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1
00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:04,872
Okay, it's
your birthday,
2
00:00:04,938 --> 00:00:06,340
and we're going
to a ball game
3
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,508
and we've only got
three tickets.
4
00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:08,309
Cool.
5
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:09,210
It's not his birthday.
6
00:00:09,277 --> 00:00:10,778
What else you get me?
7
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,380
It's not your birthday.
Charlie, what's going on?
8
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:13,814
I've got a very delicate
situation here,
9
00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,150
and I need to appear
as if I have plans today.
10
00:00:16,217 --> 00:00:18,119
Does your delicate situation
have a name?
11
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,121
I'm sure she does.
Just follow my lead.
12
00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:21,822
Dodgers or Angels?
13
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:22,990
Let's say Dodgers.
14
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,025
See, the kid knows
how to do this.
15
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:26,960
I'll get my mitt.
16
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,929
Oh, boy, ball game.
17
00:00:28,996 --> 00:00:30,831
Now that's commitment.
18
00:00:30,898 --> 00:00:33,934
That's not commitment,
that's lead paint
in the nursery.
19
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,770
WOMAN:
Hey, Steve, you down there?
20
00:00:36,837 --> 00:00:38,005
Oh, yeah,
21
00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,440
and my name's Steve.
22
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:40,708
Coming.
23
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,443
Charlie, Charlie,
I am not going to lie
24
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:44,778
to some poor woman
just so you can dump her.
25
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:46,647
I am not "dumping" her.
26
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,616
We've just... grown apart.
27
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,485
Since you picked her up
at a bar last night?
28
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:53,087
People change.
29
00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:54,988
(knock at door)
30
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,357
EVELYN:
Hello?
31
00:00:56,424 --> 00:00:57,658
Oh, God.
32
00:00:57,725 --> 00:01:00,027
In here, Mom.
33
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:03,063
So what are my boys
up to today?
34
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:09,603
We're going to a Dodger
game and we've only
got three tickets.
35
00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:12,773
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
36
00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:15,743
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
37
00:01:17,411 --> 00:01:18,379
So...
38
00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,448
you're on your way
to a ball game.
39
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:23,083
Yep. It's a little treat
for Jake's birthday.
40
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,752
That was months ago.
41
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:29,357
We were waiting
for bobble head day.
42
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:34,728
It's good for Jake to see
other bobble heads.
43
00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:37,498
Hey, Dad, I just checked online.
44
00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,567
Dodgers are in San Francisco
today.
45
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:45,406
Yes, well... we'd better
get going, then.
46
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,743
It's quite a drive.
47
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:53,281
Must you continue with this
pathetic little charade?
48
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:56,450
At this point,
we're kind of committed.
49
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:58,852
All right, all right,
we're not going to a ball game.
50
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:00,120
We're not?
51
00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:02,089
Man, this is the worst
birthday ever.
52
00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,292
Why do you have to lie to me?
53
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:07,127
We don't have to.
It's a choice we make.
54
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:10,198
Well, you both might find
this all amusing,
55
00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:13,701
but I do have feelings
and I can be hurt.
56
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,403
Sorry, Mom.
57
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:17,338
It's just crushing to know
58
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:19,473
that my own sons
think so little of me.
59
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:22,476
Really? After
all this time?
60
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:23,244
Charlie.
61
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,745
We're both sorry.
62
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,647
Is there anything we can do
to make it up to you?
63
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,549
Well, as a matter of fact,
there is.
64
00:02:28,616 --> 00:02:30,618
You just walked
right into that.
65
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,754
Teddy is out of town
and I need an escort
66
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,656
for the Civic Light Opera
benefit this evening.
67
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:38,559
Why don't you try one
of those escort services?
68
00:02:38,626 --> 00:02:41,329
Charlie, if I were going to pay
$200 an hour for a man,
69
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,231
I would not be taking him
to the opera.
70
00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:45,165
That's fair.
71
00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:47,167
Well, I'd love to help
you out, Mom,
72
00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:48,502
but I have a date tonight.
73
00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,538
Oh.
74
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:54,074
So now it's inflatable sex doll
night at Dodger Stadium.
75
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:57,545
No. No, I really have a date.
76
00:02:57,611 --> 00:03:00,914
And the doll was a gag gift
from one of my patients.
77
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,683
Charlie, what about you?
78
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:05,986
I tried it once,
but I prefer a real woman.
79
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:09,189
Do you have plans this evening?
80
00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,191
Oh, I... well...
81
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:14,061
WOMAN:
Hey, Steve.
