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It's been five days since America
invaded Venezuela, arrested its
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seized control of the country. And now
the real work begins.
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Nation building.
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I'm sorry, I read that wrong. I meant
narrative building.
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The bottom line is we now have freedom
in Venezuela.
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I have so many Venezuelan friends.
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They are crying tears of joy.
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This is their first real opportunity.
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for to experience democracy and freedom.
Listen, people smell freedom in the air
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and they can thank Donald J. Trump.
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That's right. Trump is stinking up the
joint with freedom.
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Can you smell it?
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Just crop dusting our hemisphere of
democracy.
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Breathe it in, people.
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Finally, the Venezuelan people are in
charge of their own destiny.
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Let's see exactly what kind of freedom
they have won.
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President Donald Trump announced that
Venezuela will be giving the U .S. 30 to
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50 million barrels of oil to be sold.
This oil will be sold at its market
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and that money will be controlled by me
as president of the United States of
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America.
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Okay, okay, look.
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Say what you want about his corruption.
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At least Trump is hands -on with it.
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Okay?
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Dick Cheney had to funnel it through
Halliburton or whatever.
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But Donald Trump is like, yo, just give
me the oil.
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I'll open a gas pump outside the Oval
Office.
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Okay? Just come drive right up. But no
Amex.
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So, yes, Venezuela has agreed to hand
over approximately $2 billion worth of
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to the United States out of the goodness
of their hearts and because we are
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mugging them.
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Which...
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Seems harsh, but you know what?
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A little bit of oil money for President
Trump is a small price to pay for
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illegally kidnapping the president.
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And now that this payoff is taken care
of, America will get out of your hair.
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Goodbye forever, Venezuela.
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You're finally free.
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The U .S. now imposing a military
blockade on its oil exports, using it as
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leverage to get Venezuela to give in to
the Trump administration's demands.
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The U .S. has conveyed to the interim
leader of Venezuela that she must agree
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partner exclusively with the U .S. on
oil production and kick out officials
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China, Russia, Iran, and Cuba, severing
all economic ties with those countries.
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I think we all know what's going on
here.
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Ladies, when your new boyfriend forces
you to cut ties with all of your
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he's a keeper.
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Sorry, it kind of feels like Trump wants
to be the new dictator of Venezuela,
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but that can't be right.
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Right? We obviously have maximum
leverage over the interim authorities.
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decisions are going to continue to be
dictated by the United States of
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Okay, look, I know how that sounds, but
just because you dictate doesn't
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make you a dictator.
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Okay?
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Because, no, it doesn't.
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Because dictators, they live in like a
gold palace.
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And to any Venezuelans looking for
advice on how to get rid of Donald
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we have no idea.
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But I can tell you one thing that
doesn't work.
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Satire.
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Doesn't do shit.
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If you're in a country in the area, and
this sounds like a good deal, well, good
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news. You're next.
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This is the start of a change in
Venezuela. Then we're going to fix Cuba.
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Nicaragua will get fixed. Next year,
we'll get a new president in Colombia.
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Democracy is coming back to this
hemisphere.
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Okay. First of all, congratulations to
this guy on surviving the Ark of the
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Covenant.
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And second, look, okay, the world is a
messed up place.
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If an oil rampage is what it takes to
spread democracy, maybe that's what it
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takes, okay?
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Stop being such babies.
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So which of these tyrannical
dictatorships are we going after next?
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President Trump and his team are also
targeting a northern ally of the U .S.
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with new threats to take over Greenland.
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That's right, Greenland.
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Because the only...
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more than a brutal authoritarian regime
is whatever the complete opposite of
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that is.
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That's just one little hitch with
invading Greenland.
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Denmark, which controls the independent
territory, is a close NATO ally. The
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Danish prime minister has said a U .S.
attack on NATO territory would
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effectively end the alliance, which has
never seen one member attack another.
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Great, okay, that means they won't
expect it.
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the definition of a sneak attack, okay?
The point is we need Greenland. Why?
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For their freedom or their oil or for
national defense. Look, I don't remember
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what excuse we're using.
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But, okay, this congressman, he'll
explain.
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It's important that we have a stake in
Greenland. When you look at the Western
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Hemisphere, we are the dominant
predator, quite frankly, force in the
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Hemisphere.
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the dominant predator in the Western
Hemisphere.
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At least now that Jeffrey Epstein is
dead.
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For more on America's plans in
Venezuela, we go live
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to Caracas with Michael Kosta.
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Michael.
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Michael, Michael.
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Venezuelans reacting to this extortion.
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Extortion?
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Oh, Ronnie.
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What America is doing here is legitimate
international business. Trump is simply
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offering Venezuela protection from
dictators and foreign enemies, and in
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exchange, they give him money for that
protection.
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Capisce?
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Michael, that's the business model of
the mafia. You're describing the mafia.
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The mafia?
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This is not the mob. This is just
Venezuela tucking an envelope of cash
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Donald Trump's pocket every week.
Because it would be a real shame if they
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forgot to pay and their economy blew up
when it turned on its car.
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Everything you're describing is what the
mob does. You're even dressed like
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you're in the mob.
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Maybe America is a little bit of a mafia
face. So what?
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The mafia is molto bene.
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You get to wear nice suits. You skip the
line at the copa. And you get to kiss
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guys on the lips when they betray you.
And you get to drink from fancy little
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cups. Salud.
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Okay, Kostas, it's a little late in the
day to be drinking espresso.
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This? This is crude oil.
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As my nonna used to say, that's a spicy
diesel fuel.
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Have you not seen any mafia movies? It
never ends well for them.
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Name one mob movie that doesn't end
well.
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The Godfather.
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Name two.
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The Godfather 2.
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Name three.
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The Godfather 3.
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Name six more.
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All those Scorsese movies and The
Sopranos.
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Technically, we don't know how The
Sopranos ends.
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For all we know, Tony is still at the
strip club eating gabagool, getting a
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dance from a girl wearing a bikini made
of gabagool. Oh!
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Costa, I know it's great to live by
Lala's mob rules when you have power,
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what's to stop someone bigger from doing
all this mafia shit on us?
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Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie, your brain is
like a cannoli with no filling.
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If that happens to America, we'll just
turn state witness.
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I'm already wearing a wire.
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No, this isn't TV, okay? If we abandon
international law, what will stop the
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next superpower from extorting us once
our run as an empire is over?
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Name one time an empire's come to an
end.
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One time? The Romans, the British, the
Germans, Mongolians, Ottomans? Stop
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making places up, Ronnie.
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And trust me, this is not going to
happen this time.
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Oh, really? Why not?
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Because there's only one way for all
this Venezuela stuff to end. And that
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She soprano'd me. God damn it. Michael
Kosta, everyone.
11829
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