

tradition of chatting on the phone with

tradition of chatting on the phone with
kids who were calling it the Santa

kids who were calling it the Santa

kids who were calling it the Santa
tracker hotline. They rroot them to the

tracker hotline. They rroot them to the

tracker hotline. They rroot them to the
White House. And this is the kind this

White House. And this is the kind this

White House. And this is the kind this
is the kind of situation where he really

is the kind of situation where he really

is the kind of situation where he really
shines. Well, we track Santa all over

shines. Well, we track Santa all over

shines. Well, we track Santa all over
the world. We want to make sure that

the world. We want to make sure that

the world. We want to make sure that
Santa is being good. Santa's a very good

Santa is being good. Santa's a very good

Santa is being good. Santa's a very good
person. We want to make sure that he's

person. We want to make sure that he's

person. We want to make sure that he's
not infiltrating,

not infiltrating,

not infiltrating,
>> that we're not infiltrating into our

>> that we're not infiltrating into our

>> that we're not infiltrating into our
country a bad Santa. So, we found out

country a bad Santa. So, we found out

country a bad Santa. So, we found out
that Santa is good.

that Santa is good.

that Santa is good.
>> Santa loves you. Santa loves Oklahoma

>> Santa loves you. Santa loves Oklahoma

>> Santa loves you. Santa loves Oklahoma
like I do. You know, Oklahoma was very

like I do. You know, Oklahoma was very

like I do. You know, Oklahoma was very
good to me in the election. So, I love

good to me in the election. So, I love

good to me in the election. So, I love
Oklahoma. Don't ever leave Oklahoma.

Oklahoma. Don't ever leave Oklahoma.

Oklahoma. Don't ever leave Oklahoma.
Okay.

Okay.

Okay.
>> Okay. I'll try.

>> Okay. I'll try.

>> Okay. I'll try.
>> Good. That's good.

>> Good. That's good.

>> Good. That's good.
Is it is it at all possible that Donald

Is it is it at all possible that Donald

Is it is it at all possible that Donald
Trump is unfamiliar with the concept of

Trump is unfamiliar with the concept of

Trump is unfamiliar with the concept of
Santa Claus or unfamiliar with the

Santa Claus or unfamiliar with the

Santa Claus or unfamiliar with the
concept of children? I He's telling a a

concept of children? I He's telling a a

concept of children? I He's telling a a
10year-old he won Oklahoma. [laughter]

10year-old he won Oklahoma. [laughter]

10year-old he won Oklahoma. [laughter]
>> Hey, let's go to line three, shall we?

>> Hey, let's go to line three, shall we?

>> Hey, let's go to line three, shall we?
>> This is Crew

Pennsylvania,

Pennsylvania,
>> right? I know. Oh, Pennsylvania is

>> right? I know. Oh, Pennsylvania is

>> right? I know. Oh, Pennsylvania is
great. We won Pennsylvania.

great. We won Pennsylvania.

great. We won Pennsylvania.
Actually, three times, but

Actually, three times, but

Actually, three times, but
>> we won Pennsylvania. There you go.

>> we won Pennsylvania. There you go.

>> we won Pennsylvania. There you go.
>> We won it in a landslide. So, I live

>> We won it in a landslide. So, I live

>> We won it in a landslide. So, I live
Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania.

Pennsylvania.
>> Can you imagine not just bragging to

>> Can you imagine not just bragging to

>> Can you imagine not just bragging to
children, which is very strange, but

children, which is very strange, but

children, which is very strange, but
also being the president of the United

also being the president of the United

also being the president of the United
States and bragging to children. How

States and bragging to children. How

States and bragging to children. How
much affirmation does this man need? And

much affirmation does this man need? And

much affirmation does this man need? And
then for the third time in 5 years, he

then for the third time in 5 years, he

then for the third time in 5 years, he
enlisted Vanilla Ice to perform at his

enlisted Vanilla Ice to perform at his

enlisted Vanilla Ice to perform at his
Mara Lago New Year's Eve party, which is

Mara Lago New Year's Eve party, which is

Mara Lago New Year's Eve party, which is
a lot of times for a guy with one song.

