All language subtitles for Dr.Seuss.The.Cat.In.The.Hat.2003.BDRip.720p.x264.DTS-WAF

There are gajillions
of stories of mischief and fun,

but to keep things simple,
let's start with just one

about a mom and two kids
and a house and a hat

that, oddly enough, was worn by a cat.

But soon enough
we will get to all that.

In the valley that stretches
from this hill to that hill,

a city is nestled.

That city is Anville.

Hurry up!
We'll miss the movie!

Any more tutti-frutti?

I'll check.
Thanks!

It's a town that's not huge,
but quite big enough

for buyers and sellers
to sell and buy stuff,

from shoes and shirts
and elongated ladders

to sailboats and gibble-grated
berry-juice bladders.

So our story begins at the
corner of Main and Montroob

in the spotless real estate office

run by Hank Humberfloob.

Humberfloob Real Estate.

How can we make your dreams come true?

What do you mean, you're leaving?

You're a babysitter.

Babysitters don't leave.
They sit.

Baby-leavers leave.

I'm sorry. I really
gotta go, Miss Walden.

Well, I need to come home right away.

I forgot.

All right.
Thank you, Amy.

Sorry.

Attention, everyone.
It's 9:02.

Staff meeting.
Staff meeting.

First I'd like to welcome aboard

our newest member
of the Humberfloob family,

Jim McFlinnagan!

Mr.
Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...

Fired.
I beg your pardon?

Fired.

But I...

Fired!

As you know, tonight is our
bimonthly Meet & Greet party.

Tonight's host is Joan Walden.

This is where people can
meet our real estate agents

in an informal, yet hygienic setting.

Mr. Humberfloob, I have
to get home to my kids.

Ah, yes.

Your children.

Joan, let me make
this perfectly clear.

If your house is as
messy as last time,

you're fired!

That's pretty clear,
Mr. Humberfloob.

Don't worry. I promise,

my kids'll be on their best behavior.

Great.

Humberfloob Real Estate.

How can we make your dreams come true?

Please hold.

If you leave Humberfloob's
and turn left onto Main,

three miles down
you'll find Lipplapper Lane,

a pleasant-enough street
in a pleasant-enough way

where a neighbor greeted neighbor
with a neighborly "Hey!"

- Hey!
- Hey!

Here the hedges were hedged,
the weeds were all weeded,

and lawns were mowed daily,
twice daily if needed.

And at the end of this street,
in a house like any other,

something magical would happen
to a sister and her brother.

Nevins, stealth mode.

Today's to-do list.

Make to-do list.

Practice coloring.

Research graduate schools.

Be spontaneous.

Create lasting childhood memories.

Amend will.

What is he doing?

Make tomorrow's to-do list.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Nevins, your attention, please.

You are about to witness the
third most spectacular stunt

ever performed under this roof!

Do you know how hard it's getting

to tell people that we're related?

Relax.
I'll put everything back.

And now, for the indoor stair luge!

Indoor stair luge?

I'll have to add this one to my list.

Go have no fun somewhere else.

It is showtime!

Oh, my word!

Nevins!

Nevins, come back!

Hey, Mom. What's up?

You are so lucky you
didn't ruin this dress.

Mom, I know you're angry, but
there's something you need to know.

This was all Sally's fault.

Really?

And how, exactly,
was it Sally's fault?

Give me a minute.
I'm working on it.

Save it, Conrad.

Why today? Why did you have to
pick today to destroy the house?

You know what's happening today.

I tried to tell him, Mom.

"Mom's throwing a very
important party," I said.

"All of her important
clients will be here."

But he went right ahead
and wrecked the house,

and let Nevins get away.

Now, again, I hope
you're going to ground him.

Yes, Sally, for a week,

but that's none of your business.

A week?
Come on. Two days.

I asked you to do one thing today,
Conrad, keep the house clean.

Do you know how frustrating it is

that you're always doing the
exact opposite of what I say?

Knock, knock, knock.

Someone lose a dog?

I found him next door
in my yard, again.

You are a saint.

And here I thought you were only
dating me for my good looks.

Lucky us.
Larry Quinn is here.

Hey-a, sport.
Call me Lawrence. Okay?

You rescued Nevins.
Thanks, Lawrence.

It was my pleasure, Sally.

Anything for my little princess.

I don't wanna be a princess.

In a constitutional monarchy,

parliament has all the real power.

I see.
Okay, that's great.

Look, pal, be a sport.

Why don't you go
tidy up the living room.

Okay, dude?

I don't have to listen to you, Larry.

Conrad, do what Lawrence says.

Have you given some thought
about the Wilhelm Academy?

You mean the Colonel Wilhelm
Military Academy for Troubled Youth?

That's the one, Joan.

I'm not sure it's right for Conrad.

Oh, Joan, Joan.

Joan, Joan, Joan.

I have so much respect for you, Joan.

Single mother, career woman,
raising two children on your own,

and still finding time to be the best
darned real estate agent in town.

I know how hard it is, Joan.

It is hard.

I know.

And I know how hard you're trying.

This is a once-in-a-
lifetime proposition,

and you must act now.

