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{\an1}BELLOWS
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Ah!
GROANS
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{\an1}LAUGHS
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00:00:13,880 --> 00:00:14,880
Woo-oh!
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{\an1}BLASTS HORN
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No!
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{\an1}SCREAMS
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Arghh!
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Aghhhh!
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{\an1}APPLAUSE
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Hello!
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How are you? I'm fine, thanks.
You're looking well.
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I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.
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There are five comedians hungry
to stoke the fire of this
15
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competition and commence battle
immediately.
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So who am I to stop them?
I'm the Taskmaster, that's who!
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00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:54,160
But I'm also just a regular
nice guy. So, here they are.
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Your five fearless fighters.
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James Acaster!
APPLAUSE
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00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,920
Jessica Knappett!
APPLAUSE
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00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,320
Kerry Godliman!
APPLAUSE
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00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:06,760
Phil Wang!
APPLAUSE
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00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,120
And Rhod Gilbert!
APPLAUSE
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And still very much keeping
the dream alive...
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that he might be a late bloomer...
It's little Alex Horne!
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{\an1}APPLAUSE
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I can get on here by myself.
I can get on here by myself. I can.
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Looking a little sheepish tonight.
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Not comfortable.
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Yes. You're not comfortable because
you're being punished
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for the last episode.
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Can I tell them what you've done?
No, you can't.
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They'll find out soon enough.
It's horrible. Good.
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Let's start the competition.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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Prize task? Yes. Prize task, OK.
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And kindly suggested by Greg
in honour of me, you said,
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me, Mr Alex Horne.
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Today's prize category
is "the creepiest thing".
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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You're going to award the owner
of the creepiest thing
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five enormous points and at the end
of this very show,
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the overall winner will get to take
on all five creepy things!
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Right, James Acaster.
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I imagine you've brought
in a really creepy thing?
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I come from a town called Kettering
in Northamptonshire.
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In Kettering there's a museum called
the Manor House Museum and
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the main attraction in the Manor
House Museum is a mummified cat.
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Alex, please.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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Here's the mummified cat.
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{\an1}AUDIENCE GROAN
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God!
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Oh, my God!
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It is a mummified cat that was found
in a wall in a building in
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Kettering. In the past it was good
luck to keep a cat in the walls.
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A live one? Actually,
that wasn't specified.
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A really strong start. It's creepy.
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And it's the first thing ever that's
made a want to visit Kettering!
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Kerry, what's the creepy thing
you've brought in?
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This is a thing that a man was
wearing on a train sat opposite me.
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And he maintained eye contact
with me for four tube stops.
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Long time. Yeah.
It was this T-shirt here.
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{\an1}GROANS, LAUGHTER
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Is it the lack of apostrophe
you object to?
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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Really creepy. Jesus Christ!
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I just can't imagine it ever
working. As in, "OK. Go on, then.
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"Off we go! Get the stirrups!
I'm game!"
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Phil, what creepy thing
did you bring in?
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So, erm, my creepiest thing is
a finger portrait of myself
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that I was given by someone
who came to one of my shows.
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Here is the painting.
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Oh! It's quite good.
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But...
LAUGHTER
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That's amazing, Phil!
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Well, so, it was in Newcastle,
which is creepy. Oh!
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What happened to the old castle?
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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I'll give you it is a good picture,
objectively speaking.
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00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,640
But it was the idea of him sitting
on his own and just stroking
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the contours of my face.
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Around the jaw and over the lips and
just going, "Here you are, Phil."
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It's not very creepy, though.
I think it's nice.
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It's a lovely picture. Oh!
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Would you like to see Jessica...?
Jessica Knappett.
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00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:21,080
It's quite simply my collection of
Victorian Christmas cards.
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OK. Here they are,
the Victorian Christmas cards.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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These are Christmas cards? Yes.
Right. So, top left - dead robin.
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LAUGHTER
Er, frog shagging a beetle.
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# Ding dong, merrily on dead frog! #
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Creepy. Pretty creepy stuff.
Pretty creepy!
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I mean, it's not a cat in a wall.
I'll give you that. No.
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One left. Oh, no! What?
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Every single one of the prize tasks
for this whole series... Oh, that.
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..it has essentially been a picture
of me looking fat or...
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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So given the title
Creepiest Thing...
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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Well, this is a rare occasion
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where I'm not entering
that picture of you.
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It's not a picture of me at all?
It's not a picture of you at all.
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It is a short film.
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Would you like to see the film?
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Yeah.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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{\an1}APPLAUSE
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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Wow! Wow!
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Wow!
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That actually made me feel dirty.
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I saw you out.
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No, you didn't.
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Fuckin' hell!
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The orgy one is quite nice.
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There's one point where you go,
"A-pi-pi-pi!"
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Ready? Yes. Least creepy... I mean,
the perfectly nice picture of Phil.
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It should have a creepier face.
One point to Phil.
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Just because they're cards and
I could just turn them over,
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I'm going to give Jess two points.
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Two points, OK. Yeah.
Fourth place.
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I'm going to jump James up.
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I'm going to give him four points,
cos that is a creepy cat. Yes.
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And good luck to Kettering.
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If that's the best you've got,
Jesus Christ!
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Let's just turn Kettering
into a car park!
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OK. One to Phil, two to Jess,
four to James.
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I mean, without question,
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the creepiest thing for me is that
this idiot has hid in my...
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LAUGHTER
..has hid in my wardrobe.
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But a T-shirt that creepy
can't go unpunished.
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I'm going to give them five points
each. Both get five points!
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{\an1}APPLAUSE
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Fair enough.
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Creeps!
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What task have we got next, Alex?
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Well, if you go down to
the woods today, let's see.
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Hello, Rhod. Hiya.
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Hi, James.
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Eugh!
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I'm scared!
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What is this place? It's a grotto.
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What do you think a grotto is?
It's...
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It's what Santa is, isn't it?
I don't think Santa would come here.
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Where is the task, Alex?
It's on its way.
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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Right.
