All language subtitles for Stella s05e09.enng

The following program contains strong
language.

My family has to come first.

Then you leave me not. You're dismissed.

Hello. I'd like you to meet Suzanne.

We reinstate Auntie Brenda as Mayor of
Ponterbury with immediate effect.

Is she aware of how you feel?

She believes I hate her.

I'm on custody. I'm taking you to court.

You want to fight?

Bring it on, old man.

All right?

Yep. Just measuring my marrow.

Curse of the vegetable garden.
Everything sounds like an innuendo.

I've only just come out here, by the
way. Been on the phone all day. OK.

Tried every law firm in Cardiff, but
nothing's doing.

I'd look further afield, but if I want
to be around for the baby, then...

Anything from Beyoncé?

No. She won't even take my calls, let
alone let me see Jackson.

I spoke to a lawyer friend of mine who
specialises in custody cases. He's

already sent a letter.

Oh, well.

Must you get things moving?

Now, are you going to get changed?

Any Rob and Susanna beer in a minute?

Sure. Just going to put this prize
winner to bed.

Prize winner!

You'll be lucky, Michael Jackson.

Aunty Brenda, I know you're an expert in
a wide variety of topics, but I didn't

realise that extended to summer
squashes.

George, the butcher, have won the
Ponteberry flour and produce show every

since 1989.

I'm not saying how.

I'm not one to make slanderful
accusations.

Fair enough.

Bribery, that's how.

That and the fact that he is very good
at growing marrow.

Yeah, well, so is Michael.

Look at that.

Aw. Like a marrow, only smaller.

How was your day, my love?

Oh, I've been rushed off my feet,
dishing out advice to the poor and

that Michael Jackson, unemployed, going
for custody of a love child, and now

making the biggest mistake of his life
by entering a marrow against George the

Butcher. The fool.

I'd like to wipe the smile off George's
face.

And not just because he tried to defrock
me as mayor, although that is a

contributory factor.

Maybe I could help to wipe the smile off
his face.

What do you mean?

Who is he again?

Kerwin Collins.

Famous poet, apparently.

Never heard of him. No, me.

Buried on a patch on Palmares.

God, there's loads to do.

There's nearly half a sex. I promised
Jack I'd be back to tuck him in.

Bobby Giffins, Larry Morgan.

In by you.

I have news.

Good news.

I have today a new job accepted at the
Conservatoire du Morte.

The Conservatoire du Morte?

The most prestigious undertaker's
academy in the world?

Based in Middlesbrough?

You must be delighted.

Yes, my heart soars like an eagle on the
wind.

That's great, Ivan. Congratulations.

You took my advice, then?

Making a new start and moving away from
Nadine?

This concerns Nadine Bevan not.

I have for many years wished to work at
the Conservatoire de Morte.

Also, they say Middlesbrough is
wonderful at this time of year.

Indeed they do.

So, who's going to manage this place for
you, then, while you're gone? I know

not.

Perhaps someone who understands the
industry and has a CB as impeccable as

French?

I know you're rushed off your feet, so
why don't I look after our famous poet

for you?

I'm more than capable.

That would remove a load from my
shoulder. Also, to tell the truth, I

nothing of poetry.

Apart from Pam Ayres.

That's a beauty and no mistake.

Like a green Hindenburg.

Did you want something, Auntie Brenda?

Only to admire the perfect form of your
marrow.

And to give you, as they do say in
America, a heads -up about some council

business.

Which is? I'm proposing, and this is big
with a capital B, that we change the

garden waste bins from green to red.

What? No.

You know how I feel about refuse bin
colouring. Really? I had no idea.

You will change those colours over my
dead body.

That's the price I'm willing to pay.

This is a scandal.

We're so sorry for you, Lost.

Your brother was a great man.

Indeed he was.

The finest poet of his generation.

I take it you're familiar with his
writing?

Yes, of course.

It's so important to me that he's laid
to rest by people who embrace his work.

Definitely.

So is there anything in particular you'd
like in the funeral service?

Readings of his poems, obviously.

Like some of his early work, perhaps?

He burned his early poems.

Everybody knows that.

Well, yes, his early poems he did.

Then how about something from his later
period?

Yes.

That's what I was thinking too.

And did you have any thoughts on music?

I thought that would be obvious.