The Colonel Wilhelm Military
Academy for Troubled Youth

is what we call in the sales
game a win-win scenario.

A top-flight
military school,

and it's only eight hours away.

The phone.

I heard what you said.

I'm not going to
military school, Larry.

Look, buddy,

I know I'm not your dad,

and this is probably
really strange for you,

your neighbor's dating your mom.

But here's the thing, son.
Come here.

I don't like you, either.

But I'm gonna marry your mom.

And if it was up to me, you'd
be at military school today.

I'm not going to military school.

I think you're gonna love it.

It's just like summer camp,
except with brutal forced marches

and soul-crushing discipline.

And one more thing, it's Lawrence,

you snot-nosed son
of a wonderful woman

who I'm absolutely crazy about!

Gosh, I love children!

Joan, I didn't see you there.

Would you be a doll and help me

bring up chairs from the basement?

Nothing would give me more pleasure,
Joan, but I do have to run.

I have a very important
sales conference downtown.

Okay.

Well, I'll see you
at the party tonight.

Sure.

Mom, that guy's a total phony.

You can't let Larry...

It's Lawrence, Conrad.

Kate's Catering.
I'm here to do your party tonight.

Hi. Where's Kate?

I'm Kate.

Okay.

Right this way, Kate.

Quiet!

Two weeks ago you said you would...

I "specialed" it. See?

Quiet! Nevins!

I said quiet!

Joan Walden Real Estate.

Be it ever so humble,
there's no place like Joan.

This is Mr. Humberfloob.

Hi, Mr. Humberfloob.

Joan, I need you to
come back to the office.

Today?
Yes, Joan.

No problem?

No problem at all.

Great!

What's going on, Mommy?

Mommy has to go back to the office.

I hope Mrs. Kwan can baby-sit.

Not Mrs. Kwan!

Hi, Mrs. Kwan.
Hi.

I'm running late. Thanks for
baby-sitting on such short notice.

Yeah.

Okay, Mrs. Kwan.

I'll be back in a couple of hours.

Hi.

Conrad's grounded, so no video games.

Sally? Last chance.

If you wanna make cupcakes, I can take
you to your friend Ginny's house.

Ginny's not my friend anymore.

Last time we made cupcakes,

she wanted to be the head chef.

I'm the head chef.

What about Denise, then?

She talked back to me, so I ordered
her not to speak to me anymore.

And you don't like bossy?

I won't tolerate it.

Right.

If you're both staying,
remember the rules.

No playing ball in
the house, no fighting,

no answering the phone,
"City morgue"...

Mommy, can't I have some rules?

No chewing tobacco.

Thanks, Mom.
You have my word.

And absolutely no one sets foot
in the living room, or else.

Or else what?
You're gonna do what Larry said

and send me to military school?

Maybe if you'd just behave, I wouldn't
have to consider military school.

I wish I could trust you.

I wish I had a different mom.

Well, sometimes I wish the same thing.

Good luck with your meeting.

Children, would you like to
watch television with me?

We don't have to tell your mother.

Taiwanese parliament.
Taiwanese parliament.

You tell them, Kwi-Chang.

No more big government.

Rip his heart out!

Hit me!

So they slumped in their chairs,

too glum to complain,

and to make matters worse,
it started to rain.

They sat in the house
on that cold, cold, wet day

with no fun to have
and no games to play.

They could just stare out the
window or perhaps get a nap in,

and hope that something,
anything might happen.

Quit bothering the fish.

I know.
"Quit bothering the fish."

Spit hand!
Gross!

Get that away from me!

Get it away!

Then something went bump.

What was that?

How that bump made them jump.

I think it came from the closet.

Conrad?

Conrad.

Come on, Conrad.

You shouldn't scare people.

You should've seen
the look on your face.

It was like you saw a monster...

A monster? Where?

That could've gone better.

- What was that?
- I don't know.

Looked like a humongous cat.

"Humongous"?

I prefer the term "big-boned" or "jolly.
" Now, what are we hiding from?

That was a giant cat.

But that's impossible, isn't it?

It's entirely impossible.

You know, I like this
hiding place a lot better.

They'll never find us here.

Scream and run.

And there they go.

Who are you?

Who? Me?

Why, I'm the Cat in the Hat.

There's no doubt about that.

I'm a super-fun-diferous
feline

who's here to make sure that you're...

Meeline? Key lime?

Turpentine?

I got nothing.

I'm not so good with the rhyming.

Not really, no.

Look, I'm a cat that can talk.

That should be enough for you people!

I can talk!
I'm a cat! Yes!

Where did you come from?

How do I put this?

When a mommy cat and a daddy cat

love each other very much,

they decide that...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Where did you come from?

My place!
Where do you think?

No, how did you get here?

I drove!

Look, I've been
here two whole minutes,

and no one has offered me a drink.

Sorry, Mr. Cat.
Would you like some milk?

Milk? No!

Lactose intolerant.
Gums up the works.

You'll thank me later.

Hello! Surf's up!

Yeah.

Nice spread you got here.

Homina-homina-homina-homina!

Who is this?

That's my mom.

Awkward, yeah.

Yes, this place will do quite
nicely, actually. Yeah.