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"Poke something out of the hole
in the roof of this grotto."
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"Least expected thing
poked through wins."
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"You have 20 minutes.
Time starts now."
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Poke something out of the hole...
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There won't be a pound shop nearby,
is there? Are you on Amazon Prime?
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Haven't got my phone.
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{\an1}APPLAUSE
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Who are we going to see first?
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Well, first, we're going to see
a man who will very soon
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go by the nickname J-Caster.
It's J-Caster. Here we go.
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Poke something through the hole
of the grotto.
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Right. I know what it's going to be.
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OK. But these guys have
to stop filming me.
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You want me to call the cameras off?
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All the cameras off!
This is going to be unexpected!
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LAUGHTER
Fun's over!
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Right, I'm ready.
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The cameras are back on, James.
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Filming's back on!
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This is genius.
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Only advice I can give the
Taskmaster for this one -
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expect the unexpected, baby.
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Could you tell him that?
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You want to tell him to expect
the unexpected? Baby!
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OK. Here it comes!
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
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# Pants on a stick!
Oh-oh!
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# Pants on a stick! #
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Do you get extra points
for a song? No.
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Well, that's a waste of time.
LAUGHTER
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I wasn't expecting
that beautiful song.
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I'll be honest.
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As soon as I was holding my pants
on a stick, I genuinely went crazy.
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Yeah.
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00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,560
Do you want to give us a bit more
of Pants on a Stick?
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# Pants on a stick
186
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,960
# Waving pants
I just had my pants on a stick
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# Whose pants? My pants!
Your pants? No, no! #
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Nice song!
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Well, good. We're off to a start.
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Who's next? We're now going to see
a Godliman-Wang combo, at last.
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Kerry and Phil.
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OK.
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If I can get something on the end
of that stick, we're in business.
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Everything here is expected.
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It's nature, innit? It's all...
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You know, there isn't going to be
a hamburger or something.
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{\an1}STICK SNAPS, LAUGHTER
198
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Right.
199
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:18,920
Right, you ready?
200
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,080
Oh!
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00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,920
OK, Alex. Here it comes!
202
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{\an1}LAUGHTER
203
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,400
You see that? Yeah, I can see it.
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00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:33,760
What do you reckon?
205
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,920
I'm worried about you.
LAUGHTER
206
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,320
Thank you, Kerry. OK!
207
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,720
I might need help with a zip, Alex.
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00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:48,400
Sure, yeah.
209
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:52,640
LAUGHTER
OK. Thank you!
210
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,040
Goodbye. Thank you!
211
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:00,280
You're right. I was not expecting
to see your bra
212
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:03,160
on the end of a beanpole.
Pleased with yourself?
213
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,120
Yeah.
LAUGHTER
214
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,640
Kerry's was the only one where
I didn't know what was going on,
215
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:10,000
so I was generally surprised
when a bra came up. Why?
216
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,880
Cos, well, she went into the woods,
217
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,960
hid in a bush and took her bra off
and then came back,
218
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,120
whereas the other two...
And they did it on camera.
219
00:11:16,160 --> 00:11:19,400
I'm quite glad I didn't do it
on camera. Yeah. Like, I went away.
220
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,360
Privately. Yeah. Classy little...
221
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,480
{\an1}LAUGHTER
222
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,960
I didn't think Alex had a live feed,
like a pervert!
223
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,800
There was a big hole in the roof.
224
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:30,840
{\an1}LAUGHTER
225
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,200
I was not fully surprised
by your approach, Phil,
226
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:40,840
because I have decided that the only
reason you've come into this series
227
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:44,240
is to show as much as your genitals
as you possibly can.
228
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,880
We had a very tender moment
when I zipped you up. Oh, lovely.
229
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,640
I blew on his neck. Yeah!
230
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,920
Aw! Creepy!
231
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,960
Why don't you, er...? What?
232
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,520
Why don't you go over and relive old
times, have a little hug with Phil?
233
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,720
Can I? You say I don't give
you moments for yourself.
234
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,960
Go and give Phil a hug and remember,
if you like.
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00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,240
Oh. Thanks, mate.
236
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:07,280
Sit down!
LAUGHTER
237
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:17,600
I told you!
You do things when I tell you!
238
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,320
That's it. Enough.
I've had enough of part one.
239
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:27,040
I can't stand it any more.
Come back when you're part two.
240
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,800
Or don't come back at all!
241
00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,280
Hi, everyone. Hello.
242
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,960
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where I'm going to instantly
243
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,160
pawn you off on Alex Horne so
that he can do with the detail.
244
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:49,560
Thank you, Greg. Detail is my
middle name and my closest friend.
245
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,520
Before the break, our competitors
were challenged to stick the
246
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,400
most unexpected thing through a hole
in a grotto's roof.
247
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:59,080
Last up are Rhod and Jess,
Gilbert and Knappett.
248
00:12:59,120 --> 00:13:00,800
It's poking time again!
249
00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:04,240
I'm going to go and find something
more unexpected.
250
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,080
Let's just see...
251
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:10,920
Argh!
252
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,760
I got that down there, don't know
what to do with it.
253
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:17,760
It's a nice grotto, isn't it, Alex?
254
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,080
Thank you.
255
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:26,080
OK, can you come down and join me in
the grotto, please? OK.
256
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,640
Can you see that?
257
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,640
Yes. The position you adopt is,
if you lean forward,
258
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,320
that's it, sit back into the ladder
a little.
259
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:35,720
I think this is going to
be quite good.
260
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:37,320
If you undo your belt.
261
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,440
And then just pop your
trousers down.
262
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,040
I might need you to pull the
trousers down
263
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,240
so I can hold on to
something. I've heard that before.
264
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:46,320
Can't pull your own trousers down.
265
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,320
Unexpected item appearing now.
266
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:51,920
What?!
267
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,560
It's...
268
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:58,040
It's on fire, Jess. It's on fire!
269
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,480
Please, don't set fire to the tree.
270
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:04,160
Some...classical music
would be nice.