In here.
82
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:16,063
As a matter of fact,
I do have plans.
83
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,999
I have a very special lady
friend over for the weekend.
84
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:21,168
And here she is now.
85
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,504
Hey, baby.
Hi.
86
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:25,939
Excuse me.
87
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:29,209
(retching)
88
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:32,480
Isn't she something?
89
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,115
(retching)
90
00:03:35,182 --> 00:03:39,387
Okay, but get a town car,
'cause I ain't going sober.
91
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,128
Your town car's here.
92
00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:49,697
Terrific.
93
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:50,931
Come on.
94
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:53,867
Now I have been to a lot
of these things with Mom,
95
00:03:53,934 --> 00:03:56,036
and I know you think
it's going to be bad,
96
00:03:56,103 --> 00:03:58,939
but believe me, it's going to be
worse than you can even imagine.
97
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:01,742
You're really enjoying
this, aren't you?
98
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:04,011
You just love seeing me
unhappy.
99
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:07,348
Well... yeah.
100
00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:08,949
I mean, did you feel
sorry for me
101
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:11,084
when I had to wear
that cowboy outfit
102
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,219
to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?
103
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,954
That was different.
104
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,989
How?
It was you.
105
00:04:16,056 --> 00:04:19,192
Yeah, well, now it's you.
106
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,862
Yippee-ky-yay,
mother-accompanier.
107
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,002
Want a few tips?
108
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,438
Like what?
109
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:31,805
Well, let's see,
110
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,774
Mom likes to starve
herself for a few days
111
00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:36,176
before these events so she
can fit into her gown.
112
00:04:36,243 --> 00:04:40,147
That means she'll be knocking
back vodka gimlets on a
completely empty stomach.
113
00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,982
Aw, geez.
114
00:04:42,049 --> 00:04:43,751
She can be a cranky drunk.
115
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:44,918
Cranky?
116
00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:49,022
I got bitch-slapped with
my own ten-gallon hat.
117
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:52,793
So what's the tip?
Don't wear a ten-gallon hat?
118
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:56,163
All you have to do
is bring along a little
baggie of crackers.
119
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,031
You know, saltines, goldfish,
120
00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:01,001
anything you can stuff down her
throat to soak up the booze.
121
00:05:01,068 --> 00:05:03,270
How about a throw pillow?
122
00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:07,240
Oh, and whatever you do, don't
let her take off her shoes.
123
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,709
Why not?
124
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,944
Well, A) you'll be
carrying them all night,
125
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:13,747
and B) you'll wind up giving her
a foot massage in the lobby,
126
00:05:13,814 --> 00:05:15,816
and that's not something
anybody wants to see.
127
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,217
Oh, God.
128
00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:20,854
Not to mention the fact that
it puts you on bunion patrol.
129
00:05:22,523 --> 00:05:25,158
Anyway, have fun.
130
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:27,595
I'm off to pick up
a beautiful,
131
00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:30,498
smart, funny, sexually available
woman
132
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,900
who, best of all,
is not my mother.
133
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:36,437
Give it time.
You'll get her there.
134
00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,474
In consideration of the evening
you have ahead of you,
135
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,910
I'm gonna let you have that one.
136
00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:50,884
Yeah, these are the good times.
137
00:05:55,122 --> 00:05:57,558
Another gimlet please.
138
00:05:57,625 --> 00:06:01,061
You sure you don't
want a Wheat Thin?
139
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:02,930
Mmm, wheaty.
140
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:06,133
No. I need the liquor
to dull the pain.
141
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,635
My shoes are killing me.
142
00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:09,403
Yeah, but they
look wonderful
on your feet,
143
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:10,638
right where they are now.
144
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,173
Oh, look who's over there.
145
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,608
Who?
146
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:17,611
One of the most powerful
union leaders in Hollywood.
147
00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:18,812
What about him?
148
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,350
Really? The mob?
149
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:28,221
Yeah, they say he killed
a writer once just to
make a point.
150
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:29,923
What was the point?
151
00:06:29,990 --> 00:06:32,560
"I can kill a writer."
152
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,897
And the silver-haired man
he's talking to?
Yeah?
153
00:06:36,964 --> 00:06:41,068
That is the king of vaginal
rejuvenation surgery,
154
00:06:41,134 --> 00:06:46,106
but interestingly, he's
never used one himself,
rejuvenated or otherwise.
155
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:50,644
Wouldn't that make him the
queen of vaginal surgery?
156
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,880
Good for you, Charlie.