Although those
drapes are a train wreck.

And this is the lumpiest
couch I ever sat on.

Who is this dreadfully
uncomfortable woman?

Get off her.
That's our baby-sitter.

What the... Baby-sitter?

You don't need one of those, do you?

Let me get this straight.

You pay this woman to sit on babies?

That's disgusting!

I'd do it for nothing!

Now, let's see what the old
phunometer has to say.

"Phunometer"?

Yeah. It measures how fun you are.

Hi.

Control freak. Yeah.

Now, you.

Hi. How are you?

Tap it.

Listen, kid,

you can tap it with a hammer,
it ain't gonna change.

Just as I suspected.

You guys are both out of whack.

You're a control freak,
and you're a rule-breaker.

That'll be $700.

Who's your insurance carrier?

So, what do we do?

Well, there are two
treatments I'd recommend.

One is a series of painful shots

injected into your
abdomen and kneecap.

And the other
involves a musical number!

Me-Me-Me-Meow

How many shots?

"How many shots?"
Aren't you precious?

Maestro!

I know it is wet

And the sun is not sunny

But we can have lots of
good fun that is funny

It's fun to have fun

But you got to know how

Hair ball.

I know lots of good tricks and I'll...

Stop this right now!

Who said that?
Me!

Remember? The fish?

Came home in a Baggie, loved me
for two weeks, and then nothing!

The fish is talking!

Well, sure, he can talk.
But is he saying anything?

No, not really. No.

Hey, Socks, can it!
This cat should not be here.

He should not be about.
He should not be here when your mother is out.

Come on, kids.
You gonna listen to him?

He drinks where he pees.

There was this cat I knew
back home where I was bred

He never listened to
a single thing his mother said

He never used the litter box
He made a mess in the hall

That's why they sent him to a
vet To cut off both his ba...

Ba, ba...

Boy, that wasn't fun, fun, fun

He never learns
You can have fun, fun, fun

But less is more

They may ship you off to
school so rein it in a little

We can't spell "fun"
without "U" in the middle

Children, this cat is
currently in violation of...

17 of your mother's rules.

City morgue!
Eighteen!

Ol�!

You can juggle work and play
but you have to know the way

You can keep or float a wish
like the way I do this fish

You can be a happy fella
Someone throw me that umbrella

And that rake, that cake
Life's what you make it

So have fun, fun, fun

Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun

Just look at me Fun, fun, fun

No more rain
Look, it's the sun, sun, sun

So can't you see
I'm as happy as a clam

I'm as fit as a fiddle

Yeah, the dogs may bark about you

And the purebred chaps may doubt you

Getting motion sickness!

Milk? Big mistake.

But remember this You can't
have fun without "U"...

I can't breathe!

I knew that milk would
come back to haunt me.

Help! Help!

"U" in the middle

Bravo, Cat.

Huh? These children are smart enough

not to fall for
your MTV-style flash

at the expense of
content and moral values.

That was wicked cool.

Do it again.

I'd love to, but Shamu is right.
I really should be going.

No, don't go.

No, I should go.

I should let you and the fish have
all your fun conjugating verbs,

cleaning your room,
doing long division.

No, you have to stay.

All right, I'll stay.
Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

But if I'm gonna stay, there's
something I wanna show you.

Something magical and full of wonder.

It's called a contract.

You want us to sign this?

Just a formality, really.
Yeah.

Who are they?

Magical time-traveling elves.

Yeah. Magic.

Okay, they're my lawyers.

Liability issues, litigious society,

frivolous lawsuits.
You understand.

Basically, this contract guarantees

you can have all the fun you want,

and nothing bad's ever gonna happen.

All the fun we want?

Yeah.

Nothing bad will happen?

No.

Come on, Sal, for once in your
life try something spontaneous.

It goes against my
better instincts, but...

Fine.

Beautiful. Initial here.

And here. And here.

Not here!

Turn it over.

This is nothing.

Scratch this.

Smell that! Terrific.

Yadee-yadee-yadee.

Sign the bottom.

Great! Okay, gimme five!

Four.

Let's get this party started!

Hey, check out this room!

What now?

Mom says we're not allowed in
the living room today, or else.

She's worried
we'll mess up the couches

by jumping on 'em or something.

And she's right.
You can't jump on these.

Not like this.
They need some adjustment.

Let's take a look under the hood.

Yeah.

Use my jack.

Sorry.

What have we got here?
Whew.

Here we go.

It's over-sized.
That's unusual.

Here it is.

Down, Simba! Down, Simba!
Get out of here!

Spray me, would you?
You...

Thanks for the help.

Back in a second.

Who's your couch mechanic?

You ought to
call Mr. Catwrench.

My fur! My fur! My fur!

That ought to do it.
Whoo!

Come on, kids.
I could use a little company.

What about Mom's party?

What about it?
We signed the contract.

One cushion left, Sally.

She'll never do it.
She doesn't know how to have fun.

Fun? Sally,
you're better than fun.

Fun is beneath you.

Remember what your mother told you.

No one sets foot in the living room...

You know what?
Let's just watch some flashbacks.

Absolutely no one sets foot
in the living room, or else.