271
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,360
OK. On your leg.
272
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,040
That'll do? If you bend down, bend
right down, Alex...
273
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,800
I don't want to open up...
274
00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:15,400
OK. You've got 30 seconds, Rhod. OK.
275
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:17,040
Oh!
276
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:21,160
{\an1}MUSIC: Gloria in D Major
by Antonio Vivaldi
277
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:34,560
OK, I've run out of water,
so that is, uh,
278
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,440
that is the water feature
closed for today, kids.
279
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,000
{\an1}WHISTLE
280
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,400
Your turn up, Rob. OK.
281
00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,800
{\an1}APPLAUSE
282
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:46,040
{\an1}INDISTINCT
283
00:14:46,080 --> 00:14:51,760
'I mean... I feel sorry for Jess, I
genuinely wasn't expecting fire to
come out of the hole.
284
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:53,400
Yeah! And then...
285
00:14:55,920 --> 00:15:00,440
You can't compete with Alex's arse.
286
00:15:00,480 --> 00:15:03,280
It wasn't just Alex's arse, was it?
287
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,920
As grotesque and unexpected
as that was.
288
00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:09,760
But it's also the fact that he then
said,
289
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:12,920
"That's the water feature closed,
kids!"
290
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,520
{\an1}LAUGHTER
291
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,120
That was unexpected!
292
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,480
Well, do you want to judge it? Yeah,
I'm gonna judge it.
293
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,480
I'm gonna give two
points straight in
294
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:25,800
to Kerry, James and Phil,
295
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,920
'because I think, I kind of guessed
it was going to be an item of
clothing
296
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,560
coming through the roof of
the grotto.
297
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,720
'OK, so the bra, pants and yellow
jumpsuit all get two points.
Correct.
298
00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:37,360
OK. Jess, the element of fire,
I wasn't expecting,
299
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:38,760
four points.
300
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,160
APPLAUSE
Second place, Jess.
301
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:46,600
And five points, and up to £20,000
of my own money for counselling
302
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:47,960
Rhod Gilbert!
303
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,680
APPLAUSE
Rhod wins the toss.
304
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,680
OK, I've got the scores.
305
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:58,280
The series scores are very exciting,
we have Phil Wang on 103.
306
00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,880
{\an1}IMPRESSED WHISTLE
307
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:01,360
APPLAUSE
Oh, yeah!
308
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,920
Certainly sounds impressive in
isolation. Yeah.
309
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,600
Second last, it's James on 122.
310
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,600
{\an1}APPLAUSE
311
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:13,120
But then it's all change,
Kerry's on 131, Jess is on 133,
312
00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:16,000
Rhod's on 134. Three points!
313
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,600
APPLAUSE
Whoa!
314
00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:20,080
That's the first I've been in the
lead all series. Yes, it is.
315
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,000
All change. OK. I have a scoreboard
for this episode.
316
00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:24,520
Phil is in last with three,
317
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,320
James and Jess both on
six, Kerry on seven,
318
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,040
but Rhod's in the
lead with ten points!
319
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:29,840
{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
320
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:33,720
More, please, little Alex Horne.
321
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,960
Well, this one is a puzzling riddle
322
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,440
of a treasure hunt of a task.
323
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,520
Oh. Hi.
324
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:52,960
Hi, Alex.
325
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:55,120
Huh. Oh.
326
00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,800
So, here we are. Here we are.
Why is there not a task here?
327
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,040
Is it in this room?
Yeah. It's not hidden.
328
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:08,880
Well, it's not not hidden, is it?
329
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,480
No. But it's not hidden.
330
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:11,880
Hi, James.
331
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,800
The task is somewhere. Right.
332
00:17:19,840 --> 00:17:21,520
Heeey!
333
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,000
You're colder now. Colder now.
334
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,080
Warmer, warmer. Warmer.
335
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:31,600
Ah!
336
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,560
Carefully, so I don't pull this
down. Little tug.
337
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:45,120
C.
338
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:50,400
C. Your time starts now.
339
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,200
Now look in the microwave.
340
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,040
What?
341
00:17:55,080 --> 00:17:57,440
{\an1}APPLAUSE
342
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:00,320
Let's just crack straight into it.
343
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,720
OK. Let's start with the ladies.
But which two ladies?
344
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:06,680
Where's the microwave?
345
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:10,240
Where's the microwave?
346
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:11,520
C.
347
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:23,480
Ah!
348
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,080
Now look in your pigeonhole.
349
00:18:29,360 --> 00:18:30,960
E.
350
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,320
E.
351
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,080
Now look under the doormat.
352
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,720
C-R-E.
353
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,320
Where's the doormat?
Probably near a door.
354
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,360
Oh, yeah.
355
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,920
A. Now look in the lab.
356
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:55,160
M. Now look in the little
blue book.
357
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,240
What little blue book?
358
00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,000
What little blue book?
359
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:00,880
What little blue book, Alex?
360
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,760
Is there a little blue box in here?
361
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,800
What are you looking for?
A little blue box.
362
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,800
Where's the little blue book?
363
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,560
Are you OK, Kerry?
No, I'm stressing out.
364
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,840
Right, OK, so there's a little blue
box somewhere in this house.
365
00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,160
Now look...
366
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:19,680
What?!
367
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,280
I can't read!
368
00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:25,440
Now look in the little blue book!
369
00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,680
Not box, book!
370
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,160
It says book!
371
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:32,360
Oh, this is tough...
372
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,000
Eeeey! That's clever, isn't it?
373
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,120
Love that. A tiny one!
374
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,760
S. At the beginning.
Fastest wins. What?
375
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:47,040
S. At the beginning.
376
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,120
Creams.
377
00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:50,160
At the beginning.
378
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,520
What?
379
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:57,480
No-one says that, do they?
Creams? No.
380
00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,880
Scream!
381
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,040
{\an1}SHE SCREAMS
382
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,400
Creams at the beginning.
383
00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:09,040
Creams at the beginning. Is it like,
um, the...