157
00:06:52,946 --> 00:06:56,216
I wish I'd thought of that,
and from now on I did.
158
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:57,951
It's yours.
159
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,353
So, what other
dirt you got?
160
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:04,324
Oh, darling, you know I don't
like to speak ill of anyone.
161
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,794
(both laughing)
162
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,261
All right.
163
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:11,331
Bankrupt, embezzler,
tushie tuck,
164
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,033
bigamist, pill freak
165
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:14,602
and that one over there
166
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:18,305
underwent surgery to have
a cell phone removed from
his lower intestine.
167
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:19,473
Ouch.
168
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:21,074
How in the world
did it get there?
169
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:24,044
One can speculate,
but I have it on
good authority
170
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,846
that it was set to vibrate.
171
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,550
How do you know
all these things?
172
00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:30,884
Oh, Charlie,
173
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,621
it's my business
to know these things.
174
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:39,226
High end real estate is all
about gathering information
and forging relationships.
175
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,529
Hello, Beatrice darling.
176
00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,163
Lovely to see you.
177
00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:45,298
You two-dollar whore.
178
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:50,170
You know, Mom, it's great
to watch you doing autopsies
when I'm not the cadaver.
179
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,940
Half the fun is sharing
with someone you love.
180
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:54,842
Oh, you see
the statuesque
woman over there
181
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,910
the one with
the knockoff
Prada handbag?
182
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,312
Don't tell me--
she's not a woman.
183
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:00,480
Oh, she's a woman.
184
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,816
She's an amazing woman.
185
00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:06,119
She built a children's
hospital in Guatemala.
186
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,521
Yeah, and...?
187
00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,757
Once they're healthy
enough to walk,
188
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,892
she flies them to Los Angeles
189
00:08:11,959 --> 00:08:14,327
and leases them out
to celebrities as
household slaves.
190
00:08:14,394 --> 00:08:15,929
Hello, dear.
191
00:08:17,531 --> 00:08:19,132
I'm trying to
sell her home.
192
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:23,871
It's hard to put a good spin
on "media room slash dungeon."
193
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:32,980
I'm sorry, Alan,
I can't do this.
194
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:33,981
Sure you can.
195
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,082
I mean, you are,
196
00:08:35,148 --> 00:08:36,817
and if you'll allow
me to say so,
197
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,619
you're pretty good at it.
198
00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:40,387
It's not you, it's me.
199
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:41,855
Yeah, right.
200
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:43,090
What is that supposed to mean?
201
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:46,827
Sharon, I have been rejected
by...
202
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,763
32 different women in my life.
203
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:52,600
And you know what,
it's never been me.
204
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:55,268
Okay, it's you. Feel better?
205
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:58,071
Actually no.
206
00:08:58,138 --> 00:08:58,839
You're a very nice guy.
207
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:00,073
No, that's even worse.
208
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,042
You know what they
say about nice guys.
209
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,410
Yes, they finish last.
210
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:05,846
No, the finish in the shower.
211
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,615
What do you want me to say?
212
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,516
I can't help it if I'm not
sexually attracted to you.
213
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,584
Yes, you can.
214
00:09:10,651 --> 00:09:13,053
You just have to
make an effort.
215
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:15,522
You know those jokes
you don't get right away?
216
00:09:15,589 --> 00:09:19,392
And then in a day
or two you find yourself
laughing and laughing?
217
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,829
That's me.
218
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,497
I'm one of those jokes.
219
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:26,667
You'll sleep with me now,
220
00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,069
and you'll be attracted
to me later.
221
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:33,106
Please, Sharon, just,
just give me a chance.
222
00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,943
Aw, what the hell.
223
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,347
Good to see you, dear.
224
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:42,082
You look marvelous.
225
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:44,317
For a heroin addict.
226
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:45,886
Let me ask you something.
Mm.
227
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,721
If you don't like
any of these people,
228
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:49,189
why do you come
to these things?
229
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,258
Charlie, do you
read the paper?
230
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,726
Do you have any idea
231
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,494
what the Los Angeles
real estate market is like now?
232
00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:55,562
Can't say I do.
233
00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:56,697
Hey, how are those
feet feeling?
234
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,131
You want to put
your shoes back on?
235
00:09:58,198 --> 00:10:01,101
No one is selling
unless they have to.
236
00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:04,004
Which means I have
to be out working
these rooms every night
237
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:06,573
to learn who's getting
divorced, who's dying,
238
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:09,810
who can't make bail,
who's crappy sitcom
got cancelled.
