All language subtitles for The.Office.UK.S02E05.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

Right. Hello. Just another normal day at the office, innit?

Just a normal day, innit? So... What? What are you laughing at?

Yeah, mate, it's obviously Red Nose Day. It's always a good laugh.

Keith, here, right. It's his sort of thing.

Ali G! Ali Keith!

Gareth, come here. Look at this, normal day. Just a normal office.

-What are you doing? -I got to hop everywhere. Being sponsored.

That's the sort of thing, hopping everywhere, that's what we'll be doing today.

We always do that, always a good laugh. We raise quite a lot

last time, didn't we? Honestly, it is comic relief.

We're raising money for people who are starving to death.

If I make people laugh a lot saving lives, sue me.

But you know...

(LAUGHING) Do it.

Booyakasha.

That's an accountant and that's the boss, encouraging it.

So what type of day is it? Is it normal?

I've got the ...Gazette coming down, to take a photo.

What time they coming down?

About five-ish.

-So they'll love us. -No, I think it's just me. I've got some plans.

We can all be in it then.

Oh they'll love us. Well not really, I called...

Stop trying to worm into someone else's photo.

Everyone's joining in.

This young lady, ooh, a bit saucy, selling kisses to the lads.

Or the ladies, if there are any ladies that like that sort of... I don't think there are

any in this office and if there are,

good luck to them. They're all welcome, we're all equal, now.

It's different for girls anyway, it's more lighthearted, lower risk.

Erotic.

Well, not in this case.

I mean, it's not a sexual day. It's, you know...

-Oh, you thought it was bad before, here's the man Finchy! -Brentmeister!

-Here he goes. -Kisses for a quid. That's a good cause there.

-Do you mind kissing me on the nose? -No, put your quid in.

(COIN CLANKS) Okay.

Kiss me on the nose!

(WOLF WHISTLING)

-Heya, what do I get for a tenner? -DAVID: Oh no!

Squeal, piggy, squeal!

Ooh, aah!

(MIMICS GRUNTING)

(DAVID LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

Oh, God!

No, I'm not that desperate.

Who says famine has to be depressing?

(HOPPING)

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against this sort of thing.

It's a good cause,

but I just don't want to have to join in with someone else's idea of wackiness.

It's the wackiness I can't stand. It's like, um...

You see someone outside hours collecting for cancer research, because they've been

personally affected by it or whatever. Or an old bloke selling poppies.

-There's a dignity about that, a real quiet dignity. -(EXCITED INDISTINCT TALKING)

No, no, no, come on guys, leave it. Leave it, leave it!

(OTHERS LAUGHING) Please! Please!

And that's what today's all about... Dignity.

No! No! No, no, no, no!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Always dignity.

-My wife and kids are going to see those. -(HOOTING AND CHEERING)

C'mon Terry, don't worry. Stop crying.

Sure there are people watching this now, going, "Oye, Brent, why you still

"bothering with comic relief? They're always doing it and

there's still people starving."

That's why I'm still doing it That's why you should too.

You know, probably put a number up there, should we?

For people who want to make donations, or...

And I have people go, "Oh no, the money just goes to hungry foreigners."

Not true. A lot of it stays in this country,

you know, goes to home-grown problems. Aka,

The disableds. A lot of money goes to these fellas.

I'm not saying it goes to you. You don't need it, do you? You're working.

But if you do claim for it you've probably claimed for other stuff, that's up to you.

As long as you don't abuse the system, you know. Sadly a lot of them are.

What do you mean?

-A lot of people are abusing the system. -You'll make sure that

-people who say they're crippled... -Disabled.

Disabled. Actually are...

What, are you suggesting that people pretend to be disabled in order to claim

-money off the DSS? -I don't know, I'm just saying that there should be tests

-that's all. TIM: Oh God, what tests?

Stick pins in their legs, see if they react.

That is not going to work, I have feeling in my legs, I just can't walk.

I'm just saying there should be tests.

Well, we're all ears, Gareth.

I dunno, when they go down to the DSS to make a claim, then they should

set off a fire alarm, a fake fire alarm, everybody legs it out the office leaving them

there. If they're fake, they'll be up and running with you.

If they're for real they'll be left there, screaming for help.

Then you come back in and say, "It's all right, don't cry.

"It's just a test you've passed. Here's your money."

Yeah, spend it on what you like, one of those blue cars or whatever.

DAVID: You've won.

GARETH: That's one idea.

So... That's...

She's joining in with it. You up for this one?

No, I don't. Do you want to put this on?

It's up to you. Up to her. Her own decisions.

Gareth, you know I'm doing kisses for a pound as well, like Dawn?

-Well you're not and I wouldn't pay if you were. -I know. So,

-I'll put your pound in, shall I? -Eh?