384
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,200
A situation where people
have creams at the beginning?
385
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,680
S.
386
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:14,960
At...
387
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:16,240
Oh!
388
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,680
{\an1}SHE SCREAMS
389
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,520
{\an1}APPLAUSE
390
00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:24,000
I mean, it's an incredible question.
391
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:27,120
'"Oh, this must be a situation where
people have creams in the
beginning."
392
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,600
Powerful screams, though.
393
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:33,280
Oh, excellent screams.
And it wasn't that slow.
394
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,160
They both took five minutes
something.
395
00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:39,000
I think if Kerry had realised the
doormat was near the door, she...
396
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:42,680
Oh, hang on, is that worse than
confusing book with a box?
397
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:46,040
No, oh, no,
you were both absolutely shit.
398
00:20:47,240 --> 00:20:49,840
Kerry took five minutes
and 47 seconds,
399
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:54,080
Jess five minutes and 31 seconds, so
Jess is in the lead at the moment.
400
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,040
Wow. Yeah.
401
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:57,680
{\an1}APPLAUSE
402
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,080
The end of part two is nigh.
403
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:02,040
Correction, the end of part
two is now!
404
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,400
{\an1}APPLAUSE
405
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:10,400
{\an1}APPLAUSE
406
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:12,840
Hello there.
407
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,480
And if you've just stumbled across
this show for the first time,
408
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:20,240
it's the third part of the eighth
episode in the seventh series,
409
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,760
and you're very, very welcome!
410
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,920
Yes, you are. Today our contestants
are playing for a mummified cat,
411
00:21:24,960 --> 00:21:26,880
an offensive T-shirt,
and before the break,
412
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:28,760
there was a puzzle task
taking place.
413
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:32,240
How will Cambridge University
representative Phil Wang
414
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,760
and wise old sage Rhod Gilbert do?
415
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,840
This was in the microwave.
Now look in your pigeonhole.
416
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:43,800
E. Now look under the doormat.
417
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:46,200
That's not you, is it?
That's not what Greg calls you?
418
00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,640
I'm not coming back in the room to
open them any more,
419
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:51,120
I realise it's time wasting.
420
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:53,520
Now look in the lab.
421
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:55,600
Lab.
422
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,000
Where's the little blue book?
423
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:00,520
Where's the little blue book?
424
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:02,920
Little blue book?
425
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,800
Is the little blue book in here,
is it?
426
00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:08,080
Is it? Those aren't real books.
427
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:12,720
Is it on you? Why would it be on me?
428
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:19,320
I will strip search you if I don't
find this little blue book.
429
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:22,440
Ah!
430
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:24,360
Do you want to tell me where the
book is? Yeah?
431
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,760
It's where the books normally are.
432
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,320
Ah! Oh!
433
00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:34,000
It says "S", and then in brackets,
"at the beginning."
434
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,600
Oh, God, what does that mean?
435
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:36,920
Ah...
436
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:39,000
Oh, I've thrown them everywhere.
437
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,280
Bollocks.
438
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:44,760
Oh, scream!
439
00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:47,240
{\an1}HE LETS OUT A SHORT SCREAM
440
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,600
You want me to scream?
441
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:50,800
Yes, please.
442
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,640
'Was that definitely a scream?
HE SCREAMS LONGER
Yeah, I'd say so.
443
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,240
Thank you. I'll stop the clock.
444
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:57,000
{\an1}HE SCREAMS
445
00:22:58,240 --> 00:23:00,080
{\an1}APPLAUSE
446
00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:06,840
It seems to me,
every task to you is an opportunity
447
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,240
to get his trousers off.
448
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,720
And you're always wearing
pink underwear.
449
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:13,200
Or long johns! Yeah!
450
00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:17,640
{\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
451
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,600
Dear, dear, dear.
452
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,760
Phil, I think you're a very
controlled man,
453
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,960
is what I thought during that.
454
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:29,160
You saw Rhod scream at the end,
455
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,320
that's a scream of desperation.
456
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:35,520
'And I think I'm going to give you
the opportunity on camera now to
really let a,
457
00:23:35,560 --> 00:23:38,760
like a passionate, wild scream out.
458
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:40,360
{\an1}HE SCREAMS LOUDLY
459
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,240
{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
460
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:51,920
Do you want some times? Yes, please.
He took nine minutes and 55.
461
00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,720
Nine minutes and 55.
Of course he did.
462
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:58,240
'Rhod... He went out to the garden
and had a sniff of some flowers at
some point.
463
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,280
'Rhod took exactly the same amount of
time it takes me to prepare your bed
in the evening.
464
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,600
12 minutes and 51 seconds.
465
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,360
You like it so flat.
APPLAUSE
466
00:24:10,480 --> 00:24:13,640
'Just show me a situation where
there's some creams at the
beginning, will you?
467
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:16,840
Well, it's James Acaster next. Is he
as good at solving riddles as he is
468
00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:20,280
'at taking his pants off, shoving
them on a stick and singing a song
about it?
469
00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:21,600
Let's find out.
470
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,520
A. Now look in your pigeonhole.
471
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:32,000
E. Now look under the doormat.
472
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,560
A, now look in the lab.
473
00:24:42,960 --> 00:24:46,160
M. Now look in the little blue book.
474
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:55,320
S. Creams. At the...
Oh, at the beginning.
475
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:57,800
{\an1}HE SCREAMS
476
00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,320
{\an1}APPLAUSE
477
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,360
I feel like that whole thing
was in real time.
478
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:06,760
That that's the fastest ever... It
was pretty much,
479
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:09,400
he'd already spotted the blue book
during another task.
480
00:25:09,440 --> 00:25:11,440
He'd always been aware of the
surroundings.
481
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:13,440
You know the show more
than I know the show.
482
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,760
I love it, I'm a big fan.
That was a dream come true.
483
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,480
{\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
484
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:21,760
The time was three minutes 48.
