All language subtitles for The Golden Girls - 06x26 - Henny Penny-Straight, No Chaser.

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road
and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest
gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached
would say

♪ "Thank you
for being a friend" ♪

Oh my gosh.
It's only one week till spring break?

And I have so much to do.

I have to get new T-shirts
for the wet T-shirt contest...

You know, I'm actually looking
forward to spring break this year.

College kids.

America's best and brightest
are coming to town.

It'll be nice
to get mooned again.

It's more than that, Ma.

I'm talking
about my school's project

to get kids to read
during spring vacation.

We're putting on
a series of plays

based on favorite
children's stories.

And guess what.

I have just been made producer
of the first-grade production.

This is all you have, Dorothy, so
I'm going to be happy for you.

No, you know,
I'm really excited about this.

We're doing Henny Penny.

You know, "Help, help!
The sky is falling."

Oh, that was never one of my favorites.
There's no prince in it.

I like a fairy tale
with a nice prince in it.

A handsome prince with a big ol'
codpiece and deep dark eyes

and powerful thighs

and muscles rippling
beneath his tunic.

Blanche, you could get
aroused by "Humpty Dumpty."

Are you kiddin'? "All the king's
horses and all the king's men."

Handsome men
with deep dark eyes

and powerful thighs

and muscles
and big ol' codpieces.

Blanche, how do you
make it through an omelet?

78. Yes.

64. Yes!

81. Yes!
Ma, what are you doing?

Reading the obituaries
and checking out the people

who died younger than I am now.

83. Close one.

68. Whoa!

What is it?
You.

What about me?
You're dead.

Say what? I told you.
You're dead.

You must be.
It says so in the paper.

"Blanche Devereaux.
Age 68." (gasps) 68?

Oh, that's terrible.

They're almost as far off
on your age as you are.

I wonder how
this could've happened.

I know how it happened, 'cause
I know who took that picture.

Chugger Dietz,
the obituary editor.

I never dreamed when I dropped
him he'd be so vindictive.

68. Can you
believe that? 68?

And dead.
Don't forget dead.

I'm going down to that
newspaper this minute.

Not only am I gonna
get Chugger fired,

if I hurry I can get 'em to print a
retraction in this afternoon's edition.

68.
And dead.

What are people gonna think?

They'll think it's time
to elect a new town slut.

Mail call. Ah, Ma.

Here's a letter
for you from Palermo.

Oh, it's the latest chess move

from my old rival
Serafina Gambrotsi.

Ma, how long has this chess
game by mail been going on?

What, it must be
ten years now, huh?

And it's going to keep on going
until I beat Serafina at something.

What are you talking about?
Picture it. Sicily, 1920.

Serafina and I were both crazy
about Marco the Goat Boy.

In appearance, an Adonis.
In behavior, horny as a toad.

Little did I know he had a
thing for hairy fat girls.

If I were fatter
and hairier, Dorothy,

Marco the Goat Boy
could've been your father.

I think we all grieve.

Ma, that was 70 years ago.
I was sure you'd forgotten.

I forget nothing.
So, any mail?

(doorbell rings)

Oh, Frank.
Come on in.

Ma, Frank Nann.
Frank, my mother.

Hello, Frank.

Ma, Frank is directing
the production of Henny Penny.

Not anymore I'm not.

One of the kids in the play
came down with the measles.

Because the audience
is going to be children, too,

the entire cast
has been quarantined.

Oh, what are we gonna do?
I guess we'll have to cancel.

Oh, no, we can't cancel.

First grade is when kids
take an interest in reading.

Why can't we recast it
with adults?

Where are we
going to find an adult

with the childlike naiveté
to play Henny Penny?

Hi.

Oh, you're not
gonna believe it.

I just saw a cloud that looked
exactly like a cotton ball.

My God, she is Henny Penny.

I beg your pardon?

Frank Nann, Rose Nylund.

Rose, my entire cast
has been quarantined.

We're in a real bind.

How would you like
to play Henny Penny?

Well, I have enjoyed
playing a hen in the past.

Oh, fill us in.

Parade, honeymoon or
religious ceremony? Theater.

The St. Olaf Masquers'
production of Hamlet.

I don't right off recall
a hen in Hamlet.

Oh, we set the play
in a barnyard.

Luckily the symphony was
out of town at the time.

Can I take it then that you
will play Henny Penny?

I'm your chicken.

Great, I'll set the oven
for 425.

Well, Frank Nann.

I haven't seen you since
that weekend in Pensacola.

Goosey Loosey.

That's right.

We did have fun,
Squeezy Wheezy.

No, no, I mean you'd be perfect
for the part of Goosey Loosey.

We've had to recast
Henny Penny.

I'm playing Henny.

Oh, and Frank's directing?

Oh, what fun!
I would love to.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Then all we have to do is just order
the costumes and change a few lines

so that it makes sense that the two
of you are playing those characters.

Now, listen, Dorothy, since both of your
housemates are going to be in the play,

why don't you play
Turkey Lurkey?

Oh come on. No, no, no.

No, that's out of the question.

Why? You'd be perfect.

