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1
00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:04,672
Berta, how have you been
washing my underwear?
2
00:00:04,738 --> 00:00:06,707
Like I do everything else
around here--
3
00:00:06,774 --> 00:00:10,111
with a song on my lips
and love in my heart.
4
00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,213
I'm serious.
5
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:15,283
I got a rash in my, you know,
private area.
6
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:18,919
Private? You get any more
traffic down there,
7
00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,454
you're gonna have to open
a Starbucks.
8
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:25,459
Well, I thought maybe you'd
changed laundry soap,
9
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,795
'cause it's all red and itchy
especially right around my...
10
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:29,430
Excuse me.
11
00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:33,967
I'm sitting here eating
a breakfast sausage.
12
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:37,305
It's not a sausage problem.
13
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,474
It's more in the meatball area.
14
00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:47,948
Kind of meatball adjacent.
15
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:49,417
Bet it's swamp ass.
16
00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,153
What's swamp ass?
17
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:55,089
Don't worry.
You'd know if you had swamp ass.
18
00:00:55,156 --> 00:00:57,658
I hate swamp ass.
19
00:00:57,725 --> 00:01:00,794
You sure it's just a rash?
What else could it be?
20
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,863
Well, since we're talking
about your private area,
21
00:01:02,930 --> 00:01:06,267
it could anything from Ebola
to mad cow disease.
22
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:08,702
You get Ebola
from monkeys, right?
23
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:09,937
Right.
24
00:01:10,003 --> 00:01:12,306
It's just a rash.
25
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,143
A kid at school got swamp ass.
26
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:17,245
Cats followed him around
for a year.
27
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:20,181
You know what?
Let's just forget about it.
28
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:22,616
Oh, if only we could.
29
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,453
Speaking of school,
we've got a big day ahead of us.
30
00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:27,188
We've got to go shopping
for supplies, clothes.
31
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:29,423
Nice segue, Dad.
32
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:32,660
Well, the subject was crying out
for change.
33
00:01:32,726 --> 00:01:34,495
Anyway, you're starting
a new school.
34
00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:35,796
You're gonna need new stuff.
35
00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:37,064
Wait a sec.
36
00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,500
Melonhead made it
into junior high?
37
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:40,301
Yes.
38
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:42,636
So you passed summer school?
39
00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:43,437
Sort of.
40
00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:45,173
What do you mean, "sort of"?
41
00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:48,742
They said it was in everyone's
best interest if I moved on.
42
00:01:50,278 --> 00:01:51,212
What's that supposed to mean?
43
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,980
It means they promoted him.
44
00:01:53,046 --> 00:01:55,015
He's starting junior high,
and there's absolutely nothing
45
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:57,218
to be gained in asking
how or why.
46
00:01:57,285 --> 00:01:59,287
Okay, well, whatever.
47
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:00,921
I'm proud of you, man.
48
00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:01,889
For what?
49
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,224
I don't know.
50
00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:05,493
Hanging in there
until they were sick of you.
51
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,261
Thanks.
52
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:10,030
So... junior high, huh?
53
00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:13,167
Boy, that brings back
some memories, doesn't it, Alan?
54
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:16,136
Can we please not go down
that road?
55
00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,171
What happened?
56
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,006
It's just that...
57
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:21,342
kids in junior high
can be a little judgmental.
58
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:24,745
Especially if you're knocked up.
59
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,883
Thank you, Berta.
60
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,685
Of course, on the up side,
61
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,922
pregnant chicks didn't have
to go to gym.
62
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,558
Did the guys who got 'em
pregnant got any considerations?
63
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:40,160
No, not even a hall pass.
64
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:42,530
Are we quite done?
65
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,633
You'll see.
Things will go great for you.
66
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,000
You just have to remember
a few things.
67
00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:48,336
Like what?
68
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,904
Well... always keep your
lunch money in your shoe
69
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,374
but have some spare change
in your pocket.
70
00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:55,008
How come?
Decoy money.
71
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:57,411
They won't stop hitting you
till they get something.
72
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,513
Who are "they"?
73
00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,315
The big kids holding you
by your ankles
74
00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:03,083
and plunging your head
in the toilet.
75
00:03:03,150 --> 00:03:05,986
Plunging my head
in the toilet?!
76
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,456
Don't, don't, don't, don't freak
the kid out, Alan.
77
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:12,393
It's not so much plunging
as dipping.