485
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:23,440
{\an1}APPLAUSE
486
00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,520
So, the points are one point to
Rhod, two to Phil, three to Kerry,
487
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,160
four to Jess with her
five minutes 31,
488
00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,640
and five points to James Acaster!
489
00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:34,920
{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
490
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:41,240
So with that, with that, Jess has
re-taken the series lead, it's going
491
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,120
hither and thither at this moment.
492
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,600
I feel like you're ready to hit us
with another task.
493
00:25:45,640 --> 00:25:48,200
Oh, I am, and I'm glad I look ready,
because I am ready.
494
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,800
And for this one,
the contestants really had to learn
495
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:52,800
to compose themselves.
496
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,200
Ah!
497
00:26:07,240 --> 00:26:08,480
Hi!
498
00:26:08,520 --> 00:26:10,400
Hi, Alex. Oh.
499
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,880
Hi, Rhod. All right?
500
00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,800
Hello. ALL: Hello.
501
00:26:15,840 --> 00:26:17,200
Hello, James.
502
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:22,520
Compose the best 30 second
piece of music.
503
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,040
The best? Yes, please.
504
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:27,440
Oh, yes. Played into my hands here,
mate. Fuck you.
505
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,520
You have 20 minutes. Your time
starts now.
506
00:26:31,560 --> 00:26:33,520
Oh, my God!
507
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,280
Can you play all of these
instruments?
508
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,720
We can play a mix of them.
509
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,960
I'm a percussionist myself.
510
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,320
'If you think of sticks at all...
They're fine. You're not a musician,
mate.
511
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:47,120
Um... What's that guy?
512
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,440
It's a melodica.
Oh, let's have a go of that.
513
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,920
{\an1}HE PLAYS MELODICA
514
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,080
Well that's staying.
515
00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:55,920
{\an1}APPLAUSE
516
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,480
Uh, another one of your catchphrases
coming out there. "Fuck you."
517
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:02,720
Some of the others you've used
throughout the series,
518
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,360
"Fuck you." "Bebeh."
"I'm punk." "Suck it."
519
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:06,840
Just so you know.
520
00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:08,160
Let's see...
521
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,160
A little bit more decorum when
you write music.
522
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:12,560
Who should we see first?
523
00:27:12,600 --> 00:27:15,440
Well, just to say the musicians
would only do what they were told,
524
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:17,080
and we're going to
see James and Jess.
525
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:18,880
And Kerry and Phil.
526
00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:24,560
And Rhod. All creating their pieces.
This is them composing. Lovely.
527
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,080
What sort of rhythm are we after?
528
00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:30,280
Um...
I reckon you guys can just vamp
529
00:27:30,320 --> 00:27:34,440
a 12 bar blues structure for a bit
and I'll try and think of a trump.
530
00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:37,120
In the key of E minor,
so it's melancholy.
531
00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:39,120
We're in Eastern Europe.
532
00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:41,120
{\an1}HE PLAYS A LONG NOTE
533
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:42,480
Do the Hendrix chord.
534
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,000
Right, here we go.
535
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:46,600
Here we go!
536
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:48,600
OK, yeah, so let's just jam.
537
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,000
You might need to give us a bit more
instruction. Oh, really?
538
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:57,360
A little match girl has
arrived at a house.
539
00:27:57,400 --> 00:27:59,720
A little what? Match girl.
540
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:01,760
Play a bit of music that
sounds like this.
541
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,440
{\an1}SHE HUMS A TUNE
542
00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,800
{\an1}HE REPEATS TUNE
543
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:09,400
{\an1}HE IMITATES ROCK GUITAR
544
00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,800
I've got to go, # Diddly-doo. #
And then you go,
545
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,280
# Diddly-doo. #
There we are.
546
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:22,120
'Now let's hear the matches. The
matches? Yeah, shake the box
properly, just to demonstrate.
547
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,280
MUTED GUITAR
What the fuck was that?
548
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,760
# Do-do-do do-do-do
do-do-do-do-do. #
549
00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:30,320
# Ba! Da-da!
550
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:34,840
# Ba-ba-ba-ba. Da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da, da. # OK?
551
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:38,240
# Boo-boo-boo, bo-dee-be
dingy-ding ding
552
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:41,680
# Boo-boo-boo, bo-dee-be
dingy-ding ding. #
553
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:43,320
# Ba-ba, beh-beh... #
554
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:49,160
# Do-do do-do do-do do... #
555
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:50,520
{\an1}TUNE REPEATS ON INSTRUMENTS
556
00:28:50,560 --> 00:28:51,800
That's pretty good!
557
00:28:51,840 --> 00:28:53,800
I don't think I'm adding
anything with this.
558
00:28:53,840 --> 00:28:55,920
I like it. Do you? Yeah.
559
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:00,240
OK. You're right.
It's my band anyway.
560
00:29:00,280 --> 00:29:02,120
{\an1}APPLAUSE
561
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:05,600
I quite fancy him.
562
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,560
'I hope you'll take this in the
spirit it is intended, Jess, but
sometimes
563
00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,000
watching you is like watching an
episode of Sesame Street.
564
00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:13,760
{\an1}LAUGHTER
565
00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:15,600
"We're writing a song!"
566
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:18,560
That's really who I am.
567
00:29:19,520 --> 00:29:22,800
I don't know why you're laughing,
Kerry. What? "Diddly-do".
568
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,960
I mean, I cannot tell
you how excited I am
569
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:28,760
to hear these pieces of music.
570
00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:31,000
OK, let's do it. The first movement
571
00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:32,480
which we're going to hear today
572
00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:35,040
is by Philip Wang.
573
00:29:35,080 --> 00:29:37,640
We're Kill Phil with the
Yellow Blues.
574
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:39,280
One, two, three, four.
575
00:29:39,320 --> 00:29:41,600
{\an1}BAND PLAY 12 BAR BLUES
576
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:43,680
{\an1}TRUMPET NOTE
577
00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:46,840
{\an1}TRUMPET NOTE
578
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:49,920
{\an1}TRUMPET NOTE
579
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:53,640
{\an1}TRUMPET NOTE
580
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:04,760
{\an1}SUSTAINED TRUMPET NOTE
581
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:05,800
Yeah!