239
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:12,212
Let's face it, I'm not
a young woman anymore.
240
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:15,282
I mean, in the old days
I could find out all that stuff
241
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:16,616
at home on my back.
242
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:18,986
Evelyn.
243
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:20,587
Margaret.
244
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:21,588
Good to see you.
245
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:22,890
How's married life?
246
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,825
Oh, just one long
honeymoon.
247
00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:27,695
That's because she bangs
a different groom every night.
248
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:32,532
Hi, Charlie Harper.
249
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:34,367
Oh, my God!
250
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:38,305
That was amazing.
251
00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,107
Wasn't that amazing?
252
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,975
I hate myself.
253
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,744
What?
254
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,578
No, no, you were great.
255
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,281
You did a crackerjack job.
256
00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:49,482
Why do I do this?
257
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:53,253
Why do I have this constant
need to degrade myself?
258
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,792
Would it help to cuddle?
259
00:10:58,859 --> 00:11:01,561
Don't touch me.
260
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:04,231
Okay, no touching.
261
00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:08,702
The image of you lying
on top of me
262
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:11,805
will haunt me forever.
263
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,010
Did you want
to be on top?
264
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,347
'Cause if you give
me a half an hour
265
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,449
and a glass of juice,
we could try that.
266
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:28,856
Hey, hey, Dr. Phillips,
it's me, Sharon.
267
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:30,891
I did it again!
268
00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:33,426
I don't know why!
269
00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:34,461
I felt sorry for him.
270
00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:39,867
Hey, hey, why
don't I whip us up
some French toast?
271
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,436
Shut... up.
272
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,638
Okay, I'm just gonna get
273
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,009
a nice glass of
cran-apple just in case.
274
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,711
How bad was it?
How bad was it?
275
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,413
I'm in a fold-out bed!
276
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:58,018
* Men.
277
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:01,855
'Morning.
278
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:04,057
(dejectedly):
'Morning.
279
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:06,426
Hey, Berta, you're a woman.
280
00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,728
Where we going with this, zippy?
281
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:11,064
I was just wondering,
what does it mean
282
00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,734
when someone starts crying
uncontrollably after sex?
283
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,236
Well, in my experience,
284
00:12:16,303 --> 00:12:18,772
it usually means
the conjugal visit's over.
285
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,177
Right, thanks.
286
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,646
What happened, did you get
yourself a weeper?
287
00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:28,315
Yeah. Yeah, last night.
288
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,517
I've never seen anything
like it before.
289
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:31,919
That's hard to believe.
290
00:12:33,153 --> 00:12:34,521
(phone ringing)
I got it
291
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,090
Hello.
292
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,059
Oh, hey, Mom, how are you?
293
00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:41,594
Yeah, that was fun
last night.
294
00:12:41,661 --> 00:12:45,365
No, I'm not doing
anything. Why?
295
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,500
Sure, I'd love to go shopping
with you.
296
00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:53,206
Great. I'll see you, then.
297
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,446
What?
298
00:13:00,647 --> 00:13:02,482
Nothing.
Nothing.
299
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:05,018
Hey, hey, Mom's not that bad.
300
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:08,421
In fact, she's kind of fun
to hang out with.
301
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:11,591
That has to be
the creepiest thing
302
00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:13,026
I've ever heard.
303
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,262
You know, I said
the same thing
304
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:17,130
to myself just
a couple minutes ago.
305
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,203
* Men.
306
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,305
Are you sure
you can't stay
for dinner?
307
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:27,807
Oh, I'd love to, sweetie,
but Teddy's back in town,
308
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:30,443
and Mommy plans
to get laid tonight.
309
00:13:30,510 --> 00:13:31,811
Good for you.
310
00:13:31,879 --> 00:13:33,146
Please, give him
my best.
311
00:13:33,213 --> 00:13:35,883
Only after I give
him my best.
312
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,585
Hello?
313
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:39,719
Oh, hi, Alan.
314
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,421
Don't forget your little giftie.
315
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:43,056
You bought him a giftie?
316
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,558
Just my way of saying thank you
for taking me to lunch.
317
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:46,927
You took her to lunch?
318
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,196
I must have gained
five pounds.
319
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:51,598
Oh, stop!
You have a terrific figure.
320
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,366
(girlishly):
Thank you.
321
00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,969
Are you high?
322
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:58,205
It never hurts
to pay a compliment
323
00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,406
to someone you care about.
324
00:13:59,472 --> 00:14:01,341
Yeah, you should
try it once in a while.