He writes about his musical taste in the
poem I Love the Beatles.

The Beatles it is then?

No.

The title was ironic. He hated the
Beatles.

I thought you knew his work.

We do. Of course. Just tell me that
you're planning on involving Sian

in the service.

Definitely. I'll just get her details.

He never left her side.

Till now.

How long did he follow you for? Up

the hill and back again.

I thought, well, if the ranting don't
kill him, the exercise probably will.

What? Oh, don't say you feel sorry for
him now.

No, it's just good to see you laugh
again.

You used to laugh a lot.

I laugh plenty, thank you.

I know.

I was just thinking, well, hoping that
maybe we could go back to how things

to be back in the day.

I'll think about it.

Did you say... I said, I'll think about
it.

Sian Llywelyn Ap Morfydd was the lover
and muse of Welsh poet Cerwyn Curadog

Colin. Her untimely death was a major
influence on his writing, in particular

the poem Death Dark Tunnel, Everybody
Dies and She's Dead, She's Dead, Dear

She's Dead.

Oh, I bet he was a laugh on New Year's
Eve.

Right, you get us a book of his poems
after thinking of a colour scheme for

funeral. Did he do any poems about
colours?

Black, black, all is black.

Oh, well, that's narrowed it down.

Bob, when's Ivan starting his new job?

Oh, your guess is as good as mine. I did
try to ask him this morning, but he was

off to the produce show with his
wreaths.

Be awful if he didn't pick you and he
put some stranger in charge.

Oh, tell me about it.

Undertaking's the only thing I'm any
good at.

I've tried image consultancy, security,
guardian of the well, no celebrity

reflexology.

It's not funny.

You try massaging Keith Chegwin's feet.

They'll wake up screaming.

Right. I can't promise this will be any
good, but the recipe's supposed to be

easy to follow, so if it's rubbish, you
can blame Jamie Oliver.

You might want to get drunk first. Are
you?

It looks lovely, Stella. What is it?

Moroccan chicken tagine.

Oh, that's posh. Oh, no, we eat this all
the time.

All right, Michael.

The sauce has got a bit of wine in it,
but otherwise it's low -fat, so it's

for... Well, you know.

Those of us awaiting life -or -death
operations.

Any news on that?

Um, no.

Oh, Rob is a man of few words.

Sometimes I could strangle him.
Sometimes she tries.

We're still waiting for the new
consultant to give us a date.

The delay is not good, but hopefully
we'll hear soon and then we'll go to

London.

See? Wasn't so hard, was it?

Stella, this is superb.

It really is. Did you seriously make
this?

I think there's a compliment in there
somewhere. It's always the same.

They're sweet as kittens when you fuck
me.

Then three months down the line, you end
up worrying about it going to take out

the trash.

Actually, we had a row when we first
met. We sort of crashed into each other

shared a beautiful moment of road rage.
Oh, that is so cute.

See, told you.

And how did you and Rob meet?

Oh, well, didn't Rob's construction
company build a new wing on your

And you ended up arguing about the roof
tiles. So he took you out to dinner to

try and talk you round.

I have fluke.

Well, he told me, actually, so I
probably got the details wrong.

No, that's exactly how it happened.

Valid? Anyone?

than a Wales -England rugby
international, and just as ugly.

Now, judging I've started in a few of
the categories, but the results aren't

till three, so there's plenty of time to
get picked on some lovely homemade

wine. Oi!

Quinnell! Watch our mouthy one.

Fair play.

Just to repeat, results aren't till
three, so there's plenty of time to have

drink of some fucking lovely homemade
wine.

People do think Pansies is soft because
of the name, like.

But they are the hardest flower there
is.

They survived a nuclear war along with
cockroaches and mollusks.

And my mate Kenny has built his own
shelter.

Bet they won't survive a pint of this.

I told you.

It's the new batch. It ain't half as
strong.

What a fine -looking specimen.

It's got to be in with a chance there.

I thought you said it was too small.

Must have been a chick of the light.

Yeah, but George the Butcher isn't here
yet. Oh, well then, perhaps fate is on

your side today, Michael Jackson.

Have you got hay fever or something?

Ask me no boss names, I'll tell you no
what you call.

Ooh,

here we are. Here we are!

Do you think you'll be like her when you
grow up?

I really hope not.