I put a pound in so you'll kiss me.

-I wouldn't kiss you if you paid me. -Well I am paying, Gareth.

It's quite simple, so first of all,

just as it's for charity, I just need to get...

Get off of me!

I'm just...

-Get off! I'm not kissing you, I didn't put a pound in. -(INDISTINCT MUMBLING)

-You're such a pervert, dirty little pervert. -I'm not a pervert.

That feels better. This just feels so good.

-Hope you're getting all this. -I hope you're getting all this. Hope your

knows that you're gay, otherwise she's going to get a big surprise.

Hang on, is that your big surprise?

I've found his big surprise. All right, okay... Okay.

Flippin' heck.

Don't take things too far.

All right, just don't...

Why're you so... Don't get so het up about it.

(LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

-Oh! -That was one-way. I didn't kiss him back.

Oh!

GARETH: He's funny! He's a funny guy!

(CHATTERING)

(ALL SPEAK AT ONCE)

Okay, gather round, everybody. We've got a little surprise for you.

If you want to come away from your desks.

Remember where we were in the game.

Sheila? Oh Sheila, nice costume, you look fantastic.

Okay, will you please give a big warm welcome

to the fantastic Neil Godwin and the lovely Rachel.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

It's that time again.

Now I've suffered, we've both suffered for our art here,

would you mind suffering with us?

I'll be collecting at the end, so if you could give generously, thanks very much.

Jennifer, could you do the honours?

( MORE THAN A WOMAN PLAYING)

# Oh, girl, I've known you very well

# I've seen you growing every day

# I never really looked before But now you take my breath away

# Suddenly you're in my life Part of everything I do

# You've got me working day and night

# Just trying to keep a hold on you

# Here in your arms I found my paradise

# My only chance for happiness

# And if I lose you now I think I would die

# Oh, say you'll always be my baby We can make it shine

# We can take forever Just a minute at a time

# More than a woman

# More than a woman to me #

( YOU SHOULD BE DANCING PLAYING)

# My baby moves at midnight

# Goes right on till the dawn

# My woman takes me higher

# My woman keeps me warm

That looks gay.

# What you doin' on your back, aah?

# What you doin' on your back, aah?

# You should be dancing, yeah

# Dancing, yeah #

(COINS CLINKING)

Thank you very much!

There's quite a bit in there. You know, that's yours if you like.

I've already raised more than that anyway. 300 quid we did last time.

And if you wanted dancing, you should have come to me.

-I know you'd rehearsed that, a planned thing... -Oh, do you dance?

Big time.

More modern stuff than that as well. Yeah.

I saw a fused flash dance with MC Hammer shit.

-All right then, mate, show us your moves. -Nah, there's no beat.

Go on then. Oh come on!

There's no music.

Well, it is for charity. Just a little bit.

(ALL HUMMING A TUNE)

(HUMMING FADES)

(DAVID HUMMING ALONE)

So, that's... Great, Dave.

Yeah... Well.

I'll give you a bit of a warning next time.

We don't have to give a donation for that, do we?

Don't say it like that. All the money collected is for both dances.

Both excellent dances. Even though, you know, if there is a difference,

mine was impromptu. But I don't think you should get extra points for that.

Necessarily. Make your own minds up. Leave me out of it. I'm collecting for charity!

All right? So...

(COINS JINGLING)

You've seen me entertain and raise money,

but maybe I'd like to do that in the future for a living, you know?

Use my humour and my profile to both help and amuse people, you know?

If it's ideas for TV shows, game shows, or whatever you want, I'm your man.

I'm already exploring the entertainment avenue with my management training, but

I'd like to do that on a global scale really and that's not going,

"Oh look at me today, I'm entertaining whilst saving lives, aren't I brilliant."

It's going, "If you think I'm brilliant, then give generously and help

"save these guys who are starving but are also brilliant."

Not as entertainers. A lot of them can't even speak English, but you know.

Don't give them their own game show, but save them from dying at least.

And then maybe they can do something in their own country

on television or wherever they have the wireless or I don't know.

Give them a job on the World Service or something.

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING BELL)

We're from the local mental hospital. Is Gareth Keenan here?

Cos... He's escaped!

Cos he is mental.

(LAUGHING) It's my crew.

(BELL RINGS)

Kisses for a quid. Yes, I will!

(COINS CLANKING)

Cool down, mate. That's all we need.

DAWN: Um... -(RASPBERRY BLOWING)

Sorry about this, my mad mates.

Snog him. Well...

-Finally come to take you away? -Yeah!

Dave, are you mad as well?

Guilty.

Oh! He's the boss.

-Oh, give us a job. -I've already got one reprobate, thanks very much.

-Jimmy The Perv and the Oggmonster. -Oh, bloody hell!