a lot of times for a guy with one song.

a lot of times for a guy with one song.
Ice baby [music]

Ice baby [music]

Ice baby [music]
in the house

in the house

in the house
baby.

baby.

baby.
[music]

>> What year were they ringing in? 1991. I

>> What year were they ringing in? 1991. I
[laughter] mean, President Trump said

[laughter] mean, President Trump said

[laughter] mean, President Trump said
his New Year's resolution this year is

his New Year's resolution this year is

his New Year's resolution this year is
peace on earth. And that lasted for just

peace on earth. And that lasted for just

peace on earth. And that lasted for just
under two days. Um, if you were

under two days. Um, if you were

under two days. Um, if you were
wondering how bad these Epstein files

wondering how bad these Epstein files

wondering how bad these Epstein files
are for Trump, turns out they're invade

are for Trump, turns out they're invade

are for Trump, turns out they're invade
Venezuela bad. This is literally the

Venezuela bad. This is literally the

Venezuela bad. This is literally the
plot of the movie Wag the Dog. The

plot of the movie Wag the Dog. The

plot of the movie Wag the Dog. The
president gets caught in a sex scandal,

president gets caught in a sex scandal,

president gets caught in a sex scandal,
so he attacks a smaller country to

so he attacks a smaller country to

so he attacks a smaller country to
distract us. And here we are distracted.

distract us. And here we are distracted.

distract us. And here we are distracted.
On Saturday, Venezuelan President

On Saturday, Venezuelan President

On Saturday, Venezuelan President
Nicholas Maduro and his wife were

Nicholas Maduro and his wife were

Nicholas Maduro and his wife were
captured by Delta Force at their home in

captured by Delta Force at their home in

captured by Delta Force at their home in
Caracus and brought to New York. Trump

Caracus and brought to New York. Trump

Caracus and brought to New York. Trump
watched the operation unfold in real

watched the operation unfold in real

watched the operation unfold in real
time from the bunker in his basement at

time from the bunker in his basement at

time from the bunker in his basement at
Mara Lago. You can see there he is with

Mara Lago. You can see there he is with

Mara Lago. You can see there he is with
Hegath and Marco Rubio. This mission was

Hegath and Marco Rubio. This mission was

Hegath and Marco Rubio. This mission was
called Operation Absolute Resolve, which

called Operation Absolute Resolve, which

called Operation Absolute Resolve, which
is a title that was definitely generated

is a title that was definitely generated

is a title that was definitely generated
by ChatGBT.

by ChatGBT.

by ChatGBT.
Venezuela has the largest oil reserves

Venezuela has the largest oil reserves

Venezuela has the largest oil reserves
in the world, especially now that Diddy

in the world, especially now that Diddy

in the world, especially now that Diddy
is locked up. And so,

is locked up. And so,

is locked up. And so,
after [applause and cheering]

after [applause and cheering]

after [applause and cheering]
months of

months of

months of
of escalation, [applause]

of escalation, [applause]

of escalation, [applause]
Trump decided Maduro had to go. And yes,

Trump decided Maduro had to go. And yes,

Trump decided Maduro had to go. And yes,
he's a criminal and a dictator who's

he's a criminal and a dictator who's

he's a criminal and a dictator who's
driven his country into financial ruin

driven his country into financial ruin

driven his country into financial ruin
while he and his family have lined their

while he and his family have lined their

while he and his family have lined their
own pockets. But Maduro is no saint

own pockets. But Maduro is no saint

own pockets. But Maduro is no saint
either. And thank you. So with Maduro

either. And thank you. So with Maduro

either. And thank you. So with Maduro
out, the question is who is going to run

out, the question is who is going to run

out, the question is who is going to run
Venezuela? And the answer is this guy.

Venezuela? And the answer is this guy.

Venezuela? And the answer is this guy.
>> We're going to run the country until

>> We're going to run the country until

>> We're going to run the country until
such time as we can do a safe, proper,

such time as we can do a safe, proper,

such time as we can do a safe, proper,
and judicious

and judicious

and judicious
transition. So, so we are going to run

transition. So, so we are going to run

transition. So, so we are going to run
the country until such time as we can do

the country until such time as we can do

the country until such time as we can do
a safe, proper and judicious

a safe, proper and judicious

a safe, proper and judicious
transition. And it has to be judicious

transition. And it has to be judicious

transition. And it has to be judicious
because that's what we're all about.

because that's what we're all about.

because that's what we're all about.
>> That word I can barely say judicious.

