All language subtitles for Brickleberry - 01x08 - Steves Bald.iT00NZ-Web-DL.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

With liberty and justice for all.

I am so grateful to be
living in this fine country.

Me too. Thank God for slavery.

Don't mind me. I'm high as shit right now.

Drug test Denzel.

Okay, as y'all know, this
year Brickleberry is

proud to host the annual
park service ranger ball.

Well, I, for one, am looking forward to
getting wasted and having anonymous sex

with multiple partners of
various races and genders.

Drug test Ethel.

I Hope I get lucky too.

I'm bringing a friend to be
my date, so fingers crossed.

By friend, he means hooker,

and, by date, he means shallow
grave by the rail road.

I'm glad everyone's gonna have fun.

I'll probably just spend the
whole night by the punch bowl.

By myself.

Alone.

- Again.
- Oh.

That's sweet of you not to spoil our fun.

I can't wait.

I'll have my pick of the female rangers.

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in
that baby elephant head of yours.

Don't be jealous, Ethel.

Everyone knows I'm the coolest and
best-looking Park Ranger around.

What?

Did someone draw a dick on my face again?

She takes out a diaper, right?

And I said, "not yet.
I ain't ready for you yet".

Shh. He's right there.

Hi, guys. Listen, about earlier, I'd
appreciate it if we could just...

Steve, if we teased you about something

so obviously painful, what
kind of friends would we be?

- Thanks, Malloy. I was worried that...
- Trick question.

I'm not friends with bald people.

Hey!

No!

Go ahead. Laugh it up,
you heartless bastards.

I've been dealing with this problem
for most of my adult life.
You don't understand what
it's like to be bald.

Cruelly, the day I gained
hair in one area...

I lost it in another.

I tried to hide my secret shame, but
sooner or later I would always be exposed.

Kids, please, allow me.

The cruelest blow came on prom night.

Stacy Blanchard agreed to go with me if
I did her homework for the semester.

Thanks to me, she got to go
to high school an extra year.

You are so getting laid tonight.

I thought we had a deal.

Uh yeah, the contract was void because
I got an "F" and you look like shit.

Allow me.

Kids can be so cruel.

So can adults, you bald mother[Bleep].

Oh, Steve, it's not that bad.

You kind of got that Michael Chiklis look.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And if he weren't bald and ugly,
that would be a compliment.

Oh, I got him.

Oh, he thought I was gonna
say something nice.

Must be hard to process sarcasm
with that shitty chrome dome.

Ethel, I understand Woody, Denzel,
and Malloy teasing Steve,

but you too?

Absolutely.

I've always considered myself to be someone

who cares more about animals than people.

Die, you little bastard.

See, this is a perfect example.

There you go, little fella.

You're safe now.

- What was that?
- You just crushed a kitten's head.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I always have you, Viggo Mortensen.

Even if it's only in my homoerotic dreams.

Hey, Steve, what are you doing?

Uh, nothing.

You're not leaving, are you?

Connie, I spent the last ten years here

cultivating an image of the
coolest guy in the park,

an object of desire for
women and confused animals.

But now that I've been exposed,

I need to find some place
I can be popular again.

That's why I'm headed to...

Wounded Knee, South Dakota.

Nah. Too cold.

Make that Fishkill, New York?

Steve, I know how it feels
to be unattractive.

It can really hurt.

That's why you need friends
to make you feel better.

Hey, you know that ranger ball coming up?

We should go together.

You know, as friends.

I'll even get drunk and give you a tug job.

I'm good, thanks.

Steve, you're a good person.

You just need to make your inside feel as
beautiful as you want your outside to be.

So what you're saying is
make my outside beautiful,

no matter how ugly I am on the inside.

Well, that's not really what I was saying.

- What I was saying...
- Great advice, Connie.

I'd kiss you if you
weren't so goddamn ugly.

Mm.

Hang in there, little kitty.
Almost to the vet.

Every life is precious.

Thank you, Heavenly Father.

Only by your blessed holy spirit
and amazing Grace did I...

Ah, Jesus goddamn Christ!

Denzel's government surplus emporium.

What you need?
I got water coolers, uniforms, rifles.

I even got a waterfall.
But you got to come pick that shit up.

Denzel, it's Ethel.

You're not selling off all
our stuff again, are you?

Hell no. In an unrelated question,

how much do you think I can
get for your black teddy?

Denzel, focus. I just hit a deer.

I think it's gonna die.

You got to put that poor
animal out of its misery.

I can't do that.

It goes against every fiber
of my self-righteous being.

Ethel, it's Malloy. Kill it.

Do you even know what we're talking about?

Don't know, don't care, just kill it.

If the animal's suffering, trust
me, it's the right thing to do.

Ain't no warranty on that!

I am so sorry, little doe.

Why...

Did I enjoy that so much?

So, Steve, after two years of taking
multiple daily shots in the buttocks,

you can expect to go from
this hairless freak...

To this handsome devil.

What is that, like, four more hairs?

Up to four more hairs.

Growitol.

Ask your doctor if
Growitol's right for you.

You are my doctor. That's why I'm here.

Am I? You know, Steve, I always
saw you more as a friend.