Right, I'd better be heading off.

If the pub's quiet, I'll try and finish
early. Come back and watch you win first

prize.

Good luck.

I must say, that's wonderful.

What is it?

Apricot infused with brandy blended with
a summer compote. And marinated in a

troker of sugar.

Sorry, what? She means striker. It means
a blend of three things.

I know what I mean.

Anyway, it's very good.

Well done.

It's not even my first language and I'm
correcting you. It's quite funny,

really.

Or not funny at all.

Need a lift?

No, you're all right.

Just heading into work to do the
exercise.

I could do with the company.

It's literally two minutes.

What a lovely two minutes it'll be.

Thanks again for last night.

Fun, wasn't it?

And Suzanne's lovely.

Very, what's the word?

Very Rob.

Meaning?

Meaning you always land on your feet.

What? I'm being nice.

I'm glad you've come over.

Someone needs to sort you out.

Where are you going, anyway?

Oh, I just dropped her off at Luke's.
They're taking the kids to the park.

It's nice she wants to spend time with
them. They're very lucky.

Well, I always land on my feet.

Right. Thanks for the lift.

So, you know, we've been waiting for a
date for the surgery.

Oh, don't tell me they've changed their
mind.

No, it's a week today.

I heard this morning.

Oh, God, you must be so relieved.

Yeah. I mean, I can think of a hundred
other things I'd rather be doing, but...

You watch.

It'll be over before you know it. You
can start running marathons again.

Look,

I'm really sorry, but I've got to go.

Sorry. What are you doing?

I meant to stop my shift in ten minutes.

Oh, come on. Skive off work. Live a
little.

Having better?

I haven't lost.

Lost. Lost.

Have you an interest in funeral wreaths?

No. Funeral wreaths will always remind
me of death.

Well, I'll be off.

Soon I must leave Pontybury.

What?

I am to move to the historic town of
Middlesborough.

Don't know why you're telling me.

I mean nothing to you. And vice versa,
I'm sure.

Isn't it beautiful?

Er, yeah.

You don't remember.

Shame on you.

October half -term, 1986.

We cycled up here, I got a puncture,
missed the last bus, spent the night in

pub, and then... Yeah, all right, I
remember now.

Well, I thought it'd be fun to come back
here and have lunch.

Rob Morgan.

Having fun.

Come on.

Walk will do us good.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, don't you just love the country air?

It's the low alcohols, isn't it? Lower.

But still with sun and floral overtones.

And it's great for wind. I don't have
wind.

You will have.

I don't believe it.

Clem Draper.

What are they, Pa?

Chief Baxter.

Fax. The axe.

Bash! No way!

I haven't seen you since Mason's Arms at
Twitch, 1978.

Oh, bloody hell! Oh, those were the
days.

Pure rock and roll.

Delighted to see you.

Signed with them a couple of weeks back.
Nothing serious.

Doing what you love, though. Aye.

Still skint, mind.

So what about you? What are you doing
here?

Got a stall.

Fertiliser. That's great, man. It's not
what you call glamorous, but it's

steady, you know. Will Keith Baxter
please return to his side?

He's got somebody who would like to talk
to about... Ertelizer.

...pig shit.

Right, well, that's me then.

Nice to see you again.

And you.

Keep on rocking, you two pal.

Closed down a year or so back. Ah, there
we are then.

Best we head in home.

I think it's locked, Rob.

I won't tell if you want.

And pansies are such a resilient flower.

The lady even survived a nuclear war,
along with mollusks and your mate Kenny,

as you said. Look, I've really got to
go. The judging's about to start.

Mike, can I have a word?

So you're talking to me now? Oh, I don't
know. I argue, OK? Not in front of

Jack's head. Stop your... Sorry.

Neither do I.

Hello, little man.

I got the letter from your solicitor.

About the custody thing.

Sorry, but that's what I think's best.

For all of us.

No, I'm sorry for not being honest with
you.

What do you mean?

See, the thing is...

Jackson isn't you well?

What?

I only said you were the dad because
you're loaded.

You should never let it go on this long.

I think I'm that stupid.

You're only doing this to stop me
applying for custody. What?

No, it's true.

Really? Yeah, because your track record
on telling the truth is great.

Oh, oh, my God, I am not lying!

You are not Jackson's father, OK?