>> That word I can barely say judicious.

>> That word I can barely say judicious.
[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]
You cook. I'll do dishes. It's

You cook. I'll do dishes. It's

You cook. I'll do dishes. It's
that's what we're going to be.

that's what we're going to be.

that's what we're going to be.
>> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering]

>> [applause and cheering]
>> He might be I mean

>> He might be I mean

>> He might be I mean
I I think he might be gargling Nyquil or

I I think he might be gargling Nyquil or

I I think he might be gargling Nyquil or
something. He's going to run Venezuela.

something. He's going to run Venezuela.

something. He's going to run Venezuela.
HE CAN'T EVEN RUN THE COUNTRY HE RUNS.

HE CAN'T EVEN RUN THE COUNTRY HE RUNS.

HE CAN'T EVEN RUN THE COUNTRY HE RUNS.
THIS IS LIKE if JC Penney decided to buy

THIS IS LIKE if JC Penney decided to buy

THIS IS LIKE if JC Penney decided to buy
Sears for 10 years he's been promising

Sears for 10 years he's been promising

Sears for 10 years he's been promising
this plan for healthcare. Now he's

this plan for healthcare. Now he's

this plan for healthcare. Now he's
running another country that I guarantee

running another country that I guarantee

running another country that I guarantee
you he could not find on a map. I would

you he could not find on a map. I would

you he could not find on a map. I would
bet anything on that. What is he

bet anything on that. What is he

bet anything on that. What is he
thinking? Is running the United States

thinking? Is running the United States

thinking? Is running the United States
not enough? I mean, if you're looking

not enough? I mean, if you're looking

not enough? I mean, if you're looking
for a challenge, try a sit up. Do

for a challenge, try a sit up. Do

for a challenge, try a sit up. Do
something other than So, here's Maduro

something other than So, here's Maduro

something other than So, here's Maduro
arriving in New York in handcuffs. 40%

arriving in New York in handcuffs. 40%

arriving in New York in handcuffs. 40%
chance Trump thinks he captured Saddam

chance Trump thinks he captured Saddam

chance Trump thinks he captured Saddam
Hussein.

Hussein.

Hussein.
But with the spectre of Epstein and his

But with the spectre of Epstein and his

But with the spectre of Epstein and his
approval ratings and the golden toilet

approval ratings and the golden toilet

approval ratings and the golden toilet
Trump needed to win, something his

Trump needed to win, something his

Trump needed to win, something his
magaminions could crow about, and none

magaminions could crow about, and none

magaminions could crow about, and none
more so than that little teeth sucker,

more so than that little teeth sucker,

more so than that little teeth sucker,
Lindsey Graham. To my Democratic

Lindsey Graham. To my Democratic

Lindsey Graham. To my Democratic
friends, you should be celebrating this.

friends, you should be celebrating this.

friends, you should be celebrating this.
When Bin Laden went down, I was the

When Bin Laden went down, I was the

When Bin Laden went down, I was the
first to applaud President Obama.

first to applaud President Obama.

first to applaud President Obama.
>> By the way, you know, you mentioned

>> By the way, you know, you mentioned

>> By the way, you know, you mentioned
something that's interesting. Lindsay

something that's interesting. Lindsay

something that's interesting. Lindsay
mentioned Bin Laden. Do you know I wrote

mentioned Bin Laden. Do you know I wrote

mentioned Bin Laden. Do you know I wrote
about Bin Laden one year before the

about Bin Laden one year before the

about Bin Laden one year before the
attack on the World Trade Center and I

attack on the World Trade Center and I

attack on the World Trade Center and I
said, "You got to go after Bin Laden."

said, "You got to go after Bin Laden."

said, "You got to go after Bin Laden."
It was in my book.

It was in my book.