325
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,576
It might cut down
on that post-coital weeping.
326
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:06,346
How'd you know about that?
327
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:09,149
Berta told me,
I told Mom.
328
00:14:09,216 --> 00:14:11,518
Your brother
and I don't have
any secrets.
329
00:14:14,454 --> 00:14:16,123
Maybe I'm high.
330
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,159
Okay, well,
I must be off.
331
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:22,862
Places to go, houses to sell,
new widows to cold-call.
332
00:14:22,930 --> 00:14:24,364
Oh, oh, that reminds me.
333
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:26,499
Uh, uh, Charlie, some woman
named Margaret called,
334
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,434
looking for you.
335
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:28,668
Margaret?
336
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:31,104
Oh, yeah, Honeymoon
Margaret from last night.
337
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:33,806
Charlie, the woman's
husband is one
338
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:34,841
of my biggest clients.
339
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,276
Oh, Mom!
340
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:39,179
Please, I'm not asking
as your mother.
341
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,114
I'm asking as your friend.
342
00:14:41,181 --> 00:14:45,385
All right, as a friend,
hands off.
343
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:48,188
Thank you, darling.
344
00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:49,889
I love you.
See ya, Alan.
345
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,825
I guess
I'll just throw this away.
346
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,594
Da-da-da-da-da-da!
347
00:14:54,661 --> 00:14:57,064
What? You're not gonna
call her, are you?
348
00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:00,067
Well, it's a bit of a dilemma.
349
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:02,035
On the one hand, there's this
beautiful available woman...
350
00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,470
She's married.
351
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:05,905
But according to Mom,
not a fanatic about it.
352
00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:10,710
So, am I the kind of guy
who would go back on his word
353
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:14,247
to his own mother just for a
really hot one-night stand?
354
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:17,985
Is that a rhetorical question?
355
00:15:18,051 --> 00:15:19,652
Tell you what.
356
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,155
We'll leave it to chance.
357
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:26,093
If I miss, I'll take
the high road.
358
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,195
If it goes in,
I'll call Margaret.
359
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,474
I guess it's fate.
360
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:44,311
* Men.
361
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,296
Are you ready for me?
362
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:06,699
(English accent):
Oh, bravo.
363
00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,074
Mm...
364
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,642
Just to be clear,
365
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,145
this is a tit-for-tat
kind of deal, right?
366
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:20,513
Your husband cheated on you,
the rotten bastard,
367
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,182
and now you're
cheating on him?
368
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:24,051
No, he never cheated on me.
369
00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:27,154
Oh, so, what, he's mean to you,
he's abusive?
370
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:32,392
No, he's a doll.
371
00:16:32,459 --> 00:16:33,360
Is he gay?
372
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,495
Not at all.
373
00:16:35,562 --> 00:16:38,631
Was he in some sort of bizarre
sort of hunting accident?
374
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:39,899
What?
375
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:43,103
You know, fell crotch first
into an open bear trap?
376
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:46,806
No, he's all man.
377
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,576
So then why are you doing this?
378
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,978
Well, it's very simple.
379
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:54,647
I like having sex
with strangers.
380
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:57,417
Oh. Well, good for you.
381
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,422
Is your husband hiding
somewhere watching us?
382
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:04,857
No, he's in Dallas
on business.
383
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:06,426
Charlie, are we gonna
do this or what?
384
00:17:06,493 --> 00:17:10,497
Actually, I...
I don't think I can.
385
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:11,731
Why not?
386
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:16,103
Well, I kind of promised
my mother I wouldn't.
387
00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:17,737
Your mother?
388
00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:19,038
Who's also my friend.
389
00:17:19,106 --> 00:17:20,707
So what do you want
to do?
390
00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:25,011
I tell you what.
391
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,947
We'll leave it
to chance.
392
00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:32,952
If I nail this,
then, you know, ditto.
393
00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,754
(door slams)
394
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:35,888
MAN:
Margaret!
395
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:36,923
Oh, God!
396
00:17:36,989 --> 00:17:37,890
Who's that?
397
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:38,725
Who do you think?
398
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,727
Another stranger?
399
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:41,961
It's my husband. Get out!
400
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:44,831
Right.
401
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:45,598
Where the hell should I go?
402
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:46,866
Out the window.
403
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:49,102
Are you crazy?
I'm not going out the window.
404
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,170
He's an ex-Marine.
405
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,438
I'm going out the window.
406
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:59,112
Oh, damn!
407
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:02,682
(doorbell rings)
408
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:05,785
Hi.