78
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:14,262
BERTA:
Here's what you do.
79
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:16,564
Make friends with
the janitor.
80
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,266
They usually have
their own bathroom.
81
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:20,368
Okay.
82
00:03:20,434 --> 00:03:22,670
Just never drink
out of his Thermos.
83
00:03:22,736 --> 00:03:24,605
All right.
84
00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,774
And don't believe him
if he tells you he loves you.
85
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:33,314
Damn it, I miss that
one-eyed son of a bitch.
86
00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:39,186
Oh, oh, and if you have
to shower after gym class,
87
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:42,222
remember, there is no shame in
keeping your Jockey shorts on.
88
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:43,591
Really?
89
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,293
Okay, there's a little shame.
90
00:03:46,627 --> 00:03:48,329
But the important thing is
91
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:50,364
the fellows won't be calling you
"Shrinky dink."
92
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,267
Shrinky dink?
93
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:55,736
I'm a grower, not a shower.
94
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:00,007
Oh, I almost forgot.
95
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:03,176
I got you a little present.
96
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,912
Your very own cell phone.
97
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,447
Oh, cool.
98
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:08,716
The important thing to remember
is this is not a toy.
99
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,518
It's to use
in emergencies only.
100
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,953
Emergencies? What emergencies?
101
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,622
CHARLIE (softly):
Dad, come get me!
102
00:04:14,688 --> 00:04:18,626
I'm stuffed in my locker
and my underwear is wet!
103
00:04:27,535 --> 00:04:29,470
That only happened once.
104
00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,306
If that drug-sniffing dog
hadn't found you,
105
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:33,841
you'd have missed Thanksgiving.
106
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:36,710
Drug-sniffing dog?
107
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,078
There were no,
there were no drugs.
108
00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,547
That's true.
109
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:42,416
Turns out those dogs
are also sensitive to urine.
110
00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:46,354
I was in there for five hours.
111
00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:48,522
Five hours?
112
00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:50,524
But you don't have
to worry about that.
113
00:04:50,591 --> 00:04:52,593
You have a cell phone.
114
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,628
Which you should hide
115
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:57,230
where prisoners of war
hid their watches.
116
00:04:57,297 --> 00:04:58,999
Where was that?
117
00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,234
Moving on.
118
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,470
I've pre-programmed the phone.
119
00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:03,837
Speed dial one is me,
120
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,506
speed dial two is
the nurse's office,
121
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:07,074
and speed dial three
is the police.
122
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,410
The police? What for?
123
00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:11,579
You'll know it when it happens.
124
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,113
Now, about race riots.
125
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,715
Try not to take sides.
126
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,484
If anybody asks, you're mulatto.
127
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,922
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
128
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:25,292
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
129
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:28,429
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
130
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:30,531
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
131
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,933
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
132
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,269
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
133
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:40,641
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
134
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:46,980
* Men...
135
00:05:47,047 --> 00:05:48,215
ALAN:
How do they feel?
136
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:49,783
Okay, but they're ugly.
137
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,552
They look like
old people shoes.
138
00:05:51,619 --> 00:05:52,920
They're not old people shoes.
139
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,287
They're walking shoes.
140
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:56,289
Right, for people
who've been walking
141
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,426
over 85 years.
142
00:05:58,492 --> 00:06:00,828
I'd rather get these.
These are cool.
143
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:02,930
Listen, Jake,
junior high is not about
144
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,432
being cool or popular.
145
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,299
It's about not getting mugged
for your sneakers.
146
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,936
I can get mugged
for my sneakers?
147
00:06:09,002 --> 00:06:11,038
Not those sneakers.
148
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:13,774
No, not unless you go walking by
149
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,510
an assisted living facility
in a rough neighborhood.
150
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,146
What are you doing?
151
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:23,451
Huh? Oh.
152
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:27,120
Sorry, this rash
is driving me crazy.
153
00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:28,856
I feel stupid in these.
154
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:30,290
Better to feel stupid
than to be
155
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:31,792
tied to flagpole barefoot
156
00:06:31,859 --> 00:06:33,927
while upperclassmen use you
as a spittoon.
157
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,329
I don't want to be tied
to a flagpole.
158
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,898
You won't be.
Just wear the ugly shoes
159
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:39,833
and don't sit
at the wrong lunch table.
160
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:40,901
Wrong table?