582
00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:07,600
{\an1}APPLAUSE
583
00:30:09,040 --> 00:30:12,720
'Did you essentially get some
talented musicians to play 12 bar
blues?
584
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:15,720
Uh, with a tune that I made up.
585
00:30:15,760 --> 00:30:17,040
Did you hear the trumpet solo?
586
00:30:17,080 --> 00:30:18,560
I heard the trumpet solo.
587
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:24,840
'It sounded like one of the band had
his mum turn up outside and she was
honking her horn.
588
00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:28,680
Yeah, like how the blues was born!
589
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:30,560
I was told that you play the
trumpet.
590
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,760
I PLAYED the trumpet.
591
00:30:32,800 --> 00:30:34,560
In that clip.
592
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:36,080
{\an1}LAUGHTER
593
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:41,080
Uh, OK, we are off to an
absolutely terrible start.
594
00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:42,640
What?!
595
00:30:42,680 --> 00:30:47,640
'Let's see another wonderful piece of
music. Would you like to see the
lady sitting next to Phil? Yes. Yes.
596
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:49,720
OK, this is Kerry's effort.
597
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:51,200
The masterclass!
598
00:30:52,360 --> 00:30:54,360
Here's my band,
Hokey-Cokey Goodtimes,
599
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:55,800
and it's called
600
00:30:55,840 --> 00:30:57,360
Having A Great Time Any Time.
601
00:30:57,400 --> 00:30:59,440
One, two, three, four.
602
00:30:59,480 --> 00:31:04,440
{\an1}BAND PLAYS SLOW, FOLKSY TUNE
603
00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,280
{\an1}APPLAUSE
604
00:31:32,320 --> 00:31:34,920
I felt like a parent watching it.
605
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:37,720
Proud? Proud or ashamed>
606
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,960
I had to rush from the meeting
for the... Oh...
607
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:45,400
It was VERY GOOD, darling!
608
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,160
It was catchy.
609
00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:51,720
It was a nice little tune,
and I did, it wasn't like a standard
610
00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,160
blues riff, I mean, I composed it
from scratch.
611
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:55,720
No way.
612
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,160
It was... Brilliant.
613
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:03,200
Really good.
614
00:32:03,240 --> 00:32:05,040
You know, it was vaguely engaging.
615
00:32:05,080 --> 00:32:06,360
Who's next?
616
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,680
OK, we're going to see someone who
has genuinely been in these bands.
617
00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:10,960
Pin Drop, Three Line Whip
618
00:32:11,000 --> 00:32:12,480
The New Hardcore Skiffle Movement,
619
00:32:12,520 --> 00:32:17,240
The Capri Sun Quartet and the Wow
Scenario. Yes, it's James Acaster.
620
00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,640
{\an1}APPLAUSE
621
00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:22,600
We're Clump Stump, and this song is
called Over My Shoulder.
622
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:28,120
# Over my shoulder!
623
00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:29,440
# Older and older!
624
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:30,840
# That's what I told ya!
625
00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:34,640
# Over my shoulder!
626
00:32:34,680 --> 00:32:36,800
# I'm getting colder!
627
00:32:36,840 --> 00:32:38,240
# Is that a boulder?
628
00:32:44,040 --> 00:32:45,600
# Over my shoulder
629
00:32:45,640 --> 00:32:47,560
# Older and older
630
00:32:47,600 --> 00:32:49,160
# That's what I told ya! #
631
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:52,960
{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
632
00:32:57,600 --> 00:32:59,760
Can we dig down into what the
lyrics were about?
633
00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,920
Cos I know what the spirit of punk
is all about. Yeah.
634
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:04,000
Not conforming, not fitting in,
635
00:33:04,040 --> 00:33:06,280
not being told what to do by
The Man upstairs.
636
00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,760
You've got to look over your
shoulder your whole life. Yeah.
637
00:33:08,800 --> 00:33:11,000
Cos you never know who's
sneaking up on you. Yeah.
638
00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:12,520
You can't trust no-one.
639
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:14,400
That's why I sing over my shoulder,
640
00:33:14,440 --> 00:33:15,640
older and older.
641
00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:17,280
That's what I told ya.
642
00:33:18,320 --> 00:33:21,360
'Then you started getting, you said,
"I'm getting colder." Getting
colder.
643
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:25,240
'I'm getting colder. And then you
wondered if something was a boulder
or not. Is that a boulder?
644
00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:28,360
Yeah. Is that a boulder?
That's a metaphor for what?
645
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:29,880
Like, is that a boulder? Yeah.
646
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:32,400
Or is it a big rock?
647
00:33:32,440 --> 00:33:34,320
{\an1}LAUGHTER
648
00:33:35,520 --> 00:33:38,480
Right, it's the advertiser's turn
for some air time now,
649
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,360
but more music coming up
in part four,
650
00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:43,720
'plus, who will win
Jessica Knappett's
Victorian Christmas cards?
651
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:46,280
It's nail-biting entertainment
television.
652
00:33:46,320 --> 00:33:48,320
{\an1}APPLAUSE
653
00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:55,360
{\an1}APPLAUSE
654
00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,640
Welcome, welcome, it's the final
part of the show,
655
00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:02,960
and we're in the middle of a
toe-tapping musical task.
656
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:05,720
Indeed we are, Greg.
Armed with three talented musicians,
657
00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:08,320
Kieron Towers, George Bismer,
and of course,
658
00:34:08,360 --> 00:34:09,880
yes, it was Dan Edwards,
659
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:12,080
the contestants are
trying to compose
660
00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:14,040
the best 30 second piece of music.
661
00:34:14,080 --> 00:34:16,280
Next up, it's Jess.
662
00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:18,040
Hi, we're the Easy Triangles,
663
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:19,560
and this is our new hit single.
664
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:21,400
Here I Am, I'm A Violin.