-What's the weather like up there? -Oh, I've heard that before.

-Your parents put you to grove avenue, did they? -That's an old one.

-"Let's grow ourselves a big, lanky, goggle-eyed freak."

-Calm down mate there's no need to get offensive. -No, no, I was just...

-Got a little fatter since I last saw you? -No, I was joining in...

Don't have a go at the eyes, that is astigmatism I've had from the age of five,

so that's what makes them a bit bulbous.

-So don't just...

-I can call you the "whaleman" or the "blubberman." -Yeah, but I don't go around

-calling myself the mong-boy. -Well I don't either, I call myself the Oggmonster.

I'm not going to call you the Oggmonster.

-That's my name. -No it's not. What's your real name?

That's a good name. Nathan.

Is it?

Yes! I'll call you Nathan.

I didn't call you fatty!

What is...

DAVID: What is the matter with him?

Yeah. (PHONE RINGING)

I've got a sponsorship form for comic relief.

I wanted to enter into the spirit a bit more.

So, um, gents, sorry to interrupt, I wonder if you'd like to sponsor me.

I have to hide as many of Gareth's possessions as I can from him

for the rest of the day.

You've got to do what?

-I will be hiding Gareth's belongings. -(LAUGHING)

-I'll give you two quid for the lot. -Two quid for the lot?

That's a generous offer.

They're waiting for me.

Oye, break it up. Put her down. (LAUGHING)

No, they wouldn't. She wouldn't. Her husband's loaded.

He does okay.

Oh, dear (EXHALES)

What a day!

Okay, David, do you have that report?

Oh, glad you brought that up.

That's why I'm here.

-Yes, um... Formulating a lot of good ideas. -No, David,

I don't want to talk about the report or the report we're gonna do soon.

I'm talking about the report that we talked about four days ago

that was definitely gonna be done today.

You know how important I consider this report to be.

I come in and I discover that this is the fruit of your labours.

-You don't go through my stuff when I'm not in the room. -Three sentences.

Just please read the first sentence for Jennifer.

"Imagine a cross between Telly Addicts and Noel's House Party.

"You just imagined Upstairs Downstairs,

"a new quiz show devised and hosted by David Brent."

David, I just don't understand this.

-Well, contestants run upstairs and get a clue... -No, not the gameshow!

I don't understand why you haven't done the report you said you'd do.

I don't understand your consistent negligence and failure to do

what is asked of you.

Because you're viewing

my methods like there's something missing,

you're looking at it like the jigsaw that it is, but you're viewing

it through a keyhole, when you should be...

David, some words would be useful here.

-I think actions speak louder than words. -You're on a warning.

That's the action I'm going to take. It's a verbal warning,

obviously three strikes and you're out. Things have got to change.

Fine. Give me all three now then, because I'd love to see you run this place.

You'd have a mutiny on your hands for a start, because they...

But if that's what you want, Come on, let's bring it on.

No, David, that's not what I want. I want to see this place being run

-with you doing your job, okay? -Okay.

Take the verbal warning...

Still take the warning?

Take the verbal warning, learn from it.

And let's move onwards and upwards, okay?

Neil makes me laugh, though, because it's his interfering.

It's his timing. He's going on about him wanting some report doing.

It's Red Nose Day.

Oh, what's more important? You Neil, with your report,

or some starving children? Oh, I dunno!

What would Lenny Henry say?

I think we know. Imagine him going out the door on comic relief day

and Dawn French is going, "Where you going, you haven't done the washing up!

"You haven't put the rubbish out."

"Do it yourself. I've got to save some Africans!"

What are you reading?

A holiday brochure.

Why is that? Going on holiday?

Yes, well... Possibly.

Where to?

Umm... The States.

United States?

Um... Yeah.

I dunno if you've heard the gossip but Tim's going out with Rachel.

Yeah, yeah, I'd heard.

Yeah, cos he used to fancy you, didn't he?

Oh did he?

Yeah, yeah, he did.

Now he's found someone better.

Yep.

(HOPPING)

Seen my phone? Where's my phone?

Have you got it? Where have you put it?

Seriously, where have you put my phone?

Gareth... Don't believe it.

-So many times, I've told you not to touch my stuff... -Gareth, listen to me...

Phone is a different man. Excuse me...

-Gareth it's for charity, okay? -What else have you taken?

-Where's my tiny tanks, how am I supposed to work? -(LAUGHING)

You'll have to hop to it.

A lot of crime in America.

Right, well, I'll be careful.

Word of advice:

keep your traveller's cheques in a bum-bag.

Thanks, I'll buy one.

When you get there?

Yep.

Word of warning, then. Out there, they call them fanny-packs.

Cos fanny means your arse over there.

Not your minge.

(HOPPING)

Where's...? God, you're so immature.