161
00:06:40,968 --> 00:06:43,003
How will I know
if it's the wrong table?
162
00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:47,040
You'll be tied to a
flagpole, right, Alan?
163
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:50,077
That also only happened once.
164
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:54,047
Let's just check the fit.
165
00:06:54,114 --> 00:06:55,749
Ooh, good.
166
00:06:55,816 --> 00:06:57,785
Plenty of room
for lunch money.
167
00:07:02,222 --> 00:07:04,625
* Men...
168
00:07:04,692 --> 00:07:06,860
How come all my school clothes
have to beige?
169
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,097
Because beige is not the
color of any known gang.
170
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:13,066
Right, so instead of being
mistaken for a Crip or a Blood,
171
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,168
you'll be mistaken
for a very large Band-Aid.
172
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:18,138
Hey, Band-Aids are ouchless.
173
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:23,443
Oh, oh, excuse me,
excuse me. There's a line.
174
00:07:23,511 --> 00:07:25,212
Yeah, I just got
a couple things.
175
00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:26,747
Well, I can see that,
176
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,849
but it's not really based
on quantity of items.
177
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:32,085
It's more of a we-were-here-
before-you kind of deal.
178
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,187
(sighs)
179
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:36,256
You gonna make
a thing out of this?
180
00:07:36,323 --> 00:07:38,859
There's no thing.
181
00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,094
I'm just, uh,
just playing by the rules
182
00:07:41,161 --> 00:07:43,997
and wouldn't it be nice
if everybody did the same?
183
00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:45,666
Hang onto this, slick.
184
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,538
Now, you want to explain
those rules again, jughead?
185
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:53,106
You know what?
186
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,342
If you're in such a big hurry,
why don't you just go ahead?
187
00:07:55,408 --> 00:07:56,977
Thank you.
188
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:01,148
What the hell are you doing?
189
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:04,785
Nothing. Here.
190
00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:09,923
(clucking)
191
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,292
No, no, not chicken,
just good common sense.
192
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,661
Fighting accomplishes nothing.
193
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:17,030
Oh, I didn't know
you were so French.
194
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:18,866
Hey.
195
00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:19,867
Oh, hey, Julie.
196
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,501
Uh...
197
00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:23,537
How do you know my wife?
198
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:25,539
What? Oh, no, no, no.
199
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,074
I-I-I don't know her.
200
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,076
You said, "Hey, Julie."
201
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:32,379
N-no, no. I-I-I sneezed.
202
00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,915
Ay... chooie!
203
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,018
Gesundheit.
204
00:08:38,085 --> 00:08:39,352
Thank you.
205
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,521
Oh, look, another
cashier opened up.
206
00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,190
(softly):
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
207
00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:46,627
(clucking to tune
of "La Marseilles")
208
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,632
But Mom said I could wait
for the bus by myself.
209
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:53,100
I know.
210
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:55,703
I would really rather wait
for the bus by myself.
211
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:57,905
I just want to make sure
you get off okay.
212
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,640
Yeah, but being walked
to the bus stop
213
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,174
by my dad and my uncle?
214
00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:03,043
I'm gonna look so lame.
215
00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:05,679
Jake, buddy, that
ship has sailed.
216
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:12,385
(indistinct chatter)
217
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,487
Please don't leave me.
218
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,590
You're okay.
219
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,792
Just don't make
eye contact.
220
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,862
Okay, when the bus comes,
221
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,463
don't take
a window seat.
222
00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,633
You don't want to be trapped
by one of these mouth-breathers
223
00:09:25,699 --> 00:09:27,000
and get pummeled.
Pummeled?
224
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,335
And be polite
to the bus driver.
225
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:31,238
They tend to be damaged
people with short fuses.
226
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:32,372
Fuses?
227
00:09:32,439 --> 00:09:33,741
Don't distract him.
228
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,142
There's no seatbelts
on these old buses.
229
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:36,677
One sharp turn,
and all you kids
230
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,445
will be flying around
like lotto balls.
231
00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:40,113
Balls?
(bus approaches)
232
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:43,583
(kids cheering)
233
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:47,387
Oh, uh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
234
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:49,189
Smile.
235
00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,323
About what?
236
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,993
I need a current picture
in case you go missing.
237
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:54,795
Alan, you're
being ridiculous.
238
00:09:54,862 --> 00:09:56,329
They never find
those kids.
239
00:09:56,396 --> 00:09:59,833
Give me a profile.