Besides, I was banned from
practicing medicine years ago.

I'm not kidding.

Isn't there anything else you can give me?

Without hair, I'm nobody.

I'm not smart, I'm not
as athletic as I look,

my personality is non-existent,
yet somehow grating.

Well, Steve, there is the
hair tonic that I use.

I purchased it on the Chinese black market.

Or was it the black Chinese market?

Anyway it's made with tiger sperm.

Now remember, friend, just rub a
thimbleful on your scalp once a week...

Ooh. Not good.

Lucky for you, I'm also
a malpractice attorney.

My card.

Man, it's hot all of a sudden.

What happened?

Man, I got a wicked hangover. Oh, God.

What have I done?

Say your prayers, grizzly bear.

This is for killing my neighbor's pig.

That pig beat me in checkers.

They smarter than dogs, you know.

No, please don't shoot.

He talk. Hold on, Bobby.
That ain't no bear.

That right there is Bigfoot.

Bigfoot. Ha. I'm afraid you're...

Holy shit, we're in the
presence of greatness.

Hey, everybody!

It's Bigfoot, a real-life celebrity.

Your hair is beautiful. It's so silky.

Can we get a picture with you?

Listen, people, I'm flattered
by the attention, but...

Bigfoot, will you sign my gigantic breasts?

Bigfoot would love to.

I know just where I'm gonna put the os.

The nipples.

Hey, has anyone seen my stapler?

It's probably on your desk.

- Thanks.
- Where's my desk?

Where it always is. By the copy machine.

Where's the goddamn copy machine?

It's right there.
Denzel, you see it, don't you?

Of course I do.

Chh-chh. Beep.

This isn't good.

You're probably having another
one of your episodes.

- Did you just kill a fly?
- Huh. I guess I did.

- That's not like you at all, Ethel.
- Ah, it's no big deal. It's just a fly.

My old "savior to the animals" stance
may have been a little extreme.

Well, I'm glad to hear
you've come to your senses.

Thank you.

Oh, look at you. You're still alive.

This bitch is crazy.

Okay, I only have time for several
hundred more final questions, everybody.

Hello, Bigfoot, Timmy from
Timmy's YouTube channel.

Why now, after centuries of hiding,
have you chosen to go public?

Because, Timmy, I wanted to be famous.

And famous people get a shitload of ass.

Yay, Bigfoot!

- Is it?
- Could it be?

You damn right it is.

Yo, Chewbacca, you got to give me
a ride in the Millennium Falcon.

No, it's Bigfoot, the mythical
creature that's responsible for

countless hours of shitty programming
on the Discovery Channel.

- Connie, look who's here.
- Yeah, nice to meet you, Bigfoot.

Guys, I'm worried about Steve.
He's been missing since yesterday.

Ah, screw Steve.

Bigfoot's a bona fide tourist attraction.

But Steve's our friend.
I think he could be in danger.

That's very sweet of you,
stranger who I've never met,

but let's not draw attention away from
me, Bigfoot, because that's who I am.

Mr. Foot, please feel welcome
here at Brickleberry.

As long as you don't go all
chimpy and rip our faces off.

I think I just gave him an idea.

Fear not, humanoids. Bigfoot's your friend.

Unlike that Jew-hating Loch Ness Monster.

I hate the Jews!

All I desire is your adulation.

Somebody give me some rubber gloves.

If I'm gonna adulate this guy, I don't
want to get that gunk all over my hands.

Hey, Steve.

I'm not Steve, my fellow woodland creature.

I'm the notorious B-i-g...

F-o-o-t...

E.

Hair or no hair, you smell
like a Turkish man's balls.

Please, Malloy, don't blow this for me.

No one gives a damn about Steve.
This is a chance to reinvent myself.

Take it easy, Polamalu.
I'm not gonna blow your cover.

There's money to be made here.
And I'll be your manager.

Okay. 5% sound fair?

- Sure. I'll give you 5%.
- Deal. Wow, you're shrewd.

I'm lucky you're on my side.

Oh, you poor baby.

Ethel will make it all better.

Whoa! What the hell are you doing?

I have to do it Denzel, this cute
little guy was abandoned by his mother.

He wasn't abandoned by his mother.

His mother's right there.

- Oh, my God. You shot it!
- Well, I had no choice, Denzel.

It was distraught its
baby was about to die.

All right, Ethel, what the
hell is going on with you?

All right, here's the thing.

When I killed that deer, I had
the best orgasm of my life.

I've been chasing that dragon ever since.

Ethel, you're confused.
Women don't have no orgasms. Pfft.

- And you got to stop this killing, girl.
- I guess you're right, Denzel.

I promise, no more killing.

Starting now.

Sasquatch!

I got your face tattooed on my anus!

Much love. Wish I could stop.

Let's talk big picture here.

How long we gonna milk this
Wookiee in the woods routine?

What are you talking about? Steve is dead.

I'm gonna be Bigfoot forever.

Hey, Bigfoot, if it wouldn't
be too much trouble,

could you make love to
my wife while I watch?

Inappropriate.

- I'm blind!
- Trust me. I did you a favor.

So, Steve, big gig on Wednesday.