Well, if I'm not his father, who is?

Cackers.

Fucking hell.

Cackers? Well, how can you be so sure? A
girl just knows, OK? Don't make me

spell it out.

So is there anything else you want this
lot to know, or can I go? I don't

believe you.

I want a paternity test.

Beyoncé.

And the winner is... George the Butcher.

Would you believe it?

Some little bugger stole what they
thought was my marrow.

But that was just my safety marrow.

My prize winners are kept under lock and
key and are only picked by the light of

the full moon.

Some people, eh, Auntie Brenda?

What was up here?

Don't tell me you've forgotten the
bedrooms.

A little goldmine, this place.

We should buy it, then.

We might do.

Tighten it up a bit. Put Luke in tight.

I can even run it myself.

You could help.

I know how to pull a pint press, but
what do I know about running a pub?

In fact, what do you know about running
a pub?

Just a thought.

We're friends, Rob.

Nothing more.

Friends don't kiss each other.

Oh, now, look. Friends don't leave long,
answerful messages saying that they

love you, but not in that way. This
isn't fair. Even though you can hear in

their voice that it is in that way.

The truth is, Stella,

I don't think you and I can be just
friends.

I should have been us.

See you now, boy. Grow up.

Going on holiday. All that stuff we
never did.

Cut the self -pity. It really doesn't
suit you.

Stella. No.

Don't say it. I need to be with you,
Stella, for the rest of my life, however

short that is.

Oh, you're not playing that card.

It's not a card.

Sorry.

What are you suggesting, then?

We move here.

Run a pub. Get the bloody pub.

I'll go anywhere and do anything to be
with you.

Ponterbury, Canada, Pimber, Sodden too.

And what about Suzanne?

She's not you. And Michael?

What about Michael?

He's not me.

I'm not doing this.

Stella. We are not doing this.

You think if you and me had got
together, it would have been some big

romance, but it wouldn't.

I'd have got fed up of washing your
socks, and you'd have yelled at me for

loading the dishwasher wrong. I might
not. Or a million and one other boring

domestic things. Well, there's only one
way to find out, isn't there? Oh, for

fuck's sake, Rob, it's not going to
happen.

We had a chance, and we chose not to
take it. Oh, come on, Stella. And you

can't, on a whim, decide you want to
make a go of things again. What do you

mean, on a whim? Because it's too late.
We both left it too late.

And you're with Suzanne now, and I'm
with Michael. And not because he's

best, but because I love him.

I know.

Remember when we'd been going out for
six months?

You made me that little silver heart.

God, yeah, you remember that?

Well, I kept it.

Did you?

And I carry it with me.

In here.

Because you're always going to be a part
of my life, Rob.

And I am always going to love you.

And that doesn't change how I feel about
Michael, because what me and Michael

have got is so different.

We've got Luke, you and me.

And we've got our story.

We just haven't got a future, Bob.

but we have.

Because you were so wrong when you said
you and me couldn't be friends. We can

be the best friends on this planet
because I am so loyal to you.

And I will kill anyone who ever hurts
you, including Suzanne, although I think

that's unlikely because she's absolutely
besotted.

Also, I think she looks like she might
beat me in a fight.

I know you're scared about next week.

It's going to be all right, sweetheart.

And tears of death are always willing to
fall upon the hell and killing.

Are all his poems about death?

No, no, there's one beautiful little
bunny rabbit called Hoppy.

Who dies makes him a toast.

You have not finished the arranging of
the poet's funeral?

Yeah, we get in there. It's taken us all
day to find the flowers.

Roses of black?

Cadwyn's favourite colour.

The rose of black is very expensive.

Yeah. And not in the budget. The extra
from our profit comes.

It's only a few quid. We are not a case
of charity.

Have you finished the order of service?

We're just about to. Just about? The
funeral is tomorrow and the printers,

are closing at six.

I've rang them and they've said they're
happy to work late.

For a few extra quid. What?

No! No, no, no! This is unacceptable!

Ivan?

Have you been drinking?

Again? That is not the question.

Well, it's a question.

I have funeraled around the world for
princes and for paupers.

For stars on stage and screen. Next
week, I am to arrange an open casket

for a 92 -year -old queen of drag.

I do not need your help or advice.

Now, go!

I will sort out this mess.