-Where... I demand... -Gareth's stopped hopping, everyone.

-How I'm supposed to do any work? -I told you, it's for charity.

-It's not for charity, is it? It's for you winding me up. -Gareth's stopped hopping.

I don't have... I don't have to hop all day!

It's just when I'm moving, I have to hop.

-Where does it say that in the rule book? -Where is my... See?

GARETH: That's mine, for starts, straight away, Where's the rest of it?

-Hmm? -Gareth! Gareth! Okay Gareth, just...

Calm down, okay? Have a seat. You've been on your foot all day.

GARETH: Oh, God, how do you hide a chair?

(PHONE RINGING)

(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

Dawnie, can you take that?

Yes.

Yeah. You? Are you all right?

Hi. Hello.

-There you go love, prawn and avocado. -Thank you!

-See you later. -Wait, you're not going to eat it here?

-No, I've gotta get back. -Oh, okay. Well, I made £19 today

Any of it going to English kids or is it all going abroad, I suppose?

Well, will you please... Stop moaning and give her a quid for a kiss.

I'm not paying for it, mate.

Them's the rules.

All right.

DAWN: (CLEARS THROAT) Thank you.

There you go... Come here you!

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, good. That's great.

...

See you.

Bye.

(EXHALES)

Right... Oh!

Oh... Thank you. My contribution.

Huh? Where do you want your kiss?

Where do you want your kiss?

It's all right, I'll just...

You've got to have a kiss.

I don't have to have a kiss.

(PHONE RINGING)

What are you doing?

Just working.

I'm very, very...

Very bored.

Excuse me. Desk procedures. There are chairs for sitting on.

I think he's a bit jealous that he's not getting the view you're getting!

Wrong, I got the arse this side so...

I'd only want to be sitting where he's sitting if you was wearing a skirt

then I could look up there. That's it.

(SCOFFING)

-Aren't you going to defend my honour? -No.

-I think you'd better get off the table. -Ooh!

-Getting a bit embarrassed by his new girlfriend, -I'm not! I'm not!

Are you all right? I'm not.

Yeah.

Yeah? Come here.

RACHEL: Are you cool?

Tomorrow?

Yes, around lunch time.

Excuse me, David.

DAVID: Yes.

-Can we have another quick word? -Not now, no,

-I'm literally running downstairs now this minute, -What for?

The Gazette are coming in to take my picture. So I'm going to be in the paper.

Well, Wernham Hogg are going to be in the paper, free advertising.

That's not why I'm doing it.

This shouldn't take long,

-Okay. -Sorry to spring this on you now.

Umm... We have been discussing something you said earlier and

it's certainly something we've been thinking about as well. Um...

We'd like to offer you a very generous redundancy package.

Are you offering me it or are you telling me I've got to take it?

Um...we're telling you you've got to take it.

JENNIFER: We will put in a proper meeting tomorrow.

It's good timing, innit, telling me that today?

The day of laughter? Brilliant.

Well that's that ruined, isn't it?

That's what I was...

That's...

It's got pockets and everything.

So, now I've gotta try and go down there and be funny.

That's gonna be good, innit?

With that going through...

I knew you were up to something, planning something.

Jennifer, do you agree with this? Because we can...

I'll be all right, don't worry about me. I've got other irons in the fire.

So it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, to be honest.

But I'd love to see you turn that lot out there.

You are going to have a mutiny on your hands. They will go berserk.

Definitely.

If that's it, can you leave now, please?

Go on, I've got stuff to do. I've got...

Laughter. I've got money to raise.

It's your time. Mouths to feed.

Yeah.

If you're wondering what that meeting was just about in there?

That's it.

I've been made redundant.

Yeah.

After it was me who saved others from redundancy.

Then it's back...

The good die young.

But, um... Oh, yes,

I said you lot would go mental.

Now I've got to go and give laughter.

But...

See you.

Eh?

See ya...

OK, do you just wanna make it peck?

Yeah. (CAMERA CLICKING)

Just run around a bit?

Yeah.

Good.

Yeah.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Good.

Great.

And smile, it's for comic relief.

-Can I just do it standing there? -Yeah, just...

Can you make it peck at your mates like Roy Hudd?

Just do that. Rod Hull.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Good...

Yeah.

Okay good, that's fine. Yeah!

-All right? -It's a bit dark, actually. I didn't bring a flash.

Probably won't be able to use these, actually.

-Okay, don't be disappointed if they're not in. -No.

Thank you! Okay.

Bye. Cheers.

Well done, David.

Yes.

(HOPPING) No worries.

Yeah. (PANTING) Did I miss it?

# So what becomes of you, my love

# When they have finally stripped you of

# The handbags and the glad rags

# That your granddad had to sweat so you could buy #

(PHONE RINGS)

Booyakasha.