"Turkey Lurkey" was your
nickname in high school.

Ma, it was not.

Really? That's what
they called you at the PTA.

Come on, Dorothy.
It'll be fun.

Yeah, come on.
Be a trouper.

Well, I did once do a production
of Showboat in high school,

and everyone said
I was pretty good.

No one can sing "Old Man
River" like my Dorothy.

Then you're saying
you'll do it?

Well, it is my production,

and as they say,
"The show must go on."

Aw, Pussycat.
It'll be like the old days.

Come on, just one more time.

♪ Get a little drunk

♪ And you land in jail

I still got it.

Yes! I've got that tub of
guts where I want her.

My queen's knight
attacks her king.

Banzai!

Ma, how did two
Sicilian peasant girls

ever become interested
in chess?

Chess is like war,
only cheaper.

It's the perfect game
for Sicily,

a country very warlike
and dead-ass broke.

Well, they printed
the retraction.

Let me see it.

I can't find it.
Of course you can't.

It's way down at the
bottom in itty-bitty type.

"Our ad in yesterday's paper
should have read

'Sit Well Cortisone Salve
Prevents Hemorrhoids, '

not 'Presents Hemorrhoids.'"

Below that.

Oh, nobody's ever
gonna even see it.

Everybody's gonna
still think I'm 68.

And dead. Why does she
keep forgetting dead?

This is horrible.

As Big Daddy used to say,

"I'm feeling lower than the
rent on a burnin' building."

That's funny. I used to live
in a burning building.

And it was cheap.

It was Charlie's
and my first house.

Well, scoff if you must,
but it was warm and toasty.

I'll never forget Charlie
throwing me over his shoulder

and dashing
across the threshold.

Oh, it was a beautiful place.

Three bedrooms, two baths.

Then two bedrooms and one bath.

Eventually,
we outgrew the place.

Rose, come on now. You haven't said
a word since we left rehearsal.

Nobody told me Henny
Penny ended that way.

Nobody told me
it was a tragedy.

Rose, you've been rehearsing
for three days.

Why are you makin' a scene now?

Well, that was the first time
we rehearsed the ending.

I didn't know that Turkey
and Henny and Goosey

were all eaten by Foxy Loxy.

Oh, the humanity.

Rose, you mean you didn't even look
at the end of the play until today?

If there's one thing I remember
about my wedding night,

it's Charlie telling me
it's impolite to peek.

Rose, the play isn't real.
It's a fairy tale.

Not all stories end happily,

and children
have to learn that.

You call yourself a teacher?

It's people like you
who are responsible

for all the evil
on this planet.

I guess I had that coming.

I'm not gonna stand by and see
innocent children exposed

to that horror story
of unprovoked violence

and ghastly death.

Rose, the play goes on
in two days.

Well, I can't do this.

You're just gonna have to get
yourself another Henny Penny.

Rose, honey,

there's no reason to be upset
about Henny Penny.

Fairy tales just show kids
how complicated life can be,

and it does it on their terms.

I remember when I first read Snow
White and the Seven Dwarfs,

it had a profound influence
on me.

Seven lonely men...

...livin' in the woods,
needin' a woman.

All of 'em with Napoleon
complexes, somethin' to prove.

And jobs, Blanche.
They all had jobs.

In a diamond mine.

All I'm trying to say is we
had fairy tales in St. Olaf

that weren't violent,

and they had
positive role models.

Like Gus and the Recliner...

...Gunilla Gets a Catalog,

and Ilsa, the Girl Who
Could Make Bad Food Good.

Look, Rose, if you don't do the
part, there won't be any play.

Now, this is a project
that I care about deeply,

but I don't want you
doing it for my sake, Rose.

Do it for the kids.

It's a chance
to get them reading.

All right, all right,
I'll do it.

And not just for the kids.

I just feel it's time I gave something
back to the chicken community.

After all, a chicken
once saved my life.

They are the stupidest birds.

Any mail for me?
Mm, no.

No condolence cards?

Well, where's
the outpouring of grief

from all the many, many men

whose lives I have left
barren and empty?

Maybe they just don't know you
by your real name.

Well, here it is!
Serafina's next chess move.

Perfect. I already know
my next move.

And when Serafina sees it, her hair
will fall out, her heart will stop,

her eyes will burn
like a thousand red-hot suns.

(cackles)

Ma, why do you keep playing this
game if you hate her so much?

To relax.
(doorbell rings)

Flowers for Blanche Deverucks.

No, that's "Devereaux."

It's only pronounced "Deverucks"
in limericks.

Well, Blanche, here you are.
You say nobody cares about you?

What do you say now?

Oh! From Mel Bushman.
Good ol' Mel.

The only person
I can always count on.

"Dear Blanche,
when I heard of your death,

"it made me realize you don't know
what you have till you've lost it.

So I'm back with my ex-wife.
Love, Mel."

Now that is
the most insensitive thing

I have ever heard.

"P.S. Sorry I missed
your birthday. Happy 68th."

It doesn't say that.

I know.
I made that part up.

Ma, why are you always trying
to aggravate everyone?

To relax.