240
00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:03,570
Okay, now go
and make it a great day.
241
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,338
Have fun.
242
00:10:13,313 --> 00:10:16,149
(kids shouting, laughing)
243
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:24,692
I just hope everything
turns out all right.
244
00:10:24,758 --> 00:10:26,727
Well, we've done
all we could.
245
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,262
Now it's up to him.
Mm-hmm.
246
00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:37,705
* Men...
247
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:40,340
* Men...
248
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:43,510
Okay, okay, tell the doctor
that if I was a tree,
249
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:47,380
the rash is predominantly around
the mossy trunk area.
250
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,655
But I'm starting
to see some redness
251
00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:58,726
on the adjacent boulders.
252
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,729
Oh, come on.
"Tree? Two boulders"?
253
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:03,663
What part don't you understand?
254
00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,498
Hey.
255
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:08,769
Hey. Okay, just have him
call me.
256
00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,437
Heard from Jake?
Nope.
257
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,671
I'll call him at his mom's.
258
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,473
See how school went.
259
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,242
Alan, does this look
infected to you?
260
00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:16,810
What? Oh!
261
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,812
Get that away from me!
262
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,414
I'm not asking you to tickle
it, just take a look.
263
00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:22,883
No, thank you.
264
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:24,384
But you're a doctor.
265
00:11:24,451 --> 00:11:26,754
I'm a chiropractor.
266
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,121
I work with vertebrae.
267
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,723
And contrary to popular belief,
268
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:31,925
there's not a single bone
in the penis.
269
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:35,362
Oh, hi, Judith.
270
00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,397
Uh, n-nothing.
271
00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,665
I was just talking
to Charlie.
272
00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:41,134
Hey, hey, is Jake home
from school yet?
273
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,102
No?
274
00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:43,270
Oh, okay.
275
00:11:43,336 --> 00:11:45,338
Well, I was just wondering
how his first day went.
276
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:46,874
Have him call me, okay?
277
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,541
Thanks. Bye-bye.
278
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:50,243
Huh.
279
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:52,913
I hope he didn't wander under
the bleachers during lunch hour.
280
00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,647
Nah, he's smarter than that.
281
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,116
Smart?
282
00:11:56,183 --> 00:11:57,851
Charlie, he only got
out of sixth grade
283
00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,486
because he couldn't fit
in the desks anymore.
284
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:03,356
Well, if you're that concerned,
just call him on his cell.
285
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,893
Good idea.
286
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:18,772
(phone rings nearby)
287
00:12:20,673 --> 00:12:22,609
Uh, Jake?
288
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,878
Jake, where are you?
289
00:12:24,945 --> 00:12:29,182
Oh, you're still on the bus.
290
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:34,521
Funny. I don't hear
the other kids.
291
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,323
Oh, yeah, it was a tough day.
292
00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:38,525
Everybody's tired.
293
00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:40,260
No kidding.
294
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:45,132
Dad, this phone
is for emergencies only.
295
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,435
Why aren't you
at your mother's?
296
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:52,172
I got off the bus at school, got
on another bus and came here.
297
00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:54,341
So you've never been
to school today?
298
00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:56,076
Of course not!
299
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,611
I don't want to be stuffed
in a locker, tied to a flagpole
300
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,447
or dunked in a toilet!
301
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,316
Not dunked. Dipped.
302
00:13:03,383 --> 00:13:05,585
And where are
your new sneakers?
303
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,455
I sold them to the bus driver.
304
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,828
A-ha.
305
00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,831
Charlie, can I talk
to you for a minute?
306
00:13:18,731 --> 00:13:19,967
Are those my comics?
307
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,401
ALAN:
Charlie!
308
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,805
They're near mint, and he wipes
his boogers all over them.
309
00:13:25,873 --> 00:13:28,641
He was here all day,
and you didn't know?
310
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:31,344
Hey, I've got a rash.
311
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,582
I can't believe he cut
school on his first day.
312
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:38,085
Well, when you think about it,
it's pretty smart.
313
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,719
As far as the school
is concerned,
314
00:13:39,786 --> 00:13:41,188
he might just be a typo.
315
00:13:41,254 --> 00:13:44,524
Charlie, the question is,
why did he cut school?
316
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:45,926
Oh, that's easy.
317
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,895
He cut 'cause you scared the
crap out of him
318
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:49,396
and dressed him
like an Ace bandage.