You're gonna be emceeing
a dwarf fashion show.

No can do, baby.
I'm going to the ranger ball.

But I already booked Giselle Munchkin.

Sorry, Malloy, the ball is tomorrow night,

and I know just who I'm going to take.

Oh, God!

Oops, sorry. Wrong picture.

The most beautiful woman in the world.

I cannot believe you are gonna
make me kill all those Dwarves.

Who said anything about killing Dwarves?

It's either that or I pay them.

And I'm not planning on paying them.

So that means I'm going
to have to kill them.

Steve!

Oh, Steve!

Oh, no.

This is terrible.

Hey, have you seen the little bear?
He told us to meet him right here.

You look beautiful, my love.

Hey, no kiss on mouth.

Baby hatch okay, but not on mouth.

Oh, you are one classy lady.

Stacy should be here any minute.
I'm so excited.

Why are you so obsessed with
this girl from high school?

You should be dating a celebrity.
It's good for the brand.

Like Audrey Hepburn?

Yeah, but alive and not as much of a whore.

That must be her.
The most beautiful girl on earth.

She hasn't changed a bit.

Madame, shall we?

Bigfoot, you are so handsome.

Oh, my God. That's awesome.

You sound just like Megatron.

Oh, Bigfoot, I feel like I could
start a new life with you.

Here are the keys. Drive 'em into the lake.

Yo, yo, biggity foot inside the house.

What's the deal?

I thought this was supposed to be a party.

Yeah, but it turned into
a memorial service.

We just got some bad news, Bigfoot.

Connie found Steve's car
smashed in a ravine.

He must have lost control.

His tires were as bald as his head.

Oh. All right.

Let's have a moment of silence.

Okay, let's tear this shit up!

No. Tonight we honor our friend.

And shame on all of you for teasing
him for something he couldn't help.

- I feel terrible.
- Yeah, me too.

Me too.

I never met this Steve fellow,
but he sounds like a great guy.

Hold on. You had every right to
treat Steve like an asshole.

He was bald.

But you know who has lots of hair?

Bigfoot. Come on, everyone!

Do the Bigfoot.
It goes a little something like this.

Stop Bigfoot dancing.

Why don't you want us
to remember our friend?

I'll tell you why.

The police lab just analyzed Steve's
clothes, and they were covered in hair...

Hair genetically identical to this!

Okay, guys, there's an
explanation for this.

Yeah. There is.

You killed Steve.

- He's a murderer!
- He's a monster!

Look who's talking.

No, it's a misunderstanding.
Tell 'em, Malloy.

I have no idea what this
Bigfoot is talking about.

Sorry, buddy, but your death is gonna
make for a merchandising bonanza.

- Let's get him.
- We're gonna bring you to justice.

To hell with justice. I am gonna kill you.

And I am really gonna enjoy it.

Uh-oh. Somebody call FEMA.

It feels like a levee
just broke in my pants.

Who the hell brings torches
and pitchforks to a ball?

We gonna get you, Bigfoot!

I'm not Bigfoot. Let me explain.

Oh, sorry about that, BoDean.

What?

There you go, buddy. Good as new.

What?

Damn, this Bigfoot fast.

I want justice.

I make my own goddamn justice.

It's looting time up in this bitch!

Shit, this is my car.

Die, you big-footed freak. Die!

Give me that. I'm a natural predator.

No! No. I have to do it.

You try that again, and I will
blow your frickin' head off.

That's weird.
Usually I can smell your period.

Show yourself, killer.

I like boobies.

Aw, man.

Prepare to meet Bigfoot Jesus,
you hairy son of a bitch.

Damn it, BoDean, don't stand in front
of me when I'm shooting something.

- What?
- I ain't got anymore gum.

That's okay, Bobby.

Wow, good solution.

Now prepare to die.

I'm not prepared.

Bigfoot?

So you are real.

Thank you for saving my life.

I don't blame you for hiding from society
all these years, mythical giant.

You are not the savage. We are.

We humans are vulgar, violent, and,
above all, never to be trusted.

Shoot him. He killed Steve.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, that was uncomfortable for all of us.

I can't believe I killed the real Bigfoot.

He was completely innocent,
as are all animals.

How will I ever forgive myself?

You probably won't.

I mean, not with this
as a constant reminder.

You can almost tell that his
last words were "you bitch".

Hey, everybody.

I just want you to know I feel terrible
about pretending to be Bigfoot.

Yeah, you should.

And when are you gonna get rid
of that stupid asshole hair,

you stupid, hairy asshole?

I've tried everything.
I guess the drug's just got to wear off.

- Nice to have you back, Steve.
- Thanks, Connie.

The one thing I've realized
throughout this whole ordeal

is what a great friend you are to me.

Oh, come on.

No, you are really an amazing person.

I should have just saved myself a lot
of trouble and taken you to the dance.

- Shall we?
- I'd be honored.

Nothing could ruin this special moment.

Except that.

Yes, Steve's back in all his glory.

Damn, Steve, cover your ass up.

No. I'll never feel shame again.

I am a bald, overweight man with
misshapen genitals, and proud of it!

Soak it in, everybody.