It was in my book.
>> Okay, so here's how you know when Trump

>> Okay, so here's how you know when Trump

>> Okay, so here's how you know when Trump
is lying. This is his tell. I finally

is lying. This is his tell. I finally

is lying. This is his tell. I finally
figured it out. He doesn't just lie

figured it out. He doesn't just lie

figured it out. He doesn't just lie
once. He does it a second time. If

once. He does it a second time. If

once. He does it a second time. If
>> they would have listened to me, they

>> they would have listened to me, they

>> they would have listened to me, they
would have taken out Bin Laden and you

would have taken out Bin Laden and you

would have taken out Bin Laden and you
wouldn't have had the World Trade Center

wouldn't have had the World Trade Center

wouldn't have had the World Trade Center
tragedy.

tragedy.

tragedy.
>> Yeah, this is certainly going.

>> Yeah, this is certainly going.

>> Yeah, this is certainly going.
>> Did you know that? I predicted Bot

>> Did you know that? I predicted Bot

>> Did you know that? I predicted Bot
>> I learned something every day.

>> I learned something every day.

>> I learned something every day.
>> No, but did you hear that?

>> No, but did you hear that?

>> No, but did you hear that?
>> Well, now I just heard it right now.

>> Well, now I just heard it right now.

>> Well, now I just heard it right now.
>> No, I wrote a book. It was one year

>> No, I wrote a book. It was one year

>> No, I wrote a book. It was one year
before the attack that the book came out

before the attack that the book came out

before the attack that the book came out
and it talked about there's a whole

and it talked about there's a whole

and it talked about there's a whole
page, a whole section dedicated to a guy

page, a whole section dedicated to a guy

page, a whole section dedicated to a guy
named Bin Laden who's a bad guy who you

named Bin Laden who's a bad guy who you

named Bin Laden who's a bad guy who you
have to take out.

have to take out.

have to take out.
So, I'll get the book.

So, I'll get the book.

So, I'll get the book.
>> You don't have to get the book, Lindsay.

>> You don't have to get the book, Lindsay.

>> You don't have to get the book, Lindsay.
We checked. He says nothing of the kind.

We checked. He says nothing of the kind.

We checked. He says nothing of the kind.
There's a brief mention of Bin Laden

There's a brief mention of Bin Laden

There's a brief mention of Bin Laden
written two years after Clinton indicted

written two years after Clinton indicted

written two years after Clinton indicted
him on charges of terrorism and sent

him on charges of terrorism and sent

him on charges of terrorism and sent
cruise missiles in to destroy his camp.

cruise missiles in to destroy his camp.

cruise missiles in to destroy his camp.
There's no warning. There's no

There's no warning. There's no

There's no warning. There's no
prediction. There's none of that any of

prediction. There's none of that any of

prediction. There's none of that any of
that stuff. But I do look forward to

that stuff. But I do look forward to

that stuff. But I do look forward to
when Lindsey Graham gets the book and

when Lindsey Graham gets the book and

when Lindsey Graham gets the book and
sets the record straight. But so now

sets the record straight. But so now

sets the record straight. But so now
with Venezuela under his belt, Trump's

with Venezuela under his belt, Trump's

with Venezuela under his belt, Trump's
been ramping up threats on Mexico,

been ramping up threats on Mexico,

been ramping up threats on Mexico,
Colombia, even Greenland. He says we

Colombia, even Greenland. He says we

Colombia, even Greenland. He says we
need Greenland for national security,

need Greenland for national security,

need Greenland for national security,
and that the EU should make that happen

and that the EU should make that happen

and that the EU should make that happen
for Trump has always had a thing for

for Trump has always had a thing for

for Trump has always had a thing for
Greenland. It's um Greenland, it's cold,

Greenland. It's um Greenland, it's cold,

Greenland. It's um Greenland, it's cold,
it's icy, and white, just like the woman