You're fired, fired,
fired, fired, fired, fired,

fired, fired, fired...

And that's why...

This is where they buried my brother!

Yeah!

Yippee!

Oh, yeah!

This is amazing!

Like being in the circus!

Yeah, but without
those tortured animals

or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.

See, kids, I told you
we could have fun!

The best thing is,
no one will ever know.

Judas Priest. I can't
believe what I'm seeing!

Mr. Quinn, I was just telling
Conrad to get off the couch.

Bad, Conrad. Bad.

Sally, baby, angel, princess,

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret, okay?

Nobody likes a suck-up!

Where's the cat?
I don't know.

Good bread.

What are you two looking at?

Is there a cat in here?

I'm gonna...
You're gonna... I have to

get out of here.

See, kids, I told you.

Stick with me, it'll all work out.

Oh, no!

Cats always land on their tushy.

I thought they always
landed on their feet.

Sure, now you tell me.

So, kiddo, what do
you want to do for fun?

I wanna make cupcakes.

Cupcakes? Oh, yeah!
To the kitchen!

Live from the kitchen,

the following is a paid commercial

announcement for Astounding Products.

Hi! Welcome to
Astounding Products.

I'm your host, the guy in the sweater

who asks all the obvious questions.

Now, here to tell us about his

astounding product
for making cupcakes,

all the way from Cheshire,
England, please welcome...

Me! Hello!

Now... Hello!
I'm so excited!

Do you love making cupcakes, but
hate all the hard cupcake work?

I know I do.

Well, forget everything you
know about making cupcakes,

and say hello

to the amazing Kupkake-inator.

I'm so excited!

Cupcake-a-what?

- Kupkake-inator!
- Kupkake-inator!

This amazing device
can instantly make cupcakes

out of anything that
you have in the kitchen.

Wait a minute.
Did you say "anything"?

Anything.

Anything?

Yes, anything.

Anything?

Anything.

Anything?

I'll get you, and it'll look
like a bloody accident.

Anything.
Now, take off the lid.

You can put in, I don't
know, a carton of eggs.

What?
How about a pack of hot dogs?

That's incredible!

Why not some ketchup?

Yeah, why not?

How about...
I know what you're thinking.

Even a fire extinguisher.
There we go.

Now, close the lid
and Bob's your flipping uncle.

What an astounding product!

Oh, yeah!

Open the drawer,

fill the patented
Kupkake-inator tray,

close the drawer,

then place it in a conventional oven.

Delicious cupcakes
are just minutes away.

Did you just say "minutes away"?

- That's impossible!
- That's impossible!

You're not just wrong, you're stupid.

Now, wait just a minute.

And you're ugly, just like your mum.

Did you just call my mother ugly?

Shut up. I mean it. I will end you.

Cat. Your tail.

What about it?

I see.
I've chopped it off.

That's interesting, because...

Son of a bi...

Look, I'm not saying
we're going to sue.

I'm just saying we have a case.

We'll talk later.
Ixnay, ixnay.

Hi.

Cat, is the oven supposed
to be making that sound?

Of course. That means they're
almost done, Conrack.

Conrad.
That's what I said, Condor.

Cat!
Now, that's my name!

Yep. They're done!

Oh, man!

There's nothing to worry about.

I'm sure they still taste fine.

They're horrible.

Who wants some?
Come on, come on.

Oh, my cod.

Cat, you need to clean
this mess up, pronto.

We have a contract.

All right, I'll try.

You don't try. You do.

Yes, ma'am.
Right away, ma'am.

I'll be right back.

Hi. How are you?

Okay.

Look. I'm a girl.

Stop! That's...

Mom's dress!
Mom's dress!

This filthy thing?

She was gonna wear that
tonight, and you ruined it.

Honey, it was ruined
when she bought it.

Yeah.

I told you all this would happen.

But no one listens to a fish!

A dog goes "woof-woof"

and everybody knows that little
Timmy's trapped under a log.

But a fish speaks in plain English...

All right, everyone, let's just
take a deep breath and calm down.

You know who's gonna solve it?
Me. I am.

I will personally
take care of everything.

And I know just the guys to do it.

In this box are two Things.

I will show them to you.

Two Things, and I call them
Thing One and Thing Two.

These Things will not bite you.

They want to have fun.

So without further ado,
meet Thing Two and Thing One!

Ta-da!

Oh, yeah!

Thing One, Conrad, Sally.
Conrad, Sally, Thing One.

Thing Two, Conrad, Sally.
Conrad, Sally, Thing Two.

Thing One, Thing Two. Thing Two, Thing One.
Conrad, Sally. Sally, Conrad.

I am the Cat.

Don't belittle me.

Yes, of course.

Thing Two would like to clarify that

just because he wears the number two

does not imply in any way that
he's inferior to Thing One.

And all of the above.

He says you may feel free to
call him Thing "A," if you like.

He will also accept Super Thing,
Thing King, Kid Dynamite,

Chocolate Thun-Da

or Ben.

Thing One says he's
Thing One for a reason,

and some people
should just get used to it.

It's a Thing thing.
You wouldn't understand.

Okay, enough.