665
00:34:21,440 --> 00:34:26,120
{\an1}BAND PLAYS UP TEMPO VIOLIN TUNE
666
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:48,760
{\an1}LAUGHTER
667
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:51,640
{\an1}APPLAUSE
668
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:56,880
It strikes me that that jig -
669
00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:58,480
would you call it a jig? Sure.
670
00:34:58,520 --> 00:35:01,120
That jig is missing only one thing.
671
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:03,920
A jig. Someone to perform a
lovely dance to it.
672
00:35:03,960 --> 00:35:06,960
Jig, jig, jig, jig!
673
00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:08,680
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
674
00:35:08,720 --> 00:35:10,160
{\an1}APPLAUSE
675
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:11,600
Do you want me to conduct?
676
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:12,640
Yes.
677
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:13,680
Yes, please.
678
00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:15,560
One, two, three, now!
679
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:17,480
{\an1}JESS' TUNE PLAYS
680
00:35:17,520 --> 00:35:21,680
{\an1}AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG
681
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:42,960
{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
682
00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:47,680
I'm sorry, Jess, I feel like we've
taken
683
00:35:47,720 --> 00:35:49,840
the spotlight away from your
wonderful song.
684
00:35:49,880 --> 00:35:53,360
No, please, all I ever wanted was
for the people to dance.
685
00:35:53,400 --> 00:35:55,280
{\an1}LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
686
00:35:56,280 --> 00:36:00,160
So, Rhod Gilbert.
Here is Rhodri's tune.
687
00:36:00,200 --> 00:36:03,440
This is the Ballad of
The Toothless Goon,
688
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:06,040
performed by The Little Match Girls.
689
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:09,880
'SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
Eastern Europe.
We join our toothless goon
690
00:36:09,920 --> 00:36:12,960
in an unassuming house, on an
unassuming street, where he sits
691
00:36:13,000 --> 00:36:14,920
by an unlit fire.
692
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:20,320
He snores, deeply.
693
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:24,240
Fast asleep,
despite his cold and stony hearth.
694
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:27,640
Wait, what's this?
A knock at the door.
695
00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:28,880
{\an1}KNOCKING
696
00:36:28,920 --> 00:36:31,640
The little match girl,
selling her wares.
697
00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:35,120
'She can't get the toothless goon's
attention.
KNOCKING
698
00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:36,840
So deeply does he sleep.
699
00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,800
She shakes her matches and bangs the
door, and in her desperation
700
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:42,680
she decides to knock at the
window and shout.
701
00:36:42,720 --> 00:36:45,160
(IN HIGH VOICE) Hi! Toothless goon!
702
00:36:45,200 --> 00:36:47,920
Hello!
703
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:49,000
Toothless goon!
704
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:53,920
Despite her shouts of Toothless
goon, the goon sleeps so deeply
705
00:36:53,960 --> 00:36:56,120
our little match girl decides to
come round
706
00:36:56,160 --> 00:36:58,560
the back of the house and
put the window through!
707
00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:02,320
But still, our goon, he sleeps.
708
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:05,000
{\an1}MUSIC CONTINUES SLOWLY
709
00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:07,320
Deeply and loudly.
710
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:11,040
He dreams of teeth in days gone by,
711
00:37:11,080 --> 00:37:14,200
and a lit hearth. Our little match
girl approaches with her matches
712
00:37:14,240 --> 00:37:16,280
and rests her hand
713
00:37:16,320 --> 00:37:18,440
upon his slumbering shoulder.
714
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,520
Whereupon our goon wakes up
with a startle!
715
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:22,960
{\an1}HE SCREAMS
716
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:26,120
Whizzes round and shoots her
shitting face off!
717
00:37:26,160 --> 00:37:27,840
{\an1}LAUGHTER
718
00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:32,200
{\an1}SAD NOTE
719
00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,480
{\an1}APPLAUSE
720
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:46,600
It's amazing how the last line
of a beautiful song
721
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:48,520
can rug-pull the rest of it.
722
00:37:48,560 --> 00:37:50,120
Rhod's composition was operatic,
723
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,280
in that it felt like it
lasted about five hours.
724
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:53,640
{\an1}LAUGHTER
725
00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:55,240
How long did it last, actually,
Alex?
726
00:37:55,280 --> 00:37:57,280
It lasted three times as long
as it should have.
727
00:37:57,320 --> 00:37:59,040
A minute and a half.
A minute and a half.
728
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,760
Was it supposed to last
for 30 seconds? To be fair to Rhod,
729
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:04,280
it's a harder narrative to cram
into 30 seconds
730
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:05,960
than "some people play blues"
731
00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:08,320
and "An irritated mother
honks her horn."
732
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:12,280
I'm not going to give anyone one
point, that's the good news.
733
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:15,440
Because I thoroughly enjoyed all
pieces of music.
734
00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:17,760
You've been generous today.
I am being generous today.
735
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:20,280
I am only going to give
Phil two points,
736
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:23,240
because I think it'll encourage him
to really dig down
737
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:25,600
and learn the
trumpet properly next time.
738
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:27,760
I'm going to give Kerry three
points.
739
00:38:27,800 --> 00:38:29,720
It was a very pretty tune.
Thank you.
740
00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:32,320
I'm going to give Rhod four points,
as well as James, because
741
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:36,120
'I think that story is going to be
told for up to one month after this
show.
742
00:38:36,160 --> 00:38:37,320
{\an1}LAUGHTER
743
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,680
And the most complete piece of
music,
744
00:38:39,720 --> 00:38:41,120
Jessica Knappett. Wow.
745
00:38:41,160 --> 00:38:43,080
{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
746
00:38:44,720 --> 00:38:46,760
So let's see what that's done
to the scoreboard.
747
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,600
Well,
we have a three way tie for the lead
748
00:38:49,640 --> 00:38:53,480
between James, Jess and Rhod,
they're all on 15!
749
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:55,760
{\an1}APPLAUSE
750
00:38:57,280 --> 00:38:59,120
Right, it's that time again, please,
751
00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:01,600
head up to the stage for
the final task of the show!