it's icy, and white, just like the woman

it's icy, and white, just like the woman
he married. And so he feels and and of

he married. And so he feels and and of

he married. And so he feels and and of
course, China is very excited about all

course, China is very excited about all

course, China is very excited about all
this. They've been looking at Taiwan

this. They've been looking at Taiwan

this. They've been looking at Taiwan
like it's a tasty little piece of dim

like it's a tasty little piece of dim

like it's a tasty little piece of dim
sum and now anything goes. You could

sum and now anything goes. You could

sum and now anything goes. You could
just take what you want. It all seems

just take what you want. It all seems

just take what you want. It all seems
very It's almost comic book crazy. But

very It's almost comic book crazy. But

very It's almost comic book crazy. But
Trump says there's nothing wrong with

Trump says there's nothing wrong with

Trump says there's nothing wrong with
him. He said the White House doctors

him. He said the White House doctors

him. He said the White House doctors
have reported he's in perfect health and

have reported he's in perfect health and

have reported he's in perfect health and
that I aced meaning was correct on 100%

that I aced meaning was correct on 100%

that I aced meaning was correct on 100%
of the questions asked. He defines the

of the questions asked. He defines the

of the questions asked. He defines the
word aced for like we're the ones with

word aced for like we're the ones with

word aced for like we're the ones with
dementia. I aced for the third straight

dementia. I aced for the third straight

dementia. I aced for the third straight
time my cognitive exam. something which

time my cognitive exam. something which

time my cognitive exam. something which
no other president or previous vice

no other president or previous vice

no other president or previous vice
president was willing to take or asked

president was willing to take or asked

president was willing to take or asked
to take. By the way, these cognitive

to take. By the way, these cognitive

to take. By the way, these cognitive
exams, [laughter]

exams, [laughter]

exams, [laughter]
they're about as difficult as the maze

they're about as difficult as the maze

they're about as difficult as the maze
on the on the back of the of a box of

on the on the back of the of a box of

on the on the back of the of a box of
Captain Crunch. But he's still very

Captain Crunch. But he's still very

Captain Crunch. But he's still very
proud of his performance.

proud of his performance.

proud of his performance.
>> But I've taken now three cognitive

>> But I've taken now three cognitive

>> But I've taken now three cognitive
tests. I've got I've aced every single

tests. I've got I've aced every single

tests. I've got I've aced every single
one of them. And

one of them. And

one of them. And
[applause and cheering]

they're clapping for that. Listen,

they're clapping for that. Listen,
[laughter] I'm not sure being asked to

[laughter] I'm not sure being asked to

[laughter] I'm not sure being asked to
take three cognitive exams is quite the

take three cognitive exams is quite the

take three cognitive exams is quite the
flex he thinks it is.

flex he thinks it is.

flex he thinks it is.
>> I did something no other president's

>> I did something no other president's

>> I did something no other president's
ever done. I took cognitive tests

ever done. I took cognitive tests

ever done. I took cognitive tests
because I know that. And by the way, not

because I know that. And by the way, not

because I know that. And by the way, not
easy.

easy.

easy.
>> Not easy. Oh, well, tell us about the

>> Not easy. Oh, well, tell us about the

>> Not easy. Oh, well, tell us about the
questions you answered.

questions you answered.

questions you answered.
>> You know, the first question is like,

>> You know, the first question is like,

>> You know, the first question is like,
what is this? And they show a lion, a

what is this? And they show a lion, a

what is this? And they show a lion, a
giraffe, a fish,

giraffe, a fish,

giraffe, a fish,
and a hippopotamus, right?

and a hippopotamus, right?

and a hippopotamus, right?
and they say which is the giraffe.

and they say which is the giraffe.

and they say which is the giraffe.
So that's the only question. But what

So that's the only question. But what

So that's the only question. But what
happens is it then gets harder

happens is it then gets harder

happens is it then gets harder
[laughter]

[laughter]