You are quickly turning into one
of my least favorite Things.

Listen, Convex, you probably
don't wanna do that.

Why not?
It's just a crate.

This isn't just any old crate.

It's the Trans-dimensional
Transportolator.

It's kind of like a doorway which
leads from this world to my world.

But it says,
"Made in the Philippines."

Yes, but not this Philippines.

Look, now,
I'm not usually a rules guy,

but this is a biggie.

No opening the crate.

No lookee, no touchee.
Got it?

Mekka-dekka we should
settle our differences.

Things, front and center!

Cool.

All right, Things, I'm not paying you

to stand around and look pretty.

Here's Mom's dress.

Mommy's dress!

What about the couch?

Which couch?

The clean one, or the
horribly stained one?

Ho!

Mekka-dekka. Don't worry!

Incoming!

Cat, they're wrecking the whole house!

Conrad, help!

Help yourself!

Want a piece of me?

All right! Come and get it!

That tickles.

Geronimo!

Mine, mine, mine!
Mine, mine, mine!

Ride 'em, cowboy!

If this were my house, I'd be furious.

Hey! Klondike!

Do you have any idea what happened
to the lock on this crate?

It's on Nevins' collar.

Nevins?

Nevins? Nevins!

Put the dog down!
I said, put the dog down!

Why won't they listen to me?

I don't know if this helps,

but the Things always do
the opposite of what you say.

Why do they always do the opposite?

That's so annoying!

Remind you of anyone, Conrad?

Zinga!

Zinga! Zinga!

Blue! 41! Set!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut!

Hey, Thing, don't let go of that dog!

Let go!

Catch him.
I mean, don't catch him!

Well, this is just great, Conrad.

The whole house is destroyed,
the party is ruined,

and now Nevins is gone.

Sally, Kojak,

that's nothing compared
to what's gonna happen

if we don't lock this crate.

Take a look.
It's already leaking.

It won't stay shut.

Not without the lock.

Look, if we don't get
that lock off of Nevins

and put it back on this crate,

we're gonna be staring down

the business end
of the mother of all messes.

We've gotta go out and find Nevins.

Impossible! Sally!

There's only four
hours till the party.

The fish is right. We should call
Mom and tell her what happened.

Look at this house!
There's no way we could explain this to Mom.

We gotta get Nevins
back and lock the crate!

We're staying and calling Mom.

We're going and getting the dog.

There is a third option.

There is?

Yes. It involves...

murder.

That's your option?

No.

But you guys both had options.

I just wanted to have one, too.

Or did I?

Cat, you're not helping!

Come on.
Let's go get that dog.

Now, we just need a heavy, inanimate
object to weigh down this crate.

There. That ought
to buy us some time.

Come on, kids!
Let's go, go, go!

Identical sister Mitzy...

That's right.

Yeah?

What do you want now?

Repo.

You're repossessing my TV?

I'm sure I made a payment.

If it's about that bounced check,

let me give you a credit card.

That one's expired.
Come on.

With the lock on his
collar, Nevins kept running,

unaware of his part
in the evil Quinn's cunning.

Joan Walden Real Estate.
Be it ever so humble, there's no...

Hi, Joan.

The kids let the dog out again.

You're kidding.

Don't worry.
I'll go get him,

then we'll have a conversation
vis-�-vis military school.

I don't know.
Conrad's like you, Lawrence.

He's very sensitive.

But I suppose it's something
I should consider.

I'll get the dog.
I'll be right over.

Okay, there's Nevins.
Stay out of sight.

I thought the moment needed something.

What will become of us?

Your mother will lose her job,

and we'll have to live on the street.

I can't!
Don't make me go...

I don't know this world!

It's dry! It's like...
I can't... It's too...

Fish!

It's too much!

Would you like to go
back in the toilet?

On second thought,
it's such a beautiful day.

Why spend it indoors?

Thank you.

Okay, kids.
Get out of my way.

This fence is no match for my
cat-like grace and reflexes.

Here we go.

Okay. Watch me fly, kids.

I don't think
the little girl's even trying.

What about your
cat-like reflexes?

What about showing a little
effort, shrimp boat? Now, push!

All right, Nevins.

Time to die.

Cat, you scared him away.

Dirty hoe.

I'm sorry, baby.
I love you.

Come on, Cat!

There he is!

Happy birthday, Denise.

Denise?
Everyone I know is there.

There's Ginny and Alan.

How come Denise didn't
invite me to her birthday?

Don't worry.
Let's just get Nevins and go.

Okay, kids.
Everyone outside!

Cat, get down!
They're gonna see you!

Hide!

Pinata! Pinata! Pinata!

Pinata! Pinata!

Everybody, join in.

It's breaking!

Step out of my way.

This cannot end well.

Pinata! Pinata!

I'm easy

I'm easy like Sunday morning

I got an idea. Candy!

Candy!

No!
No!

- Get back!
- Cat!

I'll get you!

I'd love to buy some.

Hello, Mrs. Kwan.
It's Joan Walden.

I just called to check on the kids.
Are they okay?

Those aren't children.

They're little angels.

That's sweet.