319
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,831
I was just trying
to prepare him.
320
00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:54,201
For what?
A life of running and hiding?
321
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:56,169
No, no.
A life of blending in,
322
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,871
and only if they see you,
running and hiding.
323
00:13:57,938 --> 00:14:01,208
Face it, Alan,
when the Good Lord
324
00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,543
was handing out courage,
you were crouched in a locker
325
00:14:03,610 --> 00:14:05,045
peeing on your gym socks.
326
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:08,248
Okay, first of all,
327
00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:12,019
I had had three
Mr. Pibbs at lunch.
328
00:14:12,085 --> 00:14:14,154
And secondly, I
am not a coward.
329
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:15,989
Come on,
I've seen steelier nerves
330
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:18,125
from a cat
on the freeway.
331
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,894
That's ridiculous.
332
00:14:20,961 --> 00:14:23,196
(yells)
(screams)
333
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:25,532
Okay, I was not ready,
and that was not fair.
334
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:27,300
And-And what about you?
335
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,969
What about me?
336
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:29,970
You're afraid of everything.
337
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:30,971
Like what?
338
00:14:31,038 --> 00:14:32,639
Well, let's see.
339
00:14:32,705 --> 00:14:35,142
Germs, change, commitment,
opening your eyes under water,
340
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:36,910
angry husbands,
angry ex-girlfriends,
341
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,845
large birds, spiders and Mom.
342
00:14:38,912 --> 00:14:40,948
Hold on.
343
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,815
Hold on a sec.
344
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:45,185
I am not afraid to open
my eyes under water.
345
00:14:45,252 --> 00:14:46,453
I'm just sensitive
to chlorine.
346
00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:47,754
Right.
347
00:14:47,820 --> 00:14:51,058
And for the record, it's just
when birds get indoors.
348
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,926
In the sky,
I got no problem.
349
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:55,795
Fine, fine.
Live in denial.
350
00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:57,564
I'm gonna try
and straighten my kid out.
351
00:14:57,630 --> 00:15:02,435
And what sane person
is not afraid of spiders?
352
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:05,405
* Men...
353
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:07,040
What I'm trying
to say is
354
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,708
that it was wrong
to fill your head
355
00:15:08,775 --> 00:15:11,278
with a lot of horrible
things to avoid at school.
356
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:13,446
'Cause the truth is,
you can't avoid any of them.
357
00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:14,781
Charlie...
358
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,716
You don't want him living
his life in fear, right?
359
00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:17,817
Well, yeah, but...
360
00:15:17,884 --> 00:15:19,352
Well, scary things
happen in life.
361
00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,854
And he can either hide
from them like you...
362
00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:23,090
Like us.
Don't nitpick.
363
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:26,426
Or you can
stand up to them.
364
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:28,996
I mean, look, getting hit
in the face hurts,
365
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,163
but you know
what hurts more?
366
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:32,199
A kick in the crotch?
367
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:37,037
Well, yeah, sure.
368
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,172
I took a soccer ball
to the nads once.
369
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,008
Thought my eyes
were gonna pop out.
370
00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:50,083
Yeah, but that pain
passes.
371
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,819
What hurts more and lasts
longer than anything
372
00:15:52,885 --> 00:15:54,854
is the humiliation
of running away.
373
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:58,191
Couldn't ride my bike
for a week.
374
00:15:58,258 --> 00:16:00,360
Jake, Jake, I think
you're missing the point.
375
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:01,594
Makes you wonder
what they're doing
376
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:05,032
hanging down there
in the first place.
377
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:08,035
Now, what I think Uncle
Charlie is trying to say
378
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,303
is that, yeah,
you might get hit,
379
00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:12,172
you might get
stuffed in a locker,
380
00:16:12,239 --> 00:16:13,473
but you know what?
381
00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:14,407
You'll survive.
382
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,743
You may get bruised,
you may bleed,
383
00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,178
you may lose a few teeth,
384
00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:21,448
but... you'll have
your self-respect.
385
00:16:21,514 --> 00:16:22,982
Exactly.
386
00:16:23,050 --> 00:16:24,384
How do you stop being afraid?
387
00:16:26,486 --> 00:16:28,555
Well, I drink.
388
00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:40,500
But I didn't start
till ninth grade.
389
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:46,339
* Men...
390
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:49,776
Yeah, Judith, he
was at Charlie's
the whole time.