[laughter]
harder than that. I don't I find that

harder than that. I don't I find that

harder than that. I don't I find that
hard to believe. You know, we've been

hard to believe. You know, we've been

hard to believe. You know, we've been
hearing so much about these cognitive

hearing so much about these cognitive

hearing so much about these cognitive
tests. He keeps acing. You guys know

tests. He keeps acing. You guys know

tests. He keeps acing. You guys know
what ACE means? [laughter] Okay. All

what ACE means? [laughter] Okay. All

what ACE means? [laughter] Okay. All
right. And I've offered him the

right. And I've offered him the

right. And I've offered him the
opportunity to take the test live on

opportunity to take the test live on

opportunity to take the test live on
television. He still hasn't gotten back

television. He still hasn't gotten back

television. He still hasn't gotten back
to me on it. So, in the interest of

to me on it. So, in the interest of

to me on it. So, in the interest of
fairness and also to get a sense of what

fairness and also to get a sense of what

fairness and also to get a sense of what
he keeps babbling about, we got in touch

he keeps babbling about, we got in touch

he keeps babbling about, we got in touch
with a doctor who gives this test

with a doctor who gives this test

with a doctor who gives this test
regularly, these cognitive exams, and I

regularly, these cognitive exams, and I

regularly, these cognitive exams, and I
asked her to administer one uh to me.

asked her to administer one uh to me.

asked her to administer one uh to me.
This is the official exam administered

This is the official exam administered

This is the official exam administered
by a medical professional. I did not see

by a medical professional. I did not see

by a medical professional. I did not see
the questions ahead of time, and I'm

the questions ahead of time, and I'm

the questions ahead of time, and I'm
willing to release the full unedited

willing to release the full unedited

willing to release the full unedited
version if necessary. But with that

version if necessary. But with that

version if necessary. But with that
said, let's find out just how difficult

said, let's find out just how difficult

said, let's find out just how difficult
this big, beautiful test is and how my

this big, beautiful test is and how my

this big, beautiful test is and how my
brain stacks up against our stable

brain stacks up against our stable

brain stacks up against our stable
genius presidents.

[laughter] So, this is Dr. Swanson. What

[laughter] So, this is Dr. Swanson. What
kind of doctor are you, Dr. Swanson?

kind of doctor are you, Dr. Swanson?

kind of doctor are you, Dr. Swanson?
>> I'm an internal medicine doctor.

>> I'm an internal medicine doctor.

>> I'm an internal medicine doctor.
>> And that means inside, right?

>> And that means inside, right?

>> And that means inside, right?
>> Yes.

>> Yes.

>> Yes.
>> Do I pass?

>> Do I pass?

>> Do I pass?
>> It's a good start, though, right? Real

>> It's a good start, though, right? Real

>> It's a good start, though, right? Real
solid start.

solid start.

solid start.
>> Good start.

>> Good start.

>> Good start.
>> What kind of people typically get this

>> What kind of people typically get this

>> What kind of people typically get this
cognitive exam? It's usually for our

cognitive exam? It's usually for our

cognitive exam? It's usually for our
patients that are 65 and over as part of

patients that are 65 and over as part of

patients that are 65 and over as part of
their annual physical.

their annual physical.

their annual physical.
>> If I do poorly, will it affect my credit

>> If I do poorly, will it affect my credit

>> If I do poorly, will it affect my credit
score?

score?

score?
>> Okay. Should I take my shirt off?

>> Okay. Should I take my shirt off?

>> Okay. Should I take my shirt off?
>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah.
>> All right. Should we get started?

>> All right. Should we get started?

>> All right. Should we get started?
>> Sure. Let me get the test out.

>> Sure. Let me get the test out.

>> Sure. Let me get the test out.
>> Is this the one that President Trump

>> Is this the one that President Trump

>> Is this the one that President Trump
takes?

takes?

takes?
>> I believe so.

>> I believe so.

>> I believe so.
>> Oh, great. So, we'll really be able to

>> Oh, great. So, we'll really be able to

>> Oh, great. So, we'll really be able to
compare apples to apples here. Or in his

compare apples to apples here. Or in his

compare apples to apples here. Or in his
case,

case,

case,
>> orange. Right. Okay.

>> orange. Right. Okay.

>> orange. Right. Okay.
>> So, I'm going to give you a pen.

>> So, I'm going to give you a pen.

>> So, I'm going to give you a pen.
>> Okay. Thank you. And then I want you to

>> Okay. Thank you. And then I want you to

>> Okay. Thank you. And then I want you to
start.

start.

start.
>> How do you work this?

>> How do you work this?