Well, all right, Mrs. Kwan.
I'll be home as soon as I can.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

All right, soldier.
Our bogey is in range.

Commence search and destroy.

What?

Search and rescue.

I meant search and rescue.
Come on.

I can't believe I wasn't
invited to that party.

Hey! You're a lone wolf.

Live alone, die alone.
Yeah.

Can we please get the dog?

Can we please get the dog?
Boo!

Oh, no! Oh, man!

Hello, Nevins.
Good-bye, Conrad.

Not so tough now, are you?

We're dead. We're never
gonna get that crate shut.

And I'm getting shipped off to

Colonel Von Kronk's
School for Wayward Boys!

Why don't we take my car?

You have a car?

Yeah, sure.

That is so cool.

That's just the dust cover.

Here she is, the Super Luxurious

Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger.

Or S.L.O.W. for short.

S.L.O.W.?

Yeah, S.L.O.W.
It's better than the last name we had.

Super Hydraulic
Instantaneous Transporter.

You mean...

No! Quick, to the SLOW.

Buckle up, kids.

We're on a mission to get that dog,

and we will not rest
until we find and destroy it.

Rescue it! Rescue it!
Of course, I meant rescue it.

Whatever. Remember, kids, there's
nothing faster than SLOW.

That's backwards.
It makes no sense. Look at you.

Okay, here we go.
G. P.S., check.

DVD, CD, check.

Someone from
Czechoslovakia is a Czech.

Siren.

What are you...
What... Siren?

Let's go!

Hi, there!
How are you?

I'm sending Conrad away

I can't believe
you whizzed on my taco!

Wait till Joan gets a load of you!

There they are!

Red light, red light, red light!

Red light!

Someone else should drive.

All right. You win.

Concrete, you drive.

Are you serious?

I don't know.

A little voice inside of me is
saying, "This is a bad idea,"

but I can barely
hear that little voice

because an even louder little voice

is screaming,
"Let the 12-year-old drive!"

Now, punch it!

This is awesome!

I want to drive.

I think that's a great idea.

Wait! Two people can't
drive at the same time.

You're right.
We should all drive.

Cat! Where are the brakes?

I'll get them.

I think there's something
wrong with your brakes.

When's the last time
you had them checked?

Bad brake!

One-way street, one-way
street, one-way street,

one-way street!

Hey, Rhode Island license plate.

You never see those.

Air bag. Standard.

I think I wet my jar.

Can we do that again?

Hey, there he is!

Oh, no! He's going into Mom's office!

Come on, Cat!

Go, Conrad!

You know, Nevins,

when Joan finds out you've escaped
again, Conrad will be moving out,

and I'll be moving in.

We've gotta get
Nevins and that lock back.

What are we gonna do?

Don't worry.
I have three plans.

Plan "A"...

Done that. Plan "B"...

That could work.

What about that one?

Plan "C"...

I don't know.
I still like Plan "B."

Cat!

Okay, okay. Plan "C."
Look at you.

Excuse me, sir.

I'd like you to
sign my petition. Yeah.

Get out of my way, you hippie freak.

Are you aware of the senseless,
wholesale slaughter

of the flatulating,
acid-spitting Zumzizeroo?

What will it take to
get you out of my face?

Just sign my petition

with this large, over-sized
pen that requires two hands.

I see.

Will you hold my dog?

Yes!

Okay, I have a problem
with the word "dog."

I don't use the "D" word per se

'cause I think
it's really, really wrong.

Yeah. But I will happily
hold your Canine-American.

I'm more comfortable
with that really, yeah.

How much is that
Canine-American in the window

Cat! Come on!
Cat! Come on!

Hey, what the...
Go, go, go!

Come back here!
I'm on to you kids!

Nothing to see here.
Keep moving! Go!

Come on! Let's go.
Ah, get in, get in!

Come on, let's go.
Get in! Hi, hi.

Get in! Get in!

Look out below!

Sorry. Over there.

Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, hey!

I got you!

Here he comes! Cat!

Cat!

Where's my hat?
Go! Go, go!

Go! Let's go!
My tail, my tail.

Come on, Cat!

I'm walking here!

Joan. Joan!

I think we lost him.

Not the pocket.
Not the pocket.

We got the lock back.
Now let's get home.

Relax, kid.
I'm all over it.

Hey.
What's wrong?

This.

This is not my hat. I must have
picked up the wrong hat back there.

So?
So...

Without my hat, I'm just your
garden-variety, six-foot-tall, talking cat.

Joan, your children are running
around town like complete maniacs.

Yes, they are.
With some weird, hairy man in a big hat.

You're gonna believe
everything I'm telling you

once we get to your house,
okay? Come on.

We're doomed!

We're dead.
This is all my fault.

I'm such an idiot.

Why do I always have to do the
opposite of what I'm supposed to?

Wait a second.
That's it! The opposite!

Hey, Things!
Don't help us!

Do not show up and help
us get home right now!

We're goin' on a road trip!

Larry's car?

How'd you get so smart?

So the race was on
to get back home first.

Hang on! We gotta
beat Mom and Quinn home!

But back at their home, things
were just getting worse.

There's Mom and Larry!

Step on it, Joan.
Go, go, go.