Mess? What mess? Not another word.

But it's so unfair. No. You're being
unreasonable.

Silence. Let me work.

Young at heart, yet what a start.

Old before their time.

They married young for love at last.

was their only crime.

How come I love them now? How come I
love them more?

He's good, isn't he?

You a fella?

He's not my fella.

My mistake.

You're so young.

A lot of people think the pansies are so
clever. Go away. Roger that.

You're so young.

Hello. Well, am I glad to see you.

Oh, sweetheart, you didn't win.

No, I came second.

It's just a stupid marrow composition.
It's not that bad.

Bad is what Beyonce told me this
afternoon.

You're so young at heart.

Yes, for tomorrow, the order of
services.

No, I will not pay extra.

I do not care.

Just print and deliver.

I send now.

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Go on.

Oh, what a night.

Shoot.

Keith was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

Said he was going to quit his job and
get the band back together. I said, no

way.

I'm sticking here with my Brenda.

See how things play out. He was all
like, nah, man, let's just hit the road.

I said, no way, pal.

Oliver, how can you leave her again?

There are many, many crazy things that
will keep me loving

you.

And with your permission, may I list a
few?

The way you wear your hat.

The way you...

I mean,

there's no way she can say for sure that
Kekus is the father, even if she did

sleep with him.

I mean, I was right to ask for a
paternity test, wasn't I?

I don't know.

What do the rest of Ponterbury think?

Yeah, probably not the best forum to
announce that.

God, it's such a mess, isn't it?

Actually, don't answer that. Just say,
it'll all be fine.

It'll all be fine.

Michael?

Yeah?

I've been having a little think today,
and there's something I want to talk to

you about.

Something important.

Namaste. There you go.

Thanks.

You want some more?

Is it locally sourced?

It's from the corner shop.

Right. But is it fair trade?

I have no idea what that means.

I can do you some eggs, if you like.

Um... Actually, I'm vegan.

You eat chicken, though, don't you,
babe?

Only when my blood sugar's low.

You're a diabetic, ma 'am, and the
doctors didn't even spot it.

Oh. The Western doctors didn't with
their corporate blinkers.

But, Stella, please, don't worry.

I'll pick up some quinoa later on from
one of your local shops.

Good luck with that.

I'm, er... I'm going to go and meditate
to Tali. I'm a bit out of balance.

It's Harley.

It's Hindy, the butterfly.

I'm fleeing there.

Emma, love.

You were going to ask me about Sonny and
you.

No, I was going to ask you about your
toast.

And then I was going to ask what the
hell you mean by telling me that Oak is

your husband.

I mean, what happened with Sonny? I
thought you were going to make a go of

We tried it for a while, but we soon
realised we'd come to the end of our

journey together.

Oh, is that Orc throwing his voice?

Orc isn't my husband in boring Western
terms.

The monk that did the ceremony said our
spirits were entwined for eternity.

Which I think's better.

And when exactly did all this happen?

That's not important.

How long have you known him, Em?

Three weeks.

That's two thanks but no thanks from
people who said they'd consider me. I

you anything Maria's behind all of this.
Give me a crappy reference.

There's a cat here at Ticket.

Hey.

It's life's gift to settle challenges.

The wings of a dove are stronger than
the swords of a thousand armies.

Oh.

Titali, where's my meditation cushion?

In my rucksack under your iPad.

Good morning, my sweet.

I made you breakfast.

Five minutes.

What's all this?

It's been fun, Clem. It really has.

Really? But you're the proverbial
rolling stone and I'm a stick in the

I don't want to spend my life telling
you what you should or shouldn't be

even if I could do so with uncanny
accuracy.

But I want to be with you.

Last night Kiko was going on about going
back on the road with all expenses

paid. Mind, the guy's loaded.

But I still said no.

In a heartbeat.

It wasn't a heartbeat, Boot.

The two of you talked about it for over
an hour, laughing and joking.

What are you going to do, stat?

I mean, yes, you'll have the prestige of
being married to a local celebrity

slash political fire brand, but deep
down, you and me are as different as

and cheesecake.

If I were you, I'd go and see that Keith
Feller and have a chat.

Last night, when we came home... Did we?

No.

Yeah.

He's still not answering his phone.
Shall we just tell Reverend what's to

started? You can't start a funeral
without an audit of service. We're not

animal.