391
00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:53,746
Well, he said he was too scared
to go to school.
392
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,219
How should I know
why he's so scared?
393
00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:02,422
Maybe you're overprotective.
394
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:03,590
(softly):
Good one.
395
00:17:05,758 --> 00:17:07,727
I-I know you mean well.
396
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:10,497
All right, we'll be
there in a few minutes.
397
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:12,165
Okay. Bye-bye.
398
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,300
Did you hear that?
399
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:14,934
Yeah, it's Mom's fault.
400
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:17,770
Attaboy.
401
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,075
Come on. It's green.
402
00:17:22,142 --> 00:17:23,543
Let's go.
403
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,213
(chuckles)
404
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,348
What's the matter
with this guy?
405
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,582
(honks horn longer)
406
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:31,318
(mouthing)
407
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,019
(car door closes)
408
00:17:33,086 --> 00:17:35,588
Looks like he's coming
to tell you.
409
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,492
Lock your doors!
Lock your doors!
410
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,495
Wait, wait,
no, no, wait.
411
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,364
I am tired of running
and hiding.
412
00:17:44,431 --> 00:17:45,932
Are you tired of running
and hiding?
413
00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:46,966
Yes, I am.
414
00:17:47,033 --> 00:17:48,568
Remember, Jake,
415
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,537
courage is not the
absence of fear.
416
00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,905
It's taking action
despite fear.
417
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,542
That's very true.
418
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:00,180
Let's do this.
419
00:18:00,247 --> 00:18:01,781
Right behind you.
420
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,191
Two against one
wouldn't be fair.
421
00:18:11,258 --> 00:18:12,692
(Alan screaming)
422
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,761
(thud)
423
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:16,229
Now, that's courage.
424
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,764
Aren't you proud of him?
425
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:19,399
(Alan screaming)
426
00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:21,334
You got your cell phone?
427
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,069
It's only for
emergencies.
428
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,371
(shouting)
429
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:26,873
Help me.
430
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,741
(fingers squeaking across glass)
431
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,110
I think this qualifies.
432
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,412
(Alan screaming)
433
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,282
Charlie, Charlie, Charlie
Charlie, Charlie!
434
00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,285
(cell phone ringing nearby)
435
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:41,554
Hello?
436
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:42,955
Uh...
437
00:18:43,022 --> 00:18:44,957
(Alan screaming)
438
00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:47,093
Help me, Charlie!
439
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,362
* Men...
440
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:59,306
You are a bad brother.
441
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:00,807
I really thought
you had him.
442
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:04,411
Okay, Mr. Harper,
try not to sneeze.
443
00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,045
You'll blow those
stitches right out.
444
00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:07,480
Thank you, Doctor.
445
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:08,615
Hey, Doc?
446
00:19:08,681 --> 00:19:11,451
While I got you here,
let me show you something.
447
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:16,189
Oh my goodness, your little
jimmy is all crimson.
448
00:19:16,256 --> 00:19:18,725
Yeah. What do you think?
449
00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:21,661
Well, it, uh, looks like
an allergic reaction.
450
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:24,431
Have you been applying
anything to your
genital region?
451
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,999
Just the usual--
waitresses and actresses.
452
00:19:27,066 --> 00:19:28,368
Oh wait, wait.
453
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,136
Does Grecian Formula count?
454
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,638
Grecian Formula?
455
00:19:31,704 --> 00:19:33,673
You tried to get the gray
out of your pubic hair?
456
00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:37,009
Well, I wanted to leave a little
silver around the sides.
457
00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:38,511
You know, look
distinguished.
458
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:40,347
DOCTOR:
Distinguished? Hmm.
459
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,148
That's interesting.
460
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:45,084
We have a saying
in my country.
461
00:19:45,151 --> 00:19:47,019
"You can put a
tuxedo on a goat,
462
00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:49,756
but it is still a goat."
463
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:52,525
Yeah, well, we have a saying
in my country, too.
464
00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:55,395
"Help me, my balls are on fire."
465
00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:58,665
Okay, I'll get
you some salve.
466
00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:02,635
How about that?
467
00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:05,238
Allergic reaction,
nothing to be scared of.
468
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,876
All's well that
ends well, right?
469
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,045
What'd they give
you for the pain?
470
00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:16,115
Ah, you lucky bastard.
471
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:17,917
Wish my balls hurt more.
32759
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