Things, do not do anything
to slow down my mom.

- Slow down Mom!
- Slow down Mom!

Look, Joan,
they don't beat them every day.

Great.

I'm sorry, Officer.
Was I speeding?

Mekka-dekka license,
appa registration.

Mekka-dekka,
you're one hot mama.

Hey, that's my car. Joan,
we better go right away.

Please let me handle this.

Sorry, I guess I was
in a hurry to get home.

I'm not gonna let
them get away with this.

Meet me at the house!

Not so fast, you little maggots!

You are so busted.
Now get inside.

You don't want to go in there.
It's going to be a total...

What?

Sally, what happened?

What about the mother of all messes?

I don't know.

Why am I sneezing?

That'd be me. Boo!

You're a giant...

Cat!

Judas Priest!

Mamma mia.

What happened to our house?

It's the mother of all messes.

Yup!

Pure, unadulterated fun without
any good sense or judgment.

See, Corn Dog,
this is why I warned you

not to open the crate.

Although, on the plus side,

I think people will be talking about

tonight's party for
the rest of their lives.

We gotta shut the crate!
Come on!

Okay.

Let's take the front hall carpet.

This can't be the front hall.

This is what happens when you
mix your world and my world.

And when you eat bad shellfish.

Let's go. Oh, yeah!

Cat, how do we find the crate?

Beats me.

This hat is worthless,
and it makes me look fat.

Where's Mrs. Kwan?

Here she comes, right on schedule.

Oh, yeah!

We're going to
ride Mrs. Kwan?

Sure! It's the only
way to the crate. Hop on.

This is gonna be good.

Please keep your hands and
feet in the Kwan at all times.

Enjoy the ride!

Ladies and gentlemen, the dining room.

This is the dining room?

Hey, look. Chandelier.

Is that the bathroom?

You might want to hold it for a while.

Something like that really burns my...

This is amazing!
It's like a ride at an amusement park!

You mean, like at Universal Studios.

Cha-ching.

Please exit the Kwan to your left.

Have a nice day!

This is ridiculous.
I have to get home.

Police brutality.
Illegal choke hold.

Where are we?

The living room, I think.

Ah, man.
My eyes are closed.

If there's no line, could we
go back and do that again?

There's the crate!

If we shut the crate, the
house will go back to normal.

You have the lock?

Got it. Come on, let's go.

Sally!

Come on!

It won't shut!

Sally! Everything is
disappearing up there!

Help!

Sally!

Sal...

Help me, Conrad!

Sally!

Help me! I can't hold on!

Hang on!

Help me, Conrad!

Help!

Sally, I can't reach the lock!

No!

I can't save you unless you let go!

Okay.

Help me!

Yes.

I did it. I did it.

I did it. I did it. I did it.

I did it. I did it.

Okay, "we" did it.

I don't think we did anything.

The place is still a wreck.

You said if we shut the crate,
everything would be okay!

But it's not.
It's a complete disaster.

Well, what are you gonna do?

Tennis, anyone?

Love that new ball smell.
Yeah.

Hey, your hat, it's magic again?

Well, now that
the cat's out of the bag,

to use an archaic
and cruel-sounding metaphor,

why don't you serve first?

You had your real hat this whole time?

Yup. I planned
the whole day.

What do you mean,
you planned the whole day?

All of it?
Yup.

The house getting trashed?
Yup.

Quinn taking Nevins?
Yup.

Cutting off your tail?
Nope. No.

You even knew I'd open the crate?

Why do you think
I made it my one rule?

I knew you couldn't resist.

Now, who's up for a game
of Canadian doubles?

Cat, you said
nothing bad would happen.

Cat, you need to get out.

I don't know that game.

It's not a game.
None of this is a game!

But I thought you two
wanted to have fun today.

Look around, Cat.

You were right. It's fun to have
fun, but you have to know how.

You don't know when enough is enough.

Now, go!

Suzy.

Cromwell.

Please.

Out!
Out!

Good riddance.

Now, this may not be the time
for "I told you so," but...

Like I said, not the time.

I'll get the mop and bucket.

Conrad, you might
want to get out of here

until Mom has a chance to calm down.

No. This was my fault.
I'll take the blame.

Look, Mom will be home any second.

Why don't you go upstairs?

I'm not going upstairs.
I'm staying with you.

Really? Why?

Two reasons.

One, the stairs are destroyed.

Two, this is just as
much my fault as yours.

We should share the blame.

Thanks, Sally.

By the way,
you're a pretty good brother.

Glad you think that.

Maybe we can room together
at military school.

Well, here goes.

Bet you thought I'd gone
Bet you felt a sting

Bet you never thought
I'd have another song to sing

But now that you've learned your
lesson Allow me to blow your mind

By reading to you the small print

of the contract that you signed

Okay, section eight,
article 93, subparagraph 834.

Right by the chili stain.

It reads, "If Conrad, a.k.a.
Concrete, should open the crate,"

and we know he will, "the
contract shall be null and void.

"However,

"if Sally and Conrad should
learn from their mistakes,

"the contract
shall be reinstated."

And I think you two have satisfied
the legal burden of learning.

Yeah!
Yeah!