(♪ piano)

(children cheering)

"Once upon a time

"on a beautiful spring day,

"Henny Penny was waking up
from a nap under an oak tree

"when an acorn fell
from the tree

and hit her on the head."

Funny, when I was a little girl in
Sicily and they told this story,

it was a safe that fell
on her head.

"Anyway, Henny Penny
being a chicken,

"not the brightest bird
in the world,

immediately jumped
to the wrong conclusion."

Oh, dear.

♪ A piece of blue sky
just fell on my head

♪ The wherefore and why
is best left unsaid

♪ But I have a hunch
and it's appalling

♪ That like it or not,
the sky is falling ♪

"Henny decided to take action."

I should go and warn the king!

"And off she went.

"On her way, Henny came
upon Goosey Loosey..."

"...one of the most popular
birds in the barnyard."

The most popular.

And the eighth graders
are seeing a play today

about how to be
that popular safely.

Well, Henny Penny,
I do declare, honey,

where are you rushing off to?

The sky is falling.
I'm off to warn the king.

Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure.

I don't need something to hit me in
the head in order to get the message.

Actually, in this case,
it did hit me in the head.

Oh, dear!

♪ A piece of up there
just landed down here

♪ You better beware,
the message is clear

♪ Though millions may find
the prospect galling

♪ It's run for your life,
the sky is falling ♪

This is terrible.
I think we best both go warn the king.

"And off they went.

"On their way, Henny Penny

"and Goosey Loosey

came upon Turkey Lurkey."

Yes, poor lonely Turkey Lurkey.

Poor dateless,
hopeless, self-basting -

Ma!

And where are you two
featherheads fluttering off to?

Terrible news.
The sky is falling! What?!

A piece of it hit me in the head.
Are you sure?

Doesn't she act as if something
hit her in the head?

We're off to warn the king.

Oh, dear!

♪ A piece of blue sky
just did what they said

♪ Don't stand there and sigh

♪ Get under the bed

♪ Don't stop to complain,
it's no good grumbling

♪ 'Cause this isn't rain,
the sky is crumbling ♪

Oh, this is terrible news.

I think we best all go
warn the king.

"And off they went."

"On their way, Henny Penny,
Goosey Loosey and Turkey Lurkey

came upon Foxy Loxy."

Ladies, ladies, why are
you in such a hurry?

Stop and smell the flowers.

We can't.
The sky is falling.

Run that by me once again?

Ohh.

♪ A piece of blue sky

♪ Just fell on her head
♪ Just fell on my head

♪ The wherefore and why
are best left unsaid

♪ But we have a hunch,
and it's appalling

♪ That like it or not,
the sky is falling ♪

Help!

♪ Disaster is near

Help!

♪ We're tremblin' with fear

Help.

♪ The outlook is drear

♪ We're dreadin' Armageddon
may disrupt our career

♪ And though he may refuse
the news we bring

♪ We must fly and try
to warn the king ♪

(applause)

This is terrible news indeed.

But it is good luck for all of
us that we ran into each other.

It so happens I know a
shortcut to the palace.

Really? Yes. Through my den.

There's a service
entrance in the rear.

Oh, thank you...

Thank you so much.

We'll never forget this.

You're right. I lied.
There is no service entrance.

♪ A piece of good luck
just fell in my lap

♪ Three strangers who cluck,
well, it's their mishap

♪ These friends who dropped in
don't look suspicious

♪ But check out my grin,
they look delicious

♪ To me these feathered fools
are so much meat

♪ I and mine shall dine

♪ Bon appétit ♪

(laughing)

(applause)

"And from that day to this,

"Turkey Lurkey,
Goosey Loosey and Henny Penny

were never seen -"
Stop!

Children, kids, it's up to you.

I mean, if you want to save us

and not have us eaten
by Foxy Loxy, applaud.

I mean it!

I mean, clap now
if you want to see

the goose and the chicken
and the turkey live.

Come on, put your little hands
together.

Save us,
and you won't have bad dreams.

Clap, you miserable -

Come on, Henny,
let's get it over with.

But what about their bad dreams?
Let's go. Come on.

Fine. But I just want you
all to know

there are monsters living
under all your beds.

Uh-oh.

I don't think Serafina's a
worthy opponent for me anymore.

Why not, Sophia?
I'm afraid she's losing it.

I just got her next chess move.

She bid four spades.

Well, the reviews
are finally in.

And according to the elementary
school paper, the show was a big hit.

They have their own newspaper?

How cute.
Read it, Dorothy.

"I saw the play yesterday.
It was good.

"It was called Henny Penny.

The actors were good,
especially Turkey Lurkey."

"And the others were good, too.

My friends and I
all liked it."

See, Dorothy? I knew my ending
wouldn't hurt the play.

Oh, no, the show
was a big success.

In fact the library's
been busier than ever.

The kids are really
getting excited about reading.

Where's Blanche?
She should see this review.

Oh, yes, and I hope it makes her feel better.
I've been worried about her.

Ever since she got those
flowers from Mel Bushman,

she hasn't been herself.

Well, I'm off
to the Rusty Anchor.

Spring break comes
but once a year.