Oh!

I have them here.

I have just from the princess picked
them up, give these out for her.

Right. All set. Ready to go? Just giving
out the audit of service.

Thank goodness.

To be honest, I don't know anything
about Kerwin Collins, so any

glad to receive.

Oh, my God!

Ivan, did you check these?

There was no time. Come, we must not
delay.

Only I'm pretty sure Kerwin Collins
wasn't a 92 -year -old drag queen.

Why are you working up here?

Well, I tried downstairs, but Oak
started telling me about ley lines.

Anyway, I'm heading to Cardiff in a bit,
do some networking, try and drum up

some work.

I thought we could have dinner tonight.

You'll be back about eight -ish, won't
you?

Hopefully. I've no idea who's going to
see me or when.

I just thought it'd be nice to, you
know, cut you off.

Have a chat and stuff. I know. It's just
this custody case, when it comes to

court, the first question the judge will
ask me will be about my finances. I can

hardly say I'm unemployed, can I?

What about what's -his -face, Al
-Khamadi? There's no point.

Maria's contacted everyone I worked
with. Poured poison in their ears.

So tell them she's wrong.

Well, it's not that easy. If it was, I'd
do it. Anyway, there's such a thing as

professional pride.

OK.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'll be back for dinner.

Sadly, Kerwin

is no longer with us. And that is very
sad indeed.

But his memory lives on in some of his
best -remembered poems.

Like, um... She's dead.

She's deaf!

And of course... Helen Keller.

Helen Keller.

Anyway, we are blessed that Gwyneth, his
beloved sister, is here to

read perhaps his most famous work, which
may be in the order of service.

Bit of a mix -up there, sorry.

Luckily for you, I don't need it. I know
it. On my heart.

Everybody died.

Like Kerwin Collins.

The postman walking down the lane will
die alone,

engulfed in pain.

All of us will die.

Die.

Die.

It goes on like that for another 15
verses, and to be honest, it is a bit...

But... At the end...

There's a verse about the one thing that
made him happy, the love of his life,

Sian.

Then rising through the hurt and sorrow,
a reason comes to see tomorrow.

For though we may be worlds apart, she
lives forever in my heart.

Even though she died, Sian stayed with
Kerwin throughout his life, both in year

and in by year.

So things fit then.

That they be buried together.

I've not been so moved since my father
was jailed for stealing a horse.

There's no doubt you have what it takes
to be a master undertaker.

The manager's position is yours.

Thank you, Yvonne!

Thank you! I won't let you down,
promise!

I got the job!

Sorry to hear that.

Sorry to hear that.

So?

Stella? What do you think?

It's incredible.

What's going on?

I've been romantic.

In the allotment?

What's wrong with the allotment?

You've shagged me enough times in our
shed.

I thought you were being romantic.

Fancy some champagne?

Yes. Actually, I brought some as well.

I've got something to celebrate.

Which is?

Well, after a fruitless job search in
Cardiff, I thought, what would Stella do

in this situation?

So I took your advice and I called Al
-Khamadi.

And? He offered me a job.

Period. A couple of days a week in the
office, but mainly working from home, so

I get more time with Jackson once this
paternity thing's sorted. Anyway, thank

you.

I should listen to you more often. You
really should.

Hang on a minute. What have you got in
champagne?

Well, you see, the thing is... I don't

want to be your lovely girlfriend
anymore.

OK.

I want to be your lovely wife.

So are you doing what I think you're
doing? Shut up. I've rehearsed this and

everything.

Michael Matthew Jackson.

Will you do me the honour... Shouldn't
you be down on one knee?

In the mud?

That's what I do, to be fair.

What, you really expect... Where's my
ring?

Men don't have rings.

Sexist. Are you trying to put me off on
purpose?

Sorry.

I think I'm a bit nervous.

Go on.

I've lost my drift now.

Sorry.

I love you totally and unreservedly and
completely

and unconditionally and... Well, do you
want to marry

me or what?

Like you wouldn't believe.

I know I don't fit in that much.

But I'm yours.

I just heard you two are getting
married. If I do not ask you this, I

with regret until my dying breath.

You all right, do you, Lukey?

You know me, ma 'am.

Nervous deal.

This is exactly what it looks like.

You still love her, don't you, Rob?

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