So there's just one last game to play.

It's called
"Clean Up the House."

Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial
Renovating Tractormajigger.

D-I-R-T?
D-I-R-T?

That's right!

It's getting better all the time

I used to get mad at my school

The teachers who
taught me weren't cool

You're holding me down

Turning me 'round

Filling me up with your rules

I've got to admit it's
getting better Better

A little better all the time

It can't get no worse

I have to admit it's
getting better Better

A little better since you've been mine

Me used to be an angry young man

Me hiding my head in the sand

You gave me the word I finally heard

I'm doing the best that I can, yeah

I've got to admit it's getting better

Better A little better all the time

Can't get no worse

I have to admit it's getting better

Better It's getting better

Since you've been mine

Oh, yeah!

Getting so much better

These drapes are so out, they're in!

All the time

It's getting better all the time

Better, better, better

Spin! Spin!

It's getting better all the time

Better, better, better

I have to admit it's getting better

A little better all the time

It can't get no worse Yes, I
admit it's getting better

It's getting better

Bye.

Since you've been mine

Getting so much better all the time

Okay, we had some good times.

We cleaned up the house.

We even managed to work in an
up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack.

That's important.

I guess there's just
one last thing to check.

Looks like everything's in balance,

but you're still smoking
way too many cigars.

And you, lay off the sauce.

Cat, this day has been amazing.

Thank you, Cat.

For everything.

Conrad?

Sally?

Adieu.

- Cat!
- Cat!

Wait, Cat.

Don't go.

All right, kids.

This place better not be a mess.

I'm home.

Hi, Mom.
Hi, Mom.

Miss Walden, home so soon?

The children were angels.

Thanks, Mrs. Kwan.

Hello, Joan.

Lawrence, what happened to you?

They happened to me.

Your demonic children.

They destroyed your house!

The house was alive.

The wall was made of paper.

I fell off the cliff.
And the giant cat...

The giant cat!

Tell her.

Larry, Larry.

You look terrible,

and my mom thinks you're insane.

This is what we in sales
call "a win-win scenario."

Joan, you are passing up the
opportunity of a lifetime.

You know what kind of kid your boy is.

I mean, who are you going to believe?

You're right. I do know
what kind of kid Conrad is.

He can be irresponsible.
Yes.

He makes bad choices.

Yes.

Sometimes he makes me
want to tear my hair out.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

But he's a good kid,
and I believe in him.

Now, I'd like you to leave.

Wha... Joan. Joan.

Joan. Joan.

Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan.

Will you marry me, Joan?

Oh, Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan.

Yes!
Yeah!

Yeah!

That's nice.

Mr. Humberfloob?

Almost got me again.
Enjoy the party.

Mr. Humberfloob.

Joan, the party's a hit
and the house is immaculate.

Congratulations.

Miss Walden. Miss Walden.

Chicka-ow,
chicka-ow, chica-yee-haw!

Hi, Mom.

Honey, your cupcakes are a huge hit.

What did you put in them?

Mom, you can make
cupcakes out of anything.

Are you telling me you can
make cupcakes out of anything?

Anything.

Anything?

So what did you kids do today, huh?

Well, what would you
do if your mother asked you?

The family was whole,
all thanks to the Cat,

who was dashing and charming,
no doubt about that.

He was witty and cultured

and, well, very endearing
and tremendously attractive,

but in a sort of real way.

You know, kind of an approachable way

that I think
you don't see these days...

Hello! I was just...

I really should be going.

How'd they get so smart?

Oh, yeah!

Come on, Things!
Let's go!

What's on my schedule for tomorrow?

What do you say we go on vacation?

How about Hawaii?
I like Hawaii.

I should warn you,
there are certain places

that don't allow certain Things.

Things are complicated.

Things are getting weird
Things are getting tough

Nothing's making sense
but you keep on looking up

They tell you to be true
You're trying every day

To keep it on the real
Still you gotta find a way

To make your mama happy
To make your papa proud

You wanna turn it up but all
you hear is "tone it down"

So gather 'round, I'm here to say

You'll never make everybody's day

But while you're around
you might as well

Catch the tiger by its tail

And hang on, hang on, hang on

Everybody just get on, get on, get on

Get started and go on, go on, go on

Everybody just hold on

Sometimes I wanna cry
or throw the towel in

They try to bring me down
but I'll take it on the chin

And everywhere I go
the people are the same

They just want to know
that everything will be okay

When things are getting rough
you turn it back around

You gotta turn it up when
they tell you "tone it down"

So gather 'round, I'm here to say

You'll never make everybody's day

But while you're around
you might as well

Catch the tiger by its tail

And hang on, hang on, hang on

Everybody just get on, get on, get on

Get started and go on, go on, go on

Everybody just hold on

Just hang on

So gather 'round, I'm here to say

You'll never make everybody's day

But while you're around
you might as well

Catch the tiger by its tail

And hang on, hang on, hang on

Everybody just get on, get on, get on

Get started and go on, go on, go on

Everybody just hold on

Hang on, hang on, hang on

Everybody just get on, get on, get on

Get started and go on, go on, go on

Everybody just hold on

Just hang on