>> How do you work this?
>> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right.
>> I want you to draw a line between a

>> I want you to draw a line between a

>> I want you to draw a line between a
number and a letter in ascending order.

number and a letter in ascending order.

number and a letter in ascending order.
So they already started this for you. So

So they already started this for you. So

So they already started this for you. So
there's a line between the one and the A

there's a line between the one and the A

there's a line between the one and the A
and then the A to the two. And then you

and then the A to the two. And then you

and then the A to the two. And then you
keep going until you get to the E.

keep going until you get to the E.

keep going until you get to the E.
>> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay.
>> And then in the next box,

>> And then in the next box,

>> And then in the next box,
>> I'm going to have you draw this design

>> I'm going to have you draw this design

>> I'm going to have you draw this design
in the space below.

in the space below.

in the space below.
>> Okay.

And then in this side, I'm going to have

And then in this side, I'm going to have
you draw a clock face. So, a circle and

you draw a clock face. So, a circle and

you draw a clock face. So, a circle and
then all the numbers. And then once you

then all the numbers. And then once you

then all the numbers. And then once you
have all those on there, I'll tell you

have all those on there, I'll tell you

have all those on there, I'll tell you
what time to draw the hands pointing to.

what time to draw the hands pointing to.

what time to draw the hands pointing to.
>> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right.
>> And then I want you to draw the time as

>> And then I want you to draw the time as

>> And then I want you to draw the time as
1110.

1110.

1110.
>> 1110. A little one

>> 1110. A little one

>> 1110. A little one
and a big one.

and a big one.

and a big one.
>> Tell me the name of this animal.

>> Tell me the name of this animal.

>> Tell me the name of this animal.
>> That's a lion.

>> That's a lion.

>> That's a lion.
>> And then tell me the name of that

>> And then tell me the name of that

>> And then tell me the name of that
animal.

animal.

animal.
>> That's a rhino. And then tell me the

>> That's a rhino. And then tell me the

>> That's a rhino. And then tell me the
name of that animal.

name of that animal.

name of that animal.
>> That's a camel. I just saw Zootopia, so

>> That's a camel. I just saw Zootopia, so

>> That's a camel. I just saw Zootopia, so
I know all the answers.

I know all the answers.

I know all the answers.
>> Very good. The next is the real meat of

>> Very good. The next is the real meat of

>> Very good. The next is the real meat of
the memory task. I'm going to read you

the memory task. I'm going to read you

the memory task. I'm going to read you
some words.

some words.

some words.
>> We're going to go through it twice just

>> We're going to go through it twice just

>> We're going to go through it twice just
so it really goes to an important part

so it really goes to an important part

so it really goes to an important part
of your brain so you don't forget it

of your brain so you don't forget it

of your brain so you don't forget it
later.

later.

later.
>> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay.
>> So, the words are face, [music] velvet,

>> So, the words are face, [music] velvet,

>> So, the words are face, [music] velvet,
church, daisy, and red.

church, daisy, and red.

church, daisy, and red.
>> Face, velvet, church, daisy, red.

>> Face, velvet, church, daisy, red.

>> Face, velvet, church, daisy, red.
>> Okay. And then for the next part of the

>> Okay. And then for the next part of the

>> Okay. And then for the next part of the
test, I'm going to have you uh repeat

test, I'm going to have you uh repeat

test, I'm going to have you uh repeat
numbers after me. Um, so the numbers are

numbers after me. Um, so the numbers are

numbers after me. Um, so the numbers are
21854.

21854.

21854.
>> 21854.

>> 21854.

>> 21854.
>> Next one. Um, I'm going to read read a

>> Next one. Um, I'm going to read read a

>> Next one. Um, I'm going to read read a
string of number or a string of letters.

string of number or a string of letters.

string of number or a string of letters.
>> You know, you messed up there, right?

>> You know, you messed up there, right?

>> You know, you messed up there, right?
>> I did. I lost a point. Yeah. Um, every

>> I did. I lost a point. Yeah. Um, every

>> I did. I lost a point. Yeah. Um, every
time I say the letter A, I want you to

time I say the letter A, I want you to

time I say the letter A, I want you to
tap your hand on the table. Every time I

tap your hand on the table. Every time I

tap your hand on the table. Every time I
say a letter that's not A, don't tap

say a letter that's not A, don't tap

say a letter that's not A, don't tap
your hand.

your hand.

your hand.
>> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Okay.
>> A A A J K L B.