752
00:39:01,640 --> 00:39:03,040
{\an1}APPLAUSE
753
00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:12,360
All on a lovely stage, who's going
to read the task? Rhod Gilbert.
754
00:39:14,240 --> 00:39:18,360
Bob when you hear the surname
of a famous Bob.
755
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:22,240
{\an1}LAUGHTER
756
00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:23,760
That's a bob, is it?
757
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:25,480
Brilliant.
758
00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:27,720
Pat when you hear the surname of a
famous Pat.
759
00:39:29,200 --> 00:39:31,840
Kneel when you hear the surname
of a famous Neil.
760
00:39:31,880 --> 00:39:34,520
Stew when you hear the surname
of a famous Stu.
761
00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:36,200
Stew? Stu.
762
00:39:36,240 --> 00:39:38,320
Do you mean stir?
763
00:39:38,360 --> 00:39:41,960
Stew, the international sign
language...
764
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:43,880
Anybody want some stew?
765
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:48,920
And wane when you hear the surname
of a famous Wayne.
766
00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:51,280
Like the moon, getting smaller,
like the moon.
767
00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:56,440
Right. I love this.
768
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,080
If you do an incorrect action or
fail to do any action
769
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:00,760
within ten seconds of
hearing the name,
770
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:01,880
you're disqualified.
771
00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:04,720
Last person correctly bobbing,
772
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:07,040
patting, kneeling, stewing
773
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:09,480
or waning, wins.
774
00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:11,280
So, blindfolds on, please.
775
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:12,640
Good luck, everybody.
776
00:40:12,680 --> 00:40:14,840
Greg will say a surname, you then
have ten seconds,
777
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:16,360
I will be counting the ten seconds.
778
00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:18,760
At the end of that we see who's
though to the next round.
779
00:40:18,800 --> 00:40:20,280
Good. Here we go.
780
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:22,640
Marley.
781
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:27,000
{\an1}LAUGHTER
782
00:40:28,800 --> 00:40:30,440
That's it, yeah.
783
00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:32,360
OK, OK.
784
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:37,480
And that's ten seconds up, they have
all done the correct action.
785
00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:40,600
I don't think Rhod Gilbert should be
congratulated for doing one bob.
786
00:40:40,640 --> 00:40:41,960
Next one.
787
00:40:42,000 --> 00:40:43,600
Armstrong.
788
00:40:49,040 --> 00:40:50,240
{\an1}LAUGHTER
789
00:40:55,240 --> 00:40:58,880
James Acaster! James Acaster. James,
you must go back to the bench.
790
00:40:58,920 --> 00:41:02,240
I was thinking about Lance!
I was going to lance somewhere!
791
00:41:02,280 --> 00:41:03,840
{\an1}LAUGHTER
792
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:05,960
{\an1}APPLAUSE
793
00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:08,600
Sit on the bench.
794
00:41:09,560 --> 00:41:10,960
First man on the moon!
795
00:41:13,600 --> 00:41:15,320
There are four left.
796
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:17,800
Sleep.
797
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:20,280
Sleep?
798
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:28,360
Wang! Sit down!
799
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:29,560
Wang is out!
800
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:31,560
Come home. Come home, Wang.
801
00:41:31,600 --> 00:41:34,600
Phil, that was Wayne Sleep.
802
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:36,160
Second man on the moon.
803
00:41:37,240 --> 00:41:38,600
OK, here we go, next name.
804
00:41:38,640 --> 00:41:40,680
This is going to sort to
wheat from the chaff.
805
00:41:41,880 --> 00:41:43,160
Gretzky.
806
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:51,800
{\an1}LAUGHTER
807
00:41:51,840 --> 00:41:53,520
Gretzky? Gretzky.
808
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,760
Three seconds.
He's got to do something.
809
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:57,640
Oooh!
810
00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:01,120
OK! I'm afraid we have lost Kerry
Godliman,
811
00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:05,760
who referred to Pay Gretzky, who
does not play ice hockey.
812
00:42:05,800 --> 00:42:07,160
Wayne Gretzky does.
813
00:42:07,200 --> 00:42:08,520
I knew that!
814
00:42:08,560 --> 00:42:10,440
So we have a play off now.
815
00:42:10,480 --> 00:42:12,600
Holness.
816
00:42:15,240 --> 00:42:16,720
Holness.
817
00:42:18,040 --> 00:42:19,560
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
818
00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:21,400
Oooh.
819
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:23,480
I'm afraid Jessica must sit down.
820
00:42:23,520 --> 00:42:24,680
Argh!
821
00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:27,600
Unfortunately, Stewart Holness
has retired.
822
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:31,040
The winner is, ladies and gentlemen,
823
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:32,200
Rhod Gilbert!
824
00:42:32,240 --> 00:42:33,920
{\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
825
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,960
Come down, let's add that to the
total scores and see where we are.
826
00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:47,760
'So, come on, scoreboard, that's got
to have really mixed things up.
It has.
827
00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:50,960
This episode, it was close right to
the end, but thanks to Bob Holness,
828
00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:53,600
the winner with 20 points
829
00:42:53,640 --> 00:42:55,000
is Mr Rhod Gilbert!
830
00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:56,680
{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
831
00:42:59,760 --> 00:43:01,880
Rhod is the winner of episode eight.
832
00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:05,640
Rhod,
go collect your creepy clutter!
833
00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:07,240
{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
834
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:09,120
So, what have we learned today?
835
00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:11,440
We've learned if you're a lovely
little match girl,
836
00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:12,680
living in poverty,
837
00:43:12,720 --> 00:43:15,160
be careful who you're charitable to,
838
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:17,200
or you might get your shitting
face shot off.
839
00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:21,120
See you next time for the
penultimate part of this series.
840
00:43:21,160 --> 00:43:22,760
Thank you. Goodnight!
841
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:24,400
{\an1}APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
842
00:43:29,240 --> 00:43:32,240
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