409
00:18:05,852 --> 00:18:08,855
Sharon, um, what's up?
410
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,790
I was hoping we could talk.
411
00:18:10,857 --> 00:18:13,092
Oh... sure.
412
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,127
May I come in?
413
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:16,429
Okay.
414
00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:17,997
Thanks.
415
00:18:18,064 --> 00:18:19,432
I'm kind of surprised
to see you.
416
00:18:19,499 --> 00:18:20,467
I know.
417
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,135
I behaved really
badly the other night.
418
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,471
You were a little emotional.
419
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,005
I wasn't a little emotional.
420
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:27,674
I was borderline psychotic.
421
00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:31,744
Oh. Since you brought it up,
I'd say you crossed that border
422
00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,413
with ten more crazy people
in your trunk.
423
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,483
I know. I'm so sorry.
424
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,084
I get like that sometimes.
425
00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:41,020
It's a combination
of low self-esteem.
426
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:43,223
low blood sugar
and mixing red wine
427
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:45,124
with my dog's painkillers.
428
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:48,261
Uh-huh.
429
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:54,133
Uh, I once took my cold
medication with a mimosa.
430
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,268
Spaced me out the whole day.
431
00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:57,304
So you forgive me?
432
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,705
Oh, absolutely.
433
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:00,373
Oh, thank you, Alan.
434
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,776
Don't mention it.
435
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,850
Mm, what are we doing?
436
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:12,819
I'd like to make it up to you.
437
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:15,288
Do you really think
that's a good idea?
438
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:17,390
I mean, last time
it didn't work out so well.
439
00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:20,660
Please, Alan,
just give me another chance.
440
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,368
Oh, what the hell.
441
00:19:30,603 --> 00:19:31,904
MARGARET (annoyed):
I thought you were in Dallas.
442
00:19:31,971 --> 00:19:34,741
I was. I got a phone call
telling me to come home
443
00:19:34,807 --> 00:19:35,708
and check on my wife.
444
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:36,843
From who?
445
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:38,010
That's not important.
446
00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:40,146
This marriage is over.
447
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:41,348
I want you out
of my house.
448
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:42,649
Well, I'm not leaving.
449
00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:44,451
Well, you have to
because I'm selling it.
450
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:46,018
In this market?
Are you crazy?
451
00:19:46,085 --> 00:19:47,254
I've got
a great Realtor,
452
00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:49,456
and she assures me
I can get top dollar.
453
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:51,458
You've already talked
to a Realtor?
454
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,326
Who do you think
called me in Dallas?
455
00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:54,961
And she's not just
my Realtor.
456
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:56,696
She's my friend.
457
00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:58,631
Oh, mom!
458
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:03,336
* Men.
459
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,072
SHARON:
I hate you!
460
00:20:06,138 --> 00:20:09,276
You're a pig
and you use me!
461
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,948
She's cute.
462
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:18,084
Yes, she is.
463
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:21,120
So, how's it going?
464
00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:24,123
Well, we're trying
to make it work.
465
00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:26,959
Good for you.
466
00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,160
So how's your night?
467
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,796
You'd be proud of me.
468
00:20:29,862 --> 00:20:30,997
I took the high road.
469
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,131
Congratulations.
470
00:20:32,198 --> 00:20:33,232
Didn't matter.
471
00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:35,768
It rarely does.
472
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,471
* Men.
473
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:41,641
Wait a minute.
474
00:20:41,708 --> 00:20:42,842
You're telling me
that Mom knew
475
00:20:42,909 --> 00:20:44,677
you were going
to sleep with that woman,
476
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,179
and called the husband
so that he'd catch her
in the act?
477
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,883
Yep. The marriage ends
and Mom gets a big commission
478
00:20:50,950 --> 00:20:51,884
for selling their house.
479
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:53,353
Wow.
480
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,022
She's an evil genius, Alan.
481
00:20:57,957 --> 00:21:00,527
If she lived in Gotham City,
Batman would be toast.
482
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:05,532
Hey, isn't that
your new girlfriend?
483
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:06,399
Where?
484
00:21:06,466 --> 00:21:08,301
Over there.
485
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:12,905
Walking into the ocean
with all her clothes on.
486
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,907
Oh, yeah.
487
00:21:14,974 --> 00:21:17,577
She gets a little suicidal
after we have sex.
488
00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:21,448
Yeah, yeah, ha-ha.
489
00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:24,283
Well, I'd better go
pull her in.
490
00:21:28,755 --> 00:21:31,491
Ask if she's got a friend.
33985
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