>> A A A J K L B.

>> A A A J K L B.
>> It's really good, right?

>> It's really good, right?

>> It's really good, right?
>> You're great.

>> You're great.

>> You're great.
>> Almost musical.

>> Almost musical.

>> Almost musical.
>> Yeah. Um, the next one I'm going to have

>> Yeah. Um, the next one I'm going to have

>> Yeah. Um, the next one I'm going to have
you do some math. And so we're going to

you do some math. And so we're going to

you do some math. And so we're going to
start at 100 and subtract seven. What do

start at 100 and subtract seven. What do

start at 100 and subtract seven. What do
you get?

you get?

you get?
>> 93. [music]

>> 93. [music]

>> 93. [music]
>> 93 - 7

>> 93 - 7

>> 93 - 7
>> 86

>> 86

>> 86
>> - 7

>> - 7

>> - 7
>> 79.

>> 79.

>> 79.
>> I'm going to read a sentence and you're

>> I'm going to read a sentence and you're

>> I'm going to read a sentence and you're
just going to repeat the sentence after

just going to repeat the sentence after

just going to repeat the sentence after
me. I only know that John is the one to

me. I only know that John is the one to

me. I only know that John is the one to
help today.

help today.

help today.
>> I only know that John is the one to help

>> I only know that John is the one to help

>> I only know that John is the one to help
today.

today.

today.
>> Tell me as many words that you can think

>> Tell me as many words that you can think

>> Tell me as many words that you can think
of with the letter F. Ready, set, go.

of with the letter F. Ready, set, go.

of with the letter F. Ready, set, go.
Fart, fish, flop, fan, funk,

Fart, fish, flop, fan, funk,

Fart, fish, flop, fan, funk,
frantic,

frantic,

frantic,
friend,

friend,

friend,
flop, flip,

flop, flip,

flop, flip,
flow,

flow,

flow,
feel,

feel,

feel,
freezing. [music]

freezing. [music]

freezing. [music]
>> Okay, you already got a goal of 11 words

>> Okay, you already got a goal of 11 words

>> Okay, you already got a goal of 11 words
and you still have 42 seconds to spare.

and you still have 42 seconds to spare.

and you still have 42 seconds to spare.
So,

So,

So,
>> what words do you think Trump came up

>> what words do you think Trump came up

>> what words do you think Trump came up
with for the letter F?

with for the letter F?

with for the letter F?
>> Let's see.

>> Let's see.

>> Let's see.
>> No comment. finances,

>> No comment. finances,

>> No comment. finances,
French fries, fat.

French fries, fat.

French fries, fat.
>> Okay?

>> Okay?

>> Okay?
>> And then for the next part, I'm going to

>> And then for the next part, I'm going to

>> And then for the next part, I'm going to
tell you two words, and I want you to

tell you two words, and I want you to

tell you two words, and I want you to
tell me how they're similar. Train and

tell me how they're similar. Train and

tell me how they're similar. Train and
bicycle,

bicycle,

bicycle,
>> modes of transportation.

>> modes of transportation.

>> modes of transportation.
>> And then back to those five words I told

>> And then back to those five words I told

>> And then back to those five words I told
you earlier. Can you recall any of those

you earlier. Can you recall any of those

you earlier. Can you recall any of those
words? Oh, uh, church.

words? Oh, uh, church.

words? Oh, uh, church.
Um,

Um,

Um,
velvet [music]

velvet [music]

velvet [music]
face.

face.

face.
Was it red

Was it red

Was it red
and daisy?

and daisy?

and daisy?
>> Perfect. Um, so let me just add

>> Perfect. Um, so let me just add

>> Perfect. Um, so let me just add
everything up here. You got a perfect

everything up here. You got a perfect

everything up here. You got a perfect
score.

score.

score.
>> So I can be president. [applause]

>> So I can be president. [applause]

>> So I can be president. [applause]
>> And by the way